Sunday, June 28

These boobs were made for walking...

I FINALLY found a bra I like that stops the girls from bouncing.  And it was on sale!  Hurray!

Thursday, June 18

Drunkie bastard

I'm drunk.  It's fun to pretend to write when I'm drunk especially when I'm not really pretending and am actually writing.  Look at me, no hands!  What a lie.  Fingers and hands are included in the creation of this post but not much brain.  Some eye, but they're half-opened or closed depending if you're a pessimist or an optimist.  I'm the former, which in itself seems to be an optimistic statement.  Wouldn't I choose to put optimist before pessimist if I was truly a pessimist?  Or is my pessimism so ingrained that it's the first thing I choose to be?  Pshaw.

What to do what to do what to do.  I'm typing with one eye open.  Oh oh, both eyes closed now.  I feel like Stevie Wonder excpet aI'm not making music or sense.  I aimon't fixing that typo that I felt making.  That I made feeling.  that I know I made.

Holy crap Im drunk but I only really had six beers.  Maybe seven.  It's funny that's all it takes to get me hammered nowadays.  Hell maybe that's all it would take me to get hammered in my youth too, but I chose not to stop drinking.  This may or may not be true.  Most things are either.

Post Shunty update, my parents and brother accepted my apology like it was "ain't no thang" (verbatim from Rip).  I'm glad I apologized and I'm glad I felt bad about being bitchy too them.  I thank the peeps who mentioned that I had every right to be pissed off, but that wasn't really my issue.  I think it was the conscious decision I made to SIT WITH the pissed-offedness that bothered me the most.  It didn't feel good and I didn't feel good hanging on to it.  So why'd I do it.

Eh fuck it who cares. I'm drunk, blindly typing and moving my head as if I was in fact a blind musician.  It's kind of fun really.  I am in a qwerty groove.  UGH.  Did I really just type something that awful?? Yikes.  Want to delete but will not just to punish myself.  ACK!  There it is again! ACK!  When did I start sounding like Cathy??   ACK! ACK! It's fun to type caps lock without holding caps lock.

Answer:  Asparagus.  Question:  What did my fart just smell like?  Trebek's a douche.

Oy vey.  I have to go to work tomorrow and I don't want to.  Summer Fridays absolutely rock but the Fridays I have to work absolutely don't.  Tomorrow's worse because my boss will be there, too.  We usually have opposite Fridays off and I prefer it this way.  Again the bitch is nice, but he's (did I just call him a bitch?) annoying me lately.  The last thing I want to do is spend a quiet day with him.  Blech.  Blerg. Barf. Beatrice.

Is there anything else I need to share?  I don't think so.  I think I'll stop typing some time in the near future.  Now.  Nope, soon. 

I can't stop thinking in a way that will make me stop typing and stop reading and start punctuating maybe to stop...

Oooo.  Stopping.

Sunday, June 14

Shunt must die!!

I was so fucking pissed today.

I was down in Jackson with my parents and brother celebrating an early Father's Day.  It went like most of our family outings do:  half-ass plans to inconvenient event to my anger and frustration to everyone saying I ruined the whole fucking day.  Go me.  

Why did I choose to be angry?? I didn't want to NOT be angry.  My fucking brother is a pain in the ass and my parents always do whatever the fuck he fucking wants.  Yes, apparently sibling rivalry is strong even at 31.  The day was supposed to be with the family, but Rip decided he had to go visit friends in Red Bank at some point.  He also decided he didn't want to have to take his luggage with him so he asked my parents to bring it to my apartment when they drop me off.  When my dad told me this I said well I don't want a ride home because I know how traffic will be on a Sunday night, make Rip take his luggage with him, they refused.  So a gorgeous day was spent stuck in the car for over five hours between trips because we got lost going from the movies to RB and then we were stuck in traffic from RB to Queens.  

I can't blame them for any of this because it was me who chose to let the anger and frustration boil inside my chest and stomach.  I haven't been this pissed off in quite some time.  I stayed in it even though I hate how it feels.  I don't know why.

Maybe it was because I needed to be angry.  I needed to remember how awful it is.  I've been focusing on my feelings for so long to try to understand the truth behind them, maybe I just needed to be mad without analysis or judgment.  Of course this would be okay if I was by myself, but I wasn't.  I fumed, they fumed, we all fumed.  I fully admit I brought everyone down.

I don't think this is the real answer to my question, though.  Why did I choose to be angry?  Is it because I had every right to be?  What does that even mean?  Having the right to do something doesn't mean it should be done.  Did I feel justified in being angry?  Sure, I was inconvenienced so that my brother wouldn't be.  No one wanted to listen to me.  AHA! Was being angry my passive-aggressive way to get back at them?  Oh shit.  "Well fuck you assholes, I'm going to sit here with my arms crossed, ignoring the fuck out of you, until I feel like saying some bitchy comment about what a wasted fucking day this was."  Oh shit.

Oh shit oh shit.  That's what my mom used to do to us all the time.  Oh shit oh shit.  I acted just like her!! Fuuuuck.  

This is why I hate going to Jackson, hate going to my parents' house, and pretty much hate New Jersey in general.   I always seem to find out something new about myself that I didn't want to know!!  Today I found out there's a part of me that's a bratty, bitchy, manipulating cunt.  I'll call her Shunt.  Shunt must die!!

Friday, June 12

Losing weight!

Have I even mentioned I'm losing weight?  I was 190 lbs. in January 2008.  Yikes, right?  

When I started Company I was 168 lbs.  That was back when I counted calories and worked out three times a week.  I haven't been doing either this past year and a half, the weight is (thankfully!) just falling off.  

Now I weigh 175 lbs.  Definitely not my goal, but at least the Company weight is almost gone!

June Bugs

The past couple of weeks were whack. I don't think I've ever used this word before, but it's the first idiom that came to mind. Yes, idiom according to Check out the Phrasal Verb:

whacked out Slang
Under the influence of a mind-altering drug.

Phrasal Verb(s):
whack off Vulgar Slang To masturbate.

Interesting.  Say "phrasal verb" out loud.  Doesn't it sound more vulgar than "whack off?"  

Anyhoo, the rundown:

1.  I had ridiculous chest and back pains the end of last week.  It felt like I was having a heart attack.  I'm not sure what triggered it maybe stress, the Halal Guys street meat sauce I had on Wednesday (cart on 53rd and 6th Ave, amazing except for the coronary), the pepperoni pizza I had on Friday, or all three.   My heart felt like a rock, my chest was tight, I had to consciously take full deep breaths, the pain in my back was really uncomfortable, whine whine.  It was awful!  I went to the doctor Saturday morning; luckily (or not?) he didn't seem to think it was an emergency and sent me for a chest xray, abdomen sonogram, EKG, and bloodwork. 

I wrote "or not?" because it's weird to be in pain and not know why.  On the one hand, if it was a heart attack or something concrete it could be treated right away.  On the other, who the fuck wants to have a heart attack??  

I was pretty upset about all this for a few days, but now I'm looking at it as a positive.  I haven't gotten my test results yet, but my gut says there's nothing wrong.  The problem is me.  I don't take care of myself well.  I'm over-stressed, I eat poorly, and I haven't exercised.  I always say I want to lose weight to look good, but I don't think I've ever said I want to be HEALTHY.  

Now I'm saying it: I want to change my life, change my habits, and change my beliefs all in the name of good health.

2.  I realized I associate a lot of pain to the word "Oracle."  I'm not ignoring the fact that my body went wonky once I joined the project team.  It makes sense that I'd subconsciously link all of the rough times at Company to the implementation because the shit probably wouldn't have hit the fan there if I wasn't involved on the project.  Then again, maybe it would have.  Who knows and who cares.  I can't change the past, but I sure can learn from it.  

I know now that people come first, myself included.  I'm addressing the warning signs of another meltdown.  I'm more understanding to others.  I know that change is hard for everyone.  I know that there are a million ways to skin a cat (that's for you Furbie), so it doesn't always matter how we achieve something as long as the goal is met.  And last but certainly not least, I know Me.  I don't need to take things personally because I'm confident in what I have to offer. Heck, it's only been three weeks and I've already brought some good ideas to the table.  If they choose to follow through, cool.  If not, that's okay too.  Yay for experience!

3.  I went to a psychic last Tuesday.  He gave me an in-depth astrological reading and read my tarot cards.  Basically he confirmed everything I already knew about myself.  This may sound like a waste of time, but it wasn't.  I like validation and a good reality check.  It's so easy for me to stay in fantasyland that I forget to take stock of the real world.  

Cool to note, he knew I wasn't going to be in NYC much longer.  I've been thinking about this a lot lately.  I'm not sure when I'll move or where I want to go yet, but I have feeling it's either going to be for love or for school.  Maybe both!

4.  My brother's in town!  We had an awesome sibling night on Monday and we're going to hang out again with the rents on Sunday for an early Father's Day.  Hmm, maybe moving to Cali wouldn't be so bad...I'll give everyone fair warning so you can buy stock in Coppertone.

5.  Summer Fridays are the best!! 

I guess that's it.  I'm going to phrasal verb myself now.

Falling for Bret

I had to watch this a few times to comprehend what happened. TOO FUNNY!