Strangely okay...

Wednesday was a rough day, but a very fun night.  I hung out with friends from Crazy Ass at a bar near me and had a blast.  It was nice to hear their thoughts on my and MDLL's break-up. Basically the consensus is he's a moron for fucking this all up.  I agree to a point.

Yes, he's stupid for not getting a divorce and breaking my heart.  You know what, though?  I think he did me a favor.  The rose-colored love blinders are off.  I'm finally seeing our relationship clearly now.

We were absolutely in love and I am not going to take that away from us.  The thing is we were absolutely on the wrong page.  I knew this, but it never hit home with me.  For the first time in my adult life I was ready for a serious relationship.  For the first time in his adult life he was single and figuring out who he is after a failed marriage.  If I wanted a casual relationship with him, it would have been fine. In fact, it WAS fine, except when I brought up his divorce or our future.  Deep down, I knew something was wrong and I think MDLL did, too. 

One thing that always struck me as odd - it never looked right whenever I wrote my first name with his last as if we were married.  For a while I thought it meant I want to keep my maiden name and stay Thighs McGee. Now I can't help wonder if it actually meant I knew we shouldn't be together.  I know this sounds like a silly teenage girl way to decide if I've met The One, but I was so head over heels for the guy that you'd think I couldn't wait to take his name. It wasn't even something stupid like Weiner or Mannon either!!

After changing my perspective the past couple of days, I find myself strangely okay about this break-up. Confident even!! I don't think there is anything I could have done better with MDLL.  I gave it my absolute all and I am VERY proud.  After being single all of these years, I not only feared I was damaged goods who would never find love, but I also feared my emotional issues would hurt my relationships. I now know I am a respectful, kind, caring, and sensitive girlfriend who can have tough conversations without letting my ragesnake loose.  I had every right to lace into MDLL to get him to take action, but I knew fighting wouldn't fix us. Having grown up in a combative home, I want to do my best to ensure my family lives in a safe, loving, and empowering one.

I am wiser and more secure in my ability to find true love than I ever have been before. It's so exciting!!  I'm not ready to get back out there yet by any means, but I know someone fantastic is out there waiting for me.  And I can't wait to meet him.