Thursday, June 14

Guilt is humbling.

I haven't felt guilty in a while.  This could mean I didn't feel bad for a recent negative thought or action or it could mean I haven't done anything wrong.  I like to believe it is the latter...

Today I felt like absolute shit.  There were three women who ragged on me all last summer, Voldemort being the worst.  I sucked it up with a smile on my face and eventually created a respectful rapport with them, especially a woman I'll call Doldemort.

Doldemort and my boss used to be best friends, then had a HUGE falling out a couple of years ago. This led Doldie to despise anyone Biz related, myself included. Again, she finally came around and I ended up really liking her.

Two weeks ago Doldie told me she was let go.  The kicker - her last day isn't until the end of the year.  I don't know what's worse, not working or working with people who want you out.  She asked me to keep it to myself, even though all of her coworkers know.

Well last week at dinner Iron brought up how Doldie is out.  I said Doldie told me and explained how I felt really bad for her, but couldn't tell if this was a good scenario or not.  It's good financially, however I can't imagine it's good for her psyche.

Fast forward to this morning, my coworker Ackbar went to Doldie's office to give her his sympathies saying Thighs told me what happened.  I had no idea until Doldie wrote me an email saying how angry she is I blabbed.

I know it wasn't the worst thing I did in my life, but it hit me hard.  I apologized in person and twice in email.  I cried in the bathroom, cried on a walk, cried to Spags while she tried to calm me down.  I even thought about going to MDLL's office so he can console me, but thankfully I decided against it.  He has yet to see my hysterical. (Oh yes, we are back together. More on this later. Ironically, he asked me to go for a walk at lunch so I still got to see him!)

I made a mistake. I was wrong. I betrayed Doldie's trust.  I gossiped without intentionally doing so.  The tears and guilt did not fit the crime, but they struck a chord.  It was a familiar, uncomfortable feeling, almost like an old enemy I forgot existed.  It's interesting how one small event can bring up old wounds, even if all I remember is the pain associated with the gash and not the specific gash itself.

I think this experience was well-timed.  I don't know how or why, but I believe it will prevent me from betraying someone else's trust, someone much closer to me than a work acquaintance.

Thanks Shizza. Duly noted.

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