Wednesday, January 30


A guy who looks exactly like Chris Pratt - sexy, gingerish, bulging, hunk of a man.

Must be:

available - not married, separated, damaged from divorce, or with girlfriend but "having problems"
caring and kind
funny - cracks me and others up
assertive and driven without being a dick about it
responsible and mature in ways that matter ie job, home, finances, family, relationships, etc.
interested in new life experiences
makes friends easily
enjoys being social
a good communicator
ready for marriage and open to having children
politically open-minded, although leans to the left on social issues
religiously open-minded

Must like:

movies, especially action ones
sports, especially football and baseball
comics or at least superheroes in general
drinking but not a drunk...well not a worse drunk than me
trying new activities (so many activities!)
living in NYC
the color blue

Monday, January 21

Me, now.

Love Wounds

The AQ girls and I went to brunch on Saturday, then kept drinking for ten more hours.  It was a blast, per usual!! 

Also per usual, I saw MDLL.  He texted me around 10pm or so saying he really needs to talk and wanted to see me.  It sounded urgent (as urgent as a text can sound), so I told him to meet me at my place. 

This was dumb.

I woke up around 8am. He was in bed lying next to me. I was like, "MDLL, what the fuck happened last night?"  The only thing I remembered was poorly rolling a joint.  Ever wipe and find twisted toilet paper strands in your undies next time you go to the bathroom?  That's what my joint looked like.

He came over to tell me he loves me, misses me, and wants to get back together.  I told him no.

I'm done. Super done. It breaks my heart that we didn't work out, but I can't do this anymore.  We are broken up and we need to start acting like it. Each time we speak or hang out we have to breakup all over again. Our wounds will never heal at this rate. We're picking the scab, then pouring salt on it. It's horrible.

I'm not sure what to do.  I don't want to ignore his calls or be mean. I don't want to avoid Crazy Ass, although I do make a point of going there when I know he won't be.  If there was a way to speed up the healing process I would do it for the both of us.  Relationship Neosporin, if you will.

I love MDLL as I do an old friend.  I don't feel IN love with him anymore. I hate the line, but I really don't know any other way to describe how I feel right now.

I want to be with someone who spazzes out over life, love, and me.  MDLL is too passive to spaz out over anything. While I appreciate his calming demeanor and want someone who is my rock, I also want someone who is fun-nuts like I am.  Okay, maybe I'm nuts-nuts, but you know what I mean.


Friday, January 18

I'm up I'm up!!

Two weeks after a depressing start to the new year, I feel AWESOME.  Awesomely awesome.  It's the pattern for manics, updownupdownupdown.  I'm going to cherish this "up" while I have it.

In therapy yesterday I cried my eyes out about MDLL.  It was a great release.  I've said this before and you have no reason to believe me, but it really does feel like his chapter of my life is over. I'm back to going after my Taco Lobster, the he-me or He-Thighs, and I can't wait to meet him. 

I look at my couple friends and I'm SO incredibly fortunate to say they all mesh extremely well.  They inspire me to keep looking and give me the hope and confidence I desparately need to not give up.  Thanks, you!

Working from home is now my new favorite thing.  I LOVE IT.  I'm sure it will suck if I have another lonely week, but right now it fucking rules.  I put in my time ON my time, meaning I'm not strapped to a straight eight hour work day.  Of course this means I can easily work over eight hours, but I'm okay with it.  I like my projects and I'm having fun re-learning an app called Qlikview, which funnily enough I was first introduced to way back in my Company days.  It's amazing how life comes full circle.

My apartment is clean, my fridge is stocked, my dishes are done, and I'm saving at least $15 a day by not buying lunch or coffee.  I talk to myself, dance around, and smile a helluva lot more than I did at Minnow with my waste-of-space bosses.

Consulting is the best fit for someone who hates stupidity, authority, and worst of all, stupid authority.  It's also great if you are a social person who likes working alone.  Sounds like an oxymoronish thing, but it's not.  I love team work and brainstorming, but I also love doing discovery and cranking shit out on my own without a boss like Tennis looking at me like a dog - head cocked to one side, blank yet confused stare, and some slobber.

Tonight I'm heading to Doll's to celebrate Rage and Brawny's birthdays. I've been on a museum kick lately, so I might try and hit MOMA beforehand because it's free Friday evenings. Oooo, remind me to share my thoughts on some of the exhibits I saw this month.

I have brunch plans both Saturday and Sunday, one with the Astoria gals and another with my Company gals. Other than that I am free, which is nice.  Monday's a holiday for Biz, but not for any of my clients, so I will be working as needed. 

I'm more inclined to post when I'm feeling down or need to get things off my chest, so this year I'm making a point to share my positive up days.  Life is good, it's Friday, and I am happy.  YAY!

Tom's of Maine

A few months ago I made the switch from regular toothpaste to Tom's of Maine natural toothpaste.  I read most toothpastes may have sugar or at least a bit of saccharin in them, so I decided to ditch the old stuff and go hippie.  I love it.  Whenever I use regular toothpaste it tastes gross now.

I started using Tom's Naturally Dry anti-perspirant and deodorant a while back as well.  I don't remember having an opinion about it, so I'm assuming it was fine.  I ran out of it a few weeks ago and accidentally grabbed their Long Lasting Deodorant, rather than the sweat reducing one.


About 3-4 hours after applying their "deodorant", I smell like I'm storing Blimpies in my armpits.  It is awful.  I've always been a big sweater since puberty.  I was the kid in class who had huge sweatpockets or smelled waaaaaayy too much like Secret because I was afraid I stunk.  Oddly enough I only remember getting made fun of about it once, but that one time was enough.

In college my doctor prescribed me Drysol, a hardcore anti-perspirant for excessive sweaters.  You apply the roll-on liquid before bed and to ensure it stays put, they recommend you wear a tight t-shirt or SARAN WRAP YOUR PITS.  I believe I saran wrapped once. I felt like Kathy Bates in Fried Green Tomatoes.  Actually, I'm surprised I never created the whole dress...

My word Drysol burns, especially if you get it on the non-pit part of your underarm.  It friggin works though, probably because it's cauterizing your sweat glands.  A new Thighs was born - a pitstain free one who now extended her whole arm out to flag the bartender rather than timidly try to get his attention with a T-rex reach.

I'm not sure how long I used Drysol...maybe 4 or 5 years?  I never really had the excessive pit-sweat problem after that, but I'm sure that has more to do with being on thyroid medication now. You know, because everyone over 30 LOOOOVES blaming their thyroid for things.  I still sweat a lot when it's hot out or I'm exercising (??), but on a normal day I don't have to worry about raising my arm and looking like a band teacher.  Example*:

That said, it is now apparent I need to wear both anti-perspirant and deodorant AND ditch the natural stuff.  If I smell like processed meats, I might as well use processed odor protection.

This post was written for anyone who had the unfortunate experience of smelling me as of late. SORRY!  I bought two boxes of Secret Clinical Strength yesterday. You're welcome.

*Yes, a normal day is me pretending to get balloon splooge in my eye.

Thursday, January 17

Dream: Our Wedding Day

My parents, extended family, and friends from throughout my life were standing outside, within the outer wall of a big fort/castle type of building.

I was getting dressed inside the fort in a nearby room, one that kept switching between my grandmother's bedroom and a hotel room.  It was my wedding day. My outfit switched between jeans and a long white tunic, to a white flowy top and pants men would wear in the desert.  My mom came in, but I don't recall what she said.

I looked at myself in the mirror.  My veil was short and white with blue beaded and gemmed tassles dangling down the front like dreadlock bangs.  The neckline of my white shirt also had blue beads and gems. Both my veil and shirt clashed with the huge tacky blue earrings I was wearing, so I took them out. 

Hanging on a nearby rack was my mom's wedding dress and accessories.  I took the beaded veil off and put on my mother's flower crown, which was yellowed from age.  I hoped she would like that I was wearing it.

I cried the whole time I was getting ready.  All I kept thinking was, "I don't love MDLL. I don't want to marry him."  I sobbed and sobbed.

When I got outside my dad gave me a hug.  I told him I didn't want to go through with the wedding.  He said it was too late now.  A friend came over, but I don't know who she was as her face was blurry. I believe it was an acquantaince from high school (Becky Pepe, maybe?), which is odd because we weren't close.  She hugged me and said, "It will all be okay. You DO love each other, it's just really hard right now."

As I approached MDLL he wiped his eyes. I couldn't tell if he was crying because he loved me or didn't want to get married either. We had been fighting every day up until the wedding.  I was afraid he would leave me at the altar, yet I wished I had the guts to leave him there.

The ceremony took one second.  We were married, but we didn't see each other for a couple of days. I finally called him.  I said, "Husband?"  He answered, "Wife?" I smiled, my heart filling with love for him like the old days.

No need to analyze this dream, huh?  Welcome to my subconscious, friends. It's a hoot in there!!

Tuesday, January 15

Happy New Year!

I finally feel like writing. Joy for you!!

January 1st - 6th

After a splendid NYE in Times Square at Rock and Row's apartment, followed by bar hopping and diner eating until 5:30am with Gerf, I barely moved from my couch on New Year's Day.  I watched 10 hours of Homeland.  TEN. HOURS.  Then shit went, well, not okay.

I became uber depressed that week.  I haven't been really down in a very long time.  I'm still not sure what happened and I'm fine now, but it was not good.  Some ideas:

1.  My PMS depression seems to be getting worse with age.  You would think being on Auntie D would help, but it doesn't.  I looked up some ways to reduce the effects of PMS naturally, which is eating right, exercising, and taking vitamins.  Basically the cure for all ailments. I am going to be very diligent about taking care of myself next cycle to see if it helps.

2.  I work from home now, so I was pretty lonely.  Not a great feeling when I'm already down.

3.  This might sound silly, but the last two episodes of Homeland Season 1 bothered me.  

**SPOILER ALERT! Skip to point 4 if you haven't seen it or Juniper will yell at me.** 

Without giving too much away, a character is gaslighted.  The first time I heard this term was watching All My Children with my mom.  Chandler set Dixie up to believe she was trying to kill their baby by planting ripped up baby clothes and some other shit around the house. Eventually she went crazy, although I'm not sure how the story ended.  Knowing soap operas, it's probably still going on 25 years later.

Anyways, gaslighting scares the fuck out of me.  It's hard enough to trust I'm not already going nuts sometimes, so to have a person scheme to do it to me is horrifying.  The show was unsettling.

4.  I'm officially 190 pounds, the heaviest I've ever been.  I definitely look fatter and my clothes don't fit, but strangely enough my thigh muscles feel big and strong. Maybe the fat is underneath them? Who knows?  Talk about a yo-yo diet, huh?

5.  Last but not least, the inevitable MDLL part.  I was DEVASTATED after NYE.  I felt worse about our breakup and failed relationship than I ever had before.  I kept telling myself to just get through the holidays and football, so when both ended (the Giants and Steelers aren't in the playoffs) I guess my armor fell and I felt everything. I cried for five days straight until I decided I needed to see him that Sunday.

I made an excuse to get the rest of my stuff - a scarf, hair dryer, and beach umbrella. Critical things I can't live without. obviously.  Long story short there were the usual tears, hugs, professions of love, sex, fun, laughs.  We had a good night.

January 7th - 12th

The next morning I got my period and my depression immediately went away.  It's true it could have been the sex or seeing MDLL, but I don't think so.  Every month is the same thing lately; the minute I get my period I'm fine.

Monday through Wednesday I was up in Rochester working with Iron. It was a nice and productive visit!!  The rest of the week was pretty low-key (I think), at least until Saturday.  I went to the salon to get my hair bleached back to blonde.  I'm done with the red.  Wait, did I share my red hair thoughts??? 

The first time I went red I was 19. Shortly after I dyed it I met Psycho Joe, my first boyfriend.  I went back blonde, we broke up, the end.  What's interesting is the three times I've gone red since then were always when my heart ached - PJ and I had a lot of problems, a guy I liked got married, and now when MDLL were slowly breaking up.  While I've always been attracted to redheads, I seem to dye my own hair red when I want to feel attractive or not feel like myself.  I guess most people change their appearance after a breakup, so it's nothing new.  The pattern of my gingerness just never occurred to me before.

The stylist was able to get my hair to strawberry blonde for now.  I like it a lot, so I'm happy not being my natural color just yet.  When I came home I BAKED.  I was inspired to make gluten-free bacon and apple cider biscuits for Bacon's bacon party.  They came out awful, but I USED MY OVEN ALL BY MYSELF!! Yayayayayayayayayay!!  After that I went to Megkefel's son Henry's birthday party, the bacon party, and a bar where I met some Albania men who bought me a drink and tried to get me to go to some shitty euro-snobby club in the neighborhood.  I declined.  It was a super fun action packed day!

January 13th

Sunday was another delightful day of brunch and a movie with Juniper and Jarv.  Later that night MDLL came over again.  This time it was not great.

I haven't wanted to write or talk about him much because it's all the same shit.  Plus, why would anyone believe we're still broken up or he's truly processing his divorce at this point?  Well fuck it, I need to talk about it.  Here are my problems:

1.  I don't understand how I could love him more than anything, then fall out of love with him

2.  I don't understand how he says he loves me, yet repeatedly hurt me

3.  I am afraid to get back with him

4.  I am afraid of being alone and won't be able to find my Taco Lobster

5.  I am afraid I'll run out of time before I can have a kid.  I considered asking MDLL to knock me up, just so I can have one before I'm 40.  This is stupid.

6.  I love so many things about him, but his lack of effort, drive, and interest in lifing have become dealbreakers.  I told him Sunday night I need to be with someone who takes life by the balls, throws them against the wall or gargles them in their mouth...whatever that means. My point is I need to be with someone who shares my passion for living it up, trying it out, and just doing.

7.  I'm worried asking for someone who fits the above won't have the good MDLL traits, that I'm asking too much.  Is there a loving, sensitive, kind, and generous man out there who is also driven, interested, experienced, and makes an effort to keep me and us happy?

8.  It's possible I only lusted MDLL and not loved him

9.  We know what most of my family, friends and our mutual friends think - he's a fuck up and I can do better.  How can I be with MDLL if no one really likes him??

10. I feel guilty putting my needs first when he needs a friend

January 14th - 15th

I'm having a good week despite a somewhat upsetting Sunday night.  Monday I had a meeting in the city, then went to Crazy Ass to work the rest of the day.  It was nice to be around people instead of cooped up in my apartment. Please note, by no means am I complaining about working from home!  I am SO incredibly happy to not have to deal with slobbering nosy bosses and shitty office mates.  It is a bit of an adjustment having nowhere to go in the morning, though.  I have to make a point to leave the apartment, which I did not do today.

So there you have it.  I've managed to live a lot of life the first two weeks of 2013.  Despite the first few depressing days and my MDLL confusion, right now I couldn't be happier.  Living and lifing is much better than the alternative!!