I'm ready. I think.

I'm ready to talk about the new information. I guess I held off for so long because everything seems real once I write it on Thighs. Also, I'm not sure how MDLL will feel if I air out his personal business on my personal blog. MD, if you ever read this, I'm sorry. I need to Thighsighs up the situation. I hope you understand.

The new information is MDLL's ex-girlfriend is actually his wife. They were only separated for six months when he and I met. I found out Memorial Day weekend when I saw a picture of him with a wedding ring on. I asked him about it and everything came pouring out...

The last thing MDLL wanted was a girlfriend while he's going through a divorce which is why he kept pushing me away. He eventually realized after our Valentine's Day break-up that he did really like me and wanted us to be together. The problem was he wasn't sure how to tell me he was married after all of this time. As the weeks went on it got harder for him to bring it up, especially since things were going so well. He was extremely apologetic for not telling me and relieved I finally knew.

I was in shock for a good week. I didn't know what to do or think, so I did what I do best, I asked everyone I knew for advice. So many opinions! My friends who know him were worried, but thought we can work this out. The people who haven't met him, including my parents (yes, my parents) wanted me to break up with him for basically lying for nine months. Everyone wanted to know, when will the divorce be final?

MDLL originally told me "soon", but the newER information ended up being the divorce wasn't being processed yet because his wife needs health insurance. I was pissed because I felt like he should have told me everything the first time we spoke. When I told everyone this, the opinions leaned more toward breaking up because it seemed sketchy. I said I'd give it a month before I made any decisions. During that time I questioned a lot about myself, him, marriage, divorce, love, commitment, everything. Our relationship was blossoming at a slow, natural pace, then WHAM, all of a sudden I was thinking about what I wanted, where we were going, if we have a future, knowing we can't have a future until he settles the past, etc. Eventually this was all too much, which is why I broke up with him the end of June. The marriage aside, I realized I had other needs that weren't being filled.

This brings us to mid-July when MDLL finally shared his feelings about me. Since then we are in a committed relationship and I'm the happiest I've ever been with someone in my life. I love him. I want to marry him. I beam whenever I think or talk about him.

So why am I sharing this now? My parents want nothing to do with him. I never thought I would care this much about their opinion. My mom is acting like he's actively married with five kids and I'm a homewrecker. He and his wife have now been separated for a year and a half. She lives in another state and is dating as well. There's nothing sneaky, cheaty, or wrong with this situation.

Or is there? Don't I deserve to be with someone who is available? What does "available" mean to me? We talk everyday, hang out at least four times a week. MDLL is pretty damn available. He says he loves me and sees a future together one day, so he's emotionally available now too. I guess the only way he's unavailable is marriage-wise. We can't get married until he gets divorced. GAH! THESE WORDS ARE TOO ADULT FOR ME! I thought "mortgage" was the worst adult word, but "divorce" wins!!!

This week I'm struggling with all of this because I secretly hoped he would have processed the divorce by September, which probably won't happen until the end of the year. It sucks because I feel like this is OUR month. The 6th is our Meetiversary, watching football is our thing, and I wanted him to come to NJ for my parents' Labor Day party on Sunday, but they told me no. My mom even asked me not to mention him to family because she doesn't want them to know I'm dating a married man. Unfuckingbelievable. HE'S SEPARATED YOU JERK!

I'm not sure what to do. I love him and I am so happy when we're together. The drama with my family is ruining it. I can't blame them for wanting the best for me. I can't blame him for taking his time to settle the divorce. I can't change my parents' minds. I can't force him to move things forward. The only thing I can do is trust my instincts, take care of myself, and have faith everything is going according to plan. If I'm to be with MDLL, this will make us stronger. If not, I am that much closer to finding true love.