What a week! The rundown:
Tuesday night MDLL and I went to Citi Field for Star Wars/Stand Up for Cancer night. It was really cool to watch scenes from the movies up on the jumbotrons and hear The Imperial March throughout the game. It was also fun to go with MD. We tend to hang in Astoria a lot, so it was great to go out and do something!
Wednesday through Friday my coworker and I went to Rochester to work at my boss' house. I was a little worried about staying there because really, who does that? I had visions of me sleep-walking into her bed or accidentally shitting on her dining room table. Luckily neither of these things happened and we all had a great time! Conversion starts on Monday so the next couple of weeks are going to be crazy. I'm pretty excited about it because this is my opportunity to show what I can do. Fingers crossed everything goes well!
I spent most of the weekend with MD in the hood. Friday I must have had at least seven vodka/seltzers. I haven't been that drunk or hungover in a while. Saturday Bacon and I hung out during the day for some girl time. Saturday night MD and I discussed my period being late and freaked out.
A couple of weeks ago we had prophylactic difficulties. Apparently there has been a pregnant woman parade between my apartment and the office every day since then, because I swear to Shizza I couldn't go five feet without seeing a bun in the oven. Isn't it funny/not funny how that works? I convinced myself this must mean I was with child and actually started picking names.
I am not pregnant. You know what's sad/crazy/interesting about this? While it would be completely inconvenient for me to have a baby right now, there was a small part of me that liked the idea. I don't know what the fuck is going on. Is this the biological clock I've heard so much about?? WHAT IS HAPPENING???
Sunday = football. I am so glad it's back!! The Jets look great. The Giants, not so much. It's only week 3, it's only week 3...
What else? Eh, I guess that's it. Family, 9/11, full moon, baby thoughts, PMS...I always seem to be extra sensitive in September. Maybe it has something to do with astrology and my half-birthday. Anyone want to look this up for me? I'm going to bed.
Tuesday, September 20
What a week! The rundown:
Monday, September 12
Last week was a rough one for a lot of people. I always get moody and depressed around this time of year. The full moon and PMS doesn't help.
I know we need and should remember the attacks, but seriously, enough already. Last year was the first time I admitted to myself how much I was affected by the experience. Trust me when I say I will never forget, because to this day whenever I see a plane in the sky I silently wait for it to blow up.
I will also never forget because the fucking media won't let me. I avoid the news like the plague from mid-August to mid-September. I know the coverage helps people heal, but in my circle, it only seems to help non-New Yorkers feel connected to something that truthfully, no one should want to feel connected to. Just shut the fuck up already.
I'm sorry. I know I'm reading like a unpatriotic bitter asshole. It's because I feel like one.
There were two reasons I was happy about yesterday being yesterday. One, football is back. Two, halfway through making a smoothie I thought, "Oh shit, the milk's probably bad." When I read it expires on 9/11/11, I cheered the date for the first time in ten years. Then I poured the milk into the blender and it was cheese. Figures.
The Steelers and Giants looked awful, both losing division games. The Jets had a big win, but I was in bed by 9:30pm and missed it.
The only good thing about yesterday was I had a great time watching crappy games with my best friend and boyfriend. I also called my parents and brother to tell them I loved them. I cried a little bit, but not nearly enough as I needed. Maybe I can have a good cryfest tonight.
Written by THIGHS around 11:41 AM
Thursday, September 8
Sharing the truth about MDLL's divorce was the most uncomfortable post I've ever written. It's interesting because I've shared some pretty intimate things on here. I guess the difference is all of my previous posts were about me and my personal life, not someone else's. I decided to keep it up because of how uncomfortable it made me feel. Was my discomfort indicative of how uncomfortable I am with our situation or am I just worried he will find out and be angry with me? If I take it down at this point, am I lying?
I appreciate the feedback I've received on the subject. I was very surprised how much this bothered me. Me? Morals? Values? My parents will be married for 37 years this month. I never thought I would want what they have, but I do. Those idiots love the shit out of each other, even when they want to beat the shit out of each other. I love MDLL so much that I'd like to punch him in the face.
Saturday afternoon I listened to a voicemail from my parents while I was on my way to meet MDLL. My dad said something like, "Thighs, we've done some soul searching. While we aren't happy he's not divorced yet, we do not want this to come between us. Please tell MDLL he's welcome to come to the party."
I cried one of those heavy soul cries. I called Bacon, then I called my parents. I sobbed and blathered while walking the mile to the bar. It was a HUGE olive branch and an even bigger weight off my shoulders. I told MDLL and we both decided to wait so he can meet them one on one and not with 30 of my cousins there. I missed him a lot, but it was fun showing everyone his pictures and talking him up. It's obvious I'm in love.
Last night I stopped by his apartment because he said he wasn't feeling well. I brought him some chicken soup, orange juice, tissues, etc. figuring it was just a little cold. Nope, the poor kid had the flu and 102 fever! His skin was on fire!
Of course I have to watch my own health after the shitstorm of this year. I went to bed at 9:30pm and woke up at 7am feeling awful. I said fuck it, I'm sleeping in and working from home today. I slept until ten, now I'm working. Well blogging, but I am actually running shit on my laptop too.
I feel okay now, just beat. I refuse to get sick damn it!
Written by THIGHS around 1:34 PM
Tuesday, September 6
Thursday, September 1
I'm ready to talk about the new information. I guess I held off for so long because everything seems real once I write it on Thighs. Also, I'm not sure how MDLL will feel if I air out his personal business on my personal blog. MD, if you ever read this, I'm sorry. I need to Thighsighs up the situation. I hope you understand.
The new information is MDLL's ex-girlfriend is actually his wife. They were only separated for six months when he and I met. I found out Memorial Day weekend when I saw a picture of him with a wedding ring on. I asked him about it and everything came pouring out...
The last thing MDLL wanted was a girlfriend while he's going through a divorce which is why he kept pushing me away. He eventually realized after our Valentine's Day break-up that he did really like me and wanted us to be together. The problem was he wasn't sure how to tell me he was married after all of this time. As the weeks went on it got harder for him to bring it up, especially since things were going so well. He was extremely apologetic for not telling me and relieved I finally knew.
I was in shock for a good week. I didn't know what to do or think, so I did what I do best, I asked everyone I knew for advice. So many opinions! My friends who know him were worried, but thought we can work this out. The people who haven't met him, including my parents (yes, my parents) wanted me to break up with him for basically lying for nine months. Everyone wanted to know, when will the divorce be final?
MDLL originally told me "soon", but the newER information ended up being the divorce wasn't being processed yet because his wife needs health insurance. I was pissed because I felt like he should have told me everything the first time we spoke. When I told everyone this, the opinions leaned more toward breaking up because it seemed sketchy. I said I'd give it a month before I made any decisions. During that time I questioned a lot about myself, him, marriage, divorce, love, commitment, everything. Our relationship was blossoming at a slow, natural pace, then WHAM, all of a sudden I was thinking about what I wanted, where we were going, if we have a future, knowing we can't have a future until he settles the past, etc. Eventually this was all too much, which is why I broke up with him the end of June. The marriage aside, I realized I had other needs that weren't being filled.
This brings us to mid-July when MDLL finally shared his feelings about me. Since then we are in a committed relationship and I'm the happiest I've ever been with someone in my life. I love him. I want to marry him. I beam whenever I think or talk about him.
So why am I sharing this now? My parents want nothing to do with him. I never thought I would care this much about their opinion. My mom is acting like he's actively married with five kids and I'm a homewrecker. He and his wife have now been separated for a year and a half. She lives in another state and is dating as well. There's nothing sneaky, cheaty, or wrong with this situation.
Or is there? Don't I deserve to be with someone who is available? What does "available" mean to me? We talk everyday, hang out at least four times a week. MDLL is pretty damn available. He says he loves me and sees a future together one day, so he's emotionally available now too. I guess the only way he's unavailable is marriage-wise. We can't get married until he gets divorced. GAH! THESE WORDS ARE TOO ADULT FOR ME! I thought "mortgage" was the worst adult word, but "divorce" wins!!!
This week I'm struggling with all of this because I secretly hoped he would have processed the divorce by September, which probably won't happen until the end of the year. It sucks because I feel like this is OUR month. The 6th is our Meetiversary, watching football is our thing, and I wanted him to come to NJ for my parents' Labor Day party on Sunday, but they told me no. My mom even asked me not to mention him to family because she doesn't want them to know I'm dating a married man. Unfuckingbelievable. HE'S SEPARATED YOU JERK!
I'm not sure what to do. I love him and I am so happy when we're together. The drama with my family is ruining it. I can't blame them for wanting the best for me. I can't blame him for taking his time to settle the divorce. I can't change my parents' minds. I can't force him to move things forward. The only thing I can do is trust my instincts, take care of myself, and have faith everything is going according to plan. If I'm to be with MDLL, this will make us stronger. If not, I am that much closer to finding true love.
Written by THIGHS around 12:50 PM