Sunday, May 16


I haven't tried too hard to date since Tat. I miss having a boyfriend. I miss Tat too, but I know we are better friends. He already has another girlfriend anyways, the punk.

Thursday night I met Nas, a Mets, Jets, and comic book fan that just so happens to be visiting all of the baseball parks in the country. Perfect! The problem? He's only 24. That's YOUNG. Like pedophile young. He probably hasn't had his first hangover yet.

I knew he was younger when I started chatting him up, just not that young. I wasn't hitting on him or anything (really). We were both at the bar by ourselves and he was the closest person to me. I don't frequently drink on my lonesome but I do enjoy it on occasion. I planned on only having one celebratory drink for finishing my resume and of course, five hours later I was still at the bar. Nas was good company.

It was funny how the age difference came up. Nas said he's from a town near New Brunswick, so I said I went to Rutgers. He gave me "I'm going to be slick and then do math" eyes and asked, "When did you graduate?" I laughed and said ten years ago. His response (after the math), "Oh."

Oh is right. Naturally I asked him the same and he said he graduated two years ago. Now it's not confirmed that he's only 24, but I'm sure he would have said something if he was older considering it was pretty clear why we asked.

I was uncomfortable with the age difference. It stopped me from kissing him good night, but I did give him my number and accepted his friend request. (It's so gay that I just wrote that.) My mind was racing with silly premature nonsense: there's no future, does he have money to go out, does he party hard during the week, what would his friends say, what would my friends say, what would my parents say, blah, blah, blah. I finally snapped out of it yesterday, realizing I was making a big deal over nothing. It would be nice to see him again. In fact, maybe his adorable youthfulness will help lighten me up. I take things way too seriously lately. And aren't we both in our sexual primes???? Snootch.

There's another guy sitch as well. I hooked up with my friend Mick last night. I kept saying I don't like him, but I do. It took a while to admit this to myself because there are things about him I can't stand. He annoys the crap out of me with his negativity, racial slurs, and femenism. Not feminism, femenism. I made up a word because of him. "Femen" (rhymes with semen) are guys who act like whiny and dramatic teenage girls. Mick can be quite the femen at times. Why do I like him then? I feel good when I see him. I like when he laughs at my jokes. I love his roommate.

The thing is I don't know if I want to attempt to date him. I'm pretty sure I'd be rejected. Yes, we did just hook up but I know he's not looking for a girlfriend. I'm also feeling insecure physically. He's a smaller guy, much smaller than what I prefer. I know that shouldn't matter, but it does. I like guys who are 6'+ and 200+ because they make me feel petite and feminine. Mick's maybe my height and a buck fifty. I assume he'd prefer to date someone he can carry, but just because I'm hung up on that doesn't mean he is. Projecting insecurities and dating don't mix.

I'm also a little gunshy after Tat. While I miss having a boyfriend, I'm nervous to try and get one again. I don't want to get dumped or have to break up with someone. This probably won't be an issue with Nas, but it will be with Mick. Maybe I should just put myself out there and get it over with.

See? I told you I need to lighten up!!

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