Saturday, July 31

You and Your Johnson

Friday, July 30

Aww...that's why.

I was just reapplying my Noxzema when I realized why the smell gives me the warm and fuzzies. Obviously if I was out in the sun I must have been having some fun (rhyme!), but I think it's more than that...

My mom was always nice to me when I was sunburned. It was probably her guilt for not protecting me from skin cancer, but whatever. She was nice.

Happy Bridge Day!

Bella and I were going to make our summer Friday a Brooklyn Day, complete with a walk over the bridge, Grimaldi's, Warhol exhibit at the museum of art, and the botanical gardens. She ended up going to Philly though so we postponed it for a later date (let me know if you'd like to join!).

When I woke up and saw how beautiful it was out this morning, I decided I couldn't pass up the non-disgusting weather and did part of Brooklyn Day on my own. I walked over the Brooklyn Bridge, then walked back over the Manhattan one. Thus, Bridge Day!

I can't believe I've never walked over the Brooklyn Bridge before. It is GORGEOUS. Today was GORGEOUS. You're all GORGEOUS. It was the perfect way to spend a beautiful day outside. Check out my pics.* My favorite:

After the bridge walk I headed over to Grimaldi's for some famous brick-oven pizza. Unfortunately, they don't serve slices and I didn't want to get stuck lugging a pie around town, so all I did was use their bathroom. I finally made it there only to pee.

I did get some ice cream at the Brooklyn Ice Cream Factory and a taco at the Calexico stand. DELISH. I am obsessed with finding good tacos. The steak one is the bomb. Oh and the Brooklyn Bridge Park is really nice. You should go to there.

Dumbo is pretty cool. I like how youthful and creative it feels, at least on the two blocks I walked down to get to the Manhattan Bridge. The MB isn't as nice as the BB, but it has some cool views.

On my way home I stopped off at Midtown Comics to buy some random issues I needed and the last installment of Scott Pilgrim. I hope it's crappy out my next summer Friday, August 13th because I will probably be in the theater all day. Both Scott Pilgrim vs. The World and The Expendables open. I CANNOT WAIT. Romantic geekism and old man action star carnage. Best movie day all year!

Now I'm a bit bored, something I rarely am! I should clean and do laundry. I discovered a bag of clothes in my closet waiting to be hand-washed or dry cleaned for at least three years now. I found six shirts I forgot I owned. Score! I'd also like to go on my roof and read, but I got a lot of sun today. I'm usually really good with the sunscreen, but I missed two big spots on my back right under my shoulders. I really should stop wearing tanktops because my "tan" lines are looking pretty ridiculous. Maybe I should get some tube tops** or something. I'm covered in Noxzema right now. It's a surprisingly fond olfactory memory of my childhood, surprising because I was usually painfully burnt with the cold sweats whenever I had it on. Ah, the life of an albino.

What to do, what to do. Tomorrow will be a big day, a lovely visit with Leeks and the Mighty Cale at the beer garden and Juniper's 30th birthday party. Happy Birthday, Juniper! Happy Birthday to Tobly, too! (Not sure if you read this...I'm sorry I'm missing your party of gayness!)

Oooo...yesterday could have been a really crappy day at work. My boss's boss's boss actually ripped up an analysis I ran because he didn't like it. Can you believe that? He also throws things, makes racist and sexist remarks, and is a full on psychopath. Fun, right? The reason I said it "could have been" crappy is because I chose to not let it bother me. When I got back to my desk I went on gmail and my friend Jase's status said "Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional." Once I read that I chose not to suffer and was fine. I've been doing this a lot lately - consciously deciding how I want to respond to a situation. It makes me feel so much better! It's not about ignoring feelings, it's about being mindful of them and the situation itself. I could have been upset, but why? What would that accomplish? I've known this job isn't for me, I've known he is a very damaged man, and I know that one day I'll forget I even worked at Minnow. So why get worked up? It's just not worth it.

You read that?? I conquered my job mania! Yay! Now if only I could be this zen when it comes to love and dating...siiigh...

Oh and I totally need to go to the beach soon. I was DYING to go for a swim in the East River. That's how you know I really miss the ocean.

Double oh, I totally want to start playing pool a lot again. I miss that, too.

Triple oh, I'm not bored anymore! It's time for some Avatar. Not only did I want to swim in the East River, but I tried to waterbend it, too.

It totally worked.

*Is there a better site to use than Picasa? I hate that you have to upload the pictures one by one. Am I missing something?

**Do people still say tube tops? I call purses "pocketbooks" so I guess it really doesn't matter...

Thursday, July 29

Go to bed!

It's after 1am. I shouldn't be writing. I should be in bed. I know once I pop I won't stop, just like Pringles.

I'm drunk. No I'm not. I'm tired, but I did have four beers tonight so it's like beer-tired vs. tired-tired. I tried to figure out how many beers I drank in the last 10 years. I estimate I drink about 12 a week now, which means I probably averaged 18 a week in my early twenties. Why does 7,800 beers seem like so few??

Last night with Mick was great. Exactly what I wanted. We finally said everything we wanted to say to each other. I've liked him this whole time and was too much of a pussy to admit it, so instead I did stupid things to fight my feelings. I haven't shared this yet, but I was a bit of an asshole to him a couple of times, too. Like the time I wrote this long random email about how I didn't want anything serious with him or the time we were making out and I asked if he'd mind if I dated one of his friends. Yeah, I'm a schmuck. We've been equally schmucky to each other. Maybe this makes us soulmates. Schmuckmates. It's sad to think we sabotaged our relationship before it got a chance to start.

I'm not quite sure what will happen next. Probably nothing as he's dating that girl now. I guess this is for the best because I'm still a bit of a mess. (Rhyme?) As I wrote in my last post I realized that I've been scared shitless to date since Tat and Banana. Reasons I'm scared: having to break up with someone, having someone dump me, and getting married. So basically I'm scared of every possible dating outcome. Not good.

I decided I need to break through my fears, so this evening I made myself call that bartender from Saturday night, the one with the same real name as Banana. Let's call him Fiver, as he wrote his phone number on a five dollar bill. I left him a message and he called back about an hour later saying I should pop by the bar. I thought it was a little weird to go see him after having such a nice time with Mick last night, but I went anyways.

Um, Fiver is hot. Off the boat Irish hot. And he talked to me a lot too, not like the Crazy Ass owner I went to see a few weeks ago. Did I write about that? Crazy Ass owner told me to come by the bar so we can hang out and get to know each other. I went and he talked to me for all of seven minutes, then ignored my presence for the next twenty. It was really weird. Luckily Fiver was very attentive and cool, so I had a good time. Then this really sexy Black Irish girl came in (you know, pale skin and dark hair) and I almost creamed myself. She oozed sex. Seriously. Maybe she was a vampire. I couldn't take my eyes off of her and she couldn't take her eyes off of Fiver, so I knew I was screwed. He went over to talk to her and they were pretty touchy feely so yeah, done done little done done. At least I got free beer out of him.

Man, I don't know what it was about that girl. I wanted to be her and caress her. I guess that means I want to caress myself? I do have unusually soft skin for someone who doesn't moisturize. Maybe it's the sunscreen.

Fiver said he'd call me. I don't know, those two looked kind of cozy but maybe hot people are just like that. Also I do have the no dating bartenders or actors rule. After I hooked up with Krull a couple of years ago I realized my hours aren't flexible enough and I'm not secure enough to date a bartender. And actors are just fucking annoying. I wish they had an off button.

What an interesting boy week so it only Wednesday? Oh wait, technically it's Thursday now. Yay for fake Friday (I have off real Friday)!

Alrighty, I'm off to bed. Good night, schmuckmates!

Monday, July 26

I don't feel like writing.

So I'm not going to.

I was watching a rerun of The Office earlier, an old Valentine's Day one where Phyllis gets a ton of gifts from Bob Vance, Vance Refrigeration and Michael goes to the Dunder Mifflin headquarters in NY. Interesting to note: the headquarters is actually Minnow's building. He walked right into the lobby, but he went up the bank side and not our side. Even fictional characters don't want to go to there.

That was mean. GET THIS. Tennis and I went out for drinks after work on Friday. CAN YOU BELIEVE IT??? I finally figured out if I keep my cool and act like he's my friend, he'll be nice to me. Buy-me-five-Guinness nice!!

The chair I'm sitting on makes my butt all sweaty and my legs fall asleep. I have to take off my pants and sit on a pillow if I'm going to be on the computer for more than a half hour. It's been 38 minutes. You're welcome.

Last week was low-key. I came right home after work every night, except Friday. I made up for my weekday non-drinking that night and on Saturday, too. Bakes and I had one of our monthly Astoria pub crawls. We met at 1pm and parted ways at 1am. It was a fun day. Thank god for her quote book. I would have forgotten such gems as "foot vagina" in regards to this friggin' informercial I can't find anywhere online and Miller High Life's new spiritual nickname Mi-Hi-Li. When ordering place your hands in prayer position and bow your head as you chant.

It was FINALLY cool enough to go for a run this morning. Yay! This summer blows. I hate this weather. I'd move to California if it wasn't for the driving and the earthquakes and the bars closing early and the weird lack of sarcasm and the...oh, nevermind.

I'm watching Avatar: The Last Airbender. It is such an amazing cartoon. I'm only halfway through the first season and I already love it. Getting rid of my cable was a great call. Now I'm actually watching shows that are worth watching.

Today's my dad's birthday. I feel a little guilty about not going down to NJ yesterday, but I needed a day to myself at home. I cleaned, watched tv, listened to some Sabbath, sat on my roof, meditated, wrote. It was a good day.

Tomorrow night I'm meeting some friends after work for a bit, then meeting Mick in the hood after. It's the first time we're hanging out all month. I'm so glad I'll finally see him and get it over with. If you haven't noticed I tend to get a bit worked up about things, analyze the shit out of my feelings, then need immediate closure. Well I sorted my feelings and realized what all this was about: I haven't been trusting myself.

Ending it with Tat was really hard for me. It took me a good month and a half to finally go through with it. I had to be sure breaking up was what needed to happen. I didn't want to hurt him if it was just me being scared. When I did make the decision, it felt empowering. Not to hurt him, of course. I felt empowered because I trusted myself and took action.

Unfortunately, the feeling didn't last long because a month later I was hurt by Banana. I truly believed he was the one for me, that fate brought us together again, blah blah blah. Obviously he wasn't. I'm wondering if somewhere in my mind I decided that if I was so incredibly wrong about him, then I shouldn't trust myself anymore. This might be why I've been so complacent about my job, wishy washy about Mick, and flakier than usual. (Yes I know I'm flaky, which is such a flake thing to say.)

I figured this out yesterday after meeting a guy Saturday night who has the same name as Banana. Real name obviously. It made me think about what connected the three experiences. I broke Tat's heart (he's over it), Banana broke mine (I'm over it, today anyways), and I didn't bother to take the time to sort out my feelings about Mick to ultimately avoid either of us from having a broken heart. I guess it worked, but as I mentioned before, being honest with myself and each other would have been much easier.

I also thought about names in general. How I'm drawn to guys with Tat's real name, how Mick and Red have the same real name and have brought deep feelings and truths out of me. How Furball and Mr. J have the same real name and my feelings for them are similar as well. Granted they all have very common names and not everyone I've met with those monikers have impacted me, but I do think it's interesting. It reminds me of the time my college roommate Katy and I went to a psychic. She asked Katy to think about her boyfriend. When the psychic described him and their relationship it was a strange combination of her ex and current boyfriends who were both named Eric. I wondered if all Katy's energy was sending out the message "Eric", maybe the psychic couldn't separate the two. It's just an idea...

Eh whatever. I don't feel like writing. I'll go look for the foot vagina video instead. I will find it goddamnsonuva!

Saturday, July 24

Tuesday, July 20

I hate you, heatwave!



Facebook vs. Thighs

If we're Facebook friends you might be wondering why I don't just link to Thighs to share my pictures. I can't because of all the guys I pine over/complain about. It wouldn't be fair to them to find out about my blog that way. Plus the new thing to do when you start dating someone is to friend them and having a guy read this before he gets to know me is a bit much. I've learned from past experience. FINALLY.

Monday, July 19


The trip was fun! Pittsburgh is much cooler than I thought it would be. Actually I barely knew anything about the city except that it bleeds black and gold. It turns out that besides Steelers fans, Pittsburgh is filled with bridges, churches, french fries, and craft beer. Yes, please!

Check out my pics! The rundown:

1. Drive wasn't bad at all. Decent rental, good tunes, and AC that didn't slow the car down. I'd say travel time was about 20 hours in total, including stoppage time.

2. One of the stops was to Troegs Brewery in Harrisburg. We didn't do the tour, but we did partake in the sampler. We thought it would be a shot glass of each beer on tap, but to our pleasant surprise we got about 4oz per glass. And it only cost $8!!

3. Cool architecture galore!

4. The Andy Warhol Museum was very cool as well. We couldn't take any pictures inside, so I found this video to share one of my favorite exhibits. It's called Silver Clouds. I giggled the whole time.

5. BEERBEERBEER! There were so many to choose from! Ones to mention are Stone 14th Anniversary Empirical IPA and my new favorite, Rogue John John Juniper. We also drank $2.50 Genesee Cream Ales to even things out.

6. I keep writing "we" without sharing who WE were! Thanks to Rocks and Bakes for coming with me on another baseball adventure. I had a blast! You're both great company!

7. FOODFOODFOOD! Pittsburghers (is that what they are called?) put french fries on everything, even salad. YES. SALAD. I will prove this once Bakes uploads her pictures. Granted we were at a place called EatnPark, but still.

Primanti's puts fries and coleslaw right on their sandwiches. It was good, but the Rutgers Grease Trucks are better. I definitely recommend Fathead's for their million item menu and craft beer selection.

8. The bar crowds were either really young or really old. People between 26 and 40 did not seem to exist in Pittsburgh. If they do, they were at home with their spouses and children. Or, you know, just drinking at a different bar. We did hit around seven though...

9. I am really good at this. Punching: $3.

10. We stayed at the Doubletree in Bigelow Square, but pronouced it dooblahtra to make it fancy. They had cookies.

11. Rocks showed me how to do different types of planks. My abs still hurt.

12. Last but not least, the whole point of the trip...BASEBALL!

The Pirates kind of stink, but PNC Park does not. While it's small and has a similar layout to all the newer stadiums, the view makes it worth the trip:

I must say the ballpark isn't very Piratey, though. They didn't even sell eye patches! What the fuck?? The things I really did like were they named the bridge leading into the stadium after Roberto Clemente, his and Honus Wagner's statues, and the tribute to the Crawfords, Pittsburgh's Negro League back in the day.

I am so glad I watched Ken Burns' Baseball documentary before this trip (I still need to write about that!). Josh Gibson and Satchel Paige were two of the best baseball players of all time. Unfortunately, MLB wouldn't allow blacks to play in what the owners called "a gentleman's agreement", an unwritten "no negros allowed" policy. Ignorant fucks. Paige eventually did get into the majors in 1948. Gibson would have too, but he died a few months before Jackie Robinson went to the Brooklyn Dodgers. More on this when I write about the series, but cool to note - Gibson was called "The Black Babe Ruth", but fans who watched them both play actually called Ruth "The White Josh Gibson."

Hmmm...what else is there to say about the Pirates game? It wasn't that good, they lost against the Astros 2-5. I'm glad they won the next two. Their mascot is a parrot. Most teams have a silly race between innings, usually with more mascots or a video representing something basebally or from the team/city. For example, at the Cyclones game they had hotdogs. Relish was a fast one. Mustard let me down:

In Pittsburgh they have perogies. I had no idea what the correlation was so I looked it up. It's as easy as Mrs. T's sponsors the race. They have names too: JalapeƱo Hannah (green hat), Cheese Chester (yellow), Sauerkraut Saul (red) and Oliver Onion (purple). Told you it was silly.

Well I guess that's it!!! I'd definitely recommend a quick visit to Pittsburgh. If it was closer I'd totally go back during football season. Shit must be insane.

Thursday, July 15

Hummina hummina

In t-minus 8 hours I will be roadtripping it to Pittsburgh for a Pirates game. My seventeenth ballpark. I'm finally going to break the halfway mark. Holla!!

California was my big trip of the year and jesus christ, April feels like decades ago. Seriously, I'm pretty sure I mentioned this before - I have ZERO concept of time. It's all one straight line that extends for eons. My last post was only three days ago and I had to check to see what I last wrote. I'm surprised I even remembered I have a blog!

So what's new with me? Nothing. Lots of things.

1. My grandmother had a stroke a few weeks ago. My dad and I visited her on Saturday. She's doing really well considering. I don't remember the last time I saw her (see previous paragraph). She's my only living grandparent and it's sad to admit I barely know the woman. My mom made it a point to protect my brother and I from my dad's side of the family. I'm sure I'll share why one day. Still a shame though. We have the same hands.

2. The Mick drama has officially eaten my brain. I tried to make it easy for him by being cool, giving him a nice friendship out to keep things light, but he continues to blow me off then writes really sweet texts/emails to apologize. I failed. Or he did. Whatever. Maybe I'll make out with some rednecks this weekend.

3. Notice I said "make out." I haven't whored it up in ages and now I know I can't handle banging friends either anymore. Sex is strictly for guys I'm dating. Sincerely.

4. Interesting work week. I don't care to say much more. All that matters is I got paid today, I have a summer Friday tomorrow, and I'm most likely taking a halfday on Monday to sleep in after the roadtrip.

5. My boobs look really good lately.

6. The other day I ate some Pirate's Booty and got it all over my face. I was still hungry so I decided to get some minty crack, aka Peppermint Pattie. As I was buying it, I said to Breen "I'm going to have Peppermint Pattie Booty face." (Mishka, this was for you to explain my FB status. Yes, I still need help but at least now you know what I was talking about!)

7. I saw this beautiful pink sky with a woman's face in a cloud. It may have been me, but I'm not sure...

8. I bought a cool necklace at Ann Taylor Loft, but I'm going to return it because I'd rather spend the money on beer. Drunken priorities.

9. When I get back from Pittsburgh I am SERIOUSLY looking for a new gig. To go back to #4, I am sick of wasting my time at a company that doesn't get shit done. Fuck em. Momma needs to feel contributory, challenged, and accomplished.

10. I didn't know that I knew "contributory" was a word.

11. I am still on a crazy taco kick. I should just be gay.

12. After work I came straight home to clean, pack, and shave so that I don't have to do any of it in the morning. As I was shaving my legs I thought, "I should shave my hootenanny as well." I've never referred to my vag as a hootenanny before, but now it is one for life.

13. I actually drank Coronas at a bar tonight. For a beer snob, that's low. I'm still in shock.

14. I finished True Blood season 2. Eric is soooo fucking hot despite his blonde hair. I hate blonde guys! They usually look like little girls to me, but holy balls, Eric is a sexy exception.

15. I'm five episodes into It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia. I like how assholey everyone is! I hear it only gets better.

16. Gosh I'm up to 16 already? I guess I should go to bed.

17. I love NYC with all my heart, but I have to admit I am pretty psyched to get the hell out of dodge this weekend.

18. I'm still thinking of hitting Cooperstown next month. Depends on the cashflow. I really need to buy new clothes instead of beer and basebally things. (Penis!)

19. Okay so I don't want to sleep around, but I am horny as fuck. I blame Eric. Damn, I need a boyfriend.

20. It's almost midnight. I should go to bed.

21. Okay...going. Good night, Ned!

Monday, July 12

I figured it out!

I figured something out that bothered me all weekend. I'm not going to share it, but I will share my sense of accomplishment.

It's like solving a math word problem on the toilet. So proud!

Wednesday, July 7

Yeah. Stuff.

It amazes me how every time I get dissed I obsess about it for days. Months even. True the Mick thing just happened, but I'm still not done driving myself crazy. The joke is if you would have asked me if I liked him a week ago I would have hemmed and hawed about it. Why do I freak out about guys who aren't worth it!?!? Sigh...

This weekend was a lot of fun, despite the drama cloud.

Friday - A lovely day walking and lunching with Bakes, Megkefel, and baby Henry. I stayed in that night and watched True Blood season 2 episodes 1-4. It's not the best show, but I'm hooked. Some of the characters are amazing (Lafayette!) and all they do is fuck. Seriously, I'm always horny when I watch it. Lots of skin, lots of blood (ew), and lots of hot.

Saturday - Did nothing all day, then went to Coney Island with Stevie, Hugs, and Tobly for a Cyclones game. It was so fun, but the team is horrible. Fall-down-trying-to-catch-a-pop-up horrible. Best parts of the game were the fireworks at the end and the player Cody Holliday. He wasn't good or anything, I just could have SWORN the announcer said "Coney Holland" when he came up to bat. This made me giggle all day. He really should consider changing his name.

I am happy to report The Cyclone is officially my favorite roller coaster. Apparently the Tatsu incident has scarred me for life as I am too scared to go on rides that flip upside down. FAIL! I will only ride wooden ones (heh) going forward.

I am unhappy to report that my arm fat has gotten so out of control it somehow got caught between the Cyclone seat bar and latch and I now have a lovely bruise. It wasn't until I took this picture that I realized it looks like a nipple. Yes, that's my arm. No, mine are pink.

Sunday - Did nothing all day again. In the evening I went down to the South Street Seaport for a bit and at night over to the west side to watch the fireworks. I totally picked the wrong place to watch, ending up on 26th Street between 11th and 12th with a bit of an obstructed view. The fireworks were still awesome, though!! Afterward I had one beer (one!) at a bar in my hood and then went off to bed. It was my last good night's sleep so far this week because SOMEONE decided not to put in their fucking AC until today. Who's that someone? ME!

Ugh. Monday night blew. Last night blew. Wait, today's Wednesday? Tonight should not blow now that the super just came and put it in (heh). I seriously thought I was dying Monday night. It hurt to breathe. Last night wasn't too bad, there was this amazing breeze coming through my bedroom until about midnight. Then it was unbearbly hot again. I slept until my body was soaked, which only took about an hour, rinsed in the shower, repeated. It was gross. My mattress must weigh an extra 10 pounds. Actually I wouldn't be surprised if I lost a few. Take that arm fat!

Ooo, forgot to mention I worked out this weekend. too. Back to doing good ol' Leg Magic and my Billy Blanks Boot Camp DVD. I could barely lift my legs yesterday. It felt good to work out and take care of myself...

This brings me back to the question at the beginning of this post: Why do I freak out about guys who aren't worth it!?!?

For the past two days I checked my Yahoo account at least 24 times to see if Mick wrote me back. I even directly checked Facebook a few times, just in case the email notification didn't flow through. OBSESSED. CRAZY. PATHETIC. Yeah, yeah, been there done that. What bothered me this time around was the anxiety. Why was I so anxious about it? What was driving me to be such a freak?

I'm sure it was a combination of my Pdiddy ending, the heat, and lack of sleep, but I believe there's another reason I'm being so neurotic. It's change. Or the fear of it. I wrote in my last post how "everything changes", but it didn't occur to me how much things can and will change after this until I was writing about it in my journal on my way home today. What I'm talking about is change within myself and my life. It's all positive ones, but I am anxious about them.

I want to get back on track and focus on me again by getting in shape and finding a new job. Remember Sexy, Simba, Something? It obviously hasn't happened yet and the year is halfway over!!

Having a few guys to hang out with and think about was fun for a little while, but it wasn't getting me anywhere. I never saw a future with any of them. If Mick hadn't been such a dick (rhyme!), nothing would have changed. I would have still hooked up with him every other weekend, probably still hooked up with Mr. J, maybe hooked up with someone else I'm lukewarm about, and so on. I knew I had to focus on finding real love before this poop went down, but I think this solidified it. Not the poop, the idea that I have to create space in my heart and mind for someone who will cherish being there. For someone I have no doubt in my mind I like and want to be with for a while. This is exciting!! I am one step closer to finding Mr. McGee!

Last and most importantly, this incident (or whatever it is) made me realize I'm awesome. You read that?!?!? I'm saying I'm awesome, world! I never say that shit and mean it!

My friends helped me come to this conclusion. As Tron said today, "Thighs, you're awesome. Other guys know it. Sooner or later you'll click with one of them. Stop freaking worrying about it and have fun until it happens." I honestly believe he's right!! Holy crap!! I'M AWESOME!

Every guy who hasn't liked me back can go fuck themselves. I am awesome, I'm saying I'm awesome, and if you're too fucking stupid to know this then up yours. And if you do know it then don't do something dumb to screw me over. Mick actually wrote "I think you're incredible" in his apology. This made me feel really nice as I don't think anyone's ever said that to me before, but seriously?? FUCK YOU. If I'm so incredible don't be a dick to me!

PHEW! So in other words, if this didn't happen I might have stayed in a rut for much longer. The interesting part is I'M the one that initiated the whole thing. I never mentioned I knew Mick was with a girl that night. Talk about master manipulation, huh? I could have said don't come, and yes, he could have declined and definitely not made out with her, but still. I'm not blaming myself, but I do believe I subconsciously initiated this change and the anxiety and obsessing came from not admitting it.

This is why I freak out over guys who aren't worth it - I knew they weren't from the beginning yet I allowed myself to get caught up in the moment. The freak out part tries to convince me I didn't waste my time even though I knew there was nothing there. The truth is I did and now I'm putting an end to it. I'm awesome and when I find the right guy he'll know it, he'll be just as awesome, and we'll be totally awesome together. WOOT!

Okay, done writing. It's OkCupid time. Hmmm...I wonder if Coney Holland is single...

Sunday, July 4

Two Peas in a Pub

Mick and I are a lot alike. We're both impulsive, self-involved hedonists. I just realized this very second that's what I like about him. He mirrors some of the "bad" parts of me.

Friday night he actually texted me asking me if I was going out. Retard. I responded with an email the next day telling him how upset I was that he brought and made out with another girl right in front of me. He apologized saying he wasn't sure how I felt about him and didn't mean to hurt or upset me. I wrote him back today saying it's fine I'm over it, but we're not hooking up anymore.

This is the kicker - I'm pretty sure this is how he wanted it to play out. Why do I think this? Because I've done it before. Not this exact situation of course, but close. The beats are the same. I want something either consciously or unconsciously. If I don't know what it is or am wishy washy and don't ask for it specifically, I end up doing something dicky, I get called out on it, I apologize from the bottom of my heart, and everything changes.

Mick helped me realize it would be so much easier to bypass the dick part and just initiate the change in a positive, healthy, and mature way. It might not prevent someone from getting hurt, but honesty would lessen the blow.

Wow. I have to think about this some more...

Friday, July 2

Some funnies

Read Missing Missy and laugh.

Then watch this video and laugh again. It's not work friendly so put on your headphones and/or close the door, slackjob.

Fuck Shit Stack. Amazing.

I want to ride my bicycle...

Well, that sucked. It really is for the best, though. (Thanks Rolo!) Now I don't have to waste my time thinking about him anymore!

Awesome things:

It's Friday, I have a four-day weekend, it's beautiful out, I already went for a run (woot!), I sat by the water and did some thinking, I'm thoroughly enjoying my iced vanilla latte from Dunkin Donuts, I have I Want To Ride My Bicycle stuck in my head, AND I'm about to throw a solo living room dance party.

I have really great friends, a big thanks to Bakes and Jarv for taking care of me and staying out way past their weeknight bedtimes. And another big thanks to the bartender at Crehan's for shutting the bar down right before I walked in because the last thing I needed was another beer at 3am in the morning.

In closing, maybe I'll be upset again later. Maybe I won't. At this very moment I feel fantastic, I'm happy to be alive, and good or bad, I do love how my shit's always interesting.

Not OK

I'm sorry Juniper, I lied. I'm not okay.

I invited Mick out tonight and he actually brought a girl with him. I've never felt this something ever. I wrote "something" because I'm not sure how I feel yet. I haven't stopped crying since I met her. I thought I could handle it, but I couldn't. It's not even about him hooking up with someone, it's more about him being so fucking inconsiderate to bring a girl out in my presence. There was absolutely positively no reason to invite someone you're dating to hang out with a girl you've hooked up with. None whatsoever except to say I'm done with you.

I've slept with a lot of guys so you would think I'm used to feeling shitty at some point. Nope, this is probably the worst I've ever felt because a "friend with benefits" treated me like I was never his friend at all. This hurts me more than any one night stand ever could.

It's 3am now. I had fun with Bakes and Jarv, but unfortunately every time I peed I cried. Fa! That sounds like it hurt to pee. It didn't, it was just my alone time...

Now that I wrote this I'm already starting to feel better. I've been unsure about my feelings for him from the get-go, so this might really be a blessing in disguise. Obviously he's not into me and since he chose the worst possible way to share that fact I should be able to move on with ease. Maybe not this very minute as I'm bombedly sensitive, but soon.

Until then I have to admit this fucking blows. I'm not giving up hope, though. I know the love of my life is out there somewhere and I'm hoping this experience helps me find him sooner. You know, once I sober up...

In the meantime, rejection can suck it.

Thursday, July 1

The gyno says...

I am a binge drinker. This is not a surprise. The medical definition of a binge drinker was though, only four drinks in one sitting for women. Yikes. At this point I can only (“only”) handle about 6 beers a night, less if it’s a high alcohol percentage ala Dogfish Head’s 18% (!!) 120 minute IPA. And by handle I mean not black out. Double yikes. At least I have a glass of water with every beer. If I don’t, I’m in trouble!

So, what to do with this information. Drinking seems to be the reason I don’t do a lot of things I want to lately. Actually strike that, getting drunk does. I haven’t run, read, write, looked for a new gig, bought new work clothes that I desperately need, or finally fix up my apartment all because my raging hangovers and high bar tabs are in the way. I even said the other day that all I want to spend money on right now is baseball and beer. A couple of things about this statement: one, this is stupid and two, where is my penis?

I have decided that for the month of July I will not get drunk except for (always an exception, the first sign of alcoholism. Shut it.) tonight for an Astoria pub crawl and the weekend of the 16th-18th when I’m in Pittsburgh for a Pirates game (penis!). I will still go out, but I will not have more than three. Not not not. This is perfectly reasonable. In fact, last night I went to Crazy Ass and had ginger ale. So there.

In case you’re wondering how this topic came up at the lady doctor, my cooch does not smell like hooch. She’s very holistic in her approach, asking questions about everything from stress, diet, safety (ex: do I wear a seatbelt), to the obvious sexy time deets. I highly recommend her! Just don’t be surprised when she says you drink too much because you probably do if we’re friends.