Friday, March 23

The Elephant

I hit my wall. The client's go-live (which means they officially dumped their old system for the new one) was Monday. Things are going pretty well! I'm excited for this project to be over. Antsy, even. It's funny, I used to get like this at my other jobs but for the first time ever I don't actually have to quit. I don't WANT to quit! Today my bosses asked me to give input on the new company logo and website. How cute is that? I was worried I'd hate working at a small company, but it's perfect. I'm involved and appreciated. That's all I've ever wanted!

I've been running on work-adrenaline all month. I've worked 20 days straight, which is a lot for me. I started coming down from my high Wednesday night. I cannot WAIT to go home and do nothing this weekend.

Despite the crazy workage I've had a good birthday month!

St. Patty's Day was a blast. My taco-love quadrupled after finally trying Guelaguetza. HOLYBALLS. Delicious. MDLL and I decided we're going to Hawaii some time in the fall. I AM SUPER EXCITED.

Sadly I am not buying tickets or anything until the dickhead processes his divorce papers, though. Last night I got margarita-tears when the girls asked me for an update. I was so embarrassed that I ripped him a new one in an email this morning. Curse words and all. It felt good.

Truthfully it's not something that bothers me everyday. Maybe that's the problem.

I've wanted to repaint my bedroom for at least five years. I'd wake up and the first thing I saw every morning was the shitty holey wall facing my bed. I'd have this feeling similar to failure, but not quite as strong. Can you have a sense of unaccomplishment? That's the only way I can describe it. I knew I'd feel better if I'd do it, but better how? Will I like it? Will it be right? Will it be a pain in the ass? I wonder if that's where procrastination comes from, a fear of what life will be like once you complete the thing you've put off.

This is how I see MDLL's divorce. I'm sure he does, too. Right now our relationship is a threesome - me, him, and the elephant in the room. Sometimes the elephant is invisible. Sometimes it's bigger than we can handle. The comforting (?) thing is whether we acknowledge him or not, he's always there.

I don't know what will happen once the divorce is final. The elephant will be gone and we will be alone. Alone with each other. I think we're both scared shitless. It saddens me to admit I'm afraid of a happy and healthy relationship. There's no doubt in my mind that's what we would have. We already do have one, except for THIS.

I don't blame the elephant. I blame us for not letting him go.

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