Friday, June 22


I miss MDLL. 

I hate when we're more than a mile apart!

I want to call and text him every five minutes.

I want to be with him in Pittsburgh. (No I don't.)

I hate this! GAH!

At least I'll be in Vegas soon.  DOUBLE GAH!

I texted him once today.  Well twice, but it was a two part thought.  WAAAAHHHH...

He went for himself. He went for me. He went for us. 


Heat Dreams

I need to buy a new air conditioner.  Mine is okay and it definitely made a difference compared to my non-A/C rooms, but I didn't sleep well.  I dozed off around 12:30am, woke up 3am, half-slept until 4am, gave up and watched Total Recall on TBS (SCORE!), fell back to sleep at some point, woke up for a few minutes around 6am and talked to myself, slept again then finally got out of bed around 8am.

Besides Total Recall, the only other fun thing about last night were my dreams. Take it away, nutjob!

Jarv, Rocks, Bakes, and I were in a huge block-long apartment with lots of different rooms that I believe we shared.  (I'm pretty sure I dreamt of this place before.)  We were partying and discussing what Broadway shows to see.  I tried to tell Rocks that Jarv and I were going to Jesus Christ Superstar (which we are), but I couldn't get the words out. "Jejus Juperchrist. Super Christ.  Jesus Christ Superstar!!!"  

Dream change - The apartment became just Jarv's place which she shared with a gay man and a stocky, hairy, straight guy.  The straight guy flirted with me and I believe he wanted to spoon.  We may have all been on acid or drunk; I remember it was almost sunrise and we were all really fucked up.  While I was with the guy, the other girls were in Jarv's room playing dress up.  Jarv came out with a humongous guidette bouffant and five pounds of makeup.  I said, "I want to dress up too!" and followed her.  The place had railroad style rooms on both sides of the apartment with a twisty hallway between them and a few secret passages.  I vividly remember a little songbird flying around the apartment.  It made me happy.

Dream change - The boy roommates disappeared and the new tenants were Jarv's coworkers from her production company (she does not work at one in real life).  I believe they were putting on a play of some sort.  I remember we had to climb a ladder that was coming out of the ceiling, which brought us to a whole bunch of cubicles.  Some of her coworkers were semi-bitchy girls and sketchy guys. 

Dream change - The girls aren't in the dream anymore. The coworkers become my coworkers as I take the new job at the production company.  They are putting on some sort of show called "Deandra Deandra" with this chunky little girl in a purple dance outfit.  I believe she either sang really well or had magical powers.  For some reason there were also models nearby and I had to work with their hairstylist and makeup artists.  There was some kind of style competition ala the reality show Shear Genius, but I don't recall doing anything except watching and standing in the wrong place.  I decided to leave and exit out a different ladder back to the office, this one more Escher-esque.  I was above the cubicles with a skirt on and all of the guys gave me the "Hey yo!" and thumbs up because they could see my undies.  I pulled down my skirt to cover my thighs which were MUCH bigger than real life (I hope).

Dream change - This is where it gets weird. (!!) Most things are different.  I don't think I was the lead in my own dream anymore, although it was a blonde.  I guess we'll just call her Jamie. (I don't know why, it feels right.)  Jamie walks into the apartment building and there's a big security gate inside with two guards sitting at a desk.  You need your housekeys to get passed the gate.  She unlocked it and went into the elevator, but then the scene is still playing without her, like if I'm watching a movie.  This guy who kind of looks like Busta Rhymes circa today is at the gate trying to get in.  One of the security guards goofily walks over and says he can't let him in.  Busta says, "No problem, let me give you a quarter."  The security guard is super happy about this, opens the gate to get the quarter, and accidentally drops the keys.  Busta grabs the keys which opens certain apartments and runs off.  Jamie, who again I don't think was here for all of this, appears and says, "Oh no!  My apartment #4141!" and runs upstairs.  She enters the big apartment from the earlier scenes and starts moving all of this furniture in front of the doors so Busta can't rob her.  He gets in anyways and she runs down to one of the secret passages Jarv had showed her.  Jamie opens this weird air-compression sealed door (if that's even a thing) and climbs inside this round chamber.  She calls her mom, which is my mom, and tells her she's okay.  Then she realizes what she climbed into was a big dryer and she will most likely die from the heat. Somehow she manages to get out.

Dream change - Now the dream becomes this Gossip Girl murder mystery type thing.  All of the production company coworkers and Busta are in on this big master plan to kill people.  I'm not really sure why or what happened, but it became this "don't trust anyone because they are all in cahoots" plot. Jamie kept running around the building, stuff I can't remember happened, and then there was a shoot out in this big room with the coworkers, my real life coworker Klam, and JOHN LITHGOW.  The room was huge and white with little mini-golf type floor decorations.  The only one I clearly remember was a fake swamp that was actually a real swamp with a big turtle covered in moss.

Anyhoo Jamie managed to kill Busta, there was blood everywhere, then some friends she could trust helped her hide the body inside a mattress.  It's not clear if they chopped him up.  Some other people died, but then the bullets turned into rubber and bounced off everyone.  Klam and Lithgow were yelling about something, some more stuff happened, and then I woke up.

The end.

Thursday, June 21

Anxious Hot Love

MDLL flies to Pittsburgh tonight.  I fly to Vegas on Monday.  We both get back on Friday.  After almost two years (UNREAL), we are closing one chapter and opening another.

I've been pretty anxious all week.  Sunday night I had some tummy issues, a panic attack, and hot flashes.  I barely slept.  I then seemed to have some sort of allergic reaction to the heat on Tuesday and Wednesday.  Hot flashes again, then my throat closed up and my skin got beat red as soon as I walked outside at lunch.  It's annoying, but seems manageable today.  I'm pounding Gatorade and water, walking at a zombie-like pace, and staying out of the sun as much as possible.  I feel a bit nauseous, but it's probably all of the liquids!

Like always, it's a combination of things with me - I'm anxious about MDLL, sensitive to the heat, PMSing, and nerv-cited for Vegas.  Let's break this shit down:

I'm doing all I can to beat the heat, save ditching work and going swimming.  It will be interesting to see how I react to the Vegas climate; I wonder if the humidity is the problem and not the temperature.

Vegas will be a blast!!  I'm more excited than nervous.  I have no idea what to expect!  At least now I'll be more careful about staying hydrated and cool.  As for the work conference, I'm a bit nervous about selling Biz.  I know I'm a natural schmoozer, but I'm a bit insecure about some of the business processes.  Hopefully Iron and Miron will always be in earshot to help me if I get stumped.

PMS?  Boring.  Been there done that.

MDLL. Okay, I just cheesily smiled when I wrote his name.  I'm really excited for us.  I'm happy and proud of him.  I hope once the papers are signed he immediately feels lighter.  I know I will!

I've written about this before, wondering what our relationship will be like without the elephant in the room.  I believe it will be amazing as always.  He's become my best friend, my love, my rock, my everything. I am in awe of how much we love each other.  I cannot believe it finally happened nor can I believe I spent most of my life pining and whining over guys who didn't deserve me or didn't love me back.  When it's right, it's right.  It wasn't easy to deal with his separation and pending divorce at times, but it brought us closer together and made our relationship stronger. 

I used to think love should be easy, but this idea is too vague for me now.  Life is full of challenges, obstacles, stress, etc....of course it will be hard. I've reworded this idea for myself to LOVING should be easy.  Loving MDLL has always been easy, even through our rough spots.  We love each other for who we are, faults and all. Sure sometimes I want to punch and murder him, but at the end of the day when I simmer down, I love him more than anything.  Easy peasy.

Friday, June 15

So many activities!

I love being active!  Yay!  Recent activities:

Fencing.  No joke!  Jarv has wanted to try it for a while now, so when a deal came in I decided to join her.  I had no idea it would be such a fun and intense workout.  The advancing, retreating, lunging, engaging.  Lots of ing-ing in that sport.  While I loved the sweat factor, I really enjoyed the focus on poise, control, and patience.  Obviously, I don't have any of those traits, so I'd like to go back for more training. The price for unlimited classes is more than a monthly gym membership though, so I'm hoping to find some place cheaper.

Walking.  The fencing academy is up on 104th Street and Broadway, which is a bit of a hike from Queens.  Luckily the nice weather encouraged me to walk the 3.5 miles up there from work a few times.  Jarv and I walked there and back this past Monday.  I've also walked home from work a couple of times too.  I don't mind the rain as long as we get beautiful days like today!

Jogging.  I ran the women's Mini-10K again!!  YAY! I absolutely love that race.  So much energy and grrrl-power.  I felt surprisingly good the whole time and jogged most of it at about a 12 minute pace.  I walked mile 4, so that cost me a few minutes, but it's not like I was racing-racing.  I just wanted to finish!  Here's my time:

I decided to also run the Giants 5K (we run on the field!) and the Color Run with Juniper this summer. I'm very excited to do both!  Check out the Color Run:

Sculpting.  Last time I ran the 10K I got hammered and woke up on my bathroom floor with no pants on.  THIS time I scheduled a sculpting class (yes another Groupon) right after the race to prevent myself from being a drunk.  It worked!  Check out my stone carving creation:

Yogaing. I love yoga. I've been going to The Giving Tree Yoga Studio with Juniper for a couple of months now and really enjoy it there. 

Swimming. Florida totally got me back into swimming. Tomorrow MDLL and I are heading down to Seaside for some beaching, then we are GOING TO MY PARENTS HOUSE.  Wha-wha-whaaaa??

We aren't technically back together, as in I haven't said "You are my boyfriend again." but basically we are hanging out and talking everyday like we did before the break-up. I didn't tell anyone until recently because I needed some time to be with him in peace.  We are both very excited to get over the divorce hump and see where the future takes us. Hmmm...I guess loving is an activity too!

Still to come: kickboxing, some more archery, bike riding, and I asked my brother to get me some samurai sword training DVDs so I can keep that up.


Thursday, June 14

Guilt is humbling.

I haven't felt guilty in a while.  This could mean I didn't feel bad for a recent negative thought or action or it could mean I haven't done anything wrong.  I like to believe it is the latter...

Today I felt like absolute shit.  There were three women who ragged on me all last summer, Voldemort being the worst.  I sucked it up with a smile on my face and eventually created a respectful rapport with them, especially a woman I'll call Doldemort.

Doldemort and my boss used to be best friends, then had a HUGE falling out a couple of years ago. This led Doldie to despise anyone Biz related, myself included. Again, she finally came around and I ended up really liking her.

Two weeks ago Doldie told me she was let go.  The kicker - her last day isn't until the end of the year.  I don't know what's worse, not working or working with people who want you out.  She asked me to keep it to myself, even though all of her coworkers know.

Well last week at dinner Iron brought up how Doldie is out.  I said Doldie told me and explained how I felt really bad for her, but couldn't tell if this was a good scenario or not.  It's good financially, however I can't imagine it's good for her psyche.

Fast forward to this morning, my coworker Ackbar went to Doldie's office to give her his sympathies saying Thighs told me what happened.  I had no idea until Doldie wrote me an email saying how angry she is I blabbed.

I know it wasn't the worst thing I did in my life, but it hit me hard.  I apologized in person and twice in email.  I cried in the bathroom, cried on a walk, cried to Spags while she tried to calm me down.  I even thought about going to MDLL's office so he can console me, but thankfully I decided against it.  He has yet to see my hysterical. (Oh yes, we are back together. More on this later. Ironically, he asked me to go for a walk at lunch so I still got to see him!)

I made a mistake. I was wrong. I betrayed Doldie's trust.  I gossiped without intentionally doing so.  The tears and guilt did not fit the crime, but they struck a chord.  It was a familiar, uncomfortable feeling, almost like an old enemy I forgot existed.  It's interesting how one small event can bring up old wounds, even if all I remember is the pain associated with the gash and not the specific gash itself.

I think this experience was well-timed.  I don't know how or why, but I believe it will prevent me from betraying someone else's trust, someone much closer to me than a work acquaintance.

Thanks Shizza. Duly noted.

Monday, June 4


MDLL is going to Pittsburgh the last week of June to process his divorce!! Yay! I'm very excited and happy to move forward, yet I know it's stressing me out on some level. I can't wait to see what our relationship is like without this hanging over our heads!!

Ironically, I decided to PLAN MY WEDDING as a distraction. Yes I am crazy, but for some reason I feel this intense urge to research dresses, dates, venues, caterers, florists, everything! I'm also watching Say Yes to the Dress and Bridezilla marathons on Netflix streaming in order to get ideas on what to wear and on how NOT to act. My thoughts so far...

1. Most important - everyone has fun, especially my husband and I. Hopefully it is MDLL!

2. The only traditional things I care about is my dad walking me down the aisle and our father/daughter dance. I am going to make that sucker weep!!

3. I have a big family and a lot of friends. I want ALL of them to come. The average NY wedding costs $27K (!!), so in order to have an affordable one with 200+ people I'd like to throw an open bar, buffet style, come and go as you please, kick-ass fucking dance party at a bar in Manhattan or Astoria, not a formal sit down dinner with scheduled events. That is if the hubs will be okay with this.

4. Since I will be dancing I will be a red sweaty mess pretty early on, so the dress must be light and airy without showing perspiration. Strapless might be out because I don't want to be fidgeting with it all night, although I'm sure with the tailoring it will be fine. I'm not a flashy lady so I could see myself in something simple, but then again, maybe this is the one night I'll actually want to be flashy. TBD.

5. Curly and long for the ceremony, up-do for the reception. Again, always thinking about the sweat factor.

6. Speaking of the ceremony, I'm not religious so I will most definitely ask Laurie Sue Brockway to do the nuptials. Hopefully she'll be available! If she's not, I will get this guy from Spaceballs to do it fast:

7. No bridal party, nor does anyone have to throw me a shower. If I do have one, it will most likely be the same day as the bachelor party. Yes, I wrote "bachelor" considering it will most likely include a dive bar and naked ladies at a strip club.

8. I'm not too worried about flowers, colors, or decor, but I'm sure there will be blurple somewhere.

9. If MDLL and I do get married, I would love to have our after party at Crazy Ass, the bar where we met. Maybe.

10. Rings are in a previous post...

Ummmm, I guess that's it for now. I've never really thought about this girly shit before and I must say I am having a lot of fun with it. YES, I am nuts to think about marrying MDLL before his divorce is final. YES, this is most likely going to blow up in my face. BUT, if I learned anything in recent years it's to listen to my gut. My gut is saying to do this, have fun, be creative, and hope for the best!!

Friday, June 1

My morning (thus far)

6:30am - woke up without an alarm, half-slept, debated what to do

7:00am - jogged/walked 2.25 miles in the neighorhood

7:30am - got coffee, went on my roof to meditate and stretch

8:00am - danced around my living room with imaginary MDLL, talked to myself

8:40am - stripped for shower to get ready for work which usually takes me only 20 minutes

8:42am - saw HUGE roach/waterbug sitting on shower drain, grabbed Raid, sprayed it down proudly using only a little bit instead of my usual half a can, watched the fucker twitch and die, fumbled with dustpan trying to get the corpse up, failed, finally used a bunch of used tissues from my garbage, threw it out while screaming "ewewewewewew", realized while I only sprayed a bit the Raid was in my mouth like when you pass someone with too much perfume on, opened window, ran out of bathroom, scrubbed mouth in kitchen, took a quick Raid/water shower, dried off, went to bedroom still disgusted

8:58am - ironed shirt, dressed, put on makeup, switched purses three times, grabbed yoga gear for later, left, made daily walking-to-train-call to my mother, she complained her computer is broken and her husband who is IT desktop support has yet to fix it, I say probably because he doesn't want to work on a computer at night after 9 hours of doing the same, she rushes off the phone in a huff because she doesn't like to hear when she's being a brat

9:13am - got to subway, asked lady to combine two Metrocards so I didn't have to buy an unlimited one until later, she says one is damaged and gives me form to mail it away for a new one, I say nevermind not worth cost of stamp, she said it's free postage and your money so I should mail it anyways, I mentally roll my eyes, go to Metrocard machine, look for wallet, realize I don't have it, walk home again

9:32am - leave apartment for third time this morning, buy a Gatorade to quench my thirst and remove Raid taste from mouth, get to subway, buy unlimited Metrocard, have revelation on train that I am absolutely positively in love with MDLL and my anxiety from this week about my weight, money, everything is stemming from the fact I can't believe I finally found love and try to accept the fact I deserve to be happy

10:10am - enter work, vent to Rem about my morning, check work and personal email, start this post

11:06am - finish post, worry how my lips still feel numb and I will die from Raid poisoning