Monday, May 31

Clam Bake

clam·bake   [klam-beyk]

1. a group of women

2. Informal. a female sausagefest/sausage party

I did not come up with this. I REALLY wish I did!!

I did, however, decide those guy/girl bridal showers should now be called Surf and Turfs rather than Jack and Jills.

F-U-N, FUN! Part 2


May 28th - Drinks with Rockstar, Xtina, and Bakes. I was hitting it off with some guy (TWO CRAPS!), but it turns out he is engaged. He was polite about it by giving me the We-bomb early on, but what the fuck? Why don't guys have to wear engagement rings!?!?! It's false advertising!! When I get engaged, I'm going to brand "TAKEN" on my fiance's forehead. Hopefully that will keep floosies like me away...

After the guy told me he was getting hitched I wanted to move onto his single friends, but Mr. J showed up. I was happy to see him of course, it's just that I had an Austin Powers/Fembot moment. I didn't know where to look or who to flirt with. It was peni-overload, so Mr. J and I went to another bar. I really do enjoy spending time with him, I'm just not ready to make any decisions yet.

May 29th - Notice something missing from these days? RUNNING. I am a total slacker. I ran Saturday morning, but it was shitty. Only 12 days left to get my ass in gear!

A couple hours later Juniper and I headed over to Citi Field for a tour of the stadium. If you are a Mets fan, GO!! GO NOW! Ten bucks gets you into all of the clubs, the press box, the field, the dugout, the locker room, everywhere. It is so fun!!! Check out my pics!

There's also a new bar in the stadium too, with a very nice, pretty cute bartender who has a girlfriend (THREE CRAPS!). The place is ginormous and reasonably priced for the most part. There's a 20% post-tour discount, too!

Later that night Mick and I met up at a new bar in the hood. I love this place. Great beers on tap, peanut shells on the floor, classic rock in the jukebox. What more could I ask for?? I'd totally give it a shout out by name, but my intuition is telling me not to. Why? I don't know...probably because the owner was hitting on me before Mick got there and I sort of liked it (INFINITY CRAPS!).

So. Mick. We are friends with benefits. I'm obviously a bit boy crazy lately (always?), so I know I'm not ready for a commitment with him or anyone else right now. This bothers me because I really do want love and to settle down soon, it's just that I'm not sure if I met my blurple balloon yet. I have this feeling he's going to appear soon though, so I want to keep my options open for as long as possible. Or at least until one of the eighty guys I talked to this past week turns into him.

May 30th - BBQ at Eronica's. It was a blast! They put out an amazing spread. Holy balls, this is what I ate yesterday: at least a pound of hummus and Sun Chips, chicken sausage, regular sausage, a cheeseburger, grilled chicken, two homemade beef and potato empanadas, quinoa with avocado, grilled veggies, rice and beans, pork shoulder, brisket, and a slice of carrot cake. HOLY. BALLS. I was completely sober even though I drank six beers and a shot of coffee flavored Patron.

The party was so much fun that the seven hours I was there flew by. The day ended with a great fireworks show in a nearby park. Yeah summer!

Today! - I SHOT A GUN. Juniper and I headed out to the Poconos with some friends this morning for a day at the shooting range. I was soooo nervous all week. I kept thinking it's killing practice. That's it. There's absolutely no other reason to learn how to use a gun except to kill something. This idea frightened me, but I felt like it's something I'd rather know how to do rather not do. Like drive stick. (Can someone teach me how to drive stick?)

I'm so glad I went!! The place was safe, controlled, and organized. And LOUD. SO LOUD. I now understand why silencers exist. Whoa...creepy.

I shot a 9mm, .38 revolver, a .22 (I think), AK-47, shotgun, and sniper rifle. I'm a good shot! Thank you Area 51! The shotgun was the coolest for me, although sitting looking through a scope on the sniper rifle was pretty badass. Again, killing practice. Who am I!?!?!?

I got home three hours ago after enjoying some post-shootin' ribs and ice cream. I must say it was a great fucking weekend and an even greater couple of weeks. I love my friends, I love boys, I love being able to try new things and have a social life. I love living in NYC, I love my home, I love having the means to fuck around and have a good time. Yes, those means are gone again due to some poor spending/planning on my part but seriously, I am no longer complaining about being "broke". I am finally starting to appreciate what I have and enjoy my life and constant shenanigans. That's my nickname for a reason!

To top all this f-u-n off, I'm only working three days this week because I have a summer Friday. How cool is that!?!? The fun never ends!!

Saturday, May 29

F-U-N, FUN! Part 1

PHEW! Today wraps up a week and a half of non-stop fun. I went on a bit of a tear lately, which of course means I am now broke for the next two weeks AGAIN. Whatever. It was worth it. I need to focus on the 10K anyways, so this is a good time to be a hermit.

What the hell is that smell?? It's like Raid and charcoal. Gross. I guess I'll do a rundown...

May 19th - Yankees game. It's official, I do not like Yankee Stadium. It's too sterile. I'm going to another game in August and I'm pretty sure it will be the last time I pay for a game (I'll never give up free baseball tickets!). Citi Field is so much better.

May 21st - I had a very crappy day at work, but it ended on a high note. My boss Nun frequents the Minnow bar almost every night, so I told him he should buy me a beer. He did (two, in fact) and we had a nice time shooting the shit. (Ha! I don't think I've ever used that phrase before.) He had to leave and catch his train before I finished my beer and on the way out he told the bartender he'll pay for whatever else I drink. As a joke I had them run up a fake bill with $200 worth of Jameson and Guinness. Nun laughed his ass off when I gave it to him. It was nice to have a fun moment with a work peep. I've been taking it too seriously lately.

After I left the bar I ran into yet another old flame. That is four in three months!! WTF?? Either this city's getting smaller or I really do hit on anyone with a pulse...

I met Mr. J last Easter. He's the one who didn't call for a couple of weeks so I wrote him off. I walked past him in Times Square and did a double take. I didn't recognize him at first, so I slowly walked up to and said "Mr. J?" He beamed. It was quite flattering. We talked for a good 20 minutes or so. He said he was disappointed we didn't stay in touch and that he still thinks of me from time to time. We decided to try again to see what happens. He seems very interested in hanging out, calls or texts me every other day. I'm not sure what I think yet. Physically and personality-wise he is totally my type. I guess only time will tell about the rest.

A funny side-note, my screen name for dating websites is some variation of Harley Quinn, the Joker's girlfriend. My tagline for a while used to be "Looking for my Mr. J." It's kind of cute I could possibly have found him. Or not...

because then (this is still just one night!) I hung out with Mick again. More on this later.

May 22nd - Beer tasting/food pairing party with a lovely group of Rolo's friends. I wanted to bring something seasonal, so I chose Dogfish Head ApriHops, an American IPA brewed with apricots. The interweb recommended pairing it with Mexican, salad, barbecue, or seafood, so in the interest of keeping the meal light and healthy I made guacamole and a walnut pear salad. Did you catch that?? I MADE something!! I absolutely positively love guacamole and I must say it came out fantastic. The salad was delicious as well. I picked it because one of the ingredients for the dressing was apricot nectar. The pairing was perfect!

Two things I learned while preparing the food: one, I now know what cilantro is and two, that I do not own a peeler but I do own six bottle openers.

The night was capped off with the a trip to one of the diviest bars in the neighborhood. It reminded me of a Knights of Columbus. Total crap. My only beef with the place was that the beers were oddly expensive and only available in bottles. No taps, no cans. There should have been cans.

May 23rd - I headed into the city to check out my friend's friend's show, James Adamo Acoustic Band. They were great!! The bassist was really cute (CRAP. I DO hit on everyone!) so we talked for a while. He lives in Syracuse though, so I left without giving him my number. I'm lazy.

Next up was Deluxx Fluxx, an art installation of retrofitted arcade games with cool graphic images on screen and off.

Arcade images:

On screen image:

There was also a black light room covered in posters and a psychedelic foosball table. Flashback city.

May 24th - Dinner and drinks with the lovely Spags, Bakes, and Socks.

May 25th - Drinks with Tron and other work peeps. I asked IT for a job. I want to get out of publishing, but if they offered me something I'd take it. For now.

May 26th - Comic Strip Live with Juniper. Very funny, check out John Roy. Question - why do all comedy clubs have two drink minimums?

May 27th - A drink with Nas. He and his roommate were watching the Mets game at a nearby bar, so I joined them for a bit. He is totally sweet, but I don't have the hots for him. Oh well...

I'm splitting this into two posts because I have to pee, this shit is getting long, and this past weekend deserves its own!!

Monday, May 24

Why? ( wants to add Thighs to his or her buddy list:

Hiya, I am new here, and I do not know if my English is ok yet. I'm looking for new people to talk to. Maybe we should chat, or go for a coffee. I still have some hard times with this site sometimes, so if you could, come chat with me on this other site I go to,

Why the hell would someone do this? I do not know this person. Hey the mid-90s called, it wants chatting with strangers back.

I changed the girl/possibly he-she's email name, but the "vd57" is real. I can't help but think this means she/he-she has fifty-seven venereal diseases. Frequenting another site called "Love-Duo" doesn't help...

Wednesday, May 19

Fun at Work

My friend CJ emailed me this the other day as a joke:

"We have a book called Dermadoctor Skinstruction. I thought you should know."

From there we spent the next twenty minutes emailing each other fake, similar sounding titles. Here are mine:

Podiatripod’s MetalcaparAlmanac

Dentista’s Maniteetho

Pediaman’s Kiddieology

AnatheSir’s Sleepilogue

Necrofellow’s Dieary

Prostheticer’s Limbolism

Gastronurse’s Farticle

Urologuy’s Dicktionary

Gynogirl’s Vulvacabular

Monday, May 17

About that 10K...

Paint me redder and slap me silly, I've run about six times the past couple of weeks in order to prepare for the 10K in June.

Gmaps Pedometer says I ran around 2.3 miles and walked an additional 3 tonight. I love this website.

I was feeling pretty good until my right butt cheek started hurting. Coach Bacon said it was the hills. Screw you hills! And while I'm at it, screw humidity too! It's hard for me to run when it's hot out. My chest gets tight and my skin gets all blotchy and purple. Fucking mutant.

Dear Mother Nature,

Please make the weather 40 degrees and clear on the morning of June 12, 2010 for my 10K race. I'm not a heat person and will have a difficult time running if it's hot out. Forty is cool for June, but it's not a stretch as NYC weather is already pretty manic. That's not a complaint - it suits my own mania.

I don't recall asking you for too many favors, except maybe to not give me lady-time during sex-with-a-new-partner-time. Unless it's someone I don't like, then they deserve the wounded clam.

The only other favor I might need is if I get married and want an outdoor wedding. Then again if I'm screwing guys I don't like I probably won't cash this one in.

Race, clam, wedding.


Sunday, May 16


I haven't tried too hard to date since Tat. I miss having a boyfriend. I miss Tat too, but I know we are better friends. He already has another girlfriend anyways, the punk.

Thursday night I met Nas, a Mets, Jets, and comic book fan that just so happens to be visiting all of the baseball parks in the country. Perfect! The problem? He's only 24. That's YOUNG. Like pedophile young. He probably hasn't had his first hangover yet.

I knew he was younger when I started chatting him up, just not that young. I wasn't hitting on him or anything (really). We were both at the bar by ourselves and he was the closest person to me. I don't frequently drink on my lonesome but I do enjoy it on occasion. I planned on only having one celebratory drink for finishing my resume and of course, five hours later I was still at the bar. Nas was good company.

It was funny how the age difference came up. Nas said he's from a town near New Brunswick, so I said I went to Rutgers. He gave me "I'm going to be slick and then do math" eyes and asked, "When did you graduate?" I laughed and said ten years ago. His response (after the math), "Oh."

Oh is right. Naturally I asked him the same and he said he graduated two years ago. Now it's not confirmed that he's only 24, but I'm sure he would have said something if he was older considering it was pretty clear why we asked.

I was uncomfortable with the age difference. It stopped me from kissing him good night, but I did give him my number and accepted his friend request. (It's so gay that I just wrote that.) My mind was racing with silly premature nonsense: there's no future, does he have money to go out, does he party hard during the week, what would his friends say, what would my friends say, what would my parents say, blah, blah, blah. I finally snapped out of it yesterday, realizing I was making a big deal over nothing. It would be nice to see him again. In fact, maybe his adorable youthfulness will help lighten me up. I take things way too seriously lately. And aren't we both in our sexual primes???? Snootch.

There's another guy sitch as well. I hooked up with my friend Mick last night. I kept saying I don't like him, but I do. It took a while to admit this to myself because there are things about him I can't stand. He annoys the crap out of me with his negativity, racial slurs, and femenism. Not feminism, femenism. I made up a word because of him. "Femen" (rhymes with semen) are guys who act like whiny and dramatic teenage girls. Mick can be quite the femen at times. Why do I like him then? I feel good when I see him. I like when he laughs at my jokes. I love his roommate.

The thing is I don't know if I want to attempt to date him. I'm pretty sure I'd be rejected. Yes, we did just hook up but I know he's not looking for a girlfriend. I'm also feeling insecure physically. He's a smaller guy, much smaller than what I prefer. I know that shouldn't matter, but it does. I like guys who are 6'+ and 200+ because they make me feel petite and feminine. Mick's maybe my height and a buck fifty. I assume he'd prefer to date someone he can carry, but just because I'm hung up on that doesn't mean he is. Projecting insecurities and dating don't mix.

I'm also a little gunshy after Tat. While I miss having a boyfriend, I'm nervous to try and get one again. I don't want to get dumped or have to break up with someone. This probably won't be an issue with Nas, but it will be with Mick. Maybe I should just put myself out there and get it over with.

See? I told you I need to lighten up!!

Monday, May 10

Mommers Day

My mom's birthday is May 7th so every year we do a joint birthday/Mother's Day celebration. This usually consists of lunch, a movie, an argument, and me crying on the way home. Not this year though...

I am so happy to share that I had a GREAT time with my mom on Saturday. CAPS LOCK GREAT!

My dad dropped her off here in the morning on his way to visit his mom in upstate NY. Actually I think she's only 20 miles west of the city, but I consider anything outside of NYC "upstate." (Where the hell is Westchester??)

We had a big breakfast at a local diner, then headed into the city to see Babies at the Landmark Theater. It's a documentary about the first year in the life of four babies from California, Mongolia, Japan, and Namibia. It is amazing to see how differently each is raised, yet how similar they are in disposition and development. My mom and I both loved it.

From there we walked around a bit, did some shopping, got ice cream, then came back to Astoria for some evening drinking.

My parents aren't big drinkers. I've seen them drunk more now in recent years and even then it's only like three times total for my mom. WELL. After two 007s (orange vodka, orange juice, and 7Up), some funnies:

1. I admitted that it's hard for me to buy her Mother's Day cards because they always say, "Mother, you are the fire that lights my candle." or "Mom, You are my best friend. I miss making cookies and hugging." She laughed and said she had the same problem with buying cards for her mom. I told her I made up some in my head:

"Thanks for teaching me how to curse like a truckdriving sailor."

"Menopause doesn't erase the past, just your memories of it."

"I'm glad you got knocked up with me."

"I showed my love by pulling my punches."

"I'm sorry I stole your weed and replaced it with oregano."

"I know Rip's your favorite. I'm dealing."

2. She sang "clowns to the left of me, jokers to the right" while pointing at the annoying pubcrawlers on either side of her.

3. Repeated quote - "Are you sure there's really vodka in here?"

4. Another quote - "Man I should have made you start drinking when you were 8. We would have gotten along so well!"

5. She held onto me as we walked to get food because "she didn't want to be like one of those old Bay Ridge drunks stumbling down the sidewalk in broad daylight."

6. My mom never shuts up. (Shocking.) We were watching TV - she on the couch, me on the floor - when I realized she was quiet. Too quiet. I looked up to see her focusing on eating her chinese food with such intent that I thought she was going to inhale it through her forehead.

While some of the above may sound bad, it's classic Thighs family nonsense. We laughed a ton, had some nice fluffy chats, and enjoyed each other's company. My mom really is a cool, smart, caring, and funny woman. Sometimes it's hard to see past the past, but at least now I know it can be done. All it takes is some babies and some alcohol.

I love you, Mom. "Thanks for passing on the crazy."

I'm burnt

I keep trying to turn the lights on by flipping switches that never existed.

Today I went to flip my living room lights on from the wrong wall. Last week I tried to flip a switch by my microwave. This is bothersome considering my kitchen doesn't even have a light switch. There's a ceiling light with a dangling Guinness lanyard to turn it on and off instead.

I've lived here for six years. Man, I'm burnt.

Friday, May 7

I can't believe it's not...

Does anyone else's white bras look like you're lactating butter???

Jesus Christ! And I thought the armpits on my white shirts were bad!

A night with Tom Petty makes me sweaty.

It's Friday night. I'm home because I spent a shitload of money the past few weeks and don't have any spending cash until payday.

I never thought I'd say this, but I like budgeting. I fucked myself over with my debt in my twenties, but fortunately I took control of the situation before it got really bad. All things remaining equal (salary, interest rates, payments), I will be out of debt in three years. It's not ideal, but at least there's an end in sight. It could have been a lot worse.

To clarify, I am nowhere near as frugal as a person in debt should be. My monthly "budget" calculation is Gross - Bills - Needs (groceries, prescriptions, house/personal items, and laundry) = FUN MONEY! My fun money spending is then categorized in one of three ways:

Socializing - money spent in the company of others: movies, bars, dinner, bars, sporting events, plays, bars

Shopping - money spent on something I now own (besides the necessities) or lottery tickets. Yes, Ruth Clare has me playing the fucking lottery now.

Other - money spent on anything else which is usually food and coffee during work hours. I don't eat out everyday, but it sure adds up in Midtown.

I can't believe I'm going to admit this, but since April 15th (my budget always starts with that paycheck) I have spent $968.21 on fun. The previous week I spent $775.05 going to and hanging out in California. Holy moly.

So really, if you ever hear me complain I'm broke, please tell me to go fuck myself. I am not broke by any means, I just have disposable income that I'm really fucking good at disposing.

Case in point, I bought a six-pack tonight even though I told myself I couldn't spend any cash. I'm drinking Magic Hat Vinyl Spring Seasonal. It's okay. It probably tastes better on tap. Do they always write things on the bottle caps? I rarely buy beer to drink at home, so I never noticed. The title of this post was on the cap of my first beer. The second: "Buy your gal growlers with her flowers."

I like budgets and rhymes. And spending money.

Thursday, May 6

I Love You Period

I wish I was wearing one of those fake pregnant woman bellies. Then the fact that I feel and look like I'm pregnant wouldn't bother me so much. Plus I can take it off.

Bethany Beer Gut is no longer a beer gut. I don't know what the hell she is now, but if she gets any bigger my innie belly button will be an outie soon.

My eating, drinking, and exercising habits haven't changed much so I guess it's due to Lady Time. I went off the pill back in July and didn't feel any negative reactions until recently. Besides the humongut, I now have a zit for the first time in thirteen years and get faint during PMS. Joy.

The only plus side of being off the pill is that I do feel calmer. The whole reason I went off of it is because I had a sneaky suspicion it was contributing to my crazy. I think I was right because I feel pretty darn stable now. Well, stable for me anyways.

The great debate of late with my girlfriends is which is better: being a fat, pimply, sane, condom-Nazi or a clear skinned, less bloated freakfest that gets the bareback once in a while?

Logically, if I look gross no one's going to want to bang me and we can't have that. If I look good I'll get some, but then the nuttiness will kick in and I'll drive whoever banged me away...

Better logic, why don't I just work out and buy some Proactiv then all I'll be is a condom-Nazi, which isn't a bad thing.

It could break though...and then what? Oh fuck. I take back what I wrote about wearing a pregnant belly...I don't want to jinx myself!!

Sunday, May 2

CSPAN Reggae

I didn't think I would get any channels without a cable box, but it turns out I still get NY1 (yay Pat!), 2, 4, 5, 7, 9, 11 (including new episodes of ANTM, crap!), 13, TBS, Food Network, and CSPAN.

As I flipped past CSPAN yesterday I noticed something was wrong (or very right!) with the sound. I grabbed my camera and took this video...

Turn up the volume and pass the ganja.