The rest of the week.

I have to remind myself that I am not ALL one thing, ALL the time.  I am anger, I am happiness, I am sadness, I am light, I am dark, I am everything. We all are.

Yes, I have anger issues. Yes, they get worse as shit in the world gets worse. And yes, they get worse when I'm PMSing which I was last week and didn't realize it.

The week ended up being pretty strange because I got shitfaced Tuesday night.  I had a work party and I don't know what I was thinking, but I decided I was going to drink. I believe I had three glasses of wine, four glasses of whiskey, and half a cider.  That's a lot, especially for someone who is "sober".

I had a blast. My current coworkers have never known Party Thighs and it was fun she made an appearance. I miss her. I miss identifying as her. I was in my red-faced, giggly, mega-smile glory. I'm told I'm not really different drunk or sober, but I obviously feel different. That's why I drank so much my whole life. I loved being fucked up.

See that? "Loved" past tense. As much fun as I had bonding with my coworkers, I did NOT have fun after I left the bar.  I was fine when I got on the subway, but I was getting drunker by the second. The trains were delayed, so it took me about an hour to get from downtown to 34th Street which should usually only take 20 minutes. I jumped out and took a cab the rest of the way. When I finally got home I said to MD, "I like getting drunk, I don't like BEING drunk." Then I puked my guts out. 

The next morning MD said he hasn't seem me like that in years. There's no reason for me to get that drunk anymore, even if I'm wired that way. Once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic I guess. Typically I'd beat myself up for my bad behavior, but I let it go. I paid the price anyway, so why make it worse on myself.  

The hangover plus my PMS just made me completely off all week. I was dehydrated, lethargic, anxious, paranoid, and a bit disassociated. I FINALLY feel like myself again today, five days later.  So dumb.

Despite my binge night and resulting hangover, there were two really nice things that also happened last week.

I took my parents to their first basketball game. It was one of their Christmas presents, the other being tickets to their first hockey game, too.  I love sharing new experiences with people, especially them! When they lived in Jackson they rarely went anywhere. It's actually kind of weird now that I think about it. I know they didn't have much money when Rip and I were kids, but I'm not sure why they didn't do anything after we left. I used to think it was just the curse of suburban living, that you get sucked into your home, and there's nothing to do in your podunk town. Then I met people who live in suburbia and actually seek out fun and culture, so apparently my parents were just hermits. I'm so glad they have grown out of it and doing shit now!

The other nice thing was I ran into Rem at the game, my old work husband from my consulting gig. I know I've written about him in the past, but the blogger search isn't great so I can't find all of the old posts.  I started working at Biz January 2011 and I believe Rem left the firm I was consulting at in the fall of 2012.  That might have been the last time I saw him.

In that short period of time, Rem and I became extremely close.  We were also very attracted to each other. At least I think he was...we did make out once when MD and I were on a break. If I hadn't been in love with MD, I probably would have tried to date Rem, if he'd have me. I felt a deep connection with him from the start. Of course the only problem was most of our relationship was me talking about MD, so that wasn't a great way to convey my admiration and appreciation for Rem.

Over the years I've emailed him to keep in touch, but it never really stuck. The last we spoke he was living in Bay Ridge, which is where my parents live again, so I always hoped we'd run into each other.

Man, when I saw him at the Nets game, I was so friggin happy and warm and fuzzy! I probably would have melted had it not been for my raging hangover from the ridiculousness the night before. No ulterior motive or unrequited love feelings, just pure happiness from finally seeing my old friend. He's married too now and I whole heartedly wish him the best. 

It's strange, usually I'd try to make plans with someone I hadn't seen in a while, but I don't think I can with him. I don't know if we'll ever make a concerted effort to hang out, that maybe the best I can hope for is to run into each other from time to time. I wonder if he feels the same way. 

Shit...I just realized I might have told him about this blog. Shit...are your reading this?  

Well, if you are - Rem, I love you, buddy. I look back at our friendship with that same mega-smile I have when I'm wasted, so you know it meant something to me.  As I type this, MD won't stop talking to me about nonsense and I can't help, but laugh. He's my heart and I know your wife is yours, so we ended up where we should be. I am grateful to know you and so incredibly happy to see you. Thanks for being happy to see me, too.