Wednesday, August 27

Home A'lonely

MD visited his family in Pittsburgh for a few days. He left Wednesday night and returned Monday night. It was the first time I was in our apartment by myself.

Guess what?

I didn't like being without him AT ALL. I missed him so much that I cried a little everyday. Is that romantic or pathetic?

Don't get me wrong, I wasn't in the fetal position hiding under the bed or anything. I had lunch with Breen and Bacon, walked around the neighborhood a lot, finished reading Harry Potter, went out to lunch on my lonesome. All of the things I'd normally do had I still been single in Delilah. The difference is I wouldn't have felt so damn lonely.

I rarely ever feel lonely. I couldn't remember the last time I did, so I actually searched Thighs by "lonely" to find out. I figured I would have blogged about it.

I did. The last time I felt lonely was May 29, 2009. How lucky am I??? That was when Bacon stayed with me in my apartment for a month. So there ya have it! It's cohabitation's fault! Moral of the story - live alone forever!!

Just kidding. I guess it's obvious that with every new chapter in life there will be new feelings and perspectives. I just didn't realize how many.

This weekend I was scared of becoming codependent, that I was going to be one of those women who can't do shit without their man. I've always been so independent and carefree, doing whatever the fuck I want when I want. But what happens if I was independent only because I was forced to be because I was single?
That doesn't seem right, though. Not all single women are independent. I don't know many who would travel to new cities by themselves. And I do plenty of things without MD, like go to museums, movies, shows, and ballgames. I just prefer he was with me, so we can share the experience together.

That's it!! I'm not codependent! I'm an independent woman who is in love and feels lonely when my boyfriend isn't around. That's completely acceptable normal person behavior! PHEW!

Friendshit

I always seem to have one friend who is hurting my feelings at any given moment. It usually starts with seeing pictures on social media from a dinner/bar night/house party/trip I wasn't invited to.

I immediately feel hurt, then think well why WASN'T I invited? I'm in that crew of friends. If I invited one of the crew somewhere, I have and would always extend the invite to the entire crew.

Then I think, okay, maybe it was just an oversight this time.

Then it keeps happening.

Usually around the third time I feel completely left out and slighted. Then I start to think well, maybe I did something wrong. Maybe I didn't do enough to keep the friendship going.

So I reach out. If I don't hear back or get a terse response, I know it's done for whatever reason. If I get a sure, let's hang out, I'm golden.

We hang out and have a nice time. A few days later social media shows me I wasn't invited to the next shindig.

WTF? 

I'm 36 years old and I still get hurt by "friends". Isn't that sad? I truly don't know how to stop letting stuff like this affect me.

I want answers to everything in life. I need to know why why why at all times. My gut reaction to disappointment is to confront the situation to find a resolution. This time around I'm wondering if I really need to do that.

If I have an issue with a friend who I've known and been close to for a long time, I'd confront her in a heartbeat. We have way too much history to throw it away and in that case, I'd HAVE TO know what the hell was up.

But if the friend is fair-weathered, why do I care so much? Say I did confront them. What would I learn?

If I did something wrong and didn't know it, I'd immediately apologize. Do I want to be friends with someone who isn't woman enough to address the situation from the start, though?

If I didn't do something wrong and I just wasn't thought of, then what? Do I want to be added to the next guest list just because I whined about it?  Who wants to be invited to something out of pity? Do I want to be invited just so I can say no?

Blah.

What I should really be exploring is, why give so much time and energy to someone who doesn't deserve it?

Whenever I'm hurt by someone I try to remember that I have many, many wonderful friends in my life and that I don't need to focus my energy on one bad egg.

I also try to be a good friend, too. I like to think I am one. You can tell me anything and I won't judge you. Anyone who's read this blog from the start knows I am the last person to pass judgment! I also make a point of keeping in touch and hanging out when possible. I do bail on plans sometimes, but that's only when I don't feel well. Between my mental and stomach problems, I sadly get sick more often than I'd like at times.

Why is it so much easier to focus on negative people? Is it easier for everyone or just me? 

Wednesday, August 13

I Want to Live by Erika Moen

Not even an hour after I wrote my last post, I find I Want to Live in my newsfeed.

The struggle is real. And I am not alone.


Robin Williams and Me

Robin Williams passed away this week from an apparent suicide. It's hard to comprehend.  Like most celebrity deaths this is a public reminder that we are mortal, that dying is a part of living.

For those of us with mental illness, it's a reminder that our struggle is very real and sadly, can lead to fatal consequences.

I've been wanting to write all over Facebook about what it's like to have depression, to be diagnosed as bipolar, to me me me his death. I want to shout and scream and say HEY, this isn't one random case, many people suffer, and two weeks from now when you're posting dancing cat videos, I will still be struggling to stay afloat.  I didn't do it, though. I'm not sure why. I guess it makes me feel more self-absorbed to declare things like this on social media rather than my personal blog. Maybe I'm a little embarrassed, too.  I don't think I've ever "came out" before other than here.

When I was diagnosed as bipolar in January it was, naturally, bittersweet. On the one hand I finally understood why I have such intense emotions and manic behavior. On the other, I felt like my whole life was a lie. Who am I really? Who would I be without my ups and downs? Was I born this way or was it learned behavior to survive my childhood? If I was emotionally stable, would I have left so many jobs? Had sex for sport? Speak my mind? What does emotional stability feel like? Will I know it when I have it?  Will I ever be free to be me, whoever "me" is?

It seems the real confusion over Robin Williams' death is understanding how a hilarious man who brought so much joy to people can suffer to the point of no return. The quick answer is to say he was wearing a mask to hide his pain, the old sad clown idea. I don't think this is true, though. At least it's not for me. When I am up I truly feel positive, joyful, connected, and loved. When I am down I truly feel hopeless, despair, depressed, and angry. There are no masks. I've always been a mood ring and could never hide shit about how I feel. And I bet Robin was the same way. Or maybe I just want him to be like me.

This year has been really hard. I started weaning off Zoloft in August, then went to Lamictal in January. I was all over the dosage spectrum starting from 25mg going up to 300mg back down to 50mg. I was down all of the time. My depression, anxiety, anger, and irritability were awful. I hated the world and I hated myself. If I did laugh and smile, it was involuntary. I never really felt like I was doing either, if that makes sense. I didn't want to do anything, except curl up and hide. Basically I didn't want to exist. Thankfully I never reached the point of being suicidal. I wanted to vanish, but not die.

Risperdal was thrown into the mix at some point. I started taking one as needed to help me through my panic attacks. Now I'm on 75mg of Lamictal once a day and .25mg of Risperdal twice a day. I'm happy (YES HAPPY!) to report I feel much better now. I've been on this regimen for three weeks and feel more up than I have all year. I still have some issues, but at least I'm heading in the right direction. It has not been easy trying to find the best dosage. Maybe I'm not even on the best, but I'm definitely on better ones. I hear this is a very minimal amount of medication, so I guess I'm lucky? I don't know...

Lucky to me is MD, who can feel happy, angry, sad, anything without questioning if he's too happy, too angry, too sad, too anything. Lucky is someone who doesn't doubt what they feel and think is real or valid. Lucky is someone who can simply be.

But do I really think having a mental illness is unlucky? Since I'm feeling good, no it's not unlucky. It's a shame to have to go through this, but it is what it is. If I asked myself this a month ago, I'd probably say fuck you you fucking fucktard.

I don't know how I want this post to end. Maybe it's because I don't know how my life with mental illness will end. I hope for the sake of my family and friends, it does not end in suicide. I know this must be a horrible thing to read, but unfortunately it could be the path I take. It could be the path for anyone, really.

Hopefully Robin Williams' death will reduce the likelihood of this happening. Maybe now there will be more awareness and acceptance of those suffering, as well as financial investments into clinical trials and making mental healthcare more affordable. If I didn't have help, I don't know where I would be.

If you or someone you know needs help, please call the Suicide Prevention Hotline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255). You’ll be connected to a skilled, trained counselor at a crisis center in your area, anytime 24/7.

Wednesday, July 30

Work from "Home"

When Harpoon moved downtown, my department decided to give us a work from home day for morale. Such an awesome gesture. I picked Wednesdays to break up the week. WHIP'EM OUT WEDNESDAYS! "EM" are my thighs not my breasts, though. I never wear pants when I'm home. This is probably why I never have guests either.


Home. Living with MD has been wonderful. Sincerely. I love waking up with him, snuggling as we watch TV, cooking (!!), going to bed together. My favorite is hearing the door unlock and knowing he's home. It is everything I imagined it would be. Of course there are things I didn't imagine, but I'll get to that.

Yesterday was our six month moveversary. It feels like I moved ages ago. While I love living with MDLL, I really, really miss my old apartment.

Delilah Foray was the first place I ever truly felt at home. I never felt at ease in Jackson. I really liked my college apartment, but it was a shithole, I had 3-6 roommates at various times, and I was rarely sober. My grandmother's apartment in Bay Ridge was comforting because I felt her spirit with me, but I only stayed there a few days a week to get away from my parents and shorten my commute from NJ. It wasn't until I moved to Astoria that my life changed.

"Home" became somewhere I was safe. Somewhere I was free to be my true self. Somewhere without pain, confrontation, and stress. Somewhere that gave me strength. I never knew a happy and healthy home could do this because I never had one before. 

I have a habit of naming inanimate objects. It's kind of my thing. It was different when I named my apartment, though. It somehow had more power and impact. Delilah Foray was more than my home. She became my best friend and now she's gone.

We decided I should move into MD's place for financial reasons. Delilah was cheaper, but his apartment was only a couple hundred more a month for two bedrooms rather than one. It is a nice place and as everyone who's visited has said (I do actually have guests), it's an upgrade. Dee was an old apartment with lots of decorative molding and scratched up wooden floors. MD's place was renovated a few years ago and has a cleaner updated look. I guess.

I realize now we should have gotten a new place. If you're money-focused, then moving into a cheaper apartment is probably all that matters. If you're like me, and looking for a safe-haven, then don't take the easy and cheap route. Find a place that speaks to you. MD's apartment doesn't. Or maybe I'm just not listening.

Maybe it would have helped if I had all of my stuff here. Delilah's furniture was hand me down, so I tossed it all except for my bed, desk, and bookcase. They are set up in the second bedroom along with most of my other belongings. I guess I feel a bit like my stuff is banished to the room we never use. Actually I don't know why I never use it. Huh. I need to make a point to hang out in there more often.

I also don't really like the layout. The stove shares the wall with the bedroom. How is that possible?? I've never heard of such a thing. I asked MD if we can switch the bedroom and living room, but the living room faces the street so it's super loud. Oh that's another thing. Our building is an "H" design, and we are in the "-" part so we don't have a view or get a lot of light. Delilah was super bright with a great view and the stove on the opposite end of the apartment!!! She was the best!! WAH!

Our apartment number is 3EB, so naturally I named the place Threebio like C-3PO's Threepio nickname. Naturally. The name isn't really sticking though. I find myself saying "Bye Dee" still, then quickly saying "Bye Threeb!" as to not hurt its feelings.

I just really want my best friend back. Yeah, yeah, I live with my real best friend now and it's awesome blah, blah, blah. It's not the same though. Delilah and I were together for ten years. TEN YEARS. It will take time to get over her. Or maybe I never will. She'll always be my first true home.

MD to MDLL to MD

Obviously I've had quite the tumultuous relationship with M. It took us a long time to get our shit together, but in the end it was all worth it. I learned two very important things:


1. Never give up

2. Never surrender

Okay, I might have learned that from Galaxy Quest, but it applies to our relationship as well. I did not give up on M. I did not surrender to "logic" or the idea it was over, at least not until last January when I really was done. Then HE didn't give up. HE came after ME. That's when I knew we both would keep fighting and last a lifetime. 

So, in the beginning he was MD. 


Now I'm going back to MD. He has become the man I always knew him to be.

Tuesday, July 22

Stink Stank Stunk

I hadn't shaved my armpits in about a week. A strange oversight since I usually shave them everyday or, at least every day I shower.  Weekends are iffy.


Today I finally remembered to shave. GET THIS. My armpits stink! Noticeably so! I did not smell bad with hair. Someone look up if this is a thing. I'm too lazy to Google.

And I forgot to put on deodorant.


Friday, July 18

Buzzkill

It's Friday night and I'm home.  I didn't have any plans this week except for two therapy appointments. That's kind of my life now. Or is it? I don't know. I have this habit of forgetting what my life was like a week ago, a month ago, whenever.  The laps around the fishbowl are getting shorter.


I feel like the most boring person in the world. Why you ask?

Well, I kind of gave up drinking.

LAME.

Obviously I've always been a big drinker. HUGE. Thighs "Binge" McGee.  This year has been different, though.  I don't really want to drink.

I started my bipolar medication, Lamictal, back in January. I drank like usual through March, except for a week in New Orleans which was 10 times more than usual.  By April something changed. The urge to get drunk left. I don't want to get fucked up. I don't even really want to go to bars. It's the weirdest thing.

The first time I drank I got bombed off of Strawberry Hill Boone's. I was 12. So that's about 25 years of on again/off again drinking. I loved getting drunk. I loved beer. I loved being a barfly. Tonight I went to Crazy Ass to give a friend a birthday gift.  I drank two sips of a vodka soda and half a Captain and Coke. All I wanted to do was come home.  WHAT. THE. FUCK.

The only thing that's changed this year is my medication. I always knew getting fucked up was a way for me to self-medicate, but maybe the Lamictal changed all that.

Let me clarify though. I still do occasionally drink, but it's nowhere near the amount I used to down.  I barely drank April and May. Not even once a week. This past Saturday at my parents' party I had maybe 7 or 8 vodka drinks over 12 hours. That's nothing. MDLL's birthday two weeks ago I probably had 10 drinks over three days. So it's not that I'm done drinking. I'm done WANTING to drink.  

I was worried MDLL would think I was boring. For a couple of days I thought maybe we had nothing in common.  Our whole relationship was built around drinking until 5am. Now I can barely stay at a bar for an hour if I even bother going at all. When I told him my concerns he lovingly laughed and said, "You could never be boring." I'm smiling.

This would all be easier if I had other plans, but lately I've been a homebody, too. A sober homebody. I'll probably go into this in another post, but one bad thing the Lamictal has done was increase my depression.  Or, as Cee said, it could be I'm more depressed because I stopped drinking. Who knows? I don't really feel like doing much of anything, so I'm just bumming out. UGH UGH UGH. I don't want to be a bummer!!

Is this post stupid? I feel like it's stupid. Regardless, I'm so glad I'm writing again.



Tuesday, July 15

A year later...

I am so excited to write again. It's been too long. I've missed Thighs, I've missed sharing, and I've missed me.


This year has been nutty, per usual. Shall I do the rundown for old times' sake?

1. I MOVED IN WITH MDLL. WHAAA?? Yep, that's right. I am in a committed serious relationship and Delilah Foray is no longer my home. 

2. I was officially diagnosed as bipolar. : ) :

3. I finished my baseball tour!!! All 30 ballparks!! 

4. I started a new job at Harpoon last May. It's okay. I love my coworkers and I make amazing money, but I am having some of my typical workplace issues. 

5. I weigh 210 pounds.

6. I just laughed out loud after writing number five. Not at the number, but at my 36 year fixation with my weight in general. 

7. I'm 36.

8. I've read five whole books in the past two months - The Road, The Fault in Our Stars, Harry Potter 1, 2, and 3. I'm also 100 pages in HP 4 and 600 pages in ASOIAF: Clash of Kings. All this because Harpoon moved from midtown to downtown, so my commute takes twice as long. I'm not thrilled, but I am happy to read again.

9. I graduated from Wheel of Fortune to Jeopardy.

10. My newest hobby is doing crosswords. I used to only do the Sunday Times, but I recently bought the online daily subscription. It's only $40 for the year! The Sunday Times was $5 a week alone!

11. My debt is back up again due to all of my baseball trips. I'll be able to pay it off in a year and a half, if I try.

12. I spent Christmas in Pittsburgh with MDLL's family. It was a wonderful trip, but strange to not be with my own family. I never knew how much I liked tradition.

13. My family is good! There was a rough patch last summer over me getting back with MDLL before his divorce was final, but we are all one big happy clan now. I love that they love him.

14. MDLL'S DIVORCE IS FINAL, FINAL-FINAL, I AM NOT LYING THIS TIME FINAL. 

15. I'm surprised at the order of this list.

16. I am only seeing my therapist Cee once a month. We decided it was best to do weekly sessions with my psychiatrist Rah, so he can track my progress and issues on my new medications. The issues are a'plenty.

17. My coldergies I really bad today. So bad all I wanted is soup even though it's 85 degrees with 100% humidity. (I don't know if it's actually 100% humidity, but it feels like it.)

18. I'm all for pooping at work because we are human and that's what toilets are for. Holy hell though, someone's poop pooped because even with my cold I could smell the awfulness. Courtesy flush, people!!

19. Another new hobby is hating humanity, which is partly why I now have a team of psychiatrists.

20. Now that I'm back in publishing, I know why I left. 

I'm not sure what else I can say...is it sad I summed up a year plus in only 20 statements? Items? Thingies? Whatever.

It's nice to be back. I hope I stay for a while.

21. I learned I've been using "awhile" wrong. Example:

Friend: "I'll come to the show, but I can't pay you until next week."

Me: "No prob. I'll get the tickets awhile and you can pay me whenever!"

By "awhile" I mean "now" or "in the meantime". Like "I'll get the tickets now even though you can't pay me right away."  It makes perfect sense to me, but it's wrong. My mom says it wrong, too. I don't know how many times I've made this mistake in my blog. Feel free to count if you're bored!

Thursday, April 11

30 MLB Parks in 23 Days

Check this article out. A guy broke a Guinness World Record by hitting all of the ballparks in less than a month. It's a pretty cool idea, although his accounts of the trip don't seem very fun.  If you're cheering for outs rather than enjoying the game, then what's the point?

I Googled "what do you get for a guinness world record". Answer: nothing except bragging rights.

Sheesh.

On second thought, I sort of get it.  I do like telling sports fans about my baseball trips because it makes for great conversation.  I don't think it's ever gotten me laid or anything, but it does create a bond of sorts. I like seeing the light bulb go off as others realize they could do the same thing on their travels. I've had quite a few people say I inspired them to go, especially to Wrigley. I can't say it enough (or I can but won't stop) - ALL BASEBALL FANS MUST GO TO WRIGLEY.

Huh. I never considered rating them all. Here's my list, best to worst. This is based on my gut feeling and hazy memory.

Wrigley Field
Citi Field
PNC Park
Angel Stadium of Anaheim
Camden Yards
Nationals Park
Dodger Stadium
Fenway Park
Safeco Field
Busch Stadium
Jacobs Field (now Progressive Field)
Citizens Bank Park
PETCO Park
Kauffman Stadium
Rogers Centre
Miller Park
Marlins Park
new Yankees Stadium
U.S. Cellular Field
Tropicana Field


Baseball 2013

Wow. This might be the longest I've gone without blogging since 2008. Crazy. There's so much to catch up on, some of it fun good, some of it stressful good.  Let's start with the fun good...BASEBALL!

I've decided to spend my tax return on ballpark trips this year.  Flights are so friggin' cheap right now it seems stupid not to pounce on them!

Ballpark #20 - Toronto Blue Jays

Last Friday, April 5th I went to Toronto. I was there approximately 28 hours. I love fast turnaround trips. It feels like such an adventure!!  I packed in a ton of sightseeing by walking everywhere. Seriously, EVERYWHERE.  I tracked my trek on gmaps-pedometer when I got back and I calculated 7.5 miles before I got bored of clicking.  My estimate is at least 9 miles of walking.  So great. There are a ton of beautiful churches, buildings, and artwork all around town, especially in the Kensington Market area which is a lot like Haight Ashbury in San Francisco.  As for tourist attractions, I went to the Hockey Hall of Fame, up the 1800 ft CN Tower, and of course, Rogers Centre for a Blue Jays game.

My Biz coworker/friend Dawn lives in Toronto, but is a Boston Red Sox fan.  The two teams played each other that night, so she treated me to great seats about 20 rows behind the Sox dugout.  I'm not a huge fan of domes, however this one was nice, much nicer than the Rays' field. I don't think there was anything spectacular about the park, but I think that's why I liked it so much. It was a no nonsense baseball experience.

I was surprised to find Blue Jays fans being as dickish as New York ones.  There was a lot of booing, paper airplanes thrown on the field, and even a fight with beer cans being thrown at a Red Sox fan. I BLAME CANADA. University of Toronto is pretty close to the stadium, so I'm pretending it was rowdy frat kids with no respect for the game or their elders. Me being an elder, of course.

Despite those jerks, I found Toronto to be a wonderful city, one that I would absolutely live in should I ever leave NY.  It's funny, I have a hard time referring to any other place as a "city" because the only city to me is obviously my own. There really is no place like NYC however, Toronto is clean, calm, and has free healthcare. Very tempting.

Here's a link to my pictures if you're interested!

Ballpark revisit - Chicago Cubs, 3rd time

May 2nd - 5th:  MDLL and I are going to Chicago to visit Crazy Ass friends and catch a game. Some things:

1.  Wrigley is still my favorite ballpark.

2.  MDLL and I are sort of kinda back together.

3.  By "sort of kinda", I mean we ARE back together, although I'm pretending we aren't.

4.  His divorce will be final in June or July, THANK SHIZZA!!

5.  Please pray Pittsburgh isn't attacked by aliens or his ex doesn't get a rare disease where her   hands fall off so she can't sign the final paperwork before he gets his divorce trophy.

6.  I know, I know. I am disgustingly in love with this moron and he is disgustingly in love with me.

7.  We are both very disgusting people.

Ballpark #21 - Atlanta Braves

June 15th: Another adventurous quick trip. My dad and I land in Atlanta at 9am, will hit up the supposedly amazing Georgia Aquarium, go to the game at 4pm, then fly back home at 9:30pm. It will be a long day, but HOW FUN, RIGHT!?!?

Ballpark #22 - Detroit Tigers

July 11th - 14th: I found RT tickets to Detroit for only $190. For some reason I decided to fly back to NYC at 6am on Sunday the 14th to save on hotel room costs.  My ridiculous plan is to stay at the bars until they close Saturday night, go to the airport and sleep in the terminal. I have no idea why I did this and may purposely miss my flight to go to bed like a normal person.  Native Detroiters Rockstar and Row are coming with, so I am excited to get the local perspective!

Ballpark #23 and #24 - San Francisco Giants and Oakland Athletics

September 4th - 10th (maybe):  My last impulse flight purchase was a great one: $200 RT to San Francisco.  MDLL is NOT an impulsive guy, so I give him credit for saying yes after five minutes of me freaking out asking him if he wants to go.  Last weekend we were talking about a trip to California, so the timing was perfect. Unfortunately we weren't entirely on the same page, me wanting to go up north for the games, he wanting to visit Los Angeles and San Diego for the first time.

We are booked for the above dates, however I might book a one way flight to San Diego on the 2nd, then we can drive up the coast and end up in SF around the 5th or 6th to catch the games before we leave. This means we'd eat our flight from NYC > SF on the 4th, so our deal wouldn't be that great. I'm okay with this as long as our total flight costs are under $400 each. I don't think ANYONE should pay more than that to fly within the continental US.  We shall see.

SO, that's my 2013 baseball rundown!!  All that's left is:

Minnesota Twins
Cincinnati Reds
Arizona Diamondbacks
Colorado Rockies
Houston Astros
Texas Rangers

I'm stoked!! After my baseball trips are done, LOOK OUT WORLD! I'm coming for ya!!

Thursday, February 21

I need to vent.

ARRRRGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

You ever have a magic show and go to pull the rabbit out of the hat, but it isn't there?

You make the best of the situation by improvising, moving on, and doing the best you can.  The audience is pleased.

Then all of a sudden weeks later, the rabbit comes out of the hat and says, "I'm here now! I'm the star of the show, let's do this!!!"

And you end up with this intense urge to Fatal Attraction the FUCKING SHIT out of that asshole rabbit.

No, you've never had this experience?  Good for you.

I'm going to boil some water.

ventventventventventventventventventventventventventventventventventventventventventventventventventventventventventventventventventventventventventventventventventventventventventventventventventventventventventventventventventventventventventventventventventventventventventventventventventventventventventventventventventventventventventventventventventventventventventventventventventventventventventventventventventventventventventventventventventventventventventventventventventventventventventventventventventventventventventventventventventventventventventventventventventventventventventventventventventventventventventventventventventventventventventventventventventventventventventventventventventventventventventventventventventventventventventventventventventventventventventventventventventventventventventventventventventvent


Thursday, February 14

Happy Valentine's Day, my sweets!

I'm still kickin'!  It's been an interesting couple of weeks since my last post.  I had a rough patch for a bit, but I'm on the road to recovery and feeling pretty darn well this week.

The rundown:

Work

Part 1 - I have no problem discussing raises or bonuses (if I don't ask, who will?), so when neither appeared in my last paycheck of 2012 I didn't hesitate to confront my boss.  I knew Biz was having trouble finding clients, so it wasn't a complete shock.  What WAS a complete shock came to light a few drinks later.  My boss Iron let it slip that she had removed a huge chunk of money from the Biz account for personal reasons, none of which I feel comfortable sharing.

What. the. fuck. You have GOT to be kidding me.

Part 2 - Two weeks later, Iron calls again.  After a long conversation about her personal issues, all of a sudden she blurts out how Biz is going under soon and I should look for a new job.  I flipped out in my own head since I didn't want to make a scene in the organic store.  Remind me to never take her calls when I'm in public.

I was so pissed and upset. I still am. My bosses have done nothing to try and save the company. I'm the only one who billed full-time last year AND I even brought in a new client AND it's a good friend of mine who I don't want to screw over!

Part 3 - I call my other boss Miron. He denied it all and said we'll be fine. I've learned since then he is in denial about everything in life.

Part 4 - I was afraid Stevie would be upset with me, but she completely understood.  THANK YOU SO MUCH!!  I swear I will do everything I can to see the project through.

Luckily I've come up with some options:  if Biz runs out of money, maybe they can pay me my hourly rate rather than a monthly salary. If they can't do that I'll create Thighs Inc and bill my own time. If I find a new job I could see if they'd let me work part time the first couple of months.  This is unlikely, so I'd probably end up working on the project nights and weekends, which I'd have no problem doing because I am a nerd and it's totally fun. Obviously my preferred situation would be to work at Biz until Stevie's project is over in May, then have something lined up so I can immediately give my notice. Fingers crossed!!

Part 5 - As of today, my resume is completed and forwarded to friends with jobs at my level in non-publishing industries. I ain't going back to the book world. Tron already hooked me up with a recruiter who has a great opportunity for me at a TV station here in NYC. I'm assuming I'll be called in for an interview next week.  This weekend I'll be doing some job searching just to see what's out there.

The good news is I'm confident everything will be fine in the end.  I have a successful career because I am proactive, listen to my intuition, and jump at opportunities.  Last year, my gut told me to be patient and stay put. I'm glad I did, but now it's time to take action and move on.

Health

I haven't drank since Saturday, which is good because last week was a bit of a bender.  Some highlights of my drunken antics:

Wednesday - I told my favorite bartender at Crazy Ass I think I'm falling in love with him. When I sobered up I realized this was a mistake.  I love him as a friend and I admire the way he lights people up inside. I'd still make out with him if I had the chance though. Just once.

Thursday - I decided to go back and apologize, but he wasn't working. I ended up going to the dive down the block to play some pool.  I made out with some iron worker in the bathroom, then I told this nice Indian man all of my MDLL woes. Then of course MDLL walks in later on, but I barely remember seeing him.  The next morning I woke up next to him with one of the worst hangovers I've had in years. I felt AWFUL and didn't move from my couch the entire day.

Saturday - I had a full day of birthday parties. Happy Birthday to Jarv, Rob, and Jill!! I had so much fun celebrating. Thankfully I didn't get as bombed as I did earlier in the week, but I was still pretty drunk.  This happened:



Another thing of note that happened - At the first bar I met a really nice Irish-ish guy. We hit it off so well that I figured we'd either make out or at the very least trade numbers. Well I ended up doing something I seriously have never ever EVER done before.  What is it?? You must be thinking really bad things, right??

I did nothing.  Nothing at all. I impatiently waited for him to approach me and he never did.  Even when I saw him outside on the way out he barely said anything to me.  Now the thing is, I'm not delusional. I am completely aware of when a guy doesn't like me and most the time I try anyway.  This was different though.  I can't verbalize why, I just really thought this dude was into me.  As the girls pointed out in the cab to the next bar, who the hell knows what his deal is.  Maybe he's taken, maybe he's gay, maybe he just didn't like me.  All I know is I HATE THE FEELING OF DOING NOTHING.

My direct personality has been a topic of conversation lately and I'm excited to learn more about it.  Obviously I have no problem voicing my opinions or expressing my feelings. (You can stop laughing.) What I do have a hard time with is understanding how people are or choose to be the opposite.

Maybe it's an East Coast thing or an Irish thing or a crazy vocal mother thing.  Maybe it's just a Me thing.  I've been very direct my entire life, so I'm assuming it's innate. I see beating around the bush as being passive-aggressive and a waste of time.  Now as my long time friends and Thighs readers know, my directness has gotten me into trouble, so I know it's not ideal.  I had to be told that most people are uncomfortable being as straight-forward or blunt as I am because it can be considered confrontational and/or selfish. I'm still having a hard time understanding this, but I am trying and I believe I'm becoming a better communicator. That said, when it comes to guys I still have zero patience.  If I like someone, I tell them. If I want their number, I ask for it. I have absolutely nothing to lose if they say no, so why not go for it?

Well, I'll tell you why. It hasn't really worked for me. It has for hooking up (snootch!) and it did with meeting MDLL, but he ended up being too passive (hold, please). On Saturday I actually tried something different, went against everything I believe in, and gave the guy a chance to hit on me first.  It was a fruitless experiment that is still waking my ragesnake a week later.  At this point it's not even about the guy, it's about me...something about me, but I don't know what. I need to explore this more in therapy.

MDLL

Saturday night ended with me eating breakfast at the diner around 3am.  I was alone and happy.  On the walk home, MDLL drunk texted me saying, "This sucks. I miss you." He got to my house 15 minutes later. We spent the whole day together, alternating between talking, laughing, talking, and crying.  It was probably the most real conversation and experience we ever shared.

It's no surprise he's in denial about our breakup considering our frequent drunken meet-ups of late. I believe it all finally hit him on Sunday.  I made it very, very clear we are broken up and will remain broken up until he can prove his divorce is final.  To make sure we don't speak or see each other before then, I have decided to cut back on drinking for a while.  First, I need to be healthier. Second,  MDLL and I will never be able to start a new chapter if we don't fully end this one.

I also explained he needs to do some soul-searching before I consider dating him again.  He has been unhappy for a long time and I REFUSE to sit back and watch him throw it all away.  He needs to figure out what's holding him back, what drove him to sabotage our relationship, and what he truly wants in life. I cannot be in a relationship with someone who doesn't try to find their truths or move forward. His personal happiness is not my responsibility. OURS is, together.

I'll admit it's confusing to hit on guys one day and talk to MDLL about our future the next.  I was honest with him about what I need to do right now which is mainly get healthy, find a new job, and date.  I want to meet new guys and test the waters, so I can find out for sure if MDLL is The One.

Ugh. I can't describe how much I fucking love AND hate him right now.  It is fascinating.  The hate has subsided a bit since Sunday, so now I am open to trying again this summer.  If we're both single, of course.  Yes, I know some of you want the MDLL story to end. I don't think it can though. I love him. And hate him. They're basically the same thing, right?

Wednesday, January 30

SEEKING SWM

A guy who looks exactly like Chris Pratt - sexy, gingerish, bulging, hunk of a man.




























Must be:

available - not married, separated, damaged from divorce, or with girlfriend but "having problems"
33-45ish
loving
caring and kind
funny - cracks me and others up
smart
honest
loyal
assertive and driven without being a dick about it
responsible and mature in ways that matter ie job, home, finances, family, relationships, etc.
interested in new life experiences
makes friends easily
enjoys being social
a good communicator
ready for marriage and open to having children
politically open-minded, although leans to the left on social issues
religiously open-minded

Must like:

movies, especially action ones
sports, especially football and baseball
comics or at least superheroes in general
drinking but not a drunk...well not a worse drunk than me
trying new activities (so many activities!)
living in NYC
the color blue

Monday, January 21

Me, now.


Love Wounds

The AQ girls and I went to brunch on Saturday, then kept drinking for ten more hours.  It was a blast, per usual!! 

Also per usual, I saw MDLL.  He texted me around 10pm or so saying he really needs to talk and wanted to see me.  It sounded urgent (as urgent as a text can sound), so I told him to meet me at my place. 

This was dumb.

I woke up around 8am. He was in bed lying next to me. I was like, "MDLL, what the fuck happened last night?"  The only thing I remembered was poorly rolling a joint.  Ever wipe and find twisted toilet paper strands in your undies next time you go to the bathroom?  That's what my joint looked like.

He came over to tell me he loves me, misses me, and wants to get back together.  I told him no.

I'm done. Super done. It breaks my heart that we didn't work out, but I can't do this anymore.  We are broken up and we need to start acting like it. Each time we speak or hang out we have to breakup all over again. Our wounds will never heal at this rate. We're picking the scab, then pouring salt on it. It's horrible.

I'm not sure what to do.  I don't want to ignore his calls or be mean. I don't want to avoid Crazy Ass, although I do make a point of going there when I know he won't be.  If there was a way to speed up the healing process I would do it for the both of us.  Relationship Neosporin, if you will.

I love MDLL as I do an old friend.  I don't feel IN love with him anymore. I hate the line, but I really don't know any other way to describe how I feel right now.

I want to be with someone who spazzes out over life, love, and me.  MDLL is too passive to spaz out over anything. While I appreciate his calming demeanor and want someone who is my rock, I also want someone who is fun-nuts like I am.  Okay, maybe I'm nuts-nuts, but you know what I mean.

FUN-NUT! WHERE ARE YOU? I WANT TO MAKE OUT WITH YOUR FACE!

Friday, January 18

I'm up I'm up!!

Two weeks after a depressing start to the new year, I feel AWESOME.  Awesomely awesome.  It's the pattern for manics, updownupdownupdown.  I'm going to cherish this "up" while I have it.

In therapy yesterday I cried my eyes out about MDLL.  It was a great release.  I've said this before and you have no reason to believe me, but it really does feel like his chapter of my life is over. I'm back to going after my Taco Lobster, the he-me or He-Thighs, and I can't wait to meet him. 

I look at my couple friends and I'm SO incredibly fortunate to say they all mesh extremely well.  They inspire me to keep looking and give me the hope and confidence I desparately need to not give up.  Thanks, you!

Working from home is now my new favorite thing.  I LOVE IT.  I'm sure it will suck if I have another lonely week, but right now it fucking rules.  I put in my time ON my time, meaning I'm not strapped to a straight eight hour work day.  Of course this means I can easily work over eight hours, but I'm okay with it.  I like my projects and I'm having fun re-learning an app called Qlikview, which funnily enough I was first introduced to way back in my Company days.  It's amazing how life comes full circle.

My apartment is clean, my fridge is stocked, my dishes are done, and I'm saving at least $15 a day by not buying lunch or coffee.  I talk to myself, dance around, and smile a helluva lot more than I did at Minnow with my waste-of-space bosses.

Consulting is the best fit for someone who hates stupidity, authority, and worst of all, stupid authority.  It's also great if you are a social person who likes working alone.  Sounds like an oxymoronish thing, but it's not.  I love team work and brainstorming, but I also love doing discovery and cranking shit out on my own without a boss like Tennis looking at me like a dog - head cocked to one side, blank yet confused stare, and some slobber.

Tonight I'm heading to Doll's to celebrate Rage and Brawny's birthdays. I've been on a museum kick lately, so I might try and hit MOMA beforehand because it's free Friday evenings. Oooo, remind me to share my thoughts on some of the exhibits I saw this month.

I have brunch plans both Saturday and Sunday, one with the Astoria gals and another with my Company gals. Other than that I am free, which is nice.  Monday's a holiday for Biz, but not for any of my clients, so I will be working as needed. 

I'm more inclined to post when I'm feeling down or need to get things off my chest, so this year I'm making a point to share my positive up days.  Life is good, it's Friday, and I am happy.  YAY!

Tom's of Maine

A few months ago I made the switch from regular toothpaste to Tom's of Maine natural toothpaste.  I read most toothpastes may have sugar or at least a bit of saccharin in them, so I decided to ditch the old stuff and go hippie.  I love it.  Whenever I use regular toothpaste it tastes gross now.

I started using Tom's Naturally Dry anti-perspirant and deodorant a while back as well.  I don't remember having an opinion about it, so I'm assuming it was fine.  I ran out of it a few weeks ago and accidentally grabbed their Long Lasting Deodorant, rather than the sweat reducing one.

WELL.

About 3-4 hours after applying their "deodorant", I smell like I'm storing Blimpies in my armpits.  It is awful.  I've always been a big sweater since puberty.  I was the kid in class who had huge sweatpockets or smelled waaaaaayy too much like Secret because I was afraid I stunk.  Oddly enough I only remember getting made fun of about it once, but that one time was enough.

In college my doctor prescribed me Drysol, a hardcore anti-perspirant for excessive sweaters.  You apply the roll-on liquid before bed and to ensure it stays put, they recommend you wear a tight t-shirt or SARAN WRAP YOUR PITS.  I believe I saran wrapped once. I felt like Kathy Bates in Fried Green Tomatoes.  Actually, I'm surprised I never created the whole dress...

 
My word Drysol burns, especially if you get it on the non-pit part of your underarm.  It friggin works though, probably because it's cauterizing your sweat glands.  A new Thighs was born - a pitstain free one who now extended her whole arm out to flag the bartender rather than timidly try to get his attention with a T-rex reach.

I'm not sure how long I used Drysol...maybe 4 or 5 years?  I never really had the excessive pit-sweat problem after that, but I'm sure that has more to do with being on thyroid medication now. You know, because everyone over 30 LOOOOVES blaming their thyroid for things.  I still sweat a lot when it's hot out or I'm exercising (??), but on a normal day I don't have to worry about raising my arm and looking like a band teacher.  Example*:


That said, it is now apparent I need to wear both anti-perspirant and deodorant AND ditch the natural stuff.  If I smell like processed meats, I might as well use processed odor protection.

This post was written for anyone who had the unfortunate experience of smelling me as of late. SORRY!  I bought two boxes of Secret Clinical Strength yesterday. You're welcome.



*Yes, a normal day is me pretending to get balloon splooge in my eye.

Thursday, January 17

Dream: Our Wedding Day

My parents, extended family, and friends from throughout my life were standing outside, within the outer wall of a big fort/castle type of building.

I was getting dressed inside the fort in a nearby room, one that kept switching between my grandmother's bedroom and a hotel room.  It was my wedding day. My outfit switched between jeans and a long white tunic, to a white flowy top and pants men would wear in the desert.  My mom came in, but I don't recall what she said.

I looked at myself in the mirror.  My veil was short and white with blue beaded and gemmed tassles dangling down the front like dreadlock bangs.  The neckline of my white shirt also had blue beads and gems. Both my veil and shirt clashed with the huge tacky blue earrings I was wearing, so I took them out. 

Hanging on a nearby rack was my mom's wedding dress and accessories.  I took the beaded veil off and put on my mother's flower crown, which was yellowed from age.  I hoped she would like that I was wearing it.

I cried the whole time I was getting ready.  All I kept thinking was, "I don't love MDLL. I don't want to marry him."  I sobbed and sobbed.

When I got outside my dad gave me a hug.  I told him I didn't want to go through with the wedding.  He said it was too late now.  A friend came over, but I don't know who she was as her face was blurry. I believe it was an acquantaince from high school (Becky Pepe, maybe?), which is odd because we weren't close.  She hugged me and said, "It will all be okay. You DO love each other, it's just really hard right now."

As I approached MDLL he wiped his eyes. I couldn't tell if he was crying because he loved me or didn't want to get married either. We had been fighting every day up until the wedding.  I was afraid he would leave me at the altar, yet I wished I had the guts to leave him there.

The ceremony took one second.  We were married, but we didn't see each other for a couple of days. I finally called him.  I said, "Husband?"  He answered, "Wife?" I smiled, my heart filling with love for him like the old days.

No need to analyze this dream, huh?  Welcome to my subconscious, friends. It's a hoot in there!!

Tuesday, January 15

Happy New Year!

I finally feel like writing. Joy for you!!


January 1st - 6th

After a splendid NYE in Times Square at Rock and Row's apartment, followed by bar hopping and diner eating until 5:30am with Gerf, I barely moved from my couch on New Year's Day.  I watched 10 hours of Homeland.  TEN. HOURS.  Then shit went, well, not okay.

I became uber depressed that week.  I haven't been really down in a very long time.  I'm still not sure what happened and I'm fine now, but it was not good.  Some ideas:

1.  My PMS depression seems to be getting worse with age.  You would think being on Auntie D would help, but it doesn't.  I looked up some ways to reduce the effects of PMS naturally, which is eating right, exercising, and taking vitamins.  Basically the cure for all ailments. I am going to be very diligent about taking care of myself next cycle to see if it helps.

2.  I work from home now, so I was pretty lonely.  Not a great feeling when I'm already down.

3.  This might sound silly, but the last two episodes of Homeland Season 1 bothered me.  

**SPOILER ALERT! Skip to point 4 if you haven't seen it or Juniper will yell at me.** 

Without giving too much away, a character is gaslighted.  The first time I heard this term was watching All My Children with my mom.  Chandler set Dixie up to believe she was trying to kill their baby by planting ripped up baby clothes and some other shit around the house. Eventually she went crazy, although I'm not sure how the story ended.  Knowing soap operas, it's probably still going on 25 years later.

Anyways, gaslighting scares the fuck out of me.  It's hard enough to trust I'm not already going nuts sometimes, so to have a person scheme to do it to me is horrifying.  The show was unsettling.

4.  I'm officially 190 pounds, the heaviest I've ever been.  I definitely look fatter and my clothes don't fit, but strangely enough my thigh muscles feel big and strong. Maybe the fat is underneath them? Who knows?  Talk about a yo-yo diet, huh?

5.  Last but not least, the inevitable MDLL part.  I was DEVASTATED after NYE.  I felt worse about our breakup and failed relationship than I ever had before.  I kept telling myself to just get through the holidays and football, so when both ended (the Giants and Steelers aren't in the playoffs) I guess my armor fell and I felt everything. I cried for five days straight until I decided I needed to see him that Sunday.

I made an excuse to get the rest of my stuff - a scarf, hair dryer, and beach umbrella. Critical things I can't live without. obviously.  Long story short there were the usual tears, hugs, professions of love, sex, fun, laughs.  We had a good night.

January 7th - 12th

The next morning I got my period and my depression immediately went away.  It's true it could have been the sex or seeing MDLL, but I don't think so.  Every month is the same thing lately; the minute I get my period I'm fine.

Monday through Wednesday I was up in Rochester working with Iron. It was a nice and productive visit!!  The rest of the week was pretty low-key (I think), at least until Saturday.  I went to the salon to get my hair bleached back to blonde.  I'm done with the red.  Wait, did I share my red hair thoughts??? 

The first time I went red I was 19. Shortly after I dyed it I met Psycho Joe, my first boyfriend.  I went back blonde, we broke up, the end.  What's interesting is the three times I've gone red since then were always when my heart ached - PJ and I had a lot of problems, a guy I liked got married, and now when MDLL were slowly breaking up.  While I've always been attracted to redheads, I seem to dye my own hair red when I want to feel attractive or not feel like myself.  I guess most people change their appearance after a breakup, so it's nothing new.  The pattern of my gingerness just never occurred to me before.

The stylist was able to get my hair to strawberry blonde for now.  I like it a lot, so I'm happy not being my natural color just yet.  When I came home I BAKED.  I was inspired to make gluten-free bacon and apple cider biscuits for Bacon's bacon party.  They came out awful, but I USED MY OVEN ALL BY MYSELF!! Yayayayayayayayayay!!  After that I went to Megkefel's son Henry's birthday party, the bacon party, and a bar where I met some Albania men who bought me a drink and tried to get me to go to some shitty euro-snobby club in the neighborhood.  I declined.  It was a super fun action packed day!

January 13th

Sunday was another delightful day of brunch and a movie with Juniper and Jarv.  Later that night MDLL came over again.  This time it was not great.

I haven't wanted to write or talk about him much because it's all the same shit.  Plus, why would anyone believe we're still broken up or he's truly processing his divorce at this point?  Well fuck it, I need to talk about it.  Here are my problems:

1.  I don't understand how I could love him more than anything, then fall out of love with him

2.  I don't understand how he says he loves me, yet repeatedly hurt me

3.  I am afraid to get back with him

4.  I am afraid of being alone and won't be able to find my Taco Lobster

5.  I am afraid I'll run out of time before I can have a kid.  I considered asking MDLL to knock me up, just so I can have one before I'm 40.  This is stupid.

6.  I love so many things about him, but his lack of effort, drive, and interest in lifing have become dealbreakers.  I told him Sunday night I need to be with someone who takes life by the balls, throws them against the wall or gargles them in their mouth...whatever that means. My point is I need to be with someone who shares my passion for living it up, trying it out, and just doing.

7.  I'm worried asking for someone who fits the above won't have the good MDLL traits, that I'm asking too much.  Is there a loving, sensitive, kind, and generous man out there who is also driven, interested, experienced, and makes an effort to keep me and us happy?

8.  It's possible I only lusted MDLL and not loved him

9.  We know what most of my family, friends and our mutual friends think - he's a fuck up and I can do better.  How can I be with MDLL if no one really likes him??

10. I feel guilty putting my needs first when he needs a friend

January 14th - 15th

I'm having a good week despite a somewhat upsetting Sunday night.  Monday I had a meeting in the city, then went to Crazy Ass to work the rest of the day.  It was nice to be around people instead of cooped up in my apartment. Please note, by no means am I complaining about working from home!  I am SO incredibly happy to not have to deal with slobbering nosy bosses and shitty office mates.  It is a bit of an adjustment having nowhere to go in the morning, though.  I have to make a point to leave the apartment, which I did not do today.

So there you have it.  I've managed to live a lot of life the first two weeks of 2013.  Despite the first few depressing days and my MDLL confusion, right now I couldn't be happier.  Living and lifing is much better than the alternative!!

Saturday, December 29

Death

I had a very lovely Christmas with my family this past weekend.  My mom only made me cry once, but that was today so at least the holiday was pleasant.

There were two uncomfortable things that happened, though.  One, I noticed how often we McGees interrupt and talk over one another.  It's horribly rude and sadly, I know I do it, too.  Luckily, most of my friends are the same way.  At least I think they are...oh shit, is that the only way you can get a word in edgewise with me?  SORRY.

Two, we were sitting at the kitchen table and my parents told Rip and I about their plans for the future.  Yada, yada, yada, then my mom mentioned "if one of us dies..." and I brainfarted.

If one of them dies.  Jesus.  Sometimes when I was really mad at them I'd wish they were dead.  That was angsty, mean, asshole shit and I regret it, especially now that they are getting older.  Granted they are still relatively younger than some of my friends' parents, my dad being 61, Mom 58, but still.

My mom's dad died at 62 from a heart attack.  He also had Alzheimer's, but I'm not sure if that has anything to do with dying young.  My other grandparents died over 75.

Excluding Grandpa Crowley, if history is any indicator my parents have about 15-20 years left. I don't like this one bit.

My parents just dropped me off after we visited my aunt and uncle in Long Island.  Once I got upstairs I had this insane urge to write about their death and death in general.  Hopefully this post isn't a jinx.

I'm a believer in the afterlife, spirits, The Larger, and Heaven in the sense that when you die you are somewhere good and peaceful.  I don't really believe in Hell, although I have thought maybe Earth is hell and you just keep coming back until you are a good person. My own personal hell would be an eternity long panic attack I can't get out of. I assume most mentals would agree.  My point is I'm not worried about what happens to them after they die. I can't do anything about it, nor is there any proof as to what actually occurs, so I find comfort in believing the deceased is always with me.  Not when I'm naked, of course.

What's really bothering me is imagining my life without them.  I never thought about it before, probably because I've only felt love and a connection to them in recent years.  Once my mom started talking about their death, my heart sank and my face got sad.  Wait, what?  What do you mean you're going to die?  Worse is, ONE of you might die and then the other has to live life alone?  My parents are retarded for each other, if they die they both have to go at the same time.  They have to, right??

Okay say they do both die. SHIT. I am really, really sad thinking about this.  Thinking how I'll never hear my dad's booming voice, laugh, or awesome "hail a cab NYC whistle" that I can't do.  I won't be able to call my mom and tell her about my day or hear her insane one-liners and weird noises, two quirks I'm extremely happy were passed down to me.  The both of them are silly bozos and I love it. I love them.

I guess this is what I really wanted to write about.  Not death, but life.  My parents' lives are full of love, passion, crazy, pain, laughter, more crazy, fun, everything.  It's not always easy to be around my mom, but I can't imagine not being ABLE to be around her or my dad. Blerg.

I love my parents. I love my brother. I love my family. I love my friends.

Writing this post helped me uncover a self-truth....What I fear most about death is living with a broken heart.

The end.