Frieday

I made it through this week! Yay!  Updates:

Job worries were premature.  I know my coworker was looking out for me so I'm not mad at her.  I just wish she didn't warn me during an already sensitive and stressful for week.

I spoke to my boss and she indeed gave me a 10% raise (!!), added me to their health insurance, wants my input on the new company logo and website, and invited me to Rochester for training and strategizing.  It sounds to me like I'm in the clear for a while, but I want to be prepared for the worst.  Instead of putting the raise money to my debt, I'm going to start a savings.  I'm also going to update my resume, my LinkedIn profile, and put some feelers out.  Rockstar was always good about looking at job postings even when she was satisfied with her current gig.  Methinks I need to pick up the habit.

Wednesday night with MDLL was surreal.  The whole day was, really.  I kept feeling like I was dreaming when we were talking.  Maybe I was...

Thursday night I went to an open bar work party and a late night after-party.  I made out with Rem.  WHAAAA???

Rem and I have become really close the past year.  I liked him immediately, but at the time I was seeing The Gentleman and MDLL.  When I told Rem I liked him he said he doesn't date people he works with.  Naturally, I took that as he wasn't interested so we became lunchtime walk buddies and good friends instead.

Jedi-sluts have a couple of powers.  One, we always know if we can hook up with someone.  Two,  we smell our own.  I know when a guy is a player and a girl is a fellow floosie.  I'm also pretty good at guessing which girls would rather give head than have sex during a casual encounter.  I'm the opposite, I'd rather rack up the belt notches and use a rubber rather than stick a raw wiener in my mouth.

I always knew Rem and I would kiss one day.  I did not know he has been wanting to for a long time.  He said so many nice things to me - how special I am, how I'm one of his favorite people, how he's glad we're friends.  I gotta say my ego really needed the boost.  Finally around midnight the last coworker left and he and I kissed.  It was fun, hot, exciting, and most likely never going to happen again. Rem wants to date a nice Jewish girl, never wants to get married, and hates kids. Hates them. It would never work out.

More importantly, I love MDLL.  I know it sounds like bullshit considering I just made out with someone else.  I don't know what to say. I am single, I liked Rem for a while, and I'm glad we smooched.  He wanted to do more (they always do), but I declined.  I can't imagine being intimate with anyone right now.

Serious Relationship 101 Q&A (I need you for the A):

Is it okay to be mad at someone you love?

Is it okay to still want to be with someone who hurt you?

How do you know when it's irreparable?

As mad and hurt as I am by MDLL, I still love him and am still thinking about our future together, specifically how I hope we get to meet the kids I've envisioned in my mind.  Is it possible I'm not in love with MDLL, but have baby fever?

Say he gets divorced and we try again in a couple of months.  He promised me he'll be more proactive and never hurt me again.  How do we measure this?  Or I guess, how do I not constantly measure it?  If I ask MDLL to take out the garbage and he doesn't do it for a week, how do I stop myself from thinking "FUCK, here we go again."  Or on his side, will he feel the need to yes me to death in fear of another breakup?

This relationship has been all about him up until now.  Does MDLL like me? Will he call? Is he ready for his divorce? Is he ready for a serious relationship?  Is/will/does he he he he he he... When will it be about me and my needs?  Do I get a chance to be a fuck up or will I always be the glue?  To clarify, I don't plan on fucking up, I just mean when do I get a break from carrying the load?

I realize now the hardest thing about being single isn't finding guys, it's managing everything I've been told about dating and relationships:

Don't be a doormat and don't be a bitch
Don't be too clingy and don't be too unavailable
Don't be a Stepford Wife and don't be a Feminist
Don't settle and don't be too picky
He should treat you like a queen, yet don't have unrealistic expectations
Don't date a separated man, but go ahead, date a separated man

I can go on forever!  At 34 years old, I've heard it all.  I wish I hadn't.  All that shit can cloud my judgment if I let it.

Don't go back to MDLL when his divorce is final because he doesn't deserve you.

Go back to MDLL when his divorce is final because he was going through some serious shit and now he's better than ever.

Do this, don't do that.  All I can really do is wait and see...