Okay, I can't believe I'm sharing this but I need to shame myself to stop drunk texting MDLL. Here is what I wrote:
11/24, 04:17pm - "I love yousomuch! I wish you loved me enough to get shit done!"
11/24, 11:22pm - "I wasted. Wooould you like to snuggle?"
11/25, 12:51am - "I love you as a Matthew!"
11/25, 01:05am - "Home. Drunk. Missing you. Waked!"
11/25, 01:07am - "Come here?"
Sigh. I won't share his responses, but they were nice. Thankfully I was already passed out when he said he'd come over.
Tuesday, November 27
Okay, I can't believe I'm sharing this but I need to shame myself to stop drunk texting MDLL. Here is what I wrote:
Oh HIMYM...how I wish you'd fucking meet the mother already! GAH!!
My Thanksgiving weekend was excellent. On Thursday I went to Rock and Row's for a lovely turkey and vodka feast, as well as some Dance Central with the X-Box Kinect. I'm tempted to ask Santa for one!
Friday Juniper and I went on a little boat cruise around downtown and the Statue of Liberty. It was the perfect weather for it, too!! Afterwards we had a delicious meal at JJ's, my favorite sushi restaurant in Astoria. I'd say all of NYC, but I've rarely given other sushi places a chance!
Saturday was jammed pack: brunch with Megkefel and Socks in Chelsea, dinner with Breen in Forest Hills, then drinks with Hugs, Stevie, and Jarv back in the AQ. I drank for around 12 hours straight. It was fun, but I was deee-runk.
Sunday I did nothing. I needed the rest. The only time I left my couch was to go food shopping. I had a hankering for a turkey sandwich. It's still so odd to me to eat sammies again, even though gluten-free bread has been a readily available option this whole time. In fact, I've been eating more GF pastries in general - bagels, pies, a cupcake - every once in a while. I try to stay away though because if I don't miss the carbs, why waste the calories?
Oh calories. I hate you. I've officially gained all of my weight back, which is obviously due to the binge drinking and face-stuffing. I finally caved and bought some new pants that actually fit versus wearing the painfully small ones. I'm disappointed with myself, but what else is new when it comes to my weight??
Good news, MDLL and I are still broken up. Bad news, any time I drink I contact him. I saw him Thursday night then drunk called/texted the rest of the weekend. Actually I was sober Sunday when I texted him only because I had no idea what I said to him on Saturday. I might have to hide my phone for the next few weeks.
The days I'm sober, mainly Monday - Wednesday, I am sad. Super sad. I cried last night and I'm bumming today. To break it down:
1. I do not not NOT want to get back together with MDLL. I really don't. He is not the person I want to settle down with.
2. I want to settle down with someone who is everything MDLL is, as well as proactive, driven, and ready for a serious relationship. I'm worried I'll never meet him or will have to wait another 10+ years to fall in love again.
3. I absolutely postively miss having MDLL as my best friend. It sucks not being able to text him about the Giants game or tell him about my day or just hang out and do nothing. Last night I was watching HIMYM and thought how nice it would have been to be snuggling with MDLL on my couch. Then I realized, no, it would just be nice to be snuggling with the guy I'm in love with, not MDLL. I think? Whatever. Basically it sucked laying there on my own.
4. Part of me thinks I should be really pissed off at MDLL for rejecting me because, if I'm honest with myself, that's exactly what he did. I'm not angry though. I don't want to be angry because it's not going to do me any good. I feel like if I'm mad it will stall all of these other emotions I eventually need to go through anyway.
5. Juniper and I discussed how it's possible MDLL is in denial about this break-up. He probably thinks this is the same situation as our other ones and I'll come running back in a few weeks. I will not. This is SO incredibly different. Granted, drunk dialing/texting isn't convincing him otherwise, but I'll get there. One day.
UUUGGGGHHHHHUUUGGGHHHHUUUGGGHHH.....I hate this...
Every Thanksgiving I am grateful for my friends. Hell, every day really! This year though I am SUPER thankful I have so many wonderful and supportive buds helping me through this break-up. I love you all!
Written by THIGHS around 4:41 PM
Via text message. First some work stuff, then....
Iron: Sounds good! You ok? [Ed note: about MDLL]
Me: Yes, thanks!! Totally getting pumped for Christmas.
Me: Wait...that reads poorly. Ha ha! EXCITED for Christmas. LOL!
Iron: Me too. I am hoping to do some decorating this weekend.
Iron: Well maybe if you are lucky you will get pumped too! Hahahhahahaha.
**It only took ten years to happen!! YAY ME!
Written by THIGHS around 10:59 AM
Tuesday, November 20
In funnier news, have I mentioned I grind my teeth in my sleep? I swear it seems worse after I went back on Auntie D, which doesn't make any sense. I should feel calmer!
I've been wearing a mouthguard for a while now. I don't know why, but the last few weeks have become pretty interesting...
I keep having dreams I am eating, then I wake up chewing on the guard!! One night I dreamt I had a mouth full of spaghetti. Last night I dreamt MDLL left an "I'm-sorry-we-broke-up-let's-be-friends" burger on my dresser. I don't know what the hell that means, but when I saw the burger I was like "Awwww...that's so nice." I bit into the bun wondering if it was gluten-free, decided it wasn't and spit it out.
Now that I think about it, I've had food dreams ever since I went GF. Usually I'm eating something I shouldn't like bread, pasta, cookies, etc. I guess the mouthguard has nothing to do with it, except now I end up chewing on it.
"I'm a Mog. Half man, half dog. I'm my own best friend."
Written by THIGHS around 11:12 AM
MDLL and I spoke last night as a sober follow-up to my drunken call on Sunday. It went fine, although now I feel incredibly guilty.
I know, I know...there's nothing to feel guilty about it. I did the best I could. I just feel bad that it wasn't enough.
I told MDLL how I feared a lifetime of kicking-and-screaming battles with him. Moving in together, getting married, having a kid, raising the kid. I can't shake the idea he would have called off our wedding or worse, left me at the altar. This is horrible.
There's nothing MDLL specifically did to warrant this notion. He is a good, caring, sensitive man with a lot of love to give. The problem with our relationship was the things he didn't or couldn't do, which is move forward not only with me, but in general.
It hurt him to hear this. It hurts me I wasn't able to help him with whatever he's going through. But, that's the problem too. This whole time I've assumed he's "going through" something. What if he's not going through anything? What if this has always been MDLL? Was I trying to "save" someone who never needed to be saved? It's all so confusing.
I love love LOVE MDLL and I absolutely want the best for him. I hate hurting him, I hate he hurt me, and I hate we had to break-up. I hate how I wouldn't give up on him, yet I'm very proud I tried too. It crossed my mind I Costanza-ed him into falling for me...
"I'm like a commercial jingle. First it's a little irritating. Then you hear it a few times. You're humming it in the shower. By the third date, it's 'Buy Mennen!'"
...except it took him seven months to "Buy Thighs!"
Christ, why the fuck is this so hard?? Hanging out, having fun, and loving each other was SUPER easy, but once our baggage was out in the open it was stuck on the conveyor.
I must be in the denial stage too because I can't believe we're done. I can't believe I'm single again. I am not looking forward to going through this with someone else, which is exactly what MDLL must be feeling when he thinks of getting remarried.
I decided I am going to be boy-free for a while. I need some breathing room.
Written by THIGHS around 10:55 AM
Monday, November 19
I'm fine, I'm not, I'm fine, I'm not.
I made the mistake of being planless this weekend. Thankfully Noon was free Friday night and Stevie, Hugs, and Jarv were around yesterday. When I was by myself, I felt lonelier than I ever have before. I cried a lot. Big soul cries. It felt good to let it out, except when I was crying on the subway and people were looking at me. Nothing to see here, folks.
MDLL has been on my mind and in my heart for the last two years. It's weird not having him in either place now or at least not admitting to myself he's still there. I feel him missing. It's like wearing a hat all day, then taking it off but still feeling like it's on.
I got wasted with the girls last night and called him. We spoke for 40 minutes and I have no recollection of what was said. When I sobered up at 4am in the morning I screamed NOOOOOOO! once I remembered the call. I immediately texted him an apology. I'm such an asshole.
Juniper said I shouldn't feel badly about it. She's right, of course. Plenty of people drunk call their exes. I just can't make it a habit.
I'm not sure I miss him. I probably do, but again, just pretending I don't. I do miss having someone to love and think about, though.
**WARNING! Overly dramatic statement alert**
My life feels so empty now.
EEEEE-EEERRRR-EEEEEE-EEEERRRR (How do you write out a siren noise?)
Sorry, I have to be a drama queen for a second.
EMPTY, MY LIFE IS EMPTY! I HATE YOU MDLL YOU ARE THE WORST I CAN'T BELIEVE I LOVED YOU. NOW I HAVE NOTHING AND YOU ARE A SHITHEAD AND YOU PROBABLY ALREADY GOT LAID THIS WEEKEND BECAUSE I FIND YOU VERY ATTRACTIVE ESPECIALLY SINCE YOU GREW A BEARD AND OTHER WOMEN THINK YOU ARE HOT. THIS IS NOT HELPING ME FEEL BETTER BUT THE CAPS LOCK IS MAKING ME YELL IN MY HEAD AS I TYPE THIS AND IT IS FUN. MY UNCLE JOHN ALWAYS WRITES HIS FACEBOOK POSTS IN CAPS AND IT IS SO ANNOYING TO READ. I HOPE THIS IS NOT ANNOYING. EXCEPT I DO HOPE IT'S ANNOYING BECAUSE FUCK YOU WORLD. LIFE SUCKS.
Ha. I'm giggling. You guys, I need help. More help than weekly therapy and 100mgs of Zoloft, apparently. I also really need to find my inner "I've had too much" flag because I drank and ate myself (ew) into oblivion three times in the past week. At least when I drank beer I'd get full. Now that I only really drink vodka, I don't have any reason to stop. Oh, except for my life, liver, well-being, budget, calories, etc. Look at that, I have plenty of reasons to stop. Yay!
STOP FUCKING GETTING SO DRUNK THAT YOU CALL YOUR EX. HE IS A DICKCUNT FOR BEING A USELESS YET SEXY AND COMFORTING LAZYBALLS. I'D LIKE TO PUNCH HIM IN HIS FACE AND I WANT VISITATION RIGHTS TO CRAZY ASS BECAUSE IT WAS MY BAR BEFORE IT BECAME HIS LIVING ROOM.
I'm so angry and hungover. This is stupid. This post is stupid. Actually I like writing it though. I don't really want to stop writing, but I should do some work. I don't want to though. I'm only working today and tomorrow and it's super quiet at the office right now so I should just keep typing long run-on sentences and stop using a period to end them becasue why stop now and why are menstruation periods called periods anyways? I used a question mark.
Thanks, Google. I HATE MDLL. I WANT LOVE. I WANT A BOYFRIEND. I WANT TO HAVE A BABY.
Yes, I am baby crazy. I am so fucking scared to have one, though.
I really hope I meet someone awesome. Please, Shizza???
Written by THIGHS around 1:06 PM
Friday, November 16
Wednesday was a rough day, but a very fun night. I hung out with friends from Crazy Ass at a bar near me and had a blast. It was nice to hear their thoughts on my and MDLL's break-up. Basically the consensus is he's a moron for fucking this all up. I agree to a point.
Yes, he's stupid for not getting a divorce and breaking my heart. You know what, though? I think he did me a favor. The rose-colored love blinders are off. I'm finally seeing our relationship clearly now.
We were absolutely in love and I am not going to take that away from us. The thing is we were absolutely on the wrong page. I knew this, but it never hit home with me. For the first time in my adult life I was ready for a serious relationship. For the first time in his adult life he was single and figuring out who he is after a failed marriage. If I wanted a casual relationship with him, it would have been fine. In fact, it WAS fine, except when I brought up his divorce or our future. Deep down, I knew something was wrong and I think MDLL did, too.
One thing that always struck me as odd - it never looked right whenever I wrote my first name with his last as if we were married. For a while I thought it meant I want to keep my maiden name and stay Thighs McGee. Now I can't help wonder if it actually meant I knew we shouldn't be together. I know this sounds like a silly teenage girl way to decide if I've met The One, but I was so head over heels for the guy that you'd think I couldn't wait to take his name. It wasn't even something stupid like Weiner or Mannon either!!
After changing my perspective the past couple of days, I find myself strangely okay about this break-up. Confident even!! I don't think there is anything I could have done better with MDLL. I gave it my absolute all and I am VERY proud. After being single all of these years, I not only feared I was damaged goods who would never find love, but I also feared my emotional issues would hurt my relationships. I now know I am a respectful, kind, caring, and sensitive girlfriend who can have tough conversations without letting my ragesnake loose. I had every right to lace into MDLL to get him to take action, but I knew fighting wouldn't fix us. Having grown up in a combative home, I want to do my best to ensure my family lives in a safe, loving, and empowering one.
I am wiser and more secure in my ability to find true love than I ever have been before. It's so exciting!! I'm not ready to get back out there yet by any means, but I know someone fantastic is out there waiting for me. And I can't wait to meet him.
Written by THIGHS around 5:18 PM
Wednesday, November 14
I'm really struggling this week. Why do I always seem to break-up with MDLL right before my period? It makes it so much worse.
I keep writing him emails and immediately deleting them. There's nothing left to say at this point. I can tell him I never want to speak to him again, but that's pretty immature and counter-intuitive. I'm sure my silence speaks volumes.
It's only been a week since we broke up, five days since I last saw him, and three days since I hate-texted. It feels like an eternity already, like I should be over him by now. Why is love in dog years??
Tonight I'm hanging out with mutual friends on my side of town, nowhere near Crazy Ass. Well, nowhere near it in lazy people geography. In reality it's only a mile away from him, but there is zero chance he will make the "trek". I want to punch him in his stupid feet. I don't know what that means...
I'd get a dog if I wasn't going to be travelling for work soon. Did I mention LA client is a go? Also, Iron is going to London for two weeks in December for another client. She said she'd fly me out for a couple of days, so we can hang, but I doubt it will happen. OH SHIT. I think my passport expires soon.
Written by THIGHS around 1:08 PM
Tuesday, November 13
Thanks so much for the kind words and support about the break-up. Breakup or break-up? Whatever. Hopefully this will be the last one of my life!
I'm obviously a plethora of emotions right now. I'm lonely, sad, embarrassed, scared, disappointed, proud, empowered, mad, the list goes on. Thankfully Therapy Thursdays are back, plus my doctor recommended I double my anti-depressant dosage. I was hesitant, but I trust her. She pointed out my drinking/eating binges and lack of motivation are key indicators I'm depressed again and have been for a while. She's right, of course. I haven't been well since June.
To help get over MDLL once and for all, I've decided to drown my sorrows in....
wait for it...
movies!! It's a healthy and sober alternative to my preferred choices of escapism. I'm banging through (heh) my Netflix queue and hitting the theater with a vengeance. Some recent flicks and my highly insightful, long, drawn out reviews...
Wreck-It Ralph - SO FUN. I loved it. Great for thirty-somethings who remember the old video games.
Skyfall - Nothing special, but Javier Bardem was great.
Rope, a rereleased 1948 Hitchcock film - Okay. Film students would appreciate how it was shot though.
Cloud Atlas, Lincoln, and The Birds this week! (Look how fancy I'm being with the italics!)
The Cabin in the Woods - EXCELLENT. I don't like scary movies anymore, but this is so much more than a scary movie.
9 to 5 - Very funny. Amazing how women in the workplace have come so far and yet haven't gotten anywhere. Dolly Parton rules.
Manhattan - I loved Woody Allen movies as a kid and it's fun to watch them again as an adult. Yes, he's out of his mind, but who isn't? Also, I love seeing old NYC.
Heathers - Another fun flick from my youth. Who are the Winona Ryders and Christian Slaters of this generation?
Boogie Man: The Lee Atwater Story - I am so happy I'm into politics and current events now. So adult! Rippie recommended this documentary about the RNC campaign manager in the Bush Sr. years. Fascinating and disturbing.
Wal-Mart: The High Cost of Low Price - I can't believe Wal-Mart gets away with abusing their employees and ruining small communities. I am so glad there aren't any in the city.
Timer - A fun and thoughtful sci-fi rom-com. A device implanted into your wrist tells you the exact date and time you will meet your soulmate. I wasn't feeling the lead actress, but the concept is genius.
Dial M for Murder - I've always been a big Hitchcock fan and I'm having fun watching them all again. This movie is brilliant.
Under the Boardwalk: The Monopoly Story - No joke, there is a HUGE international Monopoly championship every few years. This 19 year old kid from Norway won the last one. He's like model-y and stuff, right?
Written by THIGHS around 12:57 PM
Monday, November 12
I have to be honest about something. I lied to everyone - my family, friends, and Thighs readers - when I said MDLL processed his divorce back in June. He met with his ex and filled everything out, then she was supposed to review it with another lawyer friend and submit it to the courthouse. She never did.
I lied to get everyone off my back. I'm not happy about it, but I didn't know how to separate my feelings from everyone else's judgments. He promised me it wouldn't be long, so I thought a temporary lie to get some breathing room would be okay. Obviously it didn't work out that way and as a result we broke up last week.
My parents will be crushed if they ever find out I lied. So why post about it? To come clean to everyone else I guess, including myself. I might tell them at some point, but I don't know what the value would be other than to clear my conscience.
So what happened? It was around mid-September when I finally realized I was not okay with his bullshit. He was planning our vacation and I said something along the lines of, "Please stop relying on your unreliable ex and get this shit done before we go away." He promised me it would be finished, so we could enjoy ourselves. Six weeks later, it wasn't done.
It was at Socks' wedding when I realized MDLL and I were never going to get married. I was devastated. I AM devastated. He loves and cares about me, but not enough to move forward or, at the very least, end the past. I realize now if a guy wants something, he goes for it. If he drags his feet, he doesn't really want it. Thank you, Captain Obvious.
The day after the wedding we had a very hard discussion with a semi-break up. The next day he pinched a nerve in his back and couldn't move, so I took care of him. My stress seems to manifest itself physically in my gut, like I can't digest what I'm hearing. His stress manifests itself into back pain, probably because he doesn't have a strong enough spine. Ooooo...I didn't even know I was going to write that. How mean.
His mom and her boyfriend arrived two days later. I hung out with them everyday like nothing was wrong. I really did have a great time with her and was saddened I'll probably never see her again. Whenever his mom wasn't around, MDLL and I would cry and hug each other. He finally told her we were breaking up on her last day. She said that's a shame because she never saw him this happy before and basically called him an asshole for fucking it all up. He is one.
That day I also told my parents a variation of the truth. As you well know (although you're probably not sure now), I HATE LIARS. I hate passive-aggressive people. I hate beating around the bush. I realize now the reason why I've been eating and drinking myself into oblivion since July is because I hate keeping secrets. I pride myself on being honest to a fault and I wasn't being true to myself or to the people closest to me. I needed the space though. It was the only way I would see what was happening without the noise around me.
I told my parents he submitted in it in June and had to wait 90 days before it processed. Once it was in for processing, the courthouse said something was wrong and it wasn't submitted, which meant we only found out the end of September. Lies on top of lies.
The joke is, his ex FINALLY went to the courthouse on Friday the 19th, two days before we left for Puerto Rico. There were two ways she could have submitted the information and for some reason she didn't take it upon herself to figure it out. She called MDLL to do it instead. The blind leading the fucking lazy with those two.
My parents were super upset and didn't want me to go to PR with him. My mom thought we'd be fighting the whole time and I'd be unsafe. I always say MDLL and I don't fight, but we do, it's just not the type of fighting I grew up with. MDLL and I were very good arguers by always being respectful and carefully choosing our words. He and I both have a form of relationship PTSD since his ex was a rage-aholic like my mother. When I told MDLL my mother's worries, he called my parents and assured them not only would we be safe, but he would file his divorce as soon as we got back.
You probably won't believe anything I say now, and I don't blame you, but Puerto Rico really was a nice time. We put our heads in the warm sand, ignored our problems, and enjoyed each other. We knew reality and a break-up was waiting for us when we got back, so we made the most of our trip. Here are the pictures, if you're interested. As my mom put it, you can see how happy we are together and how much love he has for me in his eyes. It's a shame the kid is too paralyzed to do anything about it.
We got back from Puerto Rico on Friday the 26th, right before Sandy hit. I'll write about the storm another time. Luckily my neighborhood was fine. MDLL's office was closed the whole week and he spent it at Crazy Ass rather than file his divorce. I was LIVID. We argued, he said he would take care of it the following week. We went to the Steelers/Giants game, which I jokingly and ironically called The Break-Up Bowl. Two days later we broke up. This past Friday I got all of my shit from his apartment. Yesterday I got bombed and sent a few hate-texts. Today I'm okay.
So there you have it. I'm sorry I lied. I'm sorry I didn't know what else to do. I'm not sorry I tried so hard with MDLL. Thanks to him I now know I am an awesome girlfriend capable of loving and being loved. I know I want a solid relationship with a man who is everything MDLL is plus proactive, interested in doing things other than drinking, and who makes the effort to keep me happy. Oh and NOT MARRIED or shell-shocked from a previous relationship.
I don't know what's next for me, though. I am very upset, but it's manageable as long as I don't think about the future I hoped we would have or the future I fear, ie continuing my track record of being a female version of Good Luck, Chuck. If MDLL marries the next girl he dates I might pursue being a Buddhist monk afterall.
Of course my other track record indicates I will most likely go back to MDLL within a couple of weeks. Every time we've broken up I've said "This is different." or "Never again." I'm not going to say any of that this time. Instead I'll repeat what my doctor said on Friday, "A challenging relationship will always be challenging." Amen, sister.
It has finally come to the point where I want to change MDLL. I also want HIM to want to change. This is a recipe for further disaster. People never change. Our relationship will never change even if he does get a divorce. I will be pulling him kicking and screaming the whole way and you know what? It just doesn't seem to be worth the effort anymore. So sad.
Written by THIGHS around 11:43 AM