I should because I'm starting to get tired, but since I'm sitting at my desk farting around (literally and figuratively) I might as well write something.
My weekend was pretty great. Thanksgiving was nice and chill. Friday was Pokher night and I totally won, thanks to a straight on a huge hand. Huge being $4 of Rockstar's change, which she got back when we were done playing. We haven't played with real money yet, so the winner gets to rock this bad boy for the month between games (apparently I'm in a picture mood tonight):
I never make my bed.
Saturday was a sushi dinner with Bakes and Stevie. Peanut butter hot chocolate for dessert. YUM! Sunday was an early brunch with Megkefel, her mom, and adorable son. If I was ever in a group hug with Cale, Evan, and Henry my head would friggin explode from cuteness overload. My boys!
After my Wednesday night shenanigans I thought it best not to get drunk the rest of the weekend. It was a wise decision as I was able to enjoy the time off sans a hangover. My stress did catch up with me a bit yesterday, though. Panic attack again. It sucks and I'm so over it. I just wish they'd go away already.
As relaxing as my weekend was, I did have MD and Minnow on my mind the whole time. I think my body freaked out just so I would stop obsessing. It worked. I felt okay today for the most part. Meditating helps. I plan on doing it every day.
The good news is things are looking up already. It appears Nun and Tennis are going to help me transfer to the new position. I'd be Manager of Digital Operations. Details to come, but the description sounds much more interesting and challenging than my current gig. Even if I don't end up staying at Minnow much longer, at least I'll learn something new for the time being.
No word for MD yet. I'm not nervous as I didn't plan to hear from him until Thursday the earliest. I know something will happen. Either we talk and it works out, we talk and it doesn't, or we don't talk and I move on. Something's gotta give.
Monday, November 29
I should because I'm starting to get tired, but since I'm sitting at my desk farting around (literally and figuratively) I might as well write something.
Thursday, November 25
A couple of days ago I wrote MD doesn't know I'm a nutbag yet, yet being the operative word.
He knows now.
I had a complete fucking meltdown at the bar last night. I don't really know what happened. It's been an emotional week. (What week isn't?)
On Tuesday I was talking to my coworker Hands about a position that opened in our division. The problem is I'd still have to report to Nun, my sleazy boss above Tennis. I'm not sure exactly when my opinion of him changed, but in the year since Nun's become my boss it's gone from inspired, hopeful, and excited to disappointed, unimpressed, and nauseated. It turns out he's a political salesman without much cred.
Apparently he has opinions about me, too. Hands told me Nun said that I'm extremely smart and could run the company one day if it wasn't for my bad attitude. I was stunned. I asked Hands to elaborate. Nun said I don't have the drive or interest to put me ahead.
There are three things that really bother me about this. One, GO FUCK YOURSELF. It is completely unprofessional to talk about your employees in a negative light. Two, he has never once mentioned this to me nor has Tennis. I already knew they were horrible managers, but really? What were they going to do, wait for my review to tell me this? Assholes. Three, he's right.
I don't care about Minnow. The first year and a half I was happy taking classes at SVA. The next year I was happy working on Oracle and a warehouse project, despite the drama with Tennis. The past six months I've been unhappy. I am not inspired to do anything, except keep my head down until 5pm. This is completely out of character for me. I love to learn and be involved, so I know there's definitely something wrong.
I guess that something is me. I could change my attitude. I could probably advance if I shoved my nose up Nun's ass like his managers do. That's not me, though. I don't do shit for appearances or fake the funk. He's got that covered. Once again I find myself in the same position I'm always in, paying for not playing the game.
I'm pretty upset about this. On the one hand I'm upset that I haven't made Minnow work out. I'm standing in my own way again. I could succeed there if I just sucked it up and pretended I wanted to be part of Nun's little clique. The problem is I'm not a good actress. Oh and I'm stubborn as fuck. I believe your work and ideas should matter more than who you have lunch with, end of story.
On the other hand I'm upset because I haven't left yet. If I don't care to succeed at Minnow, why am I still there? I want to feel good about where I work and what I do. I just haven't figured out what do next yet.
So Tuesday kind of sucked. I have my pdiddy this week, so it made everything feel worse. I feel so lost. I don't know what I'm doing, where I'm going, nada. I'm on this loop of work, home, bar, work, home, bar and I don't even like the work part.
Home is weird lately, too. I'm having the stove fears again and that on top of bedbug paranoia makes me not even want to come home some nights. I realized tonight these are symptoms of a bigger problem: I don't feel safe or secure. Why? Because I don't know where I am. I don't feel in control either. Why? Because I don't know where I'm headed...
which leads into last night. I left work at 2pm for the holiday (okay, I guess Minnow isn't THAT bad), ran some errands, and got to Crazy Ass at 5:30pm. I only had maybe four beers, but the owner kept giving me shots. I was TANKED. At one point I texted MD to come to the bar because I missed him. Cute, right? Well for some reason I decided he should have responded right away. I totally beer teared out when I didn't hear from him for two hours. Two whole hours! I'm so fucking stupid. I was so upset that I decided to leave, but then he walked in while I was walking out. I took one look at him and started bawling. I completely lost my shit. The poor guy had no clue there was a disaster waiting for him. Unfortunately I don't remember much of what I said. All I know is I told him I liked him so much that I didn't know what to do with myself. It's the same theme as I wrote above: without a label defining our relationship I feel lost, insecure, and out of control.
Or maybe I don't even need a label. I just need him to talk. He's stepped it up so much lately that I felt like we were on the path to commitment, but the mo still hasn't verbalized any of his feelings about me or us so there was no reassurance or guarantee. Last night I lost my patience. I knew it would happen, but I had no idea I was going to explode. It was all my fault.
This afternoon I left him a message apologizing for my antics. He returned my call, so I guess that's a good sign. Luckily he's going out of town for a few days. The break is probably for the best.
I'm so disappointed in myself for freaking out, but I just want answers to something right now. Our relationship is in his hands, so it would be nice to know where he wants to take it. The stress of uncertainty in all areas of my life is clearly getting to me. It would be nice to have something sorted out.
Crap. He knows I'm a nutbag now.
Written by THIGHS around 11:10 PM
Tuesday, November 23
"...or at least turn the volume down until he's ready for full blast me." RE: How I'm holding back with MD a bit.
"I'm going to microwave a bag of lettuce." RE: My plans for making a veggie dish for Thanksgiving without using my stove.
"He's the Punktuation." RE: How my ex-boyfriend Tat looked exactly like the punk version of The Jersey Shore's Situation.
Written by THIGHS around 10:50 PM
I also save IMs and other thoughts in my Gmail drafts. It just occurred to me that I can easily post them here.
An IM to Tron around May 25, 2010:
(9:44:08 AM) Thighs: I'm really disillusioned today. I don't HAVE to feel that way, and I know this. I just don't know if I ever want to work in an office/corporation again, but in order to get rid of my debt I"m going to have to for a few more years. I know there are plenty of people out there that hate their jobs and want to do something else too. The thing is, those are the people I want to inspire. My biggest complaint in working for "the man" (whoever he is) is that there's no empowerment, no nurturing, no growth. Then again, all I know is Publishing so it could just be the industry...
(9:44:31 AM) Thighs: I'm babbling. Sorry. I like to write with a stream of conscious when I'm not sure what I want to say.
(9:45:54 AM) Thighs: My point is, at least I think it is, that I'm scared to change but I just don't see how I can stay the same way much longer. I'm at a fork in the road and as exciting as it is I'm a bit nervous.
(9:46:55 AM) Thighs: I want to wake up and love what I do, where I'm going, everything. If I don't love my life, what else is there?
Written by THIGHS around 10:45 PM
From Rockstar's iPhone:
35 trip around the world (6 months)
Not work 4 other people
Write & get paid
Color & get paid
Get rid of debt
Inc. Or llc
I believe Rocks transcribed this a couple of months after I turned 30. I forgot about it until she sent it to me last September, when I was 31 and a half. I've kept it in my inbox ever since as a reminder.
Now I'm coming up on 33 and have not accomplished any of these things yet. YET. Well, I would still like to go on a world tour for my 35th birthday if anyone's interested although that would probably put off the getting rid of debt goal. And it doesn't necessarily have to be a six month sabbatical. I haven't decided. YET.
Written by THIGHS around 10:20 PM
Monday, November 22
I need sleep. This post will not make any sense.
On Friday I woke up at 5am to head down to Minnow's South Jersey office for a meeting with Tron. Waking up early isn't really a problem for me, except that I didn't sleep too well to begin with. I have a new neurotic obsession keeping me up at night...bedbugs.
No, I don't have them. At least it doesn't appear so. The other night I was laying in bed and I swear to Shiz I felt like I was getting bit up, though. SO GROSS!
The trip to the office was exhausting. I left Astoria at 6am, planning to get down there by 10am. No such luck as a NJ Transit train got caught in a down wire and everyone was electrocuted. Okay, no one was electrocuted, but I was stuck on the Rahway platform for two hours. I finally got to the office at noon. I was pretty braindead for our meeting, but I'm happy with what we accomplished.
I don't know how I rallied to meet MD later that night. I stayed out until about 12:30am, came home, thought about bedbugs, and fake slept.
The next day I headed to North Jersey to visit the Bear Family (I think you guys get a new nickname every time I write about you). I had a great time catching up with M & J and hanging with my coolest nephew Evan! Yes, he's my only nephew and no, he's not actually my nephew, but HE RULES.
I came back to Queens around 10pm and texted with MD for a couple of hours before I passed out. I woke up during the night a little itchy again, then I started to stress out. It would suck to have bedbugs right when MD and I are hitting our stride! How do you tell someone you're dating you have bedbugs!?!? That would suck! Or how do you tell them you pretend you have bedbugs to drive yourself crazy?? That would really suck!
Luckily he doesn't know I'm a nutbag yet. We spent all day yesterday together watching football at the bar, then TV at his place. We fell asleep on the couch for a bit (super comfy), but couldn't fall back to sleep once we went to the bedroom. We both tossed and turned all night, so I really haven't had a proper night's sleep since Wednesday.
I wanted to come home tonight and go right to sleep, but I had to conquer this bedbug thing. I scoured my mattress, cleaned out everything from under my bed, and washed all of my sheets and blankets. I found a couple of weird little seed-like things and one small dead bug, but that was it. Apparently if I had bedbugs I'd see them in packs, so I'm good. Just insane. And insanely tired.
Written by THIGHS around 8:56 PM
Wednesday, November 17
Okay, now that I got some negative junk off my chest (heh) I'd like to end the night with a happy update.
I went to the gym a few times! I'm not on a regular schedule yet, but I'm excited to be back and ready to get in shape. I don't care how much weight I lose. I just don't want an old man ass anymore.
I feel better! Blood test results came back fine, except that my thyroid meds need to be upped. No biggie. I have a sneaky suspicion the lightheadedness was caused by incorrectly using the Neti Pot. It kept coming out of mouth (heh), so it's quite possible I accidentally drowned my brain. Five times.
The girls are still even! There is an unfortunate drama with my doctor, insurance, and mother, but they can all go fuck themselves. I'm natural.
Remember Mick? It feels weird to even write about this because a) I don't think about him anymore, b) that whole ordeal feels like years ago, and c) I can't believe I even liked the guy, but I will because I'm five...
I won the "break-up"!! Yes, he has a girlfriend and I'm still single BUT I consider the winner the one who has moved on emotionally as well as relationship statusly (manujaggered). I saw him Friday night and could tell he missed me. Then this morning I got an email from him reading something like "yada yada, It was great seeing you the other night. I hope we're cool because I really enjoy hanging out with you." Ha! SUCKER. I rule and you drool.
Things with MD are progressing. Sort of. I have a habit of thinking I'm putting SO MUCH into a relationship when really, it's all in my fucking mind. MD doesn't know that I think about him all of the time. He doesn't know I'm analyzing everything he said and did. Thank Shizza he doesn't know these things!!
Take the week he didn't call. I beat the shit out of myself. He was an ass for not contacting me, but is it his fault I ripped myself a new one? Not at all. This is why I feel things are sort of progressing. I am "using" MD to learn how to go with the flow, be more patient, and less hard on myself. And it's working!
I feel much better about him. I have no idea how he feels, where he thinks this is going, or if he's seeing anyone else. For now I'm okay with this partly because I'm learning, but also because I know that when I'm NOT okay with it I'll take action. I trust myself to know when I'm done.
Another reason? I have a really nice time with him. We hung out Sunday night, took off Monday, and spent the day together in bed watching TV. It was pretty awesome. He's opening up a bit more and I'm learning to shut up a bit more. We shall see!
Besides boys, I got to see Juniper and Socks and Stevie and Bakes and Janeypants this weekend too! SO FUN! This coming weekend I'll get to see Melis, Jim, and Evan, too!!
I have finally decided to stop spending every last cent each paycheck.
I love football!
It's time for bed!
Written by THIGHS around 10:14 PM
I haven't been in a Thighs mood lately. I'm really not in one right now, but I'm forcing myself to write. I find it helps.
SO. There were layoffs this week at Minnow. I'm not sure if I ever gave the head of my division a nickname on here. Huh, actually it might have been Head. Regardless, he and a few other execs were fired yesterday due to a massive reorganization. Basically there isn't a Supply Chain division anymore.
I know this is going to sound shitty, but fuck it. It's my blog and you already know I'm self-absorbed. In fact I think that's one of the requirements to becoming a blogger...
I didn't feel affected by the news until this afternoon. Head was a tyrant fuckwad who thrived on bullying his weaker reports, especially my boss Tennis. He tried it with me a couple of times and I told him to fuck off without actually saying it. That style of management is for rich pussy white guys that would shit their pants had they ever experienced an actual life-threatening emergency instead of their made up "red alert fire drills" that need "all hands on deck" and "answers yesterday." You're in publishing, asshole. Congrats for being such a hard-ass in an industry 85% women and gay men.
Obviously, I could give a fuck he's not working there anymore.
The self-absorbed part comes with this question, what happens to me? Guess what? Nothing. This afternoon Nun told us mine and Breen's jobs aren't changing. FUCK.
Yes, I should be happy to even have a job, but now I'm screwed. If they don't change my job, who will?
And that my friends is why I love to write. I had no idea that last sentence was the real reason I'm upset.
I am pissed off that I wasn't fired or transferred because now it's still up to me to get off my ass and look for a new job. I'm ridiculous.
On a positive note, I am pretty excited (nerd-excited) that a system I conceptualized and scoped out two years ago is finally being made. It's cool to see something I created come to fruition and even cooler when a good friend is the IT developer. So I guess it's not totally horrible there...
LOOK FOR A NEW JOB FUCKER!
Written by THIGHS around 9:00 PM
Monday, November 8
Oh and I'm down to my last $50 until Monday, so I guess I'm staying in all week again. If 2010 was about learning to live within my means sans credit card, then 2011 will be about learning how to not blow all of my means every paycheck.
Yes, I am 32 and horrible with money. At least I'm on my way to being 35 and awesome with money. Better late than never.
Written by THIGHS around 11:17 PM
Eight days since my last post? Huh. What the hell have I been doing?
I stayed in most of last week because I still wasn't feeling well. As Agent Sick Stickles, the hypochondriac detective, brother to Agent Dick Stickles the porn detective (Do you have a permit for that penis?), I went down the list of possible ailments. It occurred to me that my right eye had been bothering me for a while, so I went to the eye doctor. He said I had a slight irritation, but it wouldn't have made me lightheaded this whole time. He gave me some drops and suggested I ditch the contacts for a few days. Easy peasy except that the lens of my rimless (heh) glasses popped out, so I've been wearing my old glasses from college. BOOTY. Guess what? It took him literally five seconds to fix the broken pair. D'oh!
By Friday I was feeling MUCH better, so to celebrate I stayed out drinking until 3:30am with MD. Epitome of health, I am.
On Saturday I went to my friend JP's house for the second beer and food pairing this year. Bakes and I brought a growler of 21st Amendment Fireside Chat, a deep ruby brown ale with a subtle blend of spices. We paired it with mac and cheese made with gruyere, cheddar, and I think nutmeg. Both were delicious! In researching the beer I learned that FDR's Fireside Chats were radio speeches he gave to communicate to the public how the country would recover from the depression. After the first chat he said to his top aides "I think it's time for beer." and they began working on the bill to end Prohibition that night. The 21st Amendment was passed nine months later in December of 1933.
Beer homework rules. Check out the label, artwork named "FDR beer geeking with an elf.":
Something else I learned this weekend, a growler doesn't only refer to a refillable jug. It is slang for what Urban Dictionary describes as "a mean, butch looking pussy." so when I said I was going "to get my growler filled at Ginger Man" I was being twice awesome.
Saturday night I saw THE PEE-WEE HERMAN SHOW ON BROADWAY! Holy moses, it was AMAZING! Rolo, thanks again for getting the tickets!
I flipped out when PW came out on stage. I flipped out the minute the curtain went up and revealed the Playhouse exactly as it was on the show. I flipped out when Conky gave the secret word. I flipped out the whole time!! **SPOILER ALERT** My favorite parts:
1. Random quotes: "I hate mute characters." and "How queeer..."
2. I love this scene in Big Adventure when Francis and PW are talking outside. Pee-Wee totally said "I love that story." in the show!!
3. Another scene I love in Big Adventure is the one where it's dark out and there are only cartoon eyes on screen. THEY DID THIS ON STAGE! IT WAS AMAZEBALLS! I ACTUALLY SCREAMED OUT "YES!" AND PUMPED AIR.
I am not one to get star-struck, mainly because I don't care, but fuck yeah did I wait outside after the show to hopefully meet him. Unfortunately he wasn't doing autographs, BUT he was hysterical and gracious and awesome. And quickly pacing back and forth, so this is the only good picture I got of him. (The two people in front were no joke, like 6'4" and didn't seem to give a shit that average-sized people were behind them.)
Sunday afternoon was me, my couch, and football. Yay Giant and Jet wins!! Sunday night was me, MD, my couch, and FOX Animation Domination.
What gives? I will tell you. I reneged on the "break up." Why? I will tell you. I like him. I jumped to too many conclusions about what he wants, where he's at, and what he's willing to give me. I want him to tell me these things instead of assuming I know it all, because frankly I don't know shit.
It's hard being single. I'm still trying to find the line between naive doormat and patient compromise. Is MD the guy I'm going to marry? I doubt it, only because he's a mute character (thank you PW) and I have no idea what's going on in his head. I want to be with someone who openly communicates and shows a little more enthusiasm and passion toward me. The thing is, just because he hasn't shown it so far doesn't mean he never will.
Or it does mean he never will. I'm giving him another shot to see what he brings this time around. I know what his patterns are now, so I won't be disappointed or upset. It's up to him if he wants to surprise me by changing them and making a concerted effort. It's up to me to keep looking for someone who will.
In the meantime I enjoy his company, I enjoy getting my growler filled*, and I still can't get over the kissing. I'll give him a couple more weeks and see what happens.
*Yes I'm using protection, but that's my new favorite phrase. Thank you Rob!
Written by THIGHS around 9:39 PM