Saturday, December 4

I'm awake!

It's 5:44pm and I just woke up. I haven't slept in like this in ages!!

Last night I went out to Swaft for Stevie's birthday party. I got home around 1am, ate a tuna fish sandwich (!!), and fell asleep on my couch. My radiators woke me up around 6am, I stayed up until 8am, then went back to bed until now. A couple of phone calls in between kept me among the living, but man, it sure be feel good waking up now*.

Tonight I'm off to Bay Ridge for my friend Annie's birthday party. Cool story, she is recently divorced (not cool) with two kids and she is now seriously dating a guy she's had a crush on FOR FIFTEEN YEARS!! I'm so happy for her! Stories like this give me hope in love and fate. And I could use some hope right now...

This week I realized my panic attacks for the past three months occur the weeks I don't hear from MD. Isn't that sad? My emotional heartache is manifesting physically. This isn't the first time I made myself sick over something I love (Company), so I shouldn't be surprised. And no, I don't love MD, but I definitely could have one day.

Yesterday I was IMing my wise friend Tron and he wrote, "Move on, MD was a time filler. And it's not your fault."

I immediately teared up. It's not my fault. It's not my fault. It's not my fault.

It's not my fault MD doesn't like me. It's not my fault he won't open up to me. It's not my fault he doesn't want me to be his girlfriend.

It's not my fault I like him. It's not my fault I want love. It's not my fault I've never had a serious relationship. It's not my fault I'm learning how to date at 32. It's not my fault that I'm confused by his mixed signals. It is not my fault I want something more.

As you probably guessed, I haven't heard from him yet. At this point I'm sort of glad. Obviously the best thing that could happen is he calls, commits, and communicates from now on. Second best is him doing none of those things. The reason why what Tron wrote resonated is because I know I won't be able to ignore MD's texts or phone calls. If I did I'd feel like it's my fault the relationship ended. You know what, IT'S NOT MY FAULT. Thanks Tron.

So while I had a bunch of errands to run today, I decided I deserved some rest and relaxation after this silent break-up. It's better than eating a pint of Ben and Jerry's!

*I've been told it's hard to tell when I'm being an idiot blonde or manujaggering shit, so to confirm, I meant to write that sentence with bad grammar. On St. Patty's Day I wanted to say to Bakes "It's going to be a great time!" and out came "It gon' be feel good!" I was sober. Idiot blonde then, for sure.

1 comment:

Lillie said...

None of those things are your fault. It is also not your fault to have the feelings you do-- so please don't beat yourself up for them!