Wednesday, December 30

2015, yo!

I'm so excited to be writing right now. Maybe I said this in my last post over a year ago? Probably not because last year was a mindfuck. Thankfully 2015 was a good year. Was it odd years that are good and even years that are bad? Whatever. This was a good odd year.

The rundown:

1. Last September I hurt my back pretty bad. I wasn't able to sleep or sit or stand or do anything. I would never, ever, EVER wish back pain on anyone. It totally fucked me up physically, emotionally, mentally, everything-ally. After chiropractor visits, physical therapy, and a steroid shot to the sacro-iliac, I finally felt better in January. It occasionally hurts if I lift something too heavy or sit for too long, but it is nothing like it was last year.

Thank you 2015 for being back pain free!

2. The same time my back went out, my brain went out, too. I was emotionally destroyed with panic attacks, depression, anxiety, the works. Lamictal did not work for me at all. I came off of it, stayed on Risperdal, went back on Zoloft, and started taking Klonopin last November. This regimen seems to be really working for me. I probably only had three rageful outbursts and four or five depressive episodes, which is pretty good for me. The manic episodes are a bit more often, but I kind of like being manic, so I'm okay with this. 

What does being manic mean?  Basically that I want to do everything and anything I can at THIS VERY MOMENT. The sense of urgency is urgently urgent. The best way to describe it is the exact moment you're about to sprint, when your whole body leans forward and your heart leaps and you are focused on running, except you don't actually go anywhere. I had this feeling a couple of days ago and MY WORD it is hard to pull back. I wanted to run and run as fast possible. I'll take this feeling over depression any day.

3. With all this figurative running, I decided to join a gym and start literally running again. I've gone a few times. It's been okay. I don't feel fantastic after leaving the gym like others do. In a weird way, I feel like I just got punished. You'd think working out would increase my endorphins, but it doesn't seem to, maybe because I'm on so many meds. It actually makes me feel sad. Weird, right? 

4. GET THIS. I quit drinking. My psychiatrist (I have to check if I have a nickname for him) told me not to drink on Klonopin and I actually listened. I had half a glass of sangria and two glasses of wine in the past 15 months. I'm pretty proud of myself!

This was a HUGE adjustment for MD and I. If you've read Thighs from the beginning of our relationship, you know that I was a drunk stalker. All we did was get bombed and bang, then I wouldn't hear from him, I'd cry and track him down, we'd end up dating, he wouldn't finalize his divorce, we'd break up, I'd cry and track him down, we'd get bombed, repeat. When he got divorced and we stopped breaking up, we still got bombed and banged. Our relationship was based on a shared interest in partying. Once I stopped drinking, we didn't really have much in common. I'm laughing right now because it just occurred to me we still don't have much in common, but thankfully we made it through my sobriety. Or I'm making it through his drunkenness? He's actually cut back a lot, but there are times when I want to slap him sober. I'm laughing again. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

5. In case you're wondering, I'm at work. There's no one here. Seriously, out of the 27 people in my department, I'm the only one. I took off last week and everyone else took off this week. I didn't really need to come into the office today, but I'll probably work from home tomorrow so I thought I should come in. I really like my boss Tank and I thought he'd appreciate me being here.

Did you read that?? I LIKE MY BOSS. Whaaaa??  I've been here (again need to check if I have a nickname for this place) for two and a half years. I might actually make it three years somewhere!! It's a good job, I'm paid well, I have great benefits, I like my coworkers, I like what I do. I still have my problems with authority and mismanagement and spinning my wheels on projects, but it seems a bit easier to deal with. Yay mental meds!!

6. Life in general just seems easier this year. I went on a few trips, saw a lot of friends, plays, movies. I love living with MD even when he's annoying me. My family's doing great, in fact they'll be in Queens tonight to drop Rippie off for his flight back to LA in the morning. I've read 43 books, which I probably haven't done since high school. The Mets were in the World Series, but unfortunately lost. Star Wars Episode VII was amazing. My psychiatrist told me it's okay to talk to spirits and visualize group meditations on other realms. (Don't ask. Maybe I'll talk about it one day.) I did some puzzles. I cleaned out some closets. I saved over $10K and paid off $25K debt. I only have $1800 in credit card debt now. I mentioned joining the gym. I donated to a few charities and bought a bunch of Christmas gifts for kids in need. My aunt had cancerous cells, but they successfully removed them from her lungs and she's okay now. I stopped getting into internet comment wars with people who I will never agree with and who will never agree with me. I decided I'm voting for Bernie Sanders even though I don't think he'll win the primaries. What else...

I think that's it! 2015 was a great year. It makes me so happy to say it and mean it. I'm usually so negative, but I feel good. Happy New Year, yo!