Wednesday, July 7

Yeah. Stuff.

It amazes me how every time I get dissed I obsess about it for days. Months even. True the Mick thing just happened, but I'm still not done driving myself crazy. The joke is if you would have asked me if I liked him a week ago I would have hemmed and hawed about it. Why do I freak out about guys who aren't worth it!?!? Sigh...

This weekend was a lot of fun, despite the drama cloud.

Friday - A lovely day walking and lunching with Bakes, Megkefel, and baby Henry. I stayed in that night and watched True Blood season 2 episodes 1-4. It's not the best show, but I'm hooked. Some of the characters are amazing (Lafayette!) and all they do is fuck. Seriously, I'm always horny when I watch it. Lots of skin, lots of blood (ew), and lots of hot.

Saturday - Did nothing all day, then went to Coney Island with Stevie, Hugs, and Tobly for a Cyclones game. It was so fun, but the team is horrible. Fall-down-trying-to-catch-a-pop-up horrible. Best parts of the game were the fireworks at the end and the player Cody Holliday. He wasn't good or anything, I just could have SWORN the announcer said "Coney Holland" when he came up to bat. This made me giggle all day. He really should consider changing his name.

I am happy to report The Cyclone is officially my favorite roller coaster. Apparently the Tatsu incident has scarred me for life as I am too scared to go on rides that flip upside down. FAIL! I will only ride wooden ones (heh) going forward.

I am unhappy to report that my arm fat has gotten so out of control it somehow got caught between the Cyclone seat bar and latch and I now have a lovely bruise. It wasn't until I took this picture that I realized it looks like a nipple. Yes, that's my arm. No, mine are pink.

Sunday - Did nothing all day again. In the evening I went down to the South Street Seaport for a bit and at night over to the west side to watch the fireworks. I totally picked the wrong place to watch, ending up on 26th Street between 11th and 12th with a bit of an obstructed view. The fireworks were still awesome, though!! Afterward I had one beer (one!) at a bar in my hood and then went off to bed. It was my last good night's sleep so far this week because SOMEONE decided not to put in their fucking AC until today. Who's that someone? ME!

Ugh. Monday night blew. Last night blew. Wait, today's Wednesday? Tonight should not blow now that the super just came and put it in (heh). I seriously thought I was dying Monday night. It hurt to breathe. Last night wasn't too bad, there was this amazing breeze coming through my bedroom until about midnight. Then it was unbearbly hot again. I slept until my body was soaked, which only took about an hour, rinsed in the shower, repeated. It was gross. My mattress must weigh an extra 10 pounds. Actually I wouldn't be surprised if I lost a few. Take that arm fat!

Ooo, forgot to mention I worked out this weekend. too. Back to doing good ol' Leg Magic and my Billy Blanks Boot Camp DVD. I could barely lift my legs yesterday. It felt good to work out and take care of myself...

This brings me back to the question at the beginning of this post: Why do I freak out about guys who aren't worth it!?!?

For the past two days I checked my Yahoo account at least 24 times to see if Mick wrote me back. I even directly checked Facebook a few times, just in case the email notification didn't flow through. OBSESSED. CRAZY. PATHETIC. Yeah, yeah, been there done that. What bothered me this time around was the anxiety. Why was I so anxious about it? What was driving me to be such a freak?

I'm sure it was a combination of my Pdiddy ending, the heat, and lack of sleep, but I believe there's another reason I'm being so neurotic. It's change. Or the fear of it. I wrote in my last post how "everything changes", but it didn't occur to me how much things can and will change after this until I was writing about it in my journal on my way home today. What I'm talking about is change within myself and my life. It's all positive ones, but I am anxious about them.

I want to get back on track and focus on me again by getting in shape and finding a new job. Remember Sexy, Simba, Something? It obviously hasn't happened yet and the year is halfway over!!

Having a few guys to hang out with and think about was fun for a little while, but it wasn't getting me anywhere. I never saw a future with any of them. If Mick hadn't been such a dick (rhyme!), nothing would have changed. I would have still hooked up with him every other weekend, probably still hooked up with Mr. J, maybe hooked up with someone else I'm lukewarm about, and so on. I knew I had to focus on finding real love before this poop went down, but I think this solidified it. Not the poop, the idea that I have to create space in my heart and mind for someone who will cherish being there. For someone I have no doubt in my mind I like and want to be with for a while. This is exciting!! I am one step closer to finding Mr. McGee!

Last and most importantly, this incident (or whatever it is) made me realize I'm awesome. You read that?!?!? I'm saying I'm awesome, world! I never say that shit and mean it!

My friends helped me come to this conclusion. As Tron said today, "Thighs, you're awesome. Other guys know it. Sooner or later you'll click with one of them. Stop freaking worrying about it and have fun until it happens." I honestly believe he's right!! Holy crap!! I'M AWESOME!

Every guy who hasn't liked me back can go fuck themselves. I am awesome, I'm saying I'm awesome, and if you're too fucking stupid to know this then up yours. And if you do know it then don't do something dumb to screw me over. Mick actually wrote "I think you're incredible" in his apology. This made me feel really nice as I don't think anyone's ever said that to me before, but seriously?? FUCK YOU. If I'm so incredible don't be a dick to me!

PHEW! So in other words, if this didn't happen I might have stayed in a rut for much longer. The interesting part is I'M the one that initiated the whole thing. I never mentioned I knew Mick was with a girl that night. Talk about master manipulation, huh? I could have said don't come, and yes, he could have declined and definitely not made out with her, but still. I'm not blaming myself, but I do believe I subconsciously initiated this change and the anxiety and obsessing came from not admitting it.

This is why I freak out over guys who aren't worth it - I knew they weren't from the beginning yet I allowed myself to get caught up in the moment. The freak out part tries to convince me I didn't waste my time even though I knew there was nothing there. The truth is I did and now I'm putting an end to it. I'm awesome and when I find the right guy he'll know it, he'll be just as awesome, and we'll be totally awesome together. WOOT!

Okay, done writing. It's OkCupid time. Hmmm...I wonder if Coney Holland is single...

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