Monday, April 9

Bad habits, too.

Now that I am no longer struggling with my health, I'm picking up my old bad habits again. I am binge eating and drinking. Not good.

Last year I feared eating the wrong thing, getting sick, and losing my life. I used that fear to get answers and to get healthy. I didn't lose weight and quit drinking because I was disciplined - I was terrified.

Both the fear and the motivation to stay healthy is gone. This weekend I blew it out like I was in my 20s again. I drank like a fish almost every night: Thursday night I was drunk after six vodka/sodas, Friday night I was wasted from at least four shots of jaeger and nine ciders, Saturday I was "good" with only two vodka drinks, and yesterday I got hammered from pretty strong bloody marys, vodka/sodas, and more shots of jaeger. Oh yes, friends who brunched with me yesterday...I went out after we left Hugs' place.

Where did I go? To find MDLL. I went to his apartment, the Crazy Ass, and another bar down the street. I was so shitfaced I don't remember too much, but I ended up staying over his place. I did this once in college with PJ, hunted him down in a drunken stupor until I gave up and went home. That's exactly how I feel right now, like a binge drinking broken-hearted confused 21 year old. I need to grow the fuck up.

The only way I can ensure I won't hang out with MDLL again is to stop drinking.

The only way I will keep healthy is if I find a new motivator. Fear is a powerful one, but I know now it's temporary. Who wants to live in fear for the rest of their lives? I certainly don't. I've decided the next best motivator is love. I love myself, I love my life, I love my family and friends. All signs are pointing to something good down the road. A new and positive lifepath is forming and I want to be healthy enough to enjoy the journey down it.

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