Thursday, February 17

I'm done.

Last night my friend Sy was guest bartending at Crazy Ass. I didn't want to go because I was still so disappointed with MD. I know it's a shame that I let his lack of Valentine get to me so much, but I can't help it. I deserve to be with someone who wants me to be their sweetheart.

It felt different when MD came in. I tried to act normal, but I could feel the wall up. I wanted to just get through the night without any drama, talks, or tears.

WELL. It would have been fine if it wasn't for my "friend" Wheat. Wheat is a regular. We hit it off as soon as we met a few months ago and had what I thought was a nice connection. Our conversations were real and honest, not just fluffy bar talk. I was attracted to him in the "Aw Wheat!" way, but I didn't want to be more than friends. Unfortunately we ended up kissing on New Year's Eve. MD wasn't there, I was drunk and lonely, it was New Year's, and I really did like Wheat. I just didn't want to date him.

I didn't think this would ever be an issue. We talked about it since and there was no indication that he had any ill will toward me about it. He even gave me advice about MD a couple of weeks ago saying that I shouldn't get hung up on labeling our relationship if we both care about each other. I thought that was nice.

WELL. For whatever reason, last night Wheat decides to announce that he and I made out. MD was like "WAIT. WHAT?!?" I have never seen or heard MD react that fast to anything. You would think if Wheat was my friend he would have done damage control realizing that MD was obviously upset, but NOOOOOO, he goes, "Oh what you guys never discussed this? It was in a locked bathroom and everything. Uh oh did I make things awkward?" IT WAS SO FUCKING MEAN!

Now yes, maybe I shouldn't have been a tongueslut at "our" bar, but this was when I thought MD and I were through. And yes, maybe I should have told MD just in case, but seriously IT WAS NOTHING. I never, ever thought this would come up, especially not like this. Fucking Wheat. I can't believe him!

The night was already awkward for me with the whole Valentine's Day crap. Throw this on top and the night was flat out ruined. I'm so sick of this story that I won't go into the details of what happened, but basically it was me apologizing and MD saying he doesn't care. He was hurt and was trying to hurt me back. He succeeded. I feel ridiculously guilty too, but what the fuck? HE'S the one who didn't want a commitment!

On my way to the bar last night I had pretty much decided I was done with MD. I am not in love with him, I am in love with the guy I want him to be. I want him to be this pensive soul-searcher who has such deep feelings he can't find the words to express them. His muteness is his burden and gift.

Fuck that. I've put up with this way too fucking long. While last night wasn't ideal, it was still an opportunity for him to say how he felt about me. Or you know, VALENTINE'S DAY was. He didn't and you know why? Because nothing's changed since we last spoke about it in the beginning of December. He doesn't want to be with me.

I finally don't want to be with him anymore, either. I'm done. I seriously do not think there is anything he could possibly say to change my mind right now. If he ever fucking spoke!


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