Drunk text the ex

Okay, I can't believe I'm sharing this but I need to shame myself to stop drunk texting MDLL.  Here is what I wrote:

11/24, 04:17pm - "I love yousomuch! I wish you loved me enough to get shit done!"

11/24, 11:22pm - "I wasted. Wooould you like to snuggle?"

11/25, 12:51am - "I love you as a Matthew!"

11/25, 01:05am - "Home. Drunk. Missing you. Waked!"

11/25, 01:07am - "Come here?"

Sigh. I won't share his responses, but they were nice. Thankfully I was already passed out when he said he'd come over.

Slapsgiving Weekend!

Oh HIMYM...how I wish you'd fucking meet the mother already! GAH!!

My Thanksgiving weekend was excellent.  On Thursday I went to Rock and Row's for a lovely turkey and vodka feast, as well as some Dance Central with the X-Box Kinect. I'm tempted to ask Santa for one!

Friday Juniper and I went on a little boat cruise around downtown and the Statue of Liberty. It was the perfect weather for it, too!!  Afterwards we had a delicious meal at JJ's, my favorite sushi restaurant in Astoria. I'd say all of NYC, but I've rarely given other sushi places a chance!

Saturday was jammed pack:  brunch with Megkefel and Socks in Chelsea, dinner with Breen in Forest Hills, then drinks with Hugs, Stevie, and Jarv back in the AQ.  I drank for around 12 hours straight.  It was fun, but I was deee-runk.

Sunday I did nothing.  I needed the rest. The only time I left my couch was to go food shopping. I had a hankering for a turkey sandwich.  It's still so odd to me to eat sammies again, even though gluten-free bread has been a readily available option this whole time.  In fact, I've been eating more GF pastries in general - bagels, pies, a cupcake - every once in a while.  I try to stay away though because if I don't miss the carbs, why waste the calories?

Oh calories. I hate you. I've officially gained all of my weight back, which is obviously due to the binge drinking and face-stuffing.  I finally caved and bought some new pants that actually fit versus wearing the painfully small ones.  I'm disappointed with myself, but what else is new when it comes to my weight?? 

Good news, MDLL and I are still broken up. Bad news, any time I drink I contact him.  I saw him Thursday night then drunk called/texted the rest of the weekend.  Actually I was sober Sunday when I texted him only because I had no idea what I said to him on Saturday.  I might have to hide my phone for the next few weeks.

The days I'm sober, mainly Monday - Wednesday, I am sad. Super sad. I cried last night and I'm bumming today.  To break it down:

1. I do not not NOT want to get back together with MDLL.  I really don't.  He is not the person I want to settle down with.

2. I want to settle down with someone who is everything MDLL is, as well as proactive, driven, and ready for a serious relationship.  I'm worried I'll never meet him or will have to wait another 10+ years to fall in love again.

3. I absolutely postively miss having MDLL as my best friend. It sucks not being able to text him about the Giants game or tell him about my day or just hang out and do nothing.  Last night I was watching HIMYM and thought how nice it would have been to be snuggling with MDLL on my couch.  Then I realized, no, it would just be nice to be snuggling with the guy I'm in love with, not MDLL.  I think? Whatever. Basically it sucked laying there on my own.

4. Part of me thinks I should be really pissed off at MDLL for rejecting me because, if I'm honest with myself, that's exactly what he did.  I'm not angry though.  I don't want to be angry because it's not going to do me any good.  I feel like if I'm mad it will stall all of these other emotions I eventually need to go through anyway.

5. Juniper and I discussed how it's possible MDLL is in denial about this break-up.  He probably thinks this is the same situation as our other ones and I'll come running back in a few weeks.  I will not. This is SO incredibly different. Granted, drunk dialing/texting isn't convincing him otherwise, but I'll get there. One day.

UUUGGGGHHHHHUUUGGGHHHHUUUGGGHHH.....I hate this... 

Every Thanksgiving I am grateful for my friends. Hell, every day really!  This year though I am SUPER thankful I have so many wonderful and supportive buds helping me through this break-up. I love you all!

I love my boss.**

Via text message.  First some work stuff, then....

Iron: Sounds good! You ok? [Ed note: about MDLL]

Me:  Yes, thanks!! Totally getting pumped for Christmas.

Me:  Wait...that reads poorly. Ha ha! EXCITED for Christmas. LOL!

Iron:  Me too. I am hoping to do some decorating this weekend.

Iron:  Well maybe if you are lucky you will get pumped too! Hahahhahahaha.



**It only took ten years to happen!! YAY ME!

Night Eater

In funnier news, have I mentioned I grind my teeth in my sleep?  I swear it seems worse after I went back on Auntie D, which doesn't make any sense.  I should feel calmer!

I've been wearing a mouthguard for a while now.  I don't know why, but the last few weeks have become pretty interesting...

I keep having dreams I am eating, then I wake up chewing on the guard!!  One night I dreamt I had a mouth full of spaghetti.  Last night I dreamt MDLL left an "I'm-sorry-we-broke-up-let's-be-friends" burger on my dresser.  I don't know what the hell that means, but when I saw the burger I was like "Awwww...that's so nice."  I bit into the bun wondering if it was gluten-free, decided it wasn't and spit it out.

Now that I think about it, I've had food dreams ever since I went GF. Usually I'm eating something I shouldn't like bread, pasta, cookies, etc.  I guess the mouthguard has nothing to do with it, except now I end up chewing on it.

"I'm a Mog. Half man, half dog. I'm my own best friend."

Stage Guilt

MDLL and I spoke last night as a sober follow-up to my drunken call on Sunday.  It went fine, although now I feel incredibly guilty.

I know, I know...there's nothing to feel guilty about it.  I did the best I could.  I just feel bad that it wasn't enough.

I told MDLL how I feared a lifetime of kicking-and-screaming battles with him.  Moving in together, getting married, having a kid, raising the kid.  I can't shake the idea he would have called off our wedding or worse, left me at the altar.  This is horrible.

There's nothing MDLL specifically did to warrant this notion.  He is a good, caring, sensitive man with a lot of love to give.  The problem with our relationship was the things he didn't or couldn't do, which is move forward not only with me, but in general.

It hurt him to hear this. It hurts me I wasn't able to help him with whatever he's going through.  But, that's the problem too.  This whole time I've assumed he's "going through" something.  What if he's not going through anything?  What if this has always been MDLL?  Was I trying to "save" someone who never needed to be saved?  It's all so confusing. 

I love love LOVE MDLL and I absolutely want the best for him.  I hate hurting him, I hate he hurt me, and I hate we had to break-up.  I hate how I wouldn't give up on him, yet I'm very proud I tried too.  It crossed my mind I Costanza-ed him into falling for me...

"I'm like a commercial jingle. First it's a little irritating. Then you hear it a few times. You're humming it in the shower. By the third date, it's 'Buy Mennen!'"

...except it took him seven months to "Buy Thighs!"

Christ, why the fuck is this so hard??  Hanging out, having fun, and loving each other was SUPER easy, but once our baggage was out in the open it was stuck on the conveyor.

I must be in the denial stage too because I can't believe we're done.  I can't believe I'm single again.  I am not looking forward to going through this with someone else, which is exactly what MDLL must be feeling when he thinks of getting remarried.

I decided I am going to be boy-free for a while.  I need some breathing room. 

Just breathe.

Obviously not okay...

I'm fine, I'm not, I'm fine, I'm not. 

I made the mistake of being planless this weekend.  Thankfully Noon was free Friday night and Stevie, Hugs, and Jarv were around yesterday.  When I was by myself, I felt lonelier than I ever have before.  I cried a lot. Big soul cries. It felt good to let it out, except when I was crying on the subway and people were looking at me. Nothing to see here, folks.

MDLL has been on my mind and in my heart for the last two years.  It's weird not having him in either place now or at least not admitting to myself he's still there.  I feel him missing. It's like wearing a hat all day, then taking it off but still feeling like it's on. 

I got wasted with the girls last night and called him.  We spoke for 40 minutes and I have no recollection of what was said.  When I sobered up at 4am in the morning I screamed NOOOOOOO! once I remembered the call. I immediately texted him an apology.  I'm such an asshole.

Juniper said I shouldn't feel badly about it.  She's right, of course.  Plenty of people drunk call their exes. I just can't make it a habit.

I'm not sure I miss him.  I probably do, but again, just pretending I don't.  I do miss having someone to love and think about, though. 

**WARNING! Overly dramatic statement alert**

My life feels so empty now.

EEEEE-EEERRRR-EEEEEE-EEEERRRR (How do you write out a siren noise?)

Sorry, I have to be a drama queen for a second. 

EMPTY, MY LIFE IS EMPTY! I HATE YOU MDLL YOU ARE THE WORST I CAN'T BELIEVE I LOVED YOU. NOW I HAVE NOTHING AND YOU ARE A SHITHEAD AND YOU PROBABLY ALREADY GOT LAID THIS WEEKEND BECAUSE I FIND YOU VERY ATTRACTIVE ESPECIALLY SINCE YOU GREW A BEARD AND OTHER WOMEN THINK YOU ARE HOT. THIS IS NOT HELPING ME FEEL BETTER BUT THE CAPS LOCK IS MAKING ME YELL IN MY HEAD AS I TYPE THIS AND IT IS FUN. MY UNCLE JOHN ALWAYS WRITES HIS FACEBOOK POSTS IN CAPS AND IT IS SO ANNOYING TO READ. I HOPE THIS IS NOT ANNOYING.  EXCEPT I DO HOPE IT'S ANNOYING BECAUSE FUCK YOU WORLD. LIFE SUCKS.

Ha. I'm giggling. You guys, I need help.  More help than weekly therapy and 100mgs of Zoloft, apparently.  I also really need to find my inner "I've had too much" flag because I drank and ate myself (ew) into oblivion three times in the past week. At least when I drank beer I'd get full. Now that I only really drink vodka, I don't have any reason to stop.  Oh, except for my life, liver, well-being, budget, calories, etc.  Look at that, I have plenty of reasons to stop. Yay!

STOP FUCKING GETTING SO DRUNK THAT YOU CALL YOUR EX. HE IS A DICKCUNT FOR BEING A USELESS YET SEXY AND COMFORTING LAZYBALLS. I'D LIKE TO PUNCH HIM IN HIS FACE AND I WANT VISITATION RIGHTS TO CRAZY ASS BECAUSE IT WAS MY BAR BEFORE IT BECAME HIS LIVING ROOM.

I'm so angry and hungover. This is stupid. This post is stupid. Actually I like writing it though. I don't really want to stop writing, but I should do some work. I don't want to though.  I'm only working today and tomorrow and it's super quiet at the office right now so I should just keep typing long run-on sentences and stop using a period to end them becasue why stop now and why are menstruation periods called periods anyways?  I used a question mark.

 

Why is a period called a period

wiki.answers.com › ... › Health › Women's Health › MenstruationCached

 

You +1'd this publicly. Undo

It's a shorter way of saying "menstrual period" as opposed to other kinds of periods, such as orbital periods, periods of time, etc.

Thanks, Google. I HATE MDLL. I WANT LOVE. I WANT A BOYFRIEND. I WANT TO HAVE A BABY.

Yes, I am baby crazy. I am so fucking scared to have one, though. 

I really hope I meet someone awesome. Please, Shizza???

Strangely okay...

Wednesday was a rough day, but a very fun night.  I hung out with friends from Crazy Ass at a bar near me and had a blast.  It was nice to hear their thoughts on my and MDLL's break-up. Basically the consensus is he's a moron for fucking this all up.  I agree to a point.

Yes, he's stupid for not getting a divorce and breaking my heart.  You know what, though?  I think he did me a favor.  The rose-colored love blinders are off.  I'm finally seeing our relationship clearly now.

We were absolutely in love and I am not going to take that away from us.  The thing is we were absolutely on the wrong page.  I knew this, but it never hit home with me.  For the first time in my adult life I was ready for a serious relationship.  For the first time in his adult life he was single and figuring out who he is after a failed marriage.  If I wanted a casual relationship with him, it would have been fine. In fact, it WAS fine, except when I brought up his divorce or our future.  Deep down, I knew something was wrong and I think MDLL did, too. 

One thing that always struck me as odd - it never looked right whenever I wrote my first name with his last as if we were married.  For a while I thought it meant I want to keep my maiden name and stay Thighs McGee. Now I can't help wonder if it actually meant I knew we shouldn't be together.  I know this sounds like a silly teenage girl way to decide if I've met The One, but I was so head over heels for the guy that you'd think I couldn't wait to take his name. It wasn't even something stupid like Weiner or Mannon either!!

After changing my perspective the past couple of days, I find myself strangely okay about this break-up. Confident even!! I don't think there is anything I could have done better with MDLL.  I gave it my absolute all and I am VERY proud.  After being single all of these years, I not only feared I was damaged goods who would never find love, but I also feared my emotional issues would hurt my relationships. I now know I am a respectful, kind, caring, and sensitive girlfriend who can have tough conversations without letting my ragesnake loose.  I had every right to lace into MDLL to get him to take action, but I knew fighting wouldn't fix us. Having grown up in a combative home, I want to do my best to ensure my family lives in a safe, loving, and empowering one.

I am wiser and more secure in my ability to find true love than I ever have been before. It's so exciting!!  I'm not ready to get back out there yet by any means, but I know someone fantastic is out there waiting for me.  And I can't wait to meet him.

Struggling

I'm really struggling this week.  Why do I always seem to break-up with MDLL right before my period?  It makes it so much worse.

I keep writing him emails and immediately deleting them.  There's nothing left to say at this point.  I can tell him I never want to speak to him again, but that's pretty immature and counter-intuitive.  I'm sure my silence speaks volumes.

It's only been a week since we broke up, five days since I last saw him, and three days since I hate-texted.  It feels like an eternity already, like I should be over him by now.  Why is love in dog years??

Tonight I'm hanging out with mutual friends on my side of town, nowhere near Crazy Ass.  Well, nowhere near it in lazy people geography. In reality it's only a mile away from him, but there is zero chance he will make the "trek".  I want to punch him in his stupid feet.  I don't know what that means...

Keepbusykeepbusykeepbusykeepbusykeepbusykeepbusykeepbusykeepbusykeepbusykeepbusykeepbusykeepbusykeepbusykeepbusykeepbusykeepbusykeepbusykeepbusykeepbusykeepbusykeepbusykeepbusy

I'd get a dog if I wasn't going to be travelling for work soon. Did I mention LA client is a go?  Also, Iron is going to London for two weeks in December for another client.  She said she'd fly me out for a couple of days, so we can hang, but I doubt it will happen. OH SHIT. I think my passport expires soon. 

keepbusykeepbusykeepbusykeepbusykeepbusykeepbusykeepbusykeepbusykeepbusykeepbusykeepbusykeepbusykeepbusykeepbusykeepbusykeepbusykeepbusykeepbusykeepbusykeepbusykeepbusykeepbusy

Post Breakup Fun (PBF)!

Thanks so much for the kind words and support about the break-up.  Breakup or break-up? Whatever. Hopefully this will be the last one of my life!

I'm obviously a plethora of emotions right now.  I'm lonely, sad, embarrassed, scared, disappointed, proud, empowered, mad, the list goes on.  Thankfully Therapy Thursdays are back, plus my doctor recommended I double my anti-depressant dosage. I was hesitant, but I trust her.  She pointed out my drinking/eating binges and lack of motivation are key indicators I'm depressed again and have been for a while.  She's right, of course.  I haven't been well since June.

To help get over MDLL once and for all, I've decided to drown my sorrows in....


wait for it...


movies!!  It's a healthy and sober alternative to my preferred choices of escapism.  I'm banging through (heh) my Netflix queue and hitting the theater with a vengeance.  Some recent flicks and my highly insightful, long, drawn out reviews...

Theaters

Wreck-It Ralph -  SO FUN. I loved it. Great for thirty-somethings who remember the old video games.

Skyfall - Nothing special, but Javier Bardem was great.

Rope, a rereleased 1948 Hitchcock film -  Okay. Film students would appreciate how it was shot though.

Cloud Atlas, Lincoln, and The Birds this week!  (Look how fancy I'm being with the italics!)

Streaming

The Cabin in the Woods - EXCELLENT. I don't like scary movies anymore, but this is so much more than a scary movie.

9 to 5 - Very funny. Amazing how women in the workplace have come so far and yet haven't gotten anywhere. Dolly Parton rules.

Manhattan - I loved Woody Allen movies as a kid and it's fun to watch them again as an adult. Yes, he's out of his mind, but who isn't?  Also, I love seeing old NYC.

Heathers - Another fun flick from my youth. Who are the Winona Ryders and Christian Slaters of this generation?

Boogie Man: The Lee Atwater Story - I am so happy I'm into politics and current events now. So adult!  Rippie recommended this documentary about the RNC campaign manager in the Bush Sr. years. Fascinating and disturbing.

Wal-Mart: The High Cost of Low Price - I can't believe Wal-Mart gets away with abusing their employees and ruining small communities.  I am so glad there aren't any in the city.

Timer - A fun and thoughtful sci-fi rom-com. A device implanted into your wrist tells you the exact date and time you will meet your soulmate.  I wasn't feeling the lead actress, but the concept is genius.

Dial M for Murder - I've always been a big Hitchcock fan and I'm having fun watching them all again. This movie is brilliant.

Under the Boardwalk: The Monopoly Story - No joke, there is a HUGE international Monopoly championship every few years.  This 19 year old kid from Norway won the last one. He's like model-y and stuff, right?

Lies, Love, and Now What

I have to be honest about something.  I lied to everyone - my family, friends, and Thighs readers - when I said MDLL processed his divorce back in June.  He met with his ex and filled everything out, then she was supposed to review it with another lawyer friend and submit it to the courthouse. She never did.

I lied to get everyone off my back. I'm not happy about it, but I didn't know how to separate my feelings from everyone else's judgments.  He promised me it wouldn't be long, so I thought a temporary lie to get some breathing room would be okay.  Obviously it didn't work out that way and as a result we broke up last week.

My parents will be crushed if they ever find out I lied. So why post about it?  To come clean to everyone else I guess, including myself.  I might tell them at some point, but I don't know what the value would be other than to clear my conscience.

So what happened?  It was around mid-September when I finally realized I was not okay with his bullshit.  He was planning our vacation and I said something along the lines of, "Please stop relying on your unreliable ex and get this shit done before we go away." He promised me it would be finished, so we could enjoy ourselves. Six weeks later, it wasn't done.

It was at Socks' wedding when I realized MDLL and I were never going to get married.  I was devastated. I AM devastated.  He loves and cares about me, but not enough to move forward or, at the very least, end the past.  I realize now if a guy wants something, he goes for it.  If he drags his feet, he doesn't really want it.  Thank you, Captain Obvious.

The day after the wedding we had a very hard discussion with a semi-break up.  The next day he pinched a nerve in his back and couldn't move, so I took care of him.  My stress seems to manifest itself physically in my gut, like I can't digest what I'm hearing.  His stress manifests itself into back pain, probably because he doesn't have a strong enough spine.  Ooooo...I didn't even know I was going to write that. How mean.

His mom and her boyfriend arrived two days later.  I hung out with them everyday like nothing was wrong.  I really did have a great time with her and was saddened I'll probably never see her again. Whenever his mom wasn't around, MDLL and I would cry and hug each other.  He finally told her we were breaking up on her last day. She said that's a shame because she never saw him this happy before and basically called him an asshole for fucking it all up.  He is one.

That day I also told my parents a variation of the truth.  As you well know (although you're probably not sure now), I HATE LIARS.  I hate passive-aggressive people. I hate beating around the bush.  I realize now the reason why I've been eating and drinking myself into oblivion since July is because I hate keeping secrets. I pride myself on being honest to a fault and I wasn't being true to myself or to the people closest to me.  I needed the space though. It was the only way I would see what was happening without the noise around me. 

I told my parents he submitted in it in June and had to wait 90 days before it processed. Once it was in for processing, the courthouse said something was wrong and it wasn't submitted, which meant we only found out the end of September.  Lies on top of lies.

The joke is, his ex FINALLY went to the courthouse on Friday the 19th, two days before we left for Puerto Rico.  There were two ways she could have submitted the information and for some reason she didn't take it upon herself to figure it out.  She called MDLL to do it instead.  The blind leading the fucking lazy with those two.

My parents were super upset and didn't want me to go to PR with him. My mom thought we'd be fighting the whole time and I'd be unsafe.  I always say MDLL and I don't fight, but we do, it's just not the type of fighting I grew up with.  MDLL and I were very good arguers by always being respectful and carefully choosing our words.  He and I both have a form of relationship PTSD since his ex was a rage-aholic like my mother.  When I told MDLL my mother's worries, he called my parents and assured them not only would we be safe, but he would file his divorce as soon as we got back.

You probably won't believe anything I say now, and I don't blame you, but Puerto Rico really was a nice time.  We put our heads in the warm sand, ignored our problems, and enjoyed each other.  We knew reality and a break-up was waiting for us when we got back, so we made the most of our trip.  Here are the pictures, if you're interested.  As my mom put it, you can see how happy we are together and how much love he has for me in his eyes.  It's a shame the kid is too paralyzed to do anything about it.

We got back from Puerto Rico on Friday the 26th, right before Sandy hit. I'll write about the storm another time. Luckily my neighborhood was fine.  MDLL's office was closed the whole week and he spent it at Crazy Ass rather than file his divorce.  I was LIVID.  We argued, he said he would take care of it the following week.  We went to the Steelers/Giants game, which I jokingly and ironically called The Break-Up Bowl.  Two days later we broke up.  This past Friday I got all of my shit from his apartment.  Yesterday I got bombed and sent a few hate-texts.  Today I'm okay.

So there you have it.  I'm sorry I lied.  I'm sorry I didn't know what else to do.  I'm not sorry I tried so hard with MDLL.  Thanks to him I now know I am an awesome girlfriend capable of loving and being loved.  I know I want a solid relationship with a man who is everything MDLL is plus proactive, interested in doing things other than drinking, and who makes the effort to keep me happy.  Oh and NOT MARRIED or shell-shocked from a previous relationship.

I don't know what's next for me, though.  I am very upset, but it's manageable as long as I don't think about the future I hoped we would have or the future I fear, ie continuing my track record of being a female version of Good Luck, Chuck. If MDLL marries the next girl he dates I might pursue being a Buddhist monk afterall.

Of course my other track record indicates I will most likely go back to MDLL within a couple of weeks.  Every time we've broken up I've said "This is different." or "Never again."  I'm not going to say any of that this time. Instead I'll repeat what my doctor said on Friday, "A challenging relationship will always be challenging."  Amen, sister. 

It has finally come to the point where I want to change MDLL.  I also want HIM to want to change. This is a recipe for further disaster. People never change. Our relationship will never change even if he does get a divorce.  I will be pulling him kicking and screaming the whole way and you know what? It just doesn't seem to be worth the effort anymore.  So sad.

VACATION!

Man, this year fucking rules!!  NOLA,  Florida, Vegas, Atlantic City, Puerto Rico, and the sexiest of all, Rochester.  WOOT!

MDLL and I leave on Sunday!! YAAAAAYYYY!!  I'm so stoked!

Last night I met his mom and her boyfriend for the first time.  It went really well!  I'm waiting to see if we're having dinner again tonight.  They like me!

CONGRATULATIONS SOCKS AND DAVE!  Their wedding was super fun and super loving and I am SUPER happy for them.  Socks, you looked GAWGEOUS!

I didn't spend too much time at comic-con this year.  I just wasn't feeling it for some reason.  It's funny, I have acquaintances from around the world who it's always nice to see, but I actually love spending time with the NYC I rarely hang out with now.  Damn busy people!

I'm super nerd-cited about work right now.  Iron got a client who is looking for a supply chain system, which is totally my thang.  I'm also working with Stevie's firm on a project, too!!  I'm so looking forward to helping out!  Rem is leaving my current client, the one I've been at since I started, so I'm pretty bummed.  Another work-husband divorce. Boooo.  Now I DEFINITELY want to move on!!

What else what else what else...I don't know.  I read through a PR travel guide, but seriously I could give two shits about doing anything other than banging MDLL and drinking rum.

Oh, speaking of shits, apparently I ate or drank something my tummy didn't agree with.  For the past week my farts and dumps smell like something died in something dead's rotting carcass.  No bueno.

Interestingly enough, I always seem to have tummy issues before I go away.  I think it's my subconscious reminding me to be careful on vacation.  No gluten and no tap water for me!

Adios, amigos!

Three!

I lost three more pounds this morning. Yay!  Of course once I moved my scale and tried again, I was back up to 178.  Why didn't I just stop while I was ahead?  I should get a digital one...

I can't be bothered with work today. Too many exciting things on the horizon!  I'm seeing Iron tomorrow night for the first time since June.  Saturday is New York Comic-Con. Sunday is wedding time.  I just found out Janeypants will be in town, so I'll hopefully see her Monday or Tuesday.  I'm free the rest of the week until Friday WHEN MDLL'S MOM COMES TO VISIT. Gaaaahhhh!!  I know I'm going to freak out the whole time. I'm good with parents, but this is different.  This might be a mother-in-law one day. Weird.  Two days later we're off to Puerto Rico!! WOOT!

The days I'm home being a hermit will be filled with my Netflix queue. I have 100 movies and TV shows waiting to be watched.  It is my fall/winter project.  I finally got around to watching Firefly (which I own) then Serenity.  Excellent show and movie.  It's a shame it got cancelled - said everyone in 2003.  I'm always behind the times...

Is it 5:30pm yet?

The Other Dress

Five more days until Socks' wedding!! WOO HOOOOO!!  So excited!!

Since I've failed to lose the 5-8 pounds I was hoping to shed to wear The Dress, I have decided to wear The Other Dress.  It's the too-much-backfat-for-a-strapless-dress dress.  I've already worn it to a few other weddings, so while I am a little bored with it, it's comfy and cute.

That being said, the shopper in me might go out looking for another dress because a) I love spending money and b) I love the challenge of finding an outfit last minute.  I'm pretty sure I found The Other Dress the day before Megkefel's wedding.  It was crumpled up underneath a sales rack at Macy's.  I sure got my $50 worth!

I'm bummed I didn't lose enough weight, but I'll get over it.  After all of these years, I have finally admitted to myself I am not goal-oriented.  I used to fill journals with calculations of, "If I lose 2 pounds a week for the next 15 weeks, I will look great for the first day of school."  It never worked.  I'm too rebellious to be goal-oriented.

The truth is, it's not my fault I can't fit into The Dress.  I blame Socks* for not getting married last year when I was afraid to eat!  Damn you!




*No I don't.  Ha! SO EXCITED!

Nice Furball

I saved these IMs from Furball.  I have no idea when he wrote them.

Don't tell anyone he was nice. He doesn't like anyone to know...

Maybe Spring 2010?:

Furball: see, i think you should totally write something, not in the comic book vein, but take the voice you use on your blog and create a character around it. You have a great ability to form a consistent voice when writing, and if you built a narrative around it, whether it's autobiographical or not, I think it would make for a great read
I know you're all into the drawing and stuff, but I think writing is where it's at for you
Sent at 10:26 AM on Thursday

Furball:  see, I think if you wrote a novel around your character's (whether it's you or not) adventures in the city as the anti-glamour single woman in NYC in the style and voice you use on your blog, you'd have a good chance at getting interest in it
hell, even Joe freaking Q told you that you were a good writer
Sent at 10:28 AM on Thursday

me: Aw! Sorry I was in the bathroom...leg fell asleep. LOL! I think this is the nicest thing you ever wrote to me. Thanks!
 

Maybe 2011?:

Furball: couple of things I got from the training, one about you and one about Company
first of all, we had this big discussion about Business Analysts and their value to projects (as opposed to Solution Architects and Developers)
and how 1. BAs are crucial to projects and that projects often fail because of bad or incomplete BA work, and that the good places recognize this and compensate BAs accordingly
2. That good BAs are essentially Power Information Workers, meaning that they're Super Users in whatever systems they're good at, so that they can communicate with the techie and business folks
made me think of you, because you've been put in that position several times, but not at all compensated for it. One consultant said his company pays BAs almost at the same rate as Solution Architects (which is what I sort of am)
I say this BECAUSE I think you already have the skillset to be a good BA, especially in Oracle, but probably in anything, if that's what you want to do
and hearing other people in the industry say these things confirmed it
long story short, I'm trying to kick your ass to get out of what you're doing and do something where you can use your skills an be appreciated/compensated
Sent at 9:50 AM on Wednesday

Furball: the end

me: Awww...thanks Furbie!! I really appreciate you saying that.

Furball is typing...

Good lord, woman.

I dyed my hair again last night because the first color was a little dull for me.  This time I went for a dark burgundy.  It's got the old-lady-purple halo around it.  OOPS.

Despite the non-natural look, I do like it.  I'll like it more once it fades over the next couple of days.  I haven't had some fun with my hair in a long time, so I'm enjoying the change.

Apparently I am in an adventurous mood this week.  Adventurous and stupid?  What did I do?

I made a porno with MDLL.  AAAAAHHHHH!!! 

First off, I WILL NOT BE SHARING THEM (yes, there are multiple videos).  Second, neither of us have any idea who came up with the idea, but let's be honest, it was probably me.  Third, I made him delete the ones with our faces and identifying marks.  Fourth, I had some pictures of him on my phone but I immediately deleted them because THEY MADE ME BLUSH.  Last, since all of the videos were on his phone, I made him send me one.  I watched it last night and HOLY GOD it is a combination of hot, trashy, and dumbfounding, as in, "Did I really do this?" and "Is that really me?".

I'm shaking my head as I write this...good lord, woman.

Sugar High

I read three articles on sugar.  Now the word looks really weird.  Sugar.  Shuuuuuggeeeerrrr.

My online food diary says my daily sugar goal is 29 grams.  I love fruit, so I'm repeatedly blowing past this number every day.

It turns out I'm fine.  The problem comes in with the amount of added, unnaturally occuring sugar.

Did you know the recommended amount of sugar for a woman is only 20 grams a day?  Five teaspoons. That's it. 

To put this in perspective, here's the total sugar for one serving of my vices:

Peppermint Pattie = 25 grams
Peanut M&Ms = 25 grams
Milk Chocolate M&Ms = 31 grams
Magner's = 11 grams
Woodchuck Crisp Cider (my new favorite) = 9 grams

Perspective for some general ones:

One packet of Starbucks Brown Sugar = 12 grams
A can of Coke = 39 grams
A can of Red Bull = 27 grams
A 20 oz bottle of Mountain Dew = 77 GRAMS!

CRAZY.

Re-Re-Ro

I just found out Rem is a Republican and voting for Romney.

Why is accepting this so hard???

Instead of saying why I'm voting Obama, I decided to write him an email sharing my beliefs.

I believe we should:

- help those who can't help themselves. No American should starve because they can't afford food or be homeless.

- have universal healthcare and offer free wellness programs

- spend more money on education to allow kids to go to school who otherwise can't afford it and to give teachers and schools the resources (books, materials, computers etc) to do well

- give veterans unlimited resources to get back on their feet after serving, including free therapy sessions to help them adjust to becoming a civilian

- allow women should have the right to choose to have an abortion

- allow gay men and women the right to marry and adopt

- educate the masses on religion, race, and culture

- change the tax brackets on all personal taxes to fit the federal income tax model (ie raise capital gains tax to 35%) to start

- take environmental issues more seriously and do what we can to address climate change and reduce our carbon footprint

- use tax payers money to strengthen infrastructure - roads, buildings, bridges, create more mass transit

- reduce the deficit by cutting spending and raising taxes for the time being

- legalize and tax marijuana, although I understand concerns you can't tell when someone is stoned while driving

- legalize and tax prostitution with mandatory HIV/STD tests

- continue to support Israel, although I'm not sure what I think about going to war with Iran yet

- withdraw from Afghanistan

- cut military and defense spending

- stop using 9/11 and other terrorist acts as an excuse to take away civil liberties

- immigration is the biggest gray area for me. I don't think people should be here illegally, but I do think if a child is born here of illegal parents, the child should be a citizen. It's not their fault. It's also not an immigrants fault if they were brought here by a corporation.

- educate all Americans on how to eat right and exercise, and ensure communities have access to affordable and organic fruits and vegetables

- not give tax breaks and incentives to the beef or corn industry as it is contributing to our health problems

- gun control needs to be tighter - raise the tax and price, mandatory psychiatric evaluation, limits on the amount of firearms per household

OCDmail

Did I ever share my OCDness when it comes to email?

I absolutely hate having emails sitting in my inbox. If I read it and don't need it, delete. If I read it and need it, ie a work email to reference in the future or a personal email with a ticket or confirmation number attached, I immediately file it.

For my personal email, it has come to the point where I can't wait to use the ticket/confirmation just so I can delete the email when it's over.

I AM NUTS.

Octoberlovefest!

October is going to be the greatest month of all time.  I can feel it!!

Yesterday and today I worked from home. MY WORD is WingFH the greatest thing ever. I can't wait to have a non-local client, so I can do this more often.  Of course, then there will be a lot of travelling too...we shall see!

Last night MDLL and I went to see Jay-Z at the new Barclays Center.  AMAZING show, gorgeous arena.  I'm so happy for Brooklyn.  It's funny, I only lived there until I was 8, but I really do feel like Brooklyn is in my blood.  Bay Ridge especially of course.  I don't have any desire to move back there because the rents are outrageous and the commute to the city isn't as convenient as Western Queens, but it will always have a special place in my heart.

DUDE. I just took a sip of fresh kombucha, an organic and raw tea of some sort. It tastes like vinegar. BLECH.

I'm looking forward to chillin' out this week.  The only plans I have are to watch the debates tomorrow night, therapy on Thursday, a massage/facial on Friday, and then a 5K in Coney Island on Saturday morning.  I haven't run in a month, so this should be interesting!

My energy levels are super low lately.  It seems to be a combination of the weight gain and allergies.  My thyroid levels were low too, but I didn't want to up my dosage until I made an effort to lose some weight.  It's not going too well.

Truthfully I'm really bummed out about gaining weight although not enough to cut back as much as I need. I'm staying in my calorie range for the most part during the week, except when I have alcohol.  Weekends are a free for all.  I was hoping to wear The Dress to Socks' is wedding in two weeks. It fits, but is a little snug.  If I can lose five pounds I should be golden.  I did a workout video today and ate well yessterday, except for a Long Island Iced Tea which I really didn't need to drink. 

MDLL gained weight this summer, too. Typical for couples I guess.  Must break the habit...after Puerto Rico!!

My eyes were glued...

not to the TV or a movie.  Literally glued.

Last night I fixed a picture that was bonded to one of those box wall frames.  I used Krazy Glue and some of it got on the frame itself, so I casually wiped it off with my finger.

About 10 minutes later I rinsed my hands without scrubbing, forgetting about the glue, then proceeded to take my contacts out.  I realized half way through removing them from my right eye, freaked, and yanked.

I now have a dry patch on my eye, while typical after wearing my contacts all day seems to be due to the glue and/or the yankage. (Heh.)  I rinsed my eye out a lot last night, put some drops in, and am now surfing the web to find funny shit to make me laugh-cry with the hope my salty tears will help.

Of course some websites say IMMEDIATE DEATH AND BLINDNESS.  Others say there's no harm (really?) and the glue will clear with time.  It must have been pretty dry by the time I took my contact out, so I'm guessing/hoping the irritation is mostly the yankage.

Yet another blonde moment, even though I'm currently a ginger. Remember this?

I AM SO SORRY BODY.