I know, I know. It's not over!! Gah!
I'm very sad about Carrie Fisher passing. I love her!! And I think I'm even sadder because I realize now I love her more than I thought I did. I guess that's how death works. Or is that how life works?
I am curious about 2016 being the "year of celebrity death". Is it possible we are just reaching the age when the stars we love pass? I'm not sure and really, it doesn't help anyone feel better, but I looked at the numbers.
I used Wikipedia to find famous American or British deaths (I'm not very familiar with other countries' celebrities or notable people) of 2005, 2014, and 2016. If I heard of the name, I marked them as "known." My findings are that 2016 was a bad year to be a musician and that I only knew 6 more notable people who passed this year vs. 2014.
Take it for what you will.
Wednesday, December 28
I know, I know. It's not over!! Gah!
Tuesday, December 20
It's dead in my office. DEAD. There's plenty I could be doing, but I'm not doing any of it. I don't know why I have a successful career. I am the worst procrastinator. I am horrible at hitting deadlines, so I make sure I don't have any deadlines. It's sort of ridiculous. I'm sloooooowly cleaning out my inbox. There's 300 emails in there, which is a lot for me. I typically use my inbox as my to do list, so I rarely have more than 50. I am email OCD, but since the wedding I've let it get (relatively) out of hand.
We're off to Pittsburgh Thursday night! I'm excited to see my in-laws. I wish they were local. I'm sort of burnt out from plans and travels, so it would be great if we didn't have to drive so far. Luckily we don't have to go further! Last trip we drove halfway and stayed at a hotel. I like breaking it up a bit. Then we're not exhausted the day we get there. It's really only a six hour drive, but since I can't eat fast food and I pee a lot, it ends up being about a nine hour trip. Oops.
I was going to make this my year end review post, but I think I'll wait. This is my "I'm bored at work and there's no one to IM and even though the internet has LITERALLY millions of things to read I don't feel like reading anything especially because a lot of it will be about Trump and he and his supporters can go fuck themselves so instead I will write about nothing and will challenge myself to make this the longest sentence I have ever written but now that I just wrote that I am bored by the challenge and shall stop" post.
I'm rarely bored. I always find something to keep me occupied. Not today though, apparently.
This is going to be a very long day.
Written by THIGHS around 11:30 AM
Thursday, November 10
The past month has been a whirlwind of emotions. The wedding prep, the wedding itself, being married, losing a friend, and now the election.
I can't stop crying. I can never stop crying, but now these are tears for my country.
I am white, I am straight, I am both agnostic and polytheistic (if that makes sense). I am terrified for non-whites, for LGBTQ, for anyone not Christian. I am scared they are going to be more abused than ever now that the president condones hatred, racism, homophobia, Islamophobia, anti-semitism, the list goes on and on.
I am in the upper middle class. I have no problem paying more taxes to help people survive. I am scared that things will get worse for the less fortunate.
As a 38 year old woman, I am worried for my reproductive health and rights. What happens if I get pregnant at 42 while on Klonopin? It's a class D drug, which means there is a high chance of birth defects. While I hope I never have to be faced with the decision to abort, I can't believe I may not have the choice.
For the middle of the country who feels ignored, I do not understand your logic. You supposedly want small government, you want to dismantle welfare programs, you think people should take personal responsibility for their life choices. If you're homeless, get a job! If you're poor, get a better job! If you're a single parent scraping to get by, you shouldn't have had kids! Why aren't you looking into the mirror and saying the same thing to yourself? Your coal mining job went away, well then, why did you go into that industry? Why didn't you go to college and get a white collar job? Not so easy, is it? The reality is, you want the government to help YOU, but no one else.
I do not want to be friends with a Trump supporter. This is beyond regular Republican vs. Democrat ideals. This is giving power to those who will use it for hate, for violence, and for shame. I am not open-minded or tolerant of those who selfishly voted for this man for their own personal gain. You may not identify as a racist or sexist or anything-ist, but you sure as fuck are okay with it and that means I don't want you in my life. Before the internet and social media, I wouldn't befriend you, so why pretend I have to accept you now?
I am at a loss. I don't know what to do, how to help, how to protect the Muslims in my neighborhood, or any of my minority and gay friends. Do I run for office? If this piece of shit can win, maybe a bipolar woman with a sordid past can? Do I quit my cushy job and work for non-profits? Do I take self-defense courses to ward off the pussy grabbing? Do I get my tubes tied so I don't have to worry about my reproductive rights? Do I bother trying to change the mind of those who don't share my values? Do I open up my home to people living in fear in red states? How do I handle my relationship with my in-laws who most likely voted for him? How do I go to work in a female-dominated industry, but male-dominated senior management, where all of my white and rich bosses were joking and laughing like nothing happened because to them, nothing did happen? How do I explain to my well-meaning white, straight male friends that posting "The people have spoken." or "Better luck in 2020." or "Stay positive." shows how privileged they are? How how how??
Last night I got really drunk for the first time in two years. It wasn't the best idea as I feel like shit today and I shouldn't be drinking on my meds at all, but I needed to be fucked up for a bit.
My head is out of the sand, my eyes are open, my life is changed forever. Now I need to figure out what to do with it.
Written by THIGHS around 10:40 AM
Thursday, October 20
It's my wedding day!
I'M GETTING MARRIED! WHAT THE FUCK? HOLY SHIT!
I'm on the train to go get my hair done, then go to Spags' apartment to get ready.
This is crazy. It's here so quickly. That was the point, but I can't believe it's October 20th already.
I don't know what to say. I don't know what to think. I'm on the verge of tears and a big post-coffee dump.
I just want everyone to have fun. I want to have fun. I want MD to have fun. FUN MOTHERFUCKERS! MOTHER-FUN-KERS!
This is crazy. I'm so excited.
Written by THIGHS around 7:32 AM
Monday, October 17
Wootie woot!! In the home stretch now!
The weekend was good. Well, sort of. On Saturday my mood swings were on overdrive, so that kind of sucked. I was happy, excited, cranky, irritable, overwhelmed, calm, cheerful, sad, and HUNGRY. All I did was eat.
MD and I went to Crazy Ass that night. I looked up at the sky and it was a full moon!! No wonder I felt so off! (Juniper is going to groan reading that sentence.)
Yesterday I felt much better. I walked around all day, watched the Giants pull out a win, and had a lovely dinner date with MD. We went to the restaurant we ate at the night we got engaged. Fun fact: we got engaged eleven weeks ago. Ha ha!!
I'm working from home today, which is good because I'm moody again. Lots of little things keep popping up - more people are coming, some aren't coming (thank god I don't have assigned seating, that must be a nightmare), questions, and what have you. Nothing crazy, but I feel a bit overwhelmed. I just told Bakes that I'm going to mentally picture myself in catcher's gear, so that I can field all the fastballs, curveballs, and wild pitches flung at me over the next few days.
My to do list is super short:
1. Tonight is dinner with my mom and her best friend who I haven't seen in years.
2. Tomorrow I'm dropping off everything at Houston Hall
3. Clean the apartment because MD's brother, sister, and her boyfriend are staying here while we're at the hotel.
4. Pack for hotel and pack a separate bag for the Wedding Day.
5. Practice make-up because I'm too cheap to hire anyone and the only trial I did made me look like a hooker clown.
6. Try try try to enjoy this week! It'll be over before I know it!
Written by THIGHS around 2:59 PM
Friday, October 14
I don't know the last time I had a drink. I mean, the first last time. The last time I had a drink was Monday at a dinner with my friends who were in town for comic-con and won't be back for the wedding.
I slowed the drinking down a bit in 2014, the year of mental illness hell. In 2015 I believe I had five drinks - two glasses of wine on Christmas, three on New Year's Eve. This year I've drank more - a glass of wine on Valentine's Day, a couple of glasses of sangria on my birthday, a glass of sangria in California, two glasses of sangria on the day we got engaged, a couple of glasses of wine...obviously there's a pattern. For some reason I believe drinking sangria and wine are okay. They're fruit, right? I'd say maybe once every couple of months I have a glass, although I have been drinking a bit more the past few weeks to take the edge off.
You know what else takes the edge off? Weed. It's great. I don't smoke often, but I am stoned now and feel mighty fiiiiiine...
My favorite alcoholic drink pre-wino '16 was vodka and soda with a splash of cranberry. Now all I drink is water, coffee, and seltzer with cran.
For the past hour I've tried to get myself off the couch to go get seltzer. Braless and pajamaed, the odds were pretty low I'd go anywhere. I texted MD to see if he'd leave the bar and bring me some:
ME: Can you bring me seltzer? I don't want to get up.
[one minute passes]
ME: Don't ignore me.
MD: Haha! No!
ME: Now I gotta put a bra and pants on. Thanks Obama!
ME: I'll give you a hundred dollars.
ME: Can you bring me seltzer?
I FINALLY put on some jeans (no bra) and went to the store. I bought two 20 oz plastic bottles.
I kid you not, it took me 7 minutes to open one of those suckers. I twisted and twisted until my hand stung. I was going to use my teeth and thought, "I'm getting married, I don't want to crack any!" Then I used a knife and thought, "I'm getting married, I can't cut myself!" Then I tried tongs, but there was no grip. I twisted again and still couldn't open either of them.
So then I used my teeth...
and I'm fine. Nothing happened. Cap came right off.
My drink has sat on the table for the 20 or so minutes I've been writing. I forgot all about it.
Written by THIGHS around 9:27 PM
I picked up my dress Wednesday night and had a little meltdown. The back looked really baggy for some reason. I brought it home anyway because I didn't want to deal with another round of alterations this close to the wedding.
I cried to my parents and they were amazing. They came right over yesterday morning (I worked from home) and fixed it. Apparently one of my EIGHT layers of tulle was bunched up inside, so now it looks perfect.
Four of those layers were of this big puffy slip I was pressured into buying. I totally fell for the upsell. I already ditched the corset because THEY ARE AWFUL and now I ditched the slip, too!! I feel SO much better with none of that shit underneath. Unfortunately my gut sticks out now, but I like to think of it as "a pot" a la this scene in Pulp Fiction:
Last night Juniper helped me put the favors together. They're perfect! I won't say what they are in case anyone still reads this shiz.
Today after lunch I went to Century 21 to buy some pearl earrings. I'm not really a pearl girl - necklaces maybe, snootch - but the hairclip I bought has some pearl in it, so I thought it might look nice.
I totally had a mini-anxiety attack. I'm on so many meds now that I don't usually go full blown. ACK ACK ACK ACK. I'm getting married in six days! ACK!
MD has stayed out late every night this week and probably will next week, too. I'm trying not to take it as a personal blow off, but really dude? He's only been going out twice a week for months, but ever since we got engaged he's been out all of the time. I know that's his way of blowing off steam and stress, but I'm annoyed. Blerg.
I don't have any plans this weekend and I can't tell if this is a good thing or a bad thing. Maybe having too much time on my hands will make me go mental. Maybe I should go drinking with Cuba Gooding Jr. until 3am one night. (That was MD's Wednesday, not kidding.) Maybe I should be wasted from now until Thursday! Fuck it, I'll be wasted from now until eternity!! E-TER-NI-TY.
BLAH. (I just said that out loud while sitting in my open-floor plan cubicle. Oops.)
Written by THIGHS around 4:15 PM
Wednesday, October 12
Done and done.
Written by THIGHS around 2:50 PM
You know the hardest part about getting married?
It's not MD's nerves (and boy, is he nervous). It's not my nerves or mania (well, more on that later). It's not the commitment, although strangely enough I'm having dreams where I'm hooking up with randos. It's not the planning or the money or any of the normal stuff.
No, for me, the hardest part about getting married is the love.
I've never felt this loved in my entire life.
I fell in love with MD pretty quickly. It took him about a year later to fall in love with me. I'm not exactly sure when I was fully able to accept his love. I think it might have been December 2012. I probably wrote about it. We broke up "FOR GOOD" on Election Day. Stuff happened, then one day right before Christmas I left my apartment to buy Rippie a gift. MD was standing at my door. He missed his flight and couldn't get another one until the next day. When he left the airport, all he could think about was me, so he came right over. It is the only time he's ever surprised me.
We didn't officially get back together that night because he still was dragging his feet on his divorce, but I think it was then that I realized how much he loved me and truly accepted it.
This summer I came to terms with the fact that my parents love me.
And now, with 130 people coming to my wedding and 50 others who wish they could be there, and the amazing well wishes from people I didn't invite, I am slowly coming to terms with the fact that my friends love me, too.
Isn't it ridiculous I am unaware of this? I mean, I love my friends more than anything. Of course they love me back! It's just that I never really consciously thought about it.
I AM LOVED.
What is this life???
Written by THIGHS around 9:30 AM
Tuesday, October 11
I'M MARRYING MATT DONKEY!!! AAAAAHHHHH!!
August 19th I bought a dress.
August 25th we went to Pittsburgh and I had a Sister Day with MD's sister and sister-in-law. Now I have two sisters! (Three if you count Rippie's girlfriend!)
Mid-September I had two wonderful bridal showers with family and friends.
There's been lots of stuff in between that I can't remember, which is why I'm writing about the next nine days. I don't want to forget any of this!!
I'M GETTING MARRIED MOTHER FUCKERS!!
Written by THIGHS around 11:12 AM
Wednesday, December 30
I'm so excited to be writing right now. Maybe I said this in my last post over a year ago? Probably not because last year was a mindfuck. Thankfully 2015 was a good year. Was it odd years that are good and even years that are bad? Whatever. This was a good odd year.
Thank you 2015 for being back pain free!
Written by THIGHS around 1:36 PM
Wednesday, August 27
MD visited his family in Pittsburgh for a few days. He left Wednesday night and returned Monday night. It was the first time I was in our apartment by myself.
I didn't like being without him AT ALL. I missed him so much that I cried a little everyday. Is that romantic or pathetic?
Don't get me wrong, I wasn't in the fetal position hiding under the bed or anything. I had lunch with Breen and Bacon, walked around the neighborhood a lot, finished reading Harry Potter, went out to lunch on my lonesome. All of the things I'd normally do had I still been single in Delilah. The difference is I wouldn't have felt so damn lonely.
I rarely ever feel lonely. I couldn't remember the last time I did, so I actually searched Thighs by "lonely" to find out. I figured I would have blogged about it.
I did. The last time I felt lonely was May 29, 2009. How lucky am I??? That was when Bacon stayed with me in my apartment for a month. So there ya have it! It's cohabitation's fault! Moral of the story - live alone forever!!
Just kidding. I guess it's obvious that with every new chapter in life there will be new feelings and perspectives. I just didn't realize how many.
This weekend I was scared of becoming codependent, that I was going to be one of those women who can't do shit without their man. I've always been so independent and carefree, doing whatever the fuck I want when I want. But what happens if I was independent only because I was forced to be because I was single?
That doesn't seem right, though. Not all single women are independent. I don't know many who would travel to new cities by themselves. And I do plenty of things without MD, like go to museums, movies, shows, and ballgames. I just prefer he was with me, so we can share the experience together.
That's it!! I'm not codependent! I'm an independent woman who is in love and feels lonely when my boyfriend isn't around. That's completely acceptable normal person behavior! PHEW!
Written by THIGHS around 11:45 AM
Written by THIGHS around 10:42 AM
Wednesday, August 13
Robin Williams passed away this week from an apparent suicide. It's hard to comprehend. Like most celebrity deaths this is a public reminder that we are mortal, that dying is a part of living.
For those of us with mental illness, it's a reminder that our struggle is very real and sadly, can lead to fatal consequences.
I've been wanting to write all over Facebook about what it's like to have depression, to be diagnosed as bipolar, to me me me his death. I want to shout and scream and say HEY, this isn't one random case, many people suffer, and two weeks from now when you're posting dancing cat videos, I will still be struggling to stay afloat. I didn't do it, though. I'm not sure why. I guess it makes me feel more self-absorbed to declare things like this on social media rather than my personal blog. Maybe I'm a little embarrassed, too. I don't think I've ever "came out" before other than here.
When I was diagnosed as bipolar in January it was, naturally, bittersweet. On the one hand I finally understood why I have such intense emotions and manic behavior. On the other, I felt like my whole life was a lie. Who am I really? Who would I be without my ups and downs? Was I born this way or was it learned behavior to survive my childhood? If I was emotionally stable, would I have left so many jobs? Had sex for sport? Speak my mind? What does emotional stability feel like? Will I know it when I have it? Will I ever be free to be me, whoever "me" is?
It seems the real confusion over Robin Williams' death is understanding how a hilarious man who brought so much joy to people can suffer to the point of no return. The quick answer is to say he was wearing a mask to hide his pain, the old sad clown idea. I don't think this is true, though. At least it's not for me. When I am up I truly feel positive, joyful, connected, and loved. When I am down I truly feel hopeless, despair, depressed, and angry. There are no masks. I've always been a mood ring and could never hide shit about how I feel. And I bet Robin was the same way. Or maybe I just want him to be like me.
This year has been really hard. I started weaning off Zoloft in August, then went to Lamictal in January. I was all over the dosage spectrum starting from 25mg going up to 300mg back down to 50mg. I was down all of the time. My depression, anxiety, anger, and irritability were awful. I hated the world and I hated myself. If I did laugh and smile, it was involuntary. I never really felt like I was doing either, if that makes sense. I didn't want to do anything, except curl up and hide. Basically I didn't want to exist. Thankfully I never reached the point of being suicidal. I wanted to vanish, but not die.
Risperdal was thrown into the mix at some point. I started taking one as needed to help me through my panic attacks. Now I'm on 75mg of Lamictal once a day and .25mg of Risperdal twice a day. I'm happy (YES HAPPY!) to report I feel much better now. I've been on this regimen for three weeks and feel more up than I have all year. I still have some issues, but at least I'm heading in the right direction. It has not been easy trying to find the best dosage. Maybe I'm not even on the best, but I'm definitely on better ones. I hear this is a very minimal amount of medication, so I guess I'm lucky? I don't know...
Lucky to me is MD, who can feel happy, angry, sad, anything without questioning if he's too happy, too angry, too sad, too anything. Lucky is someone who doesn't doubt what they feel and think is real or valid. Lucky is someone who can simply be.
But do I really think having a mental illness is unlucky? Since I'm feeling good, no it's not unlucky. It's a shame to have to go through this, but it is what it is. If I asked myself this a month ago, I'd probably say fuck you you fucking fucktard.
I don't know how I want this post to end. Maybe it's because I don't know how my life with mental illness will end. I hope for the sake of my family and friends, it does not end in suicide. I know this must be a horrible thing to read, but unfortunately it could be the path I take. It could be the path for anyone, really.
Hopefully Robin Williams' death will reduce the likelihood of this happening. Maybe now there will be more awareness and acceptance of those suffering, as well as financial investments into clinical trials and making mental healthcare more affordable. If I didn't have help, I don't know where I would be.
If you or someone you know needs help, please call the Suicide Prevention Hotline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255). You’ll be connected to a skilled, trained counselor at a crisis center in your area, anytime 24/7.
Written by THIGHS around 1:19 PM
Wednesday, July 30
When Harpoon moved downtown, my department decided to give us a work from home day for morale. Such an awesome gesture. I picked Wednesdays to break up the week. WHIP'EM OUT WEDNESDAYS! "EM" are my thighs not my breasts, though. I never wear pants when I'm home. This is probably why I never have guests either.
I realize now we should have gotten a new place. If you're money-focused, then moving into a cheaper apartment is probably all that matters. If you're like me, and looking for a safe-haven, then don't take the easy and cheap route. Find a place that speaks to you. MD's apartment doesn't. Or maybe I'm just not listening.
Maybe it would have helped if I had all of my stuff here. Delilah's furniture was hand me down, so I tossed it all except for my bed, desk, and bookcase. They are set up in the second bedroom along with most of my other belongings. I guess I feel a bit like my stuff is banished to the room we never use. Actually I don't know why I never use it. Huh. I need to make a point to hang out in there more often.
I also don't really like the layout. The stove shares the wall with the bedroom. How is that possible?? I've never heard of such a thing. I asked MD if we can switch the bedroom and living room, but the living room faces the street so it's super loud. Oh that's another thing. Our building is an "H" design, and we are in the "-" part so we don't have a view or get a lot of light. Delilah was super bright with a great view and the stove on the opposite end of the apartment!!! She was the best!! WAH!
Our apartment number is 3EB, so naturally I named the place Threebio like C-3PO's Threepio nickname. Naturally. The name isn't really sticking though. I find myself saying "Bye Dee" still, then quickly saying "Bye Threeb!" as to not hurt its feelings.
I just really want my best friend back. Yeah, yeah, I live with my real best friend now and it's awesome blah, blah, blah. It's not the same though. Delilah and I were together for ten years. TEN YEARS. It will take time to get over her. Or maybe I never will. She'll always be my first true home.
Written by THIGHS around 11:50 AM
Obviously I've had quite the tumultuous relationship with M. It took us a long time to get our shit together, but in the end it was all worth it. I learned two very important things:
Written by THIGHS around 11:04 AM
Tuesday, July 22
I hadn't shaved my armpits in about a week. A strange oversight since I usually shave them everyday or, at least every day I shower. Weekends are iffy.
Written by THIGHS around 9:20 AM
Friday, July 18
It's Friday night and I'm home. I didn't have any plans this week except for two therapy appointments. That's kind of my life now. Or is it? I don't know. I have this habit of forgetting what my life was like a week ago, a month ago, whenever. The laps around the fishbowl are getting shorter.
Written by THIGHS around 9:37 PM