Sunday, January 30

The Nothing Weekend 2

I guess it's impossible to have a nothing weekend. I am always doing something, ie sleeping or watching TV*.

I heard from The Gentleman yesterday afternoon. He apologized saying...shit, what did he even say? I don't know, something about not realizing I wanted to meet that early. Then he asked if I wanted to go to a Rangers or Knicks game this coming week. Knicks please! I've never been to a pro basketball game. Score!

I hadn't really eaten all morning since I was waiting on him, so around 2:30pm I decided to go to the diner around the corner by my lonesome. I used to go a lot during my bloody mary phase a few years back. It was acceptable to drink them at noon as long as I was brunching.

While I was waiting for my food (A chicken and feta wrap. I didn't eat the wrap.) I started to feel weird. I really don't know how to describe what I've been feeling all week. It's a combination of fatigue, fog, and disconnection. At the diner I felt something different, sort of like I smoked dust. (No wonder I'm falling apart at 32.) Everything around me looked so real it seemed fake: my salad, the booth, the red shiny snowflakes that spun from the ceiling (they were really there), my hands. Even now as I type this I'm looking at my "fake" iMac and purple walls and wonder when they will seem normal again. It's almost like an absent presence. I'm here, but I'm not.

All of a sudden I started to think I might get up on the table and start howling. Okay, maybe that was a stretch but I did feel like I was going to lose it and make a scene. I had the waiter wrap the rest of my wrap without the wrap and I went home.

I stayed in the rest of the night. I talked on the phone, texted with MD, meditated, wrote, and watched American Beauty. I haven't seen it in years. I forgot how much I love that movie. I cried through most of it. It felt good. Crying always does.

This morning it occurred to me that maybe I haven't had the release I need lately. I obviously made a huge life change this month with leaving Minnow and starting a new career at Biz. I haven't given myself time to reflect on either, mostly because it all happened so fast. I guess I don't know what hit me.

I'm starting to wonder if I am sick. My personal history has shown I make myself physically ill when I'm not psychically balanced. If I don't manage my stress, my body knocks me out and forces me to chill. This frustrates me to no end, which doesn't help the matter.

Today I decided to relax and play it by ear. I already went to the store and did laundry. Bacon came over and watched me cook eggs. Next up is cleaning, some exercising, possibly a walk because it's so gorgeous out, and a couple hours of work. MD and I might hang out a bit later. If not, I'll meet Bakes and Jarv out for dinner. If I feel stressed I will sit with it for as long as I need, then move on with my day.

I'm going to live like I feel well with the hope that maybe I will.

* It feels awkward writing "tv" so I choose to write "TV". Discuss.

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