I can't stop writing...
Happy Halloween, bitches! Check out Goth Thighs. No one recognized me!
I was SUPER excited for Halloween this year because in 2010 I was sick, 2009 I was with Tat and the night was pretty lame, 2008 I can't even remember...
My plan was to go to my friend Eronica's house for a costume/birthday party in Long Island, but the trains were fucked. I decided to stay home until it was time to meet the gang at Crazy Ass instead. I was indifferent about seeing MDLL. I just wanted to go to my Cheers.
I ended up having a great time. We hung out as friends like nothing happened for the most part. The costumes helped. It didn't seem like I was talking to my bald ex-boyfriend/first adult love when he's wearing a wig of six inch high guido hair. I certainly didn't look like my normal Baby Spice self, either.
At the end of the night, MDLL said he missed me, we hugged then kissed good-bye. The kiss wasn't right. He felt like a stranger.
I'm at the point in the break-up cycle where I'm seeing things clearly for the first time. I gave 100% of myself to him. I don't think MDLL can say the same. Sure we had some great moments and a strong bond, but the relationship was one-sided. As I've written before, there's a difference between effortless and not making an effort. MDLL never made an effort. It was easy because I made it so.
Everyday I feel a bit lighter. I realized last night how much this relationship was weighing me down. I thought about MDLL constantly. I've been waiting for him to break out of his funk, take control of his life, and make himself happy. It finally occurred to me that it's quite possible there is no funk. This is him.
MDLL isn't getting divorced any time soon. He wasn't going to settle down and marry me, either.
It's funny. I'm the one who broke it off yet I feel rejected. If I'm really being honest with myself, I believe MDLL does love me as a friend. There were two problems though. One, our sexual chemistry is awesome. Two, I loved him and wanted more. My guess is he tried to convince himself he wanted/was ready for a serious relationship with me in order to stay close friends.
Or not. Who knows? Part of the heaviness was trying to figure out what he was thinking when, again, it's completely possible he wasn't thinking anything. His thoughts are no longer my concern. It's freeing.
I'm glad I went Saturday night. It validated my decision to let MDLL go. Don't get me wrong, though. I'm really saddened by this and hoped we could have worked things out. Christ, I wanted little MDs and Thighs running around! Gah!
He was a good man and a good friend, just not the boyfriend I want anymore. If someone I loved was going above and beyond for me, you bet your ass I'd reciprocate.
Monday, October 31
I can't stop writing...
Did anyone watch Family Guy last night? It was an episode about domestic violence. Quagmire's sister's boyfriend repeatedly beat her and she wouldn't leave him.
The episode was upsetting, but good. I felt they addressed the subject in the usual Family Guy way with off-color jokes and a lot of cartoon blood, yet kept me focused on how heinously disgusting a person is for abusing another.
I read Jezebel.com every once in a while, usually if someone forwards me a funny article. Today I decided to goof off, so I checked out the site on my own.
This article immediately caught my attention: Family Guy Hits Horrible New Low With Domestic Abuse Episode. Given the headline, I think you know what the writer thought about the show.
I completely disagreed with her and wrote my FIRST EVER COMMENT on a random op piece. I spoil the ending, so if you plan to watch it, do so before reading the below and the Jezebel article. Make your own judgment first!
I love Family Guy. For the first few minutes I was shocked by this episode, then admired McFarlane's and the writers' balls for taking on the subject matter.
I'm not sure why you didn't mention the ending. Quagmire, Joe, and Peter were so angry with Jeff that they took him to the woods to kill him. Jeff knocked out Joe and Peter, then beat and choked Quagmire. Quagmire recovered and ran Jeff over with his car.
While I obviously do not condone murder, it was clear to me the message is if a victim of abuse can't or won't help themselves, do everything you can to help them.
I agree with you they should have flashed a hotline number. I do not agree that this was a scary Halloween episode. What IS scary is that shows with Family Guy's fanbase do not use their popularity to encourage their viewers to think about serious issues such as this. Needless to say, it is even scarier that domestic abuse happens in the first place.
Written by THIGHS around 5:52 PM
I rarely write reviews of books, movies and/or TV shows, because a) I never read, b) I usually don't have much to say other than "It was okay/awesome/awful." and c) I can't be bothered.
Last night I watched Something Borrowed with Ginnifer Goodwin, Kate Hudson, and some guy who looks like young Tom Cruise's cousin. The premise is Ginnifer (I hate the spelling of her name although I'd like to be able to sign things "Gin") and Cousin Tom fell in love in law school, but never told each other how they felt. Enter Kate, Gin's best friend, who aggressively hits on C.T. after Gin pretends she doesn't want him. Fast forward six years later, Kate and C.T. are engaged. Gin and C.T. hook up one night, end up professing their love, and sneak around behind Kate's back for the entire movie. In the last ten minutes we find out Kate cheated on C.T. and is pregnant with the other guy's baby. Kate then catches C.T. with Gin, the girls have a huge fight and their friendship is over. Gin and C.T. live happily ever after.
Sorry for not giving a spoiler warning. At least you don't need to watch it now.
This movie pissed me off. It pissed me off enough to write about it.
I guess I'm sensitive about relationships right now. I was ready to settle down with MDLL and now we're broken up. An old friend's marriage fell apart. I was with my family for five days in California, which is the longest amount of time we've spent together in 14 years. Relationships are all I think about lately.
Love can hurt. I get it. People fall in and out of love every day. This doesn't piss me off. It's what people DO when they fall in and out of love that upsets me.
Gin repeatedly lies to Kate to cover up her relationship with C.T. She then tells C.T. to call off the wedding, knowing it will hurt her best friend. Conveniently Kate is a bit of a selfish asshole; I'm sure the director was hoping we'd hate her by the end of the movie. I did, but I hated Gin more. She's so proud of herself for "letting go" and "taking a chance on love" with barely any remorse for being a sneaky bitch and rotten person. I should hate C.T. as well, yet for some reason I don't. He's a pathetic waste of space and there's no use for him. It's the shitty and dishonest friendship that bothers me most.
I hope to Shizza a guy never comes between my girlfriends and I. Luckily we have completely different taste in men. If that day should ever come, I solemnly swear I will never, ever, EVER pursue him. If I really was in love with the guy and couldn't change my feelings, I would tell my friend upfront. I'd rather take the high road and be honest then deceitful to or jealous of one of my besties.
I remember when the trailer came out. It seemed like a dumb fun romcom. Not even close. Something Borrowed is the worst title. It should have been called Something Assholes Do In the Name of "Love".
Can you tell I am irate?? GAH!
Oh and random...apparently the movie was also a commercial for Shake Shack and Heineken. Dumb.
On a scale of one to four thighs, this movie gets none.
Written by THIGHS around 12:55 PM
Friday, October 28
Wednesday, October 26
I like this article:
Very often, we find that two people who come together out of love grow apart as the years go by. Why does this happen?
Let's say you planted a coconut tree and a mango tree in your garden when they were young saplings, and they were the same height. You thought they would get along pretty well, a great love affair! And if both of them remained stunted and never grew, they would remain compatible. But if both of them grow to their full potential, they will grow to different heights, shapes and possibilities.
If you are looking for sameness between two people, the relationship will always fall apart. After all, a man and a woman come together because they are different. So it is the differences that brought you together, and the differences may become starker and more manifest as one grows. Unless you learn to enjoy the differences as you grow, falling apart or growing apart will naturally happen. If you are expecting both people to grow in the same direction and in the same way, that is unfair to both people. It will curtail and suffocate both of their lives. Whether you fall apart in years, in months or in days simply depends on how fast you are growing.
This whole expectation that the person who partners with you should be just like you is a sure way to destroy a relationship. It is a sure way to destroy the garden. Allow, nurture and enjoy the differences between you and your partner. Otherwise, the situation will be maintained in such a way where one person is compulsively dependent upon the other, or both people are compulsively dependent upon each other.
We need to understand that relationships happen because of certain needs -- physical, emotional and psychological needs. Whatever the nature of the relationship, the fundamental aspect is you have a need to be fulfilled. We may claim many things for why we have formed a relationship, but if those needs and expectations are not fulfilled, relationships will go bad.
And as people grow and mature, these needs change. When these needs change, what looked like everything between two people will not feel the same after some time. But we do not have to base a relationship on these same needs forever and feel that the relationship is over. We can always make the relationship mature into something else.
Whatever the needs that brought people together need not be the fundamentals of a relationship forever. The very fundamentals of a relationship have to change as time passes, and as one ages and matures in many different ways. If that change is not made, growing apart or falling apart is definitely a certainty.
Written by THIGHS around 1:40 PM
I don't want MDLL to sound like an asshole. He's not one. I guess I'm more motivated to post when I'm trying to sort out my thoughts during rough times, instead of celebrating the good ones. I've never been one to brag (I don't think), so blogging about how much my life rocks never felt natural.
To be fair, here are all of the things I love about MDLL:
He's caring, sensitive, generous, funny, smart, pensive, kind, sexy (SUPER sexy), strong, neat (much neater than me), loving, and considerate.
We have the same sense of humor when it comes to TV shows, movies, and just joking around. We are always laughing. I am pleasantly surprised every time he makes me laugh. It's not because it's hard to make me giggle, it's more because his voice rarely changes its tone and inflection. He can say, "I went to the store this morning." the same way he says "A guy at work whipped his dick out in the conference room and it was hilarious." When I make him laugh, I feel so accomplished. He has a great one.
Looks-wise, gosh don't get me started. He's tall with a swimmer's build - broad shoulders, narrow waist, muscular legs, and manly hands. His eyes are a warm light brown, almost like maple syrup. His skin is so soft, my favorite spot being the area from his ear to his shoulder which I unromantically like to refer to as his "neckmeat". I can spend days kissing it and have to fight the urge to bite a chunk out vampire-style especially when watching True Blood. I love looking at him, standing next to him, and touching him.
Shit. Now I'm horny.
While I complain about not getting flowers or thoughtful gifts, MDLL pays for probably 75% of whatever we eat or drink. He always says, "Stop it. It's my pleasure." when I try to pay.
He mails his family birthday cards.
He wears a suit to work and hangs it neatly on a hanger in front of his closet the minute he gets home. My dad used to do this, too.
If we're out at a bar surrounded by a group of friends, I notice him staring at me even when I'm not the one talking. If we are close enough to touch each other, we always do. One time all he did was lay a finger on my forearm just to feel me. I melted.
Shit. Now I'm crying.
He always teases me. A few weeks ago he was making fun of how loud and obnoxious I am. He screamed (which was funny to begin with since he's always so quiet), "I AM THIGHS. I AM TALKING. EVERYONE LISTEN TO ME." I laughed one of those belly truth laughs because he was dead on.
When he met my parents, he stood whenever they stood and didn't sit down until they sat down. He is very polite. The fact they loved him and he loved them is HUGE.
He remembers everything I tell him, which is impressive since I'm such a chatterbox*. I'm surprised when he brings up stupid shit I told him months ago or when he remembers my friends' names and stories.
We really do communicate well once we start having a tough conversation. The problem is we avoid them until it's too late.
I love when he caresses my hair, pulls my ponytail, or touches my cheek. He gives great hugs.
He says I'm hot. I've been told I'm pretty or cute, but never hot. It feels nice.
He is still the best kisser of all time. Best sex, too.
If I was trapped on a desert island and could only bring one person to spend the rest of eternity with, it would be MDLL.
I want us to see the world together, experience everything life has to offer, enjoy ourselves, love each other freely, honestly, and openly. I don't feel like we can do those things right now. I'm not quite sure what that means...
I hope this post gives you a better idea as to why I love MDLL. He is a good man and I am very, very happy to have him in my life.
I worry I'm one of those talk show doormat women who wait around for years for their significant other to commit to them, knowing deep down it will never happen, the audience chanting, "Dump him. Dump him. Dump him." I don't know what's worse - being that woman or having others THINK I am that woman. Ego much?
As I wrote in my last post, I'm struggling with defining deal-breakers. Marital status, definitely. Gifts? I'm not asking for a Louis Vuitton bag. I'm asking for a Spider-Man key chain at the dollar store. Anything that shows he is thinking of me when I'm not around, "Oooo, Thighs would like this!". I also want more of a glimpse into his interests outside of our shared ones. If he bought tickets to a band or game he wanted to see, I would love to share the experience with him. He goes to a Steelers game with his brother around Christmas. I would die if he invited me.
Shit. Now I'm confused again.
*This has nothing to do with the above...chatterbox - noun: a vag that won't stop making noises. Manujagger!
Written by THIGHS around 11:52 AM
Tuesday, October 25
Drum roll please...
The trip was awesome! I had SUCH a great time with my family. I don't really feel like writing about the weekend in detail, so here's a rundown:
1. I ate seven tacos
2. We walked the Golden Gate Bridge twice
3. I really enjoyed Alcatraz. It was intense, scary, educational, and thought-provoking.
4. Mass transit in SF is great. The cable cars are a little pricey, but fun. Buy a Muni pass (it's like a Metrocard) to save moola. The BART (subway) is very convenient for traveling to the airport, downtown, and Oakland. It also sounds like a space cruiser!
5. The weather was gorgeous. 80s all weekend with no humidity.
6. I heard SF was an expensive city. It's pretty comparable to NY. The air and smell is not. SF is much nicer!
7. My dad LOVED seeing the Raiders at home, despite their embarrassing loss.
8. My mom was on her best behavior until Sunday night. She went nuts when my dad and brother weren't where they said they'd be. She would NOT let it go. I was really fucking angry about it, then I realized I wasn't letting go of the fact she wasn't letting go and calmed myself down. Sort of. It took a lot out of me to charm the rage snake to sleep.
9. Vesuvio is my new favorite bar.
I can't wait to go back to see the Giants and Athletics!
I'd rather write about MDLL. I missed him a lot this weekend. Over the summer I had planned on inviting him with us if everything was straightened out. Oh well.
I'm sort of over it now. Not over him of course, over our relationship. The first half was rough because he hid the truth about his marital status. The second half was rough because I needed to time to figure out how I felt about his marital status and he didn't make an effort to change it.
The past couple of days I've been trying to see our relationship for what it is without the drama. It's hard. I love him so much and I know he loves me, I just don't know what to do about it. One minute I have a very vivid image of us laying in bed smiling with our toddler son in between us. The next minute we're at the bar watching football as buddies, nothing more. We are such a great match in a lot of ways, but I'm beginning to wonder if the ways we don't match are deal-breakers. I procrastinate stupid shit, like redecorating my bedroom or finishing books. He procrastinates on everything. I would like to be romanced, given flowers and thoughtful gifts. He hasn't treated me to either, even after I told him I'd appreciate those things. We still really only hang out in the neighborhood, but I can't blame him entirely for that as I've been pretty lazy with the date planning. It would be nice if he came up with ideas, though.
I also finally admitted to myself I am really hurt by his inaction. I'd do anything for the kid. It's pretty apparent he wouldn't do anything for me.
But will he one day? It's hard for me to know if this is MDLL or this is his reaction to getting divorced. Is his armor up?
Whatever the case, it's obvious the relationship we've had for the past year is over. If we were besties who liked to fuck, fine. It was awesome, but I want more. If it IS more than that we'll try again with, as he said, a clean slate for 2012.
I may take this back tomorrow, but right now, at this moment, I am glad we are broken up. We both have some thinking to do.
Written by THIGHS around 11:20 PM
Wednesday, October 19
MDLL and I texted every day last week, so it wasn't much of a break. I ended up stopping by the bar to see him Saturday night. It was a dumb decision considering it was 2am and we both had been drinking for a few hours. We had our first spat. Not quite an argument or fight, just a spat.
The next day I was angry. I'm still angry. I hate this. I hate being in this situation. I hate feeling this way. I hate him. Okay, that's a lie although we broke up for good Sunday night. We hit a wall. There's nothing left to do until his divorce is final.
I didn't hear from him again until last night. He called and apologized for everything. He said he's going to get divorced as soon as possible. He loves me and wants us to be together. It felt good to hear his voice and hear him take responsibility for it all, but truthfully I'm not holding my breath. There's no reason for me to believe he's going to see this through in a timely manner. If he does, I don't know how we'll bounce back from this considering my trust in him is wavering.
A couple of years ago I had a falling out with a good friend. I made my peace with it a while ago. She, well, not so much. While it's uncomfortable knowing someone in the world hates me, the hardest part is the resulting split of our group of friends. The ones I'm still friends with are neutral, the rest took her side and don't speak to me. Sometimes it hurts me that no one took my side and dropped her, but I get over it. The important thing is I am not letting it eat me up anymore. I have too many good things in my life to hold onto the bad vibes.
The reason I brought her up is she's about to get divorced. Her husband dropped a bomb out of nowhere. I feel AWFUL. I remember when they met, I was at their wedding, and he was always nice to me after the fight, at least to my face. What a fucking dick though. I get that people break up, but he did it in a very shitty way. I want to reach out and support her, but like I said, she hasn't let our drama go and probably never will.
Since I can't do any thing for her, I am trying to learn from the experience and put my life in perspective. I hope that doesn't read shitty. I wouldn't wish this on anyone. What I mean is, her break up just goes to show that you never fucking know what will happen. If you asked me a month ago if I thought they'd stay together, I'd say yes. Shit, if you asked her a month ago I'm sure she would, too. My point is, all we can ever do is trust ourselves, have faith we will survive what life throws at us, love the way we want to be loved, and hope for the best. I know she'll make it through this and even though my situation with MDLL is nowhere near the disappointment and heartache she must be feeling, I know I will make it through this too.
I decided I'm taking the next two months off from boys. I'm going to enjoy the rest of the year by focusing on how to make myself a better person. 2011 started off shitty and, break up aside, is ending up awesome. I feel stronger, wiser, and more stable. Somehow this has become the best year of my entire life and I want to see it through.
Up next, Thighs Family trip to California starts tomorrow! Have I ever mentioned my dad is an Oakland Raiders fan? Very strange considering he was born and raised in Brooklyn. Anyhoo, I've wanted to take him to a home game for years. We're finally going this weekend. I cannot WAIT to see his face when we get there. I took him to a Jets/Raiders game in '05 (I think) and he was like a kid on Christmas. There I was, freezing my ass off all bundled up, while he sat on the edge of his seat, coat unzipped, no hat, no gloves, with happy twinkles in his eyes. I love that punk. My word I am getting sentimental in my old age...
My mom and brother are coming, too. We haven't taken a family vacation since Disney World in 1997. My mom and I fought the entire time. I was probably the only person in the history of the world contemplating suicide in the Magic Kingdom. Yes, I was always dramatic.
Keep your fingers crossed the trip goes well, things turn around for an old friend, and MDLL gets his shit together so we can start fresh in the new year.
Written by THIGHS around 10:20 AM
Thursday, October 13
Gah! I can't believe I haven't posted in three weeks. Actually I can. A lot was going on! The rundown:
On September 24th, my parents came up to Queens to meet MDLL. It was AWESOME. Like incredibly awesome. They love him and he loves them, especially my dad. I couldn't have asked for a better night.
The next morning my mom said we are a great couple and can see he loves me, but meeting him makes his relationship status even more confusing. If we have such a good thing going, why isn't he processing his divorce yet? More on this later.
MDLL called me that evening to say he sprained his ankle and could barely walk. When I got to his house his ankle was huge and he was inexcruciating pain every time he tried to get up. He refused to go to the doctor (stupid boys!), so after an hour of pleading and the promise of a beej if he went (stupid boys!) I finally got him to go to the ER.
SIX HOURS LATER, we find out he has a sprained ankle and a fractured fibula. The fracture was a clean one, so luckily all he needed were crutches and an aircast. Strangely enough, The Gentleman also happened to be in the ER with a friend who was having bad panic attacks. I rarely feel awkward because, well, I don't know why, but I did then. MDLL was sitting in a wheelchair while The G-Man is standing three feet away, watching me console the guy I dumped him for. Awkward turtle! (Janey!)
I have a new appreciation for anyone who uses crutches in NYC. It is NOT easy to get around, especially when you live on the third floor of a walk-up like MDLL. I helped out by doing his food shopping, running errands, bringing dinner, cleaning up, etc. I was his nurse for the whole week. It felt good to take care of him. I finally got to repay him for keeping me company when I was sick earlier this year.
The timing sort of sucked, though. We were starting another conversion at work, so I was putting in a good 10 hours a day at the office, then going to MDLL's after. I was basically running on adrenaline the whole time. It felt good! Best two weeks I've ever had at Biz. It was the first time I felt well enough to really dive in and focus. I learned a ton about the job, about my strengths and weaknesses, and am working on setting higher expectations for myself. Sure I'm sitting at work blogging away at the moment, but I needed to vent...
So. The divorce.
Things with MDLL have been amazing. I am so in love with him. This is it. Like IT-IT. My life is changed forever.
The one problem we still have is communication. Neither of us want to have tough conversations. I don't want to ask him if he's processed the divorce because I'll feel like a naggy drag. He doesn't bring it up because things are going well and he knows I'll be upset he still hasn't moved forward. We are afraid to acknowledge the elephant in the room.
Finally this past Sunday we discussed the divorce and many other things, from living together to marriage to how we're spending the holidays this year. I told him I need to understand why he hasn't processed the paperwork. He's not sure why he keeps putting it off. He knows he doesn't want to get back together with his wife (I hate this word), he knows he loves me, but he doesn't know why he hasn't moved forward.
We're back to where we've been four other times since we met. On a break. He needs to do this on his own. I can't help him, I can't force him, I can't do anything except give him time and space. It sucks.
I can't cave either. We need to be apart until the paperwork is being processed. He says he wants it done by 2012 so he can have a clean slate. Hopefully he sticks to the timeline. Hopefully our relationship isn't wiped from the slate, too.
Written by THIGHS around 11:19 AM