Good Night, Sleep Tight...

I have a few half-written posts that I never got around to finishing!  I really want to start writing again. I miss it!

Here's a fun story about obsessing over something besides my weight. It started last spring...

During Daylight Savings Time, I tend to get manic because of the light. In May 2018, my doctor put me on Depakote to stabilize my mood.  It is known to affect the liver, so every other week I would go for a blood test.  I was travelling for work a lot at the time, so at some point we both forgot to keep checking my blood levels. Well, HUGE MISTAKE.

AST and ALT levels should both be below 50.  Mine were 800!!  My doctor flipped out and I had to immediately come off the Depakote. The problem was that coming off could cause seizures, so I had to be put on a temporary seizure medication plus up my Klonopin.  It was NUTS. *I* was NUTS. My mind was scrambled. I barely remember anything from that weekend, other than the fact that MD and my parents took really good care of me. It was so scary.

From July 20th - 25th I was an absolute mess.  On July 26th I had horrible insomnia, so I stayed up in bed reading. All of a sudden I looked at the sheets and saw bed bugs.  BED BUGS!!  GAH!

Bed bugs are the worst fucking thing you can possibly have to deal with in a home. You have to throw out your bed and bedding, wash all of your clothes and linens, pack EVERYTHING you own away in bins and garbage bags, and move all of your furniture to the middle of the room so that the exterminator can spray. It is HORRIBLE.  It took THREE exterminator visits between August and September for us to get rid of them. So we thought anyway...

Things were going really well the rest of 2018. My liver levels were back to normal and my mood stabilized by increasing my Risperdal. We spent an amazing two weeks in Hawaii, we had a lovely time in Pittsburgh for Thanksgiving, and a cozy Christmas in New York.

It ALL went to shit when we found a lone bed bug this January. I LOST IT.  Seriously I was next level insane. I wanted to kill myself and burn the apartment down. I wanted to move and get a divorce.  I fucking hated everything and lived in constant fear of getting them again. 

That's the worst part of bed bugs...there's no avoiding them in the city!  Our exterminator said don't ride the bus, don't ride the subway, don't go to the movies, take off all of your clothes when you get home. It was the most ridiculous advice I've ever heard. Basically don't go anywhere or do anything or have people over unless it's an orgy.

Thankfully it's been 9 months now since we've had a bug.  It's been a long 9 months, though. They were on my mind every. single. day. I obsessively checked the sheets every night. I'd scan crowds for people who looked like they had bed bugs, which is ridiculous because what does that even mean? Do I look like I have bed bugs? When I travel, I examine the hotel rooms and never, ever put my clothes in drawers. When I come home from travelling I immediately throw everything in the laundry.  It is EXHAUSTING being consumed by these fucking things. For long time friends/readers, bed bugs were my new stove. I had horrible PTBBSD. 

Finally a couple of weeks ago I decided to put an end to this obsessive behavior.  I needed to face my fear and take back my apartment. On Saturday I cleaned out the bedroom and repainted it. It doesn't sound like a big deal, but for me it was HUGE.  I was overcome with emotion to the point where I sobbed a few times. It really was the closure I needed to move forward.  The bedroom looks great and I haven't been freaking out every time I go to sleep.  It is so freeing!!

There were plenty of other things that happened this past year that I'd like to write about, but the bed bugs were the biggest mindfuck.  I wasn't even that scared about my liver levels, which in hindsight I guess should've been. The bed bugs took over my life. I LET them take over my life. Maybe other people could have dealt with it in stride, but not me. It was not my strongest showing, that's for sure. 

I guess at this point all I can do is move on and remember that if the shit hits the fan again, how I react to the shit can be more detrimental than the shit itself.