2011 Year in Review: I didn't know.

2011 is coming to an end tomorrow. I can't believe it. I MADE IT!

In a conversation with myself this morning, the theme of this year became clear:

I didn't know.

I didn't know a lot of things about myself, my life, and my world before 2011. Here is what I know now:

I know I am a good, decent, caring person. I know I am sensitive, empathic, and resilient. I know I won't give up on myself or others. I know my limits, my weaknesses, and my strengths. For the first time in my life, I know and love Me.

I knew Boob Saga shook me last summer, but I didn't know how much it would change my life...

Cee said it's possible I had post-traumatic stress disorder for the last sixteen years. Some doctors have found PTSD can stunt a person's emotional and mental growth, keeping them frozen in time from when the trauma occurred. I believe it. The angst and pain I've felt my entire adult life was strangely immature, like I was still a teenager. Read the last four years of Thighs for proof!

I now believe once my implant was removed, my body and soul purged everything. The last few months of 2010 were filled with sharing and recovering from Boob Saga, confronting my fears about 9/11 and my stove, sleepless nights, anxiety, and lots of tears. 2011 started with seven months of a sick slumber. When I awoke I found love.

I love myself, my friends, my family, my boyfriend, my job, my home, my city, my gods. Everything. The implant was in my left breast covering my heart for sixteen years. I believe once it was removed, my heart was free to love again.

My body continued purging long after my surgery. It transformed itself. Being sick this year was the best thing that ever happened to me. I can no longer drink beer, eat crap food, or blow it out every night. My body won't let me. It saved me from my self-sabotaging ways.

I learned so much this year. I know how important my friends and family are to me. I know how important it is to be a kind and respectful person, especially at work. I know there is no right or wrong, only understanding. I know happiness isn't something you need to find. It's just there waiting for you to embrace it. So is love.

Thank you 2011 for being the best worst year of my life.

Thank you Heather for being there when I needed you most.

Thank you Mom, Dad, and Richie for also being there now and always. It took a long time for me to get to a place where I am not afraid to love you anymore. I am very, very happy you are my family.

Thank you Matt for bringing a new kind of love into my life. I love you more than I ever thought I could love anyone. It's funny, they say real love is worth the wait. I don't think that's right, though. It's not worth the wait, it makes you feel like there wasn't a wait.

And thanks to all of you for following me on my journey this year. 2012 is going to be epic. I can feel it.