Monday, July 18

Weekendy End

Now that I feel better I'm back to my regularly scheduled case of the Mondays. I barely did anything today. Poop!

Friday night was my date with MDLL. Dinner was delicious, kissing and hugging on the pier at Gantry Park was romantic, dancing on his roof was like a dream, and the sex was the best yet. The one problem - I had to ask him to verbalize his feelings again. It was a bit disappointing, especially because we had two perfect settings for him to whisper sweet nothings and make me melt.

I woke up on Saturday very unsure of what to do next. I was centered though and felt (still feel) in control of my emotions and the situation. Luckily I had a lovely afternoon planned with Bakes, who helped me sort things out. We had lunch at my new favorite taco place Tortilleria Nixtamal. The fish tacos are to die for!! SO GOOD! Afterwards we went to the Mets/Phillies game. It was my first of the season and they won! WOO HOO!

My instincts had told me to keep the conversation nice and light Friday. By Saturday night, my gut said to booty call him at 11pm and ride him into the ground. We both thoroughly enjoyed it.

Yesterday I was finally ready to talk. Thankfully he was, too. We shared a lot about our feelings for each other and our relationship this past year. He told me he loved me. I cried.

While we both really care about each other, we agreed we're at a standstill. We've exhausted our conversations about the new information and our future. There's really nothing left to do except sort out our own lives.

The truth is I'm unsure if MDLL's The One. The communication is a huge issue for me. We wouldn't have had so many ups and downs if there had been a consistently honest and open dialogue. It's a shame it took this long to get here. It might be too late.

Or it might not. For once I am okay with not knowing. I'm ready to start dating again. Maybe I meet someone special. Maybe I don't. I would be crushed if he started dating someone, but maybe I need to lose him to know I definitely want him. Maybe we end up as friends. Who knows? The possibilities are endless. It's exciting.

This weekend was the best I've had all year.

Wednesday, July 13


Thanks Juniper!

If kittens didn't turn into cats, I would buy five.

Eat, bitch!

I'm also feeling so much better now that I'm upping my calories. I went over 1400 today! WOOT!

Note: I didn't actually have Wegman's sushi, but their brand are one of the few with brown rice listed.

Note to Self

Dear Future Thighs,

You will probably toy with going off Auntie D at some point in the next two years. It has to happen just to see if we can handle it. I'm hoping we are in a position to do well of course. That being said...



Present Thighs

I seriously cannot describe how good I feel this week. I started taking the full 50mg of Zoloft Saturday and it is already working its happy magic. I can think straight, I can focus at work, I am inspired, and I feel GOOD.

Therapy is going really well, too. I've said it before and I'll say it forever - I really think everyone should go to therapy at some point in their life. I am breaking through some tough walls to find my truths and it feels wonderful.

Jesus. This is the best I've felt all year!!! Hooray!!

Monday, July 11


Before I get on with my day I need to write about this weekend.

MDLL called Saturday night. We talked for about an hour both then and yesterday. He said so many wonderful and heartfelt things. He apologized for everything and said he wants us to be together again, this time as a real couple. He also said he will take action on the new information, so that he and we can move forward.

It was like a dream. I I haven't stopped smiling!! WOO HOO!!

I am really, really excited and happy about this. I am also very nervous, too. Thoughts:

I need open communication and a firm date on the end of the new information. I refuse to assume, worry, pry, push, make excuses, or wait around with my thumb up my ass for him.

I need to focus on me this time. I'm feeling physically better, only slight aches and pains now. I am ready to eat more. I am ready to work hard again. I am ready to get my life in order. Therapy and Auntie D are already helping me so much. I am grateful. What I am nervous about is this - how do I build a solid foundation of self without getting pieces of MDLL mixed in the concrete? I cannot afford to have my happiness tied to whether or not MDLL and I work out. MDLL or any other guy. How do I prevent codependency?

I need to trust, too. At this very moment I am not sure I want to get back together with him. I don't completely trust him with my heart again. One part of me is saying it's over, move on. The other part of me feels like if MDLL is willing to work at it, then I can give him one more chance. JUST ONE. I know he is a good man and a good friend. Now that he wants to be a good boyfriend, I am curious to see how this goes. Curiouser and curiouser. We are hanging out on Friday to discuss our next steps. Chances are this is our make or break date.

Enough of the serious thoughts...

HE LIKES ME HE REALLY LIKES ME!! His exact words were, "I'm crazy about you." Jaw. Floor. I wish I had a tape recorder. WHEEEEE!!! YAY YAY YAY YAY YAY!!

Friday, July 8


I think I know what's wrong. This week I signed up for a free online food journal to track my calories.

I only ate 850 yesterday. Geez.

I really need to add more food to my diet.


I feel like crap again today, the old crap - drained, rundown, tired. My mom thinks it's the heat. She might be right. It's annoying though because every time I feel shitty I run through all of the things that may have gone wrong. Did I eat anything bad? Did I eat enough food? Did I take my meds? Did I take my meds too close together? Are the meds making me feel this? Is it the vitamins/my pdiddy/my mental state?

I question everything nowadays. It's fucking exhausting.

I hadn't needed the anti-inflammatory for almost a week now, then yesterday I woke up in pain again. Today, too. It's hard waking up like this. Actually no, it's hard waking up like this and not letting it ruin my day.

Yesterday was the roughest MDLLless day yet. Bakes thinks I'm making myself sick over it. She's probably right. There are no boundaries between my emotional and physical health lately. I was so tempted to call him, but I refrained. I realized I don't want to talk or hang out. All I want to do is hug him, feel my face against his, and give him kisses down his neck. Someone make that happen please.

I'm sooo tired. I look like I'm stoned. I feel like I'm stoned. Maybe I am stoned.


Tuesday, July 5

Adult things

This is a comment to the EHarmony creator's article on Huffington Post. I like this.

"The problem is not "getting the right person" it is all about BEING the right person. The spouse is a mirror to be able to see your own wounds, hurts, and unhealed areas so they can come to the surface to heal. Every time you are triggered, you should thank you spouse for showing something about yourself that you couldn't see and heal without such a close, demanding relationsh­ip. All of us would rather stay on the surface and run from our internal issues, but the world will not transform until each individual chooses to transform into the love, peace, and wholeness that we are. Change on the outside begins on the inside.

Marriage is a sacred union to heal, make whole, free, awaken, and bring each to oneness with the Source of Life. Marriage brings up everything that is not love so it can heal, and we can be free, intimate, and joyful. The problem is not the marriage relationsh­ip, or the wrong spouse. The problem lies in each human being as we either resist change, or grow and expand into the vast, spiritual, multidimen­sional beings we truly are. Marriage is the holy road to the unconsciou­s. Marriage triggers everything unlike love in our growth towards wholeness. The purpose of marriage is rebirth into our true loving selves. It requires a death of the old. New life is the result of walking through the fire of transforma­tion in the crucible of sacred, committed, marital love.


You're a fiiirework...

I like Katy Perry.

I am in a weird mood this morning. It feels like my acid trip ended a couple of hours ago and I'm in the limbo state between coming back to reality and passing out. Maybe that's a better description for my "absent fogness". I'm at work, but it doesn't feel like I'm really sitting here. This is the last place I want to be. I, like most people, would prefer never to have to work again. I might have kids just so I can be a stay at home mom. Isn't that nice? It's like being a teacher solely for summer vacations.

I know somewhere inside I'm really going to like this job. My position requires drive, initiative, creativity, and smarts. I have those things, so I don't get why I'm not off and running yet. I guess I'm just exhausted from this year. I could really, REALLY use a vacation. A week where I don't have to work, don't have doctor appointments, don't think about MDLL, and can drink/eat anything I want. You know, have my old life back.

MDLL. I barely slept Friday night. Every time I woke up I thought about him. Saturday I was an exhausted and cry-y waste. I went to Bacon's for a bit to relax and mourn, then went to my parents' house. My cousin's 4th of July party was Sunday, so I figured it would be good to head down to NJ early. I really needed to get out of Astoria.

The family party was okay. I felt like a whiny hypochondriac broken record recounting my health woes of this year. All I wanted to do was talk about and cry over MDLL. Yesterday Juniper and I went to a BBQ at a local pub. I was okay for the most part, but I did cry a couple of times. Remind me not to break up with someone when I'm PMSing.

What am I crying about? One, I wish he would fight for me. I wish he would show up at my door with flowers and say, "I need you. Let's make this work." Two, I'm feeling guilty and worried. He already went through one major split last year, now he has to deal with our mini-one. I don't want to hurt him any more than he already is...then again I'm not even sure he is hurting. I really just want to take care of him and make sure he feels loved, secure, and safe. Me? I'll be fine. I'm sad and I'll miss him, but I'll survive. I know single well.

So there's my weekend. It was what it was. I didn't feel up to heading over to the west side to see the Macy's fireworks on the Hudson (bastards!) again this year. I was pleasantly surprised to find I could see a lot of it from my roof, though!! Half of the flower bursts were obstructed, but I didn't mind. It was actually pretty cool to watch them against the skyline. There were plenty of illegal ones set off in the neighborhood, too.

Blah. Work. You can tell I'm getting a lot done right now, huh? What the fuck is my problem? I know about seven people who lost their jobs in the past two weeks. Why doesn't this make me feel grateful to have one? Why doesn't it scare the shit out of me and pump up my old super work ethic? Man, I am not myself this year. All I want to do is sleep. Hopefully it will get better once the Zoloft kicks in.

One plus this morning, I saw three cute redheads today. Three!! I felt like I was walking down The Gingerbrick Road.

A redhead a day keeps the depression away...

Friday, July 1

Good Bad Good Bad Bood Gad

Yesterday ended up being a great work day. I felt awesome and got a TON done. Yay for focusing and being a good employee!!

By the time I got home I felt pretty crappy again. It wasn't as bad as Wednesday, but it wasn't good either. My hips and legs were killing me and the absent fog was back. I really don't have any other way to describe it other than I'm here, but not here.

I still made it out to see the fireworks at Astoria Park, though. I LOVE FIREWORKS!! They made me happy. Seeing MDLL made me sad. I knew it might be one of the last nights I'd see him for a while, then he showed up smashed. It was weird.

Today I woke up with a little nausea and pains. I forced myself to cook eggs because I knew if I didn't use my stove immediately after the gas leak I wouldn't use it for months. I felt better after I ate, then out of it again. It's so annoying.

Continuing the up and downness of it all I felt pretty good this afternoon. I saw Super 8 with Juniper and Bacon. It was Super GR8!! (I must be the millionth person to make that comment!) We went to the bar for a bit and after a glass and a half of seltzer water my stomach started acting up again. Really? Seltzer? I can't win!!

I came home and made the dreaded phone call. I broke up with MDLL for real. After all of this time he finally told me everything I wanted to hear: he cares about me, I'm very special to him, and he thinks of me as his girlfriend. I cried. A lot. IT SUCKED SUCKS IS SUCKING. I love him. I really, really do. I just don't think we should be together right now. I hate feeling this way, but I can't ignore it.

I'm in duality, per usual. Fuckin' Pisces. On the one hand, we both need to sort out some shit before we can move forward. On the other, I'm afraid I'm throwing away my taco lobster. If MDLL was more vocal about his feelings and made a bit more effort, we would have been perfect. I don't know if that means he's not my taco lobster or what. I guess only time will tell.

So there ya have it. Good, bad, good, bad.

Huh. Now that I wrote that, maybe the idea of good and bad days is stupid. It's all just lifing, right?