I was so fucking pissed today.
I was down in Jackson with my parents and brother celebrating an early Father's Day. It went like most of our family outings do: half-ass plans to inconvenient event to my anger and frustration to everyone saying I ruined the whole fucking day. Go me.
Why did I choose to be angry?? I didn't want to NOT be angry. My fucking brother is a pain in the ass and my parents always do whatever the fuck he fucking wants. Yes, apparently sibling rivalry is strong even at 31. The day was supposed to be with the family, but Rip decided he had to go visit friends in Red Bank at some point. He also decided he didn't want to have to take his luggage with him so he asked my parents to bring it to my apartment when they drop me off. When my dad told me this I said well I don't want a ride home because I know how traffic will be on a Sunday night, make Rip take his luggage with him, they refused. So a gorgeous day was spent stuck in the car for over five hours between trips because we got lost going from the movies to RB and then we were stuck in traffic from RB to Queens.
I can't blame them for any of this because it was me who chose to let the anger and frustration boil inside my chest and stomach. I haven't been this pissed off in quite some time. I stayed in it even though I hate how it feels. I don't know why.
Maybe it was because I needed to be angry. I needed to remember how awful it is. I've been focusing on my feelings for so long to try to understand the truth behind them, maybe I just needed to be mad without analysis or judgment. Of course this would be okay if I was by myself, but I wasn't. I fumed, they fumed, we all fumed. I fully admit I brought everyone down.
I don't think this is the real answer to my question, though. Why did I choose to be angry? Is it because I had every right to be? What does that even mean? Having the right to do something doesn't mean it should be done. Did I feel justified in being angry? Sure, I was inconvenienced so that my brother wouldn't be. No one wanted to listen to me. AHA! Was being angry my passive-aggressive way to get back at them? Oh shit. "Well fuck you assholes, I'm going to sit here with my arms crossed, ignoring the fuck out of you, until I feel like saying some bitchy comment about what a wasted fucking day this was." Oh shit.
Oh shit oh shit. That's what my mom used to do to us all the time. Oh shit oh shit. I acted just like her!! Fuuuuck.
This is why I hate going to Jackson, hate going to my parents' house, and pretty much hate New Jersey in general. I always seem to find out something new about myself that I didn't want to know!! Today I found out there's a part of me that's a bratty, bitchy, manipulating cunt. I'll call her Shunt. Shunt must die!!