So I'm not going to.
I was watching a rerun of The Office earlier, an old Valentine's Day one where Phyllis gets a ton of gifts from Bob Vance, Vance Refrigeration and Michael goes to the Dunder Mifflin headquarters in NY. Interesting to note: the headquarters is actually Minnow's building. He walked right into the lobby, but he went up the bank side and not our side. Even fictional characters don't want to go to there.
That was mean. GET THIS. Tennis and I went out for drinks after work on Friday. CAN YOU BELIEVE IT??? I finally figured out if I keep my cool and act like he's my friend, he'll be nice to me. Buy-me-five-Guinness nice!!
The chair I'm sitting on makes my butt all sweaty and my legs fall asleep. I have to take off my pants and sit on a pillow if I'm going to be on the computer for more than a half hour. It's been 38 minutes. You're welcome.
Last week was low-key. I came right home after work every night, except Friday. I made up for my weekday non-drinking that night and on Saturday, too. Bakes and I had one of our monthly Astoria pub crawls. We met at 1pm and parted ways at 1am. It was a fun day. Thank god for her quote book. I would have forgotten such gems as "foot vagina" in regards to this friggin' informercial I can't find anywhere online and Miller High Life's new spiritual nickname Mi-Hi-Li. When ordering place your hands in prayer position and bow your head as you chant.
It was FINALLY cool enough to go for a run this morning. Yay! This summer blows. I hate this weather. I'd move to California if it wasn't for the driving and the earthquakes and the bars closing early and the weird lack of sarcasm and the...oh, nevermind.
I'm watching Avatar: The Last Airbender. It is such an amazing cartoon. I'm only halfway through the first season and I already love it. Getting rid of my cable was a great call. Now I'm actually watching shows that are worth watching.
Today's my dad's birthday. I feel a little guilty about not going down to NJ yesterday, but I needed a day to myself at home. I cleaned, watched tv, listened to some Sabbath, sat on my roof, meditated, wrote. It was a good day.
Tomorrow night I'm meeting some friends after work for a bit, then meeting Mick in the hood after. It's the first time we're hanging out all month. I'm so glad I'll finally see him and get it over with. If you haven't noticed I tend to get a bit worked up about things, analyze the shit out of my feelings, then need immediate closure. Well I sorted my feelings and realized what all this was about: I haven't been trusting myself.
Ending it with Tat was really hard for me. It took me a good month and a half to finally go through with it. I had to be sure breaking up was what needed to happen. I didn't want to hurt him if it was just me being scared. When I did make the decision, it felt empowering. Not to hurt him, of course. I felt empowered because I trusted myself and took action.
Unfortunately, the feeling didn't last long because a month later I was hurt by Banana. I truly believed he was the one for me, that fate brought us together again, blah blah blah. Obviously he wasn't. I'm wondering if somewhere in my mind I decided that if I was so incredibly wrong about him, then I shouldn't trust myself anymore. This might be why I've been so complacent about my job, wishy washy about Mick, and flakier than usual. (Yes I know I'm flaky, which is such a flake thing to say.)
I figured this out yesterday after meeting a guy Saturday night who has the same name as Banana. Real name obviously. It made me think about what connected the three experiences. I broke Tat's heart (he's over it), Banana broke mine (I'm over it, today anyways), and I didn't bother to take the time to sort out my feelings about Mick to ultimately avoid either of us from having a broken heart. I guess it worked, but as I mentioned before, being honest with myself and each other would have been much easier.
I also thought about names in general. How I'm drawn to guys with Tat's real name, how Mick and Red have the same real name and have brought deep feelings and truths out of me. How Furball and Mr. J have the same real name and my feelings for them are similar as well. Granted they all have very common names and not everyone I've met with those monikers have impacted me, but I do think it's interesting. It reminds me of the time my college roommate Katy and I went to a psychic. She asked Katy to think about her boyfriend. When the psychic described him and their relationship it was a strange combination of her ex and current boyfriends who were both named Eric. I wondered if all Katy's energy was sending out the message "Eric", maybe the psychic couldn't separate the two. It's just an idea...
Eh whatever. I don't feel like writing. I'll go look for the foot vagina video instead. I will find it goddamnsonuva!
Monday, July 26
So I'm not going to.