Wednesday, February 24

Blasts from the Past

I'm so done with Banana, but one last thing to mention is that we were introduced over a year ago. He was the first blast from the past I ran into this month. The other, who I'll name Con-Red, was on the subway with me on Monday.

Con-Red and I met at New York Comic Con last year. I spotted his red hair from across a huge conference room and immediately went into gingervitic convulsion. I HAD to meet him and I HAD to marry him. He had no choice. Unfortunately he was leaving the panel early and I couldn't run after him since I was watching Furbie's 10 year old son at the time. I was cockblocked by a child. Poop.

No sweat though, I had a feeling I'd find him and three hours later I did. I sidled up to him and said "I like redheads" (smooth) and within ten minutes we exchanged numbers and made tentative plans for the following weekend. Score!

Our date was on Valentine's Day. It was the longest date I ever had that did not involve a sleepover. We met at 2pm to see a movie in Union Square (Fanboys, we're both nerds), went out to eat, went to a bar to play pool, then ended up going into Williamsburg to two more bars and eventually seeing his friend's band play. I think we parted ways around 11pm. You'd think this would mean it was a great date, right? Wrong. It wasn't bad, it was just a bit random. He definitely wasn't my type...

Strike one, he arrived in a trench coat with a Blossom pin on it. Like Mayim Bialik Blossom.

Strike two, we ate at Johnny Rockets. His choice. Look, I'm not a snob. I don't need someone to spend a lot of money on a date, but who the hell eats at a chain restaurant in Manhattan??? (Okay, I'm a snob.)

Strike three, he talked the whole entire time except when he asked me about my dating experience. When I told him I never had a serious relationship before he actually asked, "What's wrong with you?!?!?".

Strike four, we were sitting outside by the bonfire at Union Pool. It was slightly chilly yet he was freakishly shivering like a little girl. Gay.

Strike five, he wants to get a huge Alf tattooed on his arm from his shoulder down to his elbow. ALF. From Melmac. The fact that I remember Alf's home planet means I am a total fan of the sarcastic cat-eating alien, but that doesn't mean I want to wake up to him every morning...

Which leads to the final strike. At the end of the night I thought maybe he'd be such a good kisser that it will make up for everything. As we parted ways I went in for the kiss and he pulled back saying there were too many people around. Double gay.

I don't remember anything after that night. I'm not sure if he called, I'm not 100% sure of his name. On my way home from work on Monday I was sitting on the V train looking out the window when I felt someone watching me. I whipped my head around and there he was standing three feet away, staring right at me. I immediately recognized him because of his hair, but I don't know if he recognized me. (I was wearing my glasses and my hair is a bit darker. I'm actually feeling a bit mousy lately, but that's a whole other post.) We both looked away, then he got off the next stop.

I'm still a little surprised I didn't say anything to him. I'm a firm believer that people from your past show up when you need them to, maybe to give you a message or remind you about something from that time in your life. Con-Red didn't rock my world, but he was my first date of 2009. If I hadn't gone up to him at the con, it's quite possible I would have went down a totally different dating path last year. Hell, in some weird way, maybe I should have thanked him for meeting Tat.

So what message did these two guys give me this year? To be strong? Have faith? Keep trying? I'm not sure...

Oooo, maybe it's to trust my instincts again! I didn't doubt for one second Con-Red and I weren't meant to be. I also followed my instincts by not saying hello to him on the subway. The Banana situation was a little fucked, but again, it ended with me realizing I need to trust myself more...

Okay that's gotta be it. Lesson learned! Thanks blasts from the past!

Mortgage Thug Mugs

How did they find not one, but two missing links for their mortgage ad? This has to be a joke, right?

And yes, I was looking up how to say Thursday in Spanish. Buenas noches!

Sunday, February 21

Happy Lunar New Year!

Today is the 11th annual Lunar New Year celebration in Chinatown.  I went last year and never got around to posting the pictures.   I never got around to posting anything in 2009...

I highly recommend going.  Enjoy!

I thought this little girl was adorable:

My favorite picture:


I heard this word four times on TV today, thrice (thrice!) in Almost Famous and once in Californication.

Then I discovered it's a movie title as I was going through the Netflix new releases.

I guess I'm really supposed to know what this word means today, huh?

in·cen·di·ar·y   [in-sen-dee-er-ee]

1. used or adapted for setting property on fire: incendiary bombs.
2. of or pertaining to the criminal setting on fire of property.
3. tending to arouse strife, sedition, etc.; inflammatory: incendiary speeches.
4. tending to inflame the senses: an incendiary extravaganza of music and dance.

5. a person who deliberately sets fire to buildings or other property, as an arsonist.
6. Military. a shell, bomb, or grenade containing napalm, thermite, or some other substance that burns with an intense heat.
7. a person who stirs up strife, sedition, etc.; an agitator.

Wow. Well from Banana and Grape's point of views I definitely am an incendiary based on the last definition and this week's events.

For the others, um yeah...I'm never trying to cook again.

Saturday, February 20


It's Saturday night. I'm home relaxing, sitting here smelling the rancid toot I just laid while trying to ignore the five inch roll hanging over my sweatpants both of which are due to the plethora of beers I drank this past week.

There's a million things I wanted to post about recently, but at this point I think I'm over it. My last post pretty much sums it up anyways, so there's no need to dive into the disappointing details. I have nothing against bananas (JJ!) it just seemed a fitting fruit choice considering the source of my stress this week has one. In his pants. Penis.

Despite all of the drama of late I learned a few things:

1. It's never cool to toy with someone's emotions. Uncle Ben said "with great power comes great responsibility." As much as I don't want to think of love as a power struggle, at times it can be. If you know someone likes you, it's your responsibility to behave in a way that lets them know where they stand and doesn't give mixed signals. Nothing's worse than thinking one thing and finding out the complete opposite is true. Who likes to feel crazy and/or delusional?? Been there, done that and it ain't fun.

This realization led me to make a really hard decision. I told Tat that we can't be friends right now. We hung out last Friday and it was clear we cannot have a platonic relationship, and I don't just mean physically. We have an emotional bond that I've never had with someone else before, one that could cause a lot of pain if it's mistreated. Even though I'll really miss him, I know it's the right thing to do.

2. I'm not damaged goods. I was telling Banana how I'm sick of being creatively frustrated and that I need to rip the band-aid off and go for it. His response was "Are you saying you're damaged goods?" I thought this was a really odd question to ask based on the conversation, but I realize now this question wasn't about me, it was about him.

My answer was a resounding "No." It was the first time in my life that I knew in my core and in my soul that I am definitely not damaged goods. Sure I've been refurbished a few times, but I don't see that stopping any time soon especially if my definition of mint keeps changing.

3. Listen to my gut. Not my beer gut, my instinct gut. My beer gut sounds like a clogged drain. My instinct gut sounds like the woman I want to be.

4. My friends are the most important people in my life. This week would have been a lot shittier if it wasn't for those who comforted me and for the ones I know who would have if they were here.

5. I'm fine!!! Really, I am. I allowed myself to mourn, cry, and feel down without sinking into a massive depressive episode. My new year's resolution still stands. I will be positive and keep moving forward!!

That being said...thank Shizza this week is over!

Wednesday, February 17

Fruit Logic

If an apple and a banana were talking and the banana said to the apple, "I like hanging out with apples. I hung out with oranges and I didn't enjoy them as much as apples." would it be wrong for the apple to assume:

A. Banana likes apples.
B. Banana does not like oranges as much as apples.
C. Banana will stop hanging out with oranges.

A and B are logical conclusions. C is not. Banana didn't say anything about not hanging out with oranges, it merely said it enjoyed the company of apples more. Apple wrongly assumed the banana would take action against oranges, when no action was mentioned.

Now if banana continued with, "I told grape I don't like oranges either and discussed keeping them out of the fruit bowl. Grape was okay with this as long as I'm happy." would it then be safe to assume:

A. Grape and banana are friends.
B. Banana does not want oranges in the fruit bowl.
C. Grape is okay with not having oranges in the fruit bowl.
D. Grape doesn't want oranges in the fruit bowl either.

Again A and B are good. C and D are not. You might argue C is good, but if banana is a douchebag liar then it is not. And if banana is a douchebag liar, then none of the above is true either and not worth continuing. Deductive reasoning and lies don't mix.

How does this story end? A couple days later banana decides to tell apple that oranges are better. In the meantime apple told prune what banana said and it gets back to grape. Grape is infuriated that apple hung out with banana in the first place and tells apple to stay away from banana. Banana gets away with it all and ends up marrying an orange. Apple is banished from the fruit bowl and hopes someone will make pie soon.

The end.

Thursday, February 11

I keep farting.

That is all.