In 49 days I will be 40 years old. FORTY! That's insane!!
I won't believe it! I can't believe it!*
A couple of months ago I was getting my haircut. I mentioned to the stylist that I was going to be 40 and she didn't flinch! I'm used to the, "No you're not!" or "Get outta town!" the latter of which, no one has actually said to me ever, but I like the sound of.
That was the first time turning 40 weirded me out. I've never been one to care about my age, probably because I've never been this old before.
I couldn't figure out what was bothering me. Am I not the person I want to be at 40? I don't know...did I want to be anyone else by now?
I did a little digging into past Thighs. Per my blog, there were only two things I wanted to do before 40:
1. Pay off my credit card debt. TASK COMPLETE!
2. Have a kid. TASK DELETED.
When I was around 36 I was very much on the baby train. I even considered asking MD to impregnate me and I would be a single mother. Since then I've clearly changed my mind and I'm glad. I absolutely love babies. I love toddlers. I love all kids until the age of 13 and then I really don't know what to say to them because in a weird way I revert back to 13 around them and worry they'll think I'm a dork. An old dork.
Anyway, not having a kid was the best decision I've ever made. I have too many mental health issues and too many activities. Sleeping is my new favorite hobby and a kid would get in the way of it.
And here's my AHA moment.
My problem with 40 is not that I didn't have a kid...it's that I AM NOT A KID.
At 40 I am 100% not a kid anymore. I am an adult. Sure some people would say I was an adult at 35 or 30. Not my 20s because well, read this blog from the beginning.
But at 40?? No denying it now. I'm an adult. BLECH.
On the plus side, you know what's cool about being an adult with no debt and no children?
I'm going to Portugal for my 40th! I'm visiting my college roommate Blancs for a week. Yay!
And then MD turns 40 in June, so we're going to Hawaii for two weeks in September for a double 40th celebration!
I'm sure I'll have a few more "YIKES!" moments over the next seven weeks, but it'll be fine.
The happy truth is my life gets better and better with every decade.
So come on 40. Let's do this.
*That was a Roger Rabbit quote.
Friday, January 19
In 49 days I will be 40 years old. FORTY! That's insane!!
Sunday, January 14
I have to remind myself that I am not ALL one thing, ALL the time. I am anger, I am happiness, I am sadness, I am light, I am dark, I am everything. We all are.
Written by THIGHS around 12:43 PM
Monday, January 8
Part of the bad stuff from 2017 is my new opinion of the world.
Written by THIGHS around 10:38 PM
Monday, January 1
Happy New Year! 2017 was great on a personal, inner circle level. The rundown:
1. Our first year of marriage was...I don't know what word I want, but I have a HUGE smile on my face. Things were the same for the most part, although I do love saying "husband". There's definitely a new bond between us. Maybe it's the...
OMG. So while I'm smiling and happily thinking of MD, he wakes up and I want to kill him. We've had a fly problem the past two months and couldn't figure out where they were coming from. This morning I realized the super installed a new ceiling light in our bathroom right around the same time. I used the fly swatter to feel around it and found a gap. I'm 100% sure that's where they are coming from. MD was like, "No, I don't think so." and walked away. YES YOU SHOULD THINK SO. Then he changed his mind and agreed with me, so we're fine and I love him again. This is the perfect glimpse into our marriage. I love him and I want to strangle him.
2. My parents moved back to Brooklyn in 2015 (not sure if I wrote about it since then). I am really enjoying this new chapter in our relationship! I see them at least once a month, usually meeting in the city for dinner or a fun activity. For Christmas I bought them tickets to their first basketball and hockey games. They never really went out in Jackson, so I'm excited they are broadening their horizons and interests.
3. My absolute favorite moment of 2017 was St. Patty's Day with my dad. Last summer his best friend Philly passed away. He got sick pretty quickly and died in July. His funeral was on my dad's birthday. It was so upsetting. I think they were 13 when they met. They were both so excited to see each other more often once my parents moved back to NY.
The only day they did see each other for the past 30 years was St. Patty's Day. My heart broke thinking how upset my dad would be his first year without Philly. I thought we should do something really special for him, so we secretly planned to fly Rippie out and surprise him.
We killed it!! My parents were already at Smith's. I walked in and Rippie waited outside for about 10 minutes. My dad had his back to the door, so Rip walked in behind him and tapped him on the shoulder. I will never forget the way my dad looked at him, turned away, and looked back again and screamed. We all cried. It was perfect and we all had such a great day together.
4. Another great moment - Rippie and Veev just got engaged! I was in Pittsburgh when they called and I sobbed with happiness at a Panera Bread. Honestly the tears really surprised me. This was a deep soul cry. I was overcome with joy and now that I'm thinking about it, pride. I'm so proud of Rippie for opening himself up to love, nurturing that love, and now uniting with his love.
I am a fucking sap in my old age.
5. Travels! As I wrote in my last drunken post, I travelled a lot for work this year. It's exhausting and stressful (more on this later), but it is also cool as hell. Another favorite moment of the year is meeting MD in London. It was ridiculously expensive for him to take the same flight as me, so he flew in the night before. It was so fun to get to the hotel and have him there waiting for me. We're fancy!
6. Food! So much good food! For our anniversary we splurged and went to DelFrisco's. It was an amazingly expensive and delicious meal.
7. Entertainment! I read 96 books this year. No one thinks graphic novels should count though, so as far as prose books go I read 45. That's a lot!! I also went to 22 plays, 24 movies, and two Mets games.
8. Money! I have a healthy savings, no debt, and my 401K is in good shape again. MD has some debt we're paying off together and we should be completely debt free by the end of the year. Woo hoo!
9. Health! I'm doing well! I had a handful of manic episodes, a few sinus infections, and a couple of back spasms, but it wasn't that bad! And this is coming from a negative and dramatic hypochondriac, so you know it's true!
I guess that's the year in a nutshell! I'm just really enjoying my time home. I didn't even go out last night for New Year's Eve. I did a puzzle all day, wrote in my journal, watched football, and stuffed myself silly with Indian food. MD slept through the ball drop. It was perfect.
Now there's a whole other not-so-perfect parts of 2017 to write about, but I don't think I have it in me right now. To be continued!
Written by THIGHS around 1:02 PM
Wednesday, December 20
Hello old friend! This is addressed to you, my blog, and to my inebriation. Hello Thighsighs and Drunken Thighs McGee! It's been a while!
I had a delicious dinner at an Astoria steakhouse called Christos. This was probably my fifth time there and it never disappoints. Neither does the company - Pirate 1 and Pirate 2 (P1 and P2) are wonderful steakmates, Crazy Ass mates, and good mates in general.
So where have I been for 2017? Actually mostly New York, but a good portion was in Europe. I've been traveling to London and Paris for work almost every month this year. What's that like, you ask?
First, IT'S AMAZING. Honest to gawd, I can't believe it when I say, "I'm working in London and/or Paris for this week." Whenever I tell someone I go to either city I smile to myself in disbelief.
Second, I'm travel beat. I barely took any trips for myself this year because I'm so tired traveling for work. The only personal trips I took were within driving distance - Pittsburgh in January, visited Rolo in New Hampshire in May, spent a week in Seaside Heights with my parents, then took a staycation (!!) the week of Thanksgiving. My last week of vacation starts tomorrow at 5pm. MD and I are heading back to Pittsburgh for Christmas, then Rippie and his girlfriend Veev are spending a few days with us in NY. I miss jet-setting for myself!
Last, I'm work beat. The Europe projects aren't going well and I continuously have new projects added. There is zero support from upper management, so basically it's a stressful shitshow on a daily basis. That said, I am mature and self-aware enough to realize that I am in control of my own stress and have yet to master managing it. It is not a toxic environment like Minnow, it's not a mindfuck like Company. It's just that once again a job does not live up to my high expectations. See, I've grown!
I'm so happy I'm writing. I've been thinking about this for a while. It's funny I decided to post while I'm drunk considering this is an occasional thing nowadays. I "quit" drinking back in 2014, but this year I've slowly started drinking again. Well, not that slow - after the election results in November I took up drinking sort of hard through January, then it's only like once a month. Not like I used to drink of course, but enough to get a buzz and occasionally drunk like tonight. It only takes me about three drinks to feel it now, so I'm not that concerned. I was concerned about drinking over the state of the world. Today I drank because I just felt like it. That's a better reason. Wine and sangria only. It's the Raisinet mindset; it's healthy because it's made with fruit!
I don't think I have much more to say. The reason my blog has been on my mind is I'd like to write about approaching 40. ACK ACK ACK! Holy dirty fucks! 40!
So hopefully you'll hear from me again soon.
Oh and in case you're wondering, I had one of the top 10 pees of my life before I wrote this.
Written by THIGHS around 10:23 PM
Wednesday, August 2
- a strong desire to do or to achieve something, typically requiring determination and hard work.
- desire and determination to achieve success.
Ambitious people always seemed to be cutthroat, selfish jerk-offs to me. I never really looked at ambition as a positive trait, grouping it along with materialistic or petty or mean.
So it was pretty funny last night when my psychiatrist Rah said, "Well, you've always been ambitious."
I had a similar reaction a few years ago when a friend said I was confident. Confident?? Me? What the hell are you talking about? I have low self-esteem, I am vulnerable, I obsess over what people think of me. That said, most of the time I don't give a fuck, but that's not the same as being confident...is it?
I am ambitious.
I am confident.
I can feel my heart fill as I write these words. It's the strangest thing.
How have I gotten this far in life without knowing who or what or how I am?
What else am I missing??
Written by THIGHS around 11:43 AM
Wednesday, December 28
I know, I know. It's not over!! Gah!
I'm very sad about Carrie Fisher passing. I love her!! And I think I'm even sadder because I realize now I love her more than I thought I did. I guess that's how death works. Or is that how life works?
I am curious about 2016 being the "year of celebrity death". Is it possible we are just reaching the age when the stars we love pass? I'm not sure and really, it doesn't help anyone feel better, but I looked at the numbers.
I used Wikipedia to find famous American or British deaths (I'm not very familiar with other countries' celebrities or notable people) of 2005, 2014, and 2016. If I heard of the name, I marked them as "known." My findings are that 2016 was a bad year to be a musician and that I only knew 6 more notable people who passed this year vs. 2014.
Take it for what you will.
Written by THIGHS around 2:56 PM
Tuesday, December 20
It's dead in my office. DEAD. There's plenty I could be doing, but I'm not doing any of it. I don't know why I have a successful career. I am the worst procrastinator. I am horrible at hitting deadlines, so I make sure I don't have any deadlines. It's sort of ridiculous. I'm sloooooowly cleaning out my inbox. There's 300 emails in there, which is a lot for me. I typically use my inbox as my to do list, so I rarely have more than 50. I am email OCD, but since the wedding I've let it get (relatively) out of hand.
We're off to Pittsburgh Thursday night! I'm excited to see my in-laws. I wish they were local. I'm sort of burnt out from plans and travels, so it would be great if we didn't have to drive so far. Luckily we don't have to go further! Last trip we drove halfway and stayed at a hotel. I like breaking it up a bit. Then we're not exhausted the day we get there. It's really only a six hour drive, but since I can't eat fast food and I pee a lot, it ends up being about a nine hour trip. Oops.
I was going to make this my year end review post, but I think I'll wait. This is my "I'm bored at work and there's no one to IM and even though the internet has LITERALLY millions of things to read I don't feel like reading anything especially because a lot of it will be about Trump and he and his supporters can go fuck themselves so instead I will write about nothing and will challenge myself to make this the longest sentence I have ever written but now that I just wrote that I am bored by the challenge and shall stop" post.
I'm rarely bored. I always find something to keep me occupied. Not today though, apparently.
This is going to be a very long day.
Written by THIGHS around 11:30 AM
Thursday, November 10
The past month has been a whirlwind of emotions. The wedding prep, the wedding itself, being married, losing a friend, and now the election.
I can't stop crying. I can never stop crying, but now these are tears for my country.
I am white, I am straight, I am both agnostic and polytheistic (if that makes sense). I am terrified for non-whites, for LGBTQ, for anyone not Christian. I am scared they are going to be more abused than ever now that the president condones hatred, racism, homophobia, Islamophobia, anti-semitism, the list goes on and on.
I am in the upper middle class. I have no problem paying more taxes to help people survive. I am scared that things will get worse for the less fortunate.
As a 38 year old woman, I am worried for my reproductive health and rights. What happens if I get pregnant at 42 while on Klonopin? It's a class D drug, which means there is a high chance of birth defects. While I hope I never have to be faced with the decision to abort, I can't believe I may not have the choice.
For the middle of the country who feels ignored, I do not understand your logic. You supposedly want small government, you want to dismantle welfare programs, you think people should take personal responsibility for their life choices. If you're homeless, get a job! If you're poor, get a better job! If you're a single parent scraping to get by, you shouldn't have had kids! Why aren't you looking into the mirror and saying the same thing to yourself? Your coal mining job went away, well then, why did you go into that industry? Why didn't you go to college and get a white collar job? Not so easy, is it? The reality is, you want the government to help YOU, but no one else.
I do not want to be friends with a Trump supporter. This is beyond regular Republican vs. Democrat ideals. This is giving power to those who will use it for hate, for violence, and for shame. I am not open-minded or tolerant of those who selfishly voted for this man for their own personal gain. You may not identify as a racist or sexist or anything-ist, but you sure as fuck are okay with it and that means I don't want you in my life. Before the internet and social media, I wouldn't befriend you, so why pretend I have to accept you now?
I am at a loss. I don't know what to do, how to help, how to protect the Muslims in my neighborhood, or any of my minority and gay friends. Do I run for office? If this piece of shit can win, maybe a bipolar woman with a sordid past can? Do I quit my cushy job and work for non-profits? Do I take self-defense courses to ward off the pussy grabbing? Do I get my tubes tied so I don't have to worry about my reproductive rights? Do I bother trying to change the mind of those who don't share my values? Do I open up my home to people living in fear in red states? How do I handle my relationship with my in-laws who most likely voted for him? How do I go to work in a female-dominated industry, but male-dominated senior management, where all of my white and rich bosses were joking and laughing like nothing happened because to them, nothing did happen? How do I explain to my well-meaning white, straight male friends that posting "The people have spoken." or "Better luck in 2020." or "Stay positive." shows how privileged they are? How how how??
Last night I got really drunk for the first time in two years. It wasn't the best idea as I feel like shit today and I shouldn't be drinking on my meds at all, but I needed to be fucked up for a bit.
My head is out of the sand, my eyes are open, my life is changed forever. Now I need to figure out what to do with it.
Written by THIGHS around 10:40 AM
Thursday, October 20
It's my wedding day!
I'M GETTING MARRIED! WHAT THE FUCK? HOLY SHIT!
I'm on the train to go get my hair done, then go to Spags' apartment to get ready.
This is crazy. It's here so quickly. That was the point, but I can't believe it's October 20th already.
I don't know what to say. I don't know what to think. I'm on the verge of tears and a big post-coffee dump.
I just want everyone to have fun. I want to have fun. I want MD to have fun. FUN MOTHERFUCKERS! MOTHER-FUN-KERS!
This is crazy. I'm so excited.
Written by THIGHS around 7:32 AM
Monday, October 17
Wootie woot!! In the home stretch now!
The weekend was good. Well, sort of. On Saturday my mood swings were on overdrive, so that kind of sucked. I was happy, excited, cranky, irritable, overwhelmed, calm, cheerful, sad, and HUNGRY. All I did was eat.
MD and I went to Crazy Ass that night. I looked up at the sky and it was a full moon!! No wonder I felt so off! (Juniper is going to groan reading that sentence.)
Yesterday I felt much better. I walked around all day, watched the Giants pull out a win, and had a lovely dinner date with MD. We went to the restaurant we ate at the night we got engaged. Fun fact: we got engaged eleven weeks ago. Ha ha!!
I'm working from home today, which is good because I'm moody again. Lots of little things keep popping up - more people are coming, some aren't coming (thank god I don't have assigned seating, that must be a nightmare), questions, and what have you. Nothing crazy, but I feel a bit overwhelmed. I just told Bakes that I'm going to mentally picture myself in catcher's gear, so that I can field all the fastballs, curveballs, and wild pitches flung at me over the next few days.
My to do list is super short:
1. Tonight is dinner with my mom and her best friend who I haven't seen in years.
2. Tomorrow I'm dropping off everything at Houston Hall
3. Clean the apartment because MD's brother, sister, and her boyfriend are staying here while we're at the hotel.
4. Pack for hotel and pack a separate bag for the Wedding Day.
5. Practice make-up because I'm too cheap to hire anyone and the only trial I did made me look like a hooker clown.
6. Try try try to enjoy this week! It'll be over before I know it!
Written by THIGHS around 2:59 PM
Friday, October 14
I don't know the last time I had a drink. I mean, the first last time. The last time I had a drink was Monday at a dinner with my friends who were in town for comic-con and won't be back for the wedding.
I slowed the drinking down a bit in 2014, the year of mental illness hell. In 2015 I believe I had five drinks - two glasses of wine on Christmas, three on New Year's Eve. This year I've drank more - a glass of wine on Valentine's Day, a couple of glasses of sangria on my birthday, a glass of sangria in California, two glasses of sangria on the day we got engaged, a couple of glasses of wine...obviously there's a pattern. For some reason I believe drinking sangria and wine are okay. They're fruit, right? I'd say maybe once every couple of months I have a glass, although I have been drinking a bit more the past few weeks to take the edge off.
You know what else takes the edge off? Weed. It's great. I don't smoke often, but I am stoned now and feel mighty fiiiiiine...
My favorite alcoholic drink pre-wino '16 was vodka and soda with a splash of cranberry. Now all I drink is water, coffee, and seltzer with cran.
For the past hour I've tried to get myself off the couch to go get seltzer. Braless and pajamaed, the odds were pretty low I'd go anywhere. I texted MD to see if he'd leave the bar and bring me some:
ME: Can you bring me seltzer? I don't want to get up.
[one minute passes]
ME: Don't ignore me.
MD: Haha! No!
ME: Now I gotta put a bra and pants on. Thanks Obama!
ME: I'll give you a hundred dollars.
ME: Can you bring me seltzer?
I FINALLY put on some jeans (no bra) and went to the store. I bought two 20 oz plastic bottles.
I kid you not, it took me 7 minutes to open one of those suckers. I twisted and twisted until my hand stung. I was going to use my teeth and thought, "I'm getting married, I don't want to crack any!" Then I used a knife and thought, "I'm getting married, I can't cut myself!" Then I tried tongs, but there was no grip. I twisted again and still couldn't open either of them.
So then I used my teeth...
and I'm fine. Nothing happened. Cap came right off.
My drink has sat on the table for the 20 or so minutes I've been writing. I forgot all about it.
Written by THIGHS around 9:27 PM
I picked up my dress Wednesday night and had a little meltdown. The back looked really baggy for some reason. I brought it home anyway because I didn't want to deal with another round of alterations this close to the wedding.
I cried to my parents and they were amazing. They came right over yesterday morning (I worked from home) and fixed it. Apparently one of my EIGHT layers of tulle was bunched up inside, so now it looks perfect.
Four of those layers were of this big puffy slip I was pressured into buying. I totally fell for the upsell. I already ditched the corset because THEY ARE AWFUL and now I ditched the slip, too!! I feel SO much better with none of that shit underneath. Unfortunately my gut sticks out now, but I like to think of it as "a pot" a la this scene in Pulp Fiction:
Last night Juniper helped me put the favors together. They're perfect! I won't say what they are in case anyone still reads this shiz.
Today after lunch I went to Century 21 to buy some pearl earrings. I'm not really a pearl girl - necklaces maybe, snootch - but the hairclip I bought has some pearl in it, so I thought it might look nice.
I totally had a mini-anxiety attack. I'm on so many meds now that I don't usually go full blown. ACK ACK ACK ACK. I'm getting married in six days! ACK!
MD has stayed out late every night this week and probably will next week, too. I'm trying not to take it as a personal blow off, but really dude? He's only been going out twice a week for months, but ever since we got engaged he's been out all of the time. I know that's his way of blowing off steam and stress, but I'm annoyed. Blerg.
I don't have any plans this weekend and I can't tell if this is a good thing or a bad thing. Maybe having too much time on my hands will make me go mental. Maybe I should go drinking with Cuba Gooding Jr. until 3am one night. (That was MD's Wednesday, not kidding.) Maybe I should be wasted from now until Thursday! Fuck it, I'll be wasted from now until eternity!! E-TER-NI-TY.
BLAH. (I just said that out loud while sitting in my open-floor plan cubicle. Oops.)
Written by THIGHS around 4:15 PM
Wednesday, October 12
Done and done.
Written by THIGHS around 2:50 PM
You know the hardest part about getting married?
It's not MD's nerves (and boy, is he nervous). It's not my nerves or mania (well, more on that later). It's not the commitment, although strangely enough I'm having dreams where I'm hooking up with randos. It's not the planning or the money or any of the normal stuff.
No, for me, the hardest part about getting married is the love.
I've never felt this loved in my entire life.
I fell in love with MD pretty quickly. It took him about a year later to fall in love with me. I'm not exactly sure when I was fully able to accept his love. I think it might have been December 2012. I probably wrote about it. We broke up "FOR GOOD" on Election Day. Stuff happened, then one day right before Christmas I left my apartment to buy Rippie a gift. MD was standing at my door. He missed his flight and couldn't get another one until the next day. When he left the airport, all he could think about was me, so he came right over. It is the only time he's ever surprised me.
We didn't officially get back together that night because he still was dragging his feet on his divorce, but I think it was then that I realized how much he loved me and truly accepted it.
This summer I came to terms with the fact that my parents love me.
And now, with 130 people coming to my wedding and 50 others who wish they could be there, and the amazing well wishes from people I didn't invite, I am slowly coming to terms with the fact that my friends love me, too.
Isn't it ridiculous I am unaware of this? I mean, I love my friends more than anything. Of course they love me back! It's just that I never really consciously thought about it.
I AM LOVED.
What is this life???
Written by THIGHS around 9:30 AM
Tuesday, October 11
I'M MARRYING MATT DONKEY!!! AAAAAHHHHH!!
August 19th I bought a dress.
August 25th we went to Pittsburgh and I had a Sister Day with MD's sister and sister-in-law. Now I have two sisters! (Three if you count Rippie's girlfriend!)
Mid-September I had two wonderful bridal showers with family and friends.
There's been lots of stuff in between that I can't remember, which is why I'm writing about the next nine days. I don't want to forget any of this!!
I'M GETTING MARRIED MOTHER FUCKERS!!
Written by THIGHS around 11:12 AM
Wednesday, December 30
I'm so excited to be writing right now. Maybe I said this in my last post over a year ago? Probably not because last year was a mindfuck. Thankfully 2015 was a good year. Was it odd years that are good and even years that are bad? Whatever. This was a good odd year.
Thank you 2015 for being back pain free!
Written by THIGHS around 1:36 PM