Hate and Run

The text I want to write to MDLL: I hate you I hate you I hate you.   I also want to beat the crap out of an ex-friend, yell at a travel agent to book my relaxing vacation to either the Caribbean or Mexico which is ironically stressing me out, and run a marathon.

I haven't been this angry, upset, or what's the word for wanting to run away and escape...escapey, in a very long time. It's amazing how familar this feeling is, though. I used to always feel like this! I never thought emotions and thoughts can be like old friends, but here we are...

1. What is the point of telling MDLL I hate him? To hurt him. To contact him. To know he's alive. (For some reason I keep thinking he's dead.)

2. What is the point of punching the ex-friend? To hurt her. To use her as a punching bag to get out my MDLL pain and aggressions. To feel big, in control, strong, and powerful.

3. What is the point of yelling at a travel agent? "Computer says no..." (Little Britain reference.) There is no point. I'm having a hard time choosing where to go because:

a. I am feeling insecure and don't seem to trust I'll pick a good, safe, cheap place

b. I've never travelled out of the country alone. The thing is I am DYING to get out of town. I've done enough US travel the past few years. I'd love to just sit on a beach, not understand the locals, and chill.  I'm between Costa Rica, Puerto Rico, or the Bahamas.

c. I really want to go to Hawaii, but that was supposed to be OUR trip. Plus I only want to take a week off and that's not enough time.

d. I also really want to go Tibet, but again too far for a week's trip.

e. I'd like to pretend the money is no object, but it is. My budget is $1K, which is plenty if I can get a good deal.

f. I guess the alone thing also bothers me because I am single again. Farts.

So why the fuck do I want to go??

a. GET OUT OF ASTORIA

b. GET OUT OF NEW YORK

c. GET OUT OF THE STATES

d. Sit on a beach and do fucking NOTHING or possibly visit a rainforest, learn to surf, and do a zipline.

e. Juniper asked me if being alone would make me feel worse because my only companion would be my thoughts. If you haven't noticed, I LOVE MY THOUGHTS. If I could get paid to think about ME ME ME, I would. So no, I really don't mind being alone as long as I'm in a safe area.

Isn't this a horrible problem to have? "Oh nooooooo...I can't figure out where to take a nice vacation after I broke up with my boyfriend. Woe is meeeeeee.."

4. I have no desire to run a marathon. Ever. Luckily "running away" doesn't actually require running.