I hadn't shaved my armpits in about a week. A strange oversight since I usually shave them everyday or, at least every day I shower. Weekends are iffy.
Tuesday, July 22
Friday, July 18
It's Friday night and I'm home. I didn't have any plans this week except for two therapy appointments. That's kind of my life now. Or is it? I don't know. I have this habit of forgetting what my life was like a week ago, a month ago, whenever. The laps around the fishbowl are getting shorter.
Written by THIGHS around 9:37 PM
Thursday, April 11
Check this article out. A guy broke a Guinness World Record by hitting all of the ballparks in less than a month. It's a pretty cool idea, although his accounts of the trip don't seem very fun. If you're cheering for outs rather than enjoying the game, then what's the point?
I Googled "what do you get for a guinness world record". Answer: nothing except bragging rights.
On second thought, I sort of get it. I do like telling sports fans about my baseball trips because it makes for great conversation. I don't think it's ever gotten me laid or anything, but it does create a bond of sorts. I like seeing the light bulb go off as others realize they could do the same thing on their travels. I've had quite a few people say I inspired them to go, especially to Wrigley. I can't say it enough (or I can but won't stop) - ALL BASEBALL FANS MUST GO TO WRIGLEY.
Huh. I never considered rating them all. Here's my list, best to worst. This is based on my gut feeling and hazy memory.
Angel Stadium of Anaheim
Jacobs Field (now Progressive Field)
Citizens Bank Park
new Yankees Stadium
U.S. Cellular Field
Written by THIGHS around 11:51 AM
Wow. This might be the longest I've gone without blogging since 2008. Crazy. There's so much to catch up on, some of it fun good, some of it stressful good. Let's start with the fun good...BASEBALL!
I've decided to spend my tax return on ballpark trips this year. Flights are so friggin' cheap right now it seems stupid not to pounce on them!
Ballpark #20 - Toronto Blue Jays
Last Friday, April 5th I went to Toronto. I was there approximately 28 hours. I love fast turnaround trips. It feels like such an adventure!! I packed in a ton of sightseeing by walking everywhere. Seriously, EVERYWHERE. I tracked my trek on gmaps-pedometer when I got back and I calculated 7.5 miles before I got bored of clicking. My estimate is at least 9 miles of walking. So great. There are a ton of beautiful churches, buildings, and artwork all around town, especially in the Kensington Market area which is a lot like Haight Ashbury in San Francisco. As for tourist attractions, I went to the Hockey Hall of Fame, up the 1800 ft CN Tower, and of course, Rogers Centre for a Blue Jays game.
My Biz coworker/friend Dawn lives in Toronto, but is a Boston Red Sox fan. The two teams played each other that night, so she treated me to great seats about 20 rows behind the Sox dugout. I'm not a huge fan of domes, however this one was nice, much nicer than the Rays' field. I don't think there was anything spectacular about the park, but I think that's why I liked it so much. It was a no nonsense baseball experience.
I was surprised to find Blue Jays fans being as dickish as New York ones. There was a lot of booing, paper airplanes thrown on the field, and even a fight with beer cans being thrown at a Red Sox fan. I BLAME CANADA. University of Toronto is pretty close to the stadium, so I'm pretending it was rowdy frat kids with no respect for the game or their elders. Me being an elder, of course.
Despite those jerks, I found Toronto to be a wonderful city, one that I would absolutely live in should I ever leave NY. It's funny, I have a hard time referring to any other place as a "city" because the only city to me is obviously my own. There really is no place like NYC however, Toronto is clean, calm, and has free healthcare. Very tempting.
Here's a link to my pictures if you're interested!
Ballpark revisit - Chicago Cubs, 3rd time
May 2nd - 5th: MDLL and I are going to Chicago to visit Crazy Ass friends and catch a game. Some things:
1. Wrigley is still my favorite ballpark.
2. MDLL and I are sort of kinda back together.
3. By "sort of kinda", I mean we ARE back together, although I'm pretending we aren't.
4. His divorce will be final in June or July, THANK SHIZZA!!
5. Please pray Pittsburgh isn't attacked by aliens or his ex doesn't get a rare disease where her hands fall off so she can't sign the final paperwork before he gets his divorce trophy.
6. I know, I know. I am disgustingly in love with this moron and he is disgustingly in love with me.
7. We are both very disgusting people.
Ballpark #21 - Atlanta Braves
June 15th: Another adventurous quick trip. My dad and I land in Atlanta at 9am, will hit up the supposedly amazing Georgia Aquarium, go to the game at 4pm, then fly back home at 9:30pm. It will be a long day, but HOW FUN, RIGHT!?!?
Ballpark #22 - Detroit Tigers
July 11th - 14th: I found RT tickets to Detroit for only $190. For some reason I decided to fly back to NYC at 6am on Sunday the 14th to save on hotel room costs. My ridiculous plan is to stay at the bars until they close Saturday night, go to the airport and sleep in the terminal. I have no idea why I did this and may purposely miss my flight to go to bed like a normal person. Native Detroiters Rockstar and Row are coming with, so I am excited to get the local perspective!
Ballpark #23 and #24 - San Francisco Giants and Oakland Athletics
September 4th - 10th (maybe): My last impulse flight purchase was a great one: $200 RT to San Francisco. MDLL is NOT an impulsive guy, so I give him credit for saying yes after five minutes of me freaking out asking him if he wants to go. Last weekend we were talking about a trip to California, so the timing was perfect. Unfortunately we weren't entirely on the same page, me wanting to go up north for the games, he wanting to visit Los Angeles and San Diego for the first time.
We are booked for the above dates, however I might book a one way flight to San Diego on the 2nd, then we can drive up the coast and end up in SF around the 5th or 6th to catch the games before we leave. This means we'd eat our flight from NYC > SF on the 4th, so our deal wouldn't be that great. I'm okay with this as long as our total flight costs are under $400 each. I don't think ANYONE should pay more than that to fly within the continental US. We shall see.
SO, that's my 2013 baseball rundown!! All that's left is:
I'm stoked!! After my baseball trips are done, LOOK OUT WORLD! I'm coming for ya!!
Written by THIGHS around 11:39 AM
Thursday, February 21
You ever have a magic show and go to pull the rabbit out of the hat, but it isn't there?
You make the best of the situation by improvising, moving on, and doing the best you can. The audience is pleased.
Then all of a sudden weeks later, the rabbit comes out of the hat and says, "I'm here now! I'm the star of the show, let's do this!!!"
And you end up with this intense urge to Fatal Attraction the FUCKING SHIT out of that asshole rabbit.
No, you've never had this experience? Good for you.
I'm going to boil some water.
Written by THIGHS around 10:07 PM
Thursday, February 14
Part 4 - I was afraid Stevie would be upset with me, but she completely understood. THANK YOU SO MUCH!! I swear I will do everything I can to see the project through.
Luckily I've come up with some options: if Biz runs out of money, maybe they can pay me my hourly rate rather than a monthly salary. If they can't do that I'll create Thighs Inc and bill my own time. If I find a new job I could see if they'd let me work part time the first couple of months. This is unlikely, so I'd probably end up working on the project nights and weekends, which I'd have no problem doing because I am a nerd and it's totally fun. Obviously my preferred situation would be to work at Biz until Stevie's project is over in May, then have something lined up so I can immediately give my notice. Fingers crossed!!
Part 5 - As of today, my resume is completed and forwarded to friends with jobs at my level in non-publishing industries. I ain't going back to the book world. Tron already hooked me up with a recruiter who has a great opportunity for me at a TV station here in NYC. I'm assuming I'll be called in for an interview next week. This weekend I'll be doing some job searching just to see what's out there.
The good news is I'm confident everything will be fine in the end. I have a successful career because I am proactive, listen to my intuition, and jump at opportunities. Last year, my gut told me to be patient and stay put. I'm glad I did, but now it's time to take action and move on.
I haven't drank since Saturday, which is good because last week was a bit of a bender. Some highlights of my drunken antics:
Wednesday - I told my favorite bartender at Crazy Ass I think I'm falling in love with him. When I sobered up I realized this was a mistake. I love him as a friend and I admire the way he lights people up inside. I'd still make out with him if I had the chance though. Just once.
Thursday - I decided to go back and apologize, but he wasn't working. I ended up going to the dive down the block to play some pool. I made out with some iron worker in the bathroom, then I told this nice Indian man all of my MDLL woes. Then of course MDLL walks in later on, but I barely remember seeing him. The next morning I woke up next to him with one of the worst hangovers I've had in years. I felt AWFUL and didn't move from my couch the entire day.
Saturday - I had a full day of birthday parties. Happy Birthday to Jarv, Rob, and Jill!! I had so much fun celebrating. Thankfully I didn't get as bombed as I did earlier in the week, but I was still pretty drunk. This happened:
Another thing of note that happened - At the first bar I met a really nice Irish-ish guy. We hit it off so well that I figured we'd either make out or at the very least trade numbers. Well I ended up doing something I seriously have never ever EVER done before. What is it?? You must be thinking really bad things, right??
I did nothing. Nothing at all. I impatiently waited for him to approach me and he never did. Even when I saw him outside on the way out he barely said anything to me. Now the thing is, I'm not delusional. I am completely aware of when a guy doesn't like me and most the time I try anyway. This was different though. I can't verbalize why, I just really thought this dude was into me. As the girls pointed out in the cab to the next bar, who the hell knows what his deal is. Maybe he's taken, maybe he's gay, maybe he just didn't like me. All I know is I HATE THE FEELING OF DOING NOTHING.
My direct personality has been a topic of conversation lately and I'm excited to learn more about it. Obviously I have no problem voicing my opinions or expressing my feelings. (You can stop laughing.) What I do have a hard time with is understanding how people are or choose to be the opposite.
Maybe it's an East Coast thing or an Irish thing or a crazy vocal mother thing. Maybe it's just a Me thing. I've been very direct my entire life, so I'm assuming it's innate. I see beating around the bush as being passive-aggressive and a waste of time. Now as my long time friends and Thighs readers know, my directness has gotten me into trouble, so I know it's not ideal. I had to be told that most people are uncomfortable being as straight-forward or blunt as I am because it can be considered confrontational and/or selfish. I'm still having a hard time understanding this, but I am trying and I believe I'm becoming a better communicator. That said, when it comes to guys I still have zero patience. If I like someone, I tell them. If I want their number, I ask for it. I have absolutely nothing to lose if they say no, so why not go for it?
Well, I'll tell you why. It hasn't really worked for me. It has for hooking up (snootch!) and it did with meeting MDLL, but he ended up being too passive (hold, please). On Saturday I actually tried something different, went against everything I believe in, and gave the guy a chance to hit on me first. It was a fruitless experiment that is still waking my ragesnake a week later. At this point it's not even about the guy, it's about me...something about me, but I don't know what. I need to explore this more in therapy.
Saturday night ended with me eating breakfast at the diner around 3am. I was alone and happy. On the walk home, MDLL drunk texted me saying, "This sucks. I miss you." He got to my house 15 minutes later. We spent the whole day together, alternating between talking, laughing, talking, and crying. It was probably the most real conversation and experience we ever shared.
It's no surprise he's in denial about our breakup considering our frequent drunken meet-ups of late. I believe it all finally hit him on Sunday. I made it very, very clear we are broken up and will remain broken up until he can prove his divorce is final. To make sure we don't speak or see each other before then, I have decided to cut back on drinking for a while. First, I need to be healthier. Second, MDLL and I will never be able to start a new chapter if we don't fully end this one.
I also explained he needs to do some soul-searching before I consider dating him again. He has been unhappy for a long time and I REFUSE to sit back and watch him throw it all away. He needs to figure out what's holding him back, what drove him to sabotage our relationship, and what he truly wants in life. I cannot be in a relationship with someone who doesn't try to find their truths or move forward. His personal happiness is not my responsibility. OURS is, together.
I'll admit it's confusing to hit on guys one day and talk to MDLL about our future the next. I was honest with him about what I need to do right now which is mainly get healthy, find a new job, and date. I want to meet new guys and test the waters, so I can find out for sure if MDLL is The One.
Ugh. I can't describe how much I fucking love AND hate him right now. It is fascinating. The hate has subsided a bit since Sunday, so now I am open to trying again this summer. If we're both single, of course. Yes, I know some of you want the MDLL story to end. I don't think it can though. I love him. And hate him. They're basically the same thing, right?
Written by THIGHS around 11:58 PM
Wednesday, January 30
A guy who looks exactly like Chris Pratt - sexy, gingerish, bulging, hunk of a man.
available - not married, separated, damaged from divorce, or with girlfriend but "having problems"
caring and kind
funny - cracks me and others up
assertive and driven without being a dick about it
responsible and mature in ways that matter ie job, home, finances, family, relationships, etc.
interested in new life experiences
makes friends easily
enjoys being social
a good communicator
ready for marriage and open to having children
politically open-minded, although leans to the left on social issues
movies, especially action ones
sports, especially football and baseball
comics or at least superheroes in general
drinking but not a drunk...well not a worse drunk than me
trying new activities (so many activities!)
living in NYC
the color blue
Written by THIGHS around 1:03 PM
Monday, January 21
The AQ girls and I went to brunch on Saturday, then kept drinking for ten more hours. It was a blast, per usual!!
Also per usual, I saw MDLL. He texted me around 10pm or so saying he really needs to talk and wanted to see me. It sounded urgent (as urgent as a text can sound), so I told him to meet me at my place.
This was dumb.
I woke up around 8am. He was in bed lying next to me. I was like, "MDLL, what the fuck happened last night?" The only thing I remembered was poorly rolling a joint. Ever wipe and find twisted toilet paper strands in your undies next time you go to the bathroom? That's what my joint looked like.
He came over to tell me he loves me, misses me, and wants to get back together. I told him no.
I'm done. Super done. It breaks my heart that we didn't work out, but I can't do this anymore. We are broken up and we need to start acting like it. Each time we speak or hang out we have to breakup all over again. Our wounds will never heal at this rate. We're picking the scab, then pouring salt on it. It's horrible.
I'm not sure what to do. I don't want to ignore his calls or be mean. I don't want to avoid Crazy Ass, although I do make a point of going there when I know he won't be. If there was a way to speed up the healing process I would do it for the both of us. Relationship Neosporin, if you will.
I love MDLL as I do an old friend. I don't feel IN love with him anymore. I hate the line, but I really don't know any other way to describe how I feel right now.
I want to be with someone who spazzes out over life, love, and me. MDLL is too passive to spaz out over anything. While I appreciate his calming demeanor and want someone who is my rock, I also want someone who is fun-nuts like I am. Okay, maybe I'm nuts-nuts, but you know what I mean.
FUN-NUT! WHERE ARE YOU? I WANT TO MAKE OUT WITH YOUR FACE!
Written by THIGHS around 11:18 AM
Friday, January 18
Two weeks after a depressing start to the new year, I feel AWESOME. Awesomely awesome. It's the pattern for manics, updownupdownupdown. I'm going to cherish this "up" while I have it.
In therapy yesterday I cried my eyes out about MDLL. It was a great release. I've said this before and you have no reason to believe me, but it really does feel like his chapter of my life is over. I'm back to going after my Taco Lobster, the he-me or He-Thighs, and I can't wait to meet him.
I look at my couple friends and I'm SO incredibly fortunate to say they all mesh extremely well. They inspire me to keep looking and give me the hope and confidence I desparately need to not give up. Thanks, you!
Working from home is now my new favorite thing. I LOVE IT. I'm sure it will suck if I have another lonely week, but right now it fucking rules. I put in my time ON my time, meaning I'm not strapped to a straight eight hour work day. Of course this means I can easily work over eight hours, but I'm okay with it. I like my projects and I'm having fun re-learning an app called Qlikview, which funnily enough I was first introduced to way back in my Company days. It's amazing how life comes full circle.
My apartment is clean, my fridge is stocked, my dishes are done, and I'm saving at least $15 a day by not buying lunch or coffee. I talk to myself, dance around, and smile a helluva lot more than I did at Minnow with my waste-of-space bosses.
Consulting is the best fit for someone who hates stupidity, authority, and worst of all, stupid authority. It's also great if you are a social person who likes working alone. Sounds like an oxymoronish thing, but it's not. I love team work and brainstorming, but I also love doing discovery and cranking shit out on my own without a boss like Tennis looking at me like a dog - head cocked to one side, blank yet confused stare, and some slobber.
Tonight I'm heading to Doll's to celebrate Rage and Brawny's birthdays. I've been on a museum kick lately, so I might try and hit MOMA beforehand because it's free Friday evenings. Oooo, remind me to share my thoughts on some of the exhibits I saw this month.
I have brunch plans both Saturday and Sunday, one with the Astoria gals and another with my Company gals. Other than that I am free, which is nice. Monday's a holiday for Biz, but not for any of my clients, so I will be working as needed.
I'm more inclined to post when I'm feeling down or need to get things off my chest, so this year I'm making a point to share my positive up days. Life is good, it's Friday, and I am happy. YAY!
Written by THIGHS around 12:00 PM
A few months ago I made the switch from regular toothpaste to Tom's of Maine natural toothpaste. I read most toothpastes may have sugar or at least a bit of saccharin in them, so I decided to ditch the old stuff and go hippie. I love it. Whenever I use regular toothpaste it tastes gross now.
I started using Tom's Naturally Dry anti-perspirant and deodorant a while back as well. I don't remember having an opinion about it, so I'm assuming it was fine. I ran out of it a few weeks ago and accidentally grabbed their Long Lasting Deodorant, rather than the sweat reducing one.
About 3-4 hours after applying their "deodorant", I smell like I'm storing Blimpies in my armpits. It is awful. I've always been a big sweater since puberty. I was the kid in class who had huge sweatpockets or smelled waaaaaayy too much like Secret because I was afraid I stunk. Oddly enough I only remember getting made fun of about it once, but that one time was enough.
In college my doctor prescribed me Drysol, a hardcore anti-perspirant for excessive sweaters. You apply the roll-on liquid before bed and to ensure it stays put, they recommend you wear a tight t-shirt or SARAN WRAP YOUR PITS. I believe I saran wrapped once. I felt like Kathy Bates in Fried Green Tomatoes. Actually, I'm surprised I never created the whole dress...
I'm not sure how long I used Drysol...maybe 4 or 5 years? I never really had the excessive pit-sweat problem after that, but I'm sure that has more to do with being on thyroid medication now. You know, because everyone over 30 LOOOOVES blaming their thyroid for things. I still sweat a lot when it's hot out or I'm exercising (??), but on a normal day I don't have to worry about raising my arm and looking like a band teacher. Example*:
That said, it is now apparent I need to wear both anti-perspirant and deodorant AND ditch the natural stuff. If I smell like processed meats, I might as well use processed odor protection.
This post was written for anyone who had the unfortunate experience of smelling me as of late. SORRY! I bought two boxes of Secret Clinical Strength yesterday. You're welcome.
*Yes, a normal day is me pretending to get balloon splooge in my eye.
Written by THIGHS around 10:17 AM
Thursday, January 17
My parents, extended family, and friends from throughout my life were standing outside, within the outer wall of a big fort/castle type of building.
I was getting dressed inside the fort in a nearby room, one that kept switching between my grandmother's bedroom and a hotel room. It was my wedding day. My outfit switched between jeans and a long white tunic, to a white flowy top and pants men would wear in the desert. My mom came in, but I don't recall what she said.
I looked at myself in the mirror. My veil was short and white with blue beaded and gemmed tassles dangling down the front like dreadlock bangs. The neckline of my white shirt also had blue beads and gems. Both my veil and shirt clashed with the huge tacky blue earrings I was wearing, so I took them out.
Hanging on a nearby rack was my mom's wedding dress and accessories. I took the beaded veil off and put on my mother's flower crown, which was yellowed from age. I hoped she would like that I was wearing it.
I cried the whole time I was getting ready. All I kept thinking was, "I don't love MDLL. I don't want to marry him." I sobbed and sobbed.
When I got outside my dad gave me a hug. I told him I didn't want to go through with the wedding. He said it was too late now. A friend came over, but I don't know who she was as her face was blurry. I believe it was an acquantaince from high school (Becky Pepe, maybe?), which is odd because we weren't close. She hugged me and said, "It will all be okay. You DO love each other, it's just really hard right now."
As I approached MDLL he wiped his eyes. I couldn't tell if he was crying because he loved me or didn't want to get married either. We had been fighting every day up until the wedding. I was afraid he would leave me at the altar, yet I wished I had the guts to leave him there.
The ceremony took one second. We were married, but we didn't see each other for a couple of days. I finally called him. I said, "Husband?" He answered, "Wife?" I smiled, my heart filling with love for him like the old days.
No need to analyze this dream, huh? Welcome to my subconscious, friends. It's a hoot in there!!
Written by THIGHS around 12:00 PM
Tuesday, January 15
I finally feel like writing. Joy for you!!
The stylist was able to get my hair to strawberry blonde for now. I like it a lot, so I'm happy not being my natural color just yet. When I came home I BAKED. I was inspired to make gluten-free bacon and apple cider biscuits for Bacon's bacon party. They came out awful, but I USED MY OVEN ALL BY MYSELF!! Yayayayayayayayayay!! After that I went to Megkefel's son Henry's birthday party, the bacon party, and a bar where I met some Albania men who bought me a drink and tried to get me to go to some shitty euro-snobby club in the neighborhood. I declined. It was a super fun action packed day!
Sunday was another delightful day of brunch and a movie with Juniper and Jarv. Later that night MDLL came over again. This time it was not great.
I haven't wanted to write or talk about him much because it's all the same shit. Plus, why would anyone believe we're still broken up or he's truly processing his divorce at this point? Well fuck it, I need to talk about it. Here are my problems:
1. I don't understand how I could love him more than anything, then fall out of love with him
2. I don't understand how he says he loves me, yet repeatedly hurt me
3. I am afraid to get back with him
4. I am afraid of being alone and won't be able to find my Taco Lobster
5. I am afraid I'll run out of time before I can have a kid. I considered asking MDLL to knock me up, just so I can have one before I'm 40. This is stupid.
6. I love so many things about him, but his lack of effort, drive, and interest in lifing have become dealbreakers. I told him Sunday night I need to be with someone who takes life by the balls, throws them against the wall or gargles them in their mouth...whatever that means. My point is I need to be with someone who shares my passion for living it up, trying it out, and just doing.
7. I'm worried asking for someone who fits the above won't have the good MDLL traits, that I'm asking too much. Is there a loving, sensitive, kind, and generous man out there who is also driven, interested, experienced, and makes an effort to keep me and us happy?
8. It's possible I only lusted MDLL and not loved him
9. We know what most of my family, friends and our mutual friends think - he's a fuck up and I can do better. How can I be with MDLL if no one really likes him??
10. I feel guilty putting my needs first when he needs a friend
January 14th - 15th
I'm having a good week despite a somewhat upsetting Sunday night. Monday I had a meeting in the city, then went to Crazy Ass to work the rest of the day. It was nice to be around people instead of cooped up in my apartment. Please note, by no means am I complaining about working from home! I am SO incredibly happy to not have to deal with slobbering nosy bosses and shitty office mates. It is a bit of an adjustment having nowhere to go in the morning, though. I have to make a point to leave the apartment, which I did not do today.
So there you have it. I've managed to live a lot of life the first two weeks of 2013. Despite the first few depressing days and my MDLL confusion, right now I couldn't be happier. Living and lifing is much better than the alternative!!
Written by THIGHS around 11:40 PM
Saturday, December 29
I had a very lovely Christmas with my family this past weekend. My mom only made me cry once, but that was today so at least the holiday was pleasant.
There were two uncomfortable things that happened, though. One, I noticed how often we McGees interrupt and talk over one another. It's horribly rude and sadly, I know I do it, too. Luckily, most of my friends are the same way. At least I think they are...oh shit, is that the only way you can get a word in edgewise with me? SORRY.
Two, we were sitting at the kitchen table and my parents told Rip and I about their plans for the future. Yada, yada, yada, then my mom mentioned "if one of us dies..." and I brainfarted.
If one of them dies. Jesus. Sometimes when I was really mad at them I'd wish they were dead. That was angsty, mean, asshole shit and I regret it, especially now that they are getting older. Granted they are still relatively younger than some of my friends' parents, my dad being 61, Mom 58, but still.
My mom's dad died at 62 from a heart attack. He also had Alzheimer's, but I'm not sure if that has anything to do with dying young. My other grandparents died over 75.
Excluding Grandpa Crowley, if history is any indicator my parents have about 15-20 years left. I don't like this one bit.
My parents just dropped me off after we visited my aunt and uncle in Long Island. Once I got upstairs I had this insane urge to write about their death and death in general. Hopefully this post isn't a jinx.
I'm a believer in the afterlife, spirits, The Larger, and Heaven in the sense that when you die you are somewhere good and peaceful. I don't really believe in Hell, although I have thought maybe Earth is hell and you just keep coming back until you are a good person. My own personal hell would be an eternity long panic attack I can't get out of. I assume most mentals would agree. My point is I'm not worried about what happens to them after they die. I can't do anything about it, nor is there any proof as to what actually occurs, so I find comfort in believing the deceased is always with me. Not when I'm naked, of course.
What's really bothering me is imagining my life without them. I never thought about it before, probably because I've only felt love and a connection to them in recent years. Once my mom started talking about their death, my heart sank and my face got sad. Wait, what? What do you mean you're going to die? Worse is, ONE of you might die and then the other has to live life alone? My parents are retarded for each other, if they die they both have to go at the same time. They have to, right??
Okay say they do both die. SHIT. I am really, really sad thinking about this. Thinking how I'll never hear my dad's booming voice, laugh, or awesome "hail a cab NYC whistle" that I can't do. I won't be able to call my mom and tell her about my day or hear her insane one-liners and weird noises, two quirks I'm extremely happy were passed down to me. The both of them are silly bozos and I love it. I love them.
I guess this is what I really wanted to write about. Not death, but life. My parents' lives are full of love, passion, crazy, pain, laughter, more crazy, fun, everything. It's not always easy to be around my mom, but I can't imagine not being ABLE to be around her or my dad. Blerg.
I love my parents. I love my brother. I love my family. I love my friends.
Writing this post helped me uncover a self-truth....What I fear most about death is living with a broken heart.
Written by THIGHS around 6:07 PM
Friday, December 21
An apocalypse (Ancient Greek: ἀποκάλυψις apocálypsis, from ἀπό and καλύπτω meaning 'un-covering'), translated literally from Greek, is a disclosure of knowledge, hidden from humanity in an era dominated by falsehood and misconception, i.e., a lifting of the veil or revelation, although this sense did not enter English until the 14th century. In religious contexts it is usually a disclosure of something hidden In the Revelation of John (Greek Ἀποκάλυψις Ἰωάννου, Apocalypsis Ioannou), the last book of the New Testament, the revelation which John receives is that of the ultimate victory of good over evil and the end of the present age, and that is the primary meaning of the term.
I never thought the world was going to end. It still could today, but I prefer not to think it will. Instead I like the definition of apocalypse from above. I also heard it defined as an "uncovering of truths". Me likey.
Interestingly enough, I did have an experience last night that could have marked hell freezing over, pigs flying, or life as we know it ending. MDLL surprised the shit out of me.
DISCLAIMER - We are not back together. If we get back together one day it will NOT be until well after his divorce is final.
We are both struggling with this breakup, especially on Sundays. One of us contacts the other almost every week after the 4pm football games. We don't say much, although this week we decided to meet Wednesday night for a pre-Christmas drink.
Beforehand I went out with work friends to celebrate my last day (today!) at the midtown client office. Naturally I got hammered. By the time I got to Crazy Ass I was starving and exhausted, so I stayed long enough to inhale a plate of nachos and down three waters. I actually showed some self-control!! We hugged, said Merry Christmas, and I went home.
About an hour later he texted me saying he's really glad I stopped by. I wrote something along the lines of me too, this is hard, and I miss my best friend. I also wrote that it hurts he's not fighting to get me back, but I know it's not his style so I'm trying not to take it personally. He never responded.
Yesterday was a crazy, but great day. I went from the midtown client to therapy to Stevie's firm for an awesome meeting, then went home and kept working for a couple of hours. MDLL's flight to Pittsburgh was in the afternoon, so I figured he had landed when I was done working at 7pm. I imagined him getting off his flight, hugging his dad, then bursting out into tears because he loves me and fucked everything up for no reason. Hey, it's my fantasy!!
I thought this as I was leaving my apartment to buy Rippie a Christmas gift. When I got downstairs, MDLL was standing there, suitcase in hand. SHOCKED. Absolutely shocked. He's NEVER done anything like this before, never just showed up at my door, never really surprised me romantically with random gifts or appearances. I've imagined coming home from work and him waiting for me on my stairs, but I knew that was never going to happen.
But it did. Hell is Hoth right now.
It turns out his flight was delayed for a few hours, then he and a bunch of other people missed it because there was no announcement when it finally boarded. He was livid. I don't blame him.
On the bus ride home from LGA, he thought of me. His gut said to come to my apartment immediately. This is crazy because MDLL is not impulsive. He overthinks things until he's paralyzed, unable to take action. (See divorce.)
I kept thinking it was a dream. I thought the Mayans were giving me one last night with him before we were wiped out of existence. I thought it was one big acid flashback and I imagined the whole thing. Apparently it was real.
I'm still in shock. I don't know what to think or feel, so I'm not going to do either for a few days. My disclaimer holds true - we are NOT getting back together nor our we "faking" a break up but still going to hang out all the time. We both acknowledge our struggles and sadness are more intense due to the holidays and football (dorks), so we're cutting each other some slack right now. Instead of beating myself up or over-analyzing what happened, I'm going to remember last night for what it was at face value:
My ex-boyfriend showed a little fight and romantic surprise. Obviously it was too little too late, but I'm going to cherish the moment because he finally went out of his way for me to show he cared. That's all I ever wanted from him.
Thanks for the Christmas gift, MDLL.
Written by THIGHS around 10:30 AM
Monday, December 17
My previous post was written before the horrific shooting in Connecticut.
In Therapy Thursday the day before, I discovered my intense longing to meet my daughter Lauren Marie was more about me than her. I imagined Lauren being everything I wasn't free to be as a child due to my emotional issues, low self-esteem, boob saga, weight problems, and abusive experiences, both verbally from my mom and physically with my cousin.
I pictured Lauren to be more than a free-spirit. She'd be a light, a rainbow, bringing joy to everyone she met. She'd be creative, wildly artistic, and dress herself in mismatched clothes and tutus. If she had emotional issues like me, I'd do my best to understand her and get her the help she needed. I'd hug her every night and tell her I love her over and over again, so she never felt alone or unwanted. In other words, I'd make damn sure she didn't have any of the same struggles I had growing up.
I realized this person I wanted to create wasn't my daughter. It was me. It was my inner child. I was subconsciously planning to live vicariously through Lauren rather than be the person I want to be or let her be the person she wants to be. For a moment I understood pageant moms.
Once I figured this out, my biological clock stopped ticking so loudly. I'd still like to be a mom one day, but the intense and suffocating urgency I felt the week before is gone.
Friday morning I was ecstatic. I was all ready to write about this with the awesomely gross title of "I'm pregnant with myself!". Then the whole world went to shit.
My heart breaks for the families, teachers, fellow students, and friends of the victims. I am disgusted, terrified and absolutely saddened by this horrible tragedy. I hope they find solace, peace, and closure one day. I am putting all the faith and love I have out into the universe to hopefully ease some of their grief. I am so sorry for their loss.
Having spent the last couple of weeks thinking about motherhood, I now find my thoughts about it scattered and confused. I cannot imagine being a parent at all right now. I don't think I can handle the devastating pain of losing a child, the guilt and fear of giving birth to a monster, or worse, nurturing him to be one.
There are two positive things hopefully coming out of this horrific event, one of them being a spotlight on mental healthcare. Obviously I love therapy and am familiar with psychology, but many people aren't. The masses need to understand there are many types of mental illness and need to be able to identify which ones are a danger to society.
The usual description of a murderer is quiet, withdrawn, and anti-social. Well, that could also describe nerds and gamers. The important thing to take note of is a person's disposition - Are they violent? Do they hurt animals? Do they "turn" like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde? Society can blame the media all the want, but it seems to me the real problem is when warning signs aren't addressed. Again this is due to not knowing what the signs are in the first place. Hint - If you're afraid of someone, there's a reason.
The other positive? Gun control. Sorry NRA lovers, but this shit is fucking ridiculous. I've shot guns in a controlled environment. It was fun until I realized there is no reason to shoot a gun OTHER THAN TO KILL. A while ago, probably after Aurora, I had a Facebook conversation with a high school friend. He explained he owns guns because he lives in an area of South Carolina where help wouldn't reach him in time, should he need it. I guess I can understand this to a point, but why live in such a secluded area then? I live in NYC and I feel safer here than I do most other cities. Maybe I'm living in a bubble, but I sure as hell don't feel the need to carry a gun to feel secure.
I'm starting to think Americans don't actually want to feel safe. Or maybe its we don't know HOW to feel safe. We've grown accustomed to living in fear because that's what we're told to do. The bible says to live in fear of God. The government says to live in fear of terrorists. Bigots say to live in fear of The Other - blacks, muslims, hispanics, gays, etc. The media says to live in fear of toilets, plastic, and vitamins. We are a country of pussies when you think about it. We fear everything we don't understand, which ironically IS everything.
I hope the victims of the four (!??!) mass murders we've had this year did not die in vain. We need to make some changes in this country if we are going to survive. Gun control and affordable mental healthcare are on the top of my list. I hope they are on Obama's too.
Peace, Love, Unity, Respect. PLUR.
Written by THIGHS around 5:48 PM
Written Monday, 12/10/12:
For the past few days I've been crushed with sadness by the idea I may run out of time before I get to have a kid. This stupid fucking article I stupidly fucking read today has kicked me while I was already down.
I know that even if MDLL and I stayed together there was no guarantee we would/could have kids any time soon. It just seems highly unlikely I'm going to meet someone in the timeframe necessary to date, fall in love, marry, and then put a baby in my belly before I'm 40.
Ironically, I don't actually WANT to be pregnant. The idea of having something grow inside me other than a big fat deuce freaks me out, as does the toll it takes on the body and mind. This is why I always figured I'd adopt, because not only am I helping care for a child in need, I also get to keep my current manageable level of crazy and my tiny size 14 ass. I want the baby without the pre-birth work, I guess.
The article is about the negative impact waiting to procreate has on the child's health and society as a whole. The latter never occurred to me, so I'm still a bit stunned by what I read. An obvious one is the chance that an older parent will die when the kid is still young. This seems pretty obvious, however, add in the odds the kid may have developmental issues and now doesn't have parents to help them through life makes this pretty scary too...
You know what, don't read the article. It's fucking horrible, especially if you've recently broken up with your first adult love and are turning 35 in less than three months.
Most people jump to the conclusion that if a woman waits to have children it's because she is focused on her career and determined to "have it all". Maybe this is true for some, but for me, it had nothing to do with my professional goals. It has to do with two important things:
1. I was not emotionally and mentally capable of being a mother in my 20s
2. I was SINGLE. Er, AM single.
I'm sorry, but I don't think there's anything feminazi about wanting to wait until I find love AND feel like I'd be a good mother. Why aren't these things acknowledged and discussed?
No, instead I'm Diane Keaton before Elizabeth was dumped in her lap in Baby Boom.
I am quite happy to be where I am in life. Sure, there are things I regret, but becoming a single unfit mother is definitely not one of them.
Written by THIGHS around 4:24 PM
Friday, December 7
Whoever created panic attacks is a dickcunt. They usually feel like heart attacks, which just makes me panic more!!
All day my heart has been jumping out of my chest. I thought it was the iced coffee, then I thought it was because I hadn't really eaten (I had a Kind bar at 10am then nothing until 3pm), then I thought I was dying, and now I realize I'm just mental.
Today was another super slow one at the midtown client's office, so per usual I was on Facebook. I allowed myself to hulk out over some stupid Ben Stein religious/political/moronic rant, to only find out it was bullshit. That was two hours ago and I still can't seem to get my Irish down!!
Truthfully I know why I'm so angry. It's misplaced frustration with my family and MDLL. It's been another hard week of feeling down, so to take a break from the sad, I turned into mad. This is subconscious of course, but at least I am aware of it when it happens.
I had a really great therapy session last night. I cried a lot of the pain out, then focused on my disappointment for reverting back to my self-medicated ways of eating, drinking, and charging to excess. I've mentioned my 20 pound weight gain and my fish-drinking, but I haven't come clean about the extra $5K I charged this year. I got my $42K debt down to $17K and now it's back up to $22K. I'm perturbed with myself.
I know I was doing these things because they are my lifelong coping mechanisms, but it bothered me how fast all three came back. It bothered me until therapy when Cee helped me say this:
"I ran back to the things I'm familiar with because I was in unfamiliar territory."
Unfamiliar territory. I love this phrase and it totally sums up where I've been for the past year, maybe more. This is why I cherish therapy - while I can know the reason I do or feel things it takes a special way of hearing myself say it to hit home.
Being in love, being loved, commiting to MDLL, wanting a future with him, balancing the stress the relationship caused with my family and friends. It was all unfamiliar territory. I ran back to what was familiar because I needed the balance to survive it. Obviously I reverted back to my bad habits, but there were some positive ones too. I'm reading more comics, watching more movies, writing in my journal, and enjoying art again. It's nice to have those things back!
Falling off the wagon is nothing new. People do it all of the time. The good news is I am ready to get back on and get my shit in order again!!!
Heart aerobics over!!
Written by THIGHS around 4:56 PM