Friday, December 31

Happy New Year!

I spoke to the recruiter who got me the consulting gig. She said I'm nitpicking about the insurance because I'm scared. Noooo...I just want the facts, lady. She can't tell me if I'm going to enjoy this job, if it's going to suck working from home, or if my personal life is going to suffer being on call or traveling to clients. She can't tell me if I'm going to regret taking this position in six months. All she can do is get the damn insurance coverage and costs for me. So do it!

Oy. This is quite a decision. I'm going to forget about it and turn my brain off for the next 24 hours, so that I can enjoy the last day of 2010. To be continued!

Happy New Year, monkeys!

Thursday, December 30

I got the job!

I was offered the consulting gig! WOO HOO!

Now, decisions. Racing thoughts:

It's a 25% increase in salary, plus a 5-10% bonus at year-end.

I still don't know the exact cost of my insurance, the details of the policy, etc.

I'd have to pay for my Metrocard out of pocket instead of through the pre-tax program I'm enrolled in now. That's an extra $104 a month, but if I'm working from home most of the time I might not need an unlimited 30-day pass anymore.

Will I have time for a social life?

Will I have time for a dating life?

OH MY GOD. Giving my two week notice at Minnow on Monday WOULD BE AMAZING.

Where would I go for my first project?

I have to buy nice work clothes. I hate having to buy new clothes when I gained holiday weight because I know I'll lose it in a couple of weeks. Damn.

Am I up for a challenge?

SHIT. This is so awesome. I'm so proud I was offered the gig!! It's nice to know I'm marketable! YAAAYYY ME!!

Wednesday, December 29

Stegosaurus Church

Obviously it's not exact. It would be cooler if it was.

Merry Christmas!

Duh. I jumped right into my year in review post without mentioning Christmas!

Last Wednesday I was sick. I was feeling a lot better by the time Rippie got here Thursday morning. Our tradition for the past four years has been to spend a day in Manhattan before heading to my parents' house. Unfortunately this was a rough year for him so he was really looking forward to going straight to NJ Thursday afternoon. I was not happy about it. He and I have very different views on Jackson. For him, it's home. For me, it's shit. I never liked it there and can't wait for my parents to move back to NY in a couple of years.

I begrudgingly went with him a day early. I'm glad I did. We took the train to New Brunswick to meet my dad, then later on that night we went out to a bar called Surf Taco with a bunch of his home fries. Surprisingly the place had a nice beer selection: Stone, Troegs, Rogue. Even more surprising - I did not eat any tacos. We ended the night with Wawa subs at 2am instead. Wawa is one of the few things I miss about NJ, the other two being Seaside and malls for one stop shopping. Is that really it? Hmmm...yep. I had fun.

The next day I went shopping for presents (totally procrastinated this year), then gorged at the house until it was time for Midnight Mass to hear my dad sing in the choir. It means a lot to him that we go. I wish it meant more to me.

I like this church because it reminds me of a stegosaurus. I don't like it for three reasons. One, religious people scare me. Two, the statue of Jesus hanging up front is disturbing. He looks like he was barbecued too long. Three, I always see people from high school. This was the first year I saw an ex-best friend though. Not "ex" in a bad way, we just grew apart after junior year. She lives with another ex-best friend that I haven't seen in about geez, eight years maybe? I was invited to come hang out at their place that night, but I politely declined. Maybe I'd hang out with them if they came up to the city or something, but I have no interest in hanging out in Jackson. I don't mean it to be snobby, I just don't feel like myself when I go there. NYC is my home now.

On Christmas Day I stayed in pajamas and didn't move from the couch, except to play my dad's drums and eat dinner in the dining room. My parents were uber generous this year. My mom kept saying it's because next year they won't be able to splurge now that she retired. Whatever the reason, it was super nice and unexpected. In fact, the whole weekend was great. I laughed more than I have with them in a while. The stress and drama of my boob surgery the past four months made me forget that my folks are pretty cool and silly. For example, my mom wanted to take a picture of my dad's asscrack, which is funny enough. It was extra funny when she held the camera backwards and only realized it when she tried to focus and ended up zooming the lens into her eye. I laughed for a good ten minutes partly because it was hysterical, but mostly because we're both really smart dumb blondes.

The only hiccup was when my dad and I were watching Love Actually and the DVD shut off. It probably only took five minutes for my dad to fix it, but my impatience kicked in and I almost murdered him. I don't know what happened! All of a sudden the flames rose up in my face, my Irish blood boiled and I almost flipped my shit. I may have learned reactive rage from my mom, but this time it was all me. Luckily I kept my cool (?) by doing lamaze. I don't even think my dad noticed. PHEW. And more importantly, my mom didn't notice either. If she did she would have fed and it would have been ugly. DOUBLE PHEW.

But again it was a great weekend! My dad was nice enough to drive me home early Sunday morning before the snow storm. Man, did we get hit. NY1 said Astoria got 17 inches (heh), but it looks like we got a lot more. I stayed in until I went to the gym Monday afternoon (yay!). I love the city after it snows, especially before a lot of people are out. Then the streets turn into filthy crumb cakes.

What else....the office is empty this week. I get out at 3pm tomorrow and we're closed Friday. Two and a third day work week! Yay!

I'm 98% over MD. We hung out last Sunday and texted a few times last week. I know I'm nearing the end because this is the first time in four months I want to date other guys. Seriously, I have not been interested in anyone else but him. I'm ready now. The lingering 2% is his fault. He made a comment that he might come back from Pittsburgh three days earlier, so that he can come to Crazy Ass on New Year's Eve. Now, he didn't actually say "so we can be together on New Year's Eve" but the seed was planted. As over him as I believe I am (I am, Juniper!), I'm interested to see if he shows. Of course now with flights being fucked he probably can't change his, but whatever. I almost rather he doesn't come back earlier. I don't want to take any of my 2010 baggage into 2011 goddamn it. Plus who knows, maybe I'll end up kissing someone new at midnight.

Someone not new - I saw Donovan at the Company Christmas party a couple of weeks ago. I feel like I have to write about him since he's the reason I started Thighs. I don't really have anything to say about it, except I'm still ridiculously attracted to him. Sweat was pouring out of my head the minute I said hi to him. It was kind of gross actually. Hmmm, it could have been food sweats though. I did eat a ton that day. Whatevs. He's still hot. The end.

Tuesday, December 28

2010 Profile Pic

2010 Awesomeness

I'm three days early, so chances are I'll be writing a couple of 2010 year in review posts this week. To start...

2010 Awesomeness:

1. Finding out I no longer needed an implant, getting it removed, and still looking even. NATURAL, BITCHES!

2. Ran the 10K

3. Continued to track all of my spending habits down to the penny

4. Continued to live within my means! Fuck you, credit!

5. Bacon and I kicked the shit out of Astoria with multiple pub crawls

6. All of our quote book entries on said pub crawls

7. Juniper moved to Astoria making it my Town of Besties

8. Pints of Guinness at Doll's and the amazing friends I get to drink them with

9. Rolo introducing me to Stevie and Hugs (HOW CUTE!)

10. Crazy Ass, my new favorite bar where I met MD and a bunch of other new neighborhood friends

11. Trip to LA and San Diego to visit my brother and the Faces, four people I miss very much

12. Visits with The Bear family and Janey Pants, four more people I miss very much

13. Stone Brewery. Nuff said.

14. All of the new beers I tried this year, including Founders and Rogue's John John Juniper

15. The beer tasting parties

16. Tat, Banana, random guy on St. Patty's Day, Good Will Hunting, Mr. J, Mick, Pool, and MD. Half of these guys made me feel good about myself, the rest not so much. Either way, I am proud to say I was out there trying to find my lobster. Also, I believe this is the first time I can count all of the people I made out with in one year on only two hands.

17. I only had sex with two people this year, too. I'm practically a virgin!

18. Trip to Pittsburgh for my 17th ballpark. And Shartles and Linglestown for hours of entertainment.

19. My Tretorn sneakers. They may be fucking up my knees, but I love them. Here's a small pic of the hightops. I have the low ones:
20. As much as it hurt, I have to say the Donkey Down was pretty epic. I just got this text from Bucket who did not know I partook in such idiocy: "Just noticed your picture in Crazy Ass." Kind of cool in a teenage alcoholic way. Never again.

21. My 9/11 Post or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Stove

22. Holy shit, I can't believe I didn't think of this sooner... TACOQUEST!! I love tacos!

23. Greek yogurt. I had no idea it was so good.

24. Started watching It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia, True Blood, Dexter, and How I Met Your Mother.

25. Finally watched Ken Burns: Baseball. I never did get around to writing a post about it, huh? Oh well. It was amazing. All baseball fans should watch it. I wasn't as impressed with The Tenth Inning though, probably because I lived it and it was depressing with all the steroids and bullshit.

26. Stopped biting my nails and they look so pretty!

27. No more cable!

28. Went to a Giants game for the first time in about 22 years. (When did I get old?)

29. Learned the word "lachrymose" and frequently use it to describe myself. (Thanks Hugs!) –adjective: given to shedding tears readily; tearful.

30. Joined the gym again. I haven't gone regularly yet, but I am going!

31. Gchat IMs with Bacon and Juniper. I wish I saved them because I know a few saved me. Thanks ladies.

32. Pokher night! Finally after 10 years of planning!

33. My Minnow friends. Tron, Breen, Ceej, and Bella are the only reason I haven't shot myself yet. Well, them and the fact I don't want to die.

34. THIGHS! Oh blog, I love you so! I'm very glad I got back into writing again. I missed it.

Okay, I'm going to stop here because I'm thinking about it now. All of the above came out organically. TWSS.

For the past couple of weeks I've been bitching that I just want this year to be fucking over. I gotta tell you, making a list like this has helped...

35. Paddy the bartender at Crazy Ass. SO HOT AND SO AWESOME.

me put this year in perspective. It wasn't a horrible year. Sure, shit happened. I cried A LOT, but of course I cried. Sometimes I forget I have depression, which you know what, is number 36.

36. This is the first full year in four years that I have not been on anti-depressants or in therapy. I probably needed both at times, but I made it through, thanks to you my supportive and patient friends.

I joked that 2010 was the Year of the Taco, Donkey, Beer, and Boob. I didn't accomplish everything I wanted to (Sexy, Simba, Something), but who cares. I had enough going on. In fact, a better name for 2010 is The Year of the Purge. I emotionally and tearductedly (manujaggered!) purged a lot of shit the past twelve months. Did I plan for ANY of what happened this year to happen? Nope. Is my life exactly how I want it to be now? Nope. Am I better off than I was in January? YEP.

That to me is a good year of lifing then. I'm ending it better than I was at the beginning.

2010, you definitely were a little minx.

I friended him.

What's the worst that can happen? Most of my status updates are about beer, tacos, and sports. My parents already know I drink too much. Now they'll just think I'm a lesbian, too.

Uh oh.

My dad has made it to Facebook. I don't know what to do.

Monday, December 27

Just when...

I decided to be happier and laugh more, a funny thing happened.

I was lying in bed about twenty minutes ago when I heard something crash. I thought it was the metal weight that keeps the roof door closed, so I jumped up to go fix it. As I was standing in my living room putting on my sneakers, I heard someone trying to open my own door. Thoughts flew:

Did my super make an extra copy of my key and is now trying to break in thinking I'm not home? Did my brother somehow make it back to NYC all the way from Jackson through the snow? Did I give MD a set of keys in a drunken stupor and he came here to profess his love for all of eternity?

I ripped open my door and saw 3A, one of my really nice neighbors that live right below me. He thought he was at his door. D'oh!

He apologized and said, "Oh wow, I've never seen another apartment here. Did you paint your living room?" (It's a skyish blue with blue-green trim.) I invited him in and we banged in the hallway.

Just kidding. I invited him in and it turns out he's a comic fan, so we talked shop while he looked through my trades. I felt a little dumb since my living room was a mess and I was wearing Tat's oversized pajama pants, but whatever. He took the first two Sandman trades and went back home. I ran up to the roof and it turns out the door wasn't open.

Now that I wrote this I guess it's not the best story in the world. I just thought it was perfect timing considering I want to be more lighthearted and fun. Why is this? I'm sick of taking shit so seriously. WHY SO SERIOUS?

I was in the worst mood this morning for no reason. Well, that's not true. I have plenty of reasons for being negative, but I have plenty of reasons to be positive too. I choose to be negative because that's all I know. Boy stuff, work stuff, health stuff - I let all of this shit get to me. I hate this about myself, which is a negative statement in itself. I hate being a certain way, I hate that I hate being a certain way, and so on. I don't really know how to stop this, so I'm just going to. Sometimes thinking the shit out of things doesn't get me anywhere, so I'm not going to think about things anymore. Just fucking do them.

I'm just going to be fucking positive.

Wednesday, December 22

I need answers

My scratchy throat turned into a cough, cold, and possible ear infection, so I stayed home today. I guess I should have forced myself to go in since I already planned to take off tomorrow and Minnow is closed Friday and Monday, but whatevs. Six day weekend, WOOT!

This morning I got up around 9am, watched Toy Story 3 (kind of intense, right?), napped, watched another four hours of random television, and here I am now. I have some questions that need to be answered:

1. What are Wendy Williams measurements?

2. When did Maury just say fuck it and only cover paternity tests?

3. How many people really get cars as Christmas presents?

4. Why can't we leave Lindsay Lohan alone? She's only 24 for crying out loud!

5. Why is the media harping on Spider-Man the musical? Don't they have anything else to focus on? And for fuck's sake, he has a hyphen.

6. Why do people like Dancing with the Stars?

7. Do TBS and My9 know they both air King of Queens at 6:30pm? Seems dumb. So is the show.

8. Why did people watch Everyone Loves Raymond? That show fucking sucks! They are all mean and horrible to each other. If you take out the laughtrack it will have a whole new meaning, ala Garfield minus Garfield.

9. Why is that Regis and Kelly girl doing crappy A&P/Waldbaum commercials?


Okay, the only questions I really care about are 1 and 10. I have to keep waiting on 10, but here is what I found online about Wendy: 5/11, either 40DD or 40FF (I'm thinking FF), 40-30-40.

Now I can sleep.

Monday, December 20

The towels are kinda scratchy.

I rarely think my weekends go by too fast. They usually go by with too much beer or too little sleep, but not too fast.

Except this weekend. Friday I stayed in. Saturday I went to the annual Company holiday party at DaQ's gorgeous home. I love that I still get invited every year!! Afterwards I headed over to Bella's for holiday party number two. Did you know there's a port called Cockburn's? I totally bought a bottle because I am a 14 year old boy. "Cockburn, anyone?"

I was home by 11pm that night, but I didn't sleep too well again. Lefty bothered me a little, but she's doing much better now. Thank you Icy Hot, Advil, and shelf bras!! I have a bit of a cough and a scratchy throat (I keep hearing this Verizon commercial in my head), so I kept getting up for some water. Thanks for coming into work when you were sick, Tennis! Also, my damn radiators were really loud and the one in my bedroom started leaking. I could hear the water boiling on top of the valve. My super fixed them while I was at work today and I gotta tell you, it's eerily quiet in my apartment now. I guess the clanking and hissing were my noisy winter roommates. Luckily my gassy ass is filling some of the silence.

Yesterday I went to the bar with a couple of my guy friends to watch the Giants game. I had a great time hanging with them, but holy fuck did that game suck. (Rhyme!) It was probably the most devastating loss I've ever witnessed. Up by 21 points with 8 minutes left and they fucking blew it. I love March for three reasons: my birthday, St. Patty's Day, and it's the one month out of the year the Giants, Jets, and Mets can't disappoint me. Fucking brutal.

The Jets thankfully had a big win to counter the Giants big loss. They played the Steelers, MD's favorite team. I texted him some smack talk earlier in the day and the texts kept going until we met up at Crazy Ass around 6pm. I'm officially over him. Sure I slept with him and all, but whatever. I had a nice time and he's still the best kisser to date. Sue me. Oddly enough, I'm almost sad that I don't like him any more. Disconnection can be a bit somber, even when it's for a positive reason...

Tonight I realized I've spent most of my life feeling unloved, insecure, and less than. It started with my mom, then went to guys and bosses as I got older. I don't feel like I measure up.

Well this ends now. From here on out I'm going to make myself feel loved, secure, and special. I'm also going to surround myself with people who encourage these feelings. MD isn't a bad guy, but he didn't go out of his way to make me feel good. For the first time in my life, I know I'm going to find someone who will.

Friday, December 17


My second interviews for both the consulting gig and internal job were today. I could really use some feedback so please share your thoughts on the following.

The consulting gig is a huge opportunity for me. It's such a small company that I can make my position whatever I want it to be. I could do everything from meeting with clients for requirements gathering to data map conversions to test script writing to who knows what else. While the company currently specializes in legal accounting system implementations, the experience could really open doors for me to become a project manager in any industry. Concerns:

1. This is a big lifestyle change. I wouldn't be a nine-to-fiver any more. I'd either be working from home, at a client's office, or on the road all hours of the day, even weekends. For the past 10 years, my company's quitting time was my life's starting time. What will it be like to not have an official end of day?

I know I always write about my social life, but that's only half of who I am. I love my alone time, too. I stayed in every night this week and I couldn't be happier. (Poker was cancelled tonight by the way.) I vegged out, watched a movie (Expendables wasn't as good as I wanted it to be), talked to myself for hours (I never stop talking), meditated, shaved my legs (it's a chore), went through my junk drawer, etc. My point is the best part about being a SINK (single individual no kids - did I make this up?) is that I own my time. It could very well be that working from home makes me own even MORE of my time, meaning I set when I want to get up and work, or it doesn't at all.

And of course, the social half of me needs room to breathe as well. And I'm not just talking about going to bars either. In NYC you're surrounded by people all of the time whether you acknowledge them or not. I easily see at least 500 people on my way to work, at work, and on my way home without even looking. Would I go crazy sitting in my apartment all day? Should I commute into Manhattan to sit at Starbucks instead?

2. I could potentially be making $20K more than I am right now. FUCK YEAH. The only problem is that the health insurance isn't as good as Minnow's. It never occurred to me how good the Publishing industry's insurance coverage seems to be, probably because I was too busy complaining about the low pay. This is a first for me to look at the whole package (heh) and while the salary is what I want, I'm not sure if I want to pay possibly $300 a month just for healthcare. I have to wait to see what the final number is, what the copays are, and what's even covered. Apparently smaller companies aren't given many options, which is a huge concern of mine considering I'm a crazy lady. Women's and mental health coverage seem to be the first to go. (WHY IS VIAGRA COVERED?)

3. Is working for a start-up smart in today's economy? If I had a nest egg, hell a SAVINGS (I suck), I wouldn't mind taking a risky leap. I have this fancy iMac and a $250 Max Azria dress. That's all of my assets, people.

4. The woman I'd be working for is exactly like me. For realz. She is a psychology major who picked up a DOS manual for fun one day, taught herself computers, streamlined the data at her first job which lead to a career as an IT trainer and project manager. I am a psychology major who learned SAP by reading the user guides I had to photocopy for my boss at my first job, which lead to assuming IT liaison roles at every company I've worked for since. Basically we are both nerdy mentholes. This could be awesome or awful. Chances are there will be no gray.

PHEW. I'm glad I'm writing all of this out.

The internal job is also a big opportunity for me as well. I hate my current gig for one reason: IT'S FUCKING BORING. The only things keeping me alive are the special projects I take on. Have I ever written what my real job is there? Probably not. I'm an Inventory Analyst. I KILL BOOKS. There I said it. If there is too much stock I try to liquidate it. If not I burn it. I am the Eva Braun of Minnow. I hate it. I've tried a zillion times to change the mission statement of my department (not that they even have one), but in the end we are the dregs of the Publishing industry. No one wants to deal with us because we are where their precious title goes to die.

Okay. That was dramatic. I do more than that, but still. It's shit.

Interestingly enough this new gig is about killing books too, but at least there's some fucking excitement around going digital. I'd be responsible for managing interfaces and feeds to various e-tailers, working with IT and senior management on developing new business processes and systems, all the creative things I love. Yes, I finally realized I can be creative without using paint. If I stay at Minnow, it's a great opportunity to pull myself out of the shadows and into the spotlight. Concerns:

1. I'd still be working for Nun. My second interview was with him and an IT guy. The IT guy was first and I gotta say I was really excited after speaking with him. Then Nun killed it. The woman I'd be directly reporting to said that a decision would be made next week. Nun decided (probably today) that the job description needs to change and the position won't be filled until after the new year. Really? You're an asshole. If this was really true, why the fuck are you interviewing already, dipshit*?

2. I'm pretty sure I'm the most qualified candidate in-house. The problem is since I already work for Nun, I could see him being a real dick about transferring. I betcha fifty bucks he tries to make me do Gorilla's work still. Crap, I could even see him not letting me transfer for fear of losing a head in my current department. Fuck.

3. I can also see him lowballing the salary.

I don't want to let Nun ruin this for me. As much as I'd like to leave the company, I don't want to miss out on what might be my last chance to feel good about working at Minnow after all these years.

DOUBLE PHEW. This whole post might be moot considering I wasn't even offered either position, but I do need to think about all of these things. Must-haves for my next gig: a fatty paycheck so I can pay off my debt, good health insurance (I'm worried about this), NYC based office (I'm not ready to leave NY yet), and an opportunity to learn something new. Oh and leading me to my husband isn't a requirement, but that would be an awesome plus.

What do you guys think?

* HA! Dipshit.

Thursday, December 16

Icy Hot!!

Holy crap does my chest feel better! And in true manic depressive form, I am on cloud nine right now!



Random things...

I broke my boob again. I'm so fucking annoyed with myself. On Thanksgiving I carried three heavy dishes and two six-packs the half mile to Bacon's apartment. The bag must have weighed at least 40 pounds. My arms were very sore the next day, but I thought, "Hey it was a work out! I'm so cool!" It didn't even occur to me that HELLO, I just had breast surgery three months ago and maaaaaybe I shouldn't be carrying something so fucking heavy. That's the problem with feeling good though - I forgot how shitty feeling bad can be.

Well I remember now. I seemed to have pulled my pectoral muscle, at least that's what the nurse and interwebs told me. The pain wasn't so bad the first week, but it's become progressively worse from the loose boob dangle. The girls are strapped in tight all the time now and I'm back to sleeping sitting up, both of which is ridiculously uncomfortable. The pain this week is the worst so far, probably because I have my period and my boobs are tender to begin with. It hurts so much that I don't know how I'm even typing. Dumb girl.

Besides the boob, I'm feeling much better. My three day hangover may have been accompanied by a cold as well. A couple of nights in did the trick. I wish I could say a couple of good nights' sleep, but no. Between Lefty and my noisy radiators I'm not well-rested. All I want to do is sleep!

I'm in a whiny grumpy mood right now, but good things are coming. I have a second interview at the consulting firm and two more interviews (one with Nun which is stupid) for the internal job tomorrow. Tomorrow night is Pokher, Saturday two holiday parties, and Sunday I'm going out to watch the Giants game with some of my Bird guy friends I haven't seen in a while. I don't want to feel like shit anymore, so I decided I am going to lay off alcohol until New Year's. Maybe I'll have one or two beers, but I am definitely not getting drunk. Every year I get sick for the holidays and I refuse to get sick this time. Refuse, damn it!

Not sleeping is making me a little crazier than usual this week. I feel lightheaded again, but it's probably the combination of anxiety and the speed at which I devoured my three taco lunch. I've decided 2010 was the year of the taco (year in review post to come) and I'm toying with 2011 being a Ribquest. We shall see. The brilliance of a Tacoquest is in its ease and cheapness. Ribs will be much more expensive and requires planned ventures to sit down restaurants. Maybe falafel is better...

My two bosses are out today. I'm enjoying the quiet. It's been a long week despite the fact I've only worked three days.

I finally got a haircut last night. I went to a new place and the girl did exactly as I asked by keeping the front long and cleaning up the back. I just want it to grow out already! I did something dumb, though. The stylist was in the bathroom when I was leaving, so I gave her tip to the receptionist. A half a block later I almost turned back to make sure she got it, but I didn't. Oh well. She lives in Astoria and seemed like a big mouth drunk (sound familiar?), so if I run into her I'm sure she'll bitch me out. I'll buy her a shot to make amends. Ugh. Shots.

What else what else what else....

I'm still sad about MD, but that's to be expected considering it's only been a week since we officially broke it off, I haven't had time to reflect, and I like beating myself with a dead horse. I miss him even though I never had him. Oh well.

Here's hoping this time next month I'll be completely over him, I'll have a new job, my boob won't hurt, and my hair is an inch longer.

Monday, December 13

Please use straw hole.

My week in review:

Wednesday I found out from Grape that Banana and Orange are getting married. I knew it was going to play out like this back in February, but it was still jarring to hear. The good news is Banana took all of the blame for what happened and still feels like an asshole for leading me on and causing drama between Grape and I. The shitty news is apparently I was the catalyst for him realizing what he had with Orange and ultimately deciding to commit to her. Why is this shitty? Because it's not fucking fair. I'm sooooo glad your life is all sorted out and you're in love you fucking asshole, while I'm still single. What bullshit.

Wednesday night I finally heard from MD. He apologized for not calling sooner. He felt awkward after what happened the last time we saw each other and wasn't sure what to say. I told him that's the problem, he doesn't say anything. He finally admitted he likes me and likes being around me, but doesn't want anything serious. I knew all of this of course, I just needed him to say it. We spoke for a few more minutes and ended the call and our fake relationship with "I'll see you around the neighborhood." I saw him on Friday, but more on this later.

I'm not really upset about Banana, just confused and disappointed. What the fuck was the point of all that, for me anyways? Fucking stupid. Unfortunately I am still upset about MD. I'm really attracted to him and wish he would have shown me some kind of effort and interest. Oh well. At least I tried.

Apparently I do have some fans out there still, though. Case in point, some dude I went out with on one date back in 2008 Facebook friended me that night (Wednesday was all about boys). I don't really understand why he did considering we haven't spoken in over two years and he's In A Relationship, but it was nice to feel like someone's thinking of me.

Thursday was a Minnow day. I had my interview for the internal job. It seemed to go pretty well, so keep your fingers crossed! The company holiday party started at 3pm that afternoon. I had a really good time hanging out with the few people I can stand there. My plan was to go home early in preparation for Friday, but of course I ended up going to a nearby pub and ending the night eating tacos on my living room floor at 1am. Typical.

So what was Friday all about? Bakes and I took off for THE DONKEY DOWN. Our favorite Astoria bar Crazy Ass (I'm still referring to it by nickname to protect the innocent - me.) has a fun game for alcoholics and over-eaters. If you do one of the following you get your picture stapled on the ceiling for all of eternity or until the gruidos run out of room for opening new cafes on 30th Ave and spread the bore over to 36th Ave:

1. Eat a donkey mess, which I think is all of their appetizers thrown on one plate. You must eat the whole thing yourself. Pass.

2. Drink not one, but TWO fishbowls filled with all sorts of Bacardi and swedish fish. I drank most of one the day of my 10K and woke up on my bathroom floor. Pass again.

3. Drink a beer from each of their fourteen taps in one sitting. DING DING DING!

I made tracking lists for us. This is how I did:

As you can see from my handwriting, beers 12-14 were rough, so rough that I don't remember them. That's right, folks. I made it all the way to the end to brown out for the finale. What a fucking drunk. My body still hurts, my soul hates me, but hot damn, my picture is on that ceiling.

MD came in when we were finished and drinking water. I sort of remember talking to him. Bakes said we were totally cool to each other. I was a little sad as he was supposed to take off and do the Donkey Down with us. Obviously he didn't. It was better off, though. Bakes is the only person I want to marathon drink with...

but unfortunately the marathon drinkups are OVER. I'm pretty sure I've had fourteen beers in a night before, but the hard part on Friday was drinking a different beer each time especially ones I can't stand. Give me fourteen Guinness and I'll definitely be wasted, but I won't be sick the next day. I've been sick all fucking weekend. That's not a complaint as this is my own fucking fault, just stating a fact.

Saturday my brain melted. I couldn't form complete sentences and when I did I sounded like the Mad Hatter. Somehow I managed to go out to dinner, dessert, and to a bar until late. I didn't drink AT ALL though, just stuffed my face. Yesterday I went to the Jets game. The guys at the tailgate gave me a shot of some new Patron flavor. I took one small sip and dumped the rest on the ground when they weren't looking. I also took one sip of an Amstel Light and gave the rest to Spags. My body is full on rejecting all alcohol and my god, I never thought I'd say this, but I couldn't be happier. Instead I stuffed my face again with lovely tailgate fare and a delicious dinner at Meatball Shop after the game. I probably gained ten pounds in the last two days, but I don't care. My body needs fuel.

And rest. Lots of rest!! Wednesday I barely slept because of the boy crap and every night since then I've been up until at least 1am. I'm off today (yeah four day weekend!) and am so friggin glad. I need a nap STAT!

Tuesday, December 7


Today I had my first interview in three years. It was strange for a few reasons...

1. I still don't have that impulsive GET THE FUCK OUT vibe I had when I left my last four positions. I don't know if this means that I'm complacent in my thirties or just less impulsive than my twenties.

2. When I left Company I didn't have a new job lined up. It was the dumbest decision of my life, yet it worked out for the most part. This means I haven't casually looked for a new job in almost six years.

3. I'm still not sure what I want to do. All I know is I want to get out of debt STAT. The first step was to stop charging. The next step is to increase my income. My plan is to pay off my debt, save for a year, go on a world tour, and then go back to school for art therapy. If I go after money, I should be able to do the first three things by the time I'm 36, which means I should be done with grad school by 40. old am I? AM I THAT CLOSE TO 40?? Yikes.

4. The guy I interviewed with is a goddamn unreadable mute character like MD. He was super nice and warm, yet I have no idea what he thought of me AT ALL. Am I that bad with reading people? Why can't everyone be mutant-skinned emotional loudmouths?

5. The position is completely different than any other I've had. I'd be working for a consulting company with only ten other people who are spread all over the country. I'd either work from home or at my client's office. I can't imagine working for home, but I'm probably better off considering I never seem to get along with my direct bosses.

Ugh. I want to keep writing, but I'm a bit buzzed. Tonight was the going away party for the girl who is leaving the internal job I applied for, so I have a few beers in me. (That sentence has a lot of words.) A blah blabba blah blabba blah blah blah.

To be continued...

Monday, December 6

Jettin' It Old School

I haven't had cable in eight months, but I still get network channels.

Tonight is the huge AFC East Jets vs. Patriots game on ESPN. Luckily any New York Monday Night Football games also air on My9 for us cheapies/recovering-shit-TV-addicts.

Guess what?

Tonight is also the first night I don't have sound on channel 9. BAH!

I would go out and watch the game, but I have my interview tomorrow. No way I'm staying out late and/or drinking.

I decided to kick it old school by listening to 1050 AM while the game is on the telly in non-controllable mute. There's a delay so it's kind of annoying, but I must say this is pretty fucking funny...

P-O-O-P! Poop Poop Poop!

Saturday, December 4

Thanks Universe!

I don't have any food in my apartment (per usual), so I debated whether or not I should get ribs or tacos. Ribs won, then lost as Caravan Chicken ran out of them. I begrudgingly (lie) went to Tacos Mexico for some lovin'.

While I waited for the food I walked to the bank and a nearby deli with a hop in my step. I feel GOOD. I know it's going to take some time to get over MD, but today I am a-okay.

On my walk home not even ten minutes ago, the universe did something nice for me. I ran into Pool, the guy I went on a couple of dates with back in September. It was really nice to see him. He reminded me of two things:

One, there are guys I like to hang out with but don't want to date, so I can't really blame MD for not wanting to be with me. I can blame him for being a pussy, though.

Two, I am awesome. Pool was really, really into me. I deserve nothing less.

Thanks Universe!

I'm awake!

It's 5:44pm and I just woke up. I haven't slept in like this in ages!!

Last night I went out to Swaft for Stevie's birthday party. I got home around 1am, ate a tuna fish sandwich (!!), and fell asleep on my couch. My radiators woke me up around 6am, I stayed up until 8am, then went back to bed until now. A couple of phone calls in between kept me among the living, but man, it sure be feel good waking up now*.

Tonight I'm off to Bay Ridge for my friend Annie's birthday party. Cool story, she is recently divorced (not cool) with two kids and she is now seriously dating a guy she's had a crush on FOR FIFTEEN YEARS!! I'm so happy for her! Stories like this give me hope in love and fate. And I could use some hope right now...

This week I realized my panic attacks for the past three months occur the weeks I don't hear from MD. Isn't that sad? My emotional heartache is manifesting physically. This isn't the first time I made myself sick over something I love (Company), so I shouldn't be surprised. And no, I don't love MD, but I definitely could have one day.

Yesterday I was IMing my wise friend Tron and he wrote, "Move on, MD was a time filler. And it's not your fault."

I immediately teared up. It's not my fault. It's not my fault. It's not my fault.

It's not my fault MD doesn't like me. It's not my fault he won't open up to me. It's not my fault he doesn't want me to be his girlfriend.

It's not my fault I like him. It's not my fault I want love. It's not my fault I've never had a serious relationship. It's not my fault I'm learning how to date at 32. It's not my fault that I'm confused by his mixed signals. It is not my fault I want something more.

As you probably guessed, I haven't heard from him yet. At this point I'm sort of glad. Obviously the best thing that could happen is he calls, commits, and communicates from now on. Second best is him doing none of those things. The reason why what Tron wrote resonated is because I know I won't be able to ignore MD's texts or phone calls. If I did I'd feel like it's my fault the relationship ended. You know what, IT'S NOT MY FAULT. Thanks Tron.

So while I had a bunch of errands to run today, I decided I deserved some rest and relaxation after this silent break-up. It's better than eating a pint of Ben and Jerry's!

*I've been told it's hard to tell when I'm being an idiot blonde or manujaggering shit, so to confirm, I meant to write that sentence with bad grammar. On St. Patty's Day I wanted to say to Bakes "It's going to be a great time!" and out came "It gon' be feel good!" I was sober. Idiot blonde then, for sure.

Thursday, December 2

Circumcised Wine

This was a fast week. I'm pleasantly surprised it's Thursday. Sunday through yesterday morning I felt like shit again. Lightheaded, faint, strong palpitations. I'm not sure what changed, but I feel great today.

I have an interview next Tuesday for an IT consulting firm specializing in legal accounting applications. The recruiter said it's a super small (10 people small) start up that has found a niche market. I don't know if I want it, but shit, money talks right now. My interview for the manager job at Minnow is next week, too so we shall see!

I'm going back and forth about the Minnow job, though. I don't want to report to Nun. This week he had all of his direct reports spend four days (FOUR DAYS) on a good-bye video, speeches, party planning, etc. for Head's departure. It was unreal. The man was FIRED not RETIRED. Plus he was an asshole!! Tennis and Gorilla (the other manager in my department) did zero work all week, even cancelled some pretty important meetings too. Well, publishing important, but you know what I mean. These people do nothing. Nothing I say!

There was a toast to Head this afternoon at the office. I had half a cup of champagne and got WASTED. I knew I was allergic to white wine and never realized that's what champagne is made from. I still don't think I'm allergic to red wine, but I stopped drinking it because I always drink too much of it. Rockstar said the only difference in the processing of red and white wine is they keep the skins on the red grapes. Apparently this means I'm only allergic to circumcised wine. (Hence the post title.)

After work everyone was headed to the real good-bye party at a bar down the block. I skipped it. I didn't feel like going to begin with, plus after the champagne I just wanted to come home. I'll probably regret this decision tomorrow (can't I play the game just once??).

Okay, the truth is I came home in case MD calls. Yes, I'm a loser. I was hoping to hear from him last night. No luck. If I don't hear from him tonight, I need to give up. Again. I'm sure I'll hear from him over the weekend, but I don't want casual. I want romance. In an ideal world he would have called me on his way home from the airport saying "I missed you all weekend. Can I come over right now?" In reality he still hasn't even said the words "I like you." Blerg.

I've never been in this position before. TWSS. I guess it's because the only other person I dated for more than a month was Tat. There was my friend Bucket a few years back and we "dated" for about six months. I wrote "dated" because I wouldn't let him call it that. I said we were "hanging out". What a bitch. Unfortunately we met at the height of my commitmentphobia, so the poor guy had to fight through a pretty thick emotional wall. He eventually got through, but by the time I realized I wanted to give him a real shot he had enough of my crap and we broke up.

I can't help but feel like Bucket right now, chasing someone who is emotionally unavailable. Or maybe MD's just not that interested. It feels so intimate when we are together though, which is why I'm so confused...

Bucket met his now wife the week before we broke up. They are perfect together. If I am him right now, maybe this means the next guy I meet will be The One...

I have no idea what I'm doing.