Tuesday, February 26



I'm in a bratty, whinging mood tonight.

And on top of the grumpiness, my gut hurts from forcing a deuce.


Monday, February 25

Bagless Upright

The vacuum in this pic is pretty similar to the one I've had for the past three years. It's a Dirt Devil Featherlite Bagless Upright. It is what it is, it does what it does. I grew up in a carpet-less house so as odd as it sounds, vacuuming is a bit foreign to me, just like cooking and tanning. As a result, if anyone ever asked me, "How much do you know about vacuums?" my response would probably be:

"They don't suck as well as I do."


"Not much but, I know how to use one."

I recently discovered one of these statements is false. Know which one?

Take a good look at the picture. See that little white thing in the middle of the clear thing? That is called a "filter." Say it with me now, FIL-TER. Apparently, while a bagless upright vacuum does not need a BAG it does in fact still need a filter. I had no idea.

Delilah is a pretty big apartment. My living room and bedroom both have wall to wall area rugs so a vacuum became a necessity when I moved. I tried one of those electric brooms a while, but it was only good for mashing the crumbs deeper into the carpet.

I'm not sure if the Dirt Devil had a filter attached when I first bought it. I'm sure it did, but I honestly can't remember seeing a filter or, for that matter, removing it without registering I'd have to replace it. Then again, who knows what the hell I've done bombed and alone in my apartment...

The reason for discovering this so-called "filter?" My vacuum was due to explode any day now. There was barely any suction, dirt and dust was shooting out every where, and the apartment gets this awful burning hair/electricity stench for a good half hour post-"cleaning."

The sad part? This had gone on for about five months before I decided to go online and finally read the Dirt Devil Troubleshooting Guide.

The even sadder part? When I read: 'Dust escaping from cleaner. Filter may not be installed completely.' I said (out loud mind you), "What filter???"

And there ya have it. I am and will forever be, a blonde.

PS Going forward, "bagless upright" will refer to "an erect penis without condom." If, you know, I actually have sexual intercourse again.

Sunday, February 24


Rockstar said she wanted to do something new and fun for her birthday this year. What did she pick?? TRAPEZE. Yes, trapeze-trapeze.

My reaction? "I am a self-conscious 180 pound woman with no upper body strength. OF COURSE I'll do trapeze!"

Unfortunately, B got the flu and an awful sinus infection last week so she wasn't able to go. I tried to reschedule, but their policy states you need to give 3 days notice before you cancel. I stupidly didn't think to check the website earlier in the week, so I had two options, eat the money or go by my lonesome. I chose the latter.

That's right ladies and germs I, Thighs McGee, did trapeze this morning. IT. WAS. AWESOME.

The class was held over on the west side in a big tent. Not a circus tent, like a, I don't know, a big white thing. I walked inside and right in front of me was a trampoline, a huge net, and an instructor flying and flipping through the air. What was I DOING here?!!?!? I was very tempted to leave when I had a nice NY moment. It turned out I had met GG, our main instructor, on my very drunk Cinco de Mayo last year. Whenever I randomly run into people from my past, I always know I'm in the right place at the right time. So I stayed.

Twenty minutes later, me and the three other first timers had our harnesses on and were ready to fly. The "training" lasted all of 5 minutes. Basically there are two rules: breathe and listen. Do both of these things and you're golden.

I climbed up a 25 foot ladder to the board, chalked my hands, and got into position. Back straight, shoulders strong, pelvis pushed forward, right hand out to the bar, left hand holding on to the railing, toes hanging off the board. GG held on to my harness until it was time to "hep" (aka "go") and the next thing I know I'm swinging through the air. All I kept thinking of was Jay yelling to Silent Bob, "FLY, FATASS! FLY!"

There was another instructor down on the ground who coached me through the timing of it all. And that's really what trapeze is all about, timing and physics. If you can hang, you can do trapeze. Trust me, I can't do a pull up to save my life and I was able to swing from my knees and reach out to an imaginary catcher. (I wasn't ready to do a real catch yet.) GG explained that when you reach the peak point of your swing, you become weightless, giving you the ability to flip your body around regardless of (or despite) your physique and strength.

At first I was like, "weightless?" What does that even mean?? It's like when someone says, "The summers are hot, but it's bearable since there's no humidity." I live in New York, I haven't the faintest idea what "no humidity" feels like so just shut your mouthhole.

Well I know what "weightlessness" means now!!! It feels amazing!!! The only way I can think to describe weightlessness is like a surprisingly fast orgasm. For women anyways.

So how'd I do? I flew four times. The first was fine. The second time I got my legs up to the bar, but wasn't able to do the knee hang. The third time was the worst. It was like a delayed fear or something. All of a sudden I got completely scared to the point where I almost didn't go up again. I couldn't believe how frightened I became, especially after already going twice!

My nerves would have gotten the best of me if it wasn't for this really nice guy Jake. It was his first time too, but he was like a trapeze-savant. He told me I should be scared...leaping and swinging 25 feet in the air would scare anyone! I asked how he stayed so calm and he said (I'm not kidding), "I think of Nightwing."

Nightwing is Robin, as in Batman's former sidekick. He and his parents formed The Flying Graysons acrobat/trapeze troupe. I never would have thought of him (I'm not a DC girl), but once Jake said this I felt so much better. I nailed my fourth and final swing, knee hang and all. Thanks Jake. And Nightwing.

Once Bridget feels better I am totally going again. I highly recommend trying it once in your life, especially with the TSNY. I'm sure I'll be in a lot of pain tomorrow, but it was totally worth it. IT'S TRAPEZE!!! How can it not be worth it??

Friday, February 22

Free Shannie

I have a thought.

Calm yourself. I know it's shocking, almost as shocking as me having an opinion, gas, Oreos, or a crush on the wrong guy.

I'm toying with the idea that my twenties can be summed up with two questions. Is this plausible? To ask a question is to ask more information leading into a discussion, so it would follow that the question itself can never be a conclusion...but can a question summarize an inconclusive conclusion? Hmmm. Never mind. I think I answered my question.

My twenties had a THEME and this THEME was in the form of the following two questions:

How do I feel? and Why do I feel this way?

I never thought to ask myself these questions until I met Cee. All she would ask is "How did that make you feel?" My reply would either be "I don't know" or "Funny. It just feels funny." Cee would never let me get away with these answers though. She'd coach me through the breakdown of these two statements until I was able to both recognize and communicate how I actually felt deep inside. It was really hard at first. I'm an emotional mess, how the frig was I supposed to know what I was feeling?? I felt everything!!! Well it took a lot of effort, practice, and faith but I eventually learned. And wouldn't you know it, as soon as I mastered the "how" I had to start asking the "why."

I've shared quite a few of my answers to why I felt or did something right here on Thighsighs, but trust me, the shite you've read was only a small sampling. Why, why, why, why, why?? I didn't stop asking for a good two years. I found some great answers, I found some more questions, and most important, I found me. I don't have to ASK myself how I feel or why I feel something any more...I just KNOW it. For the first time in my life I can simply TRUST myself to say, "I feel this and this is why. End of story." OR "I feel this, I don't know why, and so be it. End of story." I am liberated.

So WHERE does this leave me now? I've been subconsciously asking myself a new question for the past couple of months. I didn't realize I was doing it until last weekend. My new question for my 30th birth year is:

How do I WANT to feel?

HUZZAH!! I LOVE asking myself this question. Again, I only recently heard Me ask I this and I (who apparently hadn't been listening to Me per usual) am ECSTATIC!! What do you mean how do I WANT to feel?? I have a choice!?!?!

YES! I have a choice! And I choose happy! I choose peace! I choose health! I choose fun! I choose harmony! I choose the path of least resistance! I choose, choose, choose, choose!!

It never occured to Me that I needed to exercise free will within Ourselves. And
how does it feel??

ROCKIN...just like my thirties are shaping up to be.

Told ya!

Wednesday, February 20

Baseball Trip 2008

With the weddings, classes, eventual Mac purchase, and a week long vacation to somewhere planned for 2008, I decided to limit my baseball tour to only one stadium this year...FENWAY.

I've been to Boston once. My visit lasted 30 minutes, if that. I was seventeen and my best friend at the time was visiting a college. I couldn't even tell you if it was BU, all I know is that I drove 5 hours to pick her up and then drove straight home. I remember passing the Green Monster and thinking how close it was to the street. At least I think I thought that. I'm burnt.

Well there's no need to hurt my brain trying to remember...I ordered my tickets!

Seattle Mariners at Boston Red Sox
Fenway Park, Boston, MA
Saturday, 06-07-2008 03:55 PM

I am soooo psyched!! I only bought two tickets for the game (an 8-ball is cheaper), but let me know if anyone would like to hang out with me and Rocks in Boston that weekend. We can wear blue button down shirts with khakis, cry about the Patriots, and start bar fights!!! Or is it "bah fights?"

Sunday, February 17


My friend Techno Greek has this piece on his site. It's too fucking amazing not to jack.

The artist's name is Juan Francisco Casas. It is not a photograph. He drew this with a Bic pen.


Definitely, Maybe

I haven't gone to the movies by myself in years, but today I treated myself to Definitely, Maybe. I LOVED IT! See? I am a real live girl.

Ryan Reynolds is oh so charming, I want Abigail Breslin to be my daughter, and I now have a crush on Isla Fisher. The movie is original, cute, and funny. I was giggling the whole time.

I had to fight back some tears a couple of times, though. I'm totally fine crying during a movie when I'm out with the girls, but there's a word for a chick by herself, sobbing through a romantic comedy with a one-sleeve box of Oreos in her lap (addictive personality much?). What the hell is the word I'm looking for??? Oh, right. Pathetic.

Anyhoo, by the end of the movie I felt really good. It filled me with hope, renewing my faith in love, men, and myself.

In fact, I felt cozy and romantic all day until I was about to write this post. I checked my Yahoo account and saw this headline:

How to Train a Husband
Want an obedient spouse? A new book says you should coach them like animals.

What the fuck?? I skimmed it real quick and it is, what's the word again? Oh, right. Pathetic.

Ladies, I think we make shit harder on ourselves. While I don't have a boyfriend, I do hang out with a lot of guys so I feel confident giving a suggestion. You want an obedient spouse? It's simple:

BLOW JOBS. Give him one for every good deed. It's a win-win situation. Your house is clean, his pipe is clean, and you'll never get a sore throat again.

Damn I'm good.

Saturday, February 16

Shitter was full.

Physical health update:

Despite having the flu over Christmas and the recent headcold, I must say I've been feeling pretty darn good lately. Both Cicely the Cyst and the pain in my ovary have been gone for awhile. If I ever do have sex again (anyone? anyone?) I'll be interested to see how my side feels afterwards. Let's hope I'm just as interested in the guy attached to the penis.

Speaking of sex, I pulled a hammy rubbing down the pinto the other day. I figure this means I'm either really out of shape or really bored. Heck maybe I'm both. I bought the Leg Magic workout machine a couple weeks ago. I haven't gotten into a routine yet, but it works really well. Who knows, maybe one day I'll have gorgeous legs and have to give myself a new blog name after a different body hang-up. I wonder if Spider Vein Sighs is available.

My stomach issues are pretty under control. The minute I know I went overboard my body sort of shuts down. Perfect example was Bridget's chili at the Boobie Bowl. I think I went comatose for most of the third quarter. It's nice to finally listen to my body, I'm much more aware of when I'm full or when I'll pay for eating something later.

The one bad thing about it: pooping isn't as much fun as it used to be. It's become a rather boring chore since my colonoscopy. Apparently my shitter was full. Siiighh...I miss the death defying defecation of months past. My post-beer and Oreo morning farts will have to do. They are NASTY.

Mental health update:

I'm including my hypothyroidism in this part because I've felt absolutely fantastic since the diagnosis. I seriously think it played a big role in my mental breakdown. I mean I'm definitely fucking bonkers, but having an underactive thyroid on top of depression is like breaking a paralyzed person's leg. Both unnecessary and uncool. The good news is that I've been on Synthroid for five months now and my TSH levels are in a normal range. Yay me!

I've also decided to wean myself off of Zoloft while I'm taking the Synthroid. I don't want to be on it anymore, especially if I'm not going to therapy. I stopped going to Cee in November and I think therapy and meds are a package deal. I've learned so much about myself and made SO many breakthroughs in the past two years (half of which I didn't even write about), I can't imagine doing it all without both Cee and Auntie D.

Of course most people don't need medication, but I strongly feel that every person should go to therapy at least once in their life. I loved every minute of it. Why'd I quit then? It was time. I knew I could handle being fucking bonkers on my own. For now anyways.

Friday, February 15

I think I'm drunk.

I was out with Company friends tonight. So very good to see all of them! I hadn't seen some peeps since I left...gosh I can't believe it's been almost two months already.

Drank waaaaay too much. And by "too much" I mean 5 beers. Yes, five. Nowadays I usually only drink until a specific part of my face turns red. It's the area down the sides of my face to my chin, sort of like a beard. When my Beer Beard comes I know it's time to stop, but unfortunately I ignored it and went for one more. I have an excuse for giving in though...Donovan was there. (I didn't say it was a good excuse.)

I think I'm drunk. I kind of forget what it's like. Let's see, one eye open? Check. Stomach gurgles? Check. Randomly typing? Check. Pants off? Check. Okay then, it's settled. I'm drunk.

On the subway home I was feeling a little sad, but definitely not as sad as I used to get about him. In fact maybe it wasn't sad as much as bummed? Ho hum? Hos giving hummers? I don't know. Just like, not happy.

I've only been in a relationship once on Valentine's Day which really isn't that shocking considering I've only had 2.25 boyfriends my whole life. While I don't mind the holiday at all, I do wish I was dating someone. Then again I sort of wish that every day lately so it's nothing new. I'm sure this is why I was bummed about Donovan tonight though. That and I'm a psycho.

It wasn't until I got home that I realized something so friggin stupid. I mean, lots of things are stupid when it comes to me and guys, but this one is pretty funny. Here I was feeling bad about being single, not having any prospects, and Donovan still not being attracted to me when all a sudden a stupid number popped into my head.

What was the number? 4. Four of the guys at the bar tonight had liked me at some point over the past three years, one of them being the .25 in my boyfriend count. So HELLO?? I'm not doomed to walk the earth alone, I just haven't found my fish yet. And HELLO AGAIN (sans Shelly Long), Donovan is REALLY missing out. I truly believe this now.

So yes while some DDA is long overdue, I'm perfectly fine ending my night alone. And honestly, I don't want to share my Oreos!

Apparently this new tradition is here to stay. I didn't realize I got Double Stuf until I snapped this pic. Awesome.

Tuesday, February 12

Word of advice

Never, ever, EVER leave Chinese food in the garbage, especially if your apartment is a sauna. My kitchen smells like someone shit their pants while getting a perm on the E train.

I decided to order Chinese food Sunday night thinking the hot mustard would help clear my sinuses. It did.

Today's the first day I got my sense of smell back.

How about that!?! (I'm channeling my inner Mel Allen.)

PS Spring training starts soon!

Monday, February 11

And their automated response...

From: support@freecreditreport.com
Date: Feb 11, 2008 7:25 PM
Subject: RE: Free Credit Report my arse

Thank you for contacting FreeCreditReport.com with your inquiry. We will review and reply to your email in the order in which it was received. Thanks again, and we look forward to assisting you. Sincerely, Customer Care, FreeCreditReport.com


My weekend was crappy. What I thought was just allergies became a full on headcold by Saturday night. I had to miss a birthday party, bridal shower, and MC time, all of which I was really looking forward to attending. Apologies to everyone. I felt like shit.

Today was crappy, too. It was hard to get out of bed this morning for a few reasons:

1. It was 15 degrees out. I'm not exaggerating. Right now weather.com says "Astoria: 21 degrees. Feels like 5 degrees."

2. I was Nyquilized. I used to live on Nyquil when I had a smoker's cough, but I rarely take it nowadays. I was functionally stoned for most of the morning, getting around town without actually knowing where I was going. I betcha that's what it feels like when travelling through a wormhole.

3. This was my first working weekend of 2008, meaning I had to go to work on Friday and return on Monday. You know what? I forgot how much that sucks. Employment makes the weekend disappear like a fart in the wind.

4. I'm having trouble with this whole "job" thing. I feel like I'm faking the funk. For the first time in my life I know what I want and...I don't know...I'm doubting I can do it.

4a. Okay okay. I know I'm just being a baby because I'm sick, but what the fuck, man? I'm instant gratification girl! Why did I ever think I could be patient about all this?? Why can't I POOF be a writer and POOF be an artist and POOF be married with children. Come on already!! It's been like six whole weeks since I decided to do this! SIX!! What do you think I got all the time in the world here!?!?

4b. Okay, okay. Now I'm laughing at myself for being such a whiny brat.

I felt a lot better by the time I got to work, but as luck would have it my headcold ended up being replaced with A Case of the Mondays. I must have restarted my computer five times today; practically every query I ran bombed it out. Top two worst things to have when doing reporting and analysis: bad data and a computer that can't keep up with you.

Then I came home to pay bills and found the bullshit charge from Free Credit Report. The email below is exactly what I sent them, except it included my last name. Fuck them. And yes, fuck me for being stupid but please tell everyone you know never ever to do business with them.

Siiighh...crappy. All crappy.


Subject: Free Credit Report my arse

To: "Support@FreeCreditReport.com" Support@freecreditreport.com


I recently discovered that I am one of the countless other morons who fell for your $14.95 scam.

Kudos to you!!!

To celebrate I will be emailing everyone I know to tell them how awesome you are.


Shannon M.

Saturday, February 9

Super Boobie Bowl IV


There were only a handful of peeps at the Boobie Bowl this year, so I was able to forego hostess duty and keep my eyes glued to the television. I'm really glad I got to watch it because that was the best game I have ever seen in my whole life. I can't believe it was only a week ago!

Here is the one picture I took at the party. I still haven't taken down my decorations. I may never.


Friday, February 8

I'm employed!!

I have a cold again. I wrote and edited this post three times before realizing I wasn't making any sense. Not that I ever do anyways, but I try. This time I'm not going to bother, my head hurts too much to think. So here is an update on my first week at Minnow, written without proofin'. Enjoy if you can.

Minnow is sort of operationally fucked. Redundant and inefficient workflows, bad data sources, and the "it's always been done this way" answer for everything. I don't understand it at all. Luckily for me (and probably them too), I don't care. My main responsibility is to analyze our inventory levels at multiple warehouses and figure out ways to get rid of the excess. That's it. And I couldn't be happier. Here's why:

1. I love validating and analyzing data.

2. Nerdiest statement of my life: I find supply chain absolutely fascinating. (To clarify, this does not make me an actual nerd as my equal fascination with poop balances things out nicely.)

3. My bosses Tennis and Claw are super nice guys. I'll only really be dealing with them, except for sending out reports to senior management. This is great considering I have finally accepted the fact that I hate people. The fewer I have to deal with, the better.

4. I left at 5pm every day this week. I'll definitely stay late to make a deadline or help Tennis, but I refuse to make it a regular occurence. In my opinion, people who consistently stay late are either poorly managing their time/workload or avoiding their personal lives. I know I was doing both at Company for a while.

5. I'm in Rock Center! It's so New York.

6. Despite feeling rundown with the cold today, I felt energized all week. The days I had both work and class are very long, but I know I'll manage. I won't let this job get in the way of my goals.

7. Starting over at a new company made me realize I am one smart cookie! I'm amazed at how much I know about publishing and how quickly I learn new things.

8. Minnow offers free coffee in a variety of flavors, a supply closet filled with basic necessities, and a lot of activities and events to encourage a friendly and healthy work environment. This is very important to me. I find a little goes a long way, especially when it comes to improving company morale.

9. Free books! I forgot about that.

10. And last but certainly not least, SUMMER FRIDAYS! There's a rumor that Minnow may not have them this year, though. I sure hope they do!

Monday, February 4

Free as a birdswallow!

Today was my first day at Minnow. I've been crying for the last hour and a half, but this time around they are tears of joy.

I got a job.
I'm going to SVA.
I'm going to be a writer and artist.
I'm going to start my own publishing company.
I'm going to do everything and anything I have ever wanted!!!

Holy crapoly. I feel so free right now...I've never felt this way before in my whole entire life.

No boat comment here, B. I'm serious*.

Free at last!! Shizza almighty!! I'm free at last!!

*B says I forget I've felt/did a lot of things. Her favorite...

ME: "yada, yada...and I've never even been on a damn boat before either."

B: "What?"

ME: "What-what? I've never been on a boat before."

B: "Ummm yeah you have. With me."

ME: "When?"

B: "Let's see. The rafting trips, the booze cruise, the Staten Island ferry. And you even told me you were on one at Bacon's family reunion."

Me: "Ohhhhh....riiiight..."

Brain cells? I have none.

Sunday, February 3



Saturday, February 2

Want to quit women?

Then google search labiaplasty. I will never, ever, ever joke about being a lesbian again.

The before pictures are the grossest things I have ever seen. Hell, even some of the after pictures were disgusting too. Like Carrot Top disgusting.

And no, I am not thinking of getting one. The kung fu Dr. 90210 was just talking about it on Chelsea Lately so I thought I'd check it out. Apparently I have a personal vendetta against my eyeballs.

I may vomit on my keyboard. If I ever get preggers, I'm having a c-section.

Breakthrough No. 10: Forbidden fruit

After a month filled with "haves" as in I have a job, I have a plan, and I have faith, I find it down right sad that I'm obsessing over something I have not. My mom calls this the Irish way, I call it bullshit.

This something is well, something I could have, but should not. A forbidden fruit. I'll refer to it as Guava, only because it sounds cool and I just finished a bottle of Nantucket Nectars Guava juice. Delish.

Guava is always with me in some form or another. She can appear with a wink, a smile, a gesture, a word. Every time Guava shows up my heart flutters, my eyes tear, and I think, hot damn she did it again.

The connection I have with Guava is so powerful; sometimes I'm simply too weak to fight her. I've given into her temptations in the past, but I refuse to do it again. I've found my strength, now all I have to do is beat her. To win this battle I need to understand one thing:

If I can't have Guava, why do I want her in the first place?

The emotional bond I have with Guava is so damn strong that I simply cannot understand why she's forbidden. How can I feel this way about her and her personas without going all the way?

My post about my mom has stirred up a lot of things. My childhood sucked, my teen years sucked. The people who were supposed to love me led me to believe they did not. Is this their fault? I have no idea. All I do know is that it took 24 years for me to meet a group of people who I love and who I know love me back. It took three more for Guava to appear, each of her personas "getting me" in a way I never thought possible, attracting me to them even though it's wrong.

Now that I'm really thinking about this, while Guava's forms are forbidden fruit, is Guava? Maybe it has less to do with her personas and more to do with the message they are sending. The Guava messengers comfort me by saying I am not alone, I am loved, and I am good. It's the connection I've been longing for, not them.

So maybe I can have Guava. All I need to do is separate her fruit/message from her forbidden messengers. And maybe, just maybe, she took on these forms because she knew that was the only way I'd listen.

Oooo...Guava's a sneaky little minx. This battle will be won.

Friday, February 1

Three years later

Today would have been my third anniversary at Company. Three years. Wow.

I've been unemployed since December 21st, but I told myself it didn't actually count until January 7th. You know, with the holidays and vacations.


Get this...I start on Monday. The Super Boobie Bowl will have to be tame, but who cares. I got me a job!!! Yaaaaayyyy!!!

This company will be called Minnow, as in The S.S. Minnow.