Monday, March 26

Warn the reds.

We broke up on Saturday. I know, I know. We always break up and I always go back. I’m not going to say this time is different. I don’t know if it’s different, but I want it to be.

It all hit me last Wednesday. MDLL got snippy when I asked for a divorce update. I let it go because we had a few drinks in us, but it pissed me off. I was angry when I woke up the next day, then broke down at Rosa Mexicano with the ladies that night. I told him off in an email Friday, then called him Saturday to end it. I screamed and cursed, something I was hoping to never have to do because I don’t want to be like my mom. He pushed me to the point where I couldn’t take it anymore, where the only words left to say were “fucking” and “asshole”. It was long overdue.

Saturday I saw the Hunger Games (I LOVED it. Same story, but a different approach. Totally complemented the book.) then got DRUNK. Super drunk. Drunker than I’ve been in a long time. I don’t know how much vodka or shots I did or how many tacos I ate on my way home, but it must have been a lot considering my bed was covered in vomit the next day. Yeah, that’s right. I puked in my sleep. I’m not proud, but I’m glad it happened. The urge to get fucked up and drink the pain away is gone. I’ve come too far to throw my health away now.

He called yesterday and we had a much more civil break-up conversation. He feels awful, he said he’ll move forward as soon as possible, and he’s afraid he’ll lose me forever. I told him he threw it all away by bullshitting me for the last four months. It’s not about him being married, it’s about him not following through. He supposedly wants to get divorced, loves me, and wants to marry me, yet STILL couldn’t take care of business. This is a problem. A big problem if I hope to have a happy and healthy future with him. I know he didn’t mean to hurt me or take advantage, but he continued to do both. I never understood the phrase “sometimes love isn’t enough”. I do now. I have no doubt in my mind MDLL loved me. I know I loved him. It wasn’t enough.

I’m doing okay today. I feel strong. I’m proud I tried, I’m proud I was kind, understanding and patient, and I’m extremely proud I opened myself up to love after all of these years. I don’t know when I’ll be ready to get back out there again, but I will, one day. Gingerquest!

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