Thursday, May 31

Thanks, Thighsighs.

Blogs are great for looking up the date of something...

I remembered weighing myself at Bacon's house right before I met MDLL's brother, which was January 29th.  I weighed 166 lbs during a day filled with booze and food.  This means I was probably 163 lbs in the morning.  My weight fluctuates at least 3-5 pounds from morning to night.

I've only gained five pounds in the past four months.  Why does it feel like more??  Is it because I'm working out, so it's shifting?  Now I don't feel so bad, but as you can read, I am obsessed with my weight today. 


Thar she blows.

I am a fat whale. 

Okay, no I'm not, but that's how I feel today.  Stupid pdiddy bloatedness.

I'm struggling with my body lately.  Last year I dropped the weight effortlessly, only because I was too scared to eat.  I had no idea I was only consuming 800 calories a day.  I knew I would eventually gain some weight back once I went off the yeast-free diet (which is WAY harder than going gluten-free), but I didn't think I'd get fat again!

Yesterday I weighed 166.  This is the lowest I've been sine 2005, not counting last summer's accidental anorexia.  The thing is, I FEEL it.  I feel every single pound I've gained.  I attribute this to my heightened awareness of my body, which is an amazing gift when I feel good.  Now, not so much.

This is nothing new.  I've struggled with my weight for years, wrote about it for years, whined about it for years.  I've lost and gained over and over again.  There is a difference this time around, though.  I'm exploring it as I type, so bear with me.  Stream of consciousness, GO!

i don't understand why i feel so fat righ tnow i've always been over weight but after last year it's just so upsetting to me to have body issues and the same OLD feeling of hating how i look. didn't i learn anything from last year??? life is short, good health both mental and physical is important, love myself, know thyself, as it is in heaven.  don't give me my daily bread becuase I will be glutened! Gah!! what the fuck Thighs??? you can't eat flour, beer, pasta, cupcakes, all the fattening food. what the fuck are you eating.  I will tell you.  Yesterday:

iced coffee with milk
Fage greek yogurt 2%
gluten-free Kind bar
grilled chicken with mixed grilled vegetables
3 rice cakes and carrots with most of a container of Sabre hummus
a bag of M&Ms

M&Ms are the new Peppermint Patties.  UGH.  I just need to work out. That's all I've ever needed!!  Get up off your lazy fat arse and move goddamn it.  Stupid idiot moron.  YOU KNOW HOW TO LOSE WEIGHT.  Why the fuck do we have to be on our "deathbed" in order to get our health in order??  Lately I've been wanting to punch fat people in the face.  Seriously!!  Who the fuck do I think I am!??!  When I see fatties walking down the street with their big gulps and limps and boulder cheek asses I want to beat them and say "WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU!?!? YOU'RE KILLING YOURSELF!" Same goes for smokers! I smoked and I loved it and it's FUCKING STUPID.  Every time a porker eats McDonald's and a smoker puffs a cig they are telling themselves they want to die. But what am I doing??  POT KETTLE BLACK, MUCH?  I may not be obese, but I'm not healthy.  My carrot, hummus, rice cake dinner is fucking stupid!  GAH! DUMB BITCH!  I hate weight, I hate clothes, I hate people who like working out only because I wish I was them.  I hate skinny-fat girls, I hate fat-fat girls, and I will always hate racists and litterers.  I'm literally and figuratively sizing up everyone I walk by because I am uncomfortable in my own skin.  And Thighs history has shown that chances of doing something about it are slim to none.  See what I did there? Fuck you!


Sorry folks, that's how I think.  At least that's how I used to think, one big run-onish sentence.  Auntie D has helped slow the thoughts down, but ladytime sends me back into a classic Thighs nutso.

The dumb part about this is I AM active.  In the past week I've jogged twice, did zumba, went fencing (which is a suprisingly good workout), exercising throughout the day ie squats, lunges, situps, and ONE pushup/plank.  I wanted to run this morning, but slept in so I'm going to walk the 4 miles home from work.  I'll be working out all weekend, too. 

So I AM doing things, I just wish I didn't look in the mirror and feel guilty, ugly, and whaley.

I like getting my period because that means I'm not preggers, but man, some months it sure does make me hate myself.  JERK RAG!

Cindy Sherman at MOMA

The first time I heard of Cindy Sherman was exactly three years ago when I saw some of her work at the Met.

On Monday I visited her newest exhibit at MOMA.  I was blown away!!  She is an amazing photographer, designer, and visionary.  She is both the artist and the subject, using disguises and props to create a different narrative and character in each untitled photo.

Here are a few of my favorites:

Untitled 131:

Untitled 70:

Untitled 699 (I think):

Also a short film called Doll Clothes that I love, love, LOVE:

Wednesday, May 30


I found my Target receipt!! Yay!

Good-bye POF

I deleted my Plenty of Fish account.  As much as I like to write on my blog, I hate writing online dating profiles.  This is circa 2007:

Headline: Looking for a best friend to smooch.

Description: I am a fun, creative, and passionate woman who loves to laugh and have a good time. I like writing, walking around the city, going out for drinks, going to baseball games, and watching football and movies. My life is pretty rockin' right now; the only thing missing is someone to share it with.

I'd like to meet a funny, caring guy who enjoys sports and/or comics, staying in just as much as going out, and giving good hugs. : )


Thursday, May 24

Drag Queen

No energy, no motivation, no patience...all I want to do is go home and sleep.  This week is draaaaaaagiiiiiiiiiiing.

Oh it's Thursday?  Okay, nevermind.  Week isn't dragging.  The work days are though!  Maybe I shouldn't take off again.  Apparently I can't bounce back into the swing of things.

Let's blame post-vacation vacationhead, the weather, social media, the internet, my cuticles for being disgustingly pickable, my cellphone, and the relative quiet at work.

In other words, let's blame everything else, but me!!

Wednesday, May 23

Another day, another dollar.

Holy WIRED. I got up at 6am, went for a jog, got coffee, came home, went through my garbage looking for a goddamn Target receipt, failed, got ready, picked up my happy meds, and came to work. In an hour I'll either be dancing on the ceiling or sleeping under my desk.

I'm pissed about this Target receipt because I shouldn't have bought the damn dress and tank top to begin with, THEN I changed my mind about returning them in Jackson before heading to NY. I can't believe I lost the darn thing! ARGH.

I went way over budget in Florida. Granted, my budget was a bit unrealistic for a six day vacation, but still. I logged everything in my spending tracker and gasped. Yikes. Thankfully I had the dough to spend!

My monthly budget isn't really a budget. I do allot for bills and necessities, then the rest is a free for all of fun money. I need to learn how to save!! I decided this summer I'm going to buckle down and curb my extra spending.

As for big trips, I'm going to Vegas in June for work which is basically free. I was planning to tack on a trip to the Grand Canyon, but I decided against it due to money and time. Anyone up for Arizona next year?? Diamondbacks and Sedona, too?

I do have a couple mini-weekend trips planned, though. Friday I am heading up to Providence to visit the Faces!! Woo hoo!! I can't wait to see the babes, Cale and Oliver! You too of course, Leeks and Pandy. : )

Next trip isn't until August when the Petes and I are heading to Atlantic City for Socks' bachelorette party. Yay!   I've only been there once.  I was 21 and broke with college friends who showed their racist side for the first time. What the fuck is wrong with people?? They also spent most of their money on coke and $20 blackjack tables, which I really didn't understand. The gambling, I mean. I did some lines, which was idiotic because then I got a headcold. When I did "gamble", the old ladies at the slot machines were so fucking angry and rude. "These ten machines are MINE!!!" I'm shaking my head at the memory. Obviously now I'm older with kizash and cooler friends, so this trip will be AWESOME. No cokecolds!!

So, if anyone wants to have some cheap NYC fun this summer, let me know! I plan on going to the beach as much as possible!!

Tuesday, May 22


The rundown...and pictures!

1. General

Travelling alone is very liberating!  If you are comfortable with your own thoughts, meeting new people and small talk, I highly recommend it.  Fuck it, even if you're uncomfortable with those things, take a solo mini-break somewhere close.  You might surprise yourself!

If you do travel alone on a beach vacation, there are two things you should buy:  spray sunscreen and a waterproof wallet. I used regular lotion sunscreen and missed a couple of spots on my back the first day.  Spray sunscreen might work better. The waterproof wallet was the best idea I ever had; I didn't have to worry about someone stealing my shit when I went in the water.

Speaking of swimming, while I was definitely the palest person on the beach, I didn't feel self-conscious about my body. There were plenty of thinner girls wearing too small, unflattering bikinis. My one-piece may be granny, but it's appropriate for my size.

2. Miami and South Beach, 05/12/12 - 05/14/12

Bus: I read some bad reviews about mass transit in Miami, but I decided to try it anyways. I didn't want to spend the money on a rental car for it to sit at the hotel. I guess if you're not used to riding a bus you'd be frustrated, but I thought it was great!! The Airport Flyer took me from MIA to Miami Beach for $2.35. All other bus rides were $2 and covered every where I wanted to go. A tip: be sure to buy an unlimited day pass at the airport because the bus drivers don't sell them. Also, if you are a guy, DO NOT SIT. Almost every time I was on the bus, a local loudmouth berated any man who didn't offer his seat to a woman. Granted, healthy young men should stand for ladies and the eldery, but some of these guys were insane. Strangest part was some of the seat judgers were racist about it, which I didn't understand at all.  Apparently dropping n-bombs is okay, as long as you are chivalrous. Half-jerks!

Baseball: Mets vs. Marlins, Marlins Park, #18! is in a gorgeous building, but the stadium was pretty ugly with this weird color green on the outfield walls. The infield wasn't any better; the natural grass isn't getting enough sunlight or water because of the roof so it looked dead and drab. The acoustics are awesome though - the roar of the crowd, the crack of the bat, the hundreds of Mets fans cheering the win! Woo hoo!

Hotel: I stayed at The Mimosa on Collins and 65th. It was a little out of the way, but fine for me considering I was in bed by 9pm both nights. I was exhausted! Next time, I'll pay a little extra to stay in South Beach.

Bars: Tobacco Road is Florida's oldest bar (it was a speakeasy during Prohibition), so naturally I wanted to check it out.  I was hoping for a LaFitte's or McSorley's type place dripping with history; instead I got Eminem and pretty college girls behind the bar. Booooo. Mac's Club Deuce in South Beach was perfect - dark and seedy, filled with locals drunk at noon. Definitely my kind of place! I played pool with a shark who looked like a skinny Danny Glover.

Beach: Lummus Park was glorious. The beach was clean, the water warm with lots of manageable waves.  The two drawbacks were the $15 umbrella rentals and no close bathrooms. It rained in the morning, so I ducked into a restaurant for breakfast. I met a girl named Kyree from DC and we ended up drinking until the sun came out. I was wasted before noon!! By the time I made it to the beach I had to pee so bad. I jumped in the ocean and peed in spurts for an hour and a half, even while talking to this good looking guy named Evan from Texas. I figured he had to feel it and would swim away so I can pee in peace, but he didn't. In fact, he invited me to dinner. I declined though. I went solo for a reason!

Serendipity: I've been looking for a chakra banner for a few weeks now to no avail. I thought it would be nice to put on the wall across from my bed, so I can see it when I wake up. Well I came across this store called 9th Chakra AND THEY HAD ONE!! Yay!

3. Fort Myers Beach, 05/14/12

Drive: Miami was super relaxing. The rest of the trip, not so much. I did a lot of driving, which was fun but exhausting. Monday morning I drove about three hours to Fort Myers. I haven't driven in about two years, so I was a bit nervous.I used to be an aggressive asshole road rage driver, but now I'm much calmer. I did get my Chevy Cruze up to 85, though. Boom! I'll never own a car in NYC, but I do miss the freedom of driving and singing to the radio at the top of my lungs.

My favorite part of the drive was going over the bridge from Fort Myers to Fort Myers Beach. It looked like a tropical mecca.

Hotel: I hung out on the north side near the Times Square section, which is a little area filled with bars and restaurants. Very quaint and chill town. Neptune Inn on the main strip is about a 10-15 minute walk to Times Square. The staff was very nice, the room was cute, and the view from my door was

Bars: The standouts were Shamrock's, which was right across the street from my hotel, Yucatan (I only had breakfast here, but it was delicious) and The Beached Whale.  Shamrock's is a divey Irish bar with some fun characters, especially Breadman the bartender. The best way to describe him is Keith Richards and Ernest's lovechild. The Beached Whale is a typical restaurant bar with a really cool bartender named...wait for it...FORCE THOMPSON. I never put real names on Thighs, but I had to make an exception. Force Thompson, if you Google yourself and find this blog, I had so much fun hanging out with you!

Beach: The Gulf of Mexico is AMAZING. The water was warm, the sand a soft powder. I LOVED it and can't wait to go back!

Past: I haven't seen my mom's friend Roseann in about 20 years. Her son and I are the same age, so we used to play together when our families lived in Brooklyn. It was really cool to see her - she's exactly as I remember! It was a bit trippy for the both of us. All Roe kept saying is I look like my mom. At one point she was so candid with her life, I think she forgot I'm NOT my mother for a while. Later on she became my second mother, giving me a look every time I had a drink at dinner. When she dropped me off back at the hotel, I hid in the lobby and went back to Shamrock's when she drove away. In case you forgot, I am 34.

Roe's daughter Lisa is about 10 years younger than me, so I didn't remember her much. She's AWESOME though, I'm so glad she joined us for dinner! I already invited her to come stay in NYC. Check out her amazing photography.

3. St. Pete Beach, 05/15/12

Drive: After another three hour ride from FMB to SPB I was GRUMPY. I tried to cure my slight hangover- tiredness with loads of coffee, but it backfired. My body was exhausted while my mind was racing...

Hotel:  The only thing keeping me from flipping out was my adorable room at The Postcard Inn.  This hotel is FANTASTIC.  My room was on the parking lot side, so I had no idea a beautiful garden, pool, bar, and beach was down the hall.  For some reason I didn't take any pictures outside! Fail, but win because I would stay there again in a heartbeat.

Bars:  The PCI Bar at my hotel on the beach was perfect. I wish I could live there.  I hit a couple of bars a little north, but it was an older and boring crowd.  Then again I was there during the off-season and drinking at noon on a Wednesday. FYI, rumrunners are disgusting.

I went out of my way a bit to hit The Drunken Clam, named after the bar in Family Guy.  Chris (?) the bartender was a sweetheart and it turns out he has lot of family in Queens! (I met at least four people who used to live in Astoria!)  I was talking to him for about 20 minutes when this loud, red, obnoxious guy called Whispers (no joke) walks in screaming about vaginas.  Naturally he and I hit it off because he reminded me of someone. It took me a while to was me! We had the same personality, sense of humor, look, everything.  He told people I was his sister from Nebraska. They believed it.  There was a little incest as we did make out at one point, but it wasn't right. We might actually be related.

I made out with another guy that night. He ended up being a loser from Astoria who actually pretended to call the Irish Rover (a local bar) to get dirt on me.  WTF??

Beach: AMAZING. How many times do I have to say it??

4. Clearwater, 05/16/12

Hotel:  My friends Palmio and AC are the coolest couple of all time. First, they are both extremely talented writers and artists.  Second, they are a ton of fun.  Third, their home is gorgeous and creatively decorated.  Last, they are generous and kind hosts!  I'm so grateful I got to spend time with them!  Unfortunately AC had to work on her next project, so we didn't get to spend much time together. I'll just have to visit again! 

Baseball:  Red Sox vs. Rays, Tropicana Field, #19!  Truthfully I felt as meh about the field as I did at Marlins Park. I am so spoiled with Citifield. It's my second favorite ballpark after Wrigley.  The inside hallways by right field is decorated as a carnival. It was really cute!  We didn't walk around the whole stadium though, so I did miss the Hitters Hall of Fame and the Rays aquarium.  Oops!! I was about five ciders in the bag from pre-gaming at the stadium bar.  Post-game drinks there, too!  Drunk!

Museum:  You must go to the Salvador Dali museum.  It's incredible!  I really only knew a couple of his paintings like The Persistence of Memory with the melting clocks.  This guy was absolutely insane, a mad genius with a paintbrush. I was blown away by pretty much everything, but this one got me most:

5. Fin, 05/17/12

That's about it!!  I had a great time with friends old and new, beaching, drinking, eating, and smiling.  There were quite a few "soul laughs", what I call the enlightened, grateful, and purely happy giggle that comes from within. I feel very blessed and fortunate to have the opportunity to take this trip on my lonesome. Truthfully I missed MDLL at times, but only because I knew he would have loved the beaches down there as much as I did. Whether I end up with him or not, I hope to make a solo vacation a somewhat regular thing.  Next time I will sit still, though!!

Friday, May 11

I finished something!

The most important thing I had to do before leaving for Florida...


Ruth Clare FTW!

Thursday, May 10


This was a wacky week.  It's FINALLY Thursday and now I have massive vacationhead. Yay!  Things:

Tonight is the wake for my great aunt.   I'm bummed out by death right now.  It's a silly way to describe how I feel, but really, what else can you say?  Dying's a bummer to the living.

Work is boring.  All I do is coordinate issue resolutions and update lists.  I really don't know why the client is still paying for me to be here at this point, but I ain't complaining!  My boss said we have some good prospects for new clients, so I'm sure things will pick up soon.

I'm in a bit of a body image funk, probably because this is the first time I'm going on a real beach vacation.  Last year all I could focus on was getting healthy, so body issues were the furthest thing from my mind.  Then one day I woke up 30 pounds lighter and had to get used to a new body I wasn't mentally prepared to live in yet.  I've since gained 10 pounds and I feel it.  At 165, I'm still the lightest I've ever been in my adult life, however I'm not in shape.  I haven't been in years.  I don't understand why I won't work out...

I love to bike ride, do activities (so many activities!), and practice yoga.  I cancelled my NYSC membership because I never go, plus gyms seem so claustrophobic and mechanical to me now.  I like the outdoors and the space in a proper yoga studio.

So it's not like I'm completely inactive, it's just getting fit still isn't a priority to me.  In some ways I feel worse than I did at my heaviest (192) because I'm more in tune with my body now.  Sober, too.

I joked about being the chubby pale woman on the beach, but truthfully I'm insecure about it.  I'd much rather be naked then in a bathing suit!  I guess it's because in my mind Miamians are tan, exotic looking size twoers.  Ha! Actually my other impression of Floridians is toothless backwoods rednecks, so maybe the Miamians won't be so bad.

I have yet to train for the 10K which is exactly 30 days away.  I'll still do it because I love the energy, but it's doubtful I'll run much.  Then again last time I barely trained and I managed to finish in 78 minutes. 

I'm in my thirties now...why the hell am I acting like an insecure teenager??  I've had so much fun in this body, why stress about it's imperfections?  I should embrace what I've accomplished with it.  That being said, if I want to be healthy and fit, I need to work on it.

I don't think it's laziness with me.  It's rebellion.  I don't want to HAVE TO workout, so why should I?  The pleasure of rebelling outweighs the pain of having the legs of a 60 year old chunker, which I do, thanks to my see-through skin.  Spider veins!

Oh fuck it.  This vacation is for me to relax, have fun, and get away from it all.  "All" includes my hang ups and negativity.  So shut up, Thighs, have fun, and ENJOY!

Monday, May 7

Death, Family, Love

My Great Aunt Bernie died this weekend at 92. She's my grandmother Dottie's twin sister. My grandmother died in December 2001. I miss her very much, more than I thought I would. My strained relationship with my mother made me keep my distance from her family. It saddens me to think I missed out on so many years of getting to know my grandmother because I was so hurt by mom's bullshit. I told Grandma this when she was in hospice care a couple of weeks before she passed. I truly am sorry I wasn't mature enough to understand who and what I lost at the time. I'm grateful I know now.

My mom's family is pretty interesting. It's a matriarch of crazy, strong, independent women. There were three sisters at the top, my grandmother, Aunt Bernie, and Aunt Gerry who passed away back in 1995. Since I've been reading the bible...

Aunt Gerry wed Jack and begot two daughters, Diane and Patty. Aunt Bernie wed Berger and begot Gail, Jeannie, and Brucie. Dottie wed Barney and begot Janet (my mom) and Brian. Somehow the sisters and their families all managed to end up living in the same apartment building on 49th Street in Sunset Park. There were plenty of other family members in the neighborhood, too. My mom has some hysterical stories about them all, usually involving the adults being bombed and the kids running amok. My favorite story isn't a drunken one, just a typical Irish/German woman giving the business. My grandfather Barney's real name is Bernard. He used to go by Bernie, but when my grandmother met him she said, "That's my sister's name, so I'll call you Barney." The bloodline of ballsy outspoken women runs deep.

Out of the seven kids between them, five went on to beget 14 grandchildren who begot 22 (and counting) great grandchildren. My Uncle Brian and Aunt Mary Ann never had kids. Brucie died at a young age. I believe he was trying to break up a fight in the streets one day and one of the thugs stabbed him. My mom said it was horrible and that's what broke up Aunt Bernie and Uncle Berger's marriage. Unfortunately Aunt Bernie also outlived Jeannie, who died last year.

I can't imagine losing a child. When I think about having a kid, I worry about something bad happening. What happens if he gets sick or I hurt him or he's is in a freak accident? I know I shouldn't even consider these things now, but they are out there. I wouldn't wish the loss of a child on anyone.

I'm afraid of dying for a couple of reasons. My biggest fear comes courtesy of a Tales from the Crypt episode where a guy is conscious through his autopsy and coffin burial. That sounds awesome. My next fear is the act of dying. I hope we all die fast and peacefully in our sleep. I guess that's really it. Fingers crossed death isn't a bad panic attack or a claustrophobic nightmare you can't escape.

Spiritually I have no problem with death. I like believing I can talk to my grandmother whenever I want. Even my freshman softball coach Mr. Neuse, who passed away a few years ago, pops into my head when I go to a game or pretend to make an unassisted triple play in my living room. I shudder at the idea they watch me shower or have sex or worse, have sex with myself, so I have a strict rule - no visits when I'm naked. Or at least don't let me know you're there. Shudder.

Of course if anyone I am close with today died I would be devastated. I am sad over Aunt Bernie because family is family, even if she was only a regular at parties rather than someone I knew on a personal level.  She was a good, decent woman, and I'm happy she lived a full life.

It's a funny thing, family. Hurt, love, happiness, pain, such a mixed bag of emotions and experiences. I'd love to punch my mom in the face right now, but I won't because one day she won't be here. It's also her birthday today, so that would just be rude.

I don't say this nearly enough...I love you, friends. Be well.

Sunday, May 6

Wedding Rings

This started happening a couple of months ago.  WHO AM I!?!?!!

Saturday, May 5

There is no right. There is no wrong.

My mom is freaking out about me going on a solo vacation.  I've known this because she hasn't said a word about it.  FYI, when extremely talkative people don't mention something, it's because they don't agree with your point of view. Surprise!

Yesterday she finally emailed me asking if she can join.  "This trip is making me uneasy." "I'll leave you alone...I'll watch all of your stuff when you swim in the ocean...I won't even talk to you."

My mom is retired, so a lot of her time is spent worrying about Rippie and I.  It's annoying, which is ironic because it bothers me because I'M worried about HER stress levels.  Stupid.

We talk every morning on my way into work.  It started when I got sick last year and we've both grown to like it.  Unfortunately, if I don't call at my usual time she'll frantically call me, "Are you okay? Are you testing me? Why haven't you called?"  Yikes.

When I read her email about Florida I flipped out.  My knee-jerk reactionary email was something like this:

"Absolutely not.  I am 34 years old, begrudgingly single because you made me feel like shit about MDLL, and a consultant, which means you better get used to me traveling alone.

You wanted a strong, independent daughter.  Well you got one, so stop stressing and cut the cord.  I like our daily phone calls, but if talking this much is making you codependent we will need to take a break."

A few minutes later I wrote:

"Sorry, I shouldn't have responded right away."

What I really was sorry about was mentioning MDLL.  It's partly true, though.  While I absolutely blame him for dragging his feet on the divorce, my family added what I feel was unnecessary judgmental and hurtful stress to the situation.

They don't see it like this, though.  This was reiterated by the screaming match my mom and I had a couple of hours ago. Somehow this trip became about her, MDLL, and my life choices:

"Who in their right mind, male or female, travels alone in this day and age?"

"Maybe it's my fault you have such low self-esteem and stayed with MDLL for so long."

"You should print out your email and bring it to your therapist, see what she says."

She was yelling all of these things, so I started yelling back.  She hung up at some point, but my dad was still on, so I started yelling at him.  I told them to fuck off and thanks for nothing. It was a lovely old-school McGee Family screamfest that ended with me crying in bed for an hour.

I'm trying to retrain myself to believe there is no right or wrong when it comes to opinions and choices. It's really hard, but I feel like it helps me manage my reactions and expectations.

My mom is not right or wrong.  She loves me and is worried about my safety on this trip and my future with MDLL. Or any guy, really.  My mom has not found ways to manage her stress and anxiety.  She married young and is unable to relate to my lifestyle.

I am not right or wrong. I love my mom. I still have trouble calming down when she riles up the ragesnake. I love MDLL.  I am able to measure our relationship based on our shared intimate experiences, not on his drawn-out separation.  I know others can't do this, nor do they have to.  I do wish my mom would be supportive instead of hurt my feelings, though.

Deep breath.  I will not let this ruin my trip.

There is no right. There is no wrong.  There is only understanding.

Friday, May 4

Hermit the Log

This was THE BEST WEEK EVER! Know what I did? I will tell you:

Saturday I had an awesome day of bike riding and drinking with Janeypants. LOVE!

Sunday I napped, did yoga, and ate sushi.

Monday - Thursday I was a total hermit.  All I did was work, Florida trip planning, AND A PUZZLE. Ruth Clare totally took over this week! I've had this puzzle forever (college maybe?) and had yet to do it. It's a 550 piece picture of an underwater sea goddess scene. It's really pretty, but MAN is it hard! Is puzzle inadequacy a thing? I actually had to remind myself I was doing this for fun and not get frustrated. It was a real eye-opener for me. I love to learn yet I hate being bad at things, so basically I only want to be taught or practice what I'm naturally good at. Pisces!

I am SUPER excited my Florida trip. I kind of love how it's coming together a little at a time. Early morning next (!!) Saturday I'm flying to Miami to catch the 1pm Mets/Marlins game. I booked a hotel room in Miami Beach for two days. I'll probably spend the first night hanging out in North Miami Beach, then all the next day down in South Beach. I will be the one person under an umbrella wearing a hat, long sleeves and pants.

The only other finalized plan is on Wednesday the 16th. I will be in Tampa/St. Petersburg for the Salvador Dali museum and the Red Sox/Devil Rays game with my friends who live in Clearwater. I'm crashing at their place that night, then I'm flying to NJ the evening of the 17th. I decided to head down to Jackson for a day or two for my mom's birthday/mother's day and to help them clean out the basement. My parents kept everything I did not throw out myself. I'm definitely saving my Baby-Sitter Club books, but I'm not sure about any of my toys. I thought keeping all of my Barbies would be nice, but I don't want the Costco-sized Stay Free Maxi-Pad box they are in taking up space in my apartment. Maybe I'll save a couple and give the rest to charity instead...

So that leaves Monday the 14th and Tuesday the 15th up in the air. The drive from Miami to Tampa is pretty long, so I will most likely stop in the Fort Myers or Sanibel area for some more beach time. I'm going to finalize that part of the trip tonight. SO EXCITED!!

OH! I "broke up" with Saturday Night guy. We played phone tag last weekend, then he called Wednesday night. I told him he's a great guy (not really, just hot) but I don't feel single. Maybe if he blew me away with his personality I'd want to keep this going. Who knows, all I do know is I love MDLL and am excited to give our relationship a second chance (Seventeenth chance? Bygones.)

I guess that's it! Tonight is more trip planning and puzzling, maybe some shopping for summer threads. Tomorrow is Cinco de Metso and a few parties. Sunday is my Groupon archery lesson! WOOT! I must must MUST start running, too. June 9th 10K will be here soon!