Thursday, February 21

I need to vent.


You ever have a magic show and go to pull the rabbit out of the hat, but it isn't there?

You make the best of the situation by improvising, moving on, and doing the best you can.  The audience is pleased.

Then all of a sudden weeks later, the rabbit comes out of the hat and says, "I'm here now! I'm the star of the show, let's do this!!!"

And you end up with this intense urge to Fatal Attraction the FUCKING SHIT out of that asshole rabbit.

No, you've never had this experience?  Good for you.

I'm going to boil some water.


Thursday, February 14

Happy Valentine's Day, my sweets!

I'm still kickin'!  It's been an interesting couple of weeks since my last post.  I had a rough patch for a bit, but I'm on the road to recovery and feeling pretty darn well this week.

The rundown:


Part 1 - I have no problem discussing raises or bonuses (if I don't ask, who will?), so when neither appeared in my last paycheck of 2012 I didn't hesitate to confront my boss.  I knew Biz was having trouble finding clients, so it wasn't a complete shock.  What WAS a complete shock came to light a few drinks later.  My boss Iron let it slip that she had removed a huge chunk of money from the Biz account for personal reasons, none of which I feel comfortable sharing.

What. the. fuck. You have GOT to be kidding me.

Part 2 - Two weeks later, Iron calls again.  After a long conversation about her personal issues, all of a sudden she blurts out how Biz is going under soon and I should look for a new job.  I flipped out in my own head since I didn't want to make a scene in the organic store.  Remind me to never take her calls when I'm in public.

I was so pissed and upset. I still am. My bosses have done nothing to try and save the company. I'm the only one who billed full-time last year AND I even brought in a new client AND it's a good friend of mine who I don't want to screw over!

Part 3 - I call my other boss Miron. He denied it all and said we'll be fine. I've learned since then he is in denial about everything in life.

Part 4 - I was afraid Stevie would be upset with me, but she completely understood.  THANK YOU SO MUCH!!  I swear I will do everything I can to see the project through.

Luckily I've come up with some options:  if Biz runs out of money, maybe they can pay me my hourly rate rather than a monthly salary. If they can't do that I'll create Thighs Inc and bill my own time. If I find a new job I could see if they'd let me work part time the first couple of months.  This is unlikely, so I'd probably end up working on the project nights and weekends, which I'd have no problem doing because I am a nerd and it's totally fun. Obviously my preferred situation would be to work at Biz until Stevie's project is over in May, then have something lined up so I can immediately give my notice. Fingers crossed!!

Part 5 - As of today, my resume is completed and forwarded to friends with jobs at my level in non-publishing industries. I ain't going back to the book world. Tron already hooked me up with a recruiter who has a great opportunity for me at a TV station here in NYC. I'm assuming I'll be called in for an interview next week.  This weekend I'll be doing some job searching just to see what's out there.

The good news is I'm confident everything will be fine in the end.  I have a successful career because I am proactive, listen to my intuition, and jump at opportunities.  Last year, my gut told me to be patient and stay put. I'm glad I did, but now it's time to take action and move on.


I haven't drank since Saturday, which is good because last week was a bit of a bender.  Some highlights of my drunken antics:

Wednesday - I told my favorite bartender at Crazy Ass I think I'm falling in love with him. When I sobered up I realized this was a mistake.  I love him as a friend and I admire the way he lights people up inside. I'd still make out with him if I had the chance though. Just once.

Thursday - I decided to go back and apologize, but he wasn't working. I ended up going to the dive down the block to play some pool.  I made out with some iron worker in the bathroom, then I told this nice Indian man all of my MDLL woes. Then of course MDLL walks in later on, but I barely remember seeing him.  The next morning I woke up next to him with one of the worst hangovers I've had in years. I felt AWFUL and didn't move from my couch the entire day.

Saturday - I had a full day of birthday parties. Happy Birthday to Jarv, Rob, and Jill!! I had so much fun celebrating. Thankfully I didn't get as bombed as I did earlier in the week, but I was still pretty drunk.  This happened:

Another thing of note that happened - At the first bar I met a really nice Irish-ish guy. We hit it off so well that I figured we'd either make out or at the very least trade numbers. Well I ended up doing something I seriously have never ever EVER done before.  What is it?? You must be thinking really bad things, right??

I did nothing.  Nothing at all. I impatiently waited for him to approach me and he never did.  Even when I saw him outside on the way out he barely said anything to me.  Now the thing is, I'm not delusional. I am completely aware of when a guy doesn't like me and most the time I try anyway.  This was different though.  I can't verbalize why, I just really thought this dude was into me.  As the girls pointed out in the cab to the next bar, who the hell knows what his deal is.  Maybe he's taken, maybe he's gay, maybe he just didn't like me.  All I know is I HATE THE FEELING OF DOING NOTHING.

My direct personality has been a topic of conversation lately and I'm excited to learn more about it.  Obviously I have no problem voicing my opinions or expressing my feelings. (You can stop laughing.) What I do have a hard time with is understanding how people are or choose to be the opposite.

Maybe it's an East Coast thing or an Irish thing or a crazy vocal mother thing.  Maybe it's just a Me thing.  I've been very direct my entire life, so I'm assuming it's innate. I see beating around the bush as being passive-aggressive and a waste of time.  Now as my long time friends and Thighs readers know, my directness has gotten me into trouble, so I know it's not ideal.  I had to be told that most people are uncomfortable being as straight-forward or blunt as I am because it can be considered confrontational and/or selfish. I'm still having a hard time understanding this, but I am trying and I believe I'm becoming a better communicator. That said, when it comes to guys I still have zero patience.  If I like someone, I tell them. If I want their number, I ask for it. I have absolutely nothing to lose if they say no, so why not go for it?

Well, I'll tell you why. It hasn't really worked for me. It has for hooking up (snootch!) and it did with meeting MDLL, but he ended up being too passive (hold, please). On Saturday I actually tried something different, went against everything I believe in, and gave the guy a chance to hit on me first.  It was a fruitless experiment that is still waking my ragesnake a week later.  At this point it's not even about the guy, it's about me...something about me, but I don't know what. I need to explore this more in therapy.


Saturday night ended with me eating breakfast at the diner around 3am.  I was alone and happy.  On the walk home, MDLL drunk texted me saying, "This sucks. I miss you." He got to my house 15 minutes later. We spent the whole day together, alternating between talking, laughing, talking, and crying.  It was probably the most real conversation and experience we ever shared.

It's no surprise he's in denial about our breakup considering our frequent drunken meet-ups of late. I believe it all finally hit him on Sunday.  I made it very, very clear we are broken up and will remain broken up until he can prove his divorce is final.  To make sure we don't speak or see each other before then, I have decided to cut back on drinking for a while.  First, I need to be healthier. Second,  MDLL and I will never be able to start a new chapter if we don't fully end this one.

I also explained he needs to do some soul-searching before I consider dating him again.  He has been unhappy for a long time and I REFUSE to sit back and watch him throw it all away.  He needs to figure out what's holding him back, what drove him to sabotage our relationship, and what he truly wants in life. I cannot be in a relationship with someone who doesn't try to find their truths or move forward. His personal happiness is not my responsibility. OURS is, together.

I'll admit it's confusing to hit on guys one day and talk to MDLL about our future the next.  I was honest with him about what I need to do right now which is mainly get healthy, find a new job, and date.  I want to meet new guys and test the waters, so I can find out for sure if MDLL is The One.

Ugh. I can't describe how much I fucking love AND hate him right now.  It is fascinating.  The hate has subsided a bit since Sunday, so now I am open to trying again this summer.  If we're both single, of course.  Yes, I know some of you want the MDLL story to end. I don't think it can though. I love him. And hate him. They're basically the same thing, right?