Tuesday, April 15


Hello. I'm Thighs. I'm 30 years old and I almost got into a fistfight playing dodgeball.

Each season there are usually one or two teams with a dickfuck. A dickfuck is a guy who takes dodgeball waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyy too seriously. He cheats, ie doesn't leave the court when he gets hit. He curses at the ref when he doesn't agree with a call. He throws a bullet at the 115 pound non-athletic girl on the other team. And the best part, he curses and screams over absolutely nothing. Wait, strike that. He curses and screams over dodgeball.

Fortunately for all involved, Dickfuck's teammates are nice and/or irrelevant so they usually make his antics easy to laugh off. UNfortunately for all involved, this was not the case tonight.

Tonight we played The Ultimate Dickfuck Dodgeball (UDD) team. Not just one Dickfuck, but FOUR male Dickfucks and ONE female Dickfuck.

We had already played one round with The Nice team and were truly having a lot of fun. The minute UDD walked out on the court to play Nice team though, all hell broke lose. They cheated, they cursed, they took vicious shots. It wasn't ridiculous, it was scary and sad.

The whole vibe of the gymnasium changed. UDD took all the fun out of playing, for me anyways. My own teammates seemed bothered by them as well, but there was really nothing we could do except pray the referee would kick them out. UDD's attitude was that awful.

The weird part is they were a really good team. It was so unnecessary for them to take it to an un-fun level. Three of the male Dickfucks were at least 6'2" and very athletic while the fourth was, well he looked exactly like Matt Lucas in Little Britain. See below and laugh:

I can't speak for anyone else on the Doges, but I did NOT want to play UDD. I was very competitive in my youth, way too competitive. This is why I don't play hardcore sports now; I get so friggin worked up that's it just not fun. This is also why I play dodgeball for a NON-COMPETITVE league. TO. HAVE. FUN.

Um yeah, I sort of forgot to have fun tonight. I attacked the Female Dickfuck instead.

I don't really remember how it started, all I know is I said something like "This sucks." meaning how UDD were being jerks. Female Dickfuck screamed something like "No. You suck." and I sort of screamed something back at her like, "FUCK YOU, YOU FUCKING BITCH!" And by "sort of", I mean "I did."

I hulked out. I swear to Shizza if someone didn't hold me back (or um, three someones) I would have ripped the bitch's throat out. It would have been a good fight too; I think she was bigger than me. Definitely looked stronger. I would have used my secret weapon though...rage.

So what happened? What made me flip my shit on this poor Female Dickfuck over a stupid dodgeball game? I honestly don't know.

What I do know is that this is a very old pattern. My mom would instigate me to no end: call me names, scream, yell, hit, or just be plain nasty. When I couldn't take it anymore I'd flip the fuck out, but my flip-out would be so extreme that it erased the fact that she "started it." In other words the fight quickly became all my fault.

This happened at Company as well. Some Idiot would repeatedly screwed up, I repeatedly had to fix their mistakes, I'd finally lose my shit in frustration, and then it became a Thighs Issue rather than an Idiot Issue.

I feel like tonight had the same result. I flipped my shit and I became the Dickfuck. UDD didn't bring the negativity, I did. And you know what? It's true.

Rocks and Furbie have said that most people aren't comfortable with the level of confrontation that I am. Of course I thank my mom for this, but at what point will the rage-cord be totally cut? I know I've grown a helluva lot over the past year. I've learned to detach my emotions from my professional life, but how do I protect myself from other people's emotions??

Because really, tonight had nothing to do with dodgeball. It had to do with me absorbing UDD's negative energy, balling it up into a Zeloch orb, and firing it off at Female Dickfuck. So maybe the real question is:

When will I ever stop reacting!?!?

Ugh. What a night. Oh and nothing happened. Actually that's not true, after my outburst the male Dickfucks cooled their jets. So at least one good thing came out of it. Female Dickfuck didn't say anything to me and I don't blame her. I'm sure my face matched my purple t-shirt. SCARY.

I wish I could say I'm glad we didn't fight, but I'm not. I walked home by myself, half hoping she'd get her team to jump me in the street. Me against UDD. One Woman Army Corp. I'm sure I'd be in the hospital right now.

Today marks the most primitive day of my adult life. This afternoon I wanted to have sex so bad that I almost banged a homeless man. Tonight all I wanted to do was fight. When the fuck did I become a meathead??

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