Friday, March 30

Black, white, pink

There's an adorable character named Rue in The Hunger Games.  I don't want to spoil anything for you, so I'll just say I love her.

In the movie she is played by a black girl.  I didn't recall her being black in the book, so I thought it was a nice change for the movie.  She was perfect and I like when there's mixed nationalities in a cast.

Apparently some racist fucktards did NOT appreciate this.  These idiots were actually tweeting about how the movie was ruined, how dare they have a n-word as Rue, and some other awful shit.  It's so awful I won't even post the article. I will never, ever understand people like this.

Yesterday I had a gynecologist appointment with a different doctor than usual, let's call her Davis.  Now I could have sworn I've seen Davis before, so I had a mental image of a skinny gray-haired granola looking white woman.

Dr. Davis ended up being a young, cool black woman.  I am 99% sure I was a bit jarred by this because I thought she was going to be an old hippie.  Having a complete stranger with their hand up your junk is odd to begin with, even moreso when you think it's going to be a different complete stranger.  It's kind of liking chugging a glass of vodka because you thought it was water.

I will admit I was 1% taken aback because I don't think I've ever had a black doctor.  It didn't matter because she was very helpful and um, thorough.  I told her I'd like to have a kid before I'm 40 and she gave me advice on what vitamins to take and lifestyle changes to make to help stay fertile.  (Baby fever.)  While I did like her, I really like my usual doctor so I'm not sure if I'll see Dr. Davis again. AND IT'S NOT BECAUSE SHE'S BLACK.

I thought of the Rue tweets.  If these fucking imbeciles were upset a black actress was portraying a beloved character, what the hell would they have done if a black doctor walked into their examining room??  I'm assuming these racist fucks live in states where minorities wouldn't want to treat their schmucky white illnesses anyways.

FMI (for my information...and yours now too):

US Census Bureau:
  American Indian and Alaska Native persons  0.9%
  Asian persons  4.8%
  Black persons  12.6%
  Native Hawaiian and Other Pacific Islander  0.2%
  Persons of Hispanic or Latino origin  16.3%
  White persons not Hispanic  63.7%

Wow. In NYC there are so many different skin colors in one subway car that I forget the rest of the country has no idea how wonderful a melting pot can be.

I wonder if the category of White was expanded to break down different nationalities (Italian, Irish, Russian, Polish, etc.) people will realize there's variety even in their small podunk town.  The joke is I barely know anyone who is 100% one race.  I'm Irish, German, French, and who knows what else. I guess racists don't see it like this though, as long as your skin colors stays the same.

I declare myself Pink anyways.


I made it through this week! Yay!  Updates:

Job worries were premature.  I know my coworker was looking out for me so I'm not mad at her.  I just wish she didn't warn me during an already sensitive and stressful for week.

I spoke to my boss and she indeed gave me a 10% raise (!!), added me to their health insurance, wants my input on the new company logo and website, and invited me to Rochester for training and strategizing.  It sounds to me like I'm in the clear for a while, but I want to be prepared for the worst.  Instead of putting the raise money to my debt, I'm going to start a savings.  I'm also going to update my resume, my LinkedIn profile, and put some feelers out.  Rockstar was always good about looking at job postings even when she was satisfied with her current gig.  Methinks I need to pick up the habit.

Wednesday night with MDLL was surreal.  The whole day was, really.  I kept feeling like I was dreaming when we were talking.  Maybe I was...

Thursday night I went to an open bar work party and a late night after-party.  I made out with Rem.  WHAAAA???

Rem and I have become really close the past year.  I liked him immediately, but at the time I was seeing The Gentleman and MDLL.  When I told Rem I liked him he said he doesn't date people he works with.  Naturally, I took that as he wasn't interested so we became lunchtime walk buddies and good friends instead.

Jedi-sluts have a couple of powers.  One, we always know if we can hook up with someone.  Two,  we smell our own.  I know when a guy is a player and a girl is a fellow floosie.  I'm also pretty good at guessing which girls would rather give head than have sex during a casual encounter.  I'm the opposite, I'd rather rack up the belt notches and use a rubber rather than stick a raw wiener in my mouth.

I always knew Rem and I would kiss one day.  I did not know he has been wanting to for a long time.  He said so many nice things to me - how special I am, how I'm one of his favorite people, how he's glad we're friends.  I gotta say my ego really needed the boost.  Finally around midnight the last coworker left and he and I kissed.  It was fun, hot, exciting, and most likely never going to happen again. Rem wants to date a nice Jewish girl, never wants to get married, and hates kids. Hates them. It would never work out.

More importantly, I love MDLL.  I know it sounds like bullshit considering I just made out with someone else.  I don't know what to say. I am single, I liked Rem for a while, and I'm glad we smooched.  He wanted to do more (they always do), but I declined.  I can't imagine being intimate with anyone right now.

Serious Relationship 101 Q&A (I need you for the A):

Is it okay to be mad at someone you love?

Is it okay to still want to be with someone who hurt you?

How do you know when it's irreparable?

As mad and hurt as I am by MDLL, I still love him and am still thinking about our future together, specifically how I hope we get to meet the kids I've envisioned in my mind.  Is it possible I'm not in love with MDLL, but have baby fever?

Say he gets divorced and we try again in a couple of months.  He promised me he'll be more proactive and never hurt me again.  How do we measure this?  Or I guess, how do I not constantly measure it?  If I ask MDLL to take out the garbage and he doesn't do it for a week, how do I stop myself from thinking "FUCK, here we go again."  Or on his side, will he feel the need to yes me to death in fear of another breakup?

This relationship has been all about him up until now.  Does MDLL like me? Will he call? Is he ready for his divorce? Is he ready for a serious relationship?  Is/will/does he he he he he he... When will it be about me and my needs?  Do I get a chance to be a fuck up or will I always be the glue?  To clarify, I don't plan on fucking up, I just mean when do I get a break from carrying the load?

I realize now the hardest thing about being single isn't finding guys, it's managing everything I've been told about dating and relationships:

Don't be a doormat and don't be a bitch
Don't be too clingy and don't be too unavailable
Don't be a Stepford Wife and don't be a Feminist
Don't settle and don't be too picky
He should treat you like a queen, yet don't have unrealistic expectations
Don't date a separated man, but go ahead, date a separated man

I can go on forever!  At 34 years old, I've heard it all.  I wish I hadn't.  All that shit can cloud my judgment if I let it.

Don't go back to MDLL when his divorce is final because he doesn't deserve you.

Go back to MDLL when his divorce is final because he was going through some serious shit and now he's better than ever.

Do this, don't do that.  All I can really do is wait and see...

Wednesday, March 28

Today's highlights

1.  Feel good enough to go to office.

2.  Feel sad about MDLL.

3.  Get a call from coworker who said I should start looking for a job.  Apparently my bosses are struggling to sign a new client for May. It is quite a blow.

4.  Go to bathroom and cry.  I could handle breaking up with MDLL and losing my job, but not in the same week.

5.  Work for three more hours.  Call mom as I walk home.  "Didn't your boss say she was giving you a raise, health insurance, and sending you to Vegas in June?" "Yes, yes she did."

6.  Hang up with mom as I walk down stairwell to 59th and Lex station.  Start tearing up because all I wanted was a hug from MDLL.

7.  Walk to platform, stop, look to right.  MDLL is two people away from me.  In the nineteen months I've known him, we've only bumped into each other on the subway twice.  The other time was Valentine's Day.

8.  He hugs me.  I cry, he tears up, we take the subway to Queens together.   He walks me home, stops in front of my building and starts sobbing.  I invite him up.

9.  We spend the next couple of hours crying and talking.  We did not hook up.  We did not get back together.  

10.  Call mom again.  I cry.  I know I'll get through all of this, but it hurts.

11.  Hang up with mom.  Check work email.  Look at April's paystub.

12.  I got a 10% raise. What the what??

13.  Write this post.  

14.  Go to bed and put this ridiculous day behind me.

Tuesday, March 27

Change Sick Busy Bibles

Blogger changed their look for the first time since I've been using it. I had no idea how much I hate change until my social websites started getting fancy.

I'm home with bad allergies today. Yesterday my eyes were on fire! I feel much better after sleeping in, although my head feels like it's in a vice. Pat Kiernan said allergies are worse than ever because of the mild winter. I swear the minute he said that, I got sick. Damn you PK!

Actually that's not true. I WENT FOR A RUN Wednesday morning and wasn't dressed appropriately for the damp spit-rain. I didn't wear a warm enough coat yesterday either. The wind was amazing though. My hair had so much body! Ha!

Of course, I don't ever seem to be healthy when MDLL and I break up. Is it break-up or break up? I write both. I'm not sick-sick, so I don't think it's stress or heartache related. It's simply crazy New York weather related.

I went for a walk earlier and bought five mega-millions tickets. Can you imagine winning over $300 million? Shit fool. If I win I will give you each a dollar.

I'm sitting at my laptop ready to work, but methinks I'll watch Game of Thrones instead. I'm trying to keep myself busy the next few weeks because I know at some point I will break down about MDLL.

This week - Krav Maga, yoga, and Game of Thrones

Next week - drinks with Breen, a play called Don't Dress for Dinner with Jess, and Bacon's birthday drinks/Nada Surf concert

Following week - more Krav Maga (I have a five class Groupon) and then my newest tackle, reading the Bible.

Yes, THE Bible.

All of these fanatic right-wing conservative assholes are fucking up my relationship with my Episcopalian roots. I do not follow Catholic/Christian religion for three reasons: women's rights, gay rights, and because the crazy judgmental biblethumpers scare the shit out of me.

My mom is very religious. She's cool, fun, nuts, manic, crass, and very devoted to her faith. She believes homosexuality is an abomination because the word of God says so, although she does think there should be a separation of church and state. I don't like her for blindly following what the Bible says, but I am glad she realizes the Catholic church should not be laying down the law.

I couldn't give a shit who you fuck as long as your are a good person. I am confused as to why a gay man would want to get married at a church and before a God who doesn't respect his choices, though. If I were gay (being a boob girl doesn't count), the last place I'd want to get married is in a Catholic church. I doubt I'll get married in a church anyways...

SO, I'm going to read the Bible with as much of an open mind as I can. It will be hard because I am a fanatic left-wing liberal non-asshole, but I will try. Plus it will keep my mind off of MDLL. I hope.

Monday, March 26

Warn the reds.

We broke up on Saturday. I know, I know. We always break up and I always go back. I’m not going to say this time is different. I don’t know if it’s different, but I want it to be.

It all hit me last Wednesday. MDLL got snippy when I asked for a divorce update. I let it go because we had a few drinks in us, but it pissed me off. I was angry when I woke up the next day, then broke down at Rosa Mexicano with the ladies that night. I told him off in an email Friday, then called him Saturday to end it. I screamed and cursed, something I was hoping to never have to do because I don’t want to be like my mom. He pushed me to the point where I couldn’t take it anymore, where the only words left to say were “fucking” and “asshole”. It was long overdue.

Saturday I saw the Hunger Games (I LOVED it. Same story, but a different approach. Totally complemented the book.) then got DRUNK. Super drunk. Drunker than I’ve been in a long time. I don’t know how much vodka or shots I did or how many tacos I ate on my way home, but it must have been a lot considering my bed was covered in vomit the next day. Yeah, that’s right. I puked in my sleep. I’m not proud, but I’m glad it happened. The urge to get fucked up and drink the pain away is gone. I’ve come too far to throw my health away now.

He called yesterday and we had a much more civil break-up conversation. He feels awful, he said he’ll move forward as soon as possible, and he’s afraid he’ll lose me forever. I told him he threw it all away by bullshitting me for the last four months. It’s not about him being married, it’s about him not following through. He supposedly wants to get divorced, loves me, and wants to marry me, yet STILL couldn’t take care of business. This is a problem. A big problem if I hope to have a happy and healthy future with him. I know he didn’t mean to hurt me or take advantage, but he continued to do both. I never understood the phrase “sometimes love isn’t enough”. I do now. I have no doubt in my mind MDLL loved me. I know I loved him. It wasn’t enough.

I’m doing okay today. I feel strong. I’m proud I tried, I’m proud I was kind, understanding and patient, and I’m extremely proud I opened myself up to love after all of these years. I don’t know when I’ll be ready to get back out there again, but I will, one day. Gingerquest!

Friday, March 23

The Elephant

I hit my wall. The client's go-live (which means they officially dumped their old system for the new one) was Monday. Things are going pretty well! I'm excited for this project to be over. Antsy, even. It's funny, I used to get like this at my other jobs but for the first time ever I don't actually have to quit. I don't WANT to quit! Today my bosses asked me to give input on the new company logo and website. How cute is that? I was worried I'd hate working at a small company, but it's perfect. I'm involved and appreciated. That's all I've ever wanted!

I've been running on work-adrenaline all month. I've worked 20 days straight, which is a lot for me. I started coming down from my high Wednesday night. I cannot WAIT to go home and do nothing this weekend.

Despite the crazy workage I've had a good birthday month!

St. Patty's Day was a blast. My taco-love quadrupled after finally trying Guelaguetza. HOLYBALLS. Delicious. MDLL and I decided we're going to Hawaii some time in the fall. I AM SUPER EXCITED.

Sadly I am not buying tickets or anything until the dickhead processes his divorce papers, though. Last night I got margarita-tears when the girls asked me for an update. I was so embarrassed that I ripped him a new one in an email this morning. Curse words and all. It felt good.

Truthfully it's not something that bothers me everyday. Maybe that's the problem.

I've wanted to repaint my bedroom for at least five years. I'd wake up and the first thing I saw every morning was the shitty holey wall facing my bed. I'd have this feeling similar to failure, but not quite as strong. Can you have a sense of unaccomplishment? That's the only way I can describe it. I knew I'd feel better if I'd do it, but better how? Will I like it? Will it be right? Will it be a pain in the ass? I wonder if that's where procrastination comes from, a fear of what life will be like once you complete the thing you've put off.

This is how I see MDLL's divorce. I'm sure he does, too. Right now our relationship is a threesome - me, him, and the elephant in the room. Sometimes the elephant is invisible. Sometimes it's bigger than we can handle. The comforting (?) thing is whether we acknowledge him or not, he's always there.

I don't know what will happen once the divorce is final. The elephant will be gone and we will be alone. Alone with each other. I think we're both scared shitless. It saddens me to admit I'm afraid of a happy and healthy relationship. There's no doubt in my mind that's what we would have. We already do have one, except for THIS.

I don't blame the elephant. I blame us for not letting him go.

Wednesday, March 14

My wedding photo!

I am Mrs. Thighs Gorilla George.

Sunday, March 11

Is it still March?

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME! I turned dirty-whore, I mean thirty-four!!

I've worked around 70 hours this week; if it wasn't my birthday I'd seriously have no concept of time whatsoever. I even think I woke up wondering what the date was yesterday. Um, HELLO. It was March 9th, THE BEST DAY EVER.

Work is going really well. I'm not used to this schedule, though. Sunday I worked six hours, the weekdays were about eleven hours each, and today I worked another six. I have to work tomorrow too, but luckily I don't have to go into the office. I want to sleep in and not move until at least 10am.

My birthday was fun, but sort of odd! The internet connection went down at the office, so I decided to go to FAO Schwarz for the first time in 15 years. When I returned the internet was still down and we ended up moving to the GM building. I love the view:

A few hours later my boss Iron comes in and hands me a huge FAO Schwarz bag. I chuckled since I had just been there. She gave me the randomest gift ever, a toddler size gorilla stuffed animal. I was speechless. A gorilla doll, really? Turns out George (I named him this) is fucking awesome:

The rest of the day was pretty tame, so I headed home at a decent hour to gussy up for dinner with MDLL. Yeah, the breakup didn't last again. It never does. Resistance is futile at this point. We went to our favorite crabhouse and it was DELICIOUS. New Orleans shrimp, lobster, and crablegs. YUM. The piano man sang Happy Birthday to me. Well, Happy Birthday to Shauna. That's a first! At least it wasn't Sharon. I like that name, but for some reason it annoys me most.

Get this...MDLL bought me flowers and Star Wars Legos. Guess where he bought the latter? FAO SCHWARZ. He hadn't been there in years either. So funny that we went the same day. (FUNNY JUNIPER. There are no coincidences!) The cashier asked if the Legos were a gift for his son. Fa!

Hmmm, what else. I finished The Hunger Games this morning. It was excellent! I can't wait for the movie. I'm actually in the mood to keep reading, so I think I'm finally going to tackle Dark Tower tomorrow. Oh and I want to watch Game of Thrones, too.

I'm glad I mentally prepared myself for March to be all about work and rest. MDLL and I went out for a bit after dinner last night, but I was too tired to stay long. I'm sure my exhaustion was a combination of work and the three jaeger shots I did within fifteen minutes. Whatevs.


Friday, March 2

Party time!

This week can end now! I'm ready to go out and get my drink on. My tummy feels a little weird; it might be too much acid in my stomach. I took a Prilosec, Tums, and ate some yogurt. Bring on the voka soduh!

I don't want to do any work today. My plan is to leave around 4-4:30pm, go home to drop off my laptop, and come back out.  I brought my shirt for tonight and some makeup so I can beautify here if I need. I might just leave my laptop at work and get it tomorrow. It's not a huge pain to drag it out, but I'd prefer not to worry about it.

My coworker Zebra is here. God he's annoying. Everything he does is LOUD: talking, coughing, drinking, eating, typing, opening a bag, slamming shit, walking. I don't have the best hearing, probably because my family always screamed and I passed out in a speaker at a rave once, so I am amazed how aurally irritating this fucker is. I have my earphones in with no music on, just to lessen the blow.

I never really could work with music on. I'm not sure why I don't listen to music very often. Maybe it's because I'm constantly thinking and daydreaming? I'm excited to get some dancing in later. I heart dancing! I hope we get to take over the jukebox like last year.

Wow. Last year. 33 was a fucking trip. The Year o' Jesus. Wait, did I ever explain this?

Apparently Jesus was crucified and rose from the dead at 33. I thought this was interesting. Why 33? Is the age significant? I'm not religious, but I do like to find connection. I believed this meant 33 was the year of transformation, the year we become who we are meant to be. After all of the changes in my life last year I'm sure of this. Yes it could have been a self-fulfilling prophecy, but so what? I feel more myself than I ever have my entire life.

I went to therapy last night. It was exactly what I needed. I feel much better about everything. I did a little jewelry shopping and bought these awesome ugly green and blue chandelier earrings to wear tonight. I put them on when I got home and my earlobe hung two inches, so that was a wasted $16. My clothes are dark so I was hoping to brighten up the outfit with obnoxious sparkly jewelry. Maybe I'll find something during lunch.

Oh shit, it's 1pm! Yay! Countdown on!

Thursday, March 1

Good things!

I made it 74 hours without contacting MDLL. I called him last night because I couldn't take it anymore. Good news...he spoke with his lawyer and MDLL needs to review the paperwork one more time before it is filed. He said he wanted to call me, but thought it would be best to wait until it's processed like I asked. He profusely apologized, thanked me, and reiterated how much he loved me. I cried, naturally.

I decided I do want to keep in touch, but I am definitely not ready to see him yet. It will fuck me up. We agreed it's best he doesn't come to my birthday party tomorrow night. It's unfortunate, but the right thing to do. I want to get drunk, dance, and have fun, not sob in a corner.

I'm not speaking to my parents or brother just yet. I'll deal with them some other time.

Yesterday was the hardest day. I felt so lost. I didn't know how to feel, what to think, nothing. I feel much more centered today after speaking with MDLL. It brought me back to reality. Luckily, Cee was available tonight so I'm going to talk it out with her later. Therapy rules.

Some more good things...

I went for a check-up on Tuesday with Dr. Bleyer. We're both very excited over how well I'm doing! We discussed the couple of flare-ups I had this year and she suggested maybe it's the gastritis. I forgot I had that! It makes a lot of sense, especially since I didn't eat gluten the last couple of times I got sick. We're going to see how I manage the next few months, then I'll probably go for another endoscopy to check how my guts are doing. I should be getting my blood test results tomorrow. I'm very interested to see if she was right about me always testing positive for mono. I'm a Mono-han!

Everyone is gearing up for go-live next week at work. I almost feel guilty for not being stressed out as everyone else. Isn't that funny? I'm just going to chill and wing it like I always do. The last conversion went super well, so I feel pretty confident I got this! Conversion weeks are exhausting, though. I'm prepared to do nothing, but work and sleep for the next three weeks!

My bedroom looks awesome with the new paint job. I was so happy it worked out that Rolo and her boyfriend Gee were able to stay. I rarely have visitors, so it was nice to play hostess/concierge!

I guess that's it!! I feel MUCH better about things today. I am cautiously optimistic this shit will be over soon. I'm not holding my breath, although MDLL sounded more motivated, concerned, and adamant about fixing this than ever before. I am hopeful again.