Saturday, May 31

Caffeinated and Horny

I'm so restless today that I can't focus on what to do. I was surprised to wake up at noon so I guess that's why I feel a little off...

Here are all the things I started today and didn't finish:

1. putting up shelves in my closet
2. sewing the bedroom curtains I started making two years ago
3. cleaning out my bedroom
4. cleaning the bathroom
5. writing in my journal
6. painting a picture

I'm not kidding. I seriously attempted all of those things in the past four hours. The only thing I did complete was the movie Thunderbolt and Lightfoot. This is where the horniest comes in: I want to be the corned beef in a Jeff Bridges/Clint Eastwood sandwich. Soooo hot!!

Blerg. I love not having plans on the weekend, I just hate not having a brain. If I'm going to be this dumb and freaky all day I might as well go out and party. I REFUSE to get sucked into a reality TV marathon on MTV, VH1, or Bravo. I have no idea if there's one actually on, but I'm assuming since the East River hasn't turned to blood, either ANTM, Top Chef, or some sort of You Can Dance but Why Do You Think I Care show is on all day. Damn you cable. Damn you to hell.

Sigh. I guess I'll just have to go out tonight...poor me.

Thursday, May 29

What a day.

I read two comics on my way into work today, I was Kidnapped by Lesbian Pirates from Outer Space and Boobage. Both were really good, but Boobage, "an autobiographical tale involving the trials and tribulations of having teeny boobs," really got me.

I'm not ready to go into the details why this book affected me so much.  I pinkie swear I will one day, though.  All that matters right now is I'm feeling more inspired to publish my own work than ever before.  In fact I was so inspired by the book that I started writing an email to the author as soon as I sat down at my desk this morning.  Five hours later I finally hit send; it took me all day to write and rewrite the damn thing. I was that excited.

I don't know how I managed to get any reports out today.  Every piece of me was focused on the comic, the email, and my story. It felt wonderful. I've been so debilitated by fear lately that I thought the only thing to get me working on my projects would be a swift kick in the ass.  It seems a nipple twist works just as well.

Wednesday, May 28

Um, Mac Users?

Why are some of my keys turning blue? It's only my space bar and my colon/semi-colon keys. Weird, right? I think I've only had black keyboards up until now, maybe I've always secreted blue sweat from my thumb and ring finger...

And what the hell is up with the Command Key? Why couldn't Control be used to copy, cut, and paste???

Tuesday, May 27

Train of Thought

I'm pretty buzzed right now. Champagne buzzed. I think champagne is the Special K of alcohol: I like being in a hole yet I can't wait to get out of it.

Not sure what I really want to write about tonight so here are a few thoughts that were floating in my fizzy-lifting-drink head on the subway ride home.

1. Wants vs. Needs

I want love. I want love so bad that I tear up every time I think about it.

I definitely want the standard "You complete me" kind of love, but I also want the "I love you so much I want to rip my skin off" slash "My heart is so filled with love for you that I can't stop burping" kinds as well (of course the latter is probably related to the champagne but whatevs). The thing is though, do I really need it??

At what point does a want become a need? I'm obviously a big Wanter: I want love, I want to lose 30 pounds, I want to get out of debt, I want to start a new career. Obviously I don't actually NEED any of these things; I've been living a pretty good life without getting them. Is this the reason why I haven't achieved these goals yet?

I guess this sort of ties back to my Fight Club post. Do I need to be held up at gunpoint and/or hit rock bottom in order to move forward??

2. And what is rock bottom for me anyway?

I have amazing friends, a great apartment, a healthier relationship with my family, a good job. I'm assuming that rock bottom would be losing all of these things, which my four hang-ups above (love, weight, debt, and career) don't really affect (thank god). So I really have nothing to lose from NOT achieving these goals, right?

3. RIGHT????

Well to be blunt I'm 30, single, flabby, in debt, and am scared shitless to create...

4. So maybe it's not about what I have to lose, it's about what could be gained.

And there you have it. Even with my active imagination "could be" means nothing to me. I'm a here and now kind of woman. I love now, I fuck now, I eat now, I spend now, I well, I'm still not sure what I do career-wise now, but you get the picture. "Now" is the only time I've acted on my whole life, which (now that I'm thinking about this) is probably the reason why I spend so much time reflecting on "The Past."

5. Interesting. If I moved from "Now" to "Could Be" would I really care about "The Was?" By the time the future became now I'd have a solid plan, so I wouldn't need to spend so much time and energy on reevaluating the past, right? Hmmm...

Maybe this is why Spaceballs is my favorite movie. It's so insightful...

Dark Helmet: "When will then be now?"

Colonel Sanders: "Soon."

Monday, May 26

I heart long weekends.

I don't know what's with me lately. I can't bring myself to write for some reason. Oh wait...I know the reason. It's because I decided to be a writer! A writer who doesn't write! Yaaaayyyyy!!!

My parents were on a cruise so they were nice enough to let me borrow their car all week. Last Sunday I did some shopping and visited my friend Tom and his fiancee Julie (so nice to finally meet her!) down in the Jerse. Monday through Thursday I kept the car in a lot. Yes this was a wienie move, but the last thing I wanted to deal with was alternate side parking. Wienie. Friday was my first Summer Friday. Minnow's policy is pretty sweet, we work 9-6pm every day and then get every other Friday off. It's, in a word, awesome.

I kicked off my Summer of George by heading back to Jersey to visit my friends Melis and Jim. It had been way too long since we last hung out, but as always, once we get together it's like no time has passed. I love that.

I also loved the hike we went on Saturday morning. It was such a beautiful day, check out the view of the city from the top of the mountain:

And another gorgeous view:

I had such a great time, thanks for having me over guys! And an even bigger thanks for answering the inevitable phone call or email bound to come your way from my parents, who did not look well when they saw this:

Introducing my "Even though I am clinically depressed, on meds, and have returned to being a fat whale, I swear to Shizza I got this cut hiking when I slipped on some leaves, landed in the crab soccer position, and sliced my wrist on a stick" scar for life. (The picture is blurry on purpose because the cut is too nasty for a close up. I only make my bed when someone comes over.) At least I'll have a great conversation starter for the next few weeks. And by "great" I mean "uncomfortably awkward and sad." The Minnow gossips are gonna eat this up.

I really miss driving. I love to drive, especially in Manhattan. It's perfect for someone with self-diagnosed ADHD and lots of aggression. It was amazing how fast all of my driving habits came back. The hair twirling, the nail-biting, the bad singing, the road rage, and the Tourette's. For example, some dude pulled up next to me to get in my lane. I was cursing him out in my head for not using his blinker when he looked over at me and sheepishly said, "I made a boo boo." I think it threw me for a loop that a) he could see me b) he was talking to me and c) I could hear him, so I really didn't mean it when I responded with a booming "Fuck you!" I was so embarrassed that I just put my head down and gave him the go-ahead wave. Remind me to buy a muzzle the next time I rent a car.

My parents came back yesterday so I did what any car-free Astorian would do on a beautiful Sunday, I walked over to the beer garden and got sloshed. It was the first time I went so far this year and it was such a good time! It really was the perfect day for outdoor drinking.

Today is all about recovering...why can't every weekend be a long one??

Monday, May 19

I'll keep going.

I could go into work now, but I have to clean my bathroom, shower, get dressed, and go into the city. If I rushed I could get there by 2pm, but then I need to leave at 4:30pm to volunteer. It's my first NYCares project, I'm doing arts and crafts with elementary school kids. I could have sworn the hours were from 5:30-6:30pm. I didn't realize I needed to leave work early. I don't think Tennis would have cared, but I thought coming in late and leaving early was worse than not coming in at all.

Actually that was the worst part about this morning. Sure the tub sitch sucked, but it was much harder for me to deal with making the decision to stay home today. I feel really guilty, especially since Summer Fridays start this week. I don't want anyone to think I'm taking advantage.

And get this, I kept wishing my mom was home so I could ask her if it's okay to call out. What the shit is that? The thing is if she would have said no, I think I would have stayed home anyways. Ha! I'm laughing now...this is for you Rockstar...

Why do I ask for other people's opinions when I already know what I'm going to do regardless of their input?

Fuckin' 4B

I'm so annoyed. Did I ever mention that my neighbors spend every waking moment in their bathroom? Seriously, one of them is in there at any given moment. I think they get paid to run water.

My first super was this guy named Joe. I don't know what nationality he was, let's just say Russian because he looked like he drank a fifth of vodka just to get out of bed in the morning. Joe was a very nice yet lazy super. He always kept the building clean, but wasn't great on fixing things in the apartment. After awhile I gave up asking him to do stuff and started fixing shit on my own. I'm pretty handy when it comes to the small stuff.

The one thing I did need Joe to fix was my damn tub. I guess I lived here for about a year when it first happened. I woke up to a loud gurgle; it sort of sounded like the river of slime in Ghostbusters 2. I looked in the bathroom and there was thick brown gunk coming up from my drain. I swear to Shiz I thought someone's toilet backwashed into my tub. I nearly barfed. Luckily my parents came up that day; when my dad saw the mess he assured me it was drainage gunk not poopage gunk. Phew.

The plumber didn't come for three days. I was so pissed. Thankfully I still had my Crunch membership so I used their shower before work in the morning. Oy. Now that I think of it, that was the last day I stepped foot into a gym. Whoops.

I remember the day the tub was supposed to be fixed. I was psyched to be able to shower again (it's the little things in life), but once I saw my bathroom I flipped. The tub was drained but filthy. Somehow my sink got involved and all of my products underneath were covered in gunk. And the best part, there was a big gaping hole was in my wall. The plumber had to knock out six tiles and my soap dish. Awesome.

I complained for weeks, but Joe didn't respond. Since my shower was working, I covered the hole with poster board and gave up. Two months later I found out Joe was diagnosed with cancer. Two months after that he passed away. It was such a shame, he really was a nice guy. I no longer cared about my bathroom. This was early 2006. The hole is still there.

About a year after Joe died, my tub acted up again. It turned out 4B's plumbing was the issue. They apparently needed all new pipes. I found this out early one morning when I heard a sledgehammer knocking through their bathroom walls.

I was afraid to come home that night. I had no idea what to expect and even if I did, I don't think I would have expected what actually happened. My bathroom walls were still up (thank god), but the impact of the sledgehammer caused my medicine cabinet to shift a few inches and empty out. My sink, shower curtain, towels, and part of the floor were covered with paint from four broken nailpolish bottles. All shades of red and brown. It was a bitch to clean.

Naturally I flipped out again. I could hear Female 4B in the bathroom (where else would she be), so I ripped down the poster board and went to stick my head through the wall Shining-style. All I wanted to do was yell and scare the shit out of her. I did NOT want to see a 50 year old Italian woman naked exiting the shower. But I did. From the waist down.

Needless to say, I scared the shit out of her. I yelled, but it wasn't the angry "my bathroom's a mess because of you" it was "oh my god I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm so sorry." Whoops again.

I haven't seen the woman since, but hot damn she is still in that bathroom all fucking day. In fact I can hear her right now. Yep, I'm home at noon on a Monday. Know why I'm home? 4B has once again caused my tub to blow up. I woke up to this, but with six more inches of water:

It started draining itself about an hour ago.  The landlord, plumber, and new super (the one who fixed my kitchen sink a few weeks ago) were just here. They said 4B is all fixed now so I shouldn't have any problems.  I fucking hope not!  Who wants to take a day off waiting to get their tub fixed?? I'd rather go on a day trip or something, not sit in my apartment which, no offense to Delilah, has smelled like a wet turd all day.

So there ya have it.  My Monday.  Fuckin' 4B!  WHY ARE YOU ALWAYS IN THE BATHROOM?

Friday, May 16

Partner let me upgrade you

Ever wonder what I look like while blogging?  Don't.  I'm either pantsless and laughing or pantsless and sobbing.  Me pantsless is blinding.

Ever wonder what my old computer looked like?  No?  Remember the movie War Games with Matthew Broderick?  No?  Why are we friends again?

Introducing my very own WOPR ("whopper").  Note the size of the computer against the Amstel Light.  

Wait it gets better...check out the monitor's girth...

Sad. Huge and sad.

It was definitely time for an upgrade so I switched my neck tie to purple labels and bought Maczine...ain't she a beaut???

Wednesday, May 14

Broken record

Ricola Ricola Ricola Ricola Ricola Ricola

Sputnik Sputnik Sputnik Sputnik Sputnik

Racing thoughts suck.  My new trick?  I think of one word over and over again.  It leaves just enough room in my mind for only two more thoughts:

What the fuck am I doing with my life?  and I am insane.

I haven't been posting much lately because I feel like a broken record (and I'm afraid to use Maczine, she's way out of my league).  Where am I going? When will I get there?  Who will be waiting?  What shoes should I wear?  Blah blah blah.

A scene in the movie Fight Club has been on loop in my head for over a year now.  It's the one where Tyler grabs the clerk out of a convenient store, puts a gun to his head and says:

“Raymond, you’re going to die.” He looks through the man’s wallet, “An expired community college I.D. What’ja study Raymond?”


“Stuff? Were the midterms hard?” He smacks him on the head with the barrel of the gun, “I asked you what you studied!”

“Biology, mostly,” the man cries.


“I don’t know.”

“What did you want to be, Raymond K. Hassel?” 

“Veterinarian, veterinarian…”

“Animals! That means you’ve got to get more schooling.”

“Too much school.”

“Would you rather be dead?”

“No, please…”

“I’m keeping your license. I’m gonna check in on you. I know where you live. If you’re not on your way to becoming a veterinarian in six weeks, you’re going to be dead. Run on.” 

Universe before I begin, please note I DO NOT WANT TO BE HELD UP AT GUNPOINT. EVER. Thank you.

What would I say if I was Raymond?  Would I say anything?  Would I whimper "I don't know" over and over? Would I say, "Fuck you and shoot me muthafucka?"  

Is my fear of knowing myself, knowing my purpose stronger than my fear of death??  Or am I of course over-thinking this, that I'd simply rather live my life not knowing my full potential just as long as I have plenty of time to watch The Hills?

Interesting.  And by "interesting" I mean "Shut the fuck up already you whiny bitch!"

Jupiter Jupiter Jupiter Jupiter Jupiter 

Friday, May 9

It's a girl!

Name: Maczine Marie McGee

Parents: Thighs Marie McGee and Delilah Marie Foray

(Marie is always the middle name of the first born daughter in my family for generations. I don't know why.)

Birthdate: May 7, 2008 (same day as my mom!)

Height: 20-inches

Weight: not so heavy out of the box

Hair: none


First word(s): "Hello" in fourteen different languages

Mom's proudest moment thus far: Giggling on camera

Mom's not-so-proudest moment thus far: Asking herself, "Okay, I have a Mac. Now what?"

Wednesday, May 7

I did something!

I've decided to give up thinking and just go right on with the doing. My first do?


It is the single most expensive item I have ever bought.

How is blogging on a Mac? I wouldn't know, I haven't taken it out of the box yet. Two reasons:

1. I took the subway home. This means I carried the 26 pound computer, a wacom tablet, external hard-drive, and my ridiculously heavy purse from 5th to Lex, then from the subway to my apartment (a 10 minute walk when I'm not lugging shit), and then up my four flights of stairs.

2. My arms and shoulders were really sore, so I laid on my couch like Nell Carter for a good twenty minutes until I had the bright idea to have a drink to take the edge off.

Had I mentioned Krull was a bartender? Well he was. Is. Whatever. Anyways, one night I was at his bar and wasn't really in the mood to drink beer so I thought I'd have a liqueur of some sort. He suggested I try Disaronno. I laughed and said sure, I'll suck the ice cubes dry like the chick in the commercial, ha ha, yada, yada...

Well somehow between that night and today I managed to not only buy a huge bottle of Disaronno, but already drink half of it. It truly is delicious, so while I do suggest trying it I do NOT suggest keeping a bottle in your house. It's waaaay too easy to get shitfaced without meaning to, like tonight for instance.

I swear I only had half a glass. I was bombed for most of America's Next Top Model to the end of Rambo need to take the computer out of the box when I'm half in the bag...

So there you have it. I'm an iDiot.

Tuesday, May 6

Yay! Boooo! Yay! Boooo!

The title of this post pretty much sums up this past week. For every "yay" there was a "boo."


1. Brother Rippie and his lady Devo were in from California. IT WAS SO GREAT TO SEE THEM!!

2. Iron Man is awesome. If you are a comic fan, you MUST stay through the credits. If you aren't a comic fan, stay through the credits and I'll explain to you why that is the coolest fucking thing in the fucking world and why I kept shrieking like a little bitch through the whole scene. I teared up a bit.

3. My dodgeball team made the finals!

4. If you've known me for awhile, you are fully aware that I'd rather sew my eyelids to my toes then sing karaoke. I absolutely positively hate it, but I have to be honest...the American Idol game rocks!!


1. My kitchen sink was busted for two days. The pipe disconnected from the drain causing a flood all under my cabinet. It totally sucked, especially when I kept absentmindedly turning the water on to wash my hands after cleaning underneath. I did this three times until I finally put a bag over the faucet. Of course the bag didn't stop me from dumping two glasses of water into the sink an hour later. Needless to say, I cursed ALOT.

2. My interweb went down. I rearranged my bedroom, forgetting that I only have one outlet and no extension cord. I had to move my furniture back to its original position in order to use my computer, but for some reason my modem wouldn't work when I plugged it back in. Totally annoying.

3. I had a very stressful week at work, which is stupid for two reasons. One, I took this job to detach and be stress-free. Two, I haven't been at Minnow very long. I should cut myself some slack.

Nerdspeak: I was stuck in database hell. Every file I imported into Access needed to be scrubbed, but of course I couldn't tell what was fucked up with it until I ran the queries. It took me two full days to get it right; I wanted to shoot myself.

I fell right into my old Company habits: frustration, anger, "Why the fuck do they even need this shittin' report?," more anger, stupid mistakes, rage, "What the fuck am I doing with my life?," ulcer, stomach pain, teeth grinding, "I fucking hate the world!!!!", HULK OUT....

I finally figured it out on Friday. I was so fucking happy that I wet myself. I think I saw Jesus.

Thankfully I have learned to keep my mouth shut and go for a walk when I get that upset, but man, keeping that shit in hurts...

4. ...making me circle back to:

What the fuck AM I doing with my life???

I am having an identity crisis. I thought I was doing really well with things, but yeah, no. I feel so out of sorts lately. I think that's why I haven't written in awhile. Well posted anyways; I've been writing in my journal like a mad-woman.

I wish I could stop thinking. I think way too fucking much. I want to DO, not THINK!

Ugh! Fuck! Boo!