Breakthrough No. 10: Forbidden fruit

After a month filled with "haves" as in I have a job, I have a plan, and I have faith, I find it down right sad that I'm obsessing over something I have not. My mom calls this the Irish way, I call it bullshit.

This something is well, something I could have, but should not. A forbidden fruit. I'll refer to it as Guava, only because it sounds cool and I just finished a bottle of Nantucket Nectars Guava juice. Delish.

Guava is always with me in some form or another. She can appear with a wink, a smile, a gesture, a word. Every time Guava shows up my heart flutters, my eyes tear, and I think, hot damn she did it again.

The connection I have with Guava is so powerful; sometimes I'm simply too weak to fight her. I've given into her temptations in the past, but I refuse to do it again. I've found my strength, now all I have to do is beat her. To win this battle I need to understand one thing:

If I can't have Guava, why do I want her in the first place?

The emotional bond I have with Guava is so damn strong that I simply cannot understand why she's forbidden. How can I feel this way about her and her personas without going all the way?

My post about my mom has stirred up a lot of things. My childhood sucked, my teen years sucked. The people who were supposed to love me led me to believe they did not. Is this their fault? I have no idea. All I do know is that it took 24 years for me to meet a group of people who I love and who I know love me back. It took three more for Guava to appear, each of her personas "getting me" in a way I never thought possible, attracting me to them even though it's wrong.

Now that I'm really thinking about this, while Guava's forms are forbidden fruit, is Guava? Maybe it has less to do with her personas and more to do with the message they are sending. The Guava messengers comfort me by saying I am not alone, I am loved, and I am good. It's the connection I've been longing for, not them.

So maybe I can have Guava. All I need to do is separate her fruit/message from her forbidden messengers. And maybe, just maybe, she took on these forms because she knew that was the only way I'd listen.

Oooo...Guava's a sneaky little minx. This battle will be won.