Sunday, January 30

I win!

My number of posts for January is more than the number of days in the month. This one doesn't count.

Take that 2009!

Blonde Moment #139

Mark your calendars, people.

Today is the day I finally got why Rip Torn's name is so cool.

Rip. Tear. Torn.


The Nothing Weekend 2

I guess it's impossible to have a nothing weekend. I am always doing something, ie sleeping or watching TV*.

I heard from The Gentleman yesterday afternoon. He apologized saying...shit, what did he even say? I don't know, something about not realizing I wanted to meet that early. Then he asked if I wanted to go to a Rangers or Knicks game this coming week. Knicks please! I've never been to a pro basketball game. Score!

I hadn't really eaten all morning since I was waiting on him, so around 2:30pm I decided to go to the diner around the corner by my lonesome. I used to go a lot during my bloody mary phase a few years back. It was acceptable to drink them at noon as long as I was brunching.

While I was waiting for my food (A chicken and feta wrap. I didn't eat the wrap.) I started to feel weird. I really don't know how to describe what I've been feeling all week. It's a combination of fatigue, fog, and disconnection. At the diner I felt something different, sort of like I smoked dust. (No wonder I'm falling apart at 32.) Everything around me looked so real it seemed fake: my salad, the booth, the red shiny snowflakes that spun from the ceiling (they were really there), my hands. Even now as I type this I'm looking at my "fake" iMac and purple walls and wonder when they will seem normal again. It's almost like an absent presence. I'm here, but I'm not.

All of a sudden I started to think I might get up on the table and start howling. Okay, maybe that was a stretch but I did feel like I was going to lose it and make a scene. I had the waiter wrap the rest of my wrap without the wrap and I went home.

I stayed in the rest of the night. I talked on the phone, texted with MD, meditated, wrote, and watched American Beauty. I haven't seen it in years. I forgot how much I love that movie. I cried through most of it. It felt good. Crying always does.

This morning it occurred to me that maybe I haven't had the release I need lately. I obviously made a huge life change this month with leaving Minnow and starting a new career at Biz. I haven't given myself time to reflect on either, mostly because it all happened so fast. I guess I don't know what hit me.

I'm starting to wonder if I am sick. My personal history has shown I make myself physically ill when I'm not psychically balanced. If I don't manage my stress, my body knocks me out and forces me to chill. This frustrates me to no end, which doesn't help the matter.

Today I decided to relax and play it by ear. I already went to the store and did laundry. Bacon came over and watched me cook eggs. Next up is cleaning, some exercising, possibly a walk because it's so gorgeous out, and a couple hours of work. MD and I might hang out a bit later. If not, I'll meet Bakes and Jarv out for dinner. If I feel stressed I will sit with it for as long as I need, then move on with my day.

I'm going to live like I feel well with the hope that maybe I will.

* It feels awkward writing "tv" so I choose to write "TV". Discuss.

Saturday, January 29

The Nothing Weekend

I woke up early to go for bloodwork this morning. The Gentleman and I were going to have breakfast around 11am, but he hasn't returned my call. This is very uncharacteristic of him, based on the 28 days I've known the bloke.

I'm feeling okay, which this week means my head is killing me, I'm wiped out, but I'm functional. I can't wait for "okay" to be back to it's usual definition of "healthy and discontent."

The doctor is testing me for a whole bunch of things: basic panel screenings, mono, anemia, food allergies, household allergies (cockroach is actually included), and autoimmune diseases, including lupus. I know nothing about lupus other than Mercedes on the first season of America's Next Top Model had it and she was tired all of the time. My symptoms are so general that it could be anything, but one thing that stuck out on lupus is a rash on your nose and cheeks. Maybe I don't have rosacea.

And MMMAAAYYBBE I should stop reading Webmd for fuck's sake. It's porn for neurotics.

The doctor also dropped the dreaded "d" word. Depression. Yeah, buddy. I know.

I originally wanted to stay in and do nothing this weekend, but now I'm wondering if I'm better off going out. Not to drink of course, just to be among the living. MD and I might get dinner tomorrow. I still feel like Sunday is our day, even without football (I have zero interest in the Pro Bowl). We'll see.

Geez, The Gentleman is going to need a new nickname if he doesn't call soon. Oh well. I don't think I'm good at liking two people at once anyways.

Thursday, January 27

Three years ago...

I posted this.

I randomly came across it just now. I laughed the hardest at #23.

Yes. The hardest.

Lone Wolf

I was the only Biz person at the NY client office today. Working by myself is fucking awesome. I can't wait until I feel better, so that I can really enjoy this gig!!

This morning was pretty rough. I felt awful, then I had some vegetable soup for lunch and felt great for about two hours. Now I'm tired again. Oh well. I'm going to the doctor's tomorrow morning, so we shall see. I'm assuming he's just going to send me for a lot of bloodwork. Fingers crossed something definitive, curable, and manageable comes up!!

I got my first paystub. My paycheck was way more than I expected only because I don't have insurance, a 401(k), or transit checks deducted yet. I was blown away by the amount. Hurrah!! Luckily it's just in time for this doctor visit. It's probably going to cost a shitload since I'm not technically covered yet. I'll get reimbursed, though.

Juniper asked me what my plans are this weekend. My parents probably won't come up because of the snow, so now all I'm going to do is sleep, watch movies, and work. Perhaps cook too, if Bacon's still available for a lesson.

I would like to see The Gentleman as we haven't hung out in a week. I don't really feel like seeing MD. Nothing against him or anything, I'm just too tired to deal with my feelings for him.

Eh, that's all I got.

Wednesday, January 26

Balls and Stuff


I wrote "balls" in an email a few minutes ago and now that's all I want to say. BALLS BALLS BALLS BALLS BALLS.

Okay. I'm done.

I'm feeling better, but I still haven't kicked this thing yet. I'm trying to stay positive and not stress about it. I'll figure out what's wrong sooner or later. Preferably sooner. I'm afraid to eat bread or anything with yeast. I'm not sleeping through the night. I look like shit.

I was able to go the office for a few hours yesterday and I made it the whole day in Philly today. My boss was really understanding. Turns out she has some digestive problems, too. Geez, who doesn't? It's pretty amazing how aware I am of bread in the world now. Isn't that dumb? Like today at the Philly train station there was an Auntie Anne's, Au Bon Pain, Cosi, Dunkin Donuts, and a few other random coffee\muffin places. The only place I could get some protein was McDonald's (hold the bun), but I haven't eaten that shit in years so I skipped dinner. Yeah, totally losing weight.

Not feeling well is taking up all of my time and thoughts. I'm trying not to think about it. I'm also trying not to think about boys right now either. I'd like to focus on work, but unfortunately I'm all over the place. Ha! When am I not??

My mom is worried about me, so I invited the parentals up this weekend. I wouldn't mind some babying, to be honest. I like attention!

FYI: Don't drink Philly water.


Monday, January 24

I hate this.

I went to work, got really nauseous and lightheaded again, and came home at 1pm. I slept until about 4pm and have been sitting here gchatting/trying to do work from home.

I feel like shit. I feel shittier than shit because I'm annoyed, embarrassed, and worried that my bosses are going to be upset with me. I'm supposed to go to Philly tomorrow, but I don't think that's happening.

Yesterday I felt so much better. I ran errands in the morning, ate a protein bar and some turkey slices, then went to Crazy Ass to watch the games. I didn't drink, ate some peanuts, a burger without a bun, some salad, and two french fries. I made it to halftime of the Jets game and had to go home because I was so tired again.

I don't know what's happening and it's really upsetting me. I've been through similar shit so many fucking times only to hear nothing is wrong and it's psychosomatic. Of course that's better than needing surgery or something, but I swear to Shizza if I'm doing this to myself because I can't manage my stress I will kill someone.

I honestly don't think that's the case, though. It really seems to be triggered by food, I just haven't figured out what food yet. I called my doctor today, but he was out. I'll try again later this week.

It's possible I haven't entirely kicked my stomach virus/intestinal flu from a couple weeks ago, but I didn't really believe that diagnosis to begin with. I just can't fucking believe I feel this crappy. The fatigue is like nothing I've ever felt before. I can barely keep my eyes open. My stomach doesn't really hurt. It's just really gurgly and knotted.

Today I ate half a banana and some turkey slices again. I'm trying to stay away from wheat and yeast as best I can, but shit, check out your nutrition labels. Everything has wheat or yeast, even the damn chicken broth I bought to ease my stomach. Gah!

Who knows, maybe I'm not allergic to those things, but it sure seems to be triggered by snackage like chips and pretzels. I was fine the past two weeks, although I was pretty tired Thursday on. Can I really get the flu twice in one month?

The timing of this cannot be any worse. Or maybe it could...I mean, if they were to fire me for being sick my first full week do I really want to work for these people?

Blerg. I hate this!

Sunday, January 23

Week 1 Recap

Ahhhh! Finally I'm ready to write about my first week at Biz. I would have done it yesterday, but I fucked my shit up again.

Friday night I went to poker (I won $6.57! Booyah!). I ate a slice of pizza on the way, then a bunch of chips, pretzels, tomatoes with hummus, and three Guinness at Rockstar's. I didn't think much about what I had eaten until yesterday morning. Halfway through my peanut butter and jelly sandwich on whole grain toast I felt queasy. I thought, maybe I should stop eating this, ignored myself, and finished it. Immediately after I became ridiculously fatigued, nauseous, and a complete menthole. After a three hour nap I felt better, so I invited MD over to watch a movie later on and spent the next two hours cleaning for his arrival. (Delilah was TRASHED.) By the time I was done cleaning I felt like shit again, so I cancelled on him and spent the rest of the night half watching Mamma Mia on TBS and Blades of Glory on ABC. Weird to note, I fell asleep on the couch and woke myself up from snoring. I never snore! I wonder what that means...

I feel okay this morning. I'm a little weak, but I didn't eat anything after the PB&J so I'm sure I just need some fuel. At this point it's pretty obvious I have a food intolerance, I'm just not sure if it's wheat, gluten, or yeast. Maybe it's all of them. There's not much to do by way of diagnosis except good old trial and error. My health insurance hasn't started up yet, so if I went to the doctor's for some tests I'd have to pay everything out of pocket until I can submit a claim for reimbursement. No thanks. All I can do now is avoid food with those ingredients and see how I feel. The problem is practically everyting I like contains wheat and/or yeast! Oh well. At the end of the day, cutting all that shit out is just going to make me healthier and probably lose weight. That's not so bad!

SO. Biz. It's a bit a surreal. It was a conversion week, so all we did was sit in a training room and stare at our computers for eight hours straight. The only time I got up was to go to the bathroom and buy lunch. I've worked like this before, but it's been a while so it was a bit exhausting thinking this hard. The good news is I was able to jump right in and help validate data and update the user test plan. I'm really proud of myself. While I don't know anything about law and only a little finance, I do know how to be an analyst. I caught some issues, raised some questions, and already got praise for contributing. Oh and it turns out my bosses are moving upstate, so they want me to be the face of the Philly project. I'm supposed to head down there on Tuesday to meet everyone. Crazy!

I have two favorite moments from this week. One, I told one of the developers I love Peppermint Patties so she bought a whole bag. Two, I had to go to another building on 59th and Madison to get my ID. I was on the 23rd floor in a conference room with a GORGEOUS view of Central Park. I felt so special, almost like I had made it or something.

My least favorite thing so far is the 53rd and 5th station on the E/M line. I've avoided this station for years. I don't know if it is the deepest one (heh), but there are so many stairs down it feels like I'm entering the bowels of hell. I'll probably still take it though as it's only five stops from me in Queens and is the closest one to our client office. I'll avoid it once it gets warmer out.

Blah. I'm tired again. This sucks!! Stupid fucking eating problem thingie!

Thursday, January 20

Thinking makes me tired.

I'm beat! It's just after 9pm and I'm ready to turn in for the night. Thinking makes me tired.

So do boys. I met up with my college friends Blancs and Satan for drinks last night. It was so great to see them! I was good and only had two beers. FMI*: a couple sips of Ommegang Three Philosophers made my head hurt. I couldn't even finish it. Must find the cause of my allergic reaction!

We met at a bar near MD's office, so he came out too. It was the first time we hung out in the city and the first time I saw him in a suit (he's in finance). HOT. Totally hot and he was really charming and comfortable in what could have been an uncomfortable situation (it's usually hard to keep up with a group of old friends). He also paid for me, which I was not expecting at all. I am really happy he joined us.

We took a cab back to the hood and to go to Crazy Ass. He wanted to change first, so yada yada, we made out. I could kiss him for years.

Tonight I had dinner with The Gentleman who's been out of town since Saturday. It was nice to see him. Weirdly enough, the two of them sort of look alike. Not at first glance, but they have the same shaped head and smile. I guess I do have a type other than a spotted ginger.

The Gentleman is busy this weekend, which works out well since I'll probably watch football with MD on Sunday. GM and I have tentative plans for next Tuesday, but I might be at a client's office in Philly next week. (I will write about work tomorrow. Quick version: GAHYAYWOWHOLYCRAPI'MACONSULTANT.)

I decided I'm going to date both of them for a while. I also decided I am not going to have sex with them anymore. After years of whoring I have one rule: only sleep with one guy between periods so that I don't end up on Maury. Truthfully I'd rather be with MD of course, but since I already hooked up with GM this month I can't be with MD until February. I know it sounds dumb, but a rule's a rule. In a couple of weeks I'll reevaluate to see which one I really want to be with.

The other reason I don't want to hook up with both of them is because of a new development - sex feels intimate and special to me again for the first time since PJ.

For the past decade all I've experienced were one night stands and friends with benefits, not someone I consistently slept with for months. Tat came close and while we had intimacy, we didn't have sex that often for a huge reason. Being with MD and only MD since September renewed this feeling again. I know this is probably why I'm falling in love with him...

Patti Stanger seems to have it right. Sex can complicate things and at this point, I have enough to get sorted without it. I want to be with MD, but he's not available. I like The Gentleman, but I'm not sure if I'm truly available because of my feelings for MD. Plus, I have enough on my mind with money and my job.

Right now I want things to be simple, light-hearted, and fun. There was a point in my life where this would include sex, but that's all changed now. I'm glad.

*FMI: For my information, when I reread this one day.

Tuesday, January 18

It was great!

I am soooo tired. I had insomnia last night and am pretty sure I finally fell asleep around 5am. Ouch! I used to get mad and cry when I couldn't sleep back in the day. Now I know it's just what I do when I'm excited, so I guess it's a good sign!

Before I pass out at 7:30pm, I just wanted to say my first day was great. Nerd great. It was me and five other dorks sitting in a training room looking at data, writing queries, and updating conversion maps. I am so happy I decided to make this my full-time gig rather than settle for part-time side projects my bosses don't/won't/can't understand.

I'll write more this week of course. Right now I need my bed!

I do want to say a quick thanks to Furbie and Tron, my ex-work husbands. Furbie taught me how to use Access, write SQL, kept me as sane as he could when I was at Company, and convinced me I should take this gig. Tron has been my own personal cheerleader since we met last summer. If it wasn't for him I wouldn't have met the recruiter who got me this job, nor would I have the confidence to go for it. Thanks guys. I owe yas big time!

Monday, January 17

Wish me luck, monkeys!

Tomorrow's the big first day at Biz! I'm nerv-cited!! GAH! I have no idea what I'm in store for, so I keep calling it an adventure.

No matter what happens I am so incredibly grateful I have the chance to try something new and was able to leave Minnow. I'm already starting to forget I even worked there once. Friday was ten years ago.

The Gentleman sent me a very nice text wishing me good luck tomorrow. I expected it, which shows how thoughtful and reliable he already is only two weeks in.

I did NOT expect MD to do the same. I hoped he would, but I hoped he'd do a lot of things. I was so shocked and happy that I cried, naturally.

This is such a lovely week! The Jets and Steelers are in the playoffs, I've gotten some positive attention from two nice guys (one vocal, the other mute although he seems to be coming out of his shell), Biz, dinner with the Company girls tomorrow, dinner with college friends Wednesday, and pokher Friday. Life is good!!

Thanks Bacon!

Bakes just texted me this quote: "An ending doesn't have to be sad. It's the only way to begin something new."

I like it.


If you haven't noticed, I am a bit of a tomboy. A tomboy who cries a lot. The stereotypical girly things like make-up, fashion, and Hollywood are not my bag, although I do want to make an effort to be more feminine this year.

Well, this may be the girliest post of all time.

I really want these two dresses. Gorgeous!

Sunday, January 16

You will find true love on Flag Day

I hung out with MD this weekend. I wrote a post about him when I was drunk at 2:30am this morning, then deleted it when I woke up. I rarely delete posts, but I was embarrassed and uncomfortable with what I wrote.

What did I write? I think I'm in love with him.

(The audience groans.)

Believe me. I do NOT want this to be the case. I know he doesn't love me back. It hurts.

We watched the Steelers game yesterday, the Jets game today, and True Grit this evening. Bakes and Juniper were with us, so it wasn't datey or anything. We did hold hands through the movie, though. I melted.

He kissed me last night at the bar and I made myself leave right after. It was so hard to walk away, but I know I won't get over him if we keep hooking up.

I was upset last night and this morning for a bit, but I'm okay now. I want to try to be friends. I care about him too much to cut him out completely.

Sigh. Is it Flag Day yet?

If he only knew.

Fanboy IMed me this the other day:

"you know of all the girls I met on the internet, you def rank highest in the smarts and most mentally together categories"

If he only knew.

In related news, I hate "def" unless you're texting on an ancient blue phone like mine. I hate "definately" more though!


Saturday, January 15

Please sleep!

I'm cracked out wide awake overtired.

I went over to The Gentleman's apartment last night for the first time. He lives with his cousin and brother, which is a little strange because most of the guys I've dated live alone. It's been so long since I had a roommate that I forgot how bittersweet it is: cheaper rent and a constant party vs. chore fights and a constant party.

We probably fell asleep around 2:30am. I sort of fake slept though as his roomies partied in the living room until 6am. They are very cool and entertaining, so it wasn't annoying or anything. I was just bummed that I couldn't sleep. My goal this weekend is to rest, watch football, and go shopping for new work clothes. Unfortunately now I'm too tired to go shopping before the 4pm game, but too awake to nap. Blerg. My revised plan for today is laundry, cleaning, bills, games, bed by 11pm. Score.

I was telling my friend Brawny about how nice The Gentleman is, the latest example being how he emailed me yesterday to say "I hope you have a great last day at work!" So sweet. Brawny's reply: "He sounds great and all, but that's how it should be."

Tat and The Gentleman went/go out of their way to make me feel special. They are communicative, generous, polite, romantic, and all around nice guys. I've dated so many pesky pandas in between that I forgot these basic qualities should be the norm, not a rarity. I realize now if a guy truly does care about me, he shows it. End of story.

The Gentleman tells me I'm beautiful, says he likes hanging out with me, and is quick to make plans for next time. He invited me over last night because he's going skiing for a week and wanted to see me before he left. When I was getting ready to leave this morning he gave me a big hug and said, "I'll definitely talk to you before Tuesday, but good luck at your new job. You will be great."

He is saying and doing everything I wished MD did. This amazes me in The Secret sort of way.

Now the bad news. I'm not sure if The Gentleman and I are a good fit. It saddens me to say this, but there is one thing that's off. The Gentleman hasn't made me laugh yet. I don't recall him even trying to make a funny. This is bothersome as all I am are one-liners and poop jokes. The right guy for me will not only support my schtick, but join it. Hell, maybe even make me funnier (if that's possible, fa!). I'm definitely not ready to throw in the towel yet, but it is something I'm concerned about. There is a dumb commercial with some girl on a horse talking about how she wants to find "a goof for her ball." I hate that I like that line, but that's how I feel.

Universe, you've been listening loud and clear lately so here is an updated list for my blurple balloon: open, honest, communicative, kind, thoughtful, generous, polite, trustworthy, funny, smart, positive, charming, successful, sexy, direct, strong, ginger, freckly...

I could go on for days, but I'm finally ready to take a nap.

Thanks Bears!

My Bear Family friends sent me the cutest gift, a huge fortune cookie with this written inside:

"Wherever you go, go with all your heart. - Confucius. We are so proud of you for not being afraid to try something new and know you'll find success in whatever you do."

I cried. THANK YOU SO MUCH GUYS! It was completely unexpected, totally appreciated, and as big as my head. Heh.

Thursday, January 13

Drunk in 2011

This is the first time I'm drunk in 2011. Technically I went to bed at 4:30am on January 1st, but whatever. Since then I had a stomach flu/intestinal virus/ulcer/smackdown so this is my first enjoyable buzz all year.

Tonight was my going away party from Minnow. What can I say other than I like the people I like and I hate the people I hate. The latter won't matter (rhyme!) and the former I'll see regularly anyway.

Biz is the fifth company and seventh position I've had in ten years. I should be a champ at leaving/transitioning by now. It's different this time around, though. I don't know if it's an age thing or what, but I don't actually feel like I have a new job yet. I'm sure it has to do with the fact that I was sick last week. Everything's been a bit surreal...

Am I typing right now? Is this making sense? Goddamn, I love my Guinness. Please don't take it away!!

PS I like The Gentleman. I wasn't sure if I did, but I do now. Yay!

Wednesday, January 12

Idahold Me

Someone left a floater the size and shape of a potato in my second favorite work toilet today. I stared at it in awe. It was science and magic combined.

Who was this chick? Are we friends? If not, why? Is she Irish? What did she eat? Did it hurt? Did she know? She had to have known. You can't drop a deuce like that without flinching. We have automatic flushers, but why didn't she check to make sure it went down? I always check. Was she showing it off? Was it my going away present? Did she have a lot on her mind? How could she think about anything else? It's all I can think about...

Forget it. I don't want to know. I'm leaving Minnow in two days. It...we...we can never be...

She's the one who got away.

The end of an era.

I made this my Facebook status today...

Dear Publishing career,

Thank you for Summer Fridays, a zillion free books I will never read, my time at Company, hangover-friendly workloads, and all of my amazing friends. It was one hell of a decade!

Love, Me

...and got this response:

Dear Thighs,

We will miss crushing your spirit and making you run around in circles, chasing your own tail. We're very disappointed that you've finally found a job in which you may actually realize your potential. Don't let the door hit you on the way out.

Signed --


Thanks for the laugh, Furbie!! It's funny because it's true.

Tuesday, January 11


I sort of thought The Gentleman might be um, too gentlemanly and tame in the hooking up department.

I was wrong.

Very, very wrong.


Monday, January 10

Slow Your Roll!

I woke up this morning and thought, "I'M NOT SICK! WOO HOO!" I felt like my normally abnormal self.

Today was a good day. I was pretty busy at work trying to catch up from the two days I was out, plus writing up all of my process documentation. Of course my bosses haven't given any thought to an exit plan. This means that everything I do today will basically not be done tomorrow. I love contributing to nothing.

I made it the whole day with only some minor fatigue, but other than that I felt fine. Now I'm home having a bit of a panic attack, probably because I've been too sick to freak out over all the change coming my way. Actually I think that's why I was able to make it through the worst of my flu/bug/virus whatever last week. The excitement and adrenaline of making my decision, giving my notice, and meeting The Gentleman kept me on autopilot until my body said, "You're sick, asshole." and knocked me out.

My heart is racing and I feel a poo coming. Maybe I should exercise instead of type.

Sunday, January 9

Afternoon Update

Coffee was dumb. My stomach is fine, but now I'm caffeineurotic. I need to leave my apartment before I gnaw on it.

Sushi date with The Gentleman is Tuesday. Yay!

I just read my offer letter again. It is lovely. Somehow I managed to overlook that my new title is Financial Systems Consultant. FANCY!

I am saddened by the Giants fucking blowing it this year, but I am psyched the Jets are in the playoffs!! It's nice to have two teams to cheer for, except when they both lose. I considered resurrecting the Boobie Bowl this year, but I think those days are over. The bad thing about always starting new jobs in the first quarter of the year is that I can't take off the day after the superbowl. Ah shit. Or St. Patty's Day. Damn. If I ever start my own company, those days are paid holidays FO' SURE.

Bed-Hopping Floosie

I've been in my apartment for almost 72 hours straight, jumping from my sofa-bed to watch television during the day to my bed-bed for sleeping at night. I am bored. I'm never bored and I am really friggin bored.

Bored looks funny the more you stare at it: bored bored bored bored bored bored bored. Am I spelling it right?

I feel much better now, although my stomach is still gurgling a lot. Stupid fucking flu or whatever it is. Maybe it's hunger gurgles. I haven't really been eating. I totally lost weight this week. Yay me!

I'm about to go for a walk and get some coffee. I hope the coffee doesn't hurt. Maybe it will be the extra push to get this shit out. Literally. Heh.

Today's the first day I didn't wake up all red in quite a while. Maybe the rash is related to being sick? This better be the last time I'm sick all fucking year. I'll kill a bitch if it isn't!!

Ugh. I got nothing new to say. I watched Kick-Ass again and Hit Girl is still one of my favorite characters of all time. I also watched The Wedding Planner and it is still one of the shittiest movies of all time. A few years ago I was waiting for friends at McSorley's (I can't remember who) and I chatted up the guy next to me. His name was Matt. Really cute and gruffy, but too petite for me. Anyways, he and his friend ended up joining my group at a table. Later on I said to him, "You know, you really do look like Matthew McConaughey." He and his friend laughed so hard that it still makes me wonder if it actually was him. Whoops! I believe this was pre-bongo and shirt always off M.M., so sue me.

Speaking of Matts, MD texted me with the usual Friday "What r u doing tonight?" at a time early enough to not be considered a standard booty call, but late enough to remind me he doesn't want a relationship. Blerg.

The Gentleman emailed and texted me a couple of times to see how I was feeling. So sweet! We said we'd go out for sushi once I feel better and I'm thinking I can rally to do that tonight. The restaurant is right down the block from Delilah, so I should be able to handle it. Might need to avoid the wasabi though. Ha! I typed "wasabbit" on accident first.

I can't believe this is my last week at Minnow! Tennis asked that I document all of my processes before I leave. I pretty much have everything documented already. What can I say? I love to write even when it's nerdy stuff. I hope I feel well enough this week to enjoy my friends' company, get everything I want to get done, and have fun at my going away party on Thursday. Oh yeah, if anyone wants to come and meet these fools, shoot me and email!

Saturday, January 8

I love therapy.

I really, really do. However, I love this commercial too.

Friday, January 7


I just realized I've been writing "balling" instead of "bawling" all of these years. I know my grammar ain't great, but I hate when I misspell, even when I'm making up words.

I blame my accent.


Do I have an accent?

Thursday, January 6

Oh and...

I also have rosacea. I thought so. I'm more red and splotchy than usual lately. My mutant skin has turned into perma-drunk skin.

Speaking of drinking, I believe I am allergic to yeast. I've noticed for a couple of months now I can't drink the high alcohol content beers I love. I started New Year's Eve off with a Dogfish Head and I couldn't even finish it. The Donkey Down was my last craft beer day.

The only beer I've been able to handle is Guinness, which is totally fine by me. I've always been a Guinness girl. I checked online and it looks like there isn't much yeast in it since it's a low ABV beer. Phew! While I just wrote I need to live a healthier lifestyle, I am not quite ready to become an O'Doul's girl yet.

When it counts.

After such a lovely date with The Gentleman, I thought I'd have a lovely morning gushing about him. Yeah...not so much.

My stomach was really fucked this weekend and all day Monday. I wasn't in pain, though. My whole abdomen was sore when I moved and to the touch and I was very lightheaded. Tuesday and Wednesday I felt a lot better, although I was struggling to keep my focus at times. It feels like I'm in a fog and the lights can go out any second. I also haven't been hungry at all, which for my 180 pound ass is a definite issue. My steak dinner last night went half uneaten. Blasphemy!

This morning I woke up and felt extra out of it. My stomach was okay, but I was super nauseous and spaced out. I figured it would pass, so I made myself go to work. Plus, as a single person with no roommates, sometimes I'd rather the shit hit the fan in public instead of passing out alone in my apartment.

Well pass out I almost did. The subway ride made me ten times more nauseous and woozy. All I kept thinking is "Just get to work. Just get to work." Breen and Ceej knew I haven't been feeling well, so at least they could explain my symptoms to a doctor should I keel over on my desk.

When I finally got to my office I started bawling. I knew I had to go to the hospital and I was so incredibly embarrassed about it. I know it's silly, but I feel like I'm ALWAYS at the doctor between implants bursting and panic attacks and thyroid stuff, so for me to go back AGAIN was too much. I'm fucking 32 not 82! Damn it Ruth Clare!

Rockstar works at Minnow so I called her, since a) she's one of my best friends and b) she used to have Crohn's really bad and would know what hospital to go to. Without hesitation she got me in cab and off we went to St. Luke's Roosevelt. I was admitted and sort of diagnosed with a virus, possibly an intestinal flu.

FLU!?!?! The fucking flu! I seriously thought I had a bleeding ulcer or something. Thank god I don't, but the flu?!?! I started crying again because I felt even more embarrassed than before. I didn't think I was a pussy, but I guess I am!

It gets better. I had called my parents when I was still at work. Unbeknownst to me, my dad hopped on the first train from NJ and came to the hospital. I started crying AGAIN, this time because I am fortunate.

I don't know if they consistently read this and my dad doesn't at all (please God), but I am so thankful to have such good friends and family. People who will be there when it counts. I've been happily crying all day about it because I realized that I am so blessed to have a phone full of people who would drop anything if I needed them. Ceej and Breen helped calm me down at the office and validated that I should go to the hospital. Rocks sat with me for two hours in the ER. My dad not only travelled from New Brunswick to Manhattan, but also got me in a cab home to Queens, went out to get me ginger ale and crackers, took mass transit back to New Brunswick, and then drove the hour home to Jackson. I feel lucky and guilty at the same time.

The reason I wrote "sort of diagnosed" is the doctor explained there isn't a real diagnosis or treatment for viral infections. I have to let it run its course. I still think it was triggered by a food allergy or a digestive issue, but what do I know.

Actually I do know some things. I know I binge drink, eat poorly, don't exercise, and overstress. I wasn't planning on making any resolutions this year because I never keep them, but after this awful week it's pretty obvious what I have to do. I have to live a healthier lifestyle.

I thought the timing really sucked with the new gig and The Gentleman, but then I remembered I don't believe in timing. If I did, I'd have to say it's perfect. I might have spent my last week at Minnow going out for drinks every night, eating pub grub, and staying out late, slowly making myself sick for my first week at...shit what should I call this new place? I'll call it Biz. I really have no idea what I'm in store for at Biz, so I need to bring my A+ game right off the bat. Not that I wouldn't anyway, but I think I'm going right to a client's office my first day. I definitely want to feel better by then!

So that was my day. Shit always be interesting in these parts!

Wednesday, January 5

Courted! Me!

I still haven't picked out a nickname yet! Unfortunately he has the same first name as Tennis (which is not Tennis), so I've been shortening it to D. I don't like it though! Bah!

HE is so sweet. I have never been courted like this before. Not only did we talk for about an hour on Monday, but we also hung out at the bar with some friends last night and he took me out to dinner tonight. Dinner lasted four hours, even though we finished eating probably around hour two. I had no idea that much time passed.

Cutest thing ever, he texted me saying "I'll meet you there at 7pm." I assumed this meant the restaurant, but no, he actually came to my apartment to pick me up on the way. I was already at the restaurant though, so it was an adorable miscommunication. When he got there a few minutes later the conversation flowed, eyes twinkled, and I made him laugh a couple times (I love making well, anyone laugh but especially a new fella). He paid, walked me home, and the night ending with a nice, polite PG kiss. He's easily the most gentlemanly guy I have dated since Tat.

Eureka! Nickname = The Gentleman.

The Gentleman and I will probably hang out again on Friday, too. In a word, you know what this is? EASY! It's so friggin easy! I like him, he likes me, and we hang out. The end.

Jesus Christ every guy I dated last year was difficult. Me, them, the situation. It sucked!

The Gentleman is seriously blowing MD out of the water. He's shown more effort in the four days I've known him than MD did in the four months we did whatever the fuck it was we were doing. Oh. Right. Drinking, watching football, and having sex. Really good sex, but shit. I can have really good sex by myself, too.

The truth is MD didn't like me the way I want to be like. The Gentleman does. And it feels really, really good!

Funny thing, so Fanboy and I have stayed in touch through Facebook. He asked if he could call me yesterday to get my take on some dating experiences he's had since our date. I said, sure why not. Good dating charity is good dating karma. WELL, Fanboy starts off by thanking me for calling him to say I'm not interested. He said it sucked at the time, but he really appreciated my honesty and consideration. That made me feel good. Then he went on to tell me about the girl he's been seeing. Phrases like "she just got out of a relationship", "she didn't call me back for days", and "there are so many mixed signals" came out of the phone like word balloons. That made me feel bad. He was describing my relationship with MD and you know what, it sounded pathetic. PATHETIC! If I ever, ever kill myself over someone who isn't interested again please punch me in the facenuts!!

Anyways I'm enjoying The Gentleman's company. I don't know what's going to happen, but all I do know is he's cute, kind, communicative, and interested. I'm sold.


Monday, January 3

55 minutes!

Yay first phone call! We might hang out tomorrow, but if I'm not feeling well (I better!) we'll try again for later this week.

It's funny, I don't feel a nickname for him yet...

2011, Holy Shit

Drumroll please...

I accepted the consulting gig! Hooray!! Thanks to everyone who listened to my concerns and gave me such good advice.  An extra big thanks to Furbie, who helped me make my final decision yesterday.  I was on the fence all weekend and he made me climb it.  Or jump off it?  Whatever.   Let's hope I don't rip my jeans on the way down.

A gave my notice to Minnow this morning.  It wasn't as fun as I imagined it would be only because I got some weird stomach bug/possible reaction to a food allergy at Juniper's party Saturday night.  IT'S ALWAYS SOMETHING.  I ate a lot when I got there - chocolate cupcake, pizza, hummus with chips, a few sips of espresso vodka, and a Sierra Nevada - and WHAM.  I got hot flashes, the sweats, lightheaded, and I couldn't eat or drink anything except water the rest of the night.  It SUCKED.  Yesterday I laid on my sofabed all day moaning and whining.  It feels like a combination of getting punched in the gut and puking too much even though I didn't puke.  Oh and I lost my voice again.

It's probably better off I didn't feel well today because it stopped me from beaming when I told Tennis and Nun I was leaving.  Nun offered to counter. I declined.  I would have stayed if they were able to create the position I've always wanted there and matched my salary increase, but that wasn't happening any time soon.  My last day is Friday the 14th.  My three year anniversary would have been February 4th.  I can't believe I still haven't stayed somewhere three years yet!*

In other news, despite feeling like shit at Juniper's I met a guy!  He walked in and we both looked at each other and kind of did a double-take. At least it seemed like he did! Anyways we talked for a while. He's a big sports fan and get this, has seen sixteen ballparks. He's cute, too!! I'm in Like.

We traded phone numbers and I totally wanted to call him yesterday, but since my voice is shot I put it off. I'm glad I did. He called me while I was on the train home from work tonight. HE called ME! Do you know how fucking refreshing it is to not feel like I have to steer or get a stupid text from a pussy guy who is too afraid to call? WOO HOO!! Fingers crossed we hang out this week!

I must say 2011 is starting out awesome. New Year's at Crazy Ass was a blast. Saturday I met someone. Today I left Minnow. I can't wait to find out what tomorrow will bring! At the very least I hope I feel better!

*Yes I can.

Cute, right?

This is how my mom signs emails:

Love ya,

She's really growing on me.