Sunday, December 7

My Dick

Does anyone know this song? I can't stop laughing, but I'm not sure if it's because of the lyrics or because I'm old...

My dick cost a late night fee
Your dick got the HIV
My dick plays on the double feature screen
Your dick went straight to DVD

My dick- bigger than a bridge
Your dick look like a little kid's
My dick- large like the Chargers, the whole team
Your shit look like you fourteen

My dick- locked in a cage, right
Your dick suffer from stage fright
My dick- so hot, it's stolen
Your dick look like Gary Coleman

My dick- pink and big
Your dick stinks like shit
My dick got a Caesar do,
Your dick needs a tweezer, dude

My dick is like super size
Your dick look like two fries
My dick- more mass than the Earth
Your dick- half staff, it needs work

My dick- been there done that
Your dick sits there with dunce cap
My dick- V.I.P.
Your shit needs I.D.

It's time that we let the world know
Dude, you gotta let your girl go
D.S. is the best in the business
P.S. we got dicks like Jesus

It's time that we let the world know
Dude, you gotta let your girl go
D.S. is the best in the business
P.S. we got dicks like Jesus

My dick need no introduction
Your dick don't even function
My dick served a whole lunch-in
Your dick- it look like a munchkin

My dick- size of a pumpkin
Your dick look like Macaulay Culkin
My dick- good good lovin'
Your dick- good for nothin'

My dick bench pressed 350
Your dick couldn't shoplift at Thrifty
My dick- pretty damn skimpy
Your dick- hungry as a hippie

My dick don't fit down the chimney
Your dick is like a kid from the Philippines
My dick is like an M16
Your dick- broken vending machine

My dick parts the seas
Your dick farts and queefs
My dick- rumble in the jungle
Your dick got touched by your uncle

My dick goes to yoga
Your dick- fruit roll-up
My dick- grade-A beef
Your dick- Mayday geek

My dick- sick and dangerous
Your dick- quick and painless
My dick- 'nuff said.
Your dick loves Fred

It's time that we let the world know
Dude, you gotta let your girl go
D.S. is the best in the business
P.S. we got dicks like Jesus

It's time that we let the world know
Dude, you gotta let your girl go
D.S. is the best in the business
P.S. we got dicks like Jesus

Saturday, December 6

My favorite football commercial

I get teary-eyed when I watch this. In a good way.

Enough blue.

I am in love with Christina Hendricks.  I watched the first three episodes of Mad Men last night. Holy fucking gorgeous.  

I never thought I'd use this phrase, but man, I would eat her with a spoon.

Nothing like a little red to keep me from feeling blue.

The battle continues...

Before I begin, I'm okay now.

I haven't been feeling well for the past few months.  I'm lost, I'm sad, I'm crying every day again. I have zero motivation to post, write, color, hang out, go to the gym, clean the apartment, hell do anything except watch television. 

This started around mid-September.  I thought facing my financial problems was the sole reason for the extra anxiety, but I know the pain goes much deeper.  I feel scared, hopeless, stressed, negative, disillusioned, over-sensitive, and most of all, depressed.

And then it hit me!!  Depressed??  I feel depressed??  Of course I feel depressed!  I HAVE DEPRESSION!

As dumb as this may sound, I totally forgot that I am clinically depressed.  I also forgot that I only stopped taking Zoloft in July so it would make sense that my depression would "come back" after the medication left my system.

I figured this out on Monday.  The next day I had a ten hour panic attack.  It was horrible.

For me, having a panic attack feels like I'm waiting to die.  It's an intense mix of despair, disconnect, and anguish.  I sat at my desk hoping that I'd fall asleep and never wake up. 

I'm not sure what triggered the panic attack, but I know what fed it.  All I kept thinking was, "FUCK.  Now I have to go back on Zoloft."  This scared me more than dying.  Why?  Because I don't want to need it.  I wish I could be fucking normal and not have to take medication to think or deal or function.  I wish my mind wasn't my own worst enemy.

The battle between Me and I continues.

Thursday, November 20

Budget Me This

Keeping a budget has changed me.  In fact, I think this whole budgeting thing is a big reason why I haven't felt like posting.  More on this later.  Right now I need to document history.

I, Thighs McGee, couldn't figure out if a 12-pack of Scott toilet paper on sale for $6.99 is a better deal than buying a single roll at $1.29.

Fifteen minutes later I decided it is.

I am not an idiot.  Blonde, yes.  Flaky, sometimes.  Bad at math, not so much.  In my defense I drank two Octoberfests in 45 minutes on an empty stomach before entering Rite Aid.

So why the need to post this after a month of not sharing?

1.  I'm buzzed.

2.  I'm still in awe of the world of discounts.  I've bought tons of things on sale before, but I don't feel like it was ever on purpose. Not having my Mastercrutch has made me more aware of my spending habits as well as the overall value of my purchases.  Totally a new way of thinking for me.

3.  I have never bought this much toilet paper in one shot before (this is where the documenting history part comes in).  I am super excited to see how long it lasts.  And I'm not exaggerating about the "super excited" either.  I giggled the whole way home thinking about it.   

So mark your calendars people!  On November 20, 2008 I have 12,000 sheets of toilet paper at my disposal....OH THE POSSIBILITIES!

Monday, November 17

Yahoo! Sports is dirty.

I think Yahoo! needs new editors:

Romo’s back, so are Cowboys with 14-10 victory

"Tony Romo had to learn how to throw with four fingers instead of five, and how to celebrate with his left hand instead of his right."


Sunday, October 19

I can't do it, Captain.

Sorry folks, I really haven't felt like posting.  

I don't even feel like writing fuck shit bitchcock.

Or maybe I do.

Fuck shit bitchcock.


Tuesday, October 7

Looking for Grace

I am extremely proud and excited to announce my brother and his friends have created an original web series.  This week is their coming out party, so please show your support by checking out their website and trailer: 

An Internet Event in 10 Chapters written by Nathaniel Halpern and directed by Aaron Rabin. After a young man (Harold) discovers his memories have been replaced by those of a mysterious woman named Grace, he sets out on a journey to find her, hoping to reclaim that which he has forgotten. However, along the road, he discovers a strange world in which nothing is as it seems -and that he is not the only one 'Looking For Grace'.

And if you're on Facebook, it would totally rock if you became a fan.

Yaaay Rippie!!

Sunday, October 5

I love my friends.

I love my friends for many reasons, my favorite one being they humor my idiocy.

JP and Doll asked me for my address the other day.  I gave them my usual response.  They mailed it verbatim:

Thanks guys!

Saturday, October 4

I'm scrappy.

I went to my first boxing class last night.  Man, do I love to punch things!  Who knew??*

I probably should have watched Rocky before I went though because I totally forgot what training entails. It's not all about punching; there are a lot of drills too.  I SUCK at drills.  

In the beginning we had to run laps, do high knees, kicks, side steps, and lunges around the room about 20 times.  Then we had to do a few minutes each of jumping jacks, sit-ups, and push-ups.  It was rough.  The rest of the class all about jabs, cuts, hooks, ducks, all of the fun stuff.

I swear to Shizza I turned PURPLE within 15 minutes.  I looked like I was going to die.  I can't help it, my skin is so thin and pale that once my blood starts pumping I change color.  

Luckily my face wasn't indicative of how I felt.  Granted I am really out of shape and had to stop for water a lot, but I made it the whole hour and felt fabulous when I got home.

So yes, while I'm not looking forward to the drills again I will definitely keep at it.  I'm scrappy people!  I was born to box!


Wednesday, October 1

Hotel Bar Whipped Light sucks

I opened my microwave door and found a tub of butter inside.

I stared at it for a few seconds.  

Me:  "Are you really a tub of butter inside my microwave?"

Butter:  "Why yes, I am indeed a tub of butter inside your microwave."

Me:  "Interesting.  Did I put you there or did you put yourself there?"

Butter:  "I don't know. I'm a tub of butter.  How could I put myself in here?"

Me:  "Well, why would I put you in there?"

Butter:  "I don't know.  I'm a tub of butter."

Me (throwing the tub of butter into the garbage):  "Whatever.  I didn't like you anyways."

The End

Tuesday, September 30

Hello, Treadmill

Oof.  Just got back from the gym.  I haven't been on a treadmill in three years.  Three!

All I did was speedwalk at 3.5-4 mph for a half hour.  I tried to run and lasted a whole minute.  A minute!

I feel like jello.  Wait, my fat ass always feels like jello.  I feel like Bambi walking on a frozen lake.

This combined with yesterday's pilates is causing some ache-age.  I found something to help ease the pain though...

I keep saying "Whoa Momma" in Johnny Bravo's voice over and over again.  

It makes me giggle.

Monday, September 29

September Update

I don't know what my deal is lately.  I just haven't felt like posting.  I guess I should expect to feel like this once in awhile...

Here are some highlights from September:

1.  My SVA color theory class is so much fun.  We made a color wheel last week.  I spent three hours cutting pieces of paper and pasting them onto a bigger piece of paper.  JOY!

2.  I've only gone to the gym three times so far.  The first time I got my free session with a trainer who just happened to be a boxing instructor.  We boxed for about a half hour. She said I was a natural!  I'm psyched to take a class one day soon. 

The other two times I went were for pilates.  I am so UNnatural doing them.  Pilates is hard when you have kegs for legs!  I am forcing myself to stay with it though.  It's easy to see improvement in things you suck at doing.

3.  I went to an Introduction to Buddhist Meditation seminar.  It was a great experience.  I definitely want to do it again.

4.  Have I mentioned I'm trying group therapy with Cee?  Well I am; it started a couple of weeks ago.  I'm not sure if I like it yet, although it is making me a better listener.  I'd really like to become a great one.


6.  The Mets made me sad yesterday.  

7.  My OKC dating stopped early this month.  I went on a few more dates with one guy, but I think we're just going to be friends.  It's nice getting laid though.

8.  Not having a credit card is fucking killing me.  I'm embarrassed to share how much debt I am in, but yeah, it ain't good.  Put it this way:  I have never lived on a budget.  Ever.  On a publishing salary, too.  Fucking stupid. 

Rent aside, I only have $160 until October 15th.  On October 16th, I will drink myself into oblivion.  Feel free to join.

9.  And why don't I have any money?  This month I went to two Met games, one Jets game, a wedding in Jersey, got my hair done, and went out eating/drinking about seven times.  This was a typical month for me both socially and financially, except now I can't charge anything to get me to the next paycheck.  

I am 30 years old and shitty with money.  I feel like the biggest loser ever, but I can't let it go on any longer.  I will fucking shoot myself in the face if I'm complaining about my debt at 40.  


Thursday, September 25

Stop your fucking booing!!

I hate, hate, hate when supposed fans boo their own players.

The Mets are pissing me off too, but I REFUSE to boo anyone when I'm at the game.

I just read a quote from Luis Castillo...

“I know how it is here,” Castillo said. “The fans want you to do well. I try to do too much. I put too much pressure on myself. I need to be relaxed and enjoy the game. I have to play relaxed. Sometimes when you go to the plate, you’re thinking about the fans and what’s happening. I need to clean my mind.”

Sure he sucked this week by going 0-4 Tuesday night, but seriously...


Wednesday, September 24

I'm a viking!

This commercial sums me up perfectly...

whether I'm happy or sad, I'm still throwing something.

Thursday, September 18

I can't tell...

if I have dark blonde hair or light brown hair.

I really wanted to go back to my original color...not sure if it worked though.  

Oh well. Chances are I'll chop it all off next spring. I've been itching to do that again!

Wednesday, September 17

It's time!

Congratulations! You are now a NY Sports Clubs member.

You’re signed up and ready to hit the gym. Print a receipt of your membership agreement and present it with a valid photo ID to a membership consultant at any Club location. You will receive a temporary membership card and can start working out immediately. On your next visit, once your membership is fully processed, you’ll get your photo ID taken.

Enough is enough. I want to be hot.

Thursday, September 11

Pieces of Me

Well this is it. There's no turning back now.

I am scared shitless. Good thing I'm drunk.

Oh fuck oh fuck oh fuck oh fuck oh fuck oh fuck oh fuck oh fuck.

Wednesday, September 10

Out sick

Fitting after my last post, huh?

I feel like poop. Or maybe I should say I feel like poopING. Stupid Premio sausage at Shea.

At least the Mets won though!

Tuesday, September 9

What I gave up.

My last post was going to be a long detailed account of the shitty things that happened at work during the past week. I wrote and rewrote it like five times. Then I gave up and deleted it all.

None of it matters. All that does matter is I need a job, I need insurance, I need a retirement plan, and I need PASSION.

Company is the only place I ever dreamed of working. While my experience there was a bit of a roller coaster, there is no denying my passion for the the characters, the stories, my role, and my friends. It was probably passion overload, but now I can honestly say it was all worth it.

Since I'm no where near becoming a freelance anything (I haven't done a damn thing all summer), what company would I want to work for next? Where would I feel excited and proud to go to every day?

Oh shit. I think I know where.

I'll wait to share, but I will say this: it's definitely not in publishing. That chapter is done.

Monday, September 8

I give up.

Saturday, September 6

Rainy Rooftops

I was just out on my roof in the rain. I thought it would be a cleansing experience. It wasn't. I got really anxious and scared. I'm not quite sure what happened.

When I got up to the roof I immediately felt insecure, as if all of my neighbors were looking out their windows, judging me for being up there in the rain. I hung back by the side of the stairwell so that no one would notice me.

I realized how dumb I was being and walked over to the rear wall just above my bedroom. Everything was fine until I got scared lightning would hit the antennae a few feet away, I would be electrocuted, and all of my neighbors would say told you so. Of course I'd already be dead and wouldn't actually hear them say this, but it bothered me anyway.

I walked back over to the stairwell to catch my bearings. "What am I doing?? Why am I so friggin' tense??" I had no clue. I forced myself to go back to the wall for a second, took a deep breath, and meditated.

Nothing. I couldn't get in at all.

This was ten minutes ago. I'm still feeling lost. I don't know why it was so jarring. I've gone up on my roof a lot this summer, so I'm definitely not afraid of heights. It's impossible to fall off because the walls are at least 4 feet high. There didn't seem to be anyone around, and really, who cares if there was?

Huh...I think I got something...

Right before I went on my roof, I was dancing in my living room with my iPod on. I didn't realize it was raining until I noticed my window sill was soaked. I closed all of my windows and thought, "Wouldn't it be nice to cool down in the rain? I should go up on my roof." Without hesitation I peed, threw on a shirt (I was in a sports bra), grabbed a towel, and ran upstairs. This took maybe 2 minutes.

That's it! Going on the roof didn't freak me was the impulsiveness!

I am ridiculously impulsive. From shopping sprees, trips, haircuts, what I say, what I do, it's all on impulse. I used to be really bad, but I'm definitely calming down with age.

I went outside in a thunderstorm one night during college. I was standing in the driveway at the back of the house, rain pouring down on me. I started to spin around a bit and then for no apparent reason ripped off my shirt and bra and kept spinning. I was spinning half-naked in the rain. It was pretty awesome.

I have no idea if anyone saw me that night, but I didn't care. It's interesting to me that I felt so insecure today, considering I put a shirt ON to go outside. Maybe that's what this was all about: finding the balance between being a responsible, mature adult while still being the carefree wild-child of my youth.

Is there such a thing as being responsibly impulsive? If I plan to eventually do something on a whim, is it really on a whim? I'll have to think about this some more. I guess that rain really was cleansing...

Monday, September 1

Some old sketches...

I figured if I'm going to art school, I should probably share some actual artwork huh?

Sadly I don't have anything recent to show. I think a good way to get back into drawing will be to force myself to post some of my art on here.

So here is some of my old stuff. Excuse the scan quality, still trying to figure out how to clean them up.:

Hobgoblin, drawn at age 16

Sabretooth, drawn at age 19

Daredevil, drawn at age 22

Something, drawn at age 30


Sunday, August 31

Live from Jackson, NJ 2008

I'm at my parents' annual Labor Day party. I'm having a really good time! I'm a little drunk right now; nowhere near as fucked up as last year though. Thank god my one cousin didn't come in from Vegas. I love him, but yeah, I can't "just say no" when he's around.

I've been texting with a guy from OkCupid all day. All week in fact. I like him, but I sort of don't want to meet him. I went out with two other guys before I left for Seattle. They were nice, but definitely didn't do it for me. As a result, I'm a bit discouraged about meeting this one.

Let's hope he doesn't suck.

Unless it's boobs.

My boobs.


I guess I'm drunker than I thought.

Friday, August 29

Fat Analyst

I am so sick of being a fat slob. It’s getting worse and worse. The scale isn’t moving, but everything else is. I can hula without a hoop.

Eating habits aside, I know if I just went back to the gym I’d be fine. My body responds really well to exercise, yet I refuse to do anything physical.

The truth is I’m scared shitless to try. I’m afraid to lose weight because I’m afraid of gaining it back again.

Four years ago I lost twenty-five pounds. In 2007 I put fifteen of them back on. Fifteen pounds in one year. Disgusting. I am a complete failure.

Here are my thoughts:

~ Why should I bother? It’s not like I’ll keep the weight off. I might as well be a miserable whale for the rest of my life.

~ I don’t want to spend money on a gym membership or on new clothes.

~ Say I lose weight. Will I live in fear of gaining it back for the rest of my life?

~ Say I lose weight and gain it right back. Will people judge me? Will people start calling my Carnie?

~ I don’t know if I have the mental or emotional strength needed to risk another failure. I am a delicate flower…a 180 pound delicate flower.

~ Why the fuck can’t I be positive about this? If I keep saying I’m going to fail, I really will fail!

~ What happens if I lose the weight and feel so fucking good about myself again that it NEVER comes back? Would feeling good about myself be so bad?

~ What happens if I lose weight and still hate my body?

~ I gained the weight back when the shit hit the fan at Company. How will I stop myself from emotionally eating the next time I’m under a lot of stress?

~ What happens if I lose weight and still can’t get a boyfriend? Being fat is a good excuse for being single. I think.

~ My parents are mean to me about my weight. They always have been. It’s worse when I yo-yo…do I want to even deal with their shit again?

~ I spent $350 on The Dress that doesn’t fit me anymore. It would be nice to wear it again.

~ It would also be nice to wear a bathing suit without shorts. I’ve never had nice legs; I have no idea what it feels like to have them.

~ Am I afraid to look good? Am I afraid of the attention I maybe, sorta, possibly would get?

~ Do I even WANT to lose weight or do I feel like I SHOULD lose weight? It’s like paying off my debt. I don’t really NEED to do either of those things. Why do I feel like I should? Because life will be better? I have an active imagination, and I can’t even fathom being thin and debt-free…

~ Is this my real problem, that I can’t visualize myself on the other side? I daydream of jet setting off to London for the weekend without regret and wearing a bikini without fear, but do I really believe these things could happen?

WAAHHH!! I hate everyone.

Thursday, August 28


Ugh...I am dying a slow painful allergied death.

I started feeling the stuffy fuzz the minute I walked back into my office yesterday.

The "stuffy fuzz" is when it feels like the caterpillar from Alice in Wonderland is chilling out in my nostrils and blowing his hookah smoke right up into my eyes causing them to be ridiculously itchy and watery.

My body must have put its guard down out west and forgot to put it back up again when I got home.

Damn fresh air! It's killing the visiting New Yorkers!

Wednesday, August 27

And I wonder...

An OkCupid guy asked me, "If you were reincarnated, what would you come back as?"

My answer?

Well, I have a sneaky suspicion I was a black overweight ex-baseball player who liked to cook in my last life, so I'm guessing I'm due to be a petite Asian man who is really good at calligraphy in my next one. (I think I read somewhere that your sex changes with every reincarnation.)

And I wonder why I'm single...

I should have just said a freakin' butterfly.

Tuesday, August 26

Seattle Trip Pics

It took me forever to figure out how to resize photos on a Mac...can't they replace the "straighten" button with a "resize" button in iPhoto??

Anyhoo, check out my Seattle pics.

They're boring, but I like it that way. I rarely take pictures of people. I think it's because when I went to Europe in high school the only pictures I took were of my friends. I barely have any photos of Italy, Germany, and Switzerland, but I have a bunch with people I don't talk to anymore. Boooo!

Seattle Trip Deets

I have such vacation-head right now. This means I want to jump out of my life and start a whole brand new one. It usually takes a few days for this feeling to wear off, so in the meantime I'm doing some soul-searching, trying to figure out what the brand new life would be...more on this later.

Seattle was so incredibly fun! A big thanks to Janeypants, the JP family, and Techno for showing me around town and allowing me to invade their weekend. I love that no matter how much time has passed between visits, we can always pick up right where we left off. Heck, I hadn't even met JP's husband and kids yet but I feel like I've known them forever! What an incredibly generous, kind, and welcoming family. JP, it was obvious Doll hit the jackpot when you went out's great to know you did, too.

The trip was everything I wanted it to be and more. I spent time with my friends, caught a Mariners game, took some nice pics around the city, drank some great microbrews, and spent a lot of time enjoying the outdoors. The weekend in review:

1. Thursday night Techno and I walked around downtown for a bit. We ate dinner at the Crab Pot, a fun seafood restaurant by the water. They dump the food right on the table!

2. On Friday JP and I walked around downtown again, then hung out in the Seattle Center. I must be the luckiest person ever because it was the perfect day for sightseeing. The views from the Space Needle were amazing; I still think all of the mountains (Rainier especially) are paintings.

3. Friday and Saturday afternoons were spent in the fake mountains. (Yes, they are still fake even though I was on them.) We went for a 16 mile bike ride down one and a 6 mile hike up and down another. It was surreal. I still can't get over the beautiful scenery. From the blue skies, the trees, the streams, and the waterfalls, it was all too much for me to wrap my head around.

4. Saturday night we headed off to the game. Our seats were in the upper deck above home plate, which is one of my favorite places to sit. There's no better way to take in a new stadium and I must say, Safeco is a great one. It's a shame the Mariners aren't doing well; the stands were empty and the crowd was sort of quiet. Then again, I've never visited a team with fans as obnoxious as NY.

The other reason why it's a shame the team isn't doing well is Ichiro. He didn't get much action in right field, but the plays he did make were outstanding. It amazes me when a player exudes talent even when they aren't doing anything. Ichiro is no exception.

5. I spent Sunday morning by myself taking some more photos around town. It never occurred to me how much I need alone time, even on vacation. It's nice to be aware of it now.

I don't think I've ever written about my love of Jimi Hendrix. My list of favorite things has always been random and a bit vague, I guess because I was afraid of picking the "wrong" thing for so long. Jimi was probably the first musician I allowed myself to love without fear. I mean, how can anyone listen to Castles Made of Sand and not "melt into the sea?"

The Experience Music Project was pretty cool, but it was his statue over in Capitol Hill that got me. It made my heart sing.

You know what? I'm going to end here...I'd like to hang with Jimi for a while.

Wednesday, August 20


I'm off to Seattle tomorrow morning!!

Lots of pictures when I return!!!

Exclamation points!!!!

Sunday, August 17

Fear of Dating

Being afraid of both dying alone and commitment isn't working out (DUH), so it's time to get over myself and start dating.

Since I'm also watching my budget I decided to give the free OKcupid a try. I figure it will be a nice practice ground before I pay for eHarmony or Match again, both of which I didn't take too seriously the first time around.

It's only been a week so far and it seems promising. Of course I just have to accept the fact that writing in my profile that I love comic books and Star Wars is going to attract somewhat unattractive men-folk (double DUH), but whatevs. I need to be with someone who believes in both.

Know who I DON'T need to be with? The guy who wrote me this message an hour ago:

hi im phil and i really liked your profile...want to talk to a rich well hung man??

Look, I love money and DDA, but do I want to be with someone who writes this? Nope, and frankly if I were him I wouldn't want to date a girl who'd respond "Yes". Even in my whoriest days I'd say no.

Guys if you're rich and hung like a horse then keep your mouth shut. Let me or any other girl be pleasantly surprised later on.

Saturday, August 16

Weekend Photos

This one was taken from my bedroom window last weekend. I played around with the filter on my camera. I call it Lilac Dreams.

I went out the past two nights, so I decided to lay low today. I realized I left my umbrella at the bar yesterday, so instead of being my usual spendthrift self and automatically buy a new one, I went back to go see if it was still there. It wasn't. At least I tried.

I decided to walk around the city for awhile. There is a church up in the 50s I wanted to take a picture of, so I thought I'd hoof it uptown the thirty blocks or so to find it.

At one point I was headed west on 32nd and saw the building below. I LOVE this building. Or is it an annex? I have no clue what it is (if anyone knows, do tell), but I've wanted to take a picture of it for years. I'm glad I finally got the chance to!

Couldn't find the church though.

Friday, August 15

Biopsy came back fine!


Thursday, August 14

No credit, no problem!

I have a confession to make. Or maybe I already confessed it. Whatever.

I am a charge-holic. A plasti-holic? A secretly-wishing-someone-will-pay-off-my-debt-for-me-until-then-I'll-keep-buying-things-I-can't-afford-aholic?

I'd say I suck with money or budgeting, but I've never tried to manage my finances before. If I run out of cash, I charge. No biggie, right? WRONG. Really wrong.

I have excellent credit, just a lot of it. I've had a balance on my card since I first applied. That's going 12 years. 12!! Sure it's not the same debt (I think), but it's still debt.

So for the first time in my life I WILL NOT BE CHARGING CRAP ANYMORE. "Crap" means food, beer, clothing, comics, housewares, anything other than classes. And I shouldn't even be charging them either, but I'm allowing myself to do this by viewing it as a school loan rather than an impulse buy.

I haven't gone out all week. Thank god for two things. One, I get paid on Friday and two, Freaks and Geeks. I never watched it before and holy fuck it's awesome. At first I wanted a foursome with Jason Segel, Seth Rogen, and James Franco. Now? Oh my gosh, I think I like Martin Starr best! I know it's totally weird, but Bill makes me crack up. He mumbles the funniest shit! Maybe I'll just make it a fivesome and call it a day...

Back to finances. Credit bad. Cash good. My goal is to have all my debt paid off by 35. Totally doable.

I can't believe how excited I am to do this. I feel like an adult!

Wednesday, August 13


Sunday, August 10


Imagine the last time you had de ja vu. Now try to imagine the last time you had de ja vu, without the de ja vu.

This is how I felt during Carla and Steve's wedding. I was reliving a memory of an experience I knew hadn't happened yet.

It was almost as if the night had been on loop through the universe for years and only the magic of 080808 made it a conscious reality.

Congratulations Mr. and Mrs. B. Thank you for inviting me to the real thing.

Thursday, August 7

An explanation.

I didn't realize how much I disliked my job until the day after I wrote my Eye Deerunk post. I was completely shocked over how blunt I was about looking for a new gig. Only blogger shitheads write about stuff they could get fired for, which leads me to believe that I am in fact, a shithead.

The truth is I don't hate my job. I hate ME at my job. All of my favorite patterns are back.

I am the queen of questions. I enjoy knowing why we do something, where the data comes from, what is the purpose of the report I need to create, are we providing the reader with all the pertinent data they need to make a decision in a timely manner...the list goes on.

Pattern 1: I ask a question, no one knows the answer, I get frustrated.

I spent 8 hours last Friday doing data entry.

Pattern 2: I get paid well to do monkey work. A normal person would be happy by this. Me? I immediately jump to what this means on a larger scale. My assumption? Bad spending = mass layoffs.

I saw some ineffiencies and offered to work with IT to fix them. Two patterns come out of this:

Pattern 3: People are either uninterested or too busy to brainstorm and create a plan of action. I get frustrated because they don't seem to care that fixing it now will save time in the long run.

Pattern 4: The IT projects mean more to me than the job I was hired for, so I end up making a stupid mistake on my day to day reports. When I'm called out on it I get pissed off at myself for making the mistake. Then I get more pissy when I find out the mistake is on a report no one looks at (my boss said so). If no one looks at the report, then why are we even running it?? Guess what...frustrated.

I begin to feel like I have nothing to learn here and wonder if I should move on.

Pattern 5: I begin to feel like I have nothing to learn here and wonder if I should move on.

So what does this all mean?? It means I haven't learned a damn thing from my time at Company.

First of all, I still think I know best. I DON'T FUCKING KNOW EVERYTHING ASSFACE! (I'm talking to myself here.)

Second, I'm still getting frustrated over things that, at the end of the day, have absolutely nothing to do with me.

Third, as I try to work through my frustrations I tend to come off condescending and pushy.

And last, I feel like I'm not learning anything only because I'm not learning what I WANT to learn.

The real joke of this is that I took this position because I didn't want to care about any of this shit. I realize now that I don't know how NOT to care. I also don't know how to put my head down and do as I'm told either. And I want to be a freelancer one day?? Please, all I'll be doing is taking orders but it will be ten times worse because the orders will be to change something I actually created!

God damn it! I really don't know how to break any of these patterns and if I don't break them now, I'm just going to take them all with me to the next place.

Fuck me and my shithead self!

Jett Favre!!


Wednesday, August 6

The Gayest of Days

As I was walking down Broadway in Astoria I overheard:

Guy 1: "...and I said if ESPN wants to expand their network to..." (stops and looks at friend real quick) "You know what ESPN is right?"

Guy 2: "I'm not THAT gay!"

About 15 minutes later I'm sitting on the train at the Lexington and 59th Street station. A guy gets on carrying two long boxes. What's inside? Track-lighting.

I got off the train a couple stops later and ended up walking behind a very fashionable male talking on his cell-phone. He said, "Shut UP", "ohmygod", and "gay" like eighteen times in the three minutes I was within earshot.

The Gayest of Days I tell you. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

Tuesday, August 5

Normally Abnormal

I wasn't going to write about this, but fuck it.

My pap came back abnormal. I took off today to have a colposcopy and biopsy. The doctor said everything looked fine, but we'll have to wait until the biopsy results are in.

I never really get upset about health stuff. My mom taught us at a very young age to always go for regular check-ups, follow-ups, and follow-follow-ups. If anything was wrong we'd deal with it together, so there was nothing to worry about. Well nothing for ME to worry about; she'd worry enough for the both of us, and then some.

I gotta be honest though, I was pretty nervous and upset this morning. Part of the reason is because I addressed so many annoying health problems last year that I guess I thought I'd be fine for a little while. Apparently I was wrong.

Another hiccup, the day after I was told I'd need a biopsy I found out my thyroid is out of whack again. This really isn't a big deal (they'll probably just increase my Synthroid dosage), it's just come on already. Why can't proactive people automatically get a good-health gold star??

Alright, alright. Enough of the whine. I am a very healthy and fortunate person. Lately I've had some issues, but they were relatively minor and manageable. I guess if anything HAS to be wrong, common ass and cervix colds are easy to deal with. Let's just hope they stay that way.

Sunday, August 3

Strategic Sunburning Gone Terribly Wrong

Read my previous post first, then read this, then laugh your ass off.

And I said, "it worked." Yeah, I probably should have waited a few hours before doing a post-mortem. I look like I'm ready to guest star on Alien Nation.

Blonde Moment #137 brought to you live by my idiotic self. Go me.

Strategic Sunburning

Since I'm the Queen of Tank Tops I always manage to get the dumbest looking Irish tanlines.

MJ and Steve-O's wedding is this week (WOO HOO!) so to avoid looking like a zig-zagged candy cane in my dress, I decided to strategically burn myself to cover the white stripes on my shoulders, chest, and back.

This requires more work than one would think. I spent a good ten minutes carefully placing SPF 30 on the already sunburned parts and then spent another five minutes pondering if this was a good idea or not. I mean really, am I so shallow that I will risk skin damage to look not even good (because no one looks good sunburned), but to have a consistent coloring??

Yes. Yes, I am. And it worked. I am now a solid carnation from the cleavage up. Yaay melanoma!

Trigon Kid

Rip has this linked on his Myspace page and I just had to steal it...

Is it just me or do you get the feeling this kid owns a jet and is awesome in bed, too?

Here are a couple more ads to damn do I love good marketing!

Trigon Commercial 1

Trigon Commercial 2

Saturday, August 2

Breakthrough No. 11: 'Angsta Rap

A friend of mine said he enjoys reading this, even though he can sense the angst in my writing.  My initial reaction was, "Angst? Really?"

The word was stuck in my head all last week. Angst. Angst-ridden. Angsty angst.  (Oddly enough the more I write the word the LESS weird it looks.)  It never occurred to me to use it to describe my emotions, but it's true. I am Madam Angstalot.

It's amazing how one simple idea has the ability to dissolve a complex layer.  The moment I accepted my angst is the moment it started slipping away.  By defining this one emotion, my memories already seem different and the feelings associated to them manageable.  I'm not sure why, but it's good.

I'm beginning to wonder if I ever grew out of my teen angst years.  I have felt the same heaviness in my heart for as long as I can remember.  Sure things are getting better and better with age, but I know the hurting 10 year-old and troubled 17 year-old Mes are still in there longing to be saved.

It's interesting that angst is socially-acceptable for teenagers, but not for adults. If angst is related to the stress of having too many choices and the fear of making the wrong ones, wouldn't a 30 year-old be more susceptible to feeling it than a kid?

Maybe the volume is just turned up in our youths because we had so much other shit to figure out back, who am I kidding? All of my emotions are set to 11 and I'm STILL figuring my poop out.

At least now I know why I related to Claire from Six Feet Under so much!!

Wednesday, July 30

Eye Deerunk

I had four beers and a Mike's Hard Lemonade so far tonight.  Apparently that's all I need to get shitey nowadays.  FBM! (That's "fine by me" for everyone other than MJ).

So much has happened in the past couple weeks that I'm not sure where to begin.  The rundown of things you should probably know:

1. The Mighty Cale's parents moved to San Diego.  For some strange reason they just HAD to take Cale with them.  It's only
been like a week and I already miss my buddy like crazy.  I'm seriously considering moving to Cali.

2. I lost something that I will miss very, very much.  

3. I think I'm finally over my hatred for Jackson.  I went to my parents' house last Thursday to celebrate my dad's birthday. It was the first time in 20 years that I didn't dread going there.

4. My mom made me cry. Again. She's such a biyatch.

5. I'm typing with one eye open.

6. My six monthiversary at Minnow is next week. The place blows. I'm not going to actively look for a new gig, but please let me know if you hear of any openings in your company. My background is sales, ops, and planning.

7. Uh oh. I gotta monitor is too bright to keep typing...

Tuesday, July 29

Fat Princess

This may be the funniest shit I've ever heard:

Frantic and fun, Fat Princess pits two hordes of players against each other in comic medieval battle royale. Your goal is to rescue your beloved princess from the enemy dungeon. There’s a catch though: your adversary has been stuffing her with food to fatten her up and it’s going to take most of your army working together to carry her back across the battlefield.

Check out IGN's review.  My favorite part:

When you start a game, each team's base will have their opponent's princess inside. All the enemies that are assaulting your base will be trying to get in and get their fair lady out. Now, you can kill these guys if you like, but your best defense is to go outside of your stronghold and find pieces of cake and other dessert items. You'll then bring these snacks to the opponent's princess, force her to eat them, and watch her get fatter. Big gals are heavy and that means your opponents are going to have in groups to carry her fat ass back home.

Monday, July 21

A giant saint I ain't

Dear Jeremy Shockey,

I thought it would happen. I wanted it to happen. Now I know it wasn't meant to be.

All I wanted you to do was beat me up during sex. That's it!!! What kind of world do we live in when a girl can't get donkeypunched by a pro-football player every now and then? Don't you have any morals?

You disgust me. Don't even try to contact me now...if I'm gonna fuck a Saint it's going to be Reggie Bush. Would you mind forwarding him my email address? Thanks. Douche.

Bite me (not in the fun way),


My biggest fear...

I think I figured out what my biggest fear is, outside of letting loose a never-ending fart.

I'm afraid I'll hurt my children.

I don't blame my mom for shit anymore. Blaming her doesn't erase the past, so why bother? All that matters to me now is that our relationship is the healthiest it's ever been.

That being said, I am deathly afraid I'm going to mindfuck my kids. My mom did it to me, my grandmother did it to her, my great-grandmother did it to both of them. I don't see how the line of batshit crazy matriarchs is going to stop with me.

Is simply WANTING to be a good mom enough? Gosh, I don't know if I ever thought about my mom a good mom? What does being a "good mom" even mean?

Maybe the line of crazy will end if I don't have a daughter. That's it! Universe, I'd like to put two sons on layaway please. Names: Peter and Jack McGee. Please hold for 43,800 hours.

Sigh. I need to work through this one a bit...

Saturday, July 19

SM stands for...

Seattle Mariners!

I decided to take one more baseball trip this summer. I'm off to Seattle the fourth weekend of August to see Janeypants, the Janeypant Family, and cross off Safeco Field from my ballpark hit list.

When I come back I will not be taking another vacation until I pay off my credit card debt. Or at least not until I book another flight somewhere. Whichever comes first.

The Dark Knight

Holy fucking shit Batman, The Dark Knight is one hell of a movie.

I don't have much to say except go see it. Comic fan or not, you won't be disappointed. It's the most chilling thriller I've ever seen.

When the movie ends and you find yourself wanting more, go to your local comic shop or bookstore and pick up Batman: Year One and Batman: The Long Halloween. I'm rereading them both this weekend.

Wow. I think I'm still in shock. Phenomenal.

Friday, July 18

Good-bye Auntie D

Man I love summer Fridays...

I stopped taking Zoloft three weeks ago. I asked my doctor to wean me off it back in January and since my dosage wasn't all that high to begin with (50mgs) it didn't take very long to be done.

The scariest part about mental illness for me was not knowing what to believe. Imagine not being able to trust a thought or a feeling because you knew it would change one violent mood swing later. I'm not sure when anticipating mood swings became a means to survive them, but like all bad habits, I kept doing it when it was no longer necessary. At that point it became a self-fulfilling prophecy; the stress of waiting for a mood swing to hit inevitably caused one to occur. It was a vicious cycle, one that I couldn't fix because I wasn't aware I was doing it. Until now of course.

This is why I will always be a therapy pom-pom. Therapy makes you aware. With awareness comes understanding; with understanding comes acceptance. If you are open to it, therapy will save your life. It did mine.

Back in 2005, the only thing I was aware of was that I couldn't stop crying. I cried every day for a year and a half. I didn't know why, nor did I know if I could stop. The tears finally ended when I went to counseling and on medication.

I am forever grateful to Shizza for helping me find Cee. We had an instant connection. Even when I stopped going to her back in November I still felt she was in my life, helping me find my way.

Did I ever explain why I stopped going to therapy? A big reason was because I left Company. It's not like Company was the cause of all my problems; I just knew that staying in therapy during that time would be like pouring salt into a wound. I needed to recoup, rejuvenate, and reassure myself I can go it alone. Obviously this was a great decision; I feel stronger and more aware than ever before.

It was also nice to know that I can always go back to therapy if I needed. In fact, I saw Cee last night. Therapy Thursdays are back in session, at least for July. Life is grand (pinky swear), it's just that well, the ironic part to all this is now that I'm off the Zoloft I went back to crying again.

The day after I stopped taking my meds, the tears started. I don't cry as much as I used to, but I am quick to tear up. And you know what? I love it. I'm not afraid to cry anymore! I am happy to say that I trust my feelings enough now to know that if I need to cry, I should cry. I am a sensitive person; crying helps cleanse my soul.

And the best part...this time around I know WHY I'm crying. I'm crying because I'm blessed, I'm grateful, I'm hopeful, I'm happy, I'm frustrated, I'm agitated, I'm annoyed, I'm confused, I'm everything. I'm crying because I cry, end of story.

So after two years, I am happy and proud to say good-bye Auntie D. She was there when I needed her, but that time has passed. Tears or no tears, there isn't a cure for being me.

Monday, July 14

Ikea Aneboda Series dressers

I love putting things together. I don't know which part I like more, creating something or following the directions to create it. Either way, if you need something built my service charge is a six pack and a pizza. I do have two conditions, though.

First, you can't sit and watch me build it. No, I don't hump the pieces into place or anything, I just go stupid when I have an audience.

Second, if you need me to assemble a dresser GO FUCK YOURSELF. Sincerely.

My dad and I went to Ikea Friday night. I bought a desk, chair, and two dressers. The desk and chair, easy peasy. The dressers? The dressers are what I assume its like to bang a virgin. You gather the tools you need, lay out a gameplan, do the ground work, create a solid foundation, and then right when she's ready for you, BAM...nothing fits in the hole.

For the one hour it took to build each dresser, more than half of that time was spent getting the goddamn drawers in. I couldn't get the metal pull thingies (technical name) to slide into the sides of the drawers. When I finally got them in, lo and behold, the screws weren't long enough to catch. Then dresser 2's handle screw holes weren't deep enough, so while the handles are attached to the drawer, they are just loose enough to bother the shit out of me for all of eternity. The added bonus: I tore the crap out of my hands from twisting the screwdriver to death. Go me.

The bright side is I'm finished. My bedroom looks good, Maczine is loving her new ride, and I can now put all my undies in proper drawers instead of those corny wicker baskets that I impulsively bought at Home Depot a while back.

I also now know to never, ever, EVER buy drawered-furniture that "Requires Assembly." It just ain't worth the frustration...or the blue balls.

Friday, July 11

And speaking of movies...

The Taking of Pelham 1, 2, 3 is one of my all time favorites. I was hooked the minute the opening credits started.

Unfortunately, the remake is slated for next summer.

If you love me you will rent the original (if you can find it) and boycott the new one. You won't be missing much, fucking John Travolta's in it.

Ugh. Blow me.

My DVD Collection

I'm in the process of cleaning out Delilah. I lot of crap builds up after five years!

When I was a kid I was the Queen of VHS. I loved owning videos. I recorded a ton of movies off HBO and bought as many tapes as my minimum wage salary could afford. Definitely my first big obsession. In fact, the longest recurring fight I had with my dad was when he'd record over one of my movies. Seriously. It got so bad I'd write "D.T.O." (Don't Tape Over) on the ones I really wanted, but he'd ignore the note and do it anyways. Then I got smart and pulled out the little plastic square pin as prevention, but the bastard would actually duct tape the hole so that you could still record. OY. I can't believe how fucking retarded this sounds 17 years later, but man did it bother me back then.

I'm not sure when I stopped collecting videos, although I have a sneaky suspicion it was around the time I met my old friend marijuana. Sure the Little Mermaid made me happy, but pot got me high. It helped heal the wounds from my battles with the VHS Nazi (and other slightly more traumatic things).

The first DVD I ever watched was Jurassic Park. One of my college roommate's owned it. Wait, is that right? 2000? Wow...seems both recent and not.

Anyhoo, I never got big into buying DVDs. Hell, I don't even own some of my favorite movies. Most of the ones I do have were gifts from Santa or borrowed/stolen from friends. As a result, my DVD collection is pretty manic. I wonder why....

TV Shows:

All of the Family Guy DVDs
Adventures of Pete and Pete Vol. 1-2
Little Britain
Pee-Wee's Playhouse
Star Wars Clone Wars
Three Spongebob DVDs
Three Powerpuff Girls DVDs
Batman the Animated Series Vol. 1-2
The Muppet Show Vol. 1
Spawn (updated animation)
Hellboy (animated)


Star Wars 4-6
Indy 1-3
Shaun of the Dead
Silence of the Lambs
Wet Hot American Summer
Bridget Jones' Diary
Rio Bravo
Requiem for a Dream
Big Trouble in Little China
Spidey 1 and 2
Reservoir Dogs
My Big Fat Greek Wedding
Seven Swords
Agatha Christie's Poirot Murder in Mesopotamia
Godzilla vs. Mothra
Gozilla's Revenge
Terror of Mechagodzilla

Sunday, July 6

If I turn gay...

blame Woody Allen.

Vicky Cristina Barcelona

Am I a successful woman?

My gut answer is no. But why? How do I even define success and being a woman? I think I may have posted about this before, but I feel the need to revisit after a conversation I had with Jules. She said the cutest thing the other night: she'll know when she's successful for a few reasons, one of them being when she finally owns a boat. I love that!

My definition of WOMAN (outside of the obvious boobs and valentina) is someone who:

1. supports herself
2. wears high heels
3. eats sushi
4. gets manicures and pedicures
5. understands the stock market
6. can do "boy" push-ups and pull-ups
7. can fluently speak Italian or Greek

My definition of SUCCESS is:

1. supporting myself
2. marrying the person I love
3. raising a family
4. owning a home
5. driving a Dick Tracy car (I heart those)
6. not worrying about money
7. loving my job

I support myself. I eat sushi on a regular basis. I recently got a manicure and pedicure. I wear high heels at weddings. I guess that's about it...

Oh fuck it. I am DEFINITELY a successful woman. Why? Because I say so.

Wednesday, July 2

Peep this.

I have a new favorite television show.  Once again it's new to me, but not new to everyone else.  Well, everyone else in the UK anyways.

Peep Show

Funniest fucking show I've seen, oh, ever.  I will be quoting from it for the rest of eternity.  Check out this clip either at home or with your office door closed and headphones on:

Unfortunately the first season is the only one available in the Region 1 DVD format, but this show is so hysterical that I'm going to buy a multi-region DVD player.  

Rage mentioned I can get one for like $50, so I thought I'd check Amazon real quick.  I searched "region 2 dvd player." Sounds fine, right?  Yeah well I didn't realize I was still in the "Movies & TV" category.  The first hit:

I wonder which part is region 2...

Monday, June 30


I love fireworks!  Love, love, love them!!  I had no idea any would be going off tonight, but they did!  And I watched them from my roof!!  YAAAAYYYY!!

Wednesday, June 25

Random Cell Phone Pics Part 2


Off to Chicago tomorrow morning. Woo wee!! Here are some random cell phone pics to keep you company until I get back.

Best name for a Thai restaurant:

The Hulk tee I wore to The Hulk movie.  Yes, I was that girl. Well, the only girl.:

This picture doesn't do him justice, but the STAFF guy looked gorgeous from behind.:

I took my parents to a Mets game for Father's Day.  Cool story, their first official date was at Shea for a Grand Funk Railroad concert back in July 1971.  I wonder if they had any idea that just seven years later they'd give birth to awesomeness...

Tuesday, June 24


I loved, loved, loved Garfield growing up.  I'm pretty sure my fifth grade teacher, Mrs. Black had something to do with this.  She was OBSESSED with those strips, so much so that I still remember her 20 years later.

Check out this ingenious site...Garfield Minus Garfield.

It has reproduced copies of the old strips with Garfield photoshopped out. Never would have thought they'd be this interesting without him!

Whiny little poopmaster.

That'd be me.

I'm whiny. And little*. And a poopmaster.

I still haven't felt right since Friday night.  At this point I don't think I'm hungover, I probably just caught a bug.  If I am still wait, I can't be.  Right?

Here's a list of things I like.  Maybe I'll stop whining by the end of it.

1.  Diet type food product:  Lean Cuisine paninis and pizzas are excellent. Weight Watchers calzone and quesadillas are pretty darn good, too.

2.  30 Rock.  I want to be Tina Fey.

3.  The Hulk.  I saw it on Sunday during another Thighs Family Super-hero Movie Excursion.  Rippie was in town for it again, too!  This Hulk is action packed.  My only beef with it:  I really wish Tim Roth kept his shirt on.  I love his work, but he has Pat Sajak Q-tip syndrome.

4.  The War of Art.  I read another book without pictures this year!  If you have a goal that you can't seem to motivate yourself to obtain, read this book.  While it's geared to writers and artists, it's good for anyone who is losing the battle to Resistance.

5.  The DC Comics Guide to Coloring Comics.  Fun and informative.  I'm totally pumped.  

6.  My brain.  I haven't really mentioned Minnow too much, because well, I kind of don't like it there.  It's not Minnow's fault though.  As company's go, it is what it is.  I'm just feeling dissatisfied with myself lately and I'm projecting this on to my new job.  

For example, a couple of weeks ago I wanted to say, "Hey you! Stop wasting my time with this trivial bullshit and go fuck yourself." Of course I didn't say this; I've grown up a lot since Company (THANK GOD).  Now I know how to cool my jets and admit that what I really want to say is, "Hey ME! Stop wasting your own time with this trivial bullshit and go work for yourself."  Of course going to work for myself is going to take a while, so I figured I should make the best of my experience at Minnow.  

And here's where my brain comes in:  I've taken on some projects that put me back in a business analyst/IT liaison position.  Reevaluating workflows, streamlining business processes, creating new reporting...I love this stuff!! It's like one big logic problem, except Alice, Beth, Carrie, Diana, and Edith didn't get a red, orange, yellow, green, or blue car from their husbands Frank, George, Harry, Ian, or Jack on a Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, or Friday.

7.  Logic puzzles.

8.  Neutrogena Ultra Sheer Dry-Touch Sunblock SPF 45

9.  Wearing two tank tops at once. 

10.  SLEEP.  In fact, I'm going to bed right now.  Gonna rock Ruth Clare's sleep sched.  G'Night!

*In comparison to Andre the Giant.

Monday, June 23


George Carlin died! Waaaahhh!!

I haven't been this bummed over a celebrity death since John Ritter passed away.


Saturday, June 21

I am in pain.

Last night I went to my cousin's Sweet Sixteen party in Bay Ridge. Open bar + my dad = too many vodka sours.

Then I met Rage and the crew at the usual Friday night pub.

Then Baklava and I decided to drink somewhere else, but for some reason all of the bars were closed. This probably should have tipped me off that it was around 3:30am and I should go to bed, but yeah, no. We actually bought a six pack and drank beers out of paper bag until we found a bar that was still open.

Okay, it is taking me way too long to write this...that's how braindead I am. Here's the summary:

I had fun catching up with Baklava.

Some dude walked into my building with me and kept rubbing my arm while I checked my mail. I have no idea who the fuck he is or what the fuck he was doing or saying. I don't know if he was my age, my neighbor, drunk or what. All I remember is being pissed off that my Transit Check/Metrocard didn't come yet, dropping a tampon out of my purse and him handing it back to me, and me pushing him out of my lobby and shutting the door. Then I ran upstairs and took a shower to wash the perv off of me.

I woke up today at noon and tried to rally to go out to Fresh Meadows for Gerf's birthday party, but I was still bombed and couldn't function. I went back to sleep and didn't get up until 6pm.

I am still in pain. I'd say I'm never drinking again, but we all know that won't last. One thing's for sure...I'll never drink that many vodka sours again!! UGH!

Thursday, June 19


It pains me to admit this.

I don't want to face the music.

The fact this never occurred to me definitely means I'm losing my dirty mind.

My gynecologist's office is called...

Downtown Women Ob-Gyn

I've been going there for over a year and it just hit me today.


If I lose my knack for making corny PG-13 sex jokes, what else do I have to live for???


Damn you, 30!

Wednesday, June 18

On second thought...

it was Past Thighs who decided to wait to buy tickets, so maybe she isn't a genius after all. Damn it!

UNthank you Past Thighs!

Thank you Past Thighs!

I am loving Past Thighs lately. She's a genius!

Next weekend I'm off to Chicago for Mother Jugs' bachelorette party. I held off buying a ticket thinking I would get a cheap last minute package flight. Wouldn't you know it, flights dropped from $300 to $205, but not the days I wanted. With taxes and everything I paid $344; remind me never to do this again. It pains me to think think last September I only paid $160 roundtrip...

At this point I'm too damn excited about the trip to care about the cost of the flight. I'm going to see my Baconista Heather, catch a Cubs game, stop in at the Wizard World Comic Con, possibly meet up with Fish, and then party the rest of the weekend away with the Petes, MJ, and her Chicago friends. Now I'm really excited!!

So why is Past Thighs a genius? I signed up for a ton of travel site fare watcher email blast thingies and the only way to turn them off is to login and unsubscribe. I sat here for a full minute trying to remember what my password was for three sites, when I thought, "Hey maybe Past me knew I'd forget and made them all the same." Guess what?? She did!!!

I feel like Bill and Ted did when they needed to steal Ted's dad's keys only to figure out that Future Bill and Ted already stole the keys and hid them exactly where Present Bill and Ted wanted the keys to be. Most excellent.

Tuesday, June 17

Sorry Con Ed...

My brother told me to go see The Orphanage in theaters last summer. I think his text message said something like, "Go see The Orphanage. You'll like it. Really scary."

Scary for me is less about the gore and more about the eerie, quiet moments. My heart stops whenever a dark figure runs across the screen or something appears and then disappears. Case in point, I think one of the scariest moments in Nightmare on Elm Street is when human Krueger peers out from behind a tree and a second later he's gone. Most people probably don't remember this scene, but I do and it's bothering me just thinking about it.

I never got around to watching The Orphanage until tonight. I think it's right up there with Lady in White and The Others: thoughtful, smart, and full of eerie. It's not a typical horror flick by any means, but I think it will sit with you. Especially one character that I won't mention. I keep looking behind me to see if he's just standing there....oh my god...I'm seriously all tensed up right now! I think I need to stop typing and sit with my back against a wall to be safe.

Sorry Con Ed, but my lights are staying on tonight. I blame Rippie.

Monday, June 16

Boston Weekend Recap (a week late)

I had most of this written last week, but never got around to finishing it up. Here's my weekend in Boston, a week late!

The rundown...

1. The Limoliner luxury bus goes from the Hilton NYC to the Hilton Back Bay in Boston for $180 roundtrip. There's plenty of leg room, a free movie, and a bus attendant who gives you blankets, food, drinks, and head.

After commuting over four hours a day from Jackson to NYC for about 2 years I can't friggin' stand buses but the Limoliner wasn't too bad. I suggest trying it out, although I probably won't ride it again. I like trains more.

2. Rocks and I got to Boston on Friday around 4pm and immediately went on the Freedom Trail. It's a really cool way to see the northern part of the city, just follow the red brick/paint line. My favorite parts of the walk were seeing the little alleyways of Faneuil Hall, the small side streets in the North End (Little Italy) neighborhoods, and the Irish Famine Memorial. Okay, maybe it's weird to say that last one is a "favorite," but I was really moved by the statue and plaques. The last time I felt this connected to my ancestors was when I saw the Northern Irish murals in Belfast. I couldn't take pictures there either.

3. There are so many people in NYC that it doesn't really register who I see on the street. It's different in other cities though. There's so few people walking near me that I end up observing way TOO much about them. For instance, a lot of girls wear dresses and high heels in Boston. Why is that? And more importantly, why do I care?

4. I know Boston is nicknamed Beantown, but it should be Sausagetown. There are so many guys!! If I wasn't a sweaty, sticky, smelly, chubby mess all weekend I like to think I would have taken advantage of the odds...

In other words, I didn't even try to hook up with anyone. I sweat ALOT.

5. New England Clam Chowder is amazing. Unfortunately, that was the only Boston fare I ate all weekend. Totally random, I can't stop thinking about the American League Club sandwich I had at a Fenway bar called Cask 'n Flagon. DUDE. It was a typical club sandwich, but my god, I want one now.

6. Another amazing moment at Cask...I got stuck in a bathroom stall. I'm not kidding. I went to the bathroom, did my biz, and couldn't unlock the door. Now I'm not a claustrophobic but I am a neurotic, so it wasn't actual claustrophobia I was afraid of, it was obsessing about the POSSIBILITY of becoming claustrophobic that finally made me take action. There was only one thing to do...dive under the door and climb out.

I couldn't stop giggling for a good 15 minutes. I doubt the floor was clean. It was definitely dry, though. More important in my book.

7.DID YOU KNOW ABSINTHE IS LEGAL AGAIN?? Crazy! I had some mixed with some type of Scope/black licorice drink. The minty taste was so strong that I couldn't finish it, but I did get a little flicker action going. Good times.

8. 95 degree weather sucks!

9. Trinity Church is gorgeous. So is the other church diagonal from Trinity. I forget what it's called.

10. I lied. The attendant doesn't really give head.

11. And last but certainly not least...FENWAY PARK!

Rocks had the brilliant idea of going on the Fenway tour before the game. I never would have thought to do this! It was a great way to appreciate the park before the crowds came in. I loved hearing the Sox and the ballpark history, especially why and how the Green Monster was created and how there is a 50 year waiting list to get a job as a scoreboard operator. (It's still manual.)

All baseball fans should definitely go to Fenway. Wrigley is still my all-time favorite; Fenway top three. (I still don't understand why I loved Anaheim so much. Disney crack!) I personally didn't find the wooden grandstand seats uncomfortable, though I could see how a taller person would hate them. It's really annoying that the rows only have an exit on one side of them; I had to climb over 20 people just to go to the bathroom. Take my advice, get an aisle seat.

One of my pet peeves are people who buy sportsgear in non-team colors, like those ridiculous pink Mrs. Wright shirts that whores wear. Yes, whores. Red Sox shirts are printed and worn in a variety of colors, so it was interesting to see how different all of the fans looked. I probably wouldn't have noticed this if it wasn't for my trip to St. Louis last year; 90% of the crowd had a red Cardinals shirt on. Those darn Missourians (?) made me realize the importance of team spirit, so now I shun the folks who wear anything but their team colors. Shun, I say! Then again, I ended up buying a green Red Sox hat because I liked the shamrock so this whole paragraph is stupid.

The game was a lot of fun. The Sox played really well, beat the Mariners 11-3. Manny Ramirez hit a home run over the stands on top of the Green Monster; it was fucking awesome to watch. A blast of a hit and a blast of a weekend...

So there ya have it. Check out my pics!

Thursday, June 12

Birthday Retard

It's Donovan's birthday today. I called him and left a message. I honestly don't like him anymore, I just like birthdays.

Okay, well I did convince myself that it was okay to call even though deep down I knew I shouldn't.

Okay okay, I shouldn't have.

Okay okay okay, I will never contact him again. There's no reason to.

Okay okay okay okay, I almost sent him this card...ALMOST...

SEE?? I'm the sense that I didn't send him any inappropriate cards, but still find inappropriate cards HI-larious.

[Ed note: I wrote those "Okays" after Joe Pesci in Lethal Weapon. Please be sure to reread with his voice in mind. It makes this post less pathetic. I think.]

I knew it!!

From a Feng Shui website:

"Sleeping in line with the door also exposes you to excessive Chi, which can contribute to stress, irritability and health problems, but keeping your bed in commanding position prevents you from negative influences and puts you in control of your space and of your life."

I've been feeling really off lately and I swear to Shiz it started when I rearranged my bedroom. I hate having my bed by the door! Totally moving it back to where it was, which just so happens to be the commanding position.


Wednesday, June 11

And I was in IT for awhile...

Science experiment time:

  • Hold your mouse in your right hand. 
  • Take note of where your thumb, ring finger, and pinkie touch your mouse pad or desk.
  • Slide your mouse around without changing the position of your fingers.
  • Done.
I have no idea if you hold your mouse the same way I do, but remember when I said some of my keys were turning blue? Yeah well now they are green. I just figured out why.

I use a notebook as a mouse pad. Apparently the oils in my thumb, ring finger, and pinkie have sucked up some of the cover ink.

Now guess the colors of my notebooks.

I'm an idiot.

I was wondering why my space bar, colon, apostrophe, and return keys were the only ones changing...

Friday, June 6

Coolest. Show. Ever

I wish Yo Gabba Gabba was on at night. Then again, I highly doubt Nick Jr.'s target audience is still awake when I get home from work. Darn.

Thursday, June 5

First Baseball Trip of '08

I've seen the Mets three times this year so far. The first game I went to I happened to wear these cute red undies with little white and pink hearts. The Mets won that night so now I make it a point to wear the same pair to each game.

My friend Webby ended up having an extra ticket to the game Sunday night, so he asked me to come with. I said of course because I love going to games, plus I just happened to be wearing my red heart undies again so I knew the Mets would definitely win. (Sidenote: I keep saying "undies" because I hate the word "panties." The only time I like that word is when a guy with a low, sexy voice says to take them off.) It ended up being a great night. Not only did the Mets win, but something else really cool happened too...

Webby's seats are awesome. They are directly behind home plate in the Loge, about 6 rows from the protection net thingie. The aisle separating the box seats is directly in front of his own, so the only slightly bad thing is that people walk by all the time. You get used to it though and if it wasn't for one of those passersby, I would be in a lot of pain right now.

You know how stadiums play silly things on the Jumbotron between innings? One of the things Shea does is a trivia contest: they pick a fan, ask him a multiple choice question, and the fan answers by holding up a card with either A, B, C, or D on it. Easy enough. Well Sunday night they happened to seat the quizzees directly in front of Webby's seats. He didn't want to be on the Jumbotron so he went to get beer. I, shy person that I am, waved like a moron while texting Furbie (He was in the upperdeck with his family. Suckas.) to look at the screen. You know, because after seeing me every day for three years I knew he'd want to see a 30-foot me at Shea. Anyhoo during all this hubbub I forgot something very important...the game was still in play.

The camera stopped rolling. The quiz people got up to leave. Fans were walking down the aisle from both directions. I was sitting there texting Furbie again, cheesy post-Jumbotron grin plastered on my face, when all of a sudden BOOSH!! A plastic cup filled with beer exploded directly in front of me. No joke. The man who was holding it was walking by, his hand about a foot away from my nose. I gasped. Everyone around me gasped. I had no idea what happened until I replayed the scene backwards in slow motion. I realized the beer didn't self-destruct, it was hit...BY A JOHAN SANTANA FOUL BALL!

I swear to Shizza if that man didn't happen to walk by when he did my face would be one humongous black and blue right now. My nose would most definitely be broken, maybe even my teeth too. It was like a line-drive foul ball. I don't know how the hell it managed to miss the camera crew and all the people walking by, but THANK GOD no one got hurt. You know how painful that would have been??? Man, if that beer hadn't been there I would have been fucked.

Everyone was so in shock that it took a good 30 seconds for someone to realize no one had the ball yet. I wish the guy who found it gave it to me. I don't blame him for keeping it of course, it just would have been a cool memento.

WOW! I'm getting all excited remembering how exciting it was! Needless to say, my eyes were glued to the field the rest of the game. I don't need any more balls speeding towards my face, unless of course there's a hot guy attached to them.

I had so much fun at this game (thanks again Web!), that it totally got me pumped for this weekend. What's this weekend?


My first baseball trip of 2008 is finally here! WOO HOO!! Rockstar and I are headed up to Massachusetts tomorrow morning for a lovely weekend of baseball, beer, and Boston men. I guess we should probably squeeze in some history, too.


Saturday, May 31

Caffeinated and Horny

I'm so restless today that I can't focus on what to do. I was surprised to wake up at noon so I guess that's why I feel a little off...

Here are all the things I started today and didn't finish:

1. putting up shelves in my closet
2. sewing the bedroom curtains I started making two years ago
3. cleaning out my bedroom
4. cleaning the bathroom
5. writing in my journal
6. painting a picture

I'm not kidding. I seriously attempted all of those things in the past four hours. The only thing I did complete was the movie Thunderbolt and Lightfoot. This is where the horniest comes in: I want to be the corned beef in a Jeff Bridges/Clint Eastwood sandwich. Soooo hot!!

Blerg. I love not having plans on the weekend, I just hate not having a brain. If I'm going to be this dumb and freaky all day I might as well go out and party. I REFUSE to get sucked into a reality TV marathon on MTV, VH1, or Bravo. I have no idea if there's one actually on, but I'm assuming since the East River hasn't turned to blood, either ANTM, Top Chef, or some sort of You Can Dance but Why Do You Think I Care show is on all day. Damn you cable. Damn you to hell.

Sigh. I guess I'll just have to go out tonight...poor me.

Thursday, May 29

What a day.

I read two comics on my way into work today, I was Kidnapped by Lesbian Pirates from Outer Space and Boobage. Both were really good, but Boobage, "an autobiographical tale involving the trials and tribulations of having teeny boobs," really got me.

I'm not ready to go into the details why this book affected me so much.  I pinkie swear I will one day, though.  All that matters right now is I'm feeling more inspired to publish my own work than ever before.  In fact I was so inspired by the book that I started writing an email to the author as soon as I sat down at my desk this morning.  Five hours later I finally hit send; it took me all day to write and rewrite the damn thing. I was that excited.

I don't know how I managed to get any reports out today.  Every piece of me was focused on the comic, the email, and my story. It felt wonderful. I've been so debilitated by fear lately that I thought the only thing to get me working on my projects would be a swift kick in the ass.  It seems a nipple twist works just as well.

Wednesday, May 28

Um, Mac Users?

Why are some of my keys turning blue? It's only my space bar and my colon/semi-colon keys. Weird, right? I think I've only had black keyboards up until now, maybe I've always secreted blue sweat from my thumb and ring finger...

And what the hell is up with the Command Key? Why couldn't Control be used to copy, cut, and paste???

Tuesday, May 27

Train of Thought

I'm pretty buzzed right now. Champagne buzzed. I think champagne is the Special K of alcohol: I like being in a hole yet I can't wait to get out of it.

Not sure what I really want to write about tonight so here are a few thoughts that were floating in my fizzy-lifting-drink head on the subway ride home.

1. Wants vs. Needs

I want love. I want love so bad that I tear up every time I think about it.

I definitely want the standard "You complete me" kind of love, but I also want the "I love you so much I want to rip my skin off" slash "My heart is so filled with love for you that I can't stop burping" kinds as well (of course the latter is probably related to the champagne but whatevs). The thing is though, do I really need it??

At what point does a want become a need? I'm obviously a big Wanter: I want love, I want to lose 30 pounds, I want to get out of debt, I want to start a new career. Obviously I don't actually NEED any of these things; I've been living a pretty good life without getting them. Is this the reason why I haven't achieved these goals yet?

I guess this sort of ties back to my Fight Club post. Do I need to be held up at gunpoint and/or hit rock bottom in order to move forward??

2. And what is rock bottom for me anyway?

I have amazing friends, a great apartment, a healthier relationship with my family, a good job. I'm assuming that rock bottom would be losing all of these things, which my four hang-ups above (love, weight, debt, and career) don't really affect (thank god). So I really have nothing to lose from NOT achieving these goals, right?

3. RIGHT????

Well to be blunt I'm 30, single, flabby, in debt, and am scared shitless to create...

4. So maybe it's not about what I have to lose, it's about what could be gained.

And there you have it. Even with my active imagination "could be" means nothing to me. I'm a here and now kind of woman. I love now, I fuck now, I eat now, I spend now, I well, I'm still not sure what I do career-wise now, but you get the picture. "Now" is the only time I've acted on my whole life, which (now that I'm thinking about this) is probably the reason why I spend so much time reflecting on "The Past."

5. Interesting. If I moved from "Now" to "Could Be" would I really care about "The Was?" By the time the future became now I'd have a solid plan, so I wouldn't need to spend so much time and energy on reevaluating the past, right? Hmmm...

Maybe this is why Spaceballs is my favorite movie. It's so insightful...

Dark Helmet: "When will then be now?"

Colonel Sanders: "Soon."

Monday, May 26

I heart long weekends.

I don't know what's with me lately. I can't bring myself to write for some reason. Oh wait...I know the reason. It's because I decided to be a writer! A writer who doesn't write! Yaaaayyyyy!!!

My parents were on a cruise so they were nice enough to let me borrow their car all week. Last Sunday I did some shopping and visited my friend Tom and his fiancee Julie (so nice to finally meet her!) down in the Jerse. Monday through Thursday I kept the car in a lot. Yes this was a wienie move, but the last thing I wanted to deal with was alternate side parking. Wienie. Friday was my first Summer Friday. Minnow's policy is pretty sweet, we work 9-6pm every day and then get every other Friday off. It's, in a word, awesome.

I kicked off my Summer of George by heading back to Jersey to visit my friends Melis and Jim. It had been way too long since we last hung out, but as always, once we get together it's like no time has passed. I love that.

I also loved the hike we went on Saturday morning. It was such a beautiful day, check out the view of the city from the top of the mountain:

And another gorgeous view:

I had such a great time, thanks for having me over guys! And an even bigger thanks for answering the inevitable phone call or email bound to come your way from my parents, who did not look well when they saw this:

Introducing my "Even though I am clinically depressed, on meds, and have returned to being a fat whale, I swear to Shizza I got this cut hiking when I slipped on some leaves, landed in the crab soccer position, and sliced my wrist on a stick" scar for life. (The picture is blurry on purpose because the cut is too nasty for a close up. I only make my bed when someone comes over.) At least I'll have a great conversation starter for the next few weeks. And by "great" I mean "uncomfortably awkward and sad." The Minnow gossips are gonna eat this up.

I really miss driving. I love to drive, especially in Manhattan. It's perfect for someone with self-diagnosed ADHD and lots of aggression. It was amazing how fast all of my driving habits came back. The hair twirling, the nail-biting, the bad singing, the road rage, and the Tourette's. For example, some dude pulled up next to me to get in my lane. I was cursing him out in my head for not using his blinker when he looked over at me and sheepishly said, "I made a boo boo." I think it threw me for a loop that a) he could see me b) he was talking to me and c) I could hear him, so I really didn't mean it when I responded with a booming "Fuck you!" I was so embarrassed that I just put my head down and gave him the go-ahead wave. Remind me to buy a muzzle the next time I rent a car.

My parents came back yesterday so I did what any car-free Astorian would do on a beautiful Sunday, I walked over to the beer garden and got sloshed. It was the first time I went so far this year and it was such a good time! It really was the perfect day for outdoor drinking.

Today is all about recovering...why can't every weekend be a long one??

Monday, May 19

I'll keep going.

I could go into work now, but I have to clean my bathroom, shower, get dressed, and go into the city. If I rushed I could get there by 2pm, but then I need to leave at 4:30pm to volunteer. It's my first NYCares project, I'm doing arts and crafts with elementary school kids. I could have sworn the hours were from 5:30-6:30pm. I didn't realize I needed to leave work early. I don't think Tennis would have cared, but I thought coming in late and leaving early was worse than not coming in at all.

Actually that was the worst part about this morning. Sure the tub sitch sucked, but it was much harder for me to deal with making the decision to stay home today. I feel really guilty, especially since Summer Fridays start this week. I don't want anyone to think I'm taking advantage.

And get this, I kept wishing my mom was home so I could ask her if it's okay to call out. What the shit is that? The thing is if she would have said no, I think I would have stayed home anyways. Ha! I'm laughing now...this is for you Rockstar...

Why do I ask for other people's opinions when I already know what I'm going to do regardless of their input?