Shanger

Part of the bad stuff from 2017 is my new opinion of the world. 

I used to be a kind and friendly person. Now I hate everyone, I'm quick to judge, on the attack, and looking for a fight. It's not good.

To be clear I've always been one to stand up for myself and call someone out for their bullshit, so that hasn't changed. That's healthy. This is different.

I'm not sure when this started happening, but all signs point to 2013.  I believe that's when I started having regular altercations with people.  One of the first times was when I got kicked out of the movie Gravity for yelling at a woman who would not stop talking. This is a hilarious statement and the whole situation was pretty funny, but at the time I didn't know what was to come.

The fights got worse the following year, most notably when I made a huge fucking scene fighting with some jerk at Lincoln Center after a Tim Burton film concert. The reason for the fight is moot at this point, but picture me and my big mouth, screaming every curse word in existence at the top of my lungs, and also pushing a 50+ year old woman. In Lincoln Center. Classy.

I can't recall any situation as bad as that one, thankfully.  That was around the time I was off the Zoloft and trying out the shitty Lamictal, the meds that fucked me up most of 2014.  No excuse, but I was in a really bad place.

That was the worst to date (thank you current meds!), but I still run my mouth. Some days I yearn for confrontation. Anyone want to dance? You, who wouldn't move in on the subway? You, who didn't say thank you when I held the door open? You, who talked through the whole play/movie?  I'M READY FOR YOU ASSHOLES.

And that's just my day to day anger. There are whole other levels of fury when it comes to the current administration and his shitdick supporters. The past year and a half has been extremely rough. I want to kill everyone, but I believe in gun control so I can't.

So, why write about this now?  I had a really good therapy session tonight.  We talked about how my anger probably comes from a place of feeling threatened and vulnerable. In reality I am not in any danger, nor am I helpless; I just feel this way.

Honestly, I think the reason is self-preservation. If I think the worst in people, I won't be let down.

I used to think people are inherently good. I used to give people the benefit of the doubt. I used to think that love was everything.  Now I don't. It sucks.

I don't want to be a bitter and mean person. I don't want to think people are horrible.

I also don't want to be disappointed in people either.  And lately, that's what I feel I am, constantly disappointed by small inconsiderate actions affecting my daily life to the larger and more heartbreaking wrongs that don't affect me directly, such as racism, homophobia, or xenophobia.

That's a weird jump, but I wanted to acknowledge that I know most of what sets me off is trivial. I have perspective when I'm calm. Who gives a fuck the bitch with 14 tote bags keeps hitting me with them when there are WAY more serious things to be enraged about? 

My concern is I have turned into someone I don't want to be.  I hate...and I hate that hate.

Rah, my psychiatrist, said I should keep track of my angry thoughts. From 13th Street to home took about 45 minutes. I had five angry thoughts. I meant to write them down as soon as I got home, but I forgot. Here are the two I remember:

1. Train went express, so I had to get out at Queensboro Plaza. I stood by window and a girl sitting inside looked at me weird. Sort of a smirk, but maybe not?  I thought, "Bitch, what do you want?" Then I laughed at myself for being crazy.

2. I got off train and walked from 39th Avenue to 36th Avenue. (The MTA closed my subway stop for the next eight months, which also infuriates me.) The sidewalks aren't completely shoveled, so I took it slow through the slush. I could feel someone pretty close behind me and I thought, "Fucking asshole, just go around me. I'll fuck you up."

The good news - these were only thoughts. The bad news - WHAT IS MY DAMAGE?? 

Why am I so damn sensitive? Why do I think I could beat the shit out of someone?  Why am I so angry goddamit???