I used to love writing about poopage. Unfortunately after my colonoscopy in '07 there's way less entertaining shiterial to share.
Interestingly enough, I was just telling Rolo and some friends this a couple of hours ago. Apparently my subconscious decided this was unacceptable and granted me with a somewhat blog-worthy poop experience.
We were at the new outdoor drinking bar in Astoria (I refuse to say "new beer garden" because it will never replace the old one). After a sangria and 4 or 5 Magic Hats I was feeling good, then all of a sudden a poop baby starting kicking the literal shit out of my intestines.
It's been quite a while since my IBS/common ass cold has deterred me from my nights out on the town, but this episode got me good.
I quietly sat there for a good twenty minutes, politely waiting for an opening in the conversation to say my good-byes. It finally came and holy fuck was the fifteen minute walk home freakin' brutal. I don't know what triggered the pains, but I'm guessing it was a combination of the hot mustard on my pretzel and irony. I seriously thought I was going to shit my pants a half a block away from my apartment and to be honest, I seriously didn't care.
Fortunately I made it home without any messes. I didn't know what was going to happen once I got my pants down so i just took them off to be safe.
All I can say is WOW. It was like giving bum birth to septuplets.
Afterwards I giggled and laid on the couch with a smile. And then I wrote this.
Thank God For Pooping!
Friday, April 30
I used to love writing about poopage. Unfortunately after my colonoscopy in '07 there's way less entertaining shiterial to share.
Thursday, April 29
As much as I'm ready to call it quits at Minnow I am proud to say that I got a glowing review from my bosses. Hurrah! The one area that needs improvement is the same as always: communication and interpersonal skills.
The joke is this time around they said I have...
wait for it...
too much of a...
POKER FACE!! I need to be more aggressive, show more passion, and ROCK THE BOAT from time to time!! HAHAHAHAHA!
This is hysterical considering those were the things I had to tone down at Company. Talk about a 180...
In other news, I need to get laid. Like right now. I think it's time to come out of Jedi-Slut retirement. Heh. Come.
Written by THIGHS around 7:36 PM
Sunday, April 25
I haven't taken a week off of work since the last time I went to California three years ago. It's amazing what ten consecutive days out of the office can do for the soul.
I, like many other people, usually come back from vacation with a new outlook on life. This time around my thought is this: I take myself waaaay to seriously.
This might seem odd coming from someone who loves poop jokes and reading comics (better yet, reading comics while pooping), but it's true. I need to lighten up. At the end of most days I am over-stressed, over-anxious, and scared. Scared of my own potential. Scared of success. Maybe even scared of living in general. Ooo, that last one just caused a pain in my heart and some tears so it must be true...
Take my job for example. I never wanted to like it at Minnow. I really didn't. My department blows, my boss is a moron, and there's no one to really learn from. After everything that happened last year, I wanted to wait to see what my raise would be and then decide whether to stay or go. Well, I got the standard increase and the worst part about it is my boss didn't tell me what it was before I got my paycheck. While I was in California I had to look at my paystub and figure it out. I was so disappointed and pissed that I almost broke my brother's laptop. Call me an ingrate, but fuck you. I know what I'm worth and I also know if a company truly values an employee they won't use the bad economy as an excuse to not compensate them.
I had insomnia the night before my first day back. I did some day drinking on Sunday, passed out around 8:30pm, woke up at 12:30am, and never went back to sleep. I tossed and turned all night dreading going back to the office. Ironically, being cracked out and exhausted all day Monday ended up being ideal. I was too tired to tell everyone to fuck off, too tired to care about anything. It was then that I realized I needed to stop taking everything so seriously.
I know who I am, what I am capable of, what I value in an employer, and what I expect of myself as an employee. Why stress myself out over any of it? I'll just keep moving jobs until I find the right fit.
After making this decision on Monday, I fought the urge to go my usual 100 mph and just coasted the rest of the week. I completed the few things I was told to do and that was it. It was uncomfortable, but fuck it. Wednesday and Thursday I took nice long lunches. Friday no one bothered with me until the end of the day when Nun hooked me up with some free Mets tickets for tonight's game. It was probably the best week I've ever had there.
This is how I plan on spending the rest of my time at Minnow. I'm going to relax while I can and not take the bullshit so seriously.
I've also decided to take my creative self less seriously. I haven't been writing, drawing, or coloring because it's not fun. I'm scared to be judged, scared of letting go, and above all else, scared to suck. This all changed when I went to the Tim Burton exhibit at MOMA on one of my long lunches. It was so inspiring. I appreciate his artistic vision and self-awareness. The FUN he seems to be having. In reality he might be incredibly hard on himself and completely anal, but at least he is free. He allows himself to DO something. A lot of somethings actually. The exhibit made me realize that I can be creatively free as long as I always remember it's supposed to be fun, so I've already started outlining some of the short stories I had brewing in my head for a while now.
So there ya have it. My first week back I started taking myself less seriously and I already find life more enjoyable.
Written by THIGHS around 4:59 PM
Monday, April 19
Friday, April 16
California was soooo much fun!! The rundown...
I've never left NYC right after work. The E train to the Air Train to JFK only took about 50 minutes from Rock Center. Not so bad! The flight itself was less enjoyable. I couldn't sleep and my tailbone was killing me. Stupid boys and their big peni...
I got to LA 3:30am EST. I was a bit cracked out, but it was worth having a full day of fun on Friday with Rip who was nice enough to take off.
1. The Griddle for breakfast. I highly recommend the Cobb Omelet. The Peanut Bubba, french toast with peanut butter, is delicious as well, but it was a bit too sugary for me.
2. Rode bikes along Santa Monica beach.
3. Browsed at Meltdown, one of the nicest comic shops I've ever been in.
4. Tacos Por Favor for dinner. The chorizo with cheese is the best.
5. Drank at The Dark Room and Snake Pit with Rip's awesome friends.
6. Climbed this tree drunk because I really wanted to sit in it...
resulting in this bruise on my arm (already a week healed, so it was pretty bad looking when it happened)...
due to me jumping off of said tree, landing weird, and hitting the door of the parked car next to me. Alarm went off, we ran, hilarity ensued.
1. Nursed arm and massive hangover by having brunch at Blu Jam (not as good as The Griddle), reading Walking Dead, alphabetizing Rip's comics (a favorite pasttime of mine), and playing Marvel Scene It.
2. Headed over to Hollywood to see the Walk of Fame, Grauman's Chinese Theater, and the concrete autographs and prints. Shirley Temple's was my favorite because it's in little kid capital letters. (I didn't take this picture. I barely took any all week!)
3. My first In and Out burger. Animal style. Yum!
4. A viewing of the original Clash of the Titans. I'll rent the new one.
Six Flags Magic Mountain. Oy vey. I went on three roller coasters in a row and then got really woozy. It's possible my jet lag kicked in, so I sat out The Riddler's Revenge. I needed to get my bearings and not flip for a little while. Two roller coasters later we were waiting on line for Tatsu, an amazing flying coaster where the track is above you and your body is parallel to the ground. Perfect for super-hero training.
For some crazy reason (probably because I'm crazy) I freaked out. I did not want to go on this ride. I was so panicky that I wanted to cry. Rip and Devo talked me down a bit and said don't worry, it's a lot of fun, you'll be fine, so I went against my gut and hopped on.
Uh oh! Right before the first drop we got stuck. We were dangling 175 feet in the air FACING THE GROUND. I snagged this shot from a video on YouTube...
The only things holding us in were the shoulder harness and ankle cuffs. I wanted to die. No wait, I wanted to live but I wanted to kill myself for going on. There was this poor little boy in the back of us screaming at the top of his lungs for his mom. I felt so bad for him, but he sort of made it worse. I kept my eyes closed tight to stop me from looking down, which was a shame because the view in front of us was amazing. Mountains seem fake to me. Like foxes.
I don't know how long we were up there for. Five, maybe ten minutes? Finally an airhorn went off and the ride started up again. Turns out we all thought when the horn sounded that's when the harnesses would unlock and we'd fall to our deaths, but luckily that wasn't the case. I'm never tempting fate again. Screw super-hero flyer training. I choose telekinesis.
Monday to Wednesday morning:
San Diego!! I FINALLY got a chance to visit The Faces and the Mighty Cale in their new home. I wanted to hug and squeeze MC the whole time, but I didn't think he'd like that considering he's a big boy now. I actually showed some restraint!
Monday night we wet to Stone Brewing World Bistro and Gardens. It is AWESOME! We weren't able to take the brewery tour, so we had a delicious dinner at the adjacent restaurant instead. I drank an Oaked Arrogant Bastard Ale and ate two dishes with beer in them: Garlic Cheddar & Stone Ruination IPA Soup and the Mac 'n Beer Cheese with Stone Smoked Porter sausage. DOUBLE YUM! The outdoor garden is amazing...I'm seriously considering having my wedding there. You know, whenever I get engaged...
Tuesday and Wednesday we walked along the beach, relaxed, and caught up. I love getting together with friends I haven't seen in a while and feeling like no time has passed. Such a nice visit.
I got back to my brother's in the late afternoon. We headed out to dinner and randomly ran into two of my favorite Company friends that I don't get to see very often (buy Power Girl now!). How cool is that?? They joined us at our table and we spent the next few hours laughing, eating, and laughing some more. It was the perfect way to end my trip.
Phew!! Man, did I need a vacation! A big thanks to my brother, Devo, and The Faces for letting me stay with you. I had a fantastic time! I love yas and am so happy you are happy in California. I just wish it was closer to NYC.
Written by THIGHS around 7:17 PM
Wednesday, April 7
I'm heading out to Cali tomorrow night. Can't wait!! Don't have much more to say than that, so here's a fitting song...well, song title anyways.
Apparently the woman in the song is Joni Mitchell. I did not know this. Thanks Wikipedia!
Spent my days with a woman unkind,
smoked my stuff and drank all my wine.
Made up my mind to make a new start,
Going To California with an aching in my heart.
Someone told me there's a girl out there with love in her eyes and flowers in her hair.
Took my chances on a big jet plane,
never let them tell you that they'all are the same.
The sea was red and the sky was grey,
I wondered how tomorrow could ever follow today.
The mountains and the canyons started to tremble and shake as the children of the sun began to awake.
Seems that the wrath of the Gods
Got a punch on the nose and it started to flow
I think I might be sinking.
Throw me a line if I reach it in time
I'll see you up there where the path
Runs straight and high.
To find a queen without a king,
They say she plays guitar and cries and sings... la la la la
Ride a white mare in the footsteps of dawn
Tryin' to find a woman who's never, never, never been born.
Standing on a hill in my mountain of dreams,
Telling myself it's not as hard, hard, hard as it seems.
Written by THIGHS around 6:30 PM
Monday, April 5
Friday, April 2
Thursday, April 1
Well, I finally did one of the things I've always said I would. I cancelled my cable.
I'm so fucking sick of sitting on my ass and watching brainless television all day long. I have things I want to do with my life that I'm not doing. Will living TV-less inspire me to write a novel or color a comic? I don't know, but it's worth a shot.
Obviously I can still watch some shows on Hulu or Netflix, so I'm not cutting out ALL television. It's the mindless channel surfing that is killing my soul. The last few weekends I watched an America's Next Top Model marathon for about 7 hours (a season I already saw four times!) and flipped to either ESPN, Wedding Crashers/Singer (both have been on a lot lately), Say Yes to the Dress/What Not to Wear between commercial breaks. God forbid my attention span was long enough to enjoy the classic rock tune playing in a car and/or soda ad, but nooo. I need tears, cheers, or jeers on the screen at all times.
SO. My deal to myself is this: I will renew my cable subscription in September for football season. If I have not made any attempts to better my current situation, broaden my horizons, or knock something off my to-do list I am going back to therapy and Auntie D.
If I really push and still don't move, then I'm okay with asking for help again. Until then it's just Me, Myself, and I. We've kicked the shit out of each other for years, now it's time to listen to ourselves and work together. I think it will be much easier without hearing Tyra screaming in the background...
Written by THIGHS around 9:53 PM