Apparently I'm not done writing yet. It feels good to write.
Here are a few positive things:
1. I'm down to 168 pounds. I haven't weighed this little (why does that sound weird?) since 2005. I'm flabby as fuck, but that's because I haven't worked out in almost a year. Damn chubby appendages.
2. Thankfully I have a job where I can work from home. I asked for a laptop at Minnow once, you know, to actually OFFER to work nights and weekends when I was on the Oracle project and they said no. I DON'T WORK THERE ANYMORE! YIPPEE!
3. I can watch movies and read.
4. The bucket list I mentioned in my earlier post doesn't exist, but when I was at my lowest this week, these are the thoughts that popped into my head:
I never went to art school.
I never went around the world.
I never fell in love and got married.
I never published my own comic.
I never gave myself the satisfaction of being proud of my body by wearing a bathing suit without shorts. (I almost wrote bikini, but I don't think that will ever happen.)
I never let go and allowed myself to love me and my life to the fullest.
There's my bucket list. This is positive because now I know where to focus my energy once I have it back.
5. I am grateful for my parents. They have and would drop anything to help me. After all we've been through, I realize now I am very lucky to have them.
Friday, April 22
Apparently I'm not done writing yet. It feels good to write.
I haven't seen Cee since September. I am long overdue for a session so she and I have been playing phonetag to set up an appointment. I emailed her yesterday to tell her what was going on and that I'd call her back as soon as I can. She responded with this just now:
It sounds that you have been having a very challenging year! Keep your good spirit up and let this dis-ease pass you.
Try not to hate it. Hate is a force and when we try to force something we get resistance. See if you can approach it "with ease".
I am sending good energy and thoughts your way. Call me when you are ready.
I feel better.
Written by THIGHS around 6:32 PM
As crazy as it sounds, I was thrilled to find out I have mono. I am no longer thrilled.
I've written about my frustrations with being sick and not knowing what was wrong, but truthfully I haven't written as much as I wanted to the last couple of months fearing I'd sound like a whiny, ungrateful, depressed hypochondriac.
Well, fuck it.
I HATE THIS. I HATE THIS FUCKING YEAR. I HATE FEELING LIKE SHIT. I HATE THAT I CAN'T DO WHAT I FUCKING WANT TO DO.
Friday I felt better than I have in months. Just knowing what was wrong helped lift my spirits. I was Happy with a capital H.
Saturday I started my medication. My hysterical and embarrassing medication. The neurologist prescribed me Valtrex. HA! Apparently it helps ease the symptoms of Epstein-Barr, chronic fatigue, and mono. I was on herpes meds for the kissing disease. Oh you!
Notice I wrote "was on." Sunday MDLL and I went out for an early dinner. I felt really good until about halfway through my meal when I got queasy. I thought maybe it was the sliver of pumpernickel bread and third of a margarita combined with the meds, so I stopped eating. A few hours later I was in the same anxious, woozy, and lightheaded state I frequently was earlier this year. It sucked. Unfortunately I couldn't relax because I needed to pack for my four day business trip to Philly. Timing is an amazing concept.
Monday I felt okay. I was able to make it to Philly and focus at work for the most part. By the evening I was a mess again. As soon as I ate dinner I passed out. It was scary how sudden it happened.
Tuesday was a little better. I decided to decrease my dosage from four pills a day down to two. I'm glad I did because Wednesday was a shit show.
I ate breakfast (muesli with currants, apple slices, cranberries). The neurologist also said to take B12 everyday so at around 10:30am I took it with a banana and a little coffee. About an hour later I got sick. I couldn't get out of my chair. I was so woozy I was afraid to stand up. At noon everyone left to go to lunch and I just sat there wondering if I should go to the hospital. My throat closed up, I couldn't focus, my heart was pounding because I was in a full blown panic. I finally managed to get up and walk to where everyone was eating lunch by doing some lamaze breathing along the way. I thought maybe I just needed to eat something, but once I got into the conference room and looked at the food I knew I had to leave. I turned to this one really nice woman who knew I had mono and said I need to lay down. She took one look at me and said go to the hotel and call us if you need anything.
I got to the hotel and started hysterically crying. I'm not quite sure how to describe how I felt. There's no pain, just this horrible wave of exhaustion, nausea, and anxiety. I didn't know if I should call an ambulance or what, so I did what most helpless 33 year old single women do. I called my mom. After much debate we decided since I didn't have the energy to leave on my own my dad would come get me. That's twice this year he came to my rescue.
Around 2:30pm I had just enough energy to pack, check out, and call Iron (my boss in case you forgot) to tell her what happened. I was so embarrassed, but there wasn't any choice. She was really nice about it, even offered to come get me herself. Thank Shizza.
At 3pm I decided I needed to eat something again. I'm still off the bread, so whenever I order a sandwich I just eat the insides. I had some turkey, cheese, lettuce, and tomato. Why am I telling you everything I ate that day? Because BOOM, I was sick immediately after I ate again.
I got to Jackson around 7pm. The rest of the night I just laid there and cried. All of my symptoms from this year came back. I couldn't sleep so since the Valtrex knocks me out I decided to take one pill at 1am. It worked.
The next morning I felt like shit again, so my mom said enough is enough and took me to the ER. She was worried that my spleen was enlarged because apparently that happens with mono. The doctor said my organs are fine, stop taking the Valtrex and get plenty of rest and fluids. I told her how it only seems to happen when I eat and that I thought I had candida and/or celiac earlier this year. She said it's a possibility since both are common in people with autoimmune diseases. If I did have candida, it could lower my immunity. It's also possible the medication is contributing to a yeast overgrowth. I can't fucking win.
My mom brought me back to Queens yesterday afternoon. My insides and mind are a fucking wreck. I feel as bad as I did in January when I first thought I had a food intolerance. I still have no idea if it was actually the Valtrex that did this or what, so only time will tell once it leaves my system. I've called my neurologist four times since Wednesday and I still haven't heard back from her. I didn't think she was an asshole.
There's nothing I can do now except watch what I eat, drink lots of water, and rest. I'm trying my best to be positive about all of this. Well, trying NOT to be negative. It's not working.
I fucking hate that I can't go out, can't give my all at work, can't fucking eat or drink anything without fear of getting sicker. I wanted to start going to the gym this week and buy a bike for the bike tour, but at this point isn't worth doing since walking up the block to Rite Aid was hard enough. I'm worried that I've annoyed all of my friends with yet another episode of ridiculous health shit. I'm worried that MDLL is going to get bored with me always being sick and go out and meet someone else. I'm worried I'm going to get fired. I'm worried that I'm never going to feel any better and I've wasted my life being drunk rather than checking things off my bucket list.
Okay...I know I'm not dying. I don't have cancer, I don't have MS, I have mono. It happens. But four months of living like this does not feel like living at all. It feels like shit.
So there you have it. This is me being a whiny, ungrateful, depressed hypochondriac. Well I guess I'm not a hypochondriac because I actually know I have mono now, but whatever. Every fucking week something was wrong this year and I can't imagine the mono was the cause of all of it...
I seriously can't take this anymore. I want my fucking life back.
Written by THIGHS around 5:01 PM
Friday, April 15
Gosh it feels good to be home. So good that I stayed out until 2am last night. Oops! I'm back in Chinatown at my neurologist's office. I have no idea why I'm here. A part two of something. I am so bored with this shit.
I'm happy to report I felt pretty good all week. Only lightheaded a few times. Maybe it's finally lifting.
I have a lot of work to do after training, so I plan on doing some this weekend. Other than that I'm having dinner with Bella at Blue Smoke tonight, watching the Red Wings with Bakes and Jarv at Canz tomorrow, hanging with MDLL, AND BUYING A BIKE!! Five Boro Bike Tour is in two weeks. I'm excited!
Yay home! Yay weekend!
Written by THIGHS around 8:54 AM
Thursday, April 14
My gosh I can't wait to go home tomorrow. It's only been three days, but I feel like it's been an eternity since I've been back in the AQ (Astoria, Queens) hanging with my friends.
The dumb thing is I rarely see the girls Monday - Wednesday lately, so why would I be missing them this much?
I guess I miss NY. I miss MD too, who I'm sorry to confuse you guys, but has now become LL (Lastname Lover) in my head. Basically MD was dead to me after Valentine's Day and LL is the new and improved MD. I haven't decided if I'm ditching the MD entirely, so for now he'll be MDLL.
Anyways, I miss MDLL. I wish I knew if he was missing me.
Training is going really well. It's me and my boss in front of 20 billers showing them how to use the new system. Well she's showing them, I'm taking notes. Good thing I love to write!
We went out for dinner and drinks Monday night and tonight. It was really nice to talk to her socially. Did I give my boss a name yet? How about Iron because I'm staring at one?
I'm laying on a king size bed in a hotel room in downtown Philly. Um, can I just say room service fucking rocks? I never ordered it before this week. Being served rules.
This is the first time I'm really getting an idea of what this job could become. I'm not too sure what to think yet. Next week I'll be here by myself, so that could be a little lonely. Or awesome. I guess I'll find out soon!
I seriously can't wait to be back in NY tomorrow night. I'm homesick!
Written by THIGHS around 12:06 AM
Wednesday, April 13
Well I did it. Thighs McGee is on Twitter.
I found out yesterday my brother is on Twitter and in order to follow him I need an account. Awwww...I love Rippie.
You might be surprised to know that writing most of my blog posts takes me a while. I write, reflect, and edit numerous times before posting.
FYI, my tweets will not be censored.
Look to your right for the link. Enjoy!
Written by THIGHS around 11:17 PM
Monday, April 11
Sunday, April 10
All is well today. It's the first time in a while that I feel like I'm beating whatever the fuck is wrong with me. I have finally fully admitted to myself that my anxiety levels are through the roof. I'm anxious about being anxious ALWAYS.
Where did I last leave off?
My MRI results were fine. THANK SHIZZA. The inner ear imbalance was an accurate diagnosis, although it doesn't cover all of my symptoms. My doctor gave me some visual and coordination exercises to help level me out. I wonder if being tipsy is temporarily helping my balance as I seem to feel better after a night of drinking. Only me!!
The pain in my foot was so bad that it travelled up into my knee as well. The podiatrist said there was nothing wrong with my foot so the pain must be coming from another part of my body. The neurologist jumped right on it and gave me a nerve test which consisted of about 50 electrical shocks to my arms and legs. She also took some blood to find out once and for all if my Lymes is back. Did I mention this possibility yet? No? I had Lymes when I was ten, yada, yada, yada, it tends to come back in a woman's thirties. Whatever. I've been x-rayed and pricked (heh) like a zillion times this month. It's getting fucking old.
Work is okay. I'll be in Philly Monday through Thursday this week and next. I'm really nervcited about it. When will the anxiety go away?? Gah! I went clothes shopping today to make myself feel more confident. I bought a lot of nice tops, but still haven't found pants that fit me right. Oh well. I'll try again next weekend.
My social life is the only thing keeping me sane (!!) lately. I love all of my friends so incredibly much. I feel guilty that sometimes I can't enjoy their company as much as I'd like to because I'm not feeling well, but I don't know if they ever notice. I've become a pretty good actress hiding all the shit going on inside. I'm not usually one to hide anything, it's just that every fucking week it's something so I don't want to sound like a whiny hypochondriac fuckwad. I forgot to mention the corneal eye infection I got out of nowhere last Tuesday. It felt like there was glass in my eye. Fantastic.
I wasn't able to hide anything yesterday, though. MD and I were laying in bed chatting when I started crying about how stressed I am with this new job. He was really, really sweet about it. He's been really sweet a lot lately, this week especially. We've hung out every day since Tuesday. I love being with him.
I was seriously okay with not talking about "us" or being his girlfriend up until last night. I got jealous and started to worry I was going to lose him. I'm glad. It was sort of weirding me out how detached I've been the past month or so. Very unlike me.
Anyhoo, he helped me realize why I'm so anxious about my life. I don't trust myself or have faith things will work out. Be it my health, job, or relationships, I'm constantly on edge and worried. I guess I've always been a worrier, but the past few months take the cake. The good news is I feel better knowing where the stress is coming from. The bad news? I don't quite know how to fix it yet. How do you learn to trust yourself again?
Written by THIGHS around 11:08 PM