Boooo fast weekend!

My weekends are going by faster and faster, even without raging hangovers. Damn you raging soberovers!

The weeklong break with MDLL lasted four whole days. I called him Friday night. We texted a bit tonight, too. We didn't hang out at all, which was good. While I miss him a lot I needed a weekend to myself.

I stayed in Friday night. Saturday was a full day. I went shoe shopping again. No luck on supportive summery sandals/shoes yet, although I have a good idea of what I want now. I'm avoiding all flip flops and any other shoe with the big toe/second toe (pointer toe?) hold. I really think years of wearing those shoes contributed to my foot spasms.

Did I mention Cee holds focusing workshops? It's sort of like group therapy, but with more structure and participation. Group therapy can be shitty if one person takes up the whole session. I know that sounds mean, but it can get annoying. Ironically this weekend's workshop was about listening. I like to think I'm a good listener, but there are PLENTY of times I can't wait to talk. I'm very quick to make it about me, giving MY advice or MY opinion or telling a similar story from MY life. That's a conversation, right? Of course it is, but there are times where all the other person needs is to be heard. I like this.

I walked past a friend's restaurant after therapy. I rarely go in, but my instincts told me I should. I saw my friend at the bar. We chatted for a couple of minutes when a woman sat down next to me. It turns out she was a tarot card reader, so I asked for a reading. It was fantastic. She was pretty vague about some things in my past and well, I have no idea what the future will bring but it was nice to connect with someone on a psychic plane. Laugh it up, fuzzball.

After the card reading I headed over to Juniper's BBQ. Mick was there of course (they are roommates) and MY GOD I cannot believe he and I hooked up a year ago. No interest in doing that again whatsoever. I really do like him as a friend, though!

I had a lot of fun at the BBQ (thanks J!), but I was a bit freaked out for a couple of hours. The Zoloft made me feel like I was on speed. My eyes were wide open, my mouth was super dry, my mind was racing, and I couldn't stop talking. I sort of wanted to jump out of my skin. I know it will be better in a couple of days. I feel fine now. I can't remember what it was like the last time I started the meds. I was so far gone then, though. It's different now. I feel better than I did back in 2006 FO' SURE. I hadn't started Thighs yet, so maybe I'll look at my journals from that year.

Today I went to Target and DSW for another failed shoe shopping attempt. I love Target. I want everything in that damn store. I tried on a few cute dresses (!!), but I took the wrong sizes into the dressing room and was too lazy to go back to get the right one. Larges were hanging off of me. I gotta tell you, it's fucking awesome! Sure the weight loss started for a crappy reason, but now I'm enjoying it. I'm excited to start working out soon! Oh and I'm also ready to start introducing more foods. I can tell because I'm starting to crave carbs. I don't plan on eating wheat ever again, though. It's not worth it.

I made MDLL a mint chocolate chip ice cream pie. He told me his mom used to make it for his birthday every year, so I thought I'd surprise him with one. I hope he likes it!

Crap. It's midnight. I can't believe it's Monday already. Boooo fast weekend!

Relieved

Soooo...this week was not good. Not good at all.

Today is the first day I am focused, strong, hopeful, and now relieved.

Why relieved? Primary and I decided it's time to go back on Auntie D. I was strongly opposed to the idea up until yesterday. Enough is enough. I was NOT functional this week. Sure I made it to work, but I couldn't be bothered to do a damn thing. I cry at the drop of a hat, I fuck around online (ahem), and all of my symptoms from this year came back: lightheadedness, dizziness, panic, and the absent fog. The dickhead doctor was right. It WAS depression and anxiety, but that wasn't the whole story.

I hated the idea of going back on anti-depressants because it felt shameful. I failed myself. Well I realize now I didn't fail at all. I went almost two years without them with relatively "normal" Thighs mania. I lost my shit this year and now I'm finally well enough to see how it's affecting the rest of my life. A few of my relationships are rocky, my work performance is subpar, and Delilah is a disaster. I've already admitted to being in the midst of an identity crisis, I've lost interest in most everything I supposedly love, and I'm struggling to stay afloat. These are some pretty good reasons to go back on them. Now that I've made the decision, I am relieved from the stress and anxiety about MAKING the decision. I'm nervous of course, but right now I need to do everything I can to stay physically healthy and mentally/emotionally strong.

2011 is halfway over. I still have time to turn this year around. Who knows? Maybe it will end up being one of the best I've ever had.

White Wine

Sheesh!!

Holy crap, Monica. You were totally right! (Hugs!)

He read it.

He responded saying he completely understands I need some time to think about things and he hopes I have a great week.

He's a good guy.

I just hope he's taking some time to think about (and act on) things, too.

A break.

Things with MDLL and I have been going really well lately. He makes me so happy that I want to puke. Happy puke!

Unfortunately a few days ago he gave me an update on the new information. It was not what I wanted to hear. We talked about it for a while, but I couldn't seem to verbalize what I was feeling. Me! Words! None! Who am I??

We still had a fantastic weekend together, despite the newER information. It wasn't until I saw my parents on Sunday when something shifted.

My mom is a rage charmer. As soon as the anger-filled curse words fly out of her mouth, my rage wakes from its slumber and dances its way up through my soul. A headbanging hardcore dance. It is a horrible feeling, one that I only recently realized is not in my natural disposition. She taught me how to react this way to stress, anxiety, and fear. It is not who I am deep down.

I brought up MDLL a few times and she didn't say a word. As bad as her mouth gets, it's way worse when she's silent. I let her rip. My dad did, too.

It was upsetting, but I'm glad we talked about it. I cried of course, because that's what my rage snake does these days. I prefer tears over unmanageable anger.

After hours of stressing, I decided MDLL and I need a break this week. No texts, calls, hanging out, nothing. I wrote him an email telling him this yesterday, which I reread 17 times before finally deleting it this morning. I was driving myself crazy.

It was shitty of me to write him, but I couldn't bear talking to him about it. I didn't want to fall over my own words again. He rarely checks his email (Hotmail, hello 1998!*), so I'm not sure he even read it. I haven't heard from him since Sunday night, so he probably did. BLERG.

Negative feelings:
I'm disappointed with him for not being more open. I'm angry because I feel like I'm being punished. I'm sad because I'll ridiculously miss him this week. I'm worried this might be the beginning of the end for us. I'm scared to see what he chooses to do next. Either he'll fight for me or he won't.

Positive feelings:
I am very proud of how I've handled my emotions lately. I feel stronger than I have in a long time. Boys tend to make me fucking batty and it's been months since I went mental over him. I could have lost my shit three weeks ago and I didn't. Yay!

My only concern is how I handle myself this week without him. My track record shows that I do not manage these breaks very well. I must stay positive and healthy. I am going to treat myself to something nice every day this week. Tonight is therapy (I need it!), then I'm thinking a haircut, a pedicure, and some shopping. I really want to get new shoes and clothes. Oh right...gotta play the lottery, too.

Also, I'm trying to keep things in perspective. It's been hard this year with being sick and all, but I'm getting there. In sort of related news, I started following First World Pains on Twitter. It is all about yuppie asshole "problems", ie Starbucks fucked up your coffee order or your thumbs hurt from texting. It's hilarious how ridiculous I/we/they all sound compared to what the rest of the world is going through. It might help me in my own life:

"I hate that I have to buy all new pants because I lost so much weight!" #Iwantyourproblems

"My boss never talks to me." #Iwantyourjob

"I'm in love with my boyfriend, but I don't know if he loves me." #getahobby

"I've spent over $1,000 this year on doctors, procedures, therapy, vitamins, and medication." #atleastyoucanaffordit

"I'm bored and not reaching my true potential." #yourlifeissogoodthatyouthinkyouneedtogetmoreoutofit

Perspective!



*Rolo, you're allowed to have Hotmail still. Miss you!

Shannons

I'm taking a mental health break for a moment. I shouldn't be typing considering how bad my carpal tunnel is today, but I need an outlet before I burst into tears.

I'm okay. I went to Primary (doctor) this morning. She is great. Her diagnosis is musculoskeletal inflammation and agrees with Neuro that I should see a Rheuma. Remember the days when nicknames were for random boys I was dating? Yeah, me neither.

So why do I want to cry?

One of the questions I repeatedly ask myself is "Why now?". Why would my health (both mental and physical) deteriorate at this point in my life? I've always been one to get rundown and have the occasional bout of depression or panic attack, but it's never been like this before.

It's because of Boob Saga. I am still not healed from the experience.

After I shared my story on Thighs I felt so much better. I felt at peace. It was the stress the months after that made it hard to let go - the pain, sleeping sitting up, fights with insurance and doctors' offices, feeling guilty and ashamed having to borrow money from my parents, etc. It wouldn't fucking end, then January came and the shit hit the fan.

Physical issues aside, I am having a massive identity crisis this year. I can't drink, so there goes Beer Lover Shannon. I need to rest and take it easy, so there goes Go Out at Night Shannon. I have to follow a strict diet, so there goes Fun Easy Food Shannon. I am now a consultant, so there goes Spontaneous Plans Shannon. I'm physically weak, so there goes Walking Around the City Taking Pictures Shannon. I am no longer a lot of Shannons: Floosie, Commitment-phobe, Supply Chain, Comic book reading, Journaling, Dancing, the list goes on. While I'm better off not being some of these selves anymore, no longer identifying myself as any of them is making me unsure of who I am at the moment.

There was another Me I was unaware of hiding deep down: Lopsided-Breasts Uni-Implant Frankenboob Shannon. I had no idea she existed until last summer. Before I could even get to know her she was gone and I became Natural Pretty Even Boobs Shannon. This is NOT a complaint. I'm glad it happened and am proud to be "normal". I'm just realizing now that I didn't spend enough time understanding who the old Me was or reflecting on her passing. I was that Shannon for 20 years, so while I might not miss her, there is a history.

I believe not addressing this loss of self lead to my extreme emotional stress. I wasn't equipped to handle it on my own, so the stress had no choice but to manifest itself physically in order to get my attention. I now know I need to focus on healing myself as a whole to get through this.

The gameplan is to make peace with all of my former selves, so that I can figure out who I am now. It's funny, I actually feel like a blank slate. I've never been this consciously aware of being at a pivotal and transformational point in my life.

Unfortunately there's this nagging fear I will feel 100% tomorrow, yet go back to the Self-Destructive Shannon I used to be. I have to trust I won't.

I trust that I will get better, I will do better, and I will be better.

I trust that I will allow myself to become the Shannon I was always meant to be.

Ahhh, Monday.

I'm trying to focus, but all I want to do is goof off and email friends.

Last week was up and down health-wise. I had a ridiculous allergy cough for a few days, which I totally didn't mind since everyone is getting hit with bad allergies this year. It felt nice to have share an ailment with others for once! It was NOT nice to have aches, spasms, and pain again though.

It started with my foot on Tuesday. By Friday, my foot spasmed (the bone pops right out, then goes back), there was tearing pain in my calf, my carpal tunnel was the worst it has ever been, and my glands were swollen. Basically my whole right side of my body was inflamed for some reason. I've been living on Advil since.

I went to the neurologist that night since she's the one who found I have dead tibial motor nerve in both legs. She ran the test again (shocks shocks shocks) and it turns out my left is much better, but my right is still busted. She doesn't think the spasms are related to this though, so she said I should see a rheumatologist next. She also said I still have mono and I should be taking medication for it.

By the time I was done at the doctor's I was EXHAUSTED. It was a combination of physical and mental stress. It was fucking upsetting as hell to feel like shit again. I tried (am trying) to be positive and see this as a fluke and not a sign I am getting sicker, but it's hard. It's also hard to know which doctor to listen to at this point. I called my new primary for advice. She wants me to come in Wednesday. Come on answers and cure!!!

Thankfully I had a really great weekend, despite the pain. Saturday I went to Bucket's house for a BBQ and yesterday I saw X-Men: First Class with Juniper. The rest of the time I was with MDLL. Our favorite thing to do is eat tacos and watch action/lame movies from our youth. This weekend was Die Hard, Police Academy 5, and Tango and Cash. It's like a dream come true!!

I'm sure there will be some work down the road because of the "new information", but I'm okay with this. I love him, I love being with him, and I am happy he finally opened up to me. I am really, REALLY excited to see how things work out for us.

YAAAYYYY!!

OHMYGOSH!

And the BEST news of the weekend...I DANCED IN MY LIVING ROOM!

Dancing with my headphones on has always been my safe place/thing to do. I haven't done it in months. MONTHS. I was so disconnected with my self while I was sick that I haven't missed it either.

Then all of a sudden on Sunday I was like I NEED TO DANCE. The confusion with MDLL plus me feeling better kicked in the urge. I downloaded some new tunes and went at it for about a half hour before I met MDLL out, then I danced another hour or so when I got home. I loved every minute of it.

When someone asks me if I'm a music person, I tend to say no. I don't seek new tunes, don't go to concerts, never know what the name of a song is or who sang it. It's so funny though because once I'm in my own little world dancing around, all I can think about is how wonderful it is to feel the music in my soul.

YAY!

Ha!

Funny, Sunday night Mick and The Gentleman were hanging out at the bar about fifty feet away from me and MDLL. Mick and MDLL both grabbed me basically at the same time once I walked in, so they met. It wasn't a big deal. I thought it might be weird introducing The G-Man to him though so I didn't push it. The G-Man seemed a little sad, which made me feel bad. I still think he's really attractive, so I'm sure he'll find another lady soon enough. I hope so!

Only the beer garden could bring all of the guys I slept with in the past twelve months together. Then again that's what happens when you bang your neighbors.

Gah!

I just killed two bugs. Not roaches, bugs.

I hate this weather!!! GAH!

New Information

I had a very interesting weekend.

I learned some new information about MDLL. I'm not ready to share exactly what it is yet, which is funny since I probably told half of you individually anyways. It doesn't feel right to post about it as it's not my story to tell. Thighs is about me and my life, not his. Maybe I'll go into more detail once I know how it affects me.

So why even bring it up? A few reasons:

1. I am so, SO proud of the way I am reacting to the news. I feel very calm, mature, and levelheaded. It could have ruined the weekend, hell maybe even our relationship, but I didn't/don't want it to. After nine months of dating on and off, there's obviously something here. I'm not ready to throw in the towel.

2. I am excited about this journey. I feel like this is going to be a huge learning experience for the both of us. Hopefully we work through it and end up in a happy and committed relationship. If not, I am certain whatever we take from this will help our next one.

3. I've never felt this close to love before in my life. I can't imagine him NOT being my taco lobster. If he isn't, holy crap. Taco lobster love will be amazing then.

4. One of the things I am struggling with is the idea of full disclosure. He should have told me about this sooner, WAY sooner, but he didn't. Everyone I discussed this with agrees. I never thought I needed a dating "Need to know" file, probably because I've never dated someone who is this tightlipped about personal matters.

I didn't realize I needed to know this until I found out. Again, I'm sure you'd all agree with me on this point. Opinions would differ when it comes to how to react.

The thing is now I find myself wondering what in my life MDLL might file under "Need to know." There are a few things that may be hard to hear. I guess this is why I can understand not telling someone something you think would ruin a relationship.

Interestingly enough, it was MDLL's muteness that stopped me from sharing some of my "secrets" already. He made me realize I don't need to lay all of my cards out on the table and say "HEY! DEAL WITH THIS!" right away. I am enjoying saving chapters of my life (good and bad) for later because I WANT there to be a later with him.

Hmmmm....

Another good morning!

Today is the first day all year I'm away for work and can actually appreciate being in a different city.  I'm definitely getting better!

P.S.

"Nice!" was also MDLL's response when I offered to be his own personal prostitute.  I wonder how much I should charge him.

Nice!

On train to Philly right now. I feel pretty good!  Nice!

Admittedly...

the chest pain is probably indigestion and anxiety.

I scarfed down a greek yogurt on the way to the subway.

I got upset because the commute to the first doctor's visit took forever, I got more upset when I couldn't walk, then even MORE upset after all the back and forth adding to my exhaustion. I haven't been able to get rid of this rock in my chest since.

It's now almost 7pm and I'm about to do work, then pack for Philly. I don't want to go.

In fact, I don't want to do anything except have sex with MDLL. I wonder if he would pay me, so that I can quit my job. I wonder if I'm that good...

SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX

My Day

My day started at 6am. I was dead tired as I'm still not sleeping through the night. For over a week now I keep waking up every 3-4 hours either to adjust my boob (it's hurting again) or to pee. ANNOYING.

On Friday the doctor said I have a heart murmur and told me to go for an echocardiogram. I had to be there by 8am and after a slow subway ride and stupid cab ride, I made it just in time. Why a cab? My heart/chest was killing me. I had to walk from Broadway to 1st Ave (about 3/4 of a mile for you non-NYers) and I couldn't make it. I was completely winded, so I hopped into a cab about half way through only to get stuck in the midtown tunnel traffic. I was close, but still had to walk a bit. STUPID.

The doctor also gave me a DPT immunization on Friday. She said to call her if the injection site becomes red or bumpy. Guess what?? It did. OF COURSE.

The cardiologist's office was right by the doctor's office, so I called as soon as I was done with the hopes I can pop right in. No such luck. I stood on 34th Street for about a half hour waiting for a call back before heading up to midtown. I got to work at 10am. The doctor called a few minutes later asking me to come down again at 1pm. SHEESH.

My chest was still hurting at work, so I barely got anything done in the two hours I was there. Instead I IMed Bacon gossip from the weekend. It made me feel better. YAY!

The doctor looked at my arm said I have an infection at the injection site. I'm now on antibiotics. UNBELIEVABLE.

Today's travels included one cab ride, three subway rides, and four bus rides. METROCARD!

By the time I got back to Astoria I was exhausted. I dropped off my prescription, slept for an hour, picked up my prescription, ate, and am now blogging. I've done zero work. D'OH!

Funny news of the day? My bloodwork says I am healthy. Ha! Thyroid, cholesterol, vitamins, platelets, organs, etc. all good. Oddly enough, my mono levels have not changed though. The doctor said since I will always be a carrier of mono, it will always show up in my blood. She now believes I never had active mono and it is NOT the reason I've been sick all year. WHAAAA??

That brings us back to the candida/yeast overgrowth. I was really strict with my diet this weekend and started taking a probiotic. I felt pretty good!! I was able to go to both Bacon's party and Crazy Ass on Saturday. I had a couple of gin and tonics with TONS of water. A slight buzz, but nothing crazy. The last thing I need is a hangover these days. Yesterday I saw Bridesmaids (HYSTERICAL! GO!) and then went to MDLL's. I was in bed by 10:30pm, but again, didn't sleep well. TIRED.

Now just gotta wait and see what happens with the echocardiogram, the shot infection, and the usual lightheadedness, exhaustion and chest pain. SIGH.

Rapture!

Soooo what is the deal with today? Are we all going to die or is it just Christians? I'd Google it, but religious fanatics frighten me.

If for whatever reason we don't make it, here are my parting thoughts:

Quinoa is like corn. I can see it in my poop.

The end.

Thanks Verizon Wireless!

I rarely ever go over my 450 peak minutes, except when I'm having a nervous breakdown and call, of all people, my mother.

With working from home and traveling I almost went over a couple of weeks ago, so I quickly upped my minutes to the next level. Unfortunately it didn't go through immediately, so Verizon charged me an extra $50.

One quick phone call and they removed the charge because they realized it was a timing issue between when I increased my minutes and the overage. It helped that I've never been late on a payment for ten years.

Thanks Verizon Wireless! I've always loved your service.

A couple of things though:

1. You should make a note on the "Increase Your Minutes" link that it takes a day to activate.

2. It's a shame you don't do roll-over minutes. I'd probably have a million. This is probably why you don't offer it, huh?

A good day!

I was super upset about not having celiac. I know that must sound/read weird, but it's the truth. I wanted to have it because it was an answer to everything that has gone wrong this year. It also would have meant I was right, something I haven't felt in a long time.

That changes today! I dumped my male chauvinist fuckface primary doctor group and went to Bacon's primary this morning. This doctor was FANTASTIC. She listened to my story, asked a lot of questions, and without hesitation said she most definitely thinks I have a yeast overgrowth. Back to candida!!

She told me to go on a strict yeast-free diet for a week and to come back next week to discuss how I feel. I've basically been eating yeast and gluten-free for a month now, so it's not that bad at all! I was looking forward to having a beer tomorrow night at Crazy Ass's anniversary party, but no can do. I can drink vodka and gin, so at least that's something. Yeah, yeah. I don't have to drink AT ALL, but it's been three weeks! Momma could use a good buzz.

I feel GOOD. Sure I was lightheaded and shit this morning, but right now I am A-OK.

Other things to feel good about:

1. I made it into the office four days this week. (I skipped today for the doctor's appointment.) Yay! Iron (my boss) has been so kind and understanding about all of this. She wrote a really nice email the other day saying she hopes the job isn't stressing me out and making me feel worse because she loves me and would hate to lose me! HOW AWESOME IS THAT? I'll be in Philly with her next Tuesday and Wednesday. I'm looking forward to it, although I am a tad nervous about traveling again. Getting sick while away on business is the worst. I wouldn't wish it on anyone!

She also invited me to a conference in DC the week of June 12th. I'm getting business cards and shirts with the company logo on it. I'm dork-cited!!

2. Therapy is going really well. I love Cee. I'm not ready to share anything yet, but I will eventually. We're going to meet every Tuesday night. If I'm away for work will do a phone call instead. There's also a focusing workshop the last Saturday of every month that I'm really looking forward to attending. It feels good to be back.

3. Last but certainly not least, MDLL. I'm in love. LOVE LOVE LOVE. I never thought it could be like this. I'm so impulsive and reactionary and impatient and - what's the nice word for being those things? - passionate that I've never allowed anything to grow organically. Not a thing. Not even the marijuana seeds I planted in my parents' backyard. I got bored and dug them up after a week. A funny thing happened, though. I must have missed a few seeds because around a year later I noticed a little seven inch pot plant by the fence. SOMEHOW the damn thing grew without me staring at it or trying to will it out of the ground.

It's the same thing with MDLL. Our relationship is slowly turning into something I've never experienced before and can't quite yet describe. It grew the minute I stopped trying to force it to grow, on it's own time. Maybe this is what dating is like for patient people? Who knows. All I do know is MDLL makes me much happier and higher than weed ever did.

73

I told MDLL about my spending tracker.

"You write down everything?"

"Like 99% of what I bought for the last two and half years, even Peppermint Patties from the vending machines."

"Peppermint Patties?"

"Yeah, I was a bit addicted."

"Well...how many did you buy?"

The addiction started in May 2010 and ended this year.

I bought 73 Peppermint Patties in seven months.

Is that a lot?

I do NOT have celiac.

I am crushed. I really thought this was the answer. The doctor called three hours ago. I haven't stopped crying since.

I don't know what to do. I really don't. Do I give up now and just live in a constant state of exhaustion and stress over what to eat? Do I keep pretending I have it to be on the safe side? There is no FUCKING WAY I am eating bread because if I have another FUCKING reaction and it turns out to be FUCKING NOTHING AGAIN I will CUT A BITCH.

You know what I want to fucking do? I want to run away and never look back.

Thanks Celestial Seasonings!

This makes me feel better...

"If we are facing in the right direction, all we have to do is keep on walking." - Buddhist Proverb

Black Swan

Not the best movie to watch if you're someone who questions their sanity on a daily basis and has been on apartment-rest for over two weeks.

Yikes.

It's all happening!

Okay, maybe my health woes are coming to an end! Yay!

Wednesday I got pretty sick again. I was fine after a greek yogurt, then got sick after eggs, red pepper, and feta. I honestly didn't think any of that would be an issue, but that's the problem. I won't know what's an issue until it is one!

I was so uncomfortable and out of it that I called the gastroenterologist with the hopes I can get the upper endoscopy done sooner. I figured it was best to go in while I felt like shit. Luckily she had an opening Thursday afternoon. A big thanks to my heatherosexual life partner Florence Bacongale who picked me up and took care of me afterwards. (I couldn't leave on my own because of the anesthesia.)

The doctor found I have gastritis in my stomach and atrophic mucosa in my duodenum. That last bit means my intestinal villi are flattened. This is a key indicator of...wait for it...CELIAC! Woo hoo! I'm possibly not crazy! My blood tests came back negative for it, but the best way to tell is taking a biopsy. Fingers crossed the results tell me SOMETHING! GAH!

From the little research I've done on celiac (I'm trying my best to stay off the interwebs to keep my anxiety in check), there is a link between it and mono, stress, AND a vitamin B12 deficiency. I have all three. I also read that the villi absorb nutrients and help digest simple sugars, which may also be the reason why I can't seem to handle any sugar at all. The villi also help to digest lactose, so it's possible the combo of the red pepper and the feta was a big no no.

Since Wednesday I've been eating pretty bland, one thing at a time to pinpoint what is an issue or not. My diet is basically greek yogurt, eggs, chicken, steak, veggies, and a little fruit. I lost another three pounds this week. I'm happy and not happy about it. I mean, it's great to lose weight but I don't want to be afraid to eat! I'm going to brunch in a couple of hours and I'm a bit nervous about it. I just need to get used to reading menus and planning what I'm going to eat beforehand. It's really not a big deal in the grand scheme of things!

Obviously I'm already on the celiac boat. Watch the biopsies say I don't have it. It just seems way too coincidental that I get sick after bread. I now don't think the Valtrex had anything to do with my sickness two weeks ago. I really think it was the beer, pumpernickel bread, and muesli with fruit. Stupid ass me thought muesli was made of oats. Boy was I wrong!! I went food shopping this morning and read a box of it. It has wheat, barley, and rye the three worst possible things a celiacan (is that the right word?) can eat!!! MORON!! No wonder I got so sick!!

I don't understand why I am really sensitive to it ever since the Valtrex though. In January I was only sick a few days each time, but this seems to be dragging on. ANY bit of gluten or sugar seems to be fucking with me. I haven't been able to do much of anything. Work is piling up like crazy and I can't be bothered. I don't even watch TV, I just sit around and talk to myself. It's my favorite pastime.

Yesterday I was super sore and uncomfortable all day. It turns out there was a lot of air in my intestines, so once that cleared (by way of fartage) I was fine.

Sorry this blog has become a boring health story. I'm still funny, I swear!! Funny looking anyways.

Bacon gave me some tough love this week, which I desperately needed. She said I have a 10pm bedtime for the next two weeks and I am not allowed to have MDLL stay over or stay at his place because he keeps me up with his snoring. While I hate that I can't go out and do what I want, Bacon is absolutely right. I need rest and time to heal.

To make myself feel better, I set a party goal. I'd like to be in good shape for Crazy Ass's anniversary party on May 21st. By then I should definitely know the issue and the triggers. My beer drinking days might be over, but I will always be a bar girl!!

Weekly Update

My 2011 sickness refuses to fucking end.

I was home on bed/couchrest for a full week. I tried to work, but I didn't have the focus or energy. When I did feel up to doing anything, I'd take walks around the neighborhood. Some days it was hard, some days it wasn't. Thankfully the weather was gorgeous.

I was feeling better over the weekend then WHAM. Last night I got hit with the shit again. I don't know what's happening! It can't possibly be the Valtrex (go ahead and laugh, I still do) at this point, so it must be digestive.

Yesterday was the first day I went back to work, so I knew I would be exhausted. I left at 4pm, napped until 6pm, then woke up feeling horribly fatigued and rundown. Janeypants and I were supposed to meet up, but she was nice enough to come by my place instead. We talked for a while, I packed for Philly, then I went to bed. I woke up around 12:30am with everything hurting: my stomach, chest, head, neck, arm, knees, foot. I was up all night.

I seriously think I have problems digesting sugar. I had beer for the first time over the weekend. Right before I got tired yesterday I had a banana and an aloe vera drink that I didn't realize contained honey and sugar. Other than that I've been sticking to proteins. The one thing that makes me feel awesome after I eat is a bacon cheeseburger wrapped in lettuce. No joke. I've had four in the past week. Remind me of this when I have high cholesterol next month.

Obviously I can't self-diagnose anymore, so I went to a gastroenterologist this morning. Next week I'm going for an upper endoscopy to find out once and for all what is going on. ANSWERS PLEASE!

The good news is I seem to have my anxiety about all of this under control. I didn't panic last night and I made the quick (and right) decision this morning to cancel on the Philly trip. Of course, now I'm a bit worried I will be fired but fuck it. Worse things can happen, like oh I don't know, death by undiagnosed mystery ailment.

I did have a few panicky moments last week. I was alone in my apartment for four days straight, so of course I went a little nuts. It was mainly about MDLL of course. It always is. I feel like he's going to get sick of me being sick and stop wanting to hang out. Truthfully there is no reason to think this. He's been so fucking awesome! Two weekends ago when I was super sick he spent all day Saturday and Sunday with me watching TV. (Eastbound and Down is the funniest shit ever!) This past weekend I had the energy to go out for a bit so we hung out at his place Friday, texted all day Saturday, and walked around the neighborhood and hung at Delilah on Sunday.

Needless to say it's been very rough to be sick for four months and not know what's wrong. I made it through thanks to Bakes, Juniper, Jarv, Rocks and Tron. If it weren't for them I don't know where I'd be.

I have to give a special thanks to MDLL for helping me through the past couple of weeks. Getting super sick again almost crushed me, even with knowing I have mono. Having him around makes me feel good. It's been a long time since I've felt anything other than sick.

I am so incredibly happy when we're together. In the past he was the cause of a lot of stress and frustration, but now, when I really do need him, he's here. For that I am thankful. I know it might not always be like this, so I am cherishing every moment while I can. He's been a really good friend and I truly hope one day I am able to return the favor.

Being positive...

Apparently I'm not done writing yet. It feels good to write.

Here are a few positive things:

1. I'm down to 168 pounds. I haven't weighed this little (why does that sound weird?) since 2005. I'm flabby as fuck, but that's because I haven't worked out in almost a year. Damn chubby appendages.

2. Thankfully I have a job where I can work from home. I asked for a laptop at Minnow once, you know, to actually OFFER to work nights and weekends when I was on the Oracle project and they said no. I DON'T WORK THERE ANYMORE! YIPPEE!

3. I can watch movies and read.

4. The bucket list I mentioned in my earlier post doesn't exist, but when I was at my lowest this week, these are the thoughts that popped into my head:

I never went to art school.

I never went around the world.

I never fell in love and got married.

I never published my own comic.

I never gave myself the satisfaction of being proud of my body by wearing a bathing suit without shorts. (I almost wrote bikini, but I don't think that will ever happen.)

I never let go and allowed myself to love me and my life to the fullest.

There's my bucket list. This is positive because now I know where to focus my energy once I have it back.

5. I am grateful for my parents. They have and would drop anything to help me. After all we've been through, I realize now I am very lucky to have them.

I love my therapist.

I haven't seen Cee since September. I am long overdue for a session so she and I have been playing phonetag to set up an appointment. I emailed her yesterday to tell her what was going on and that I'd call her back as soon as I can. She responded with this just now:

Dear Thighs,

It sounds that you have been having a very challenging year! Keep your good spirit up and let this dis-ease pass you.

Try not to hate it. Hate is a force and when we try to force something we get resistance. See if you can approach it "with ease".

I am sending good energy and thoughts your way. Call me when you are ready.

Much Love
Cee

I feel better.

I want it back.

As crazy as it sounds, I was thrilled to find out I have mono. I am no longer thrilled.

I've written about my frustrations with being sick and not knowing what was wrong, but truthfully I haven't written as much as I wanted to the last couple of months fearing I'd sound like a whiny, ungrateful, depressed hypochondriac.

Well, fuck it.

I HATE THIS. I HATE THIS FUCKING YEAR. I HATE FEELING LIKE SHIT. I HATE THAT I CAN'T DO WHAT I FUCKING WANT TO DO.

Friday I felt better than I have in months. Just knowing what was wrong helped lift my spirits. I was Happy with a capital H.

Saturday I started my medication. My hysterical and embarrassing medication. The neurologist prescribed me Valtrex. HA! Apparently it helps ease the symptoms of Epstein-Barr, chronic fatigue, and mono. I was on herpes meds for the kissing disease. Oh you!

Notice I wrote "was on." Sunday MDLL and I went out for an early dinner. I felt really good until about halfway through my meal when I got queasy. I thought maybe it was the sliver of pumpernickel bread and third of a margarita combined with the meds, so I stopped eating. A few hours later I was in the same anxious, woozy, and lightheaded state I frequently was earlier this year. It sucked. Unfortunately I couldn't relax because I needed to pack for my four day business trip to Philly. Timing is an amazing concept.

Monday I felt okay. I was able to make it to Philly and focus at work for the most part. By the evening I was a mess again. As soon as I ate dinner I passed out. It was scary how sudden it happened.

Tuesday was a little better. I decided to decrease my dosage from four pills a day down to two. I'm glad I did because Wednesday was a shit show.

I ate breakfast (muesli with currants, apple slices, cranberries). The neurologist also said to take B12 everyday so at around 10:30am I took it with a banana and a little coffee. About an hour later I got sick. I couldn't get out of my chair. I was so woozy I was afraid to stand up. At noon everyone left to go to lunch and I just sat there wondering if I should go to the hospital. My throat closed up, I couldn't focus, my heart was pounding because I was in a full blown panic. I finally managed to get up and walk to where everyone was eating lunch by doing some lamaze breathing along the way. I thought maybe I just needed to eat something, but once I got into the conference room and looked at the food I knew I had to leave. I turned to this one really nice woman who knew I had mono and said I need to lay down. She took one look at me and said go to the hotel and call us if you need anything.

I got to the hotel and started hysterically crying. I'm not quite sure how to describe how I felt. There's no pain, just this horrible wave of exhaustion, nausea, and anxiety. I didn't know if I should call an ambulance or what, so I did what most helpless 33 year old single women do. I called my mom. After much debate we decided since I didn't have the energy to leave on my own my dad would come get me. That's twice this year he came to my rescue.

Around 2:30pm I had just enough energy to pack, check out, and call Iron (my boss in case you forgot) to tell her what happened. I was so embarrassed, but there wasn't any choice. She was really nice about it, even offered to come get me herself. Thank Shizza.

At 3pm I decided I needed to eat something again. I'm still off the bread, so whenever I order a sandwich I just eat the insides. I had some turkey, cheese, lettuce, and tomato. Why am I telling you everything I ate that day? Because BOOM, I was sick immediately after I ate again.

I got to Jackson around 7pm. The rest of the night I just laid there and cried. All of my symptoms from this year came back. I couldn't sleep so since the Valtrex knocks me out I decided to take one pill at 1am. It worked.

The next morning I felt like shit again, so my mom said enough is enough and took me to the ER. She was worried that my spleen was enlarged because apparently that happens with mono. The doctor said my organs are fine, stop taking the Valtrex and get plenty of rest and fluids. I told her how it only seems to happen when I eat and that I thought I had candida and/or celiac earlier this year. She said it's a possibility since both are common in people with autoimmune diseases. If I did have candida, it could lower my immunity. It's also possible the medication is contributing to a yeast overgrowth. I can't fucking win.

My mom brought me back to Queens yesterday afternoon. My insides and mind are a fucking wreck. I feel as bad as I did in January when I first thought I had a food intolerance. I still have no idea if it was actually the Valtrex that did this or what, so only time will tell once it leaves my system. I've called my neurologist four times since Wednesday and I still haven't heard back from her. I didn't think she was an asshole.

There's nothing I can do now except watch what I eat, drink lots of water, and rest. I'm trying my best to be positive about all of this. Well, trying NOT to be negative. It's not working.

I fucking hate that I can't go out, can't give my all at work, can't fucking eat or drink anything without fear of getting sicker. I wanted to start going to the gym this week and buy a bike for the bike tour, but at this point isn't worth doing since walking up the block to Rite Aid was hard enough. I'm worried that I've annoyed all of my friends with yet another episode of ridiculous health shit. I'm worried that MDLL is going to get bored with me always being sick and go out and meet someone else. I'm worried I'm going to get fired. I'm worried that I'm never going to feel any better and I've wasted my life being drunk rather than checking things off my bucket list.

Okay...I know I'm not dying. I don't have cancer, I don't have MS, I have mono. It happens. But four months of living like this does not feel like living at all. It feels like shit.

So there you have it. This is me being a whiny, ungrateful, depressed hypochondriac. Well I guess I'm not a hypochondriac because I actually know I have mono now, but whatever. Every fucking week something was wrong this year and I can't imagine the mono was the cause of all of it...

I seriously can't take this anymore. I want my fucking life back.

I HAVE MONO!!!

Really, really bad mono!!

YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND HOW HAPPY I AM RIGHT NOW!!

I have an answer! I have medication! I have validation that something wasn't right for the past 4+ months!!!

I HAVE MONO!!

HOORAY!

Yay!

Gosh it feels good to be home. So good that I stayed out until 2am last night. Oops!  I'm back in Chinatown at my neurologist's office. I have no idea why I'm here. A part two of something. I am so bored with this shit.

I'm happy to report I felt pretty good all week. Only lightheaded a few times. Maybe it's finally lifting.

I have a lot of work to do after training, so I plan on doing some this weekend. Other than that I'm having dinner with Bella at Blue Smoke tonight, watching the Red Wings with Bakes and Jarv at Canz tomorrow, hanging with MDLL, AND BUYING A BIKE!! Five Boro Bike Tour is in two weeks. I'm excited!

Yay home! Yay weekend!

Homesick

My gosh I can't wait to go home tomorrow. It's only been three days, but I feel like it's been an eternity since I've been back in the AQ (Astoria, Queens) hanging with my friends.

The dumb thing is I rarely see the girls Monday - Wednesday lately, so why would I be missing them this much?

I guess I miss NY. I miss MD too, who I'm sorry to confuse you guys, but has now become LL (Lastname Lover) in my head. Basically MD was dead to me after Valentine's Day and LL is the new and improved MD. I haven't decided if I'm ditching the MD entirely, so for now he'll be MDLL.

Anyways, I miss MDLL. I wish I knew if he was missing me.

Training is going really well. It's me and my boss in front of 20 billers showing them how to use the new system. Well she's showing them, I'm taking notes. Good thing I love to write!

We went out for dinner and drinks Monday night and tonight. It was really nice to talk to her socially. Did I give my boss a name yet? How about Iron because I'm staring at one?

I'm laying on a king size bed in a hotel room in downtown Philly. Um, can I just say room service fucking rocks? I never ordered it before this week. Being served rules.

This is the first time I'm really getting an idea of what this job could become. I'm not too sure what to think yet. Next week I'll be here by myself, so that could be a little lonely. Or awesome. I guess I'll find out soon!

I seriously can't wait to be back in NY tomorrow night. I'm homesick!

I'm all a Twitter.

Well I did it. Thighs McGee is on Twitter.

I found out yesterday my brother is on Twitter and in order to follow him I need an account. Awwww...I love Rippie.

You might be surprised to know that writing most of my blog posts takes me a while. I write, reflect, and edit numerous times before posting.

FYI, my tweets will not be censored.

Look to your right for the link. Enjoy!

I just said...

"Oh snap" for the first time in my life.

Oh snap.

There's a Blogger app. Of course there is. I fucking love this phone.

Artoo!!

My new catchphrase

"Your yeast is chomping."

Hahahahahahahaha!

Happenings

All is well today. It's the first time in a while that I feel like I'm beating whatever the fuck is wrong with me. I have finally fully admitted to myself that my anxiety levels are through the roof. I'm anxious about being anxious ALWAYS.

Where did I last leave off?

My MRI results were fine. THANK SHIZZA. The inner ear imbalance was an accurate diagnosis, although it doesn't cover all of my symptoms. My doctor gave me some visual and coordination exercises to help level me out. I wonder if being tipsy is temporarily helping my balance as I seem to feel better after a night of drinking. Only me!!

The pain in my foot was so bad that it travelled up into my knee as well. The podiatrist said there was nothing wrong with my foot so the pain must be coming from another part of my body. The neurologist jumped right on it and gave me a nerve test which consisted of about 50 electrical shocks to my arms and legs. She also took some blood to find out once and for all if my Lymes is back. Did I mention this possibility yet? No? I had Lymes when I was ten, yada, yada, yada, it tends to come back in a woman's thirties. Whatever. I've been x-rayed and pricked (heh) like a zillion times this month. It's getting fucking old.

Work is okay. I'll be in Philly Monday through Thursday this week and next. I'm really nervcited about it. When will the anxiety go away?? Gah! I went clothes shopping today to make myself feel more confident. I bought a lot of nice tops, but still haven't found pants that fit me right. Oh well. I'll try again next weekend.

My social life is the only thing keeping me sane (!!) lately. I love all of my friends so incredibly much. I feel guilty that sometimes I can't enjoy their company as much as I'd like to because I'm not feeling well, but I don't know if they ever notice. I've become a pretty good actress hiding all the shit going on inside. I'm not usually one to hide anything, it's just that every fucking week it's something so I don't want to sound like a whiny hypochondriac fuckwad. I forgot to mention the corneal eye infection I got out of nowhere last Tuesday. It felt like there was glass in my eye. Fantastic.

I wasn't able to hide anything yesterday, though. MD and I were laying in bed chatting when I started crying about how stressed I am with this new job. He was really, really sweet about it. He's been really sweet a lot lately, this week especially. We've hung out every day since Tuesday. I love being with him.

I was seriously okay with not talking about "us" or being his girlfriend up until last night. I got jealous and started to worry I was going to lose him. I'm glad. It was sort of weirding me out how detached I've been the past month or so. Very unlike me.

Anyhoo, he helped me realize why I'm so anxious about my life. I don't trust myself or have faith things will work out. Be it my health, job, or relationships, I'm constantly on edge and worried. I guess I've always been a worrier, but the past few months take the cake. The good news is I feel better knowing where the stress is coming from. The bad news? I don't quite know how to fix it yet. How do you learn to trust yourself again?

Happy Pictures

I got nothing to say, so here are some pictures of things that make me happy:

I love copays.

I'm writing on my phone from my neurologist's office. My last visit started with a 1.5 hour wait and ended with a massge and acupuncture another 1.5 hours later, so I have time to type slowly.

I'm a mess again, but trying to stay in good spirits. The lightheadedness and boob/chest pain was really bad last week. My sonogram and mammogram came back fine, which is great and shitty at the same time. There isn't a piece of an implant or, thank Shizza, tumors, but there still isn't an explanation for my pain. My mom said to go to a neurologist and I'm super glad I did.

An undiagnosed/untreated inner ear infection seems to be the reason for my lightheadedness, dizziness, occassional nausea, and inability to lay down flat without getting a headache. YAY FOR AN ANSWER!! Boo for the asshole doctor who said I was depressed. Never going back to him. In fact, I'm done with male doctors. I ain't risking "this bitch be crazy" diagnosis again.

The neuro wants me to go for two MRIs on the brain and ear. Hopefully by Friday the infection will be confirmed and I can get meds and feel good once and for all. Right now I'm in her Chinatown office waiting to do some balancing tests. A kickass martial arts movie is on in the waiting room. Definitely a nice way to start a Monday.

She also thinks at this point my boob is a pulled muscle and needs some physical therapy. I've lost a lot of strength since last summer, so it really is time to get back to the gym. One last snafu of course, because apparenty 2011 and my body don't like each other - my foot spasmed on Wednesday and I'm rocking a sweet pimp limp. I already went to a podiatrist because I'm my doctor nazi mother's daughter. It's not broken, but the doc wrapped it and said to stay off my feet for a few days. Sorry bub, but that's not an option in this city.

My Ruth Clare alter ego is taking over. I seemed to have turned 83 and not 33 this month. My ridiculous amount of ailments and doctor's visits this year are comical at this point. Tomorrow I'll probably wake up with a dick growing out of my forehead. Call me Screwicorn.

Ta da!

I'm back! HOLLA!

I haven't felt very Thighs McGee lately. Not in a bad way, I just haven't thought much about writing. This is what's new:

1. My birthday party was excellent. Good times, good friends, and good Guinness. We hung out at Flannery's until about 11pm, then the Astoria crew went over to Crazy Ass for a nightcap. A three hour nightcap. I think I got home at 2:30am. It was the first time in quite a while that I drank a lot. I was a little nervous, but all was well. Too well perhaps because I haven't really stopped drinking or staying out late since then. That weekend Jarv and I barhopped around the neighborhood. This past week included staying out until 1:30am on both Wednesday and Thursday, not going out UNTIL 3am on Friday, taking a break Saturday, then drinking from noon until 8pm today. I feel fine, but Bethany Beergut is back and I'm tired. So tired. I am not drinking this week until Friday when MY BROTHER COMES TO VISIT! It's a last minute work trip. I'm so excited to see him!!

2. Work is getting better!! I wanted to get some stuff done this weekend, but that was a total fail (see above). I feel a bit shitty about it, so no more drinking or late nights during the week for me anymore. I plan on getting in early tomorrow to get ahead. My boss was in three days last week, which was nice and comforting. She said I'm doing a great job and apologized for being m.i.a. Things seem to be simmering down for her, so I'm hoping this is when things will start picking up for me. She made mention of getting me and apartment in Philly for the month of July because I'm apparently going to be spending a ton of time there, so that's pretty cool. Also the Chicago project manager quit, so there may be an opportunity for me to go there as well. WRIGLEY!

Things are really looking up. The birthday drama freakout was a blessing in disguise. I was burying my nerves and trying to play it cool and be patient, but let's face it - patience is not my thing.

3. You know what's my thing? Or things rather? Boobs. It never occurred to me that I'm so boob-centric because of my, what do I call it, plight? Nah. That sounds religious. My situation? Eh. My boob chapter? Yeah, my boob chapter.

I recall being a boob girl before all that happened anyways, probably because as a kid my parents would make me go in the other room when they knew a nude scene was coming up in a movie. I'd naturally sneak a peek, not because I wanted to see naked chicks, but because I was curious as to what I wasn't allowed to see and really good at being defiant.

Anyhoo, my boob chapter is still writing itself. I still sleep propped up, usually wear a bra to bed, and rarely lift my arms or jump around. I've lost so much muscle since July that I suck at arm wrestling now, something I was quite proud of being good at considering I never worked out that much to begin with. I was an altoid, curiously strong and really white.

In my drunken birthday stupor I "accidentally" danced and bounced around way too much. My boob/chest muscle has been hurting ever since. Today's the first day it doesn't feel so bad. I wrote "accidentally" because at this point there is no fucking reason I shouldn't be able to dance, raise my arms, or do anything. It's been seven months since surgery and four months since I hurt myself on Thanksgiving. It sucks.

I don't want to go back to the asshole plastic surgeon ever, ever again so I went to my gyno to get a referral for a breast specialist. I called two of the tops ones and unfortunately they won't see me because I don't have cancer. Yes, it's a good thing I don't have it, but once they heard the word "implant" I felt there was a bit of condescension in the nurses' voices. Fuck you, fuckbag. It's not what you think. After I told them the story they eased up, but still wouldn't see me so I decided to go to for a mammogram/sonogram on my own. This way if something is wrong at least then maybe a specialist will be more willing to help. If there's nothing there I may go for an MRI and see a sports doctor. I read pulled chest muscles are a bitch, so maybe I have to treat it like it's a sprained ankle or something. Who knows. All I do know is I wish this fucking chapter would end.

The good news is the girls are still even. I feel pretty healthy otherwise, except I still get the lightheadedness and back of head headaches a few times a week. Oh well.

4. Boys. There's always one. Or four. The Gentleman and I had lunch the other day. I never ended up officially breaking it off and at this point there's no need. We are definitely in friend territory and I'm happy to stay there.

On St. Patty's Day I reached my two guy kiss quota. One was Will from last year. I saw him at the bar, we chatted, no big deal. Then on my walk home he came up on his bike and we walked together for a bit (he lives across the street from me). As I was saying good-bye he rammed his tongue down my throat. It was fine and I laughed it off, but I do not not NOT want to be with that guy. He's fucking nuts!

Even nuttier - the other guy I made out with was the fat member of the Ultimate Dickfuck Dodgeball team. Crazy, right? I didn't recognize him for a while, but I knew he looked familiar. When we figured it out I turned all red and starting yelling about how his team ruined dodgeball for me. Dramatic, much? Fa!

While he's much thinner and handsomer now, I'm not that into him. I'll probably go out for a drink or something just to be sure. One never can tell on St. Patty's Day.

The fourth dude of late is MD. Shocking. We've been spending a lot of time together again. He came out for my birthday, we hung out that weekend, this past Wednesday, and everyday this weekend. Now that I finally know some details about his past relationship and where he's at in his head other than "I don't want a serious relationship" I've become more calm and detached. We're not each other's taco lobster and that's okay.

I decided my soulmate's nickname is Big Red. I haven't met him yet, but I know he's out there. For some reason I'm not quite ready to look yet, probably because of work and boob chapter. I need some more time. I told myself March will be about getting back to Me and April will be about finding my We.

Oh and I'm over the guy Rem at work. I definitely want to be friends with him, though!

Shit it's late...why don't I sleep anymore!?!? Gah!

Happy Birthday?

Ummm...I just woke up to a horrible burning smell choking me in my sleep.

I heard someone on the roof, so I opened the door and waited a couple of minutes for them to come down. A very hot fireman said the boiler blew up and if I smell anything in my apartment it's okay, just open the windows.

It smelled so fucking bad that I threw on my coat and went outside. Only two other neighbors were down there (I live in a sixteen apartment building). They were all freaked out because they actually felt the building shake when it happened.

I'M freaked because I slept through it all. Why didn't the alarms go off? Why didn't the firemen knock on doors? I guess I should feel safe they didn't feel it was necessary to evacuate the building, but I don't. GAH!

It still smells so bad in here. I hope I can sleep!

The good news is besides my apartment building not blowing up and you know, death, I wasn't born until 5:07am, so technically it's not really my birthday yet.

I'm smiling.

Rem, the guy I like at work, gave me a birthday present. I can't get over it!! We bonded over discussions of good beer, so he bought me a bottle of Great Divide Yeti because that's his favorite brewery and I told him I like stouts. HOW SWEET IS THAT?

I'll ask again...HOW SWEET IS THAT??

He totally made my day. I haven't stopped smiling, except when I think about how Rockstar hasn't called me back after going for a run in the park with a bum knee. WILL YOU PLEASE CALL ME BACK?

I really, really like his company and am excited to hang out and get to know him better. I like him. I'm sure we'll eventually make out because that's what I do best, but I feel like there's more to this connection. I sense my life is going to be better having met him.

SWEET.

No Philly!

Yaaaaayyy! Party on, Wayne! Party on, Garth!

God I forgot about those movies...

Yaaaaayyy!

Oh bloody hell.

Are you kidding me with this shite? I unsubscribed 89 times! Fuck you and your swirly lamb!

Happy Almost Birthday to Me!

My birthday gift...an R2D2 Droid 2! WOO HOO! It makes Artoo noises when the phone rings!



It is my first smartphone, so I'm now turning into one of those annoying people who check in on Foursquare and update Facebook all of the time. (I can hear Juniper yelling at me.) I'm toying with the idea of starting a Twitter account, too. Toying.

Actually I did have internet access on my first cellphone back in 2001, but all I did was check Yahoo seventeen times a day to see if Softball Pat emailed me. I wonder if he's on Facebook...

Anyhoo, I love it. I will leave no seafood restaurant unturned.

Eight Years

MD and I finally talked last night. It went very well. I don't have much time to go into it at the moment (I have actual work to do, hooray!), but I can't think straight. Two words keep running through my head: eight years. He and his ex were together for eight years.

I can't fathom being with someone that long, let alone breaking up with someone after that long.

We are on complete opposite ends of the spectrum when it comes to where we are in life right now. I am done with being single while he is enjoying (?) being single for the first time since college. Do you know how many guys I slept with while he was in a relationship? DO YOU? I'm asking becuase I lost count.

I don't know how I feel about this yet. I'm a hopeless romantic. I don't like to think love is based on timing because fuck time. If I truly love someone I would want to be with them no matter what is going on in my life because I wouldn't be able to live without them.

I know "love" wasn't in the cards for MD and I. I felt like I was falling in love with him, but he definitely wasn't falling in love with me. It's just that I've never been serious about someone before. Tat and I talked about moving in together, but I knew it wasn't going to happen. I would have dropped everythig for MD if he asked. He never did.

I find myself wondering what the point was again, sort of like I did with the Banana drama. WHAT THE FUCK IS THE POINT? Why did I have to meet someone who is not ready for a relationship when for the first time in my life I'M ready for one?? Yes I know, even if he was ready it doesn't mean he'd want to be with me. Hell, he could get hit with Cupid's arrow tomorrow and end up married by the end of the year. Kill me if that happens.

Then again, that could happen to me too...

GAH. I hate dating. HATE IT. I'm done. I'm done done done done done*.



*Lie lie lie lie lie.

Farts!

That is all.

I'm a regular.

Here's how much time and money I spend at Crazy Ass:



And remember, I haven't really been drinking the past few weeks. I probably won't be there as much now that MD and I are through. Still no official discussion about a break-up, although he did finally call me last night. I texted him a short, breezy, no-response-required-response this morning. I really have nothing to say at this point. I'm done.

I'm sure I'll easily find another place to blow $300 a month.

Call Me Bronto

THUNDER THIGHS!

'Twas a great weekend!

Friday night I got some tacos and a beer with Jarv.

Saturday I went to the gym, cooked some eggs (by myself!), watched Modern Family, went to Swaft for a burger and drink with Jarv, came home, watched more Modern Family, then The Social Network.

Sunday Juniper and I went to the Whitney Museum for the Edward Hopper exhibit then off to Luke's Lobster for dinner (the lobster rolls are divine).

Yesterday I cooked some eggs (by myself!), exercised at home, did my taxes ($1K coming my way!), went to Crazy Ass with Bakes and Jarv, then did laundry.

In between all of those things I slept and meditated. It was the perfect relaxing weekend.

I will admit I was pretty sad about MD at times. I had some good soul-cleansing laugh-cries, so I'm well on my way to being over him. Today was the first day I got angry about him, though. I'm not sure if this is a setback or not. I'D LIKE TO BASH HIS FACE IN. Thoughts?

Another setback - I feel stupid. I should have known better, but I followed my heart and went for it anyways. Oh well. The six months I wasted on him is nothing in the grand scheme of things. At least it's over. Well to clarify, it's not technically over, but we haven't spoken since Wednesday. I don't want to call him, I know he won't call me, and OH YEAH, we were never really together so there's nothing to end!! JERKSTORES FTW!!

Here are some one-liner emails I'd like to send him:

"I am no longer interested in your services."

"Please remove my phone number from your list of contacts."

"I'd greatly appreciate if you ignore me at Crazy Ass for the rest of eternity."

"I beat your Photo Hunt score under the name FUCK YOU."

ARGH. Now I'm all red again. I need another relaxing weekend stat!

Happy Thoughts!

I'm taking this MD thing one day at a time. Today I feel okay about my decision! Sure I cried a couple of times, but that's not a bad thing. I needed it.

Work was fun this week. I was made the point person for user validation issues, which means I have to help them resolve any differences they find between the old and new system data. Most of the time it's because the person didn't read the documentation correctly, but every once in a while something new and nerd-interesting comes up.

For example, a record in the new system had the date 1/1/1900 and the same record from the old system in the Excel spreadsheet they were comparing it to had 1/2/1900. When I checked the old system source table in Access the record read 1/1/1900. I thought, well maybe it's a copy and paste issue. I was right! If you copy 1/1/1900 from an Access table it will read 1/2/1900 when you paste it into Excel. A Google search said this is a known Excel bug that has to do with Lotus 123 and 2/28/1904 being a leap year. All dates prior to 2/28/1904 are off by one in Excel and Access.

Now I thought that was the answer, but then I just checked this theory in Excel and actually I don't think that's the full reason. If you turn dates into a General format a number pops up (ex: 2/18/11 = 39130). Nerd-interesting, you know what date number 1 is? 1/1/1904. It has to be related to the copy and paste issue, right? I don't have Access on my Mac, so I can't keep digging...

See what happens when I don't drink on Friday nights?

A new guy named Zebra started this week. I like him! When I first met him on Tuesday I got a bit nervous because he has a legal accounting background and I don't. I later realized that I will learn a ton from him and who knows, maybe some healthy competition will be good for me. Now I hope he becomes my new work husband!

I think going to the client office every day is going to be good for me. I like meeting new people, the commute is super fast, and it's way too easy to get sucked into myself (heh) at home.

Oh by the way, today I decided a vagina is an inbox and an ass is an outbox.

I wasn't feeling well this week again. I was getting super lightheaded whenever I walked around. Yesterday was really bad - I had to stop twice to get my bearings while walking during lunch, then I practically had to coach myself out of the office and onto the subway to go home. I know my doctors think it's stress/depression and maybe they're right, but that's not fair. Something's off. While I might be overweight I am not obese or deathly unfit. I walk all of the time, I climb my four flights and subway stairs with no problem. Having to stop after a 15 minute walk is wrong. It fucking sucks that they won't take me seriously.

Yes, I have to admit that the MD stress is bothering me, but really? Come on! This lightheaded thing has been going on for a fucking year now. Did I already say it's not fair???

This morning was hard, but I'm feeling okay now. The more it happens, the less I panic, so that helps. Not that I want this to be a regular occurrence, but not freaking out is making it easier to deal with. Same thing with my food intolerance. Today I might have pushed it a little much with the bread/sugar. I ate a Clif protein bar, lots of fruit, half a turkey sandwich with the bread, two chicken tacos with the tortillas, and half a Guinness. I couldn't finish my beer because I hit the wall. It's sort of like being bloated on the inside, if that makes any sense.

I was a little worried that I'll be all fucked up tomorrow, but I shut that down. The intolerance only started this year, so it's going to take some time to figure out how much I can handle. It's not like I downed a bag of chips or pretzels, which interestingly enough I keep having dreams that I do and then spit them all out. Obviously this is on my mind.

My relationship with food is changing so much. I was always a big eater. A loaded eater. Whether it's salad or cereal or a burger, I love lots of stuff on it. Now I have to really think about what I'm eating and plan. It's a good thing.

Speaking of plans, I don't have many this weekend and I'm super excited about it. Juniper and I might check out a museum and Jarv and I might go to brunch. Other than that I plan on watching my Netflix (Modern Family is so good!), hitting the gym (whether I feel up to it or not), doing my taxes, and being nice to myself. The only person I've thought about this past month was MD. That's it. Sure I'm a self-involved blogger, but I seriously have not put myself first in weeks. This weekend I plan to do just that.

Happy thoughts!

And the real kicker is...

MD's not even a ginger. What the fuck am I wasting my time for??

Side note - I was walking to the subway yesterday and this guy in front of me had GORGEOUS long red hair. Now I hate guys with long hair, probably because I can't grow any, but his was acceptable.

I said, "Excuse me sir. Your hair is awesome." He chuckled, we chatted for a second, said good night, and then had that awkward moment of walking at the same pace in silence. Luckily he was smart enough to jaywalk across the street to get away from me.

It was funny. GINGERVITIS.

I'm done.

Last night my friend Sy was guest bartending at Crazy Ass. I didn't want to go because I was still so disappointed with MD. I know it's a shame that I let his lack of Valentine get to me so much, but I can't help it. I deserve to be with someone who wants me to be their sweetheart.

It felt different when MD came in. I tried to act normal, but I could feel the wall up. I wanted to just get through the night without any drama, talks, or tears.

WELL. It would have been fine if it wasn't for my "friend" Wheat. Wheat is a regular. We hit it off as soon as we met a few months ago and had what I thought was a nice connection. Our conversations were real and honest, not just fluffy bar talk. I was attracted to him in the "Aw Wheat!" way, but I didn't want to be more than friends. Unfortunately we ended up kissing on New Year's Eve. MD wasn't there, I was drunk and lonely, it was New Year's, and I really did like Wheat. I just didn't want to date him.

I didn't think this would ever be an issue. We talked about it since and there was no indication that he had any ill will toward me about it. He even gave me advice about MD a couple of weeks ago saying that I shouldn't get hung up on labeling our relationship if we both care about each other. I thought that was nice.

WELL. For whatever reason, last night Wheat decides to announce that he and I made out. MD was like "WAIT. WHAT?!?" I have never seen or heard MD react that fast to anything. You would think if Wheat was my friend he would have done damage control realizing that MD was obviously upset, but NOOOOOO, he goes, "Oh what you guys never discussed this? It was in a locked bathroom and everything. Uh oh did I make things awkward?" IT WAS SO FUCKING MEAN!

Now yes, maybe I shouldn't have been a tongueslut at "our" bar, but this was when I thought MD and I were through. And yes, maybe I should have told MD just in case, but seriously IT WAS NOTHING. I never, ever thought this would come up, especially not like this. Fucking Wheat. I can't believe him!

The night was already awkward for me with the whole Valentine's Day crap. Throw this on top and the night was flat out ruined. I'm so sick of this story that I won't go into the details of what happened, but basically it was me apologizing and MD saying he doesn't care. He was hurt and was trying to hurt me back. He succeeded. I feel ridiculously guilty too, but what the fuck? HE'S the one who didn't want a commitment!

On my way to the bar last night I had pretty much decided I was done with MD. I am not in love with him, I am in love with the guy I want him to be. I want him to be this pensive soul-searcher who has such deep feelings he can't find the words to express them. His muteness is his burden and gift.

Fuck that. I've put up with this way too fucking long. While last night wasn't ideal, it was still an opportunity for him to say how he felt about me. Or you know, VALENTINE'S DAY was. He didn't and you know why? Because nothing's changed since we last spoke about it in the beginning of December. He doesn't want to be with me.

I finally don't want to be with him anymore, either. I'm done. I seriously do not think there is anything he could possibly say to change my mind right now. If he ever fucking spoke!

BLERG!

I feel like me!

I finally feel like myself again. The last three weeks sucked. I still don't know what the hell was wrong, but I don't care. I'm better now. Today is the first day my head, neck, elbow, stomach, brain, mind, and soul feel good. THANKS, TODAY!

I lowered my thyroid meds on Sunday and I know it's too soon to really feel a difference, but I believe I do. It's probably more mental than physiological, but whatever. Mental's what I do best.

I really wanted to go to the gym this morning, but I ended up having to rush into the office for a training session. It was the first time I actually felt comfortable with the idea that I could stay home if I wanted to and it sort of bit me in the ass. Oops. I'll be going in to the office everyday now for a while. I don't mind (considering that's what I'm used to), I just really need to start bringing my lunch. The one deli by the office charges $10 for a salad!

Speaking of food, I added a bit of bread and carbs back into my diet. Oatmeal and potatoes are fine. I had two Guinness the other night and felt okay. I ate a wrap for lunch today and yesterday. All good. I'm still not ready to eat a sandwich or pasta yet, though. I don't care what the doctors said. Something's up with me and too much sugar...

HOLY CRAP! I forgot to write about this...I USED MY OVEN ALL BY MYSELF THIS WEEKEND! I made MD brownies. I was clammy and nervous the whole 27 minutes they baked, but I did it! YAY! Next up, a big meal for myself so that I can enjoy leftovers all next week. I will be the next Iron Chef.

Tonight I treated myself to a haircut and highlights. I spent way too much, but considering I haven't gotten my hair professionally colored or bleached in at least two years I figured I was due. Plus I really needed a change. I like how it came out. I'd take a picture, but I'm all red for some reason. It's a lighter bob with bangs. I had the same hairstyle when I was 2. I feel younger.

The Gentleman wanted to hang out tonight before he goes out of town again for the weekend. I said I was busy. I feel bad, but I didn't want to lead him on. I'll talk to him when he gets back. The truth is even if I wasn't seeing MD again, I don't think The G-man and I are a good fit. I really do think he's a great person, though.

There's a guy at work I find interesting. I'm sort of attracted to him. He's cute, wears nice fitting clothes (I had no idea this meant something to me), and really seems to know his shit. The clothes thing made me wonder if he's gay, but I'm pretty sure he was checking out my rack yesterday. I'm surprised I'm even writing about him. Let's call him Rem.

Why AM I writing about him? I don't know...I want to be with MD, but I'm afraid to talk to him about how I feel. How sad is that? Me, the biggest loudest oversharingest emotionalest obnoxitard is too shy and scared to talk to my fake boyfriend about the chances of him becoming my real boyfriend one day. I'm not good at dating, am I? Blerg.

I'm trying to not think about last year since things have been different between us the past month, but I feel like I felt at the end of November. I'm not sure I can hold in my feelings much longer. We're hanging out tomorrow night, so I'll see how it goes. Wish me luck. NO SHOTS.

Happy Valentine's Day!

I like Valentine's Day.

Unfortunately the only time I ever had a boyfriend for it was Psycho Joe back when I was 19. I'm pretty sure we got a hotel room since we were both living at home. I'm pretty sure I bought some lingerie. I'm also pretty sure that if I'm writing "pretty sure" that it was not memorable and doesn't really count.

PJ and I broke up in January and made a half-assed attempt at a reconciliation through February, but we weren't really together. I'm pretty sure we went to Red Lobster and I am absolutely sure he bought me Box of Pearls: The Janis Joplin Collection because I love that box set. That was eleven years ago. Balls.

MD and I went out to dinner the other night. I had a really great time (YAY!), but we still haven't had The Talk yet. Well, we haven't had it since the beginning of December after my Thanksgiving Meltdown. While a lot of things have changed since then, I am afraid to find out his mind hasn't.

We texted a bit earlier. I asked him to hang out tonight, but he had to work late. I don't know what's worse, not having anyone to like on Valentine's Day or not being able to be with the person I like on Valentine's Day. It would have been so eassssyyy for him to blow my mind today, but he didn't.

Look I know it's just a day and if MD proposed to me tomorrow it wouldn't matter, it's just that for whatever reason I am a 33 year old spinster who has gotten her heart broken a zillion times yet SOMEHOW still likes Valentine's Day. I'd really like to share it with someone for once and this year I wanted it to be him.

Oh well. At least it's not as upsetting as the shit with Banana last year. I wouldn't have minded riding a mechanical bull again, though! Shit, did I ever even write about that? Me and some of the girls went on an Anti-Valentine's Day pub crawl that started at Cheap Shots (actual name of bar) and ended at Mason Dixon (ditto) for some bull riding. I made a map and everything!



It was the best Valentine's Day I ever had. Remind me to drink next year.

I may...

or may not have hurt my elbow in the shower by slamming it into the tile ledge as I was pretending to punch an imaginary girl at an imaginary bar who was messing with an imaginary MD.

Did it really happen?

You decide.

You know what?

I don't buy the depression diagnosis. I'm an emotional worrywart who drinks too much, exercises too little, obsesses over things out of my control, and waits too long to change the things I can. I will admit I have been pretty down the past couple of weeks because I don't feel well, but I do not believe it's depression. So fuck you, doc. Would you be so quick to say it was depression if I was a dude?

I definitely could use some help with stress management, so I will be going back to therapy. I have a good life, there's no reason I should be this anxious and uncomfortable.

I got an email from The Gentleman on Wednesday. He was really sick and is now travelling for the next week and a half. I decided I'll wait to have the talk when he comes back. I felt bad calling it quits when he doesn't feel well.

MD and I hung out last night. Awesome. That is all.

I felt really great yesterday. First time in three weeks. YAY! Today I feel okay, except for the splitting headache and now neck pain. I don't think it's related to food or stress or DEPRESSION (jerk). It's probably because I'm carrying my laptop everywhere, looking down at it as opposed to looking up at a desktop monitor, and started sleeping laying flat again after two months of sleeping sitting up post-surgery. Well, post-pulled chest muscle. DUDE. I solemnly swear to be the healthiest I have ever been in my entire life starting now.

My only plans for this weekend are to cook and rest. I'm feeling a little hermity, but I think it's because I just want to save all my energy for getting better. Done and done.

The results are in.

My doctor said my test results are fine. Yay! He also said it must be depression. Boo! : ) :

At this point there's nothing left to do except go back to therapy and Auntie D. Naturally I have mixed emotions about this. Right now I feel like I failed. Oh well. At least I tried.

A couple of things did stand out on my bloodwork to me though:

My TSH/thyroid score is lower than it's ever been, so my fatigue and headaches could be related to too much Synthroid. This makes sense considering my dosage was upped the beginning of January. I am going to lower it again and see what happens.

My hemoglobin was a little high. The doctor didn't seem phased by this, but when I looked online (I can't stop, it's too dangerous!) I am in the pre-diabetic range with a 5.7. I'm not sure why he ignored this considering the reactions I had to sugar the past few weeks. I guess it's because there's really nothing to do besides keep watching my diet (I lost eight pounds!) and start exercising.

So there ya have it. I am a healthy menthole who needs to lay off sweets. Welcome to America.

Update on The G-Man

The Gentleman might be onto me. We haven't talked on the phone in quite some time. I don't even know the last time I called him. It's been mostly texts and emails.

I called him yesterday evening and got his voicemail. He called back a couple hours later, but I was already in bed and not in the mood for the talk.

I called him again this evening. He hasn't called back. This is not like him. He might know what's coming.

If he doesn't respond I'm going to leave it alone. While I'm all for being honest and breaking it off in an upfront way, I really don't want to do this. When I tried to break up with Mr. J over the summer, he said "God you're so serious!" Well I am serious when it comes to love. I want it and I don't want to hurt anyone on my way to finding it.

If he only made me laugh. BLERG.

Bro Love

When we first moved to New Jersey my mom would lock herself in the downstairs bathroom and cry everyday for a good year. She finally snapped out of it when my brother, then 5, gave his new friend a tour of our house. She heard him say, "...and this is our kitchen and this is our brown bathroom that my mom cries in because she misses New York..."

Around that same time, she felt the need to train us on what to do if someone broke into the house. "Kids, if there is ever an emergency. I will say 'Go feed the rabbits.' and then you guys run out the backdoor and get help." FYI: we lived in a nice, safe suburban area with lots of neighbors. We didn't have rabbits.

My brother reminded me of these two stories tonight. We had our monthly phone call when we both tell each other how fucked in the head we are, how we wish we were normal only to later decide normal people are boring, and how mental stability wasn't really in the cards for us considering we are our mother's children. I like these calls because I feel like he's my old platoon buddy, the only person I can talk to about life during and after the war.

We have a good laugh about mom, our self-involvement and self-loathing, and our yuppie fixes (meds, therapy, yoga, meditation). He tells me my problems are good problems and I tell him to stop obsessing about his hairline.

Rippie is turning 30 this year. It fascinates me that I've known of him for that long, but really only got to know him the past five years...

I love my brother. The end.

Fuck You, Build-A-Bear

I have tried to unsubscribe from Build-A-Bear Workshop's email blast at least seven times in the past two months.

I don't know how they even got my Gmail address since I always sign up for junk shit with my Yahoo account.

Build a fucking bear that will take me off your fucking email list! GAH!

Breaking it off.

I'm breaking it off with The Gentleman tonight. I need some Thighs therapy to get me through this...

If The Gentleman made me laugh things might be different. That's the only thing "wrong" with the guy. I'd really like to be friends. Maybe catch a Mets game one day.

The truth is I'm way too stressed out right now to be dating two people. There, I said it. I AM STRESSED OUT.

I'm trying my best to adjust to this new job, which I know I will love, but it's so many changes at once that it's a little overwhelming.

It doesn't fucking help that I've felt like shit the past three weeks. I am officially a hypochondriac now.

I still haven't gotten my Cobra information yet, so who knows how much my follow-up doctor appointment this week is going to cost me.

My mom has become my therapist and I'm worried that my stress is stressing her out.

My dad went for a biopsy today to see if he has prostate cancer. I've fooled myself into thinking I'm not worried, but I really am.

I miss feeling well enough to go out and have fun. I'm not even talking about boozing it up either. I had a great time cooking with the girls, at my friends' birthday party, and watching the Superbowl, but I am still not myself yet. I'd love to actually feel like I'm in the moment again.

Last but not least is MD. I like him too much to date other people right now. I have no clue what will happen next, but I'm willing to wait it out a bit longer. Plus, I fucking baked for the guy:



The Gentleman doesn't stand a chance. I can't string him along when I have all of the above on my mind. He deserves to be someone's first thought, not their eighth. I hope he finds someone more awesome and less anxious.

More Thingalings

Oatmeal is safe! My stomach was okay and I had more energy. In fact I felt pretty good yesterday morning until I put on my glasses. My head starting hurting and a felt hazy again. I'm now wondering if maybe my prescription is wrong. The guesswork is getting to me though, so I'm trying to ignore everything until I get the bloodwork back. It's taking longer than I thought, probably because he tested me for so many different things. Oh well. I have to power through as best as I can.

This morning was a little rough. I woke up with a really bad headache, which turned into a panic attack. I have to stop hoping I'm going to wake up feeling well because when I don't it depresses me. I talked myself down and feel pretty good now. I'm glad because I got plans, bitch! I'm heading out to Swaft for a bit, then over to my friends' birthday party in the city tonight. I haven't gone out in two weeks, so it will be nice to be social for a while.

Last night Bacon, Jarv, and Juniper came over to coach me through cooking. It was a success! I made lemon pepper chicken with quinoa and mixed vegetables. I was a little panicky when I first turned the stove top on because it smelled like gas, but it subsided. I'm really looking forward to cooking more, I'm just not quite ready to do it on my own yet. Tomorrow I'm going to make a Steelers cake for MD, so Bacon is going to hang with me while my oven is on. Baby steps. (Sorry I'm such a freak, guys. Having your non-judgmental support helped a lot!)

MD...I wasn't going to write about him because I know it's getting old, but I can't help it. He's all I think about. It's ridiculous, actually. I'd talk about him for hours if I knew I could do it without getting punched in the facenuts. I'm sure I'm just focusing on him more than usual as a distraction from being sick. Then again, I might be thinking about him the same amount as I usually do, but don't want to admit to myself that I am obsessing. Bygones. Either way, I need a hobby.

I know it's dumb, but I felt like football Sundays were our thing. We met at the beginning of the season and watched at least 10 weeks of games together. Tomorrow it's over. Ideally this is when we start going on actual dates. I'm trying not to think about Valentine's Day.

Okay. Whatever happens, happens. Whatever will be, will be. I'm going to have a great time with him tomorrow, hopefully the Steelers will win, and then Monday I will wake up and have a fabulous week at work. Done and done.

I'm eating oatmeal.

Let's see what happens...