Friday, December 30

2011 Year in Review: I didn't know.

2011 is coming to an end tomorrow. I can't believe it. I MADE IT!

In a conversation with myself this morning, the theme of this year became clear:

I didn't know.

I didn't know a lot of things about myself, my life, and my world before 2011. Here is what I know now:

I know I am a good, decent, caring person. I know I am sensitive, empathic, and resilient. I know I won't give up on myself or others. I know my limits, my weaknesses, and my strengths. For the first time in my life, I know and love Me.

I knew Boob Saga shook me last summer, but I didn't know how much it would change my life...

Cee said it's possible I had post-traumatic stress disorder for the last sixteen years. Some doctors have found PTSD can stunt a person's emotional and mental growth, keeping them frozen in time from when the trauma occurred. I believe it. The angst and pain I've felt my entire adult life was strangely immature, like I was still a teenager. Read the last four years of Thighs for proof!

I now believe once my implant was removed, my body and soul purged everything. The last few months of 2010 were filled with sharing and recovering from Boob Saga, confronting my fears about 9/11 and my stove, sleepless nights, anxiety, and lots of tears. 2011 started with seven months of a sick slumber. When I awoke I found love.

I love myself, my friends, my family, my boyfriend, my job, my home, my city, my gods. Everything. The implant was in my left breast covering my heart for sixteen years. I believe once it was removed, my heart was free to love again.

My body continued purging long after my surgery. It transformed itself. Being sick this year was the best thing that ever happened to me. I can no longer drink beer, eat crap food, or blow it out every night. My body won't let me. It saved me from my self-sabotaging ways.

I learned so much this year. I know how important my friends and family are to me. I know how important it is to be a kind and respectful person, especially at work. I know there is no right or wrong, only understanding. I know happiness isn't something you need to find. It's just there waiting for you to embrace it. So is love.

Thank you 2011 for being the best worst year of my life.

Thank you Heather for being there when I needed you most.

Thank you Mom, Dad, and Richie for also being there now and always. It took a long time for me to get to a place where I am not afraid to love you anymore. I am very, very happy you are my family.

Thank you Matt for bringing a new kind of love into my life. I love you more than I ever thought I could love anyone. It's funny, they say real love is worth the wait. I don't think that's right, though. It's not worth the wait, it makes you feel like there wasn't a wait.

And thanks to all of you for following me on my journey this year. 2012 is going to be epic. I can feel it.

Thursday, December 29

Best. Christmas. Ever!

I had SUCH a great Christmas this year. Rippie and I went to No Idea on Thursday night, our annual pre-going-home-for-the-holidays drink up spot in the city. We went to Jackson the next day and that night I got to see my friend Annie for a bit. Saturday was filled with shopping, drinking, eating, football, movies, and midnight mass to hear my dad sing in the choir. Sunday was more eating and movies. Monday we went to my uncle's in Long Island, then made a last minute trip to Bay Ridge to see my favorite cousins Dawn, Jody, and their kids. I had so much fun with my family!! We laughed a lot and I truly enjoyed their company. YAY!

MDLL and I celebrated our Christmas last night. It was FANTASTIC. I can't stop smiling. His flight from Pittsburgh got to NYC around 6pm, so I decided to pick him up from the airport. I made a cheesy glittery sign with his last name on it to hold up and poured some vodka into a couple of seltzer water bottles so we can drink on the way home. He was glowing, I was glowing. It was all very glowy.

I really didn't know what to expect in terms of presents because MDLL never bought me one. He told me he was worried I wouldn't like what he bought. Well, he was wrong! SO WRONG!

I asked for a book on the history of the subway, which he got me. Everything else was a complete surprise: A CAMERA, because I mentioned I needed a new one like two months ago; a Captain America shield hoodie; a Star Wars lightsaber candle holder that is so friggin cool - this is what it says on the box: "You could win people over to the dark side of the Force by using mind tricks and fear tactics, but you prefer a gentler hand. A candlelit dinner, perhaps, followed by fresh-baked cookies. Let Vader's power shine over you both."; and last a Star Wars Lego toy which is creepy because I JUST decided I needed to start buying them like two weeks ago and didn't tell him! HE KNOWS ME!

I bought him a speaker dock for his iPod, a sleeve for his MacBook, the Steve Jobs book (Apple much?), Step-Brothers and MacGruber DVDs (his favorites of late), and a couple of nice cigars. He loved everything!! I KNOW HIM!

After presents he took me out for a nice steak dinner, then we came back to my place to get jiggy with it. SNOOTCH!

The past week was filled with friends, family, plenty of wonderful gifts, tons of laughs, and lots of love...easily the BEST. CHRISTMAS. EVER!

I hope your Christmas was awesome, too!!

Thursday, December 22

Yay good thoughts!

Yaaaayyy! The good thoughts worked!

I had a three day hangover. The morning nausea seems to be related to the rice cake with peanut butter I was eating for breakfast almost all week. At first I thought it was due to taking a stronger dose of Synthroid on an empty stomach. Actually it could still be that...I was fine yesterday morning when I didn't eat the rice cake and had a huge dinner the night before at Uno's. I hate going to chains in the city, but they have a gluten free menu! The pizza was okay; Mozzarelli's on 23rd Street is loads better. HIGHLY recommend it. Anyways, I didn't eat much dinner last night, ate a rice cake this morning, and voila - nausea.

Besides the morning yucks, I feel fantastic! It's been a great week! My male boss, who I guess I'll call Miron since my female boss is Iron, called me into his office and closed the door. He barely ever talks to me, so I'll admit I was a bit nervous. Well, they still love me and I'm getting a 10% bonus! Yay! Moola plans:

1.10% to charity. It's time to pay it forward! I'm thinking local NYC ones. Please let me know if you have a charity you'd like me to donate to.

2. Take MDLL out on a nice date.

3. A bunch of us are going to New Orleans for Rockstar's 40th birthday in February, so now that's paid for!

4. Boots. The weather has been so nice that I've been able to get away without a pair, but it's bound to snow soon.

5. Taxes and debt. I'm not sure what's going to happen with my taxes this year. This is my first job where I don't have ANY pre-tax deductions. Hopefully I don't end up owing. If I don't, the rest of my bonus is going right to my debt. If I do, I'm fortunate to be able to pay! I was just saying to Juniper last night that I don't mind paying taxes. I just wish I knew where it all went.

My brother Rippie is flying in from LA right now. I CAN'T WAIT TO SEE HIM! I'm heading home right at 5pm and starting my four day weekend. Next week I'll probably work from home, then I have another four day weekend. LIFE IS GRAND!

There's only one thing I'm a bit bummy about, but it's not so bad. In fact, it's better than bad - it's good!

MDLL left for Pittsburgh last night. He's gone for a week. It's the longest we've been apart, not counting our five thousand break ups. I cried!! I miss him sooooo much and I'm bummed we can't spend Christmas together. So why is this a good thing? I am so incredibly thankful and blessed to have found someone I love and know they love me back. The more I miss him, the more I know he is The One. YAAAAAYYYY!!!

Monday, December 19

Good thoughts! Healthy thoughts!

I've stayed pretty positive for a good month now. I don't want it to end! I do find myself a bit down today, though. I was a little nauseous and had the cold sweats in the evening. Once I ate dinner I felt fine.

Today I'm tired and a bit rundown. I'm trying to stay cool about it, but it's hard. I immediately go through the list of things I ate, what I did, etc., which sort of makes me feel worse because I'm playing the blame game with myself again. I don't think it's food related. It's quite possibly I'm getting my annual Christmas cold and flu.

I also have to admit to myself I went out a lot this week, more than I have in quite a while. Wednesday night MDLL came over and we almost polished off a bottle of vodka. (Sobieski is the shit!) I was in the mood to get my drink on and I succeeded! MDLL said he hadn't seen me that drunk in months. At around 1:30am I finally put myself to bed. Thursday I was hungover and hurting alllll daaaaay.

Friday I went out with my Minnow girls Ceej and Breen. It was so fun!! I miss those bitches. I drank a lot of vodka again, got home around midnight, then stayed up until 2am doing who knows what.

Saturday I woke up at 7am and couldn't go back to sleep. I went to yoga at 11am then took a two hour nap before heading into the city to do some Christmas shopping. I went to MDLL's apartment on my way home for dinner (delicious gluten-free pizza from Mozzarelli's!) and planned on calling it an early night. It didn't happen. We went to the Crazy Ass holiday party around 10pm and left at around 2am to carry home the flat screen TV he won at their raffle. WOO HOOO!! We were up until about 3am setting it up and watching a bit of Star Wars.

The NEXT morning (haven't you missed these kinds of posts?) I woke up at 8am, couldn't go back to sleep, blah blah blah skip to feeling crappy in the evening until I ate dinner. I slept a solid ten hours and I might do it again tonight.

The Steelers are playing Monday Night Football, so I told MDLL I'd come over and watch the game with him. I think I need to just go home. I don't want to get sick and we have a date tomorrow night anyways. He's going home to Pittsburgh for a week on Wednesday, so I want to spend tomorrow with him before he leaves. I'm really sad we aren't spending Christmas together. Here's hoping we will from now on!

Anyhoooo...I wrote this post for myself. I mean, I write all of them for myself, but I'm bummed about not feeling well and I need to stop freaking out...

Dear Thighs,

I know we've been through a lot this year and you're worried it's going to get bad again. It won't! I PROMISE. Just two weeks ago we had a gluten attack and felt awesome after a few days. It will pass! Every Christmas we get some sort of bug or flu, so that's very well what could be happening right now. Also, we partied a lot this week, so it could be a massive drawn out hangover. We're still healthy overall!

Relax. We didn't do anything wrong, except act like we're a drunk twenty-something again. Stop feeling guilty you're hurting our body. The guilt is making you feel worse. Next time we have to remember we don't like being hungover and we need our sleep!

Self-inflicted boozing ills aside, sickness is a part of life. It's going to happen no matter how hard we try to avoid it. Say something did happen, what do we know now? We know we like and trust our doctor, we know we have good support in our friends, we know Mom and Dad will come running to our rescue, and we know we will be strong and face it head on. We are not alone.

Go home, relax, watch TV, and got to bed early. After a good night's sleep tonight, I'm sure we'll feel like a zillion bucks tomorrow.



Wednesday, December 14

MY Struggles

I woke up this morning and reread my last post. It occurred to me these aren’t world struggles; they are MY world struggles. World struggles would include famine, disease, war, lack of freedom, things I am fortunate enough to not have to live with and hopefully never will.

I am lucky to live in a country where everyone has a voice, an opinion, and freedom. I am lucky to have a life in which I am not stressing out about feeding myself, my kids, paying a mortgage, or trying to find work. My good life has afforded me the opportunity to focus on issues that do not directly concern me. Instead of seeing this as a burden, I now think of it as a gift. Do you think a single mother with five kids cares about the TLC show losing advertisers? Fuck no.

On my way to work this morning I had a moment of clarity. I exited the train with a furrowed brow and heavy heart, deep in thought about my post. The stairway out of the station was packed for pedestrian rush hour and here was this dumb lady allowing her two year old daughter to slowly walk up each step on her own. I was so irritated. Pick up your fucking kid and get out of our way!

As I rushed pass them, a heard a man behind me ask, “Do you need help?” The woman’s response was dripping with gratitude, “YES! THANK YOU!” Here I was caught up in my own bullshit, ignoring the fact this woman was carrying a stroller while her daughter walked in front of her. It did not occur to me she couldn’t carry both of them. Ironic after I just wrote how proud I am of my common courteous, right?

I laughed out loud. It was exactly what I needed to feel better and get my head out of my ass. There is no right and wrong. There is only understanding.

The world is suffering. This is not pessimistic, it’s the truth. Chances are I will not be able to change it on a larger scale. All I can do is change my perspective and make MY world meet my expectations. I want a world filled with PLUR, an acronym a heard from my club days – peace, love, unity, and respect.

If the world is suffering, if death is inevitable, there is no reason to stress about it. Accepting this may sound like giving up, but it’s not. Acknowledging the dark makes the light seem that much brighter. If I want to make a difference, all I need to do is shine my own light bright and empower others to do the same.

Another safety tip...

If you live alone, do not have your full name on your mailbox or buzzer. Thieves can scope out an apartment to rob by doing this, figure out who you are, when you leave, and break in. Worse things can happen if you are home and they don't care.

Instead of having your full name, just have your last name. This way no one knows if it's one person, a couple, or a family. If that's not possible, ladies at least just have your first initial and full last name. Unless you're Pat or Chris, it will be obvious you're a chick on your lonesome.

Sorry, just something to think about.

Tuesday, December 13

World Struggles

The beginning of this year I was so focused on surviving that nothing else seemed to matter. No, I wasn't dying. I didn't have cancer or AIDS or something horrible. I was sick, confused, depressed, and afraid because I didn't know what was happening to me. Now that I'm healthy again something has shifted.

If you've noticed some of my recent posts are about the world beyond the Thighs bubble. I have a new perspective and outlook on my life. Things that stressed me out to no end - issues with work, boys, friends, money, etc. - don't seem as devastating as they did a year ago. Don't get me wrong; I still get anxious if something is troubling me in these areas, but the feeling doesn't last as long. I'm learning to acknowledge the issue and take action only when I can do so in a way that is respectful to both myself and the other person (if one is involved).

Naturally if I'm becoming less focused on Me, I'm beginning to focus on the We, as in mankind.

I never liked watching the news because I hate what I see and hear. I hate hearing about rapes, murders, crime, the economy, religious fanaticism, politics, name it and chances are I'd rather put my head in the sand than hear about any of this shit.

It's time I grew up. I AM growing up, right before my eyes. I care what happens in my community. I want to know what's happening in the world. And I want to know how I can help. The problem is I don't know HOW to help on a larger scale.

I take great pride in the fact that I have become a nice, caring, and polite woman. I help old ladies cross the street, give food to the homeless, hold doors for people, and always say my pleases and thank yous. I am a big believer in the pay it forward concept. I think people respond well to kindness and are usually kind in return. Love really does conquer all. I realized my biggest obstacle in life was to learn how to accept and give love without fear. I haven't mastered this by any means, but I am trying. At least now I know.

It is a challenge to be kind and love some days. Today was one of them. I felt great this morning until I read this article. I heard some advertisers stopped airing their commercials during the TLC show All-American Muslim last week, but I didn't know the details. Once I read how an Anti-Muslim group in Florida influenced companies to pull their ads (Lowes Hardware being the most vocal about their decision), I was infuriated. RED SHE-HULK ANGRY. I've been on the verge of tears all day ever since I read it. Not all Muslims are terrorists just like all Christians and Catholics aren't ignorant fucks, you ignorant fucks!

I became so incredibly angry, not just about about this article, but hate in general. The hate all over the internet and television is making me sick to my stomach. Honestly I am more upset about what is happening in the world now than I was witnessing 9/11. Granted I've still got some hidden post-traumatic stress lurking in my psyche from that day, but I'm working through it.

I am a white, blonde haired, blue eyed, upper middle class Christian. At least I was raised Christian. Today I believe in a higher power, one with no sect, that lives in each of us. Mine is Shian. Yours is something else.

In my idealistic world, everyone would be equal. You can celebrate any God you want, marry who you want, be who you want. There would be universal healthcare, free education, and environmental respect. We would nurture each other because we are all one. Hold on...I'm going to smoke a bowl and hug a tree real quick.

What troubles me about this is, my ideal world is MY ideal world. Every single person has their own ideal world. Who is right?

Using abortion as an example, I am strongly pro-choice. I don't understand how a woman could NOT be pro-choice. That being said, I am anti-abortion for myself. Luckily I've never gotten pregnant, so I never had to choose. I just know me and I would absolutely regret my decision, even if it was the best one for the baby. Now an anti-abortionist would have their own strong views on the subject. We could debate it for the rest of our lives, but neither of us will budge. I feel I'm right because it's a woman's own personal choice that has nothing to do with me, so why should I stop her from doing it? The anti-abortionist feels she's right because the fetus doesn't have a voice of its own and she feels the need to speak for the unborn child.

This brings me back to my problem. I want to make a difference on a larger scale, but basically what I'm saying is I want to change other people's perspectives and opinions to be inline with my own. Wouldn't that mean forming an Anti-Anti-Muslim group? If I boycott Lowes for not sharing my beliefs, aren't I just as bad as they are? I don't think the government should stop a woman from having an abortion or gays to marry, but just because I think this, should both be legal? I can hear people say, yes because it's the right thing to do, but who is defining right??

Sigh. I'm losing my train of thought now. I'm struggling with the world today. While I'm confused and feeling things are a bit hopeless, it is nice to finally care.

Monday, December 12


Bernice, my first real Christmas tree!

Why Bernice? I don't know, the name just popped into my head as I was cutting the netting off. It totally fits because now that her branches are dropping she has a nice big booty.


Thursday, December 8

Astoria Part 2

I decided to send my Astoria post to a local neighborhood website and post it on Facebook. I received such lovely feedback! Writing means everything to me; to have people appreciate it (Thighs followers included!) is a wonderful feeling.

In the week since I wrote the post there has been a murder, an attempted murder (same shooter and family), a rape, and two armed robberies. Who knows how many unreported crimes have happened as well.

I love New York. I really do. I feel safer in Manhattan than I do any other city. I'm not so sure about Astoria now. Times are different. Occupy Wall Street has opened my eyes to the social inequalities that have always been there, but I was too young and/or blind to see them. I am part of the 99%, yet my salary actually makes me part of the 25%. I am single, no dependents, renting, carless, and although I pay a shitload of money to my COBRA health insurance and my ridiculous credit card debt, I still have plenty of disposable income. I understand the 1% makes at least five times the salary I do, but can I honestly look at someone on welfare and say, "We're both the 99%?" Of course not. And I know that isn't the point of the OWS movement.

The thing is imagine you live in the Astoria projects. All of a sudden you see these yuppies moving in close to your turf without a care in the world. Sure I was making shit money when I worked in Publishing early on, but I wasn't poor. I chose to become poor by living beyond my means and without a roommate, hence the debt. I did it to myself.

How would you feel if you're struggling to pay your bills and feed your kids while your new upper middle class neighbors are dressing up as zombies and doing a pub crawl? How would you feel if you're a teen watching your parents (or parent) struggle? How would you feel if you're working two jobs to make ends meet and see hundreds of iPod listening, cellphone talking, Kindle reading people on the subway?

Believe me, I am not condoning crime nor am I saying we should feel guilty over our successes. NOT AT ALL. All I am saying is I can see why people are tempted to strike the neighborhood now. There's always been a lot of money in Astoria, but (from what I know) this is the first time it's spreading across into areas without it.

I'm not sure what to do about any of this, except write and give out my two cent safety tips. Here's another one:

Ladies, if I'm walking alone at night, sometimes I'll put my wallet in my back pocket, my keys in my front pocket, and my phone in my jacket (if I'm wearing one) even if I'm carrying a purse. My thought is, if someone mugs me, chances are they'll only want my bag. I know a lot of you carry thick wallets, so at the very least put your license in a pocket. This way if they take your bag, they won't know where you live. If they take your bag with your ID and keys, then smarter criminals will break into your apartment.

I realize some of my posts of late can read crazy. THE END IS NIGH!! I don't think that at all. In fact, I believe 2012 will be a great year of transformation and new beginnings. I want to make sure everyone I care about will enjoy it. Neighbors included.

Wednesday, December 7


A couple of my friends know this woman on Facebook.

Add a "t", swap out a couple of "a"s for "o"s and it becomes my mom's name.

Cracks me up every time I see it!

Tuesday, December 6


In cleaning out my books on Sunday I found a Lisa Frank tin with the following inside:

1. The tail and snake to a Todd McFarlane's Toys Spawn Series Medusa plastic figure

2. Wonder Woman Pez dispenser

3. A She-Ra watch

4. A ballerina slipper pin my grandmother gave me probably around thirty years ago

5. One of Barbie Alice in Wonderland's shoes

6. A prism ball I took off of a chandelier at the Regent Diner in Howell, NJ when I was seventeen. It was one of my favorite things to play with while tripping.

If you ever wondered if I was a weirdo, now you know.


Life is really good. I've never felt this blessed, fortunate, or alive. It's been an amazing year of ups and downs, tears and laughs, happiness and well, happiness. I almost wrote sadness, but I don't feel sad anymore.

I'll save the details for my 2011 in review post. Today I'm having a physical down. The nice thing is I don't feel mentally, spiritually, or emotionally down at the same time. It's not the superfecta of pain I experienced earlier this year.

My diet is basically back to what it used to be, sans gluten. Hold the wheat, barley, and rye, please! I'm still not drinking beer, eating bread, pasta, pizza, or many processed foods. All is not lost, though. There are plenty of tacos, nachos (hold the chili), burgers (hold the bun), fries, etc. to hold me over. My sensitivity to gluten hasn't stopped me from eating out or having a few drinks. In fact, going without glutenous foods has been amazingly easy and educational. I've learned that clean eating is clean living. I also learned Dr. Atkins was right; you want to keep weight off, limit your carbs! I'm still only 160 pounds even after bringing my calories up to about 2,000 a day.

On Saturday I went to my friend Brauny's housewarming party. I always eat a big meal beforehand or bring snacks to people's apartments just in case I can't eat what they are serving. Luckily I have very thoughtful friends who go out of their way to pick up gluten free things, ie chips, hummus, veggies. You know who you are - THANK YOU!

I pretty much stuck to what I could drink and eat without a problem. And boy did I drink. I must have had at least six or seven VOKA drinks (I apparently say "vodka" without the "d") and had sips of eggnog and delicious whiskey. In my drunken stupor I decided the cannolis were too good to pass up. RUH-ROH, SHAGGY.

Sorry folks, the only way I can describe how I ate the cannoli is to say I sucked and fingered it to ensure I was only eating the cream and not the cookie part. FA! Unfortunately, I ended up eating some big crumbs anyways. Dumb 2am decision.

The next morning I was pretty hungover, naturally. I haven't drank that much in a while. I was able to power through and get a lot of shit done. I went food shopping at my usual three stores - Associated for boxed things, Organics for All for gluten free cereal (so good!), and Y & Y Green Market for produce. I went through all of my books and have near a hundred to donate to the library. I decorated my apartment for Christmas, finally putting white lights and snow around my living room like I've always wanted. All of this while watching the Jets and Giants games. It was a FANTASTIC Sunday.

Then I ate sushi. Sushi hasn't been a problem for me to date. It's gluten free as long as you steer clear of fried ingredients and not use too much soy sauce. Some brands have gluten in the caramel coloring. I don't know why.

Two hours later I was in horrible pain and extremely nauseous. I took a good dump, then doubled over in the fetal position and cried. Crying always makes me feel better. Fortunately my parents were already on their way up. They were in Staten Island all day and wanted to go to the Bronx for cheesecake on Monday, so they asked to crash last minute. They were still about thirty minutes away when I was glutened, so I called MDLL.

MDLL was watching football all day and was still at the bar when I called. I told him what was happening and said he didn't have to come over, that I just wanted someone to talk to until my parents got there. In true knight in shining armor fashion he sternly said, "Thighs. Stop it. I'll be there in ten minutes." hopped into a cab and came over. He walked in, pulled me into his lap, and rocked me while I sobbed. It was the sweetest thing.

When my parents arrived, it was a disgusting lovefest. I was so happy to have everyone there. I felt very loved and cared for, that is until the three of them starting making fun of me, then ate sandwiches and brownies while I'm lying on the floor. Ah, family! We aim to tease.

Yesterday I felt okay. I was still hunching over, but I felt well enough to get to work and therapy. I ate very plainly to help my tummy heal. Today didn't go so well, though. I woke up feeling fine, then didn't have much energy. I shuffled my way to the subway, stood on the train, and then the shit hit the fan again. It was the same thing that happened back in January when I went to the ER. Sweat was pouring out of me. No joke - my hair was soaked, my clothes were damp, I could feel the sweat down my legs and in my socks. I wiped my brow and had a puddle in my hand. I got super dizzy and almost yelled timber when a seat freed up. I sat down to stop from passing out.

I zombie walked out of 5th Avenue station, hailed a cab and went right to my doctor's office. Ironically I was there last week for a check-up. We were both ecstatic over how well I feel now. I cannot recommend Dr. Amy Bleyer from Murray Hill Medical enough. Bacon, thank you so much for sending me to her!!

Dr. Bleyer saw me right away. She thinks it was the sushi rather than the cannoli because of the timeline. Or it could be a combination of the cannoli, the soy sauce and whatever is in the tuna roll hit the max amount of gluten my body can handle. She gave me a prescription for Prilosec to lower the acidity in my stomach, a muscle relaxer to help ease the pain in my core, said I shouldn't have gone to work yesterday, and need to rest. I love that Dr. Bleyer takes me and my non-diagnosed celiac seriously. I obviously have SOMETHING wrong with me and not eating gluten makes me feel better. Dr. Bleyer supports and encourages me to listen to my gut, literally.

I might lose some of you with this therapy I asked Cee if we could sit with my pain and understand it. Have I mentioned focusing? It's a wonderful way to become in tune with yourself and others. I'll write more about it another day. Last night I focused on my pain and two words immediately came to me: "empty existence."

After some thought, I've come to believe my gluten intolerance is a blessing. Prior to this year, my body, soul, and mind was malnourished. I fed myself empty calories, made empty decisions, and had empty thoughts. It makes me wonder if digestive problems are only related to food. Is it possible the body reacts to other things we are unable to digest, like life struggles and negativity? A lot of people eat and drink their feelings. Wouldn't it make sense that eventually our bodies find a way to do what we aren't capable to do mentally and emotionally, ie stop drinking, smoking, or overeating?

I need to sit with the "existence" part of the phrase. Maybe if I am malnourished, I exist, but not to my fullest potential...

See? How can I be upset with being glutened when it gives me food for thought?