Friday, April 27


This week was loooooooong, but good!

I heard from MDLL. He's going to Pittsburgh to finalize his divorce!!! I am so, SO happy for him. He will feel great once it's done. Me, well I'm not holding my breath, but I am glad he's finally going.

Saturday Night guy and I went out on Wednesday. He's hot. SUPER hot, like a sunnier Eric from True Blood hot. We went out for dinner and drinks in the neighborhood. It was okay. He's very personable and talkative, which was nice. He's not very funny, though. I don't think I laughed at all, except at my own jokes. Fa! He's not into sports either, which my chauvinistic side does not understand. You have a penis!

Did I mention he's HOT? I don't even like blonde guys, but he's smoking. Even the waitresses gave me the "nice job" look.  It was fun to have a trophy wife for a night.

We left it open and casual. When I got home I thought I'd go out with him again because he's so pretty, but now I don't think I will. One, I'm not ready. Two, he's meh. And three, going out with him made me realize I still want MDLL.

I will keep dating if I meet someone interesting. If MDLL and I are both single once his divorce is final, I will absolutely give him a second chance. I want to know what our relationship will be like without the elephant in the room. I want to make out with his face and have babies named Taco and Guac and live on a boat and eat cheese and color all day long.

Enough about boys...last night I saw Avengers with Juniper. IT IS SO FUCKING AWESOME! YOU MUST SEE IT AS SOON AS YOU CAN! It was glorious!! Tonight is pokher, tomorrow is bike riding and drinking with Janey, and Sunday I might use my archery Groupon and do some yoga.

AHH! Almost forgot, I booked my trip! I decided to go to Florida instead of the Caribbean or Mexico. I fly to Miami on the 12th for the Mets/Marlins game. On the 16th I'm going to Tampa to see a Rays game with my friend Palmio. I haven't booked my return flight yet, nor do I know what I'm going to do between the games, but I. AM. PSYCHED!

I am also a spending machine. Once I get back from vacation I am on financial lockdown. I went to therapy this week and told Cee how my old excessive drinking and spending habits are back ever since the breakup. Ironically it's a self-preserving AND self-destructing pattern. I am SUCH a Pisces...

Twas a good week, twis a good life, and twalways good times (even during the bad ones). Goody goody!

*Thank friggin' Shizza it's Friday!

Monday, April 23

Saturday Night Guy called!

Holy crap, he called and we are hanging out Wednesday.  SHOOTIN' FISH IN A BARREL.

My ego totally needs this.  Yay!!

All I really want is BOYS.

Friday night I chatted up a guy sitting next to me at the bar.  We made out for a while and he took my number.  I don't care if he calls.

Saturday night I chatted up another guy at another bar.  He asked me for my number, too.  I'm very attracted to this one and wouldn't mind getting to know him. 


I'm limbo-single right now.  I have feelings for MDLL yet enjoy meeting new suitors.  It's funny, I finally see my lovepast in a positive light.  There were plenty of ups (penises) and downs (me crying over someone); thankfully I'm now able to laugh about it all and cherish the experience.  The more divorcees I meet, the happier I am my twenties were a time of growth, hedonism, and MEMEME.

For the first time in the 20 months I've known MDLL, I could really use a break.  I don't know if this means we're meant to be or not.  It weirded me out how excited I was by the Saturday night guy.  Can I love MDLL and be attracted to someone else?

I'm addicted to Googling relationship questions.  I found this link after searching "how do you know if he's the one?"  I took the quiz and the good news is MDLL passed all of them, except for the second one:  Are you more impressed by what he says rather than what he does?

The example they give doesn't fit our situation.  He is very good to me on the day to day things.  He says he loves me and he acts like it...except for the divorce.  When it comes to that, I am more impressed by what he says rather than what he does because he barely did anything.

At the bottom they have a GO NO FURTHER WITH HIM section.  This one bothered me: • You find yourself making excuses for him. Do you feel the need to tell friends that he's 'not always like that' or 'he's had a tough upbringing'? Do you downplay bad behaviour? STOP: Your friends are worried about you.

Again, it's always in regards to the divorce.  I never felt the need to make an excuse for his behavior on anything else.  When he fucks up, I admit he fucks up, and tell him so, end of story.

It's obvious MDLL is not The One right now at least.  No one is at the moment.  I need to be single for a while and enjoy it while I can!

Thursday, April 19

Hate and Run

The text I want to write to MDLL: I hate you I hate you I hate you.   I also want to beat the crap out of an ex-friend, yell at a travel agent to book my relaxing vacation to either the Caribbean or Mexico which is ironically stressing me out, and run a marathon.

I haven't been this angry, upset, or what's the word for wanting to run away and escape...escapey, in a very long time. It's amazing how familar this feeling is, though. I used to always feel like this! I never thought emotions and thoughts can be like old friends, but here we are...

1. What is the point of telling MDLL I hate him? To hurt him. To contact him. To know he's alive. (For some reason I keep thinking he's dead.)

2. What is the point of punching the ex-friend? To hurt her. To use her as a punching bag to get out my MDLL pain and aggressions. To feel big, in control, strong, and powerful.

3. What is the point of yelling at a travel agent? "Computer says no..." (Little Britain reference.) There is no point. I'm having a hard time choosing where to go because:

a. I am feeling insecure and don't seem to trust I'll pick a good, safe, cheap place

b. I've never travelled out of the country alone. The thing is I am DYING to get out of town. I've done enough US travel the past few years. I'd love to just sit on a beach, not understand the locals, and chill.  I'm between Costa Rica, Puerto Rico, or the Bahamas.

c. I really want to go to Hawaii, but that was supposed to be OUR trip. Plus I only want to take a week off and that's not enough time.

d. I also really want to go Tibet, but again too far for a week's trip.

e. I'd like to pretend the money is no object, but it is. My budget is $1K, which is plenty if I can get a good deal.

f. I guess the alone thing also bothers me because I am single again. Farts.

So why the fuck do I want to go??




d. Sit on a beach and do fucking NOTHING or possibly visit a rainforest, learn to surf, and do a zipline.

e. Juniper asked me if being alone would make me feel worse because my only companion would be my thoughts. If you haven't noticed, I LOVE MY THOUGHTS. If I could get paid to think about ME ME ME, I would. So no, I really don't mind being alone as long as I'm in a safe area.

Isn't this a horrible problem to have? "Oh nooooooo...I can't figure out where to take a nice vacation after I broke up with my boyfriend. Woe is meeeeeee.."

4. I have no desire to run a marathon. Ever. Luckily "running away" doesn't actually require running.

Tuesday, April 17

I'm back!

I was waiting on line at Chop't and the guy in front of me was TOTALLY my type - over six feet tall, at least 250 pounds, dark hair, pale skin with a Donovan vibe (the guy that started Thighs!). I noticed he was wearing a watch so I asked him what time it was to check if he had a ring on. He did. Poop.

I don't know for sure if the breakup crazy train has left the station yet. All I can say is I feel GREAT today. I'm not angry or sad at MDLL, just thoughtful and accepting. I guess all the positivity and wellness from the weekend has sunk in!

Dear truly single men of NYC over the age of 34 who are an attractive looking missing link,

I'm back, bitches!


Monday, April 16

Good evening!

I am actually feeling pretty good! Maybe this break from drinking is working...

My plan is to keep busy, so I was going to see Morgan Spurlock's comic-con documentary tonight.  I ended up working late, enjoying some Mr. Softee, and chilling out at home instead.  I didn't cry once!

Yaaaaayy!!  One day at a time, right?

Free Fallin'

Weirdest thing yesterday.

I'm standing at the corner of 5th Ave somewhere in the 80s waiting for the light to change. A group of women were behind me. I crossed as soon as the traffic light turned red, heard a commotion and turned around. One of the women was laying on the ground, apparently having tripped off of the curb. Her friends helped her up, so I kept walking.

Fast forward two hours later, I'm exiting the 57th and 7th station. As I'm walking up the stairs I hear another commotion, a woman slightly scream, and see a man's head looking down. In my mind the man and woman bumped into each other, causing all of her paperwork to fall onto the sidewalk and fly away in the breeze. (Why anyone would be carrying paperwork is beyond me.) When I got to the top of the stairs, the woman was on the ground! She fell too!

It was so random. I was extra careful of my footing for the rest of the day.

Posing for Oprah

Yesterday I went for a walk/jog in Central Park, to an ayurvedic lecture at the Yoga Journal Conference, popped by the bar to see the crew for a bit (no drinking!), and went to a restorative yoga session at night. I'm practicing toddler therapy - I tire myself out all day, so that I crash as soon as I get home. It's working...I guess?

The minute I'm alone I cry, so I don't know if all of this positive bullshit is helping or not. I feel like a poser. I find self-abuse and destruction more appealing when I'm in a funk. I'd much rather drink myself into oblivion, eat my weight in cheese and crackers, and take up cutting rather than pretend I'm in the mood for this hippie dippie mumbo jumbo. Maybe pretending I'm at peace will bring me some sooner. In the words of the great Tyra Banks, "Fake it 'til you make it." I'll fake happy until I have the hap-hap-happiest life since Bing Crosby tap-danced with Danny fucking Kaye.

What was that, Oprah? What would I say to MDLL right now if I had the chance? I'm glad you asked. I would say..

MDLL, thank you for bringing love into my life. I wasn't sure I could love or be loved after all of these years and because of you I now know I can. I was angry last week because I felt like you took my chance at having a family away from me. I realize now you didn't. In fact, you gave me the gift of wanting one. I thank you for this, too.

All that being said, I fucking hate you. HATE. I hope you get food poisoning and live. I'm tempted to send you the link to my blog so you can read how your dickcunt inaction fucked my shit up. You'll probably hate me too once you know how much I've shared on here...and how many people I slept with! Oops! (Sidenote - gyno said the cooter is cootie free.)

So there. Is that the response you were looking for, Ms. my va-jay-jay is hurtin'? Yes. Good.


Saturday, April 14

Perfect day, meh night.

Today was perfect.

I woke up at 9am and headed into the city soon after to buy a bathing suit.  I actually found one I liked! It's a little Ruth Clare, but it fits me nice.

I walked home across the Queensboro bridge scream-singing Someone Like You and Dog Days Are Over.  Someone Like You is getting the shit played out of it this week.  Apparently I like to kick myself when I'm down.  (It's Adele's grammy winning breakup song).  I must say it felt good to sing so loudly.  Sometimes you just gotta belt one out.

The bathing suit was needed for my first ever trip to a day spa.  I went to one for a massage once, but never for the sauna or pampering.  I needed it after this fuckball week.  

Breen and I met up in Flushing for a delicious Chinese lunch at Nan Xiang Dumpling House.  Michelin rated!  We then hopped into a cab and headed over to Spa Castle.

For $45 you get all-day access to their many pools and saunas.  Massages, facials, scrubs, treatments, food, and drinks are extra.  As soon as you enter the locker room, you must remove your shoes and put on   a t-shirt and pair of shorts provided by the spa.  You're given a wristwatch band that acts as your lockerkey and credit card.  It's pretty sweet that you don't need to carry anything the whole day!

Our first stop was a 10 minute chair massage to loosen us up.  We then headed up to the roof and pool-hopped for a while, jumping from hot ones, jet ones, and massage ones.  We grabbed a little snack and a drink (I had one daiquiri!) before heading to the saunas.  The temperatures ranged from 100 - 181 degrees!  I couldn't handle them for long, so we'd go from pool to sauna just to dry off.

Next up...naked swimming!  That's right, we went to the women's locker room where there were a few pools for skinny dipping only.  We stripped down, giggled while we checked each other out, and then hung with the other naked ladies in the woman's bathhouse.  I was a little nervous at first because I'm a chunker, but after a few seconds I didn't give a fuck.  There were so many different sized women that all of my insecurities went away.  I felt so free.

After nudie time we went for a 30 minute foot massage.  Sooooo nice.  Afterwards we took one more skinny dip, showered, and headed home.  On the way we stopped at Tortilleria Nixtamal, one of my favorite places to eat.  Best shrimp tacos EVER.  I even challenge the West Coast on this one.

Again, today was perfect.

Now that I'm home by myself, I feel a bit meh.  I'm trying to not think about MDLL, but it's hard.  I guess I should just let it rip, so that I can get over him sooner.  UGH.

Fortunately I am pretty beat from my day of relaxation, so I'll probably go to bed soon.  Tomorrow's plans - run in the park, Ayurvedic lecture, restorative yoga with massage in the evening.  This is a pretty great Me weekend.  I need it.

Friday, April 13

Pathetic is...

Googling this.

I'm between 5 and 7 right now.

I was waiting for Jesus to show up in one of those panels.

Mania over.

I had a massive panic attack a few hours ago.  Thanks to Bakes, some deep breaths, and a good cry in my boss's office (she's never here), I feel much better.

Panic attacks are bittersweet.  They are horrible. This is it, this is when I lose all sense of reality, my brain folds into itself and the world will go black.

The sweet part is an epiphany usually follows.  I've been able to reach my Aha! moments without hitting bottom for a while now, but this time I lost my balance.

It was baby-sitting.  I had a glimpse into my future with MDLL and I liked it.  I really did.  I never thought I'd want a family until I met him, so knowing this isn't going to happen threw me for a loop. For a fruitloop, really.  Right now I can't imagine wanting a family with anyone else.  I guess I'll just have to wait and see.

Take that!

I unfriended him.  Ha! Take that, asshole.

I know I am being ridiculous today.  Rem and I went for a walk earlier.  I took off my shoe and beat a moving truck with it. 



This was a horrible week to get my period.

Poor next guy

You know what I just realized???  The last two guys I super, DUPER liked were Banana and MDLL.

Banana lied about not being in a serious relationship.  They are now married with a kid.

MDLL omitted the fact he was still legally married.

I feel really bad for the next guy I date.  "Hi, I'm Thighs. Can you prove to me you are single? Can you sign this legal document stating you are in fact, not dating anyone seriously and are not actively married and/or separated?"



In nicer news...

Last night I baby-sat Tron's lovely daughters, Macie and Sydney.  They are adorable, smart, and affectionate little ladies.  The Tron fam are vacationing in NYC this week, so after work I took them to the playground in Central Park, then we went back to the hotel and watched Enchanted before mom and dad came home.

A few things:

The sister dynamic is so foreign to me.  Growing up I had a few girlfriends with sisters and it seemed to be horribly competitive.  Shite, I grew up feeling Rippie was the better kid and he's a boy. 

Watching young sisters, it amazed me how Sydney (age 4) was determined to do everything Macie (age 7) did.  She climbed up on the monkey bars, shaking in fear, and refused to let me help her.  It was nice to see this side of sisterhood, where the oldest empowers the youngest to do things.  Maybe this is the same with all siblings, but I haven't seen it yet because my NYC friends' second children are still babies.  Also, they are all boys and, as sexist as this sounds, I feel like boys will always help each other. Girls, I don't know.  Girls can be mean, especially to their sisters.  I hope Macie and Sydney keep their loving and respectful relationship forever.

Get this.  NYC singles are douchebags!!  In the three blocks we walked to the park, we were cutoff, run over, and given dirty looks by all the childless (I assume) twenty and thirty somethings we passed.  I have never felt more shunned in this city in my life!  I have a whole new perspective on what having kids is like here.  I myself have rolled my eyes when I see some poor helpless mother pushing a stroller with two kids on either side, thinking "You're an idiot. Live in the suburbs." but now I get it.  Parents have every right to live here, too!!  Their kids will probably be cooler for it!

Even walking by bar windows I felt almost, I don't know, less than maybe?  Like I was missing out on the fun, even though I was having a blast with the girls and had no desire to drink with the boring suits in the bar.  It was an odd this what parenthood is like?  Loving your kids, but missing your freedom?  I WAS ONLY WITH THEM FOR THREE HOURS!

I was nervous about taking the kids out in the city.  What the hell do I know? Macie said, "We can't walk yet, there's a red hand."  Note to self, don't jaywalk with children.  Another note, don't offer something unless you know they can have it.  A horse drawn carriage went by and I said, "Oh maybe we can do that!" without thinking.  It was $60. We didn't do it. Luckily Macie's a cool kid and didn't mind.

Tron, your girls rule.  I had a lot of fun with them.

Self, we'd be a good mom.  I think one is enough, though. Lauren Marie McGee, I really hope we get to meet one day soon.

My mom's NOT an asshole.

For all the shitty shit my mom did in the past, she's come a long way.  I spoke to her this morning about MDLL.  She wrote me such a nice email that I had to share it:

Sometimes you have to stop and realize just how fortunate you’ve been – especially when you are feeling down and out:

You always wanted to live in the city;

You have many friends (old and new);

Your health has improved immensely from last year;

You are going to yoga, you run;

You took a chance with a new job (one that has supported you through your tough time last year) – one that’s rewarded you financially twice so far;

You had a loving relationship with someone – something you couldn’t imagine having previously;

You’ve actually considered marriage and motherhood –something you wouldn’t have chosen for yourself previously;

You gave all you possibly could – but you had to “lovingly” let go so MDLL could grow as a person/man;

You now know how a parent feels – when they have to “let go” and pray their child “does the right thing” and doesn’t get hurt;

You’ve realized you can’t make a decision or finalize a divorce for MDLL – that he has to grow and make that commitment forhimself (and it has nothing to do with you);

It’s not easy realizing you have no control over this;

And yes, you will feel strong enough to get back out there and see what fate has in store for you! 

Maybe not today…but definitely soon…

You are loved by your parents, brother and friends. And you are loved by MDLL as only he can at this time in his life.  But it’s not something you should lower your expectations to as much as he has to step up and go forward with his life, and fully participate in your relationship – without any strings attached.

Love you and are very proud of you – you will be stronger after all this!!

I'm an asshole.

I am fucking miserable. MISERABLE. The minute I decided to not drink and face the pain of this breakup, I began to feel everything. I'm trying to tough it out, but it's not easy. This fucking blows.
If I drink I will call him and make this harder. It will also further delay the mourning period. Maybe I should smoke pot instead.
MDLL joked the other night he should keep me drunk, so that I want to see him. He'd be better off doing so because when I'm sober I fucking hate him. FUCKING HATE HIM.
Why the fuck did he do this?? Why couldn't he just man up and break it off a year ago and admit he's not ready for a serious relationship??
HAHAHAHAHAHA! I just realized he DID say this, but he didn't act like it. Well, except for not getting divorced.
FUUUUUUUUUCK. I'm such an asshole.

Thursday, April 12

Giving thanks...

I am grateful I finally experienced love...even if it is a soul-eating, nauseating mindfuck.

Wednesday, April 11

15 Things You Should Give Up To Be Happy

I love this article.  Thanks Juniper!

Here is a list of 15 things which, if you give up on them, will make your life a lot easier and much, much happier. We hold on to so many things that cause us a great deal of pain, stress and suffering – and instead of letting them all go, instead of allowing ourselves to be stress free and happy – we cling on to them. Not anymore. Starting today we will give up on all those things that no longer serve us, and we will embrace change. Ready? Here we go:

1. Give up your need to always be right.There are so many of us who can’t stand the idea of being wrong – wanting to always be right – even at the risk of ending great relationships or causing a great deal of stress and pain, for us and for others. It’s just not worth it. Whenever you feel the ‘urgent’ need to jump into a fight over who is right and who is wrong, ask yourself this question: “Would I rather be right, or would I rather be kind?” Wayne Dyer. What difference will that make? Is your ego really that big?

2. Give up your need for control. Be willing to give up your need to always control everything that happens to you and around you – situations, events, people, etc. Whether they are loved ones, coworkers, or just strangers you meet on the street – just allow them to be. Allow everything and everyone to be just as they are and you will see how much better will that make you feel.
“By letting it go it all gets done. The world is won by those who let it go. But when you try and try. The world is beyond winning.” Lao Tzu
3. Give up on blame. Give up on your need to blame others for what you have or don’t have, for what you feel or don’t feel. Stop giving your powers away and start taking responsibility for your life.
4. Give up your self-defeating self-talk. Oh my. How many people are hurting themselves because of their negative, polluted and repetitive self-defeating mindset? Don’t believe everything that your mind is telling you – especially if it’s negative and self-defeating. You are better than that.
“The mind is a superb instrument if used rightly. Used wrongly, however, it becomes very destructive.” Eckhart Tolle
5. Give up your limiting beliefs about what you can or cannot do, about what is possible or impossible. From now on, you are no longer going to allow your limiting beliefs to keep you stuck in the wrong place. Spread your wings and fly!
“A belief is not an idea held by the mind, it is an idea that holds the mind” Elly Roselle
6. Give up complaining. Give up your constant need to complain about those many, many, maaany things – people, situations, events that make you unhappy, sad and depressed. Nobody can make you unhappy, no situation can make you sad or miserable unless you allow it to. It’s not the situation that triggers those feelings in you, but how you choose to look at it. Never underestimate the power of positive thinking.
7. Give up the luxury of criticism. Give up your need to criticize things, events or people that are different than you. We are all different, yet we are all the same. We all want to be happy, we all want to love and be loved and we all want to be understood. We all want something, and something is wished by us all.
8. Give up your need to impress others. Stop trying so hard to be something that you’re not just to make others like you. It doesn’t work this way. The moment you stop trying so hard to be something that you’re not, the moment you take of all your masks, the moment you accept and embrace the real you, you will find people will be drawn to you, effortlessly.
9. Give up your resistance to change. Change is good. Change will help you move from A to B. Change will help you make improvements in your life and also the lives of those around you. Follow your bliss, embrace change – don’t resist it.
“Follow your bliss and the universe will open doors for you where there were only walls” 
Joseph Campbell
10. Give up labels. Stop labeling those things, people or events that you don’t understand as being weird or different and try opening your mind, little by little. Minds only work when open. “The highest form of ignorance is when you reject something you don’t know anything about.” Wayne Dyer
11. Give up on your fears. Fear is just an illusion, it doesn’t exist – you created it. It’s all in your mind. Correct the inside and the outside will fall into place.
“The only thing we have to fear, is fear itself.”
 Franklin D. Roosevelt
12. Give up your excuses. Send them packing and tell them they’re fired. You no longer need them. A lot of times we limit ourselves because of the many excuses we use. Instead of growing and working on improving ourselves and our lives, we get stuck, lying to ourselves, using all kind of excuses – excuses that 99.9% of the time are not even real.
13. Give up the past. I know, I know. It’s hard. Especially when the past looks so much better than the present and the future looks so frightening, but you have to take into consideration the fact that the present moment is all you have and all you will ever have. The past you are now longing for – the past that you are now dreaming about – was ignored by you when it was present. Stop deluding yourself. Be present in everything you do and enjoy life. After all life is a journey not a destination. Have a clear vision for the future, prepare yourself, but always be present in the now.
14. Give up attachment. This is a concept that, for most of us is so hard to grasp and I have to tell you that it was for me too, (it still is) but it’s not something impossible. You get better and better at with time and practice. The moment you detach yourself from all things, (and that doesn’t mean you give up your love for them – because love and attachment have nothing to do with one another,  attachment comes from a place of fear, while love… well, real love is pure, kind, and self less, where there is love there can’t be fear, and because of that, attachment and love cannot coexist) you become so peaceful, so tolerant, so kind, and so serene. You will get to a place where you will be able to understand all things without even trying. A state beyond words.
15. Give up living your life to other people’s expectations. Way too many people are living a life that is not theirs to live. They live their lives according to what others think is best for them, they live their lives according to what their parents think is best for them, to what their friends, their enemies and their teachers, their government and the media think is best for them. They ignore their inner voice, that inner calling. They are so busy with pleasing everybody, with living up to other people’s expectations, that they lose control over their lives. They forget what makes them happy, what they want, what they need….and eventually they forget about themselves.  You have one life – this one right now – you must live it, own it, and especially don’t let other people’s opinions distract you from your path.

Fuck Jury Duty Part 2

Yay! I don't have to serve, nor was I thrown in jail!

After six hours of waiting around, the remaining 11 of us were finally called to sit in the jury box for questioning.  When it was my turn the judge said, "Thighs McGee. Where were you born?"  I replied with, "Do I have to give personal information in front of the defendant?" The whole courtroom stared at me.  The judge said, "Not at all. I'll ask you afterwards in private."


When the judge was done with his questioning, the district attorney asked us as a group, "Will everyone here give this man a fair trial and be able to convict him if proven guilty?"

I thought about it.  The lawyers had nothing to go on, except for the plaintiff's and defendant's word. I know this because all day they spoke of mistaken identity and the lack of tangible evidence.  It was a he said/he said trial.  

It's interesting the judge made all of us sit in the courtroom to listen to the jury selection process.  When I actually had my eyes open, they burned into the back of the defendant's big bald head.  I wondered what kind of man is mistaken for an armed robber.  Was he at the wrong place at the wrong time?  Does he have a familiar looking face and build?  Was the victim inebriated or out for revenge?  Did this man actually do it?

As I wrote in my last post, the only other time I had jury duty the whole experience was disturbing.  The charges, the pictures, the creeps in the courtroom.  The ironic thing is I had a somewhat easy experience before the trial.  I don't remember feeling like cattle or wasting my entire day trying to stay awake.  I must have been picked in the first round or something.  Anyways, I guess I never admitted to myself how much that first case bothered me.  It took going back to the courthouse for me to remember.  It made me angry (as if you couldn't tell from Part 1).

The idea I could possibly send an innocent man to jail or a guilty man home angered and scared me.  The fact jurors don't seem to have any rights or protection infuriated me.  The way every other juror bent over and accepted this treatment ticked me off.  And worst of all, I already felt like the defendant was guilty just by being there.  Mistaken identity my ass. 

That's when it hit me.  I can't do it, I don't want to do it, so I won't do it.

I said, "No, I already decided this man is guilty, so I do not believe I will give him a fair trial nor am I comfortable having the fate of someone's life in my hands."  Everyone stared at me again.  The prosecutor thanked me for my honesty and both lawyers ignored me for the rest of interviews.  The judge didn't even bother getting my information.

When it was over one of the guards led us out and said we don't have to come back.  I almost hugged him.  I went from being LIVID to being elated.  Manic!

This will be my answer every time I'm selected for a criminal case.  I judged the defendant without knowing him or the evidence.  This was wrong of me. The good news is my quick judgement will not affect his future.  Yes, if he is guilty I could have helped put him away, but there's no guarantee the d.a. had enough evidence.

No thanks, bub.

Fuck Jury Duty Part 1

This morning I didn’t mind going to jury duty despite having to sit on a disturbing Law and Order type case a few years ago.   Now jury duty can go fuck itself.

I don’t recall any of this when I had it last time:

1.  You’re treated like ignorant cattle in the Central Jury waiting room. The court employees yell at you to “MOVE DOWN.” “SINGLE FILE.” “NO PHONES.” like you’re deaf, dumb, and mentally challenged.  Granted there are many different languages spoken in Queens, but THE LOUDER YOU SPEAK DOESN’T MEAN PEOPLE WILL UNDERSTAND YOU BETTER.

2.  After sitting in one room for two hours, fifty of us were picked to go to the courtroom.  We all had to sit and listen to the judge and two lawyers ask half of us questions in the jury box.  Why the fuck we all had to be in there was beyond me.  A miserably boring waste of our time.

3.  The WORST part is the judge asked each potential juror personal questions IN FRONT OF THE DEFENDANT. I can understand the lawyers want to know our demographics for a diverse group of jurors, but whose idea was it to let the alleged criminal hear these things??  Are you fucking retarded?  Actual questions:
   a. Where were you born?
   b. Where do you live? Private home or apartment?  Rent or own? How long?
   c. What do you do for a living?
   d. Are you married? If so, what does your spouse do?
  e. Do you have children that work?  If so, what do they do?

4.  On that note, why the FUCK do jurors have to be out in the open? What about our safety? Why can’t we sit behind a one-way mirror or something? To this day I swear we were abruptly let out of my last case because our lives were in danger. That was a murder, drug, and hostage situation.  And they allowed the defendant’s thug friends in the courtroom!  I swear they were studying us.  Scary shit!!  The only thing that made me feel better was my hair was red at the time, so I wouldn’t be easily recognizable once I went back to blonde.

5.  I probably shouldn’t say this because I technically work for lawyers now, but they are all sleazy douchebags.  While I love Matlock and understand innocent people are convicted of crimes, defense attorneys can rot in hell.  This one actually made the analogy that if someone lies you stole their pen, the plantiff can lie the defendant didn't rob them at knife point in the subway.  How do these fuckers look themselves in the mirror?  I'm sorry, I know it should be "innocent before proven guilty", but I don't know if I can always believe it.  That's why I'm not a lawyer.

I called my mom to let her know she may need to bail me out when it's my turn to speak. I am going to give these fuckers a piece of my mind. So this is part 1 of today's jury duty experience.  Hopefully part 2 isn't written after a night in jail.

Pleasure vs. Pain

I feel worse about MDLL now than I did when we officially broke up.  We agreed to not contact each other at all until he files.  Yes, that's the way it should have been the last three weeks, but it wasn't.  Neither of us really want to be broken up, so all it takes is for me to ask and we're back together.

I've gone through a zillion different thoughts and emotions about it.  Do I love him, do I not love him, is he the one, am I the one, will he still want to be with me once his divorce is final, will his divorce ever be final, do I want to be with someone who is a thinker and not a doer, what do I value most in a relationship, what happens if he dies tomorrow and we're wasting time being apart...I can keep going.  I probably will in a future post.

My decision to stop drinking is not only to prevent me from contacting MDLL, but also to make me feel the pain of being without him.  Bacon wrote yesterday she's confused as to why I work so hard at getting healthy, bettering myself, and being kind to people, yet haven't tried to make these breakups constructive.  I realize now it's pain avoidance.

The pain of being sick makes me want to be healthy.

The pain of feeling depressed makes me fight to find the happiness within.

The pain I experience when I see hate, disrespect, and ignorance makes me want to be loving, kind, educated, and open-minded.

The problem with MDLL is I haven't truly felt pain when we are together.  It's only when we're apart that I want to shoot myself.  While he has hurt and disappointed me, the pleasure of loving him and enjoying the good times outweighs the pain of the bad.

How do I retrain myself to believe this breakup is pleasurable?  Or if not pleasurable, at least favorable and beneficial to our relationship in the long term?  Logically I know it is; he needs to get divorced so we can stop fucking dealing with it and move on.  My heart isn't there yet though...and it hurts.

Tuesday, April 10

Fart Love

Monday, April 9

Bad habits, too.

Now that I am no longer struggling with my health, I'm picking up my old bad habits again. I am binge eating and drinking. Not good.

Last year I feared eating the wrong thing, getting sick, and losing my life. I used that fear to get answers and to get healthy. I didn't lose weight and quit drinking because I was disciplined - I was terrified.

Both the fear and the motivation to stay healthy is gone. This weekend I blew it out like I was in my 20s again. I drank like a fish almost every night: Thursday night I was drunk after six vodka/sodas, Friday night I was wasted from at least four shots of jaeger and nine ciders, Saturday I was "good" with only two vodka drinks, and yesterday I got hammered from pretty strong bloody marys, vodka/sodas, and more shots of jaeger. Oh yes, friends who brunched with me yesterday...I went out after we left Hugs' place.

Where did I go? To find MDLL. I went to his apartment, the Crazy Ass, and another bar down the street. I was so shitfaced I don't remember too much, but I ended up staying over his place. I did this once in college with PJ, hunted him down in a drunken stupor until I gave up and went home. That's exactly how I feel right now, like a binge drinking broken-hearted confused 21 year old. I need to grow the fuck up.

The only way I can ensure I won't hang out with MDLL again is to stop drinking.

The only way I will keep healthy is if I find a new motivator. Fear is a powerful one, but I know now it's temporary. Who wants to live in fear for the rest of their lives? I certainly don't. I've decided the next best motivator is love. I love myself, I love my life, I love my family and friends. All signs are pointing to something good down the road. A new and positive lifepath is forming and I want to be healthy enough to enjoy the journey down it.

Tuesday, April 3

New habits for my brainhole

I'm missing MDLL a lot today. This SUUUUUCKS.

To take my mind off of him and feel more in control of my life, I decided to create some new habits.

1. Hang my coat and throw my shoes in the closet as soon as I walk in

2. Wash my dishes before I go to bed

3. Bring my breakfast and lunch at least three days a week. No joke, I've been spending almost $20 a day on food.

4. Juniper inspired me to cook chicken last night for dinner and now I'm eating some for lunch. I never tried organic chicken before. My word it is delicious! Three meaty breasts (heh) of Heartland Home Foods brand was about $10. It is pricey, but the freshness and taste is worth it.

5. Nighttime regime - floss, eye cream, face and decolletage cream.

6. Chakra blast every morning. It's like a Care Bear Stare for each one. I don't know if it's a thing to do or not, but I made it up this morning and felt fantastic.

7. Exercise at least four days a week. I gained some weight back now that I'm not afraid of food anymore. I'm now 168. I don't really care about the scale as long as I feel good. If MDLL and I end up getting back together I want to look awesome for Hawaii!

8. Stop buying Groupons. This Groupho needs to slow her roll for a bit. I have a ton to take me through September, so there's no need to stock up again. I doubt I'll get to use my Krav Maga classes since they are always full. Oops. If you happen to notice one that I will absolutely love, please forward!!

9. Learn about investments. There are very few things in life that make me nervous to do myself and making investment decisions is one of them. My main priority right now is to have a three month emergency fund should I get laid off. I also want to consolidate the little I have in 401Ks from previous jobs to one 401K, then open a separate Roth IRA.

I think that's it. Must keep brainhole busy!

Monday, April 2


Today's IM with Bella:

( o ) ( o )

( O ) ( O ) - silver dollar

( ^ ) ( ^ ) - cold

(  o) (o ) - cross eyed torso

(o ) ( o) - bad plastic surgery

( * ) ( * ) - pasties

( # ) ( # ) - nipple bandaids for runners and/or women with permaheadlights

< o > < o > - alien

{o} {o} - wrinkly old lady

o  o - men and/or flat-chested women

(  )  (  ) - Barbie

Happy Monday!

I am so glad last week is over. I had a mini-bout with depression this weekend. I know I was depressed because there were plenty of good things to be happy about yet I was still blue. All I wanted to do was hide under the covers. I had to force some fun...

Friday night I stayed in and watched Game of Thrones. It's a fantastic show. I never considered myself a prude (I don't think anyone has), but holy hell do these characters fuck a lot. Enough to make me blush! It reminds me of a medieval True Blood because of all the sex and death, although GoT is by far a better scripted, directed, and acted show. The last two episodes blew me away.

Saturday morning I caught up on New Girl. Such a funny show. I'm indifferent about Zooey Deschanel at this point. Like Zach Galifianakis and Michael Cera, she plays the same character over and over. At least they know their strengths. The supporting cast is the best. I consistently laugh out loud over her roommates' shenanigans, especially Nick's. I was dying at the end of last week's episode.

Saturday afternoon I had an eye doctor appointment. I wanted to murderdeathkill everyone. Nothing bad happened, I was just angry, cranky, and sad. I hated the world.  I begrudingly went to yoga with Juniper around 5pm. I've gone to this class once before and I really enjoy it, I just wasn't in the mood. Afterwards she cooked me a lovely dinner while we chatted it up. I had a great time hanging out, but once I got home I was miserable again. To snap out of it, I finally got around to watching The Misfits. It's a UK show about a raunchy fucked up group of teen thugs who randomly get superpowers. The first episode ruled, can't wait to watch the rest.

I hadn't slept well all week and Saturday was no different. I went to bed around midnight, woke up at 2am for a while, then woke up at 7am and couldn't go back to sleep. I got up and went food shopping, then headed to the city for brunch with Juniper and my Company girlfriends. I love our brunches; I wish we did them more often!! I snapped out of my mood for a bit, then the lazy shut-in feeling came and I wanted to go to bed. Unfortunately I signed up for another yoga class, so I begrudingly went to this one too.

WELL, I am so glad I did!!! It was a Chakra yoga class that focuses on opening one chakra per week. I was hoping for the heart chakra (for obvious reasons) and we did!  In therapy, Cee taught me how to focus on my emotions by looking within.  I used this practice during yoga meditation by finding the sadness and honing in on it. I finally figured out what made me depressed all weekend...I felt like everything was out of my control.

Last year I did everything I possibly could to find answers and get healthy. Last week was the first time in a while I had stressors not in my control.  On top of MDLL sadness, I was hit with bad allergies, the job scare, and crappy weather.  All of these things are out of my hands.

Maybe it's fear of the unknown.  Maybe I'm controlling. It's uncomfortable for me to admit the latter. It sounds so negative. Truthfully I can't imagine not being somewhat controlling when you're single.  How would anything get done otherwise?

Once I recognized the sadness and let it go, I felt better instantly. The cloud lifted and life was bright. In fact, I feel so much better now that it was hard for me to write about NOT feeling good over the weekend. It's like it never happened.

Happy Monday folks! I hope we all have a healthy and positive week ahead.