thighs

PMS and Football

2012-01-23T15:24:00.001-05:00

I'm dragging ass today. Dragging. Ass.

I slept most of Friday and Saturday. Rest and fluids is the best thing for me to heal when I've been glutened or sugared or whatever the hell. Saturday night I felt well enough to go to MDLL's and lay around his apartment for a change of scenery. I got another 10+ hours of sleep that night too, so by Sunday I was raring to go for the Giants game. Did you hear the news?

THE MOTHER FUCKING GIANTS ARE GOING TO THE MOTHER FUCKING SUPERBOWL! AAAAIIIIEEEE!!

So awesome.

Or is it?

I was PMSing hardcore Saturday. I cleaned my entire apartment, even scrubbed the walls. I cried over the Disney movie Meet the Robinsons, which is really sweet and adorable. (The movie, not me crying.) When I got to MDLL's, he was dealing with his own male-PMS so I didn't really have the time or energy to act out mine. Man, can that kid be cranky!! The next day he was back to his loving self, so I became an insecure teenage bandgeek. (I don't know why I called myself a bandgeek, but that's what came out as I typed. It probably has something to do with watching American Pie 2 on Sunday. PETEY!) I went middle school on him: "Do you still like me? Do you think I'm cool? I still turn you on, right? Circle yes, no, maybe." Apparently, I need to be extra validated when I'm about to get my pdiddy. MDLL took my moroncy (manujaggered) in stride and made me feel better. He's a good egg.

Later on we went to Crazy Ass to watch the last half of the Ravens/Patriots game. I HATE the Patriots. Hate. It's not because they are good; it's because they are bad fucking sports. Only dickheads go for a two point conversion when the game is out of reach. Brady punting the ball himself last week against Denver was dickish bullshit, too. Just because you can, doesn't mean you should! Belichik's refusal to shake the winning coach's hand is bullshit as well. He and Brady's talent impresses me, but I'd like them more if they had some class.

Get this. When the Giants game started I actually wanted them to lose so they wouldn't face the Patriots again.

WHAT!?!?!? WHAT KIND OF FAN AM I?!?!?!

Seriously, I wanted them to lose for about ten minutes. During that time I talked it out with MDLL.

Me: I can't take this pressure. I want them to lose.

MDLL (slightly laughing at me): What? Why?

Me (near tears): The Patriots will slaughter them for ruining their perfect season!!

MDLL: Orrrr...the Giants could win again.

Me (crying): BUT, WHAT IF THEY DON'T!?!?

MDLL(smiling and hugging me): It will be okay. I promise.

A vodka soda later:

Me: What the hell is wrong with me? Why would I want the Giants to lose? I need to get to the bottom of this. I would rather them lose the Championship rather than try to win the Superbowl? What the hell? Is it because they will be heartbroken if they lose the Superbowl? So what, at least they got there! At least they tried!! Isn't not trying worse than failing?? I mean, failing is better than not trying.

MDLL (smiling, eyebrows raised): ...

Me: Look at my life! I am not scared to do anything except the things that mean the most to me, ie writing, drawing, and creating! I am so scared to be judged about the things I care the most about! But, who is judging??? WHO? I'm failing right now because I'm not trying!! At least the Giants are trying!

MDLL (drinking his beer, staring at me): ...

Me: It's my mother. My mom was so mean and judgmental when I was a kid. I wanted her to like me, but she never did! I wanted everyone to like me so I didn't try because I didn't want to be better than anyone. That's all changed now!! My mom likes me and I like her and the people in my life would love me if I was successful! And they would all love me if I tried and failed! It's like Meet the Robinsons: KEEP MOVING FORWARD!

MDLL then said lovely personal things about his life which I will not share here. More hugs and kisses.

Me: Okay, I want the Giants to win now. LET'S GO BLUE!

END SCENE.

Whine whine whine

2012-01-20T17:33:00.004-05:00

I haven't whined in a while. Let her rip!

Stupid fucking gluten. Stupid fucking sugar. I've had a sore throat on and off all week, so I'd pop a couple of Advil and cough drops before bed to sleep through the night. On my way out the door this morning I grabbed some Halls Honey Lemon drops thinking they'd be more powerful than the Duane Reade sugarfree ones I had been using. My throat is fine now. The rest of me, not so much.

I don't know for sure, but since Halls is the only thing I ate out of the ordinary, I am blaming it for my tummy attack at work. It was the usual pattern: I poop a lot, get cold, panic, then become extremely exhausted. I went home around 1pm, slept until about 3pm, and am now blogging. I'm forcing myself to eat a lot because if I don't I'll get even weaker. I feel much better, although I'm still tired and my tummy's a little sore.

I want to cry. It's getting easier and easier to deal with this, but I still can't help getting upset. I feel stupid, embarassed, annoyed, and guilty for hurting my body. I know this is trial and error. I know it's going to take time. Look how far I've come!! I know when it hits I have to drop everything and take care of myself before I shut down.

I've been feeling great, I'm the happiest and most positive I've ever been, and life has been good. For whatever reason, I can't eat gluten and I have to watch my sugar intake. Oh no! I'm forced to eat healthy! Poor me! Ha!

I'm laughing. It was a silly mistake. Now I know better.

Interestingly enough, I ate a premade orzo dish with spinach, sundried tomato, and feta for lunch on Tuesday. I've had it before and never felt gross until this week. I thought maybe it had gone bad or something, so I forgot about it.

Today when I was looking up info on the cough drops I saw orzo is pasta. I had no idea! I thought it was rice! DUMB. So now I'm a bit confused again to what throws me over the edge. Yes, the orzo made my stomach a bit icky, but it passed relatively quickly. Why would the sugar in a cough drop knock me down if that didn't? Trial and error, people.

Oooo Pad Thai is safe! I had it Wednesday night at this really good restaurant called Topaz on 56th Street. DELISH! I'm still very addicted to the gluten free pizza at Mozzarelli's on 23rd Street, too. See, Thighs? Being GF ain't THAT bad!

This post wasn't as whiny as I thought it would be. Yay!

One year anniversary!

2012-01-19T13:37:00.002-05:00

Yesterday was my one year anniverary at Biz. Crazy, right?

Wanna hear something crazier?

I LOVE MY JOB.

WHAT WHAT WHAT!?!

January 6th started our final practice conversion before go-live in March, so for the past couple of weeks I've been working late and on the weekends. It was awesome. I feel smarter, more productive, more invested, and HAPPY.

Last week I was walking to work when the thought crossed my mind I might actually love this gig. I stopped in my tracks and had a slight panic attack. This idea was surprising, scary, and confusing. The word "love" was stuck, the "l" caught between my chest and my throat. I forced myself to say it out loud, "I love my job."

My heart still flutters when I say it.

Here is what Professional Thighs has learned over the past 12 months. Actually 6 months, considering I was comatose the first half of 2011.

1. Be sincerely pleasant and kind

I've always had problems with my attitude at previous jobs. I hated inefficiency, stupidity, lack of vision. I hated my bosses once I figured out I was smarter or more driven than they were. I hated a lot of things and I didn't hide it.

I am now the "face of Biz" at the client office. I'm the only one from my company that is here every day. I'm sincerely pleasant to everyone, even when they are being mean and difficult. I realize now that being nice is way more efficient than having a chip on my shoulder. Being nice and kind makes others feel good about themselves and as a result, empowers them to do better. Being nice also makes ME feel good!

2. The Client is not always right.

It's hard to tell someone they are wrong. The Client is not always right, but you have to make them FEEL right or at least, not stupid. While this goes along with being pleasant, it's also a crucial communication skill I'm trying to master.

3. There's a million ways to skin a cat.

An old coworker used to drive me crazy when he said this. Now I understand that if the result is the same, who cares (most of the time)?. I used to fight for what I thought was the proper way to do something; in the end it never really mattered.

4. I love my autonomy.

While it's frustrating at times when I can't get a hold of my boss Iron, I LOVE that I am on my own now. I don't have a boss breathing down my neck, slobbering at my door, questioning my decisions. All I have to do is come here, be cool, and get my shit done. It's perfect.

5. I am a procrastinating crammer.

After 34 years, I've finally realized I am a crammer. In college I'd write papers the night before they were due. At work I can have two months to get a project done, barely touch it, then pull something out of my ass the 11th hour. I no longer stress over this because it's how I am.

6. There's no need to stress.

I realized there are two reasons why I stress over work: one, I'm not doing my job or two, someone else isn't doing their job.

If I'm not doing my job, then I need to fucking do it. End of story. If someone else isn't doing their job - whether it means a boss who is a bad manager or a peer is worthless - there's not much I can do about it. I can talk to the person or HR, but that never seems to help. The only other options are to either get over it or leave.

Obviously I'm the leaving type. If you aren't then my advice to you is Tim Gunn's advice, "Make it work."

7. Balance is everything.

Part of the reason why I had such a shitty relationship with bosses is because I was expecting way too much from them. I was expecting them to nurture me, empower me, and encourage me to shine. Yeah, those bosses are rare.

I realize now that if my job isn't giving me what I want, then I need to find it in other areas of my life. If my job sucks my soul, then my personal life must replenish it.

Luckily, I believe Iron is one of the good bosses. She's smart, competent, constantly shows her appreciation, gave me a nice bonus, and told me I'm getting a raise next week.

I love my job AND my boss! WHO AM I!?!?!?!

Real Love?

2012-01-04T11:39:00.003-05:00

Things with MDLL are going SUPER well. He's still waiting to hear back from his lawyer about the divorce (it's a friend who is doing it for free, so he doesn't want to be too pushy), but other than that (yes, I know it's still a big BUT) things are awesome. He is more communicative than he's ever been. He's opened up about the divorce, where he is in life, how he feels about me, and where we are headed. We go on dates, he treats me well, and he's still the best kisser in the world. Each day we hang out I find myself falling more and more in love with him. It's amazing to me how he gets funnier, sexier, and more interesting every day.

Over the weekend we reflected on the past year, specifically how all of our ups and downs affected us. We laughed about it and pinky swore not to break up again. I told him I've held back on sharing my thoughts about our future because I was afraid I'd scare him off. He said not to worry about it; he thinks about our future, too. I shared a couple of things, like how we should have a Crazy Ass table at our wedding for all of our friends from the bar. I did not tell him that I regularly update my wedding guestlist spreadsheet and have been looking at bridal gowns. Yes, I have become THAT GIRL.

Truthfully it's fun being THAT GIRL. I am excited to be with MDLL, I am excited to be in love, and I'm excited to have met someone I actually want a future with. I've always had an overactive imagination, so it's natural for me to daydream about what our home, wedding, kid (I'm thinking one boy), and life will be like. What isn't coming natural is accepting all of this.

After ten years of failed relationships, I am having a hard time believing MDLL and I are together. I, Thighs McGee, have a boyfriend. I, Thighs McGee, have met the man I want to marry. ME. THIGHS. The former commitmentphobe Jedi-slut. WHAT THE WHAT?

I do not doubt MDLL loves me, cares about me, or that we are both in it for the long haul. Actually I'm not even sure if what I'm feeling is doubt...maybe disbelief? Here is an example:

Last night we went out to dinner, then took the train home together. He invited me to his place and I declined saying it was too cold (20 degrees). I just wanted to go home, put on fleece pants, and veg. He looked sad and said, okay well I want to hang out with you, so I'll come to your place. Sweet, right?

We spent the night snuggling and watching TV. It was perfect. He's perfect. At one point he got up and time sort of stood still. I stared at him and thought, "Is this real? This isn't real. This can't be real."

I can't believe it. How the hell did *I* find love? I've been single my whole life. I can tell you how to meet guys, how to get laid (simply ask them), and how to politely break up with someone, but I have no experience with long-term serious relationships. If we move in together, where/when can I talk to myself or laugh-cry in the fetal position? What happens if the sex gets boring? Will his family like me? Will we always be attracted to each other?

The funny thing is, I now think the roller coaster ride of our relationship actually made it easier for me to digest being one. MDLL had one foot out the door for months. I'm used to guys not liking me, so it was "normal" to feel like this was temporary. Now that he's invested in me and in us, it's a bit jarring. Holy-shit-I'm-someone's-girlfriend jarring.

As fun as it is being THAT GIRL, I know I'm not ready to move in with MDLL or get married yet. He needs to get divorced (duh) and I need to adjust to no longer being a spinster. Like I wrote in an earlier post, I am SUPER excited to see what this year holds for us. I just have to remember to take it slow.

2012 Resolutions

2012-01-03T17:02:00.002-05:00

For the first time in my life, my resolutions will not include losing weight and getting a boyfriend. Hooray!

1. Read.

I am starting this year off with Let The Great World Spin, Dark Tower Book 1, and Twilight. I also now regularly read the NYTimes online and just started buying the Sunday paper. Part of this resolution includes mastering the NYTimes crossword every week.

2. Volunteer.

I miss volunteering. I want to find something art or environment related, flexible with my work schedule, and more organized than NYCares.

3. Pay a little more each month to my debt.

I reached the halfway point of paying off my credit card debt. Have I ever said the total on Thighs? Brace yourself...$45K. FORTY-FIVE THOUSAND DOLLARS. Christ. I am now down to $21K. I wish I was a bit happier about this. I've come so far AND I have a way better relationship with money. Live and learn, right?

4. Continue to make my health my number one priority.

Mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually, financially...every-ally. Eat right, exercise, floss, sing, dance, meditate, write, draw. Do everything I can to love myself and love my life.

5. Become aware

This goes along with reading, of course. I want to learn and be knowledgeable about current events, politics, and the state of the world. It's a bit overwhelming because I'm not sure where to start, but I'm glad I'm finally interested.

That's it for now...not too shabby!!

Happy New Year!

2012-01-03T14:08:00.003-05:00

I'm so excited for 2012!! Right now I'm pumped for the crazy conversion crunch that will be the next two weeks at work and to see what this year will bring with MDLL.

I am FUCKING PSYCHED. The excitement, the positivity, the possibilities, the unknown...I can't take it!! GAH!! ANYTHING COULD HAPPEN! Anything! Sure, anything can happen any day, but I feel a lot wonderful things will happen this year. I am freaking out in a good way!

I really need to slow my roll, but I can't! I feel like the guy who saw the double rainbow...

Deep breaths...stop blogging...focus on work...

IMGOINGTOPEEMYPANTS!!

2011 Year in Review: I didn't know.

2011-12-30T12:23:00.005-05:00

2011 is coming to an end tomorrow. I can't believe it. I MADE IT!

In a conversation with myself this morning, the theme of this year became clear:

I didn't know.

I didn't know a lot of things about myself, my life, and my world before 2011. Here is what I know now:

I know I am a good, decent, caring person. I know I am sensitive, empathic, and resilient. I know I won't give up on myself or others. I know my limits, my weaknesses, and my strengths. For the first time in my life, I know and love Me.

I knew Boob Saga shook me last summer, but I didn't know how much it would change my life...

Cee said it's possible I had post-traumatic stress disorder for the last sixteen years. Some doctors have found PTSD can stunt a person's emotional and mental growth, keeping them frozen in time from when the trauma occurred. I believe it. The angst and pain I've felt my entire adult life was strangely immature, like I was still a teenager. Read the last four years of Thighs for proof!

I now believe once my implant was removed, my body and soul purged everything. The last few months of 2010 were filled with sharing and recovering from Boob Saga, confronting my fears about 9/11 and my stove, sleepless nights, anxiety, and lots of tears. 2011 started with seven months of a sick slumber. When I awoke I found love.

I love myself, my friends, my family, my boyfriend, my job, my home, my city, my gods. Everything. The implant was in my left breast covering my heart for sixteen years. I believe once it was removed, my heart was free to love again.

My body continued purging long after my surgery. It transformed itself. Being sick this year was the best thing that ever happened to me. I can no longer drink beer, eat crap food, or blow it out every night. My body won't let me. It saved me from my self-sabotaging ways.

I learned so much this year. I know how important my friends and family are to me. I know how important it is to be a kind and respectful person, especially at work. I know there is no right or wrong, only understanding. I know happiness isn't something you need to find. It's just there waiting for you to embrace it. So is love.

Thank you 2011 for being the best worst year of my life.

Thank you Heather for being there when I needed you most.

Thank you Mom, Dad, and Richie for also being there now and always. It took a long time for me to get to a place where I am not afraid to love you anymore. I am very, very happy you are my family.

Thank you Matt for bringing a new kind of love into my life. I love you more than I ever thought I could love anyone. It's funny, they say real love is worth the wait. I don't think that's right, though. It's not worth the wait, it makes you feel like there wasn't a wait.

And thanks to all of you for following me on my journey this year. 2012 is going to be epic. I can feel it.

Best. Christmas. Ever!

2011-12-29T16:16:00.005-05:00

I had SUCH a great Christmas this year. Rippie and I went to No Idea on Thursday night, our annual pre-going-home-for-the-holidays drink up spot in the city. We went to Jackson the next day and that night I got to see my friend Annie for a bit. Saturday was filled with shopping, drinking, eating, football, movies, and midnight mass to hear my dad sing in the choir. Sunday was more eating and movies. Monday we went to my uncle's in Long Island, then made a last minute trip to Bay Ridge to see my favorite cousins Dawn, Jody, and their kids. I had so much fun with my family!! We laughed a lot and I truly enjoyed their company. YAY!

MDLL and I celebrated our Christmas last night. It was FANTASTIC. I can't stop smiling. His flight from Pittsburgh got to NYC around 6pm, so I decided to pick him up from the airport. I made a cheesy glittery sign with his last name on it to hold up and poured some vodka into a couple of seltzer water bottles so we can drink on the way home. He was glowing, I was glowing. It was all very glowy.

I really didn't know what to expect in terms of presents because MDLL never bought me one. He told me he was worried I wouldn't like what he bought. Well, he was wrong! SO WRONG!

I asked for a book on the history of the subway, which he got me. Everything else was a complete surprise: A CAMERA, because I mentioned I needed a new one like two months ago; a Captain America shield hoodie; a Star Wars lightsaber candle holder that is so friggin cool - this is what it says on the box: "You could win people over to the dark side of the Force by using mind tricks and fear tactics, but you prefer a gentler hand. A candlelit dinner, perhaps, followed by fresh-baked cookies. Let Vader's power shine over you both."; and last a Star Wars Lego toy which is creepy because I JUST decided I needed to start buying them like two weeks ago and didn't tell him! HE KNOWS ME!

I bought him a speaker dock for his iPod, a sleeve for his MacBook, the Steve Jobs book (Apple much?), Step-Brothers and MacGruber DVDs (his favorites of late), and a couple of nice cigars. He loved everything!! I KNOW HIM!

After presents he took me out for a nice steak dinner, then we came back to my place to get jiggy with it. SNOOTCH!

The past week was filled with friends, family, plenty of wonderful gifts, tons of laughs, and lots of love...easily the BEST. CHRISTMAS. EVER!

I hope your Christmas was awesome, too!!

Yay good thoughts!

2011-12-22T14:27:00.001-05:00

Yaaaayyy! The good thoughts worked!

I had a three day hangover. The morning nausea seems to be related to the rice cake with peanut butter I was eating for breakfast almost all week. At first I thought it was due to taking a stronger dose of Synthroid on an empty stomach. Actually it could still be that...I was fine yesterday morning when I didn't eat the rice cake and had a huge dinner the night before at Uno's. I hate going to chains in the city, but they have a gluten free menu! The pizza was okay; Mozzarelli's on 23rd Street is loads better. HIGHLY recommend it. Anyways, I didn't eat much dinner last night, ate a rice cake this morning, and voila - nausea.

Besides the morning yucks, I feel fantastic! It's been a great week! My male boss, who I guess I'll call Miron since my female boss is Iron, called me into his office and closed the door. He barely ever talks to me, so I'll admit I was a bit nervous. Well, they still love me and I'm getting a 10% bonus! Yay! Moola plans:

1.10% to charity. It's time to pay it forward! I'm thinking local NYC ones. Please let me know if you have a charity you'd like me to donate to.

2. Take MDLL out on a nice date.

3. A bunch of us are going to New Orleans for Rockstar's 40th birthday in February, so now that's paid for!

4. Boots. The weather has been so nice that I've been able to get away without a pair, but it's bound to snow soon.

5. Taxes and debt. I'm not sure what's going to happen with my taxes this year. This is my first job where I don't have ANY pre-tax deductions. Hopefully I don't end up owing. If I don't, the rest of my bonus is going right to my debt. If I do, I'm fortunate to be able to pay! I was just saying to Juniper last night that I don't mind paying taxes. I just wish I knew where it all went.

My brother Rippie is flying in from LA right now. I CAN'T WAIT TO SEE HIM! I'm heading home right at 5pm and starting my four day weekend. Next week I'll probably work from home, then I have another four day weekend. LIFE IS GRAND!

There's only one thing I'm a bit bummy about, but it's not so bad. In fact, it's better than bad - it's good!

MDLL left for Pittsburgh last night. He's gone for a week. It's the longest we've been apart, not counting our five thousand break ups. I cried!! I miss him sooooo much and I'm bummed we can't spend Christmas together. So why is this a good thing? I am so incredibly thankful and blessed to have found someone I love and know they love me back. The more I miss him, the more I know he is The One. YAAAAAYYYY!!!

Good thoughts! Healthy thoughts!

2011-12-19T17:30:00.003-05:00

I've stayed pretty positive for a good month now. I don't want it to end! I do find myself a bit down today, though. I was a little nauseous and had the cold sweats in the evening. Once I ate dinner I felt fine.

Today I'm tired and a bit rundown. I'm trying to stay cool about it, but it's hard. I immediately go through the list of things I ate, what I did, etc., which sort of makes me feel worse because I'm playing the blame game with myself again. I don't think it's food related. It's quite possibly I'm getting my annual Christmas cold and flu.

I also have to admit to myself I went out a lot this week, more than I have in quite a while. Wednesday night MDLL came over and we almost polished off a bottle of vodka. (Sobieski is the shit!) I was in the mood to get my drink on and I succeeded! MDLL said he hadn't seen me that drunk in months. At around 1:30am I finally put myself to bed. Thursday I was hungover and hurting alllll daaaaay.

Friday I went out with my Minnow girls Ceej and Breen. It was so fun!! I miss those bitches. I drank a lot of vodka again, got home around midnight, then stayed up until 2am doing who knows what.

Saturday I woke up at 7am and couldn't go back to sleep. I went to yoga at 11am then took a two hour nap before heading into the city to do some Christmas shopping. I went to MDLL's apartment on my way home for dinner (delicious gluten-free pizza from Mozzarelli's!) and planned on calling it an early night. It didn't happen. We went to the Crazy Ass holiday party around 10pm and left at around 2am to carry home the flat screen TV he won at their raffle. WOO HOOO!! We were up until about 3am setting it up and watching a bit of Star Wars.

The NEXT morning (haven't you missed these kinds of posts?) I woke up at 8am, couldn't go back to sleep, blah blah blah skip to feeling crappy in the evening until I ate dinner. I slept a solid ten hours and I might do it again tonight.

The Steelers are playing Monday Night Football, so I told MDLL I'd come over and watch the game with him. I think I need to just go home. I don't want to get sick and we have a date tomorrow night anyways. He's going home to Pittsburgh for a week on Wednesday, so I want to spend tomorrow with him before he leaves. I'm really sad we aren't spending Christmas together. Here's hoping we will from now on!

Anyhoooo...I wrote this post for myself. I mean, I write all of them for myself, but I'm bummed about not feeling well and I need to stop freaking out...

Dear Thighs,

I know we've been through a lot this year and you're worried it's going to get bad again. It won't! I PROMISE. Just two weeks ago we had a gluten attack and felt awesome after a few days. It will pass! Every Christmas we get some sort of bug or flu, so that's very well what could be happening right now. Also, we partied a lot this week, so it could be a massive drawn out hangover. We're still healthy overall!

Relax. We didn't do anything wrong, except act like we're a drunk twenty-something again. Stop feeling guilty you're hurting our body. The guilt is making you feel worse. Next time we have to remember we don't like being hungover and we need our sleep!

Self-inflicted boozing ills aside, sickness is a part of life. It's going to happen no matter how hard we try to avoid it. Say something did happen, what do we know now? We know we like and trust our doctor, we know we have good support in our friends, we know Mom and Dad will come running to our rescue, and we know we will be strong and face it head on. We are not alone.

Go home, relax, watch TV, and got to bed early. After a good night's sleep tonight, I'm sure we'll feel like a zillion bucks tomorrow.

Love,

Me/You/Us

MY Struggles

2011-12-14T11:36:00.000-05:00

I woke up this morning and reread my last post. It occurred to me these aren’t world struggles; they are MY world struggles. World struggles would include famine, disease, war, lack of freedom, things I am fortunate enough to not have to live with and hopefully never will.

I am lucky to live in a country where everyone has a voice, an opinion, and freedom. I am lucky to have a life in which I am not stressing out about feeding myself, my kids, paying a mortgage, or trying to find work. My good life has afforded me the opportunity to focus on issues that do not directly concern me. Instead of seeing this as a burden, I now think of it as a gift. Do you think a single mother with five kids cares about the TLC show losing advertisers? Fuck no.

On my way to work this morning I had a moment of clarity. I exited the train with a furrowed brow and heavy heart, deep in thought about my post. The stairway out of the station was packed for pedestrian rush hour and here was this dumb lady allowing her two year old daughter to slowly walk up each step on her own. I was so irritated. Pick up your fucking kid and get out of our way!

As I rushed pass them, a heard a man behind me ask, “Do you need help?” The woman’s response was dripping with gratitude, “YES! THANK YOU!” Here I was caught up in my own bullshit, ignoring the fact this woman was carrying a stroller while her daughter walked in front of her. It did not occur to me she couldn’t carry both of them. Ironic after I just wrote how proud I am of my common courteous, right?

I laughed out loud. It was exactly what I needed to feel better and get my head out of my ass. There is no right and wrong. There is only understanding.

The world is suffering. This is not pessimistic, it’s the truth. Chances are I will not be able to change it on a larger scale. All I can do is change my perspective and make MY world meet my expectations. I want a world filled with PLUR, an acronym a heard from my club days – peace, love, unity, and respect.

If the world is suffering, if death is inevitable, there is no reason to stress about it. Accepting this may sound like giving up, but it’s not. Acknowledging the dark makes the light seem that much brighter. If I want to make a difference, all I need to do is shine my own light bright and empower others to do the same.

Another safety tip...

2011-12-14T00:40:00.004-05:00

If you live alone, do not have your full name on your mailbox or buzzer. Thieves can scope out an apartment to rob by doing this, figure out who you are, when you leave, and break in. Worse things can happen if you are home and they don't care.

Instead of having your full name, just have your last name. This way no one knows if it's one person, a couple, or a family. If that's not possible, ladies at least just have your first initial and full last name. Unless you're Pat or Chris, it will be obvious you're a chick on your lonesome.

Sorry, just something to think about.

World Struggles

2011-12-13T23:17:00.008-05:00

The beginning of this year I was so focused on surviving that nothing else seemed to matter. No, I wasn't dying. I didn't have cancer or AIDS or something horrible. I was sick, confused, depressed, and afraid because I didn't know what was happening to me. Now that I'm healthy again something has shifted.

If you've noticed some of my recent posts are about the world beyond the Thighs bubble. I have a new perspective and outlook on my life. Things that stressed me out to no end - issues with work, boys, friends, money, etc. - don't seem as devastating as they did a year ago. Don't get me wrong; I still get anxious if something is troubling me in these areas, but the feeling doesn't last as long. I'm learning to acknowledge the issue and take action only when I can do so in a way that is respectful to both myself and the other person (if one is involved).

Naturally if I'm becoming less focused on Me, I'm beginning to focus on the We, as in mankind.

I never liked watching the news because I hate what I see and hear. I hate hearing about rapes, murders, crime, the economy, religious fanaticism, politics, war...you name it and chances are I'd rather put my head in the sand than hear about any of this shit.

It's time I grew up. I AM growing up, right before my eyes. I care what happens in my community. I want to know what's happening in the world. And I want to know how I can help. The problem is I don't know HOW to help on a larger scale.

I take great pride in the fact that I have become a nice, caring, and polite woman. I help old ladies cross the street, give food to the homeless, hold doors for people, and always say my pleases and thank yous. I am a big believer in the pay it forward concept. I think people respond well to kindness and are usually kind in return. Love really does conquer all. I realized my biggest obstacle in life was to learn how to accept and give love without fear. I haven't mastered this by any means, but I am trying. At least now I know.

It is a challenge to be kind and love some days. Today was one of them. I felt great this morning until I read this article. I heard some advertisers stopped airing their commercials during the TLC show All-American Muslim last week, but I didn't know the details. Once I read how an Anti-Muslim group in Florida influenced companies to pull their ads (Lowes Hardware being the most vocal about their decision), I was infuriated. RED SHE-HULK ANGRY. I've been on the verge of tears all day ever since I read it. Not all Muslims are terrorists just like all Christians and Catholics aren't ignorant fucks, you ignorant fucks!

I became so incredibly angry, not just about about this article, but hate in general. The hate all over the internet and television is making me sick to my stomach. Honestly I am more upset about what is happening in the world now than I was witnessing 9/11. Granted I've still got some hidden post-traumatic stress lurking in my psyche from that day, but I'm working through it.

I am a white, blonde haired, blue eyed, upper middle class Christian. At least I was raised Christian. Today I believe in a higher power, one with no sect, that lives in each of us. Mine is Shian. Yours is something else.

In my idealistic world, everyone would be equal. You can celebrate any God you want, marry who you want, be who you want. There would be universal healthcare, free education, and environmental respect. We would nurture each other because we are all one. Hold on...I'm going to smoke a bowl and hug a tree real quick.

What troubles me about this is, my ideal world is MY ideal world. Every single person has their own ideal world. Who is right?

Using abortion as an example, I am strongly pro-choice. I don't understand how a woman could NOT be pro-choice. That being said, I am anti-abortion for myself. Luckily I've never gotten pregnant, so I never had to choose. I just know me and I would absolutely regret my decision, even if it was the best one for the baby. Now an anti-abortionist would have their own strong views on the subject. We could debate it for the rest of our lives, but neither of us will budge. I feel I'm right because it's a woman's own personal choice that has nothing to do with me, so why should I stop her from doing it? The anti-abortionist feels she's right because the fetus doesn't have a voice of its own and she feels the need to speak for the unborn child.

This brings me back to my problem. I want to make a difference on a larger scale, but basically what I'm saying is I want to change other people's perspectives and opinions to be inline with my own. Wouldn't that mean forming an Anti-Anti-Muslim group? If I boycott Lowes for not sharing my beliefs, aren't I just as bad as they are? I don't think the government should stop a woman from having an abortion or gays to marry, but just because I think this, should both be legal? I can hear people say, yes because it's the right thing to do, but who is defining right??

Sigh. I'm losing my train of thought now. I'm struggling with the world today. While I'm confused and feeling things are a bit hopeless, it is nice to finally care.

Introducing...

2011-12-12T12:04:00.003-05:00

Bernice, my first real Christmas tree!

Why Bernice? I don't know, the name just popped into my head as I was cutting the netting off. It totally fits because now that her branches are dropping she has a nice big booty.

I CAN'T WAIT TO DECORATE HER!

Astoria Part 2

2011-12-08T12:04:00.004-05:00

I decided to send my Astoria post to a local neighborhood website and post it on Facebook. I received such lovely feedback! Writing means everything to me; to have people appreciate it (Thighs followers included!) is a wonderful feeling.

In the week since I wrote the post there has been a murder, an attempted murder (same shooter and family), a rape, and two armed robberies. Who knows how many unreported crimes have happened as well.

I love New York. I really do. I feel safer in Manhattan than I do any other city. I'm not so sure about Astoria now. Times are different. Occupy Wall Street has opened my eyes to the social inequalities that have always been there, but I was too young and/or blind to see them. I am part of the 99%, yet my salary actually makes me part of the 25%. I am single, no dependents, renting, carless, and although I pay a shitload of money to my COBRA health insurance and my ridiculous credit card debt, I still have plenty of disposable income. I understand the 1% makes at least five times the salary I do, but can I honestly look at someone on welfare and say, "We're both the 99%?" Of course not. And I know that isn't the point of the OWS movement.

The thing is imagine you live in the Astoria projects. All of a sudden you see these yuppies moving in close to your turf without a care in the world. Sure I was making shit money when I worked in Publishing early on, but I wasn't poor. I chose to become poor by living beyond my means and without a roommate, hence the debt. I did it to myself.

How would you feel if you're struggling to pay your bills and feed your kids while your new upper middle class neighbors are dressing up as zombies and doing a pub crawl? How would you feel if you're a teen watching your parents (or parent) struggle? How would you feel if you're working two jobs to make ends meet and see hundreds of iPod listening, cellphone talking, Kindle reading people on the subway?

Believe me, I am not condoning crime nor am I saying we should feel guilty over our successes. NOT AT ALL. All I am saying is I can see why people are tempted to strike the neighborhood now. There's always been a lot of money in Astoria, but (from what I know) this is the first time it's spreading across into areas without it.

I'm not sure what to do about any of this, except write and give out my two cent safety tips. Here's another one:

Ladies, if I'm walking alone at night, sometimes I'll put my wallet in my back pocket, my keys in my front pocket, and my phone in my jacket (if I'm wearing one) even if I'm carrying a purse. My thought is, if someone mugs me, chances are they'll only want my bag. I know a lot of you carry thick wallets, so at the very least put your license in a pocket. This way if they take your bag, they won't know where you live. If they take your bag with your ID and keys, then smarter criminals will break into your apartment.

I realize some of my posts of late can read crazy. THE END IS NIGH!! I don't think that at all. In fact, I believe 2012 will be a great year of transformation and new beginnings. I want to make sure everyone I care about will enjoy it. Neighbors included.

Mom?

2011-12-07T10:15:00.003-05:00

A couple of my friends know this woman on Facebook.

Add a "t", swap out a couple of "a"s for "o"s and it becomes my mom's name.

Cracks me up every time I see it!

Weirdo.

2011-12-06T17:40:00.004-05:00

In cleaning out my books on Sunday I found a Lisa Frank tin with the following inside:

1. The tail and snake to a Todd McFarlane's Toys Spawn Series Medusa plastic figure

2. Wonder Woman Pez dispenser

3. A She-Ra watch

4. A ballerina slipper pin my grandmother gave me probably around thirty years ago

5. One of Barbie Alice in Wonderland's shoes

6. A prism ball I took off of a chandelier at the Regent Diner in Howell, NJ when I was seventeen. It was one of my favorite things to play with while tripping.

If you ever wondered if I was a weirdo, now you know.

Glutened!

2011-12-06T15:34:00.007-05:00

Life is really good. I've never felt this blessed, fortunate, or alive. It's been an amazing year of ups and downs, tears and laughs, happiness and well, happiness. I almost wrote sadness, but I don't feel sad anymore.

I'll save the details for my 2011 in review post. Today I'm having a physical down. The nice thing is I don't feel mentally, spiritually, or emotionally down at the same time. It's not the superfecta of pain I experienced earlier this year.

My diet is basically back to what it used to be, sans gluten. Hold the wheat, barley, and rye, please! I'm still not drinking beer, eating bread, pasta, pizza, or many processed foods. All is not lost, though. There are plenty of tacos, nachos (hold the chili), burgers (hold the bun), fries, etc. to hold me over. My sensitivity to gluten hasn't stopped me from eating out or having a few drinks. In fact, going without glutenous foods has been amazingly easy and educational. I've learned that clean eating is clean living. I also learned Dr. Atkins was right; you want to keep weight off, limit your carbs! I'm still only 160 pounds even after bringing my calories up to about 2,000 a day.

On Saturday I went to my friend Brauny's housewarming party. I always eat a big meal beforehand or bring snacks to people's apartments just in case I can't eat what they are serving. Luckily I have very thoughtful friends who go out of their way to pick up gluten free things, ie chips, hummus, veggies. You know who you are - THANK YOU!

I pretty much stuck to what I could drink and eat without a problem. And boy did I drink. I must have had at least six or seven VOKA drinks (I apparently say "vodka" without the "d") and had sips of eggnog and delicious whiskey. In my drunken stupor I decided the cannolis were too good to pass up. RUH-ROH, SHAGGY.

Sorry folks, the only way I can describe how I ate the cannoli is to say I sucked and fingered it to ensure I was only eating the cream and not the cookie part. FA! Unfortunately, I ended up eating some big crumbs anyways. Dumb 2am decision.

The next morning I was pretty hungover, naturally. I haven't drank that much in a while. I was able to power through and get a lot of shit done. I went food shopping at my usual three stores - Associated for boxed things, Organics for All for gluten free cereal (so good!), and Y & Y Green Market for produce. I went through all of my books and have near a hundred to donate to the library. I decorated my apartment for Christmas, finally putting white lights and snow around my living room like I've always wanted. All of this while watching the Jets and Giants games. It was a FANTASTIC Sunday.

Then I ate sushi. Sushi hasn't been a problem for me to date. It's gluten free as long as you steer clear of fried ingredients and not use too much soy sauce. Some brands have gluten in the caramel coloring. I don't know why.

Two hours later I was in horrible pain and extremely nauseous. I took a good dump, then doubled over in the fetal position and cried. Crying always makes me feel better. Fortunately my parents were already on their way up. They were in Staten Island all day and wanted to go to the Bronx for cheesecake on Monday, so they asked to crash last minute. They were still about thirty minutes away when I was glutened, so I called MDLL.

MDLL was watching football all day and was still at the bar when I called. I told him what was happening and said he didn't have to come over, that I just wanted someone to talk to until my parents got there. In true knight in shining armor fashion he sternly said, "Thighs. Stop it. I'll be there in ten minutes." hopped into a cab and came over. He walked in, pulled me into his lap, and rocked me while I sobbed. It was the sweetest thing.

When my parents arrived, it was a disgusting lovefest. I was so happy to have everyone there. I felt very loved and cared for, that is until the three of them starting making fun of me, then ate sandwiches and brownies while I'm lying on the floor. Ah, family! We aim to tease.

Yesterday I felt okay. I was still hunching over, but I felt well enough to get to work and therapy. I ate very plainly to help my tummy heal. Today didn't go so well, though. I woke up feeling fine, then didn't have much energy. I shuffled my way to the subway, stood on the train, and then the shit hit the fan again. It was the same thing that happened back in January when I went to the ER. Sweat was pouring out of me. No joke - my hair was soaked, my clothes were damp, I could feel the sweat down my legs and in my socks. I wiped my brow and had a puddle in my hand. I got super dizzy and almost yelled timber when a seat freed up. I sat down to stop from passing out.

I zombie walked out of 5th Avenue station, hailed a cab and went right to my doctor's office. Ironically I was there last week for a check-up. We were both ecstatic over how well I feel now. I cannot recommend Dr. Amy Bleyer from Murray Hill Medical enough. Bacon, thank you so much for sending me to her!!

Dr. Bleyer saw me right away. She thinks it was the sushi rather than the cannoli because of the timeline. Or it could be a combination of the cannoli, the soy sauce and whatever is in the tuna roll hit the max amount of gluten my body can handle. She gave me a prescription for Prilosec to lower the acidity in my stomach, a muscle relaxer to help ease the pain in my core, said I shouldn't have gone to work yesterday, and need to rest. I love that Dr. Bleyer takes me and my non-diagnosed celiac seriously. I obviously have SOMETHING wrong with me and not eating gluten makes me feel better. Dr. Bleyer supports and encourages me to listen to my gut, literally.

I might lose some of you with this part...in therapy I asked Cee if we could sit with my pain and understand it. Have I mentioned focusing? It's a wonderful way to become in tune with yourself and others. I'll write more about it another day. Last night I focused on my pain and two words immediately came to me: "empty existence."

After some thought, I've come to believe my gluten intolerance is a blessing. Prior to this year, my body, soul, and mind was malnourished. I fed myself empty calories, made empty decisions, and had empty thoughts. It makes me wonder if digestive problems are only related to food. Is it possible the body reacts to other things we are unable to digest, like life struggles and negativity? A lot of people eat and drink their feelings. Wouldn't it make sense that eventually our bodies find a way to do what we aren't capable to do mentally and emotionally, ie stop drinking, smoking, or overeating?

I need to sit with the "existence" part of the phrase. Maybe if I am malnourished, I exist, but not to my fullest potential...

See? How can I be upset with being glutened when it gives me food for thought?

Astoria

2011-11-30T11:00:00.002-05:00

February is my 8th anniversary of living in Astoria. When I decided to finally get my own place in 2003, I was hoping to stay in Brooklyn. At the time I was living between my grandmother's old apartment in Bay Ridge (she passed away a couple of years earlier) and my parents' house in Jackson. I LOVE Bay Ridge, but it was too far from the city for me. I targeted areas a little closer like Carroll Gardens, Park Slope, and Prospect Heights, but the rents were already jacked up after 9/11 and I couldn't afford it.

My friend Gerf was born and raised in Astoria and suggested I check out the neighborhood. My immediate thought was, "Ugh, I fucking hate Queens!" Besides my post-college beer garden shenanigans, I had only been to Queens a few times on my own, once to go to an outlaw (illegal outdoor rave) under a highway overpass (a story for another time), another after a rave in Manhattan led to an acid party at some guy's apartment, and I'm pretty sure once to buy coke, but I didn't get out of the car. Not only did all of my Queens interactions share recreational drug use, but they also shared getting lost. "How can 76th Street be next to 49th Street!?!?!" "Why the fuck is there a 63rd Rd/Ave/Dr right next to each other!?!?! Did Queens run out of numbers!??!"

Out of desperation, I checked out Astoria in January 2004. I found a broker named Eugene who was SUPER nice. He showed me one small apartment that I'm pretty sure was near the post office on 43rd and Broadway. You know how it is in foreign neighborhoods; I had no idea where I was at all. He then showed me another apartment at the top floor of a three family house on 37th Street and Broadway. I said no way, I'm a loud drunk that would wake up the entire building. He laughed and said thanks for being honest because it was HIS building and lived on the first floor.

Last came Delilah Foray (4A). I fell in love with her immediately. A nice one bedroom on a quiet street between the R/V/G and N/W trains, three to four stops from Manhattan. Prime location, good price. Top floor of a sixteen family stand-alone building. Roof access. I moved in a month later.

I didn't really hang out in the neighborhood too often since all of my friends lived in Manhattan, but I did enjoy walking around. Astoria is known for a big Greek population, but that's more on the Ditmars side. On my side of town there are tons of different cultures and ethnicities: Polish, Croatian, Middle Eastern, Hispanic, Italian, Russian, Irish, Asian the list goes on. I remember feeling I was one of the few natural blondes, if not the only one. I don't mean this in a bad way; it was nice to be in a melting pot.

A year later I started working at Company. A lot of my coworkers lived in Astoria too, so it was the first time I really had a social life near home. I guess it was around then that I noticed I had neighbors who were my peers. I enjoyed living among a small group of twenty-something newbies and long time Astorians from around the world.

Fast forward to now. The secret of Astoria is out! Yayboo! Booyay! I'll admit it - I'm torn about the yuppie influx. I'm sure that's how people felt when I moved in. It's all relative.

The Yay!: I barely ever go into Manhattan on the weekends now that most of my friends live in the 'hood. A ton of cool new bars and tasty restaurants are opening up. The subways and streets are always crowded, making the area safer late at night.

That last bit being said, the Boo!: Unfortunately the bad part about being the hot place to live means crime is on the rise.

I heard from a few people that Astoria used to be a pretty shitty neighborhood. Gang violence was common as recent as the 90s. There are projects in Western Astoria; my friend Jules and I made the mistake of walking over there once thinking it was the way to the park. It was not. I don't want class and race to cloud my judgment, then again I don't want to be naive and unsafe.

While I grew up in buttfuck Jackson, NJ my parents and family were raised in Brooklyn. We came to the city at least six times a year, so my parents made sure we had some basic street smarts. I get the feeling the new Astorians do not have any. Do not be fooled, people. This is still NYC. I don't know everything and hell, I have just as much of a chance to be mugged or robbed, but here are some of my observations and opinions:

1. Don't live in a desolate area just because the rent is cheap. Thieves know there are a ton of iPeople in the area. They could break into any apartment and easily walk off with five or six electronics. The number of reported gropings has risen recently, too. It could happen anywhere, but staying in populated areas will hopefully decrease your chances of being attacked. I advise friends not to live too far west of 31st Street on the south side of Astoria Blvd or below 36th Avenue. It seems anywhere east and north of there is okay, although I don't suggest going too far past Steinway because there aren't any subways north of 46th Street. Living near mass transit is best because there will be more people.

2. Be nice to your neighbors. Common courtesy goes along way. I've seen plenty of the new Astorians push pass a woman struggling with a stroller up subway stairs or not hold doors for people. Be polite. Having a strong sense of community and togetherness keeps the neighborhood safe. You never know when you might need help. Pay it forward.

3. Girls, watch your purses. If you put it behind you on a bar chair, be sure there's a coat on top or your friends are surrounding you. If you are at a sidewalk cafe, don't put your purse on the street side of the table. Someone can easily grab it and run off.

4. This I can't believe...DON'T RUN AT NIGHT WITH HEADPHONES ON. Hell, try not to have headphones on at night at all or at least keep the volume down so you can hear if someone's behind you.

5. I've seen at least two or three people leaving an ATM actually counting their money for all to see. This is not Ohio. You are not getting into your car and driving away. Everyone knows if you've gone to an ATM you have cash on you. Don't be dumb.

6. Don't spit on the sidewalks. It's fucking gross. Also, don't litter!

Okay, I'm done. Ruth Clare Jenkins (my 81 year old alter ego) has taken over!

Truthfully I'm not sure what's happening to me lately. Earlier this year I learned what it's like to lose something. Now I find myself more aware, sentimental, kind, and invested. My home is a part of this. I love Astoria. There is definitely a change coming to the neighborhood and I want to do my part to ensure it is for the betterment of everyone.

Trippy!

2011-11-25T13:11:00.002-05:00

I don't have celiac disease, but how strange is this?

Can't keep up?

2011-11-22T13:53:00.003-05:00

As you probably gathered from my last post, MDLL and I are back together. Sort of. Don't worry; I can't keep up either.

The weekend after Halloween we had an amazing talk. He is moving forward with the divorce and it should be processed by the end of the year. He shared some very intimate and loving things, too. (I'm keeping them to myself. Nyah, nyah!) Last week we had a very good email discussion about things as well. We're moving in the right direction.

I'm sure I've quoted Albert Einstein*'s definition of insanity numerous times on Thighs. I guess that's what insane people do. This quote hit home with me in regards to my relationship with MDLL.

"Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results."

The insanity cycle:

1. We have an amazing time for 4-6 weeks.
2. We ignore tough discussions because things are going so well.
3. Something happens where one of us (me) can't ignore our issues anymore.
4. We talk, hit a wall, and break up because I don't know what else to do.
5. A week or two goes by, we miss each other, talk, and get back together.
6. Rinse and repeat.

One could say if we stayed broken up, the cycle would be over. While true, it's unrealistic. We're in love. We'll always go back.

The real problem is Step 2. We are INSANE to keep ignoring our issues and expecting they will resolve themselves on their own. If we want to be together, we need to work on our relationship together. He's willing, I'm willing, so let's do this.

*Some sites say this is really a Ben Franklin quote. The internet has too much garbage. Gah!

Blasts from the Past AGAIN

2011-11-21T23:13:00.005-05:00

Three ex-umm...what do I call them? They definitely aren't ex-boyfriends as I only dated them for at most six weeks.

Three ex-MEN have not only come back into my life, but now live within walking distance. You're going to need the Thighs Guyde for this.

The Gentleman moved around the corner four months ago. Literally around the corner. I can probably look into his bedroom window if I wanted. We see each other in the street at least once a month. I still find him attractive and boring. Such a shame.

Mr. J moved from Brooklyn to about ten blocks away on my street. I was walking down the subway stairs when I looked across to the other staircase and there he was, walking toward me. If this was a romantic comedy, the music would have started and we would have rushed into each other's arms. That's how ridiculous the timing was. It always is with Mr. J and I, though. I'm actually not surprised when I randomly see him once a year. We said the obligatory (?) "Let's get a drink." and went on our way. That was three months ago. In usual Mr. J fashion, I haven't heard from him. I'm okay with this.

On Saturday I went to yoga, had brunch with Brauny, and hung out with MDLL at Crazy Ass. MD was headed to a party around 9pm, but I was beat and decided to go home. Wouldn't you know it, I ran into another ex-man...Krull. For those who don't remember, Krull is a really hot ginger bartender (or was a bartender) I met at a friend's wedding about four years ago. I really liked him a lot, but it didn't work out. I don't think he was interested in dating me long term and looking back I wasn't in any condition for a real relationship either. I was still a batshit Jedi-slut then.

I felt like we had a nice connection. I always knew we'd meet up again, like there was some unfinished business between us. I think it's about inspiration. We both love to write; maybe we end up encouraging each other to do so. He's also a free spirit in the way I'd like to be. While I consider myself a free spirit in some ways, I am definitely grounded in the physical world. I've lived in the same apartment for eight years. I bounce around from company to company, but I'm still 9-5 corporate. From what I know of Krull, he's a world travel and an experience junkie. If there's something new or cool to do, he's game. At least that's the impression I get. I hope I'm the same once I pay off my credit card debt.

We stopped and talked for a few minutes. He was with a girl. I'm not sure if they are dating. He now lives five blocks away from me. We traded numbers and talked about getting a drink, but unlike Mr. J who, at this point the idea of annoys me, I'd really like to reconnect with Krull.

I choose to believe people from my past show up for two reasons: to teach me something and to validate I am in the right place at the right time. Yes it's possible to read the above and say, "Well duh, of course this would happen considering Astoria is the hot new neighborhood and you have at least 100 ex-men to run in to." Bygones.

Each time I talked to one of these guys, I thought one thing...

I love MDLL.

Thanks Universe for making this clear!

Holiday Cheer!

2011-11-18T16:17:00.004-05:00

Am I boring you with my positivity yet? This blog is more interesting when I want to kill myself, isn't it?

YAAAYYY! I am SOOOO excited for Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year's, everything this season. Maybe it's the love in the air. Maybe it's because I had such a shitty first half of 2011. Maybe it's because I wasn't into the holidays AT ALL last year, so I'm making up for it now.

WHO CARES!!

I'm going to make my living room a winter wonderland. I might even buy a real tree! I am geeking out over the amount of arts and crafts I want to do over the next three weeks.

***Attention Bear Family: If you are reading this, invite me over because I want to see Ev and meet Silas!! Gah!***

Rippie bought me samurai sword lessons a few months ago. I FINALLY feel well enough to take them! Tuesday was my first one. It was pretty cool! I wanted it to be a bit more authentic, though. Something like this:

Rather than this:

It wasn't outside and no one was in a suit, but you get the picture.

I have two more sessions left, then I get MY OWN SWORD! Woooooo!!

Tonight I'm heading to Jersey City to hang at Stacie's new pad, tomorrow is YOGA, and Sunday is a lovely brunch with the Company gals. Maybe I'll start my arts and crafts this weekend. I am very much excited. Hooray!

Giving thanks...

2011-11-17T15:12:00.005-05:00

I'm creating the habit of giving thanks for a few things every day, whatever happens to strike me mid-afternoon. This week so far:

11/15/11 - My health, my happiness, my job, Rem, samurai swords

11/16/11 - Cee, MDLL, gchatting with Juniper and Bacon, Kate Bolick's article, bananas, my autonomy at work

11/17/11 - Color Buddies!, my post-conversion downtime, my daily morning phone call to my mom, hand lotion, tacos, my daily lunchtime walk with Rem

Obviously I am feeling VERY grateful for my friends and job. Yay to both!

You were right, Juniper. That gratitude crap IS something I love!!

Everyday I'm Shuffling...

2011-11-16T13:49:00.001-05:00

I can't get enough of this video!

Lows

2011-11-14T16:42:00.002-05:00

I'm still on such a high after my awesome weekend. I feel so good!

There is one problem. I can't shake the anticipation of a low coming. Isn't that sad? There's this nagging fear in the back of my mind holding me back from fully enjoying and extending my happiness.

If I let go and allowed myself to be happy, what would happen? What am I afraid of?

Will people think I have a superiority complex? I'm bragging? I'm disconnected from the tragedy and suffering in the world? Does it matter what others think?

If I anticipate a low or something bad coming, am I inviting it? If I don't anticipate it and one comes, will it hurt more because I wasn't prepared?

Does anticipating anything really make me feel prepared or is it calming my fears of being unprepared? Same difference?

If I lost my job, my home, or possessions, I could handle it because I have a great support system. If I found myself without support and had to live on the streets, I think I could manage. Absolute worst case scenario, prostitution. I hear I give good head.

If I died, I'm dead so it doesn't really matter. If someone close to me died I would be devastated, yet comforted by my choice to believe they would be sent to a better place and their spirit is with me when I need them. (High five, Grandma!)

Broken hearts, broken friendships, crappy jobs, depression, a prolonged sickness.....been there, done that and survived.

So what is it?

Ohhhhh....

I think I got it. See, this is why I love writing. I find my truths.

It's me. I'M the one with the problem. I don't think I deserve to be this happy or blessed.

Why? Why don't I feel worthy?

I did something as a kid I regret. I didn't know better, it happened to me, and I can't take it back so why can't I forgive myself?

I was really mean to this guy Allen in high school. He Facebook friended me and writes on my wall, so it sure seems like he's over it. Why aren't I?

I don't give to charity or volunteer anymore. I can easily start now, so why not do it?

I feel guilty. I feel guilty for everyone else who is not as lucky as I am. I was lucky to have parents who sent me to college and are extremely supportive. Where does the line between luck and hard work get drawn? Wasn't it me who graduated, got and kept a job, paid the bills, made friends, and created my life? Do I feel guilty because it all came easy? Is that a bad thing? Am I an asshole?

My relationship with my mother is a ZILLION times better than it was when I was younger. I don't blame her for what happened, but I know my self-esteem still suffers because of the shit she pulled. My level of self-worthiness is reflective of hers. I have to remind myself I am not her.

I don't believe in one god. I named my God Shian ("I" in "Shan") because I believe there is a Larger (being/deity/spirit/whatever) in all of us. (Shizza has changed into an angel with a raging three foot blurple boner.) Shian takes on many forms, lately the Laughing Buddha because that guy cracks me up. I no longer consider myself Episcopalian or Catholic because I do not agree with organized religions' doctrines. A person of true faith would accept how another lives without judgment. Devout followers seem to forget this and in my opinion, seem to embarrass themselves and their religions on a daily basis.

The reason I'm bringing religion up is because there may be some of that Catholic guilt mixed into why I can't accept happiness. Ever notice how many Catholic churches have Jesus crucified above the altar? It's there TO REMIND YOU HE DIED FOR YOU! Isn't that awful?? No wonder we feel guilty! Why wouldn't they have a nice statue of him rising from the grave? You know, something uplifting? At some point, Christian religion became a sign of not only hate-mongering, but also suffer-mongering as well. You can't live the good life because then you're not serving God. I decided this is bullshit. Shian tells me life is love. I like this idea so much better.

Phew! There. I'm pretty sure I covered every reason as to why I am afraid to be happy. I'm checking to see if I still need to anticipate a low....

Soul scan. Check. Mind scan. Check. Heart scan. Check. Face scan. Smiling, so check.

Okay. I think I'm ready to be truly happy now. Yay!

Grace

2011-11-13T17:45:00.005-05:00

I am so grateful today. It's an unbelievably powerful feeling.

The past few days were filled with good health and good friends. I feel so blessed, lucky, and fortunate.

This weekend I went to yoga, shopping, Times Square for Super Marioland, ate tacos on 10th Avenue then walked back to 6th, visited Furball and his family in the Bronx, had late night drinks at Crazy Ass, visited with Jacks and her family, walked through Central Park from 89th Street down to 57th to the subway, and am now sitting in the home I love, watching the Giants, sharing my thoughts with the blogosphere.

Only five months ago I was barely able to get out of bed.

I am soul-crying. I've needed it. It's a shame I had to go through such a physically, emotionally, and mentally trying time to get here, to appreciate my life.

I'm glad I finally made it.

Coldergies

2011-11-07T10:42:00.003-05:00

I haven't been feeling well for over a week now. My throat was killing me, I lost my voice, my sinuses are throbbing, and I was up coughing through the night for a few days. I can't tell if it's a cold or allergies. Maybe it's both. Every year I get sick around Halloween and Christmas, so this is nothing new. I am nervous this is the start of being sick for another eight months, though.

I'm trying not to stress myself over it because then I'll feel worse. The only thing I can do is clear my schedule, take it easy, and rest. I'm at work today because I have therapy in the city tonight, so I figured I might as well come in. I'm tired, my face is scrunchy, my eyes are heavy, and my nose feels like it is made of cement. Hopefully the Advil and Allegra will kick in and help!

I am healthy I am healthy I am healthy I am healthy I am healthy I am healthy I am healthy I am healthy I am healthy I am healthy I am healthy I am healthy I am healthy I am healthy I am healthy I am healthy I am healthy I am healthy I am healthy I am healthy I am healthy I am healthy I am healthy I am healthy I am healthy

Color Buddies tumblr!

2011-11-04T14:54:00.002-04:00

I decided to create a new site from my Fun with Colors post. Check it out!

The tumblr isn't related to Thighs at all, mainly because this blog is still relatively private (read: MDLL doesn't know the link and my parents aren't allowed to read it).

I'm excited. Yay!

Song in my head.

2011-11-03T16:02:00.002-04:00

I read once that whenever you have a random song stuck in your head, your subconscious picked it because the lyrics reflect your thoughts.

I can't for the life of me remember what song was in my head yesterday when I was upset about MDLL. Today, when I am hopeful:

Celine Dion "That's The Way It Is"

I can read your mind and I know your story
I see what you're going through
It's an uphill climb, and I'm feeling sorry
But I know it will come to you

Don't surrender 'cause you can win
In this thing called love

When you want it the most there's no easy way out
When you're ready to go and your heart's left in doubt
Don't give up on your faith
Love comes to those who believe it
And that's the way it is

When you question me for a simple answer
I don't know what to say, no
But it's plain to see, if you stick together
You're gonna find a way, yeah

So don't surrender 'cause you can win
In this thing called love

When you want it the most there's no easy way out
When you're ready to go and your heart's left in doubt
Don't give up on your faith
Love comes to those who believe it
And that's the way it is

When life is empty with no tomorrow
And loneliness starts to call
Baby, don't worry, forget your sorrow
'Cause love's gonna conquer it all, all

When you want it the most there's no easy way out
When you're ready to go and your heart's left in doubt
Don't give up on your faith
Love comes to those who believe it
And that's the way it is

When you want it the most there's no easy way out
When you're ready to go and your heart's left in doubt
Don't give up on your faith
Love comes to those who believe it
And that's the way it is

That's the way it is
That's the way it is, babe
Don't give up on your faith
Love comes to those who believe it
And that's the way it is.

11111

2011-11-01T11:51:00.002-04:00

I find myself on Facebook, Twitter, and random sites a lot lately. I've never been a big websurfer (do people still say that word?), but I find myself waiting for comments and retweets like they are phone calls from a guy I like. I guess I'm feeling a bit disconnected and lonely now that MDLL is out of the picture. We texted everyday almost all day, so it makes sense I need to fill the void.

I'm also very me-focused. I want to talk talk talk and be heard heard heard. The usual. I don't think I've ever been this self-aware of my need to do/be both, though.

It's like my comment on Jezebel yesterday. I'm pretty surprised I wrote it because I hate comments, especially the ones that say, "I haven't read/seen/tried the book/movie or tv show/product you are discussing, but let me give you my two cents anyways." Really? You have nothing to contribute, yet you still feel the need to say something? I wonder if I hate those commenters because they remind me of myself in a small way. I don't think I'm THAT bad, but I do have a blog all about me me me, so maybe I am.

It's like hipsters. Everyone hates them, but why? My opinion is because they remind us of ourselves. Hipsters seem to think they are special and SO COOL for being different, liking or wearing things that aren't the "norm", yet seem to ignore the fact that their hive-mind elitism is just as bad as every other social group's. Let's face it, we all surround ourselves with people we can relate to and who validate our lifestyle. There's nothing special about this.

Today marks the birth of the 7 billionth person on earth. Think about this...kids today probably think a half of the population is on Facebook. Latest statistics show there are 800 MILLION users. That is amazing, but there sure are a shitload of people not on there. If someone is on Facebook, that means they are wealthy enough to either own a computer or a smartphone, educated enough to know how to use both, and also feel the need to be connected to something. While all FB users aren't EXACTLY the same, we do have these basics in common.

I don't know where I am going with any of this. I'm on my high horse standing on a soapbox.

Maybe I'll unplug this weekend. I have to still use my cell because it's the only phone I have, but I won't go on the internet. If I'm already feeling disconnected, maybe I should sit with the it and stop forcing a virtual one.

Happy Halloween!

2011-10-31T20:38:00.003-04:00

I can't stop writing...

Happy Halloween, bitches! Check out Goth Thighs. No one recognized me!

I was SUPER excited for Halloween this year because in 2010 I was sick, 2009 I was with Tat and the night was pretty lame, 2008 I can't even remember...

My plan was to go to my friend Eronica's house for a costume/birthday party in Long Island, but the trains were fucked. I decided to stay home until it was time to meet the gang at Crazy Ass instead. I was indifferent about seeing MDLL. I just wanted to go to my Cheers.

I ended up having a great time. We hung out as friends like nothing happened for the most part. The costumes helped. It didn't seem like I was talking to my bald ex-boyfriend/first adult love when he's wearing a wig of six inch high guido hair. I certainly didn't look like my normal Baby Spice self, either.

At the end of the night, MDLL said he missed me, we hugged then kissed good-bye. The kiss wasn't right. He felt like a stranger.

I'm at the point in the break-up cycle where I'm seeing things clearly for the first time. I gave 100% of myself to him. I don't think MDLL can say the same. Sure we had some great moments and a strong bond, but the relationship was one-sided. As I've written before, there's a difference between effortless and not making an effort. MDLL never made an effort. It was easy because I made it so.

Everyday I feel a bit lighter. I realized last night how much this relationship was weighing me down. I thought about MDLL constantly. I've been waiting for him to break out of his funk, take control of his life, and make himself happy. It finally occurred to me that it's quite possible there is no funk. This is him.

MDLL isn't getting divorced any time soon. He wasn't going to settle down and marry me, either.

It's funny. I'm the one who broke it off yet I feel rejected. If I'm really being honest with myself, I believe MDLL does love me as a friend. There were two problems though. One, our sexual chemistry is awesome. Two, I loved him and wanted more. My guess is he tried to convince himself he wanted/was ready for a serious relationship with me in order to stay close friends.

Or not. Who knows? Part of the heaviness was trying to figure out what he was thinking when, again, it's completely possible he wasn't thinking anything. His thoughts are no longer my concern. It's freeing.

I'm glad I went Saturday night. It validated my decision to let MDLL go. Don't get me wrong, though. I'm really saddened by this and hoped we could have worked things out. Christ, I wanted little MDs and Thighs running around! Gah!

He was a good man and a good friend, just not the boyfriend I want anymore. If someone I loved was going above and beyond for me, you bet your ass I'd reciprocate.

SOOO CLOSE!

Apparently I'm opinionated today.

2011-10-31T17:52:00.002-04:00

Did anyone watch Family Guy last night? It was an episode about domestic violence. Quagmire's sister's boyfriend repeatedly beat her and she wouldn't leave him.

The episode was upsetting, but good. I felt they addressed the subject in the usual Family Guy way with off-color jokes and a lot of cartoon blood, yet kept me focused on how heinously disgusting a person is for abusing another.

I read Jezebel.com every once in a while, usually if someone forwards me a funny article. Today I decided to goof off, so I checked out the site on my own.

This article immediately caught my attention: Family Guy Hits Horrible New Low With Domestic Abuse Episode. Given the headline, I think you know what the writer thought about the show.

I completely disagreed with her and wrote my FIRST EVER COMMENT on a random op piece. I spoil the ending, so if you plan to watch it, do so before reading the below and the Jezebel article. Make your own judgment first!

I love Family Guy. For the first few minutes I was shocked by this episode, then admired McFarlane's and the writers' balls for taking on the subject matter.

I'm not sure why you didn't mention the ending. Quagmire, Joe, and Peter were so angry with Jeff that they took him to the woods to kill him. Jeff knocked out Joe and Peter, then beat and choked Quagmire. Quagmire recovered and ran Jeff over with his car.

While I obviously do not condone murder, it was clear to me the message is if a victim of abuse can't or won't help themselves, do everything you can to help them.

I agree with you they should have flashed a hotline number. I do not agree that this was a scary Halloween episode. What IS scary is that shows with Family Guy's fanbase do not use their popularity to encourage their viewers to think about serious issues such as this. Needless to say, it is even scarier that domestic abuse happens in the first place.

Thighs Review - Something Borrowed

2011-10-31T12:55:00.004-04:00

I rarely write reviews of books, movies and/or TV shows, because a) I never read, b) I usually don't have much to say other than "It was okay/awesome/awful." and c) I can't be bothered.

Last night I watched Something Borrowed with Ginnifer Goodwin, Kate Hudson, and some guy who looks like young Tom Cruise's cousin. The premise is Ginnifer (I hate the spelling of her name although I'd like to be able to sign things "Gin") and Cousin Tom fell in love in law school, but never told each other how they felt. Enter Kate, Gin's best friend, who aggressively hits on C.T. after Gin pretends she doesn't want him. Fast forward six years later, Kate and C.T. are engaged. Gin and C.T. hook up one night, end up professing their love, and sneak around behind Kate's back for the entire movie. In the last ten minutes we find out Kate cheated on C.T. and is pregnant with the other guy's baby. Kate then catches C.T. with Gin, the girls have a huge fight and their friendship is over. Gin and C.T. live happily ever after.

Sorry for not giving a spoiler warning. At least you don't need to watch it now.

This movie pissed me off. It pissed me off enough to write about it.

I guess I'm sensitive about relationships right now. I was ready to settle down with MDLL and now we're broken up. An old friend's marriage fell apart. I was with my family for five days in California, which is the longest amount of time we've spent together in 14 years. Relationships are all I think about lately.

Love can hurt. I get it. People fall in and out of love every day. This doesn't piss me off. It's what people DO when they fall in and out of love that upsets me.

Gin repeatedly lies to Kate to cover up her relationship with C.T. She then tells C.T. to call off the wedding, knowing it will hurt her best friend. Conveniently Kate is a bit of a selfish asshole; I'm sure the director was hoping we'd hate her by the end of the movie. I did, but I hated Gin more. She's so proud of herself for "letting go" and "taking a chance on love" with barely any remorse for being a sneaky bitch and rotten person. I should hate C.T. as well, yet for some reason I don't. He's a pathetic waste of space and there's no use for him. It's the shitty and dishonest friendship that bothers me most.

I hope to Shizza a guy never comes between my girlfriends and I. Luckily we have completely different taste in men. If that day should ever come, I solemnly swear I will never, ever, EVER pursue him. If I really was in love with the guy and couldn't change my feelings, I would tell my friend upfront. I'd rather take the high road and be honest then deceitful to or jealous of one of my besties.

I remember when the trailer came out. It seemed like a dumb fun romcom. Not even close. Something Borrowed is the worst title. It should have been called Something Assholes Do In the Name of "Love".

Can you tell I am irate?? GAH!

Oh and random...apparently the movie was also a commercial for Shake Shack and Heineken. Dumb.

On a scale of one to four thighs, this movie gets none.

Uh oh...

2011-10-28T14:27:00.002-04:00

looks like I got my appetite back. Yoga tomorrow!

Awww...I'm flattered.

2011-10-26T14:36:00.003-04:00

One of Juniper's friends likes me. He FB friended me, IMed me yesterday, and asked her if I was single.

I'm not interested. He's young and tiny. It's nice to know I'm attractive, though! Ego stroke!

Why We Fall Out of Love (And What to Do to Prevent It)

2011-10-26T13:40:00.001-04:00

I like this article:

Very often, we find that two people who come together out of love grow apart as the years go by. Why does this happen?

Let's say you planted a coconut tree and a mango tree in your garden when they were young saplings, and they were the same height. You thought they would get along pretty well, a great love affair! And if both of them remained stunted and never grew, they would remain compatible. But if both of them grow to their full potential, they will grow to different heights, shapes and possibilities.

If you are looking for sameness between two people, the relationship will always fall apart. After all, a man and a woman come together because they are different. So it is the differences that brought you together, and the differences may become starker and more manifest as one grows. Unless you learn to enjoy the differences as you grow, falling apart or growing apart will naturally happen. If you are expecting both people to grow in the same direction and in the same way, that is unfair to both people. It will curtail and suffocate both of their lives. Whether you fall apart in years, in months or in days simply depends on how fast you are growing.

This whole expectation that the person who partners with you should be just like you is a sure way to destroy a relationship. It is a sure way to destroy the garden. Allow, nurture and enjoy the differences between you and your partner. Otherwise, the situation will be maintained in such a way where one person is compulsively dependent upon the other, or both people are compulsively dependent upon each other.

We need to understand that relationships happen because of certain needs -- physical, emotional and psychological needs. Whatever the nature of the relationship, the fundamental aspect is you have a need to be fulfilled. We may claim many things for why we have formed a relationship, but if those needs and expectations are not fulfilled, relationships will go bad.

And as people grow and mature, these needs change. When these needs change, what looked like everything between two people will not feel the same after some time. But we do not have to base a relationship on these same needs forever and feel that the relationship is over. We can always make the relationship mature into something else.

Whatever the needs that brought people together need not be the fundamentals of a relationship forever. The very fundamentals of a relationship have to change as time passes, and as one ages and matures in many different ways. If that change is not made, growing apart or falling apart is definitely a certainty.

To be fair...

2011-10-26T11:52:00.001-04:00

I don't want MDLL to sound like an asshole. He's not one. I guess I'm more motivated to post when I'm trying to sort out my thoughts during rough times, instead of celebrating the good ones. I've never been one to brag (I don't think), so blogging about how much my life rocks never felt natural.

To be fair, here are all of the things I love about MDLL:

He's caring, sensitive, generous, funny, smart, pensive, kind, sexy (SUPER sexy), strong, neat (much neater than me), loving, and considerate.

We have the same sense of humor when it comes to TV shows, movies, and just joking around. We are always laughing. I am pleasantly surprised every time he makes me laugh. It's not because it's hard to make me giggle, it's more because his voice rarely changes its tone and inflection. He can say, "I went to the store this morning." the same way he says "A guy at work whipped his dick out in the conference room and it was hilarious." When I make him laugh, I feel so accomplished. He has a great one.

Looks-wise, gosh don't get me started. He's tall with a swimmer's build - broad shoulders, narrow waist, muscular legs, and manly hands. His eyes are a warm light brown, almost like maple syrup. His skin is so soft, my favorite spot being the area from his ear to his shoulder which I unromantically like to refer to as his "neckmeat". I can spend days kissing it and have to fight the urge to bite a chunk out vampire-style especially when watching True Blood. I love looking at him, standing next to him, and touching him.

Shit. Now I'm horny.

While I complain about not getting flowers or thoughtful gifts, MDLL pays for probably 75% of whatever we eat or drink. He always says, "Stop it. It's my pleasure." when I try to pay.

He mails his family birthday cards.

He wears a suit to work and hangs it neatly on a hanger in front of his closet the minute he gets home. My dad used to do this, too.

If we're out at a bar surrounded by a group of friends, I notice him staring at me even when I'm not the one talking. If we are close enough to touch each other, we always do. One time all he did was lay a finger on my forearm just to feel me. I melted.

Shit. Now I'm crying.

He always teases me. A few weeks ago he was making fun of how loud and obnoxious I am. He screamed (which was funny to begin with since he's always so quiet), "I AM THIGHS. I AM TALKING. EVERYONE LISTEN TO ME." I laughed one of those belly truth laughs because he was dead on.

When he met my parents, he stood whenever they stood and didn't sit down until they sat down. He is very polite. The fact they loved him and he loved them is HUGE.

He remembers everything I tell him, which is impressive since I'm such a chatterbox*. I'm surprised when he brings up stupid shit I told him months ago or when he remembers my friends' names and stories.

We really do communicate well once we start having a tough conversation. The problem is we avoid them until it's too late.

I love when he caresses my hair, pulls my ponytail, or touches my cheek. He gives great hugs.

He says I'm hot. I've been told I'm pretty or cute, but never hot. It feels nice.

He is still the best kisser of all time. Best sex, too.

If I was trapped on a desert island and could only bring one person to spend the rest of eternity with, it would be MDLL.

I want us to see the world together, experience everything life has to offer, enjoy ourselves, love each other freely, honestly, and openly. I don't feel like we can do those things right now. I'm not quite sure what that means...

I hope this post gives you a better idea as to why I love MDLL. He is a good man and I am very, very happy to have him in my life.

I worry I'm one of those talk show doormat women who wait around for years for their significant other to commit to them, knowing deep down it will never happen, the audience chanting, "Dump him. Dump him. Dump him." I don't know what's worse - being that woman or having others THINK I am that woman. Ego much?

As I wrote in my last post, I'm struggling with defining deal-breakers. Marital status, definitely. Gifts? I'm not asking for a Louis Vuitton bag. I'm asking for a Spider-Man key chain at the dollar store. Anything that shows he is thinking of me when I'm not around, "Oooo, Thighs would like this!". I also want more of a glimpse into his interests outside of our shared ones. If he bought tickets to a band or game he wanted to see, I would love to share the experience with him. He goes to a Steelers game with his brother around Christmas. I would die if he invited me.

Shit. Now I'm confused again.

*This has nothing to do with the above...chatterbox - noun: a vag that won't stop making noises. Manujagger!

The San Francisco Treat

2011-10-25T23:20:00.002-04:00

Drum roll please...

The trip was awesome! I had SUCH a great time with my family. I don't really feel like writing about the weekend in detail, so here's a rundown:

1. I ate seven tacos

2. We walked the Golden Gate Bridge twice

3. I really enjoyed Alcatraz. It was intense, scary, educational, and thought-provoking.

4. Mass transit in SF is great. The cable cars are a little pricey, but fun. Buy a Muni pass (it's like a Metrocard) to save moola. The BART (subway) is very convenient for traveling to the airport, downtown, and Oakland. It also sounds like a space cruiser!

5. The weather was gorgeous. 80s all weekend with no humidity.

6. I heard SF was an expensive city. It's pretty comparable to NY. The air and smell is not. SF is much nicer!

7. My dad LOVED seeing the Raiders at home, despite their embarrassing loss.

8. My mom was on her best behavior until Sunday night. She went nuts when my dad and brother weren't where they said they'd be. She would NOT let it go. I was really fucking angry about it, then I realized I wasn't letting go of the fact she wasn't letting go and calmed myself down. Sort of. It took a lot out of me to charm the rage snake to sleep.

9. Vesuvio is my new favorite bar.

10. Pictures!

I can't wait to go back to see the Giants and Athletics!

I'd rather write about MDLL. I missed him a lot this weekend. Over the summer I had planned on inviting him with us if everything was straightened out. Oh well.

I'm sort of over it now. Not over him of course, over our relationship. The first half was rough because he hid the truth about his marital status. The second half was rough because I needed to time to figure out how I felt about his marital status and he didn't make an effort to change it.

The past couple of days I've been trying to see our relationship for what it is without the drama. It's hard. I love him so much and I know he loves me, I just don't know what to do about it. One minute I have a very vivid image of us laying in bed smiling with our toddler son in between us. The next minute we're at the bar watching football as buddies, nothing more. We are such a great match in a lot of ways, but I'm beginning to wonder if the ways we don't match are deal-breakers. I procrastinate stupid shit, like redecorating my bedroom or finishing books. He procrastinates on everything. I would like to be romanced, given flowers and thoughtful gifts. He hasn't treated me to either, even after I told him I'd appreciate those things. We still really only hang out in the neighborhood, but I can't blame him entirely for that as I've been pretty lazy with the date planning. It would be nice if he came up with ideas, though.

I also finally admitted to myself I am really hurt by his inaction. I'd do anything for the kid. It's pretty apparent he wouldn't do anything for me.

But will he one day? It's hard for me to know if this is MDLL or this is his reaction to getting divorced. Is his armor up?

Whatever the case, it's obvious the relationship we've had for the past year is over. If we were besties who liked to fuck, fine. It was awesome, but I want more. If it IS more than that we'll try again with, as he said, a clean slate for 2012.

I may take this back tomorrow, but right now, at this moment, I am glad we are broken up. We both have some thinking to do.

Six days!

2011-10-19T10:20:00.005-04:00

MDLL and I texted every day last week, so it wasn't much of a break. I ended up stopping by the bar to see him Saturday night. It was a dumb decision considering it was 2am and we both had been drinking for a few hours. We had our first spat. Not quite an argument or fight, just a spat.

The next day I was angry. I'm still angry. I hate this. I hate being in this situation. I hate feeling this way. I hate him. Okay, that's a lie although we broke up for good Sunday night. We hit a wall. There's nothing left to do until his divorce is final.

I didn't hear from him again until last night. He called and apologized for everything. He said he's going to get divorced as soon as possible. He loves me and wants us to be together. It felt good to hear his voice and hear him take responsibility for it all, but truthfully I'm not holding my breath. There's no reason for me to believe he's going to see this through in a timely manner. If he does, I don't know how we'll bounce back from this considering my trust in him is wavering.

A couple of years ago I had a falling out with a good friend. I made my peace with it a while ago. She, well, not so much. While it's uncomfortable knowing someone in the world hates me, the hardest part is the resulting split of our group of friends. The ones I'm still friends with are neutral, the rest took her side and don't speak to me. Sometimes it hurts me that no one took my side and dropped her, but I get over it. The important thing is I am not letting it eat me up anymore. I have too many good things in my life to hold onto the bad vibes.

The reason I brought her up is she's about to get divorced. Her husband dropped a bomb out of nowhere. I feel AWFUL. I remember when they met, I was at their wedding, and he was always nice to me after the fight, at least to my face. What a fucking dick though. I get that people break up, but he did it in a very shitty way. I want to reach out and support her, but like I said, she hasn't let our drama go and probably never will.

Since I can't do any thing for her, I am trying to learn from the experience and put my life in perspective. I hope that doesn't read shitty. I wouldn't wish this on anyone. What I mean is, her break up just goes to show that you never fucking know what will happen. If you asked me a month ago if I thought they'd stay together, I'd say yes. Shit, if you asked her a month ago I'm sure she would, too. My point is, all we can ever do is trust ourselves, have faith we will survive what life throws at us, love the way we want to be loved, and hope for the best. I know she'll make it through this and even though my situation with MDLL is nowhere near the disappointment and heartache she must be feeling, I know I will make it through this too.

I decided I'm taking the next two months off from boys. I'm going to enjoy the rest of the year by focusing on how to make myself a better person. 2011 started off shitty and, break up aside, is ending up awesome. I feel stronger, wiser, and more stable. Somehow this has become the best year of my entire life and I want to see it through.

Up next, Thighs Family trip to California starts tomorrow! Have I ever mentioned my dad is an Oakland Raiders fan? Very strange considering he was born and raised in Brooklyn. Anyhoo, I've wanted to take him to a home game for years. We're finally going this weekend. I cannot WAIT to see his face when we get there. I took him to a Jets/Raiders game in '05 (I think) and he was like a kid on Christmas. There I was, freezing my ass off all bundled up, while he sat on the edge of his seat, coat unzipped, no hat, no gloves, with happy twinkles in his eyes. I love that punk. My word I am getting sentimental in my old age...

My mom and brother are coming, too. We haven't taken a family vacation since Disney World in 1997. My mom and I fought the entire time. I was probably the only person in the history of the world contemplating suicide in the Magic Kingdom. Yes, I was always dramatic.

Keep your fingers crossed the trip goes well, things turn around for an old friend, and MDLL gets his shit together so we can start fresh in the new year.

Three weeks!

2011-10-13T11:19:00.002-04:00

Gah! I can't believe I haven't posted in three weeks. Actually I can. A lot was going on! The rundown:

On September 24th, my parents came up to Queens to meet MDLL. It was AWESOME. Like incredibly awesome. They love him and he loves them, especially my dad. I couldn't have asked for a better night.

The next morning my mom said we are a great couple and can see he loves me, but meeting him makes his relationship status even more confusing. If we have such a good thing going, why isn't he processing his divorce yet? More on this later.

MDLL called me that evening to say he sprained his ankle and could barely walk. When I got to his house his ankle was huge and he was inexcruciating pain every time he tried to get up. He refused to go to the doctor (stupid boys!), so after an hour of pleading and the promise of a beej if he went (stupid boys!) I finally got him to go to the ER.

SIX HOURS LATER, we find out he has a sprained ankle and a fractured fibula. The fracture was a clean one, so luckily all he needed were crutches and an aircast. Strangely enough, The Gentleman also happened to be in the ER with a friend who was having bad panic attacks. I rarely feel awkward because, well, I don't know why, but I did then. MDLL was sitting in a wheelchair while The G-Man is standing three feet away, watching me console the guy I dumped him for. Awkward turtle! (Janey!)

I have a new appreciation for anyone who uses crutches in NYC. It is NOT easy to get around, especially when you live on the third floor of a walk-up like MDLL. I helped out by doing his food shopping, running errands, bringing dinner, cleaning up, etc. I was his nurse for the whole week. It felt good to take care of him. I finally got to repay him for keeping me company when I was sick earlier this year.

The timing sort of sucked, though. We were starting another conversion at work, so I was putting in a good 10 hours a day at the office, then going to MDLL's after. I was basically running on adrenaline the whole time. It felt good! Best two weeks I've ever had at Biz. It was the first time I felt well enough to really dive in and focus. I learned a ton about the job, about my strengths and weaknesses, and am working on setting higher expectations for myself. Sure I'm sitting at work blogging away at the moment, but I needed to vent...

So. The divorce.

Things with MDLL have been amazing. I am so in love with him. This is it. Like IT-IT. My life is changed forever.

The one problem we still have is communication. Neither of us want to have tough conversations. I don't want to ask him if he's processed the divorce because I'll feel like a naggy drag. He doesn't bring it up because things are going well and he knows I'll be upset he still hasn't moved forward. We are afraid to acknowledge the elephant in the room.

Finally this past Sunday we discussed the divorce and many other things, from living together to marriage to how we're spending the holidays this year. I told him I need to understand why he hasn't processed the paperwork. He's not sure why he keeps putting it off. He knows he doesn't want to get back together with his wife (I hate this word), he knows he loves me, but he doesn't know why he hasn't moved forward.

We're back to where we've been four other times since we met. On a break. He needs to do this on his own. I can't help him, I can't force him, I can't do anything except give him time and space. It sucks.

I can't cave either. We need to be apart until the paperwork is being processed. He says he wants it done by 2012 so he can have a clean slate. Hopefully he sticks to the timeline. Hopefully our relationship isn't wiped from the slate, too.

Greetings!

2011-09-20T22:29:00.002-04:00

What a week! The rundown:

Tuesday night MDLL and I went to Citi Field for Star Wars/Stand Up for Cancer night. It was really cool to watch scenes from the movies up on the jumbotrons and hear The Imperial March throughout the game. It was also fun to go with MD. We tend to hang in Astoria a lot, so it was great to go out and do something!

Wednesday through Friday my coworker and I went to Rochester to work at my boss' house. I was a little worried about staying there because really, who does that? I had visions of me sleep-walking into her bed or accidentally shitting on her dining room table. Luckily neither of these things happened and we all had a great time! Conversion starts on Monday so the next couple of weeks are going to be crazy. I'm pretty excited about it because this is my opportunity to show what I can do. Fingers crossed everything goes well!

I spent most of the weekend with MD in the hood. Friday I must have had at least seven vodka/seltzers. I haven't been that drunk or hungover in a while. Saturday Bacon and I hung out during the day for some girl time. Saturday night MD and I discussed my period being late and freaked out.

A couple of weeks ago we had prophylactic difficulties. Apparently there has been a pregnant woman parade between my apartment and the office every day since then, because I swear to Shizza I couldn't go five feet without seeing a bun in the oven. Isn't it funny/not funny how that works? I convinced myself this must mean I was with child and actually started picking names.

I am not pregnant. You know what's sad/crazy/interesting about this? While it would be completely inconvenient for me to have a baby right now, there was a small part of me that liked the idea. I don't know what the fuck is going on. Is this the biological clock I've heard so much about?? WHAT IS HAPPENING???

Sunday = football. I am so glad it's back!! The Jets look great. The Giants, not so much. It's only week 3, it's only week 3...

What else? Eh, I guess that's it. Family, 9/11, full moon, baby thoughts, PMS...I always seem to be extra sensitive in September. Maybe it has something to do with astrology and my half-birthday. Anyone want to look this up for me? I'm going to bed.

Stalk request

2011-09-20T13:33:00.004-04:00

Note: Sy is MDLL's heterosexual life partner.

Dear MDLL,

Sy and I would both like to Facebook stalk you, but we can't see anything on your wall other than shit we post ourselves.

Please fix your profile.

Love,

Your girlfriends

Yesterday

2011-09-12T11:41:00.000-04:00

Last week was a rough one for a lot of people. I always get moody and depressed around this time of year. The full moon and PMS doesn't help.

I know we need and should remember the attacks, but seriously, enough already. Last year was the first time I admitted to myself how much I was affected by the experience. Trust me when I say I will never forget, because to this day whenever I see a plane in the sky I silently wait for it to blow up.

I will also never forget because the fucking media won't let me. I avoid the news like the plague from mid-August to mid-September. I know the coverage helps people heal, but in my circle, it only seems to help non-New Yorkers feel connected to something that truthfully, no one should want to feel connected to. Just shut the fuck up already.

I'm sorry. I know I'm reading like a unpatriotic bitter asshole. It's because I feel like one.

There were two reasons I was happy about yesterday being yesterday. One, football is back. Two, halfway through making a smoothie I thought, "Oh shit, the milk's probably bad." When I read it expires on 9/11/11, I cheered the date for the first time in ten years. Then I poured the milk into the blender and it was cheese. Figures.

The Steelers and Giants looked awful, both losing division games. The Jets had a big win, but I was in bed by 9:30pm and missed it.

The only good thing about yesterday was I had a great time watching crappy games with my best friend and boyfriend. I also called my parents and brother to tell them I loved them. I cried a little bit, but not nearly enough as I needed. Maybe I can have a good cryfest tonight.

Fuckingshitballasslickbitchfacehorsecocknwordfworddickholecuntheads.

Uncomfortable Love Beat

2011-09-08T13:34:00.002-04:00

Sharing the truth about MDLL's divorce was the most uncomfortable post I've ever written. It's interesting because I've shared some pretty intimate things on here. I guess the difference is all of my previous posts were about me and my personal life, not someone else's. I decided to keep it up because of how uncomfortable it made me feel. Was my discomfort indicative of how uncomfortable I am with our situation or am I just worried he will find out and be angry with me? If I take it down at this point, am I lying?

I appreciate the feedback I've received on the subject. I was very surprised how much this bothered me. Me? Morals? Values? My parents will be married for 37 years this month. I never thought I would want what they have, but I do. Those idiots love the shit out of each other, even when they want to beat the shit out of each other. I love MDLL so much that I'd like to punch him in the face.

Saturday afternoon I listened to a voicemail from my parents while I was on my way to meet MDLL. My dad said something like, "Thighs, we've done some soul searching. While we aren't happy he's not divorced yet, we do not want this to come between us. Please tell MDLL he's welcome to come to the party."

I cried one of those heavy soul cries. I called Bacon, then I called my parents. I sobbed and blathered while walking the mile to the bar. It was a HUGE olive branch and an even bigger weight off my shoulders. I told MDLL and we both decided to wait so he can meet them one on one and not with 30 of my cousins there. I missed him a lot, but it was fun showing everyone his pictures and talking him up. It's obvious I'm in love.

Last night I stopped by his apartment because he said he wasn't feeling well. I brought him some chicken soup, orange juice, tissues, etc. figuring it was just a little cold. Nope, the poor kid had the flu and 102 fever! His skin was on fire!

Of course I have to watch my own health after the shitstorm of this year. I went to bed at 9:30pm and woke up at 7am feeling awful. I said fuck it, I'm sleeping in and working from home today. I slept until ten, now I'm working. Well blogging, but I am actually running shit on my laptop too.

I feel okay now, just beat. I refuse to get sick damn it!

Win!

2011-09-06T14:18:00.002-04:00

Things with Voldemort are better, but she is still a bitch.

Small win...I just dropped a majorly stinky cheese poop. She went into the same stall seconds later.

Take that Voldie!

I'm ready. I think.

2011-09-01T12:50:00.004-04:00

I'm ready to talk about the new information. I guess I held off for so long because everything seems real once I write it on Thighs. Also, I'm not sure how MDLL will feel if I air out his personal business on my personal blog. MD, if you ever read this, I'm sorry. I need to Thighsighs up the situation. I hope you understand.

The new information is MDLL's ex-girlfriend is actually his wife. They were only separated for six months when he and I met. I found out Memorial Day weekend when I saw a picture of him with a wedding ring on. I asked him about it and everything came pouring out...

The last thing MDLL wanted was a girlfriend while he's going through a divorce which is why he kept pushing me away. He eventually realized after our Valentine's Day break-up that he did really like me and wanted us to be together. The problem was he wasn't sure how to tell me he was married after all of this time. As the weeks went on it got harder for him to bring it up, especially since things were going so well. He was extremely apologetic for not telling me and relieved I finally knew.

I was in shock for a good week. I didn't know what to do or think, so I did what I do best, I asked everyone I knew for advice. So many opinions! My friends who know him were worried, but thought we can work this out. The people who haven't met him, including my parents (yes, my parents) wanted me to break up with him for basically lying for nine months. Everyone wanted to know, when will the divorce be final?

MDLL originally told me "soon", but the newER information ended up being the divorce wasn't being processed yet because his wife needs health insurance. I was pissed because I felt like he should have told me everything the first time we spoke. When I told everyone this, the opinions leaned more toward breaking up because it seemed sketchy. I said I'd give it a month before I made any decisions. During that time I questioned a lot about myself, him, marriage, divorce, love, commitment, everything. Our relationship was blossoming at a slow, natural pace, then WHAM, all of a sudden I was thinking about what I wanted, where we were going, if we have a future, knowing we can't have a future until he settles the past, etc. Eventually this was all too much, which is why I broke up with him the end of June. The marriage aside, I realized I had other needs that weren't being filled.

This brings us to mid-July when MDLL finally shared his feelings about me. Since then we are in a committed relationship and I'm the happiest I've ever been with someone in my life. I love him. I want to marry him. I beam whenever I think or talk about him.

So why am I sharing this now? My parents want nothing to do with him. I never thought I would care this much about their opinion. My mom is acting like he's actively married with five kids and I'm a homewrecker. He and his wife have now been separated for a year and a half. She lives in another state and is dating as well. There's nothing sneaky, cheaty, or wrong with this situation.

Or is there? Don't I deserve to be with someone who is available? What does "available" mean to me? We talk everyday, hang out at least four times a week. MDLL is pretty damn available. He says he loves me and sees a future together one day, so he's emotionally available now too. I guess the only way he's unavailable is marriage-wise. We can't get married until he gets divorced. GAH! THESE WORDS ARE TOO ADULT FOR ME! I thought "mortgage" was the worst adult word, but "divorce" wins!!!

This week I'm struggling with all of this because I secretly hoped he would have processed the divorce by September, which probably won't happen until the end of the year. It sucks because I feel like this is OUR month. The 6th is our Meetiversary, watching football is our thing, and I wanted him to come to NJ for my parents' Labor Day party on Sunday, but they told me no. My mom even asked me not to mention him to family because she doesn't want them to know I'm dating a married man. Unfuckingbelievable. HE'S SEPARATED YOU JERK!

I'm not sure what to do. I love him and I am so happy when we're together. The drama with my family is ruining it. I can't blame them for wanting the best for me. I can't blame him for taking his time to settle the divorce. I can't change my parents' minds. I can't force him to move things forward. The only thing I can do is trust my instincts, take care of myself, and have faith everything is going according to plan. If I'm to be with MDLL, this will make us stronger. If not, I am that much closer to finding true love.

Come On Eireen..

2011-08-26T23:28:00.002-04:00

I was on edge all day. Queries wouldn't run, my email was wonky, Excel was acting up. Everything was on the fritz! I was panicky, insecure, and anxious for no reason.

Then later on it hit me. The whole city is freaking out over Hurricane Irene and I got caught up in the mind hive stress vibes. Once I realized this I calmed down.

I bought some water and food, did laundry, hit the bank, and cleaned my toilet because Shizza knows what that thing will look like if I can't flush until Monday.

I'm a bit concerned about two things. One, my roof. Well, my ceiling. Every year I get bad leaks in my kitchen and one corner of my living room. Two, my bedroom window. I love, love, LOVE this window. There's nothing behind my building, so I have a great view of Manhattan and a beautiful breeze even on hot summer days. During very windy storms it can be pretty scary though. I've woken up in the middle night worried it will break. I might hang up some plastic tarp to be safe.

MDLL and I plan to have a hurricane slumber party the next couple of nights. I told him all we need is vodka, taco fixings, and condoms. I have a feeling those are the only things he bought, so chances are we'll be hanging at my place.

Be safe East Coasters!

P.S. The title should be read as if a Chinese man was singing Come On Eileen...ROR!

Fun with Colors

2011-08-26T22:54:00.008-04:00

Ever wear or buy something in a specific color and feel like that color is following you? For example, the day I decided to paint my college bedroom lilac I was later surrounded by lilac things: shirts, flowers, stickers, store signs. I took this to mean I made the right decision!

Since then I've taken notice whenever a color is near itself. It has to be an interesting color or a situation that makes you stop and think what is the probability of these two random things matching?

Have I lost you yet? Maybe visual aides will help. I started taking some pictures. It's a bit hard though! Today this woman was standing at the corner. Her black and white striped skirt matched the crosswalk perfectly. I couldn't get the picture before the light changed though! Blah!

Cars are pretty easy, but I always wonder what are the chances two of the same color would park right next to each other?

This was a fun one. A cab was parked at the light for a while, but I missed the photo op. It would have been a trifecta of mustardy yellow!

I love this.

2011-08-23T16:37:00.002-04:00

And these too:

Boob wha?

2011-08-23T16:22:00.002-04:00

Facebook has this new (new to me?) thing where it shows your status from a year ago today.

On 08/23/10 I wrote: "Two day work week! Yay!"

I racked my brain for a good five minutes trying to remember why I would have taken off three days. Pittsburgh? No, that was July. A staycation? No, I've never done that before.

Then it hit me.

BOOB SURGERY! Thursday is the anniversary. Jesus.

Stupid cold

2011-08-23T10:23:00.000-04:00

I was hoping the Sick Gods would keep me healthy for the rest of the year. Ha, no. It's just a little summer cold, nothing serious. My whole face feels pinched.

Things got much better at work by the end of last week. I had a really good talk with Voldemort and the rest of Billing. Voldemort is still a bitch, but she's always one so I'm not taking it personally anymore. I keep playing the scene in Bring It On when the boyfriend says to what's her nuts "Big Red's a bitch. We all know that!" It helps.

One of the main complaints from them is how Iron is nowhere to be found. She blew off a meeting with us on Friday, which started a huge vent/rant about her. Not good at all. She also blew off two important meetings today, too. Not sure what to do about this yet.

MDLL and I spent the last six out of eight days together. So much fun. I love him!! We ate a lot of tacos, watched movies and TV shows on Netflix streaming THE GREATEST INVENTION OF ALL TIME, went to Lebowskifest for a cast reunion/Q&A and a screening of the film, and hung at the neighborhood bars. I've never dated anyone for this long, so I am trying to figure out what works best for me in regards to how much we see each other/talk/bang. Yesterday I made a point of not texting him because a) I felt like shit, b) I worked until 8pm, and c) I wanted to make sure I could go a day without contact. I survived. Of course the thought crossed my mind he was hit by a bus, can't dial/text me, yet has the ability to answer/respond and the fact I didn't call has left him broken hearted in the hospital. I am my mother's daughter.

I want to live with him and get married. I know I do. I'm not sure how this works, though! I mean like, I've known him for a year. Will we be eating tacos this time next year, too? Will I get sick of us eating tacos? Will he get sick of me eating tacos? How do we keep the sex interesting? It's fucking awesome now. Will it always be awesome?

Believe it or not, this isn't a freak out. It's honest and calm questions from a 33 year old woman who never had a long term relationship.

I can even see us having a kid. One kid. The thought of being pregnant and responsible for a life does freak me out, but the thought of having one with MDLL doesn not. When I see a dad carrying his daughter or holding his son's hand, I think of MDLL. I like this. I do not like the birth, the strain on my body, the sleepless nights, the parental whine, and you know, the commitment to raising a child. My goldish died in a week because I was too cheap to buy a tank. YIKES. Maybe I can get a surrogate to keep my kid until he's old enough to take care of himself.

Love acks!

2011-08-19T10:28:00.002-04:00

Ack! I can't stop thinking about MDLL! He's my boyfriend! My very hot, funny, smart, kind boyfriend! Ack ack ack!

I wish I could love him up every single day. Ack!

So awesome. So, so incredibly awesome.

ACK!

Job Sigh

2011-08-16T17:06:00.002-04:00

Most of my 2011 has been focused on two things - feeling well and MDLL. (Rhyme! Sort of.)

Now that I am in a good place with both my health and love life, I find myself becoming more negative about work.

I am trying to figure out if this is me pulling me shit again. Do I really need to have something in my life to complain about? I've had so much stress, anxiety, and disappointment from previous jobs that the last thing I want to do is get into the habit of letting work bother me. If I learned ANYTHING in the last decade, I learned I need to detach.

I'm going to let myself vent just this once and see how I feel...

Iron (my boss) has been at the Philly client for almost two months. This left me alone to create the validation plan for the NY client. The plan is a document to help the client validate all of the data in their old system was correctly converted into the new one. Easy, right? Sure, in theory. On big implementations, especially financial system ones, it isn't as simple as the old Name field maps to the new Name field. There are a ton of other things that make it complicated such as the fields having different descriptions or uses in each system (always happens), the client providing translations to suit their specific needs, or plugs being added to fix bad data. It is not straighforward.

Having only worked here for seven months, most of which I was braindead, I do not know much about the above at all. With Iron being out of the picture, I don't have really anyone to turn to who knows the systems and conversion as well as she does.

The good news is ever since I started the Zoloft I'm close to getting back to my old work ethic. I've learned a TON on my own in the past month, probably more than I did the whole three years at Minnow. The bad news...

Problem 1 - The plan is SUPER late. I could have managed my time better the past few weeks, but at the end of the day I'm just way too new to do this by myself. It's taking me so much longer to do this than it would Iron since I simply don't know where to find everything. Somehow I AM doing it, but the main validation team is not happy with me.

Problem 2 - I get shit on if there are mistakes. One person in particular, Voldemort, is such a bitch to me. It sucks.

I've come a long way since my extreme sensitivity (and crazy) at Company, but I'm still human. It bothers me when I'm not doing well. So much of this year was focused on just FEELING well that my work performance was on the back burner. I finally stopped dicking around as much as I did a few weeks ago, although I do still need some gchat love and Facebook breaks. At least three days a week I'm in a conference room by myself. I need some sort of social interaction!

It also bothers me when I'm not liked. I get it, though. Voldemort has every right to be pissed off with me. I was a superuser/IT liason. If the project team wasn't delivering I was up their ass, too. When I was younger I was downright mean at times, so this could be karma. Or I just need to get used to fact that I'm not on the business side anymore. This means they are right and I, the consultant, is wrong.

Anyhoo, the irony is not lost on me that I am writing this when I should be working. I just got verbally shat on and needed to write. Voldemort doesn't curse or yell, it's more this icy condescension followed up with an email recapping how poorly the validation is going. Sigh.

Some days I get pissed off at Iron for feeding me to the sharks. Other days I am happy I'm learning and being challenged. I really need to create boundaries between my work-self and the rest of my life, though. I don't want a stressful job to make me sick again.

Fortunately while the client might not be happy, my bosses are pleased with my performance. A coworker said if it wasn't for me, they'd be screwed because the validation plan wouldn't have been done at all. Iron said I'm a lifesaver.

Even more fortunate...when the NY client goes live in January, I will never see Voldemort again.

Appropriately named...

2011-08-15T09:39:00.002-04:00

Thanks Douis!

How I feel this morning...

2011-08-11T10:03:00.002-04:00

YAY! CHEESE!

Moron

2011-08-07T12:08:00.002-04:00

I signed MDLL up for Facebook. He could care less about social networking, but he mentioned some college friends he'd like to get in touch with and I said FB is a really easy way to reconnect.

I am a friggin moron for encouraging this, though. I've already checked his profile twelve times in the past 36 hours since he created an account.

FACEBOOK STALKING MY BOYFRIEND. Jerk alert!!

Rejected!

2011-08-04T12:17:00.000-04:00

A few years back I signed up with a focus group/market research center. You can get paid $100 - $150 a session!

I finally got a call a couple of weeks ago. Last night was the first gig. The study group leader came in and asked some questions about our oral hygiene routine. I said I brush twice a day and floss about 2-3 times a week, really only if I have food stuck in my teeth. She then asked how I felt about flossing. I said I know I should do it more often because it's good for my gums, but I'm lazy. The end. The leader left and a few minutes later the receptionist came in and said, "Everyone follow me except Shannon." Oooookay.

The receptionist came back and said, "We only need five people for the study, so you can go home. We will still pay you the $100 though!"

So I got paid for doing nothing. Hooray, right?

Wrong. I mean, yes it is AWESOME I got a free hundred to sit in a waiting room for twenty minutes, but I could not shake the feeling of rejection!

What is wrong with me? Should I have lied and said I floss more? Did she not like the bit about being lazy and/or having food in my teeth? Was I bitchy? Did I smell? WHAT THE HELL MADE HER NOT PICK ME!?!?!?

Not that anyone who reads Thighs needed another glimpse into my negative, self-conscious psyche, but there you have it. Apparently it means more to me to be chosen than compensated.

Ello!

2011-08-01T11:51:00.002-04:00

Wow. The past two weeks went by fast. Time sure does fly as you get older...

SO. Where to begin? The rundown:

1. Mental health - I FEEL GREAT! Auntie D is my best friend. Therapy is amazing. I've never talked about the things Cee and I are discussing with anyone before, so I'm not sure if I'll share much on here. Maybe if I pay each of you $150 an hour I'll feel more comfortable.

2. Physical health - I FEEL PRETTY GOOD! I'd say great, but I had bad stomach issues last night. I couldn't resist Mr. Softee any longer. It's not summer without some soft vanilla ice cream! I felt fine after eating it, then later on for dinner I had Chirping Chicken and got sick immediately after. I had the ribs and chicken from there a few weeks ago and got sick the next day, but I thought it was the corn and the carrots. Now I think it must be some sort of BBQ rub or something on the meat. Hopefully it wasn't the ice cream!! The episodes are painful and gross, but I'm fine once they um, pass. I'm not as stressed out about it as I used to be, which is nice. I just have to either be near home or wear diapers* when I'm going to try new foods.

3. Work - IT'S OKAY! Last week was my first annoying one at the office. It made me feel normal!

4. Friends - I LOVE THEM ALL! My social calendar is starting to fill up. Yay! I'm so glad I have the strength to go out again. I had dinner with Ceej and Breen last Wednesday. Friday I hung out at Doll's with the usual crew. Saturday I got to see Rolo and Stevie at the beer garden during the day, then celebrated Juniper's birthday there that night. I missed everyone so much!

5. MDLL - I'M IN LOVE! I know, I know. My last post sad we aren't together and I wanted to see other people. Yeah, no. I got scared after he told me he loved me. Now I'm not. I'm going for it. Gah! We are an official couple now. I introduced him as "my boyfriend" a few times Saturday night and asked him about it yesterday:

"Soooo...I called you my boyfriend at the beer garden."

"Yeah, I heard that."

"What do you think?"

"I liked it." (adorable smile)

"Are we boyfriend and girlfriend now?" (goofy smile)

"Of course!"

"Will you officially ask me?" (giggling)

"Shannon, will you be my girlfriend?"

"Yes!" (make out)

YAY YAY YAY!

Second half of 2011 is looking good!

*I thought I should mention this was a joke. I'm told sometimes you never know with me. Hell, sometimes I never know with myself!

Weekendy End

2011-07-18T18:15:00.004-04:00

Now that I feel better I'm back to my regularly scheduled case of the Mondays. I barely did anything today. Poop!

Friday night was my date with MDLL. Dinner was delicious, kissing and hugging on the pier at Gantry Park was romantic, dancing on his roof was like a dream, and the sex was the best yet. The one problem - I had to ask him to verbalize his feelings again. It was a bit disappointing, especially because we had two perfect settings for him to whisper sweet nothings and make me melt.

I woke up on Saturday very unsure of what to do next. I was centered though and felt (still feel) in control of my emotions and the situation. Luckily I had a lovely afternoon planned with Bakes, who helped me sort things out. We had lunch at my new favorite taco place Tortilleria Nixtamal. The fish tacos are to die for!! SO GOOD! Afterwards we went to the Mets/Phillies game. It was my first of the season and they won! WOO HOO!

My instincts had told me to keep the conversation nice and light Friday. By Saturday night, my gut said to booty call him at 11pm and ride him into the ground. We both thoroughly enjoyed it.

Yesterday I was finally ready to talk. Thankfully he was, too. We shared a lot about our feelings for each other and our relationship this past year. He told me he loved me. I cried.

While we both really care about each other, we agreed we're at a standstill. We've exhausted our conversations about the new information and our future. There's really nothing left to do except sort out our own lives.

The truth is I'm unsure if MDLL's The One. The communication is a huge issue for me. We wouldn't have had so many ups and downs if there had been a consistently honest and open dialogue. It's a shame it took this long to get here. It might be too late.

Or it might not. For once I am okay with not knowing. I'm ready to start dating again. Maybe I meet someone special. Maybe I don't. I would be crushed if he started dating someone, but maybe I need to lose him to know I definitely want him. Maybe we end up as friends. Who knows? The possibilities are endless. It's exciting.

This weekend was the best I've had all year.

Brilliant

2011-07-13T23:41:00.001-04:00

Thanks Juniper!

If kittens didn't turn into cats, I would buy five.

Eat, bitch!

2011-07-13T23:31:00.003-04:00

I'm also feeling so much better now that I'm upping my calories. I went over 1400 today! WOOT!

Note: I didn't actually have Wegman's sushi, but their brand are one of the few with brown rice listed.

Note to Self

2011-07-13T23:16:00.003-04:00

Dear Future Thighs,

You will probably toy with going off Auntie D at some point in the next two years. It has to happen just to see if we can handle it. I'm hoping we are in a position to do well of course. That being said...

DON'T DO IT! FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY! YOU FEEL SO MUCH BETTER ON THEM!

Thanks!

Present Thighs

I seriously cannot describe how good I feel this week. I started taking the full 50mg of Zoloft Saturday and it is already working its happy magic. I can think straight, I can focus at work, I am inspired, and I feel GOOD.

Therapy is going really well, too. I've said it before and I'll say it forever - I really think everyone should go to therapy at some point in their life. I am breaking through some tough walls to find my truths and it feels wonderful.

Jesus. This is the best I've felt all year!!! Hooray!!

WHEEEE!!!

2011-07-11T11:23:00.001-04:00

Before I get on with my day I need to write about this weekend.

MDLL called Saturday night. We talked for about an hour both then and yesterday. He said so many wonderful and heartfelt things. He apologized for everything and said he wants us to be together again, this time as a real couple. He also said he will take action on the new information, so that he and we can move forward.

It was like a dream. I I haven't stopped smiling!! WOO HOO!!

I am really, really excited and happy about this. I am also very nervous, too. Thoughts:

I need open communication and a firm date on the end of the new information. I refuse to assume, worry, pry, push, make excuses, or wait around with my thumb up my ass for him.

I need to focus on me this time. I'm feeling physically better, only slight aches and pains now. I am ready to eat more. I am ready to work hard again. I am ready to get my life in order. Therapy and Auntie D are already helping me so much. I am grateful. What I am nervous about is this - how do I build a solid foundation of self without getting pieces of MDLL mixed in the concrete? I cannot afford to have my happiness tied to whether or not MDLL and I work out. MDLL or any other guy. How do I prevent codependency?

I need to trust, too. At this very moment I am not sure I want to get back together with him. I don't completely trust him with my heart again. One part of me is saying it's over, move on. The other part of me feels like if MDLL is willing to work at it, then I can give him one more chance. JUST ONE. I know he is a good man and a good friend. Now that he wants to be a good boyfriend, I am curious to see how this goes. Curiouser and curiouser. We are hanging out on Friday to discuss our next steps. Chances are this is our make or break date.

Enough of the serious thoughts...

HE LIKES ME HE REALLY LIKES ME!! His exact words were, "I'm crazy about you." Jaw. Floor. I wish I had a tape recorder. WHEEEEE!!! YAY YAY YAY YAY YAY!!

Fuck.

2011-07-08T14:14:00.003-04:00

I think I know what's wrong. This week I signed up for a free online food journal to track my calories.

I only ate 850 yesterday. Geez.

I really need to add more food to my diet.

Stoned

2011-07-08T13:14:00.003-04:00

I feel like crap again today, the old crap - drained, rundown, tired. My mom thinks it's the heat. She might be right. It's annoying though because every time I feel shitty I run through all of the things that may have gone wrong. Did I eat anything bad? Did I eat enough food? Did I take my meds? Did I take my meds too close together? Are the meds making me feel this? Is it the vitamins/my pdiddy/my mental state?

I question everything nowadays. It's fucking exhausting.

I hadn't needed the anti-inflammatory for almost a week now, then yesterday I woke up in pain again. Today, too. It's hard waking up like this. Actually no, it's hard waking up like this and not letting it ruin my day.

Yesterday was the roughest MDLLless day yet. Bakes thinks I'm making myself sick over it. She's probably right. There are no boundaries between my emotional and physical health lately. I was so tempted to call him, but I refrained. I realized I don't want to talk or hang out. All I want to do is hug him, feel my face against his, and give him kisses down his neck. Someone make that happen please.

I'm sooo tired. I look like I'm stoned. I feel like I'm stoned. Maybe I am stoned.

Blerg.

Adult things

2011-07-05T16:06:00.002-04:00

This is a comment to the EHarmony creator's article on Huffington Post. I like this.

"The problem is not "getting the right person" it is all about BEING the right person. The spouse is a mirror to be able to see your own wounds, hurts, and unhealed areas so they can come to the surface to heal. Every time you are triggered, you should thank you spouse for showing something about yourself that you couldn't see and heal without such a close, demanding relationship. All of us would rather stay on the surface and run from our internal issues, but the world will not transform until each individual chooses to transform into the love, peace, and wholeness that we are. Change on the outside begins on the inside.

Marriage is a sacred union to heal, make whole, free, awaken, and bring each to oneness with the Source of Life. Marriage brings up everything that is not love so it can heal, and we can be free, intimate, and joyful. The problem is not the marriage relationship, or the wrong spouse. The problem lies in each human being as we either resist change, or grow and expand into the vast, spiritual, multidimensional beings we truly are. Marriage is the holy road to the unconscious. Marriage triggers everything unlike love in our growth towards wholeness. The purpose of marriage is rebirth into our true loving selves. It requires a death of the old. New life is the result of walking through the fire of transformation in the crucible of sacred, committed, marital love.

www.newheavenonearth.wordpress.com"

You're a fiiirework...

2011-07-05T11:11:00.000-04:00

I like Katy Perry.

I am in a weird mood this morning. It feels like my acid trip ended a couple of hours ago and I'm in the limbo state between coming back to reality and passing out. Maybe that's a better description for my "absent fogness". I'm at work, but it doesn't feel like I'm really sitting here. This is the last place I want to be. I, like most people, would prefer never to have to work again. I might have kids just so I can be a stay at home mom. Isn't that nice? It's like being a teacher solely for summer vacations.

I know somewhere inside I'm really going to like this job. My position requires drive, initiative, creativity, and smarts. I have those things, so I don't get why I'm not off and running yet. I guess I'm just exhausted from this year. I could really, REALLY use a vacation. A week where I don't have to work, don't have doctor appointments, don't think about MDLL, and can drink/eat anything I want. You know, have my old life back.

MDLL. I barely slept Friday night. Every time I woke up I thought about him. Saturday I was an exhausted and cry-y waste. I went to Bacon's for a bit to relax and mourn, then went to my parents' house. My cousin's 4th of July party was Sunday, so I figured it would be good to head down to NJ early. I really needed to get out of Astoria.

The family party was okay. I felt like a whiny hypochondriac broken record recounting my health woes of this year. All I wanted to do was talk about and cry over MDLL. Yesterday Juniper and I went to a BBQ at a local pub. I was okay for the most part, but I did cry a couple of times. Remind me not to break up with someone when I'm PMSing.

What am I crying about? One, I wish he would fight for me. I wish he would show up at my door with flowers and say, "I need you. Let's make this work." Two, I'm feeling guilty and worried. He already went through one major split last year, now he has to deal with our mini-one. I don't want to hurt him any more than he already is...then again I'm not even sure he is hurting. I really just want to take care of him and make sure he feels loved, secure, and safe. Me? I'll be fine. I'm sad and I'll miss him, but I'll survive. I know single well.

So there's my weekend. It was what it was. I didn't feel up to heading over to the west side to see the Macy's fireworks on the Hudson (bastards!) again this year. I was pleasantly surprised to find I could see a lot of it from my roof, though!! Half of the flower bursts were obstructed, but I didn't mind. It was actually pretty cool to watch them against the skyline. There were plenty of illegal ones set off in the neighborhood, too.

Blah. Work. You can tell I'm getting a lot done right now, huh? What the fuck is my problem? I know about seven people who lost their jobs in the past two weeks. Why doesn't this make me feel grateful to have one? Why doesn't it scare the shit out of me and pump up my old super work ethic? Man, I am not myself this year. All I want to do is sleep. Hopefully it will get better once the Zoloft kicks in.

One plus this morning, I saw three cute redheads today. Three!! I felt like I was walking down The Gingerbrick Road.

A redhead a day keeps the depression away...

Good Bad Good Bad Bood Gad

2011-07-01T22:08:00.003-04:00

Yesterday ended up being a great work day. I felt awesome and got a TON done. Yay for focusing and being a good employee!!

By the time I got home I felt pretty crappy again. It wasn't as bad as Wednesday, but it wasn't good either. My hips and legs were killing me and the absent fog was back. I really don't have any other way to describe it other than I'm here, but not here.

I still made it out to see the fireworks at Astoria Park, though. I LOVE FIREWORKS!! They made me happy. Seeing MDLL made me sad. I knew it might be one of the last nights I'd see him for a while, then he showed up smashed. It was weird.

Today I woke up with a little nausea and pains. I forced myself to cook eggs because I knew if I didn't use my stove immediately after the gas leak I wouldn't use it for months. I felt better after I ate, then out of it again. It's so annoying.

Continuing the up and downness of it all I felt pretty good this afternoon. I saw Super 8 with Juniper and Bacon. It was Super GR8!! (I must be the millionth person to make that comment!) We went to the bar for a bit and after a glass and a half of seltzer water my stomach started acting up again. Really? Seltzer? I can't win!!

I came home and made the dreaded phone call. I broke up with MDLL for real. After all of this time he finally told me everything I wanted to hear: he cares about me, I'm very special to him, and he thinks of me as his girlfriend. I cried. A lot. IT SUCKED SUCKS IS SUCKING. I love him. I really, really do. I just don't think we should be together right now. I hate feeling this way, but I can't ignore it.

I'm in duality, per usual. Fuckin' Pisces. On the one hand, we both need to sort out some shit before we can move forward. On the other, I'm afraid I'm throwing away my taco lobster. If MDLL was more vocal about his feelings and made a bit more effort, we would have been perfect. I don't know if that means he's not my taco lobster or what. I guess only time will tell.

So there ya have it. Good, bad, good, bad.

Huh. Now that I wrote that, maybe the idea of good and bad days is stupid. It's all just lifing, right?

Please today!

2011-06-30T08:04:00.004-04:00

A couple of months ago when I was cooking I noticed it smelled like gas in the cabinet near the stove. I didn't think much of it because the stove was on and usually smells like a bit of gas anyways.

This week I noticed the cabinet smelled like gas even when the stove was off. I cringed at the thought of calling ConEd or the fire department YET AGAIN, then realized it is better to be a nervous dickhead than a murderer.

They came last night. I had a gas leak. Sammy the ConEd guy was super nice. He tightened the valve and told my super it needs to be replaced immediately. My super is here replacing it now. He showed me my valve compared to a new one. It was like comparing The Cryptkeeper to a baby. STOVEGATE 2011!!

Yesterday morning I woke up tired and nauseous. Both are known side effects of Zoloft. It seemed like an episode of my stomach issues again, though. All day I felt like shit, then I came home, dealt with ConEd, and headed to the bar for MDLL's birthday. I didn't last long. I ate a piece of chicken and went home. It was the same feeling I've had in the past, a wave of exhaustion and a twisted feeling in my intestines. I was able to sleep fine and I feel okay this morning so far although I'm still nauseous and now my intestines feel empty and raw. In related news, pooping is not fun anymore.

I don't think I'm eating enough for all of the medication and vitamins I'm taking. My daily diet for the last month is pretty much this:

2-3 scrambled or hard-boiled eggs
greek yogurt
blueberries or raspberries
2 pieces of grilled chicken with asparagus or spinach salad with grilled chicken, asparagus, avocado, celery with olive oil
almonds
more blueberries or raspberries
dinner lately is either 2-3 tacos, a burger (no bun, sometimes fries), quinoa with a vegetable, or grilled chicken

I need and want to start introducing more foods and calories back to my diet, but episodes like last night hold me back. On Tuesday I added broccoli and carrots to my salad. Yesterday morning I had one sip of coffee because I was so tired. Other than that it's been pretty much the above. In case you're not familiar with gluten-free and yeast-free diets, it's like Atkins. Here's the food list I've been consulting: Whole Approach Candida Diet.

On top of that I haven't finished something due today at work. Also, I don't think MDLL understands we are breaking up. While he didn't do many romantic things, he is super affectionate and continued to be so last night. I know he does care about me, but we need to end this for a while. Apparently I need to be more forceful.

GAH. It's only 8:30am. Please be a good day today!

Breaking up...again.

2011-06-28T22:00:00.004-04:00

MDLL and I are breaking up. Well, I broke it off last night, but we are going to hang out the next two nights for his birthday. So it's like a break up week.

The new information brought up some things I ignored for the past four months because a) I wasn't feeling well, b) he made me feel TONS better, c) I was SUPER happy, and d) I thought things were changing.

I was hoping MDLL would spend our week apart reflecting and taking action. He didn't. I don't know if he will for a while.

The other issue besides his complacency was the lack of romance. MDLL hasn't gone out of his way to get me a gift or do something thoughtful, take me out on a date he planned himself, or verbalize his feelings. I thought it was just a boy thing or his way, but now I realize it is a reflection of what he thinks of me. I'm still a friend with benefits after all this time.

We're right back to where we always end up - I am committed to him on all levels, but he isn't committed to me.

This morning I felt guilty about my decision. It was combination guilt of putting my needs first and leaving him at a rough (?) time.

By the afternoon I was proud. I can honestly say I tried my hardest to make things work. July 6th would have been ten months since we met. This was my longest adult relationship, even with the breaks in between. I broke six months, woo hoo!! I would have went even longer if given the chance. Hell, I would have married him if he asked.

Who knows? Maybe down the road we try again. My gut says this is it, though. I need and deserve to be with someone who wants to be with me.

I am ready to move on.

Sorry Pee-Wee!

2011-06-28T20:57:00.003-04:00

So this happened:

HAHAHAHAHA! Oops!

Boooo fast weekend!

2011-06-27T00:11:00.005-04:00

My weekends are going by faster and faster, even without raging hangovers. Damn you raging soberovers!

The weeklong break with MDLL lasted four whole days. I called him Friday night. We texted a bit tonight, too. We didn't hang out at all, which was good. While I miss him a lot I needed a weekend to myself.

I stayed in Friday night. Saturday was a full day. I went shoe shopping again. No luck on supportive summery sandals/shoes yet, although I have a good idea of what I want now. I'm avoiding all flip flops and any other shoe with the big toe/second toe (pointer toe?) hold. I really think years of wearing those shoes contributed to my foot spasms.

Did I mention Cee holds focusing workshops? It's sort of like group therapy, but with more structure and participation. Group therapy can be shitty if one person takes up the whole session. I know that sounds mean, but it can get annoying. Ironically this weekend's workshop was about listening. I like to think I'm a good listener, but there are PLENTY of times I can't wait to talk. I'm very quick to make it about me, giving MY advice or MY opinion or telling a similar story from MY life. That's a conversation, right? Of course it is, but there are times where all the other person needs is to be heard. I like this.

I walked past a friend's restaurant after therapy. I rarely go in, but my instincts told me I should. I saw my friend at the bar. We chatted for a couple of minutes when a woman sat down next to me. It turns out she was a tarot card reader, so I asked for a reading. It was fantastic. She was pretty vague about some things in my past and well, I have no idea what the future will bring but it was nice to connect with someone on a psychic plane. Laugh it up, fuzzball.

After the card reading I headed over to Juniper's BBQ. Mick was there of course (they are roommates) and MY GOD I cannot believe he and I hooked up a year ago. No interest in doing that again whatsoever. I really do like him as a friend, though!

I had a lot of fun at the BBQ (thanks J!), but I was a bit freaked out for a couple of hours. The Zoloft made me feel like I was on speed. My eyes were wide open, my mouth was super dry, my mind was racing, and I couldn't stop talking. I sort of wanted to jump out of my skin. I know it will be better in a couple of days. I feel fine now. I can't remember what it was like the last time I started the meds. I was so far gone then, though. It's different now. I feel better than I did back in 2006 FO' SURE. I hadn't started Thighs yet, so maybe I'll look at my journals from that year.

Today I went to Target and DSW for another failed shoe shopping attempt. I love Target. I want everything in that damn store. I tried on a few cute dresses (!!), but I took the wrong sizes into the dressing room and was too lazy to go back to get the right one. Larges were hanging off of me. I gotta tell you, it's fucking awesome! Sure the weight loss started for a crappy reason, but now I'm enjoying it. I'm excited to start working out soon! Oh and I'm also ready to start introducing more foods. I can tell because I'm starting to crave carbs. I don't plan on eating wheat ever again, though. It's not worth it.

I made MDLL a mint chocolate chip ice cream pie. He told me his mom used to make it for his birthday every year, so I thought I'd surprise him with one. I hope he likes it!

Crap. It's midnight. I can't believe it's Monday already. Boooo fast weekend!

Relieved

2011-06-24T12:34:00.005-04:00

Soooo...this week was not good. Not good at all.

Today is the first day I am focused, strong, hopeful, and now relieved.

Why relieved? Primary and I decided it's time to go back on Auntie D. I was strongly opposed to the idea up until yesterday. Enough is enough. I was NOT functional this week. Sure I made it to work, but I couldn't be bothered to do a damn thing. I cry at the drop of a hat, I fuck around online (ahem), and all of my symptoms from this year came back: lightheadedness, dizziness, panic, and the absent fog. The dickhead doctor was right. It WAS depression and anxiety, but that wasn't the whole story.

I hated the idea of going back on anti-depressants because it felt shameful. I failed myself. Well I realize now I didn't fail at all. I went almost two years without them with relatively "normal" Thighs mania. I lost my shit this year and now I'm finally well enough to see how it's affecting the rest of my life. A few of my relationships are rocky, my work performance is subpar, and Delilah is a disaster. I've already admitted to being in the midst of an identity crisis, I've lost interest in most everything I supposedly love, and I'm struggling to stay afloat. These are some pretty good reasons to go back on them. Now that I've made the decision, I am relieved from the stress and anxiety about MAKING the decision. I'm nervous of course, but right now I need to do everything I can to stay physically healthy and mentally/emotionally strong.

2011 is halfway over. I still have time to turn this year around. Who knows? Maybe it will end up being one of the best I've ever had.

White Wine

2011-06-23T23:03:00.002-04:00

Sheesh!!

Holy crap, Monica. You were totally right! (Hugs!)

He read it.

2011-06-21T20:06:00.004-04:00

He responded saying he completely understands I need some time to think about things and he hopes I have a great week.

He's a good guy.

I just hope he's taking some time to think about (and act on) things, too.

A break.

2011-06-21T17:15:00.003-04:00

Things with MDLL and I have been going really well lately. He makes me so happy that I want to puke. Happy puke!

Unfortunately a few days ago he gave me an update on the new information. It was not what I wanted to hear. We talked about it for a while, but I couldn't seem to verbalize what I was feeling. Me! Words! None! Who am I??

We still had a fantastic weekend together, despite the newER information. It wasn't until I saw my parents on Sunday when something shifted.

My mom is a rage charmer. As soon as the anger-filled curse words fly out of her mouth, my rage wakes from its slumber and dances its way up through my soul. A headbanging hardcore dance. It is a horrible feeling, one that I only recently realized is not in my natural disposition. She taught me how to react this way to stress, anxiety, and fear. It is not who I am deep down.

I brought up MDLL a few times and she didn't say a word. As bad as her mouth gets, it's way worse when she's silent. I let her rip. My dad did, too.

It was upsetting, but I'm glad we talked about it. I cried of course, because that's what my rage snake does these days. I prefer tears over unmanageable anger.

After hours of stressing, I decided MDLL and I need a break this week. No texts, calls, hanging out, nothing. I wrote him an email telling him this yesterday, which I reread 17 times before finally deleting it this morning. I was driving myself crazy.

It was shitty of me to write him, but I couldn't bear talking to him about it. I didn't want to fall over my own words again. He rarely checks his email (Hotmail, hello 1998!*), so I'm not sure he even read it. I haven't heard from him since Sunday night, so he probably did. BLERG.

Negative feelings:
I'm disappointed with him for not being more open. I'm angry because I feel like I'm being punished. I'm sad because I'll ridiculously miss him this week. I'm worried this might be the beginning of the end for us. I'm scared to see what he chooses to do next. Either he'll fight for me or he won't.

Positive feelings:
I am very proud of how I've handled my emotions lately. I feel stronger than I have in a long time. Boys tend to make me fucking batty and it's been months since I went mental over him. I could have lost my shit three weeks ago and I didn't. Yay!

My only concern is how I handle myself this week without him. My track record shows that I do not manage these breaks very well. I must stay positive and healthy. I am going to treat myself to something nice every day this week. Tonight is therapy (I need it!), then I'm thinking a haircut, a pedicure, and some shopping. I really want to get new shoes and clothes. Oh right...gotta play the lottery, too.

Also, I'm trying to keep things in perspective. It's been hard this year with being sick and all, but I'm getting there. In sort of related news, I started following First World Pains on Twitter. It is all about yuppie asshole "problems", ie Starbucks fucked up your coffee order or your thumbs hurt from texting. It's hilarious how ridiculous I/we/they all sound compared to what the rest of the world is going through. It might help me in my own life:

"I hate that I have to buy all new pants because I lost so much weight!" #Iwantyourproblems

"My boss never talks to me." #Iwantyourjob

"I'm in love with my boyfriend, but I don't know if he loves me." #getahobby

"I've spent over $1,000 this year on doctors, procedures, therapy, vitamins, and medication." #atleastyoucanaffordit

"I'm bored and not reaching my true potential." #yourlifeissogoodthatyouthinkyouneedtogetmoreoutofit

Perspective!

*Rolo, you're allowed to have Hotmail still. Miss you!

Shannons

2011-06-08T13:37:00.004-04:00

I'm taking a mental health break for a moment. I shouldn't be typing considering how bad my carpal tunnel is today, but I need an outlet before I burst into tears.

I'm okay. I went to Primary (doctor) this morning. She is great. Her diagnosis is musculoskeletal inflammation and agrees with Neuro that I should see a Rheuma. Remember the days when nicknames were for random boys I was dating? Yeah, me neither.

So why do I want to cry?

One of the questions I repeatedly ask myself is "Why now?". Why would my health (both mental and physical) deteriorate at this point in my life? I've always been one to get rundown and have the occasional bout of depression or panic attack, but it's never been like this before.

It's because of Boob Saga. I am still not healed from the experience.

After I shared my story on Thighs I felt so much better. I felt at peace. It was the stress the months after that made it hard to let go - the pain, sleeping sitting up, fights with insurance and doctors' offices, feeling guilty and ashamed having to borrow money from my parents, etc. It wouldn't fucking end, then January came and the shit hit the fan.

Physical issues aside, I am having a massive identity crisis this year. I can't drink, so there goes Beer Lover Shannon. I need to rest and take it easy, so there goes Go Out at Night Shannon. I have to follow a strict diet, so there goes Fun Easy Food Shannon. I am now a consultant, so there goes Spontaneous Plans Shannon. I'm physically weak, so there goes Walking Around the City Taking Pictures Shannon. I am no longer a lot of Shannons: Floosie, Commitment-phobe, Supply Chain, Comic book reading, Journaling, Dancing, the list goes on. While I'm better off not being some of these selves anymore, no longer identifying myself as any of them is making me unsure of who I am at the moment.

There was another Me I was unaware of hiding deep down: Lopsided-Breasts Uni-Implant Frankenboob Shannon. I had no idea she existed until last summer. Before I could even get to know her she was gone and I became Natural Pretty Even Boobs Shannon. This is NOT a complaint. I'm glad it happened and am proud to be "normal". I'm just realizing now that I didn't spend enough time understanding who the old Me was or reflecting on her passing. I was that Shannon for 20 years, so while I might not miss her, there is a history.

I believe not addressing this loss of self lead to my extreme emotional stress. I wasn't equipped to handle it on my own, so the stress had no choice but to manifest itself physically in order to get my attention. I now know I need to focus on healing myself as a whole to get through this.

The gameplan is to make peace with all of my former selves, so that I can figure out who I am now. It's funny, I actually feel like a blank slate. I've never been this consciously aware of being at a pivotal and transformational point in my life.

Unfortunately there's this nagging fear I will feel 100% tomorrow, yet go back to the Self-Destructive Shannon I used to be. I have to trust I won't.

I trust that I will get better, I will do better, and I will be better.

I trust that I will allow myself to become the Shannon I was always meant to be.

Ahhh, Monday.

2011-06-06T15:06:00.001-04:00

I'm trying to focus, but all I want to do is goof off and email friends.

Last week was up and down health-wise. I had a ridiculous allergy cough for a few days, which I totally didn't mind since everyone is getting hit with bad allergies this year. It felt nice to have share an ailment with others for once! It was NOT nice to have aches, spasms, and pain again though.

It started with my foot on Tuesday. By Friday, my foot spasmed (the bone pops right out, then goes back), there was tearing pain in my calf, my carpal tunnel was the worst it has ever been, and my glands were swollen. Basically my whole right side of my body was inflamed for some reason. I've been living on Advil since.

I went to the neurologist that night since she's the one who found I have dead tibial motor nerve in both legs. She ran the test again (shocks shocks shocks) and it turns out my left is much better, but my right is still busted. She doesn't think the spasms are related to this though, so she said I should see a rheumatologist next. She also said I still have mono and I should be taking medication for it.

By the time I was done at the doctor's I was EXHAUSTED. It was a combination of physical and mental stress. It was fucking upsetting as hell to feel like shit again. I tried (am trying) to be positive and see this as a fluke and not a sign I am getting sicker, but it's hard. It's also hard to know which doctor to listen to at this point. I called my new primary for advice. She wants me to come in Wednesday. Come on answers and cure!!!

Thankfully I had a really great weekend, despite the pain. Saturday I went to Bucket's house for a BBQ and yesterday I saw X-Men: First Class with Juniper. The rest of the time I was with MDLL. Our favorite thing to do is eat tacos and watch action/lame movies from our youth. This weekend was Die Hard, Police Academy 5, and Tango and Cash. It's like a dream come true!!

I'm sure there will be some work down the road because of the "new information", but I'm okay with this. I love him, I love being with him, and I am happy he finally opened up to me. I am really, REALLY excited to see how things work out for us.

YAAAYYYY!!

OHMYGOSH!

2011-05-31T22:29:00.003-04:00

And the BEST news of the weekend...I DANCED IN MY LIVING ROOM!

Dancing with my headphones on has always been my safe place/thing to do. I haven't done it in months. MONTHS. I was so disconnected with my self while I was sick that I haven't missed it either.

Then all of a sudden on Sunday I was like I NEED TO DANCE. The confusion with MDLL plus me feeling better kicked in the urge. I downloaded some new tunes and went at it for about a half hour before I met MDLL out, then I danced another hour or so when I got home. I loved every minute of it.

When someone asks me if I'm a music person, I tend to say no. I don't seek new tunes, don't go to concerts, never know what the name of a song is or who sang it. It's so funny though because once I'm in my own little world dancing around, all I can think about is how wonderful it is to feel the music in my soul.

YAY!

Ha!

2011-05-31T22:15:00.003-04:00

Funny, Sunday night Mick and The Gentleman were hanging out at the bar about fifty feet away from me and MDLL. Mick and MDLL both grabbed me basically at the same time once I walked in, so they met. It wasn't a big deal. I thought it might be weird introducing The G-Man to him though so I didn't push it. The G-Man seemed a little sad, which made me feel bad. I still think he's really attractive, so I'm sure he'll find another lady soon enough. I hope so!

Only the beer garden could bring all of the guys I slept with in the past twelve months together. Then again that's what happens when you bang your neighbors.

Gah!

2011-05-31T22:04:00.001-04:00

I just killed two bugs. Not roaches, bugs.

I hate this weather!!! GAH!

New Information

2011-05-31T20:13:00.005-04:00

I had a very interesting weekend.

I learned some new information about MDLL. I'm not ready to share exactly what it is yet, which is funny since I probably told half of you individually anyways. It doesn't feel right to post about it as it's not my story to tell. Thighs is about me and my life, not his. Maybe I'll go into more detail once I know how it affects me.

So why even bring it up? A few reasons:

1. I am so, SO proud of the way I am reacting to the news. I feel very calm, mature, and levelheaded. It could have ruined the weekend, hell maybe even our relationship, but I didn't/don't want it to. After nine months of dating on and off, there's obviously something here. I'm not ready to throw in the towel.

2. I am excited about this journey. I feel like this is going to be a huge learning experience for the both of us. Hopefully we work through it and end up in a happy and committed relationship. If not, I am certain whatever we take from this will help our next one.

3. I've never felt this close to love before in my life. I can't imagine him NOT being my taco lobster. If he isn't, holy crap. Taco lobster love will be amazing then.

4. One of the things I am struggling with is the idea of full disclosure. He should have told me about this sooner, WAY sooner, but he didn't. Everyone I discussed this with agrees. I never thought I needed a dating "Need to know" file, probably because I've never dated someone who is this tightlipped about personal matters.

I didn't realize I needed to know this until I found out. Again, I'm sure you'd all agree with me on this point. Opinions would differ when it comes to how to react.

The thing is now I find myself wondering what in my life MDLL might file under "Need to know." There are a few things that may be hard to hear. I guess this is why I can understand not telling someone something you think would ruin a relationship.

Interestingly enough, it was MDLL's muteness that stopped me from sharing some of my "secrets" already. He made me realize I don't need to lay all of my cards out on the table and say "HEY! DEAL WITH THIS!" right away. I am enjoying saving chapters of my life (good and bad) for later because I WANT there to be a later with him.

Hmmmm....

Another good morning!

2011-05-25T09:01:00.001-04:00

Today is the first day all year I'm away for work and can actually appreciate being in a different city. I'm definitely getting better!

P.S.

2011-05-24T08:50:00.002-04:00

"Nice!" was also MDLL's response when I offered to be his own personal prostitute. I wonder how much I should charge him.

Nice!

2011-05-24T08:44:00.001-04:00

On train to Philly right now. I feel pretty good! Nice!

Admittedly...

2011-05-23T18:45:00.006-04:00

the chest pain is probably indigestion and anxiety.

I scarfed down a greek yogurt on the way to the subway.

I got upset because the commute to the first doctor's visit took forever, I got more upset when I couldn't walk, then even MORE upset after all the back and forth adding to my exhaustion. I haven't been able to get rid of this rock in my chest since.

It's now almost 7pm and I'm about to do work, then pack for Philly. I don't want to go.

In fact, I don't want to do anything except have sex with MDLL. I wonder if he would pay me, so that I can quit my job. I wonder if I'm that good...

SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX

My Day

2011-05-23T17:25:00.004-04:00

My day started at 6am. I was dead tired as I'm still not sleeping through the night. For over a week now I keep waking up every 3-4 hours either to adjust my boob (it's hurting again) or to pee. ANNOYING.

On Friday the doctor said I have a heart murmur and told me to go for an echocardiogram. I had to be there by 8am and after a slow subway ride and stupid cab ride, I made it just in time. Why a cab? My heart/chest was killing me. I had to walk from Broadway to 1st Ave (about 3/4 of a mile for you non-NYers) and I couldn't make it. I was completely winded, so I hopped into a cab about half way through only to get stuck in the midtown tunnel traffic. I was close, but still had to walk a bit. STUPID.

The doctor also gave me a DPT immunization on Friday. She said to call her if the injection site becomes red or bumpy. Guess what?? It did. OF COURSE.

The cardiologist's office was right by the doctor's office, so I called as soon as I was done with the hopes I can pop right in. No such luck. I stood on 34th Street for about a half hour waiting for a call back before heading up to midtown. I got to work at 10am. The doctor called a few minutes later asking me to come down again at 1pm. SHEESH.

My chest was still hurting at work, so I barely got anything done in the two hours I was there. Instead I IMed Bacon gossip from the weekend. It made me feel better. YAY!

The doctor looked at my arm said I have an infection at the injection site. I'm now on antibiotics. UNBELIEVABLE.

Today's travels included one cab ride, three subway rides, and four bus rides. METROCARD!

By the time I got back to Astoria I was exhausted. I dropped off my prescription, slept for an hour, picked up my prescription, ate, and am now blogging. I've done zero work. D'OH!

Funny news of the day? My bloodwork says I am healthy. Ha! Thyroid, cholesterol, vitamins, platelets, organs, etc. all good. Oddly enough, my mono levels have not changed though. The doctor said since I will always be a carrier of mono, it will always show up in my blood. She now believes I never had active mono and it is NOT the reason I've been sick all year. WHAAAA??

That brings us back to the candida/yeast overgrowth. I was really strict with my diet this weekend and started taking a probiotic. I felt pretty good!! I was able to go to both Bacon's party and Crazy Ass on Saturday. I had a couple of gin and tonics with TONS of water. A slight buzz, but nothing crazy. The last thing I need is a hangover these days. Yesterday I saw Bridesmaids (HYSTERICAL! GO!) and then went to MDLL's. I was in bed by 10:30pm, but again, didn't sleep well. TIRED.

Now just gotta wait and see what happens with the echocardiogram, the shot infection, and the usual lightheadedness, exhaustion and chest pain. SIGH.

Rapture!

2011-05-21T12:28:00.002-04:00

Soooo what is the deal with today? Are we all going to die or is it just Christians? I'd Google it, but religious fanatics frighten me.

If for whatever reason we don't make it, here are my parting thoughts:

Quinoa is like corn. I can see it in my poop.

The end.

Thanks Verizon Wireless!

2011-05-20T17:45:00.003-04:00

I rarely ever go over my 450 peak minutes, except when I'm having a nervous breakdown and call, of all people, my mother.

With working from home and traveling I almost went over a couple of weeks ago, so I quickly upped my minutes to the next level. Unfortunately it didn't go through immediately, so Verizon charged me an extra $50.

One quick phone call and they removed the charge because they realized it was a timing issue between when I increased my minutes and the overage. It helped that I've never been late on a payment for ten years.

Thanks Verizon Wireless! I've always loved your service.

A couple of things though:

1. You should make a note on the "Increase Your Minutes" link that it takes a day to activate.

2. It's a shame you don't do roll-over minutes. I'd probably have a million. This is probably why you don't offer it, huh?

A good day!

2011-05-20T16:18:00.002-04:00

I was super upset about not having celiac. I know that must sound/read weird, but it's the truth. I wanted to have it because it was an answer to everything that has gone wrong this year. It also would have meant I was right, something I haven't felt in a long time.

That changes today! I dumped my male chauvinist fuckface primary doctor group and went to Bacon's primary this morning. This doctor was FANTASTIC. She listened to my story, asked a lot of questions, and without hesitation said she most definitely thinks I have a yeast overgrowth. Back to candida!!

She told me to go on a strict yeast-free diet for a week and to come back next week to discuss how I feel. I've basically been eating yeast and gluten-free for a month now, so it's not that bad at all! I was looking forward to having a beer tomorrow night at Crazy Ass's anniversary party, but no can do. I can drink vodka and gin, so at least that's something. Yeah, yeah. I don't have to drink AT ALL, but it's been three weeks! Momma could use a good buzz.

I feel GOOD. Sure I was lightheaded and shit this morning, but right now I am A-OK.

Other things to feel good about:

1. I made it into the office four days this week. (I skipped today for the doctor's appointment.) Yay! Iron (my boss) has been so kind and understanding about all of this. She wrote a really nice email the other day saying she hopes the job isn't stressing me out and making me feel worse because she loves me and would hate to lose me! HOW AWESOME IS THAT? I'll be in Philly with her next Tuesday and Wednesday. I'm looking forward to it, although I am a tad nervous about traveling again. Getting sick while away on business is the worst. I wouldn't wish it on anyone!

She also invited me to a conference in DC the week of June 12th. I'm getting business cards and shirts with the company logo on it. I'm dork-cited!!

2. Therapy is going really well. I love Cee. I'm not ready to share anything yet, but I will eventually. We're going to meet every Tuesday night. If I'm away for work will do a phone call instead. There's also a focusing workshop the last Saturday of every month that I'm really looking forward to attending. It feels good to be back.

3. Last but certainly not least, MDLL. I'm in love. LOVE LOVE LOVE. I never thought it could be like this. I'm so impulsive and reactionary and impatient and - what's the nice word for being those things? - passionate that I've never allowed anything to grow organically. Not a thing. Not even the marijuana seeds I planted in my parents' backyard. I got bored and dug them up after a week. A funny thing happened, though. I must have missed a few seeds because around a year later I noticed a little seven inch pot plant by the fence. SOMEHOW the damn thing grew without me staring at it or trying to will it out of the ground.

It's the same thing with MDLL. Our relationship is slowly turning into something I've never experienced before and can't quite yet describe. It grew the minute I stopped trying to force it to grow, on it's own time. Maybe this is what dating is like for patient people? Who knows. All I do know is MDLL makes me much happier and higher than weed ever did.

73

2011-05-19T22:56:00.003-04:00

I told MDLL about my spending tracker.

"You write down everything?"

"Like 99% of what I bought for the last two and half years, even Peppermint Patties from the vending machines."

"Peppermint Patties?"

"Yeah, I was a bit addicted."

"Well...how many did you buy?"

The addiction started in May 2010 and ended this year.

I bought 73 Peppermint Patties in seven months.

Is that a lot?

I do NOT have celiac.

2011-05-11T12:44:00.003-04:00

I am crushed. I really thought this was the answer. The doctor called three hours ago. I haven't stopped crying since.

I don't know what to do. I really don't. Do I give up now and just live in a constant state of exhaustion and stress over what to eat? Do I keep pretending I have it to be on the safe side? There is no FUCKING WAY I am eating bread because if I have another FUCKING reaction and it turns out to be FUCKING NOTHING AGAIN I will CUT A BITCH.

You know what I want to fucking do? I want to run away and never look back.

Thanks Celestial Seasonings!

2011-05-08T15:35:00.003-04:00

This makes me feel better...

"If we are facing in the right direction, all we have to do is keep on walking." - Buddhist Proverb

Black Swan

2011-05-08T11:15:00.000-04:00

Not the best movie to watch if you're someone who questions their sanity on a daily basis and has been on apartment-rest for over two weeks.

Yikes.

It's all happening!

2011-05-07T11:12:00.002-04:00

Okay, maybe my health woes are coming to an end! Yay!

Wednesday I got pretty sick again. I was fine after a greek yogurt, then got sick after eggs, red pepper, and feta. I honestly didn't think any of that would be an issue, but that's the problem. I won't know what's an issue until it is one!

I was so uncomfortable and out of it that I called the gastroenterologist with the hopes I can get the upper endoscopy done sooner. I figured it was best to go in while I felt like shit. Luckily she had an opening Thursday afternoon. A big thanks to my heatherosexual life partner Florence Bacongale who picked me up and took care of me afterwards. (I couldn't leave on my own because of the anesthesia.)

The doctor found I have gastritis in my stomach and atrophic mucosa in my duodenum. That last bit means my intestinal villi are flattened. This is a key indicator of...wait for it...CELIAC! Woo hoo! I'm possibly not crazy! My blood tests came back negative for it, but the best way to tell is taking a biopsy. Fingers crossed the results tell me SOMETHING! GAH!

From the little research I've done on celiac (I'm trying my best to stay off the interwebs to keep my anxiety in check), there is a link between it and mono, stress, AND a vitamin B12 deficiency. I have all three. I also read that the villi absorb nutrients and help digest simple sugars, which may also be the reason why I can't seem to handle any sugar at all. The villi also help to digest lactose, so it's possible the combo of the red pepper and the feta was a big no no.

Since Wednesday I've been eating pretty bland, one thing at a time to pinpoint what is an issue or not. My diet is basically greek yogurt, eggs, chicken, steak, veggies, and a little fruit. I lost another three pounds this week. I'm happy and not happy about it. I mean, it's great to lose weight but I don't want to be afraid to eat! I'm going to brunch in a couple of hours and I'm a bit nervous about it. I just need to get used to reading menus and planning what I'm going to eat beforehand. It's really not a big deal in the grand scheme of things!

Obviously I'm already on the celiac boat. Watch the biopsies say I don't have it. It just seems way too coincidental that I get sick after bread. I now don't think the Valtrex had anything to do with my sickness two weeks ago. I really think it was the beer, pumpernickel bread, and muesli with fruit. Stupid ass me thought muesli was made of oats. Boy was I wrong!! I went food shopping this morning and read a box of it. It has wheat, barley, and rye the three worst possible things a celiacan (is that the right word?) can eat!!! MORON!! No wonder I got so sick!!

I don't understand why I am really sensitive to it ever since the Valtrex though. In January I was only sick a few days each time, but this seems to be dragging on. ANY bit of gluten or sugar seems to be fucking with me. I haven't been able to do much of anything. Work is piling up like crazy and I can't be bothered. I don't even watch TV, I just sit around and talk to myself. It's my favorite pastime.

Yesterday I was super sore and uncomfortable all day. It turns out there was a lot of air in my intestines, so once that cleared (by way of fartage) I was fine.

Sorry this blog has become a boring health story. I'm still funny, I swear!! Funny looking anyways.

Bacon gave me some tough love this week, which I desperately needed. She said I have a 10pm bedtime for the next two weeks and I am not allowed to have MDLL stay over or stay at his place because he keeps me up with his snoring. While I hate that I can't go out and do what I want, Bacon is absolutely right. I need rest and time to heal.

To make myself feel better, I set a party goal. I'd like to be in good shape for Crazy Ass's anniversary party on May 21st. By then I should definitely know the issue and the triggers. My beer drinking days might be over, but I will always be a bar girl!!

Weekly Update

2011-05-03T15:12:00.004-04:00

My 2011 sickness refuses to fucking end.

I was home on bed/couchrest for a full week. I tried to work, but I didn't have the focus or energy. When I did feel up to doing anything, I'd take walks around the neighborhood. Some days it was hard, some days it wasn't. Thankfully the weather was gorgeous.

I was feeling better over the weekend then WHAM. Last night I got hit with the shit again. I don't know what's happening! It can't possibly be the Valtrex (go ahead and laugh, I still do) at this point, so it must be digestive.

Yesterday was the first day I went back to work, so I knew I would be exhausted. I left at 4pm, napped until 6pm, then woke up feeling horribly fatigued and rundown. Janeypants and I were supposed to meet up, but she was nice enough to come by my place instead. We talked for a while, I packed for Philly, then I went to bed. I woke up around 12:30am with everything hurting: my stomach, chest, head, neck, arm, knees, foot. I was up all night.

I seriously think I have problems digesting sugar. I had beer for the first time over the weekend. Right before I got tired yesterday I had a banana and an aloe vera drink that I didn't realize contained honey and sugar. Other than that I've been sticking to proteins. The one thing that makes me feel awesome after I eat is a bacon cheeseburger wrapped in lettuce. No joke. I've had four in the past week. Remind me of this when I have high cholesterol next month.

Obviously I can't self-diagnose anymore, so I went to a gastroenterologist this morning. Next week I'm going for an upper endoscopy to find out once and for all what is going on. ANSWERS PLEASE!

The good news is I seem to have my anxiety about all of this under control. I didn't panic last night and I made the quick (and right) decision this morning to cancel on the Philly trip. Of course, now I'm a bit worried I will be fired but fuck it. Worse things can happen, like oh I don't know, death by undiagnosed mystery ailment.

I did have a few panicky moments last week. I was alone in my apartment for four days straight, so of course I went a little nuts. It was mainly about MDLL of course. It always is. I feel like he's going to get sick of me being sick and stop wanting to hang out. Truthfully there is no reason to think this. He's been so fucking awesome! Two weekends ago when I was super sick he spent all day Saturday and Sunday with me watching TV. (Eastbound and Down is the funniest shit ever!) This past weekend I had the energy to go out for a bit so we hung out at his place Friday, texted all day Saturday, and walked around the neighborhood and hung at Delilah on Sunday.

Needless to say it's been very rough to be sick for four months and not know what's wrong. I made it through thanks to Bakes, Juniper, Jarv, Rocks and Tron. If it weren't for them I don't know where I'd be.

I have to give a special thanks to MDLL for helping me through the past couple of weeks. Getting super sick again almost crushed me, even with knowing I have mono. Having him around makes me feel good. It's been a long time since I've felt anything other than sick.

I am so incredibly happy when we're together. In the past he was the cause of a lot of stress and frustration, but now, when I really do need him, he's here. For that I am thankful. I know it might not always be like this, so I am cherishing every moment while I can. He's been a really good friend and I truly hope one day I am able to return the favor.

Being positive...

2011-04-22T18:44:00.002-04:00

Apparently I'm not done writing yet. It feels good to write.

Here are a few positive things:

1. I'm down to 168 pounds. I haven't weighed this little (why does that sound weird?) since 2005. I'm flabby as fuck, but that's because I haven't worked out in almost a year. Damn chubby appendages.

2. Thankfully I have a job where I can work from home. I asked for a laptop at Minnow once, you know, to actually OFFER to work nights and weekends when I was on the Oracle project and they said no. I DON'T WORK THERE ANYMORE! YIPPEE!

3. I can watch movies and read.

4. The bucket list I mentioned in my earlier post doesn't exist, but when I was at my lowest this week, these are the thoughts that popped into my head:

I never went to art school.

I never went around the world.

I never fell in love and got married.

I never published my own comic.

I never gave myself the satisfaction of being proud of my body by wearing a bathing suit without shorts. (I almost wrote bikini, but I don't think that will ever happen.)

I never let go and allowed myself to love me and my life to the fullest.

There's my bucket list. This is positive because now I know where to focus my energy once I have it back.

5. I am grateful for my parents. They have and would drop anything to help me. After all we've been through, I realize now I am very lucky to have them.

I love my therapist.

2011-04-22T18:32:00.003-04:00

I haven't seen Cee since September. I am long overdue for a session so she and I have been playing phonetag to set up an appointment. I emailed her yesterday to tell her what was going on and that I'd call her back as soon as I can. She responded with this just now:

Dear Thighs,

It sounds that you have been having a very challenging year! Keep your good spirit up and let this dis-ease pass you.

Try not to hate it. Hate is a force and when we try to force something we get resistance. See if you can approach it "with ease".

I am sending good energy and thoughts your way. Call me when you are ready.

Much Love
Cee

I feel better.

I want it back.

2011-04-22T17:01:00.009-04:00

As crazy as it sounds, I was thrilled to find out I have mono. I am no longer thrilled.

I've written about my frustrations with being sick and not knowing what was wrong, but truthfully I haven't written as much as I wanted to the last couple of months fearing I'd sound like a whiny, ungrateful, depressed hypochondriac.

Well, fuck it.

I HATE THIS. I HATE THIS FUCKING YEAR. I HATE FEELING LIKE SHIT. I HATE THAT I CAN'T DO WHAT I FUCKING WANT TO DO.

Friday I felt better than I have in months. Just knowing what was wrong helped lift my spirits. I was Happy with a capital H.

Saturday I started my medication. My hysterical and embarrassing medication. The neurologist prescribed me Valtrex. HA! Apparently it helps ease the symptoms of Epstein-Barr, chronic fatigue, and mono. I was on herpes meds for the kissing disease. Oh you!

Notice I wrote "was on." Sunday MDLL and I went out for an early dinner. I felt really good until about halfway through my meal when I got queasy. I thought maybe it was the sliver of pumpernickel bread and third of a margarita combined with the meds, so I stopped eating. A few hours later I was in the same anxious, woozy, and lightheaded state I frequently was earlier this year. It sucked. Unfortunately I couldn't relax because I needed to pack for my four day business trip to Philly. Timing is an amazing concept.

Monday I felt okay. I was able to make it to Philly and focus at work for the most part. By the evening I was a mess again. As soon as I ate dinner I passed out. It was scary how sudden it happened.

Tuesday was a little better. I decided to decrease my dosage from four pills a day down to two. I'm glad I did because Wednesday was a shit show.

I ate breakfast (muesli with currants, apple slices, cranberries). The neurologist also said to take B12 everyday so at around 10:30am I took it with a banana and a little coffee. About an hour later I got sick. I couldn't get out of my chair. I was so woozy I was afraid to stand up. At noon everyone left to go to lunch and I just sat there wondering if I should go to the hospital. My throat closed up, I couldn't focus, my heart was pounding because I was in a full blown panic. I finally managed to get up and walk to where everyone was eating lunch by doing some lamaze breathing along the way. I thought maybe I just needed to eat something, but once I got into the conference room and looked at the food I knew I had to leave. I turned to this one really nice woman who knew I had mono and said I need to lay down. She took one look at me and said go to the hotel and call us if you need anything.

I got to the hotel and started hysterically crying. I'm not quite sure how to describe how I felt. There's no pain, just this horrible wave of exhaustion, nausea, and anxiety. I didn't know if I should call an ambulance or what, so I did what most helpless 33 year old single women do. I called my mom. After much debate we decided since I didn't have the energy to leave on my own my dad would come get me. That's twice this year he came to my rescue.

Around 2:30pm I had just enough energy to pack, check out, and call Iron (my boss in case you forgot) to tell her what happened. I was so embarrassed, but there wasn't any choice. She was really nice about it, even offered to come get me herself. Thank Shizza.

At 3pm I decided I needed to eat something again. I'm still off the bread, so whenever I order a sandwich I just eat the insides. I had some turkey, cheese, lettuce, and tomato. Why am I telling you everything I ate that day? Because BOOM, I was sick immediately after I ate again.

I got to Jackson around 7pm. The rest of the night I just laid there and cried. All of my symptoms from this year came back. I couldn't sleep so since the Valtrex knocks me out I decided to take one pill at 1am. It worked.

The next morning I felt like shit again, so my mom said enough is enough and took me to the ER. She was worried that my spleen was enlarged because apparently that happens with mono. The doctor said my organs are fine, stop taking the Valtrex and get plenty of rest and fluids. I told her how it only seems to happen when I eat and that I thought I had candida and/or celiac earlier this year. She said it's a possibility since both are common in people with autoimmune diseases. If I did have candida, it could lower my immunity. It's also possible the medication is contributing to a yeast overgrowth. I can't fucking win.

My mom brought me back to Queens yesterday afternoon. My insides and mind are a fucking wreck. I feel as bad as I did in January when I first thought I had a food intolerance. I still have no idea if it was actually the Valtrex that did this or what, so only time will tell once it leaves my system. I've called my neurologist four times since Wednesday and I still haven't heard back from her. I didn't think she was an asshole.

There's nothing I can do now except watch what I eat, drink lots of water, and rest. I'm trying my best to be positive about all of this. Well, trying NOT to be negative. It's not working.

I fucking hate that I can't go out, can't give my all at work, can't fucking eat or drink anything without fear of getting sicker. I wanted to start going to the gym this week and buy a bike for the bike tour, but at this point isn't worth doing since walking up the block to Rite Aid was hard enough. I'm worried that I've annoyed all of my friends with yet another episode of ridiculous health shit. I'm worried that MDLL is going to get bored with me always being sick and go out and meet someone else. I'm worried I'm going to get fired. I'm worried that I'm never going to feel any better and I've wasted my life being drunk rather than checking things off my bucket list.

Okay...I know I'm not dying. I don't have cancer, I don't have MS, I have mono. It happens. But four months of living like this does not feel like living at all. It feels like shit.

So there you have it. This is me being a whiny, ungrateful, depressed hypochondriac. Well I guess I'm not a hypochondriac because I actually know I have mono now, but whatever. Every fucking week something was wrong this year and I can't imagine the mono was the cause of all of it...

I seriously can't take this anymore. I want my fucking life back.