I have a thought.
Calm yourself. I know it's shocking, almost as shocking as me having an opinion, gas, Oreos, or a crush on the wrong guy.
I'm toying with the idea that my twenties can be summed up with two questions. Is this plausible? To ask a question is to ask more information leading into a discussion, so it would follow that the question itself can never be a conclusion...but can a question summarize an inconclusive conclusion? Hmmm. Never mind. I think I answered my question.
My twenties had a THEME and this THEME was in the form of the following two questions:
How do I feel? and Why do I feel this way?
I never thought to ask myself these questions until I met Cee. All she would ask is "How did that make you feel?" My reply would either be "I don't know" or "Funny. It just feels funny." Cee would never let me get away with these answers though. She'd coach me through the breakdown of these two statements until I was able to both recognize and communicate how I actually felt deep inside. It was really hard at first. I'm an emotional mess, how the frig was I supposed to know what I was feeling?? I felt everything!!! Well it took a lot of effort, practice, and faith but I eventually learned. And wouldn't you know it, as soon as I mastered the "how" I had to start asking the "why."
I've shared quite a few of my answers to why I felt or did something right here on Thighsighs, but trust me, the shite you've read was only a small sampling. Why, why, why, why, why?? I didn't stop asking for a good two years. I found some great answers, I found some more questions, and most important, I found me. I don't have to ASK myself how I feel or why I feel something any more...I just KNOW it. For the first time in my life I can simply TRUST myself to say, "I feel this and this is why. End of story." OR "I feel this, I don't know why, and so be it. End of story." I am liberated.
So WHERE does this leave me now? I've been subconsciously asking myself a new question for the past couple of months. I didn't realize I was doing it until last weekend. My new question for my 30th birth year is:
How do I WANT to feel?
HUZZAH!! I LOVE asking myself this question. Again, I only recently heard Me ask I this and I (who apparently hadn't been listening to Me per usual) am ECSTATIC!! What do you mean how do I WANT to feel?? I have a choice!?!?!
YES! I have a choice! And I choose happy! I choose peace! I choose health! I choose fun! I choose harmony! I choose the path of least resistance! I choose, choose, choose, choose!!
It never occured to Me that I needed to exercise free will within Ourselves. And how does it feel??
ROCKIN...just like my thirties are shaping up to be.
Friday, February 22
I have a thought.